My resident hall cluster known as BRT has a newsletter being put out on a weekly basis. Each one of these sports an editorial by me under the name "Lady Fantastic" which I stole as one of Amy Poehler's poker names from Celebrity Poker (which yes, I made fun of when it came out because it just shows how obsessed with are with watching celebrities do anything...but i couldn't resist when she was on).

So here is this weeks edition:

Over the course of man there have been many inventions. Some are simple devices that help us in everyday life like a can opener. Others are more complicated and involve the culmination of brilliant minds, for instance, the exploration of space or the cure of polio. Then there are those inventions that seem useless or unnecessary such as motion activated paper towel dispensers or even better condoms/birth control. (What's that about?) However, an item you won't find within any of these categories is one that embodies the human spirit. It can blow a piece of your cranium off in extreme amazement or even force you to double over with intense pain. It can make or break you as a person. "What is this item?" you ask as you lean forward with wonderment. It's humankind's greatest achievement aside from ice cream. Like gods we threw down our collective hands from the heavens and behold, there twas Slip N Slide.

It's simply beautiful; a piece of plastic, some water, a running motion. People actually marketed this concept and society bought it. The instructions were easy. As the commercial once stated, "you run, you slide, you hit the bump, and take a dive."

I have but one complaint. As I discovered this summer while buying two in order to create fun for my 20 year old self I noticed the warnings placed on the slide itself. "Warning: not for use by anyone over 12 years of age, over 5' tall, and over 100lbs." Screw that, I was 0 for 3 but that wasn't going to stop me. I have just spent a good 10 dollars on this. I slipped and slid to no avail. I ran at it as if it were a magical land full of kitties, marshmallows, lateral lisps, and Seinfeld reruns on TBS. Those warnings can take themselves and SHOVE IT. All I got were some minor bruises and sore muscles. Surely this must have happened when I was little.

So why is it that 12 and older people are advised against this joyful sport? Are they not people who can have happiness or know what laughter is? If this were true then how to you explain the Golden Girls? Those ladies were at least 50 and they got their laugh on, many times a week with witty comments and hilarious situations they had to get themselves out of. Is Bea Arthur not allowed to use a Slip N Slide?

Well as president of the Bea Arther fan club I say, hell no, not under my watch. She's an independent woman who can do what she pleases. If she pleases to put out a restraining order because she doesn't want me in her house anymore, fine. I'll respect that and keep my distance of a minimum of 30 feet. That's her choice. However, if I were to set up a Slip N Slide for the both of us to enjoy she can come as close to me as she wants. If that happens to be closer than 30 feet than so be it. And if afterwards she would like to hug me because we are having so much fun it makes her feel like a breath of new life, cool. And if after that she decides to adopt me so we will never be apart then you know what, that's just swell. Whatever Bea wants. I'm there for her. And no slip N slide will prevent that from happening.

So ladies and gents write your congressmen and ask who ever made the Slip N Slide because you know I didn't have the decency to look that up before I started typing this. People say you need to check your sources and everything but whatever, I can't even tell you how many times I made up the title of books in my "Work Cited" page of my papers and I'm still in college. Just do whatever you want, because the other greatest invention of humankind was our ability to be violent. And if you think that an emotion doesn't count as an invention you can just shut your fat mouth.

The End.