House sitting is kind of amazing. Basically I'm getting paid to mooch off someone else's house, food, and cable. Thank you for having my back, Universe. My bank account thanks you.

Now while in this lovely house in Griffith Park (feel free to come visit) there's cable which I don't usually have. See there is this thing called the "interwebs" and if you have that, there's really no point to having cable when there's Hulu and other "illegal" sites.

So this morning I'm flipping through the channels when I find "I Shouldn't Be Alive" on Animal Planet. They take these amazing survival stories from people who get stuck somewhere in the outdoors like mountains, deserts, and what nots. It's usually a fun trip gone horribly wrong and in the end someone dies or loses a limb. FUN! They re-create it, you know, "Unsolved Mystery" style, sans the amazing narration of Robert Stack (RIP).

The one I watched today was about this lone hiker and his dog in New Zealand. Homeboy goes for a stress relieving walk, slips, then proceeds to slide down the mountainside and off a cliff. He survives but busts his wrist, dislocates his ankle, and has a huge gash in his thigh. Check Minus overall.

Now the really amusing thing is hearing the unseen narrator continue to talk about how difficult it is for the guy to "pitch a tent." They said it so many times, someone in standards and practices wasn't doing their job. You see, the phrase is also used to describe a dude getting an erection.


At one point I though it was really starting to get out of hand when the narrator said, "It will take all his strength to pitch a tent."


... That's what she said.

"So what do you do?"
ME: "I work for the state of California."
"Like in government?"
ME: "Uh. yeah."

Unemployment - or shall I say FUNemployment has treated me well. Many a time I have posted pictures of me out in the middle of the day doing things that annoy my friends. I've been a very busy bee despite avoiding punching in and out everyday. You don't make much on unemployment but that means you just don't spend as much.

How do you do this in a capitalist consumer culture? Here are a few tips that have served me well.

1. Save those gift cards. If you know you won't be working at some point, hold off on using gift cards when you are making money. Plan ahead, yo.
Example: At Christmas I got an H&M gift card. It's now July and I still haven't used it. Not because I don't love H&M (cause I do), but because I'm assessing what summer time clothes I'll be needing (more shorts!). And let's be honest, when you don't have to get dressed to go to work, sometimes, you straight up DON'T get dressed.



2. Visit Family. My aunt never fails to cook way too much food and I am more than happen to take home a care package that she is more than willing to give me. Lucky for me I have some family in destination locations (Baja Mexico, San Fran) so I took the time to actually buy those cheaper plane tickets for the mid week and stay fo' free. Can you say, "mooch?" I can.



3. Go to any type of party; birthday, anniversary, engagment, bat mitzvah...
Save that meal, eat someone else's spread. Living in LA means there are usally healthy options at parties and a bunch of skinny bitches who won't eat at all meaning... more leftovers. So eat, drink, and be merry - for at the end of the party the host will probs ask if you'll take something home. Don't get trigger happy. Play it cool. "Sure, if no one else wants it. I mean, I don't want it to go to waste..."



4. Go on dates. Hopefully ones with better plot lines than the above movie (sorry, Tina!) This works more for da ladies. I've been dating and no, I have not paid though I do offer, but let's be honest, the men pay. Sometimes you get a movie AND a meal. What?! Bonus if you actually enjoy the company... (How jaded/bitter did that make me seem?)


5. Lunches with working friends. You know that friend who can expense everything? Yeah, that's the one you want to meet up with. Bring your money, expecting to pay and then act surprised when they say they got it, or rather, the company's got it. Gracefully accept.
Also - working on a TV show there is no shortage of food everywhere. So I MAY have strategically went back up to the old offices to get some more almonds, cereal bars, apples/bananas, and trail mixes once I was out of the stuff I took when they closed our offices. "Hey old co-workers? Oh, it's lunch time? Sure I guess I'll join..."



6. Pay it forward. I went out to eat with a bunch of friends who then happily paid for my meal. When I tried to wave them off they said I bought them dinner when they weren't working so they are paying me back. Yeah good deeds! So once I get back on the working wagon, I'm paying, but it always comes back.

And that's how I roll.