I'd like to share with you a little visual gift. This is the image currently on my desktop. It's often a bright spot in my day. I think you know why...

Amazing.

Please excuse my tardiness as of late. I've been busy working on a script. Deadline was today so now I can come back out and play. But if you are going to be coming to my door every day and banging incessantly then I'm going to pretend I'm not home.

I remember my Mom used to have us pretend not to be home when a Jehovah's Witness would coming a knockin'. She must have had radar because she would spot them from around the block and have us close the door, blinds, and turn out the lights. Not like she hates religion or anything, though she did go to Catholic school and once out was all, "Screw that, I'm going Christian!" They say the best way to create an atheist is to put them in Catholic School.

Must be sad being a Jehovah's Witness. I'm sure that happens a lot, and there are some Moms less savvy who they catch closing the blinds. Perhaps they spend their days listening to that Green Day song, Boulevard of Broken Dreams...

Second Grade Journal Entry:

OK, there are a lot of things that I like about this one. First of all, I get to pretend I'm Squanto. And perhaps it was a fruedian slip about staying "war my tribe was." Funny you should misspell that...(insert actual WAR). Also that response can be one sentence, not two.

Second, for all of you who love FAILBLOG, we can add in a MATH FAIL at the end. No, Colleen, 10 is not the "ansr."

Dear Martin Luther King Jr,

Thanks so much for being black and fighting for your rights. Sorry you got shot. That's lame. Future generations will honor this day by sleeping late, making a decent breakfast because they actually have time in the morning, and perhaps watching a movie and/or shopping. Hopefully you are enjoying the VIP section of heaven with Gandhi and Mother T.

Earthboundly yours,
C$

Today I'm pretty jazzed for 2 reasons.

1. It's the Friday of a long weekend. MLK day in the house!

2. Adding the actual page right out of the Second Grade Journal:

It seems only appropriate for the coming weekend that I post this one. Even as a child I knew the value of having 3 days off. But I was bold and pushed the envelope saying I wanted half days as well. Let's be honest, we can cram it all in there if you take out the "sharing" lessons. The best part is the check mark left behind from my teacher. There aren't many of those in there but this one she completely agreed with.

Also it's important to know what the greatest and least number is. I use that on a daily basis.

Recently I discovered that I can add pictures to this blog rather easily. Welcome to the information age, Colleen. Come sit a spell.

This is going to be awesome for you. Starting with the visualization of some Second Grade Journal entries because reading them straight from the source is where the real magic comes from.

Meal Worm Saga - Part VII (now with visuals!)

Enjoy!

This is my 800th post. Is it sad or awesome that immediately I think how Yoda is 800 years old so him and I are alike? One step closer to becoming a Jedi in real life...

800 calls for a celebration. TV shows hope to get to 100 episodes because then you get syndication rights aka you never have to work again. Oh, hello check that comes in the mail from my sitcom many a year ago. This blog is like a sitcom many times over. So in many ways, I should retire. I'm working too hard.

I wonder what I'll be like in my retirement. Something tells me that I'll never really stop working. But perhaps my "work" will change forms into sleeping late, watching Food Network, and yelling at the neighborhood riff raff. This is yet another reason why we need Time Machines. I'd like to catch a glimpse of myself. I think my future self could handle seeing my younger self. I'm mentally healthy enough to sustain time travel visits. I'd totally hang out with myself. Let myself borrow some money and or clothes. I'd be my own BFF.

I'll tell you one thing, the "making fun of stuff" level would be off the charts.

On today's episode of second grade journal entries...

The Mealworm Saga presents - Part VI

1. When will my mealworms turn into bettles?
2. They have seven legs.
3. My mealworms like to hide onder the oatmeal.
4. They have one leg in the back of them.
5. They do not make nose.

On the edge of your seat yet? Yeah, me neither...

I know its been awhile but I'd like to bring back the some second grade journal goodness for you...

Mealworm Saga Part V
(you can search for parts I-IV to get best effect)

1. One of my mealworms are about an inch.
2. If you put a mealworm on your hand it will tickl.
3. Do they biet?
4. Are they black bettles?

So many questions. Will nine year old Colleen get to the bottom of it? Tune in next time.

After every shower I notice there is a decent amount of hair that comes off my head. My hair is pretty thin and as it's getting longer I spot those straggling pieces on my shirt. As much as some would jest, I do shower on a daily basis. Now I'll be the first to admit I'm no good at math but the law of averages tells me that the number of hairs coming out of my head can fall out quicker than new ones growing in.

It's only a matter of time before I'll need a wig. That or I'll just magic marker my head. I'm sure no one will notice.

Since returning to work I have been displaying my recent clothing purchases courtesy of the holiday. Personally I always act like I have no money so I only really spend it on the basics like food and entertainment. I'm still kind of amazed I make money doing work after interning for free.

So when I buy clothes and add them to the closet it forces me to clean out things I don't wear or need. I find it rather amusing that the clothes you wore before the new fun clothes suddenly seem lame. Sorry old favorite shirt but there's a new sheriff in town and he's way more fun to hang out with; he's got an in-ground pool plus jacuzzi. Don't be sad I'm sure a Salvation Army shopper will buy you and make you feel special again.

Now that it's 2010 I'm unsure how to properly abbreviate it, as saying the entire thing takes up five syllables. I don't have time for that. Yet everything I got seems awkward.

1. '010
2. the ten
3. the tens

Number three has a limited shelf life since it's not useful after 12 as it becomes teens. Perhaps tweens? Maybe during this time we'll all surcome to the power of the Edward Twilight T-shirt and Jonas Brothers CDs.

And I'm back in LA. It managed to start snowing again the morning I was leaving causing me to get Post Tramatic Stress flashbacks. Thankfully took off A-OK. Though I did't realize when I booked the ticket how many stops it involved. Damn you Southwest and your cheap fares with a billion stops and lay overs! You don't even have TVs, how am I supposed to entertain myself? Read?! Gross.

So Colleen's travels back to LA included the following:

1. Long Island to Baltimore. I made a non-crazy or annoying airplane friend. We both got to experience the WORST landing of our lives as the plane significantly rocked from side to side on the entire decent. As per usual, I was convinced I was going to die. The two of us enjoyed some food and then hit up a store called "AMERICA!" According to this store America = sailboats and assorted T-shirts. Turns out Baltimore pretends to be like DC. There were plently of offensive politically themed/racist t-shirts to be found. I for one couldn't resist purchasing a mini growing President Obama. You know the drill - drop in water and watch the CHANGE! Get it? I assume they usually make these as white people because he looks like he's in black face.

2. Baltimore to Kentucky. Sat in the first row with tons of leg space but no storage allowed by your feet so I put my laptop under my jacket. So badass! Also noticed the flight attendent put in fake buck teeth with braces while doing the boring exits are located here routine.

3. Kentucky to LA. Stayed on the plane. Forced myself to write as young man sitting next to me rocked out to air drum and guitar solos. Listened to Michael Jackson on iPod as we landed. Take that FAA! I'm a rebel!

Then I got to wait about a half hour to get my checked bag. I'm telling you, we need to figure out this teleporting jazz ASAP. Scientists listen up! I'll allow you to stop your work on creating lightsabers to focus on this.

Merry belated Christmas! I have successfully eaten too much junk food. There is always too much food and a ton of leftovers. I'm not sure where we get the idea of 4 servings per person or why we always bring food to other events, avoid eating it, and then insist to others that they have to take it home. Rinse and repeat.

In other news I went to the mall yesterday. Yay, the mall! Of course it was crowded and of course H&M was 100 degrees but that didn't stop me from shopping. I was very focused on spending gift cards and money. You know, the important things in life.

My biological clock is slowing slipping into New York time. That being said I'm still up til 2am. I always think I'm going to wake up early. Set the alarm for 9am (vacation early time). The alarm goes off, I pretend I'll get up and hit snooze until that's annoying and I turn it off thinking I'll be up in 5 minutes. Cut to 20 minutes later and I wake up all, "Oh crap!" But really what am I waking up for? The parents are back to work, my brother is asleep, and there is nothing on TV. Case in point, today I did some Yoga while watching Jurassic Park, thanks HBO.

Very eventful mid-afternoon.

This morning (using the term loosely) I woke up and my family disappeared. Much like the beloved holiday film "Home Alone;" though I don't have the energy or know how to pull off many of Kevin's shenanigans.

I'm pretty sure my Dad is at work, my Mom is doing last minute holiday shopping, and my brother is sleeping. However, the dog is missing so perhaps he's getting a holiday haircut because he was looking a bit rugged. By the way, in case I have never mentioned it my dog Parker is a super handsome dark furred golden retriever who is 80 plus pounds of mush. If he was a human he would be a very handsome latino gay man. Quite a catch.

Perhaps if I go back to sleep the universe will right itself and everyone will be home again. Justification for more sleepy time!

Also, travel drama update: I called Virgin America today and didn't have to bitch out at all to get money back for booking another flight after mine was canceled - see below.

Turns out my red eye flight didn't get canceled as I was banking. Instead it was only delayed til midnight. Bonus LL Cool J was on the flight and I tried to make an effort not to stare and failed.

Also fun, as we were landing the child sitting in front of me totes vomited all over so I got to smell that for the next hour that we sat around outside the gate waiting for it to be cleared. Apparently we were the first flight to come in to JFK this morning, but that could easily have been a lie/an attempt to impress us all. Didn't fool me.

The worst part about leaving 70 degree weather for the blizzard of '09 is that I leave all heavy clothes at home and turns out wearing converse shoes makes you susceptible to taking several spills down stairs with luggage in hand. Fun! Also fun is the train ride getting canceled halfway to my house and we had to get out and walk to another train station where the stair falling occurred. Thankfully I wasn't the only one. I recall mumbling several curses and phrases involving the word "ridiculous."

Mama needs a nap.

The blizzard of 2009 is being very selfish. I might have to crack some heads at the Virgin America check in booth when my flight tonight is inevitably canceled. This morning I was canceled, now I'm delayed 4 hours. Not a fan.

The best part is when I get cranky/annoyed on the customer service phone to the robot lady. She asks for my phone number, but can never find my info, then asks for my confirmation number, then asks for your last name. Eventually I just start saying things like "You Suck" or "Son of a Bitch," to which she replies, "I'm sorry, I couldn't find anything under that name."

My aunt told me somewhere those responses are recorded and I thought, "There will be some real gems today." In short, you're welcome.

I booked a back-up flight on Southwest for Monday for when the aforementioned Virgin flight is canceled. I'd like my money refunded in full and am not afraid to call in with bomb threats until I get it. I don't want to get mean but I will bitch you out if necessary. I'll get all street on you.

If my flight options today were a flow chart every option would go directly to: You're Screwed.

Last night was my company's holiday party at a fancy hollywood bowling alley. We had a private room with food and drinks. First I'd like to say I successfully got tipsy off white wine before proceeding to white russians. I'm a very racist drink orderer.

Second, I didn't bowl until much later in the eve when everyone was basically all on one lane, though we had 4 reserved. Naturally I went over to the empty lane where, lo and behold, there was a game half complete. Ever the good worker, I decided to finish it up...on my own. I am pretty sure I bowled more than anyone else in a matter of 20 minutes. But I paid a price. Today my entire left leg is sore up to my butt. I am def no bowling pro, but my form does involve a lunge. So despite getting in exercise on a daily basis, it seems throwing a 10 pound ball is something my body just can't handle.

We all know bacon instantly makes things better but who knew it applied to first aid.

http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products-Bacon-Bandages.html

There is no limit to what we can accomplish...

On Sunday I cooked, like with an oven.

I would like to say spaghetti squash is the most amazing thing ever. All you have to do is cut it in half, place it face down in a baking tray (add some water if you please) and let it bake for an hour at 375 degrees. You take it out, let it cool down for a bit, then take a fork and scrap out the insides. It strings out like spaghetti on it's own. The magic of mother nature!

People will ask how you got the consistancy and think it took forever. Feel free to lie saying it was VERY complicated. So adult of you...

It's raining in LA. I can probably count on my hand the number of times that has happened since I moved out here 3 years ago. Or perhaps it would best be described by Annie Lennox lyrics:

And I miss you
like the deserts miss the rain.

Deserts and rain have had a strained relationship. There was some kind of falling out that none of us are aware of but basically they aren't talking. Every so often they'll see each other but mostly they avoid eye contact and pretend not to notice as they pass by. It's tragic really. The people of the land are the ones who suffer. I mean seriously guys, work it out. For the kids.

I apologize for my tardiness as of late. The holiday season means doing more "work" before the break. December is FLYING by. My mom bugged me for several weeks to send her my Christmas list, which was quite scarce this year. I'm officially at the age of boring gifts.

I sat there at my computer and after several days of thinking could only really come up with an assortment of gift cards. Not to pat myself on the back but I don't really want much. My daily needs are: internet, food, and sleep. On occassion I buy things like DVDs and clothes. I live like I'm in the depression. While staying with my Aunt in LA I was notorious for not allowing her to throw away food that she deemed as "bad." I'd always volunteer to eat it, or as I liked to say, test the boundries of the human body. I always survived. You don't get food poisoning if you cut around the bad parts. Duh. But honestly, that pie you just made isn't stale after two days.

Back in the day, when I twas a young lass in elementary school my parents used to pack my lunches. No brown bag. No themed metal lunchbox, but a soft velcro thermal lined concoction with assorted colors. You can imagine how cool I was.

Now at the time I was semi annoyed I didn't get Yoo-Hoo (which you can drink in 2 seconds -there is NOTHING in those things), or any of the other bad for you snacks. An apple?! How am I supposed to get early onset diabetes with that?! Ridiculous...

On occasion my parents would give me some snack money for Hot Fries. I LOVED those things. All the kids used to dare each other to eat a whole bag without anything to drink. I totally did it.

Now for all my home made lunches which lasted through my senior year (thank you mom!), I do remember that on Friday's I'd get money for the pizza bagel. It was A-mazing. There was a crazy amount of cheese on these things and the bagel was semi soggy but somehow it was the best thing in the world. I'm sure there is some gov't lunch organization that has all of them stored up. I needs me a business plan to start up a shop. Then I'll create a gimmic food completition so it's featured on Man V. Food. Then I can be rich and fraud a whole bunch of people.

My end game would be to have a pool full of money that I can swim in like Scrooge McDuck.

I really love how the word "diversity" has become a blanket term for race.

I saw a few movies over the break. First up: New Moon. Let me preface that it wasn't a movie I wanted to go to because I'm a total snob. In fact the exchange with my cousin Nate was as follows:

Nate: You know I'm going to make you see New Moon with me.
Me: I'd like to see you try.

Thankfully I didn't pay for it. Once again I was expecting so little that it wasn't the worst thing I've seen but it could have been a hour long. Here's basically what happens, and I'm not ruining anything here. Below I will channel the voice of the main character Bella.

Bella: Ah, boo! Two hot boys like me and I'm in high school, my life is SO hard. : (

Next movie: The Blind Side. This one I actually had an interest in seeing, mostly because I'm a sucker for based on true life events. Yet I am not sure how I feel about a movie that is basically like, "oh look black people need white people to be successful." However, Sandra Bullock does rock the casbah. Also, it appears she is no longer aging.

The other day I had a dream that I met Meryl Streep. I got a minor case of the giggles which she acknowledged. I think I was there to help with a film shoot or interview so it's not like I randomly accosted her. We started to chat and then my damn alarm woke me up and ruined everything. Way to go real life.

In other news, I grazed on apple/peach cobbler/cherry/pumpkin/pecan pie for about 2 days straight whilst in the AZ. On Friday I went for a 2.8 mile walk and although I didn't break a sweat I felt like I successfully burnt all the calories off. Never doubt the power of denial.

Also I loved that on Thanksgiving day the radio was starting to play Christmas songs. We weren't even done with turkey before making the mad dash into the present buying insanity. I will never understand sleeping outside of Best Buy when you can have Santa take care of it for you. Hello people he has a magical bag full of your hearts desire!

It's almost Turkey Day. Sorry turkeys but we'z a gonna eat cha! Personally I'm more excited about the desserts. This year I'll be going to the AZ to hang out with some Mormons that I'm semi related to through marriage. Should be fun.

I went a few years ago I almost exclusively ate pie everyday as a meal. A-mazing. See if you eat it as your meal only two times a day and walk around the block it pretty much negates the calories. Yeah, I'm going with that.

If I'm out of reach for awhile you know why. I got converted. Also there is a high probability that my cousin Nate will force me to see New Moon. I might indulge him if he doesn't mind hearing snarky comments the entire time, that or I'll just take a nap.

Allow me to discuss the movie 2012 with you. First of all I saw it last night and if you go in with the expectation of it to suck, then you leave going, "you know, it wasn't terrible..." Let me be clear, it's not good either. It's no Snakes On A Plane, however, I enjoyed making snarky comments with friends throughout.

What I like best about this whole thing is that they didn't release the movie in the year 2012 which to me would have been fun to capitalizes on people's paranoia. I'm pretty sure that's because they thought, well just in case the world does end I'd like to make money off this and be rich for three years before I die. That's a pretty good exit strategy.

I have looked into many a 2012 theories. I'm convinced that I got about 3 years left since it's slated to happen at the end of the 2012 year. That being said, I'd like to live it up these next few years. So perhaps I should run up a crazy amout of credit card debt with the idea that I'll never really have to pay it back. It's basically a fool proof plan. Unless we get another Y2K situation. Then I'm screwed.

But from what I've read about Super Volcano's, I dunno what's worse: dying in a fire blast from the erruption or surviving and having to live through a nuclear winter. Die instantly or die gradually. Probs going with the instant, though I'm sure the lines for Heaven will be to DMV proportions.

One thing I know for sure. I'd rather die on one of the coasts then survive in middle America.

If you are a vampire are you ONLY allowed to drink blood or is cake fair game? In all these TV shows and movies they mention how they never really eat. I dunno about you, but if I had to live forever without enjoying the awesome power of banana bread or stuffing myself at an all you can eat Indian buffet, that would be a deal breaker.

Sorry, I'm out. I'm catching the next sunset. See you on the flip side.

I'm fascinated by bizarre things that become popular like Cirque du Soleil. Can you image the first pitch of that idea...

Businessman: So you're telling me that it's like the regular circus except no one speaks english, everyone's half naked, and it's overall much gayer?
Artist: Yeah, basically.
Businessman: Get the hell out of my office.

But even better is BodyWorks. For those unfamiliar it's an exhibit that shows real human bodies in mostly bones and muscles form. It's like a freakish science fair. I have been to it before and it's amazing. However as you stand there and look at the muscles of some ice skater on top of their game you wonder, ok how exactly did you get that person's body when they died?

You are told they donate their body to science, but did they know they were dying or was it a freak accident? I mean I get why you have the obese guy but the marathon runner in the best shape of their life just to happened to die AND noted at 25 that they wanted their body donated?

I smell a conspiracy...or perhaps an excuse not to exercise. Not only is it true that fat kids are harder to kidnap but no one will ever try to kill you and put you on display.

I work at a small studio that allows people to bring in their dogs. My boss has 2 big white labs who pay us all a visit once every couple of months. They are cute but spoiled and when you want to work they want you to throw a ball down the hallway. They bark at you when you don't. It's especially fun when you are on the phone.

Originally my boss only had one named Owen. Then a few years later they got another one named Joey who is only 6 months but he's huge. Now Owen is naturally annoyed at Joey's energy level and attention for being the "puppy." He displayed some of this anger yesterday by doing the following:

1. Humping Joey's face while they wrestled.
2. Peeing on Joey's head.

And as if that's not awkward enough later in the day when I took them both out on their second bathroom break Joey pooped and was clearly aroused.

Gross.

It has come to my attention that I need to correct a previous post about the Snuggie.

In my post I implied the Snuggie was created because we were too lazy to take a blanket off ourselved while we're laying around and need to use our hands. I have been corrected, that it is there to keep you warm while you use your arms. I apologize if this has caused the Snuggie any financial harm.

However, may I suggest to them that it could be beneficial to add gloves onto the sleeve so the hands won't be cold. As someone with poor circulation in my hands this enhancement would be much appreciate. There should be a traction layer on the palm side so you can easily grip the remote control or pages of your book (thanks for the complimentary book light!).

Also while we're at it, can we add some pants with little booties on the end, and perhaps a velcro back so I can suit up in the mornings? I've heard the dog snuggie has velcro to keep it on them but it kinda makes me jealous. I want to be wrapped up like a delish cozy burrito.

The Snuggie is TOTES the new Robe.

Second Grade Journal:

The Mealworm Saga Part IV

1. They wigal when you pick it up.
2. They have a little bit of hair.
3. They have 13 segments in them.
4. They have legs in the front of them.
5. They like to walk on the side of the dish.
6. I think they will trun into bettles.

Number 7 was written but then X'd out. Who knows what I planned to say. Though it's written in pencil so I'm not sure why I didn't just erase it. But then again so many things in my journal don't make sense. It's really a miracle I got through second grade.

Second Grade Journal:

Mealworm Saga - Part III

They have antnnas.
Some are girls some are boys.
They have two eyes.
Two of my mealworms shedded.
If you put the mealworms on the apple they climb off.

I then proceeded to draw a picture of one and affectionally called it Paco, though the eraser marks show originally I went with Judy.

Also:

78 - 63 = 15

Those of you who might not be aware of "white problems" please feel free to read plenty of them listed here:

www.whitewhine.com

Enjoy.

Seriously, what did we do without the internet?

I know that back in the "olden times" there was a lot of stuff to make up like electricity, cars, or literacy. But after the invention of the sandwich, what did people do to fill up their days? I'm sure some were poor and had to work all the time and rich people created country clubs, but I'm talking like in the 80s. Obviously we filled time with creating choice outfits with as many neon colors as possible, but then what? Getting a perm is not an all day affair.

Did people actually work more? Were they more productive without the distractions from sites such as Fail Blog or YouTube? I doubt it.

I think we were just bored and took less proscription drugs for disorders we hadn't yet made up.

Speaking of, how ridiculous is this Latisse thing Brooke Shields is selling!? A prescription drug that helps grow your eye lashes longer and fuller. I mean REALLY?! This is what we're using science for now? You guys completely gave up on the cancer thing and shifted focus on the epidemic of non awesome eyelashes that weren't helped through mascara?

If that's not a white people problem, I dunno what is.

The other day I saw a commerical for the Snuggie aka a blanket with arm sleeves because we all know how hard it is to take a blanket off when we need to use our hands. Commericals in general are ridiculous to me but this one took the cake.

First of all they tried to show off their fancy new options like zebra and leopard print, so everyone can see how cool you are. Then they had the nerdiest white guy wearing one while laying on a couch and raising the roof. A-mazing.

But my all time fave part is when the entire family is wearing one and they are playing pictionary. Naturally there is a picture of the Snuggie already drawn and they get excited when someone guesses it. Now if you are ALL wearing it, is it really necessary to draw it? I mean I know that's the point of the game but wouldn't you just point to yourself. This seems like a lot of work for a product that is supposed to make my life easier. Also what game of pictionary has this as an option?

The Marketing geniuses strike again!

If I ever get too rich for my own good then I would really like to install a cookie shower. That's right, a nice warm cookie shower is the perfect pick me up in the morning.

In my head it's awesome, especially when I'd have cookies like white chocolate macadamian nut, snickerdoodle, double stuff oreos, oatmeal, peanut butter. However, I'm sure if the cookies aren't fresh enough that it'd hurt your head. Also you'd have to take a real shower afterwards to get the crumbs off. It's not very efficient so I'm sure only Hummer owners would want one.

OHH, BURN!

Favorite Phrase of the Day:

"Take that life gem and bedazzle a sweater."

Then my co-worker Samantha and I got into a discussion as to the best material to bedazzle. She thinks sweaters are too baggy, but a leotard is too much. So we agreed that a denim purse would be perf for it. Show that ish off 'round town and make all the peeps jealous.

And yes I just shortened perfect to be perf. Deal with it.

Second Grade Journal

The Mealworm Saga - Part II

Do they turn into beetles?
How meny eyes do they have?
My meal worms have two antnnas.
They have alittle bit of hair on them.
They try to crul out.
They are not noisey.


Unrelated Bonus Story:
This morning I saw a man with a mustache so large it ate his mouth and was still hungry for more.

Second Grade Journal Entry:

The Mealworm Saga - Part 1

They look like worms.
I feel good about them.
They curl up when they walk.
They do not moving a lot.
One of them likes the apple.

Stay tuned for the next installment with questions and more vague observations.

I really hope that if there is a Heaven you get to eat all the food you want and not gain any weight.

Daylight Savings Time is a crazy little thing that confuses us when we wake up in the morning and the digital clock doesn't match our phone. I awoke on Sunday thinking, why didn't my phone alarm go off, it's past 8:30AM according to the clock near the bed. But then oh, ho it was only 7:30AM. SCORE! Bonus hour of sleep. It was even better than finding a $20 in an old pair of jeans.

But I wonder in a society that becomes more and more reliant on technology every day that we will lose the wonder of realizing we gain an hour of sleep in the fall. Everything will be sync'd and you can no longer use that as an excuse when you're late. You'll just wake up feeling extra refreshed before your robot slave arrives with your breakfast and slippers.

TIP: Make the robot slave eat the breakfast first so you know it's not poison because it's bound to turn on you eventually.

Last night I reluctantly saw "Couple's Retreat." Let's just say I should have followed my gut and not gone in the first place. It did have some great one liners and the first couple of acts were decent but the last part just sucked. When you have a sub par Guitar Hero montage/stand off, you know you're in trouble.

On the plus side I got to see the trailer for "It's Complicated" starring my talent crush Meryl Streep and (bonus!) Alec Baldwin. My brain almost exploded from the sheer joy. Now, if that one sucks too, I'll be a-real sad.

:_ (

Halloween ain't no joke.

Wow, I am SO surprised that Britney Spears with all her vocal talent is being auto tuned in her latest song "3." At least her music video is tasteful...

Yesterday I went to get my hairs cut a bit. I don't have a set hairdresser so I bounce around. I did the walk in and hit it off really well with this woman named Chris. We had good a haircutting talk; no awkwardly long pauses or concern that I shouldn't talk because she didn't seem to have a keen grasp on what she was doing. We all know that feeling.

When I was done we both agreed it twas a good time. I got her card and as I walked over to pay she said she usually didn't like getting women because they can be crazy about their hair but every so often you get a girl who is cooler than a dude. I am that girl.

Take that dudes!

Los Angeles is a beautiful place to live. Being from the East Coast I don't mind not having the winter to deal with, however, I miss the seasons. I like it when it gets cloudy. I like a little rain. Mix it up. It sounds ridiculous but you can get bored of sunny and 70s. (Please try to stiffle the urge to punch me in the face.)

What I don't like about the great weather is that the people here can't handle it when it's not perfect. In general there are WAY too many people with driver's licenses who don't deserve them aka no one knows how to drive. So when it rains, it might as well be the Apocalyse. That being said it shouldn't surprise you that when it was CRAZY windy yesterday and some street lights went out, it took people 40 mins to go 5 miles.

Oy. There has got to be a better way. If we can't handle wind how we will deal with flying cars? According to Back the Future II they are slated to appear around 2015.

That's when I'm glad I ride my bike. Although there were a few times when the wind blew so hard the bike pulled to the side and dust was all up in ma face that I didn't feel as fortune.

This past Sunday I ventured to Knott's Scary Farm for some pre-Halloween fun. First of all, it sounds like NOT Scary Farm which confused me. Did they name it that or was that given to it by the people who deemed it lame?

For those of you unfamiliar, it's basically an amusement park turned into a giant haunted house. Some of it is indeed not scary. I tried to act too cool for school when people in costume would approach me, follow me, or just jump out at me. I'd either try to calm them down by saying, "alright," whist holding up my hand OR I'd yell out "Oh my God," "Jesus!" or the F bomb.

Some of the "mazes" were creepy, some were expected, and others were sad. Highlights:

1. When we first entered the park a woman dressed in 18th century clothes followed us and yelled at my friend Pete, "EGON!" Jose and I were confused. Who is Egon? Is she saying EVIL?So we asked her. She stayed in character saying "EGON!" When we continued to be confused she explained, Egon from Ghostbusters. Turns out she thought Pete looked like a younger Harold Ramis (aka Dr. Egon Spengler). When we agreed with an "oooh..." she totally broke character saying, "Right?"

2. Getting some free, recently popped Kettle Korn. Delish.

3. Getting my hair touched by a creepy security guard on my way out of a maze called "Lockdown." Thankfully I had no idea but everyone else saw and thought it was weird.

4. At end of the "Labyrinth" maze, the last guy before the exit was leaning in his cubby hole, yawning.

5. Watching THE WORST stage show ever that attempted to be pop culture savy by having every summer blockbuster character in it like Optimus Prime and then also Susan Boyle. But even worse than the lame "too soon" Michael Jackson jokes was an employee stuck at one of the nearby booths mouthing all the words robotically. Tragic.

We also decided that if we worked there, we'd want to be the people who walked around the park messing with people all night and when that got boring, probably just take a nap in the bushes.

Oh Friday, bless your heart. I have missed you so.

Today I am looking forward to going to Yogurtland. Have you heard? Tis a wonderous place. As you might have guessed they sell yogurt there. Unlike other places where you think the high school employee is being stingy, here it's self serve. That's right I get to mix, match, and go crazy not just on yogurt but toppings as well.

And we're not talking about chump toppings like sprinkles, marshmellows, chocolate syrup. They take it to the next level. Oh what's that, Cap'N Crunch, anyone? That's right. Or how about some asian flare Mochi? Scoop it up. Wanna pretend to be healthy? Add some crushed almonds.

Same deal with the flavors. They got the basic tart and mixed berry jazz. But then WHAMMY - Nutter Butter, Cheesecake, Bananas Foster, Pistacio, Taro (yes!), Coconut, Cookies N Cream, and now for Fall - Pumpkin Pie and Ginger Bread.

The fattie within is full of glee. Especially when I trick myself into thinking I can get more because it's frozen yogurt, not ice cream. Kinda like when people get fast food and then order the Diet Coke, because that's gonna help.

Also if any employees are reading I'd be happy to tattoo your ads on my face so I can then stuff said face with delish yogurt fo' free. Thanks!

It's time again to share some gems from second grade.

List 5 things you know about fire safety.

1. Don't liet a fire.
2. Don't breth the smock.
3. Don't let things bran.
4. Don't staf things up.
5. Don't hid.

Who knew that bran would not only keep you regular but could also cause fires. There should be warnings for that. Also if there is a fire, don't hide in the past tense. It's just bad news.

I would like to smack Glen Beck's face off.

That's right, slap him so damn hard his face literally falls off. Then ban all doctors from putting it back on. Not allowed, sorry. You get to be faceless. No more crying because you're country is getting taken away from you by that awful black man in charge. No more sorry excuse for a talk show. But probably worse - no more coy/flirtatious self photos to post of Facebook, because you KNOW he'd totes does that.

oh snap! semi political rant.

I hope in my next life I'm a cat so I can sleep 16 hours a day and it's considered normal.

However, I shant be using a litterbox. I'll be one of those cats that uses the toilet. In fact, I bet most cats that flush were once people. It's just more civilized.

As someone who exclusively uses their Debit Card it's rare I have cash, let alone spare change. So when a homeless person asks me for money I really am not lying when I say I don't have any. This allows me to feel less guilty for not giving them any. Yet on occasion when I have spare change I will share; it ranges from about 50 cents to a dollar, you know, just in case it's Jesus in desguise. Gotta have something to show for my "Good Deeds" reel.

Now the semi-smart bums out here hang around outside the ATMs and as you walk by they ask if you have change. However, I'm on my way over there so currently no and when I pass again they KNOW I have money but let's be honest, you're not getting my $20. Especially when there isn't even a jig involved.

You need me to break Sir Jackson on something. If I were homeless I'd tag team with kids that accost you with candy for their basketball team outside grocery stores. Then maybe they'd get some change. Then again, if they had those entrepreneurial skillz they probs wouldn't be homeless in the first place.

While talking with my dear friend Chaia today at the Creative Screenwriting Expo about the apparent return of the "rat tail" phenomenon I fully exposed myself as a Star Wars nerd by suggesting that perhaps these people were Padawans.

Then whilst discussing how awesome that would be - for example, if Jedi's actually recruited next to Army booths - we were out nerded by someone dropping a Midichlorian reference. He then tried to play it off saying he wasn't a big Star Wars fan, but we knew that was a lie.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's ok, I don't judge.

Halloween is just 'round the corner so I'd like to give some tips I learned from second grade.

List 4 safety rules to remember when trck or treating.

1. Olwas wock for strads.
2. Olwas chek your candy.
3. Olwas go with a gronup.
4. Don't go with strads.

I think it's safe to say let's just avoid the strads all together. They are just bad news. Strads of course being strangers, or at least that's what I think I'm talking about, in my secret twin language.

Recently I have been going through my second grade journal and I found some seasonally appropriate gems. Enjoy:

Second Grade Journal Entry

List 4 things you know about Christopher Columbus.

1. He sald the seven seas.
2. He fawnd amerak.
3. He was a kind man.
4. He was a brav man.

Not only did Columbus discover America (cough) lies (cough), he also found a nation similar in spelling but not capitalized. God Bless amerak. I'm also a fan of how much they lie to us at that age. Sorry kids but as you get older you will learn that Columbus was really quite a douche.

Then at the bottom of the page:

Kate das
4+4=8
4+3=7

In case you weren't aware.

Not sure about you but I can't wait for the completion of the Harry Potter world in Florida. Basically my mind will 'splode seeing Hogwarts come to life. It'll be a hardcore nerd out, the likes of which I may never recover.

Let me break it down for you: I want to be a wizard and when I set foot in there I'll believe I shall become one However, being a Muggle, it's not going to happen. That's just the hard truth of the matter. Therefore I shall submit my application to be the guidence counselor of Hogwarts. Perhaps the exposure to magic will allow me to become one, but if not, I'll just live vigariously through the students aka failed actors hired by Warner Bros to fill the place. Whatever works.

Dear Jon Stewart,

Thank you for existing.

Lub,
C$

Also, big ups to Cousin Pat in the NYC for sending me this gem:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-wqmnJrOFM

Whilst on my way to the Farmer's Market this morning I walked by a couple of homeless guys. After I had gotten at least 5 feet away one of them yelled out, "We need change!"

I thought, "Literal or figurative?" Then a second later I heard from his grizzled, bearded, dirty friend, "Bitch!"

When I turned around with a look of "Really?" He then followed up with, "Slut!"

First of all, me not giving you money doesn't make me a slut. Get your insults right. Second, if you are homeless and want people to give you money you need another strategy.

This is semi-old news but when I first heard Ellen Degeneres was going to be a judge on American Idol I thought it was a joke. Aren't you busy with a successful talk show that shoots all week? Not to mention those amusing American Express commercials. How much more dancing must you bring to America? Have mercy! The Baby Boomers are getting old and busting a move will throw our their backs.

Don't you have a super hot GF to go home to? Unless...uh-oh, you don't WANT to go home. I see what's happening here. Well, avoiding the problem by spending more time with Randy's "Dog Pound" won't help you out of the...Dog House. (You see what I did there, clever right?)

After all, you're both women, I'm sure you can talk it out. I mean, am I right, fellas?!

I watched Boogie Nights for the first time today and I am so surprised that nothing good comes from sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It just seems Hollywood makes you think it's a lethal combo. I mean sure there are your ups and downs with life in the fast lane, the walk of shame has to happen at some point. Honestly, the cops don't know what's up and doing impromptu drug hustles usually work out. Only a few times have people been shot that I've witnessed. No big.

You know where else people get shot? War. And you don't see Hollywood making ANY films about that. Especially Iraq ones. I mean it's been like less than 4 months since the last one. Slackers. This ish is happening!

truth bomb: dropped.

I encourage all you new readers to use the handy dandy "Search Oldschool" feature to the right and look up "second grade." Awhile back I posted some gems from my second grade journal. It's probably some of the funniest stuff I ever wrote. I peaked at 9.

Today I'd like to discuss that PitBull song "Hotel Room Service." He's one of those rap stars the kids listen to. Now in his song he talks about taking the ladies to a "hotel, motel, Holiday Inn."

This got me to think about these options. If I had to choose between the three what would it be?

Hotel - this could be nice, or sketchy. It's vague. Best Western or Ritz? It's a gamble and seeing that I don't even like playing the quarter machines in casinos, makes me slightly nervous that I'd be sorely disappointed with the lack of a kitchenett. Not that I need to cook, but do we HAVE to go out and eat, I mean I gotta watch this figure, it's not happening by accident.

Motel - def not. If I'm interested in a drug deal or hanging out with tranny hookers then yes. I apologize to those respectable hole in the walls, but you'd probs be on my side with this.

Holiday Inn - affordable. I think, weekend get away with the kids or where you stay when you have a soccer tournament. I know what to expect here. It's a safe bet that you won't have a GREAT time but it won't be awful either. And I'm ok with mediocrity. I choose you, Pikachu!

That being said I'd never go to a Holiday Inn with Pitbull. Maybe mini golf.

Let's take a moment to discuss stalkers. Yes, thanks to things like the interwebz (aka information superhighway), and Facebook you can find just about anybody. But remember the good ol' days before that? When you had to be crazy enough to hop on a plane, fly to LA, get a star map, go on a tour to scope out the house, then return later under cover of darkness. Or so I assume. It's quiet an investment.

Now - boop, bop, beep - enter key - and behold! semi nude, blurry photo of what's her face.

But regardless if you are an oldschool or newschool stalker, does it really work out? For example, the guy who went for Jodie Foster years ago. I mean, dude, she's still gay, at best you are a friend. I doubt celebs are impressed with the ability to jump the fence to their house and your juking skillz as their security tackles you to the ground. Oh, hello Court Order, so nice to see you again.

Has any celeb ever said, "Wow, you are too legit to quit. You really do care. Let's go enjoy the endless salad bar at Olive Garden." Even Courtney Love isn't that crazy, nor classy enough for the likes of the fine italian cuisine of said chain restaurants.

By the way I want to throw it out there I think I'd make a great non threatening stalker. I think I'd try to just move in and be the new neighbor. Though I'm sure I couldn't afford a house in the B. Hills, so maybe I'd just sneak onto their neighbor's yard with a hose and be outside in my PJs, you know, watering. They come out to get the paper and I'm all too cool for school:

ME: "Hi there. I'm not at all flustered by your presence what so ever."
CELEB: Good morning charming young lass. Say would you like to join me at (insert name dropping event)?
ME: "What's that you're having a BBQ and I'm invited? I have to see that I'm free."

It's only a matter of time, Pat Sajak.

If I was independently wealthy or a trust fund baby I wouldn't invest in the stock market, yachts, movies, or even a pool full of money to swim in, Scrooge McDuck style.

Now don't go thinking I'd give it away to charity. That's ridiculous. I'd put the money into a much needed franchise:

Vampire/Jedi research institutions

That's right, let's make these things real. Let's find ways to not just have fictional shows about vampires, but reality shows. Then maybe something like Big Brother could be slightly interesting. Also if we can create Jedi's then we'd get lightsabers. Real ones, not the ones available at a Spencer's Gifts near you. I'm talking about caulderizing arms off in sketchy cantina's when they give you lip.

It's not like we don't have enough money or enough volunteers. This could even be a solution to some of our economy woes. You want to decrease state spending on incarceration? Write to your congressman. Hello. May I introduce you to my good friend, Jail? All they do is watch tv and get shanked. At least now they can lead the way to a better tomorrow. We'll only use them for the testing phase because obvs (obviously) they can't become Jedi since they are bad. They'll go all Sith on us and ruin everything. Can't have that, no sir.

Though it may be small in size, the power of the Fanny Pack is a true force to be reckoned with.

I've decided to pull a Brett Farve and come out of retirement. Hopefully I won't suck.

Instead I fancy this come back to the likes of the latest installment of the Batman movies. None of that George Clooney business. What was that about? Did he leave ER for that? Check minus.

But I must recruit the troops. Propaganda is best, so I think I'll have facebook do my bidding.

Fear not! I shall keep posts short. Twitter is like the new blog. Lord knows we don't want to read more than a sentence or two. Don't want to exhaust ourselves. Plus reading is gross.

This Halloween I think I'll just throw a sheet over me and walk around trying to collect all the free candy I can. I'm short enough that I can get away with being a teenager. But I'm actually not very interested in anything besides Reese's so I'll just go to houses and ask for that. Sorry Snickers, you aren't making the cut.

I'd like to post a recent Instant Message exchange I had with AOL YellowPages:


AOL: Welcome back. What should I look up?
ME: your mom
AOL: Page: 1 of 10
Search for: "mom" in BEVERLY HILLS, CA (LOS ANGELES COUNTY).
Enter a number to select a listing:

1. For My Mom LLC (2.10 mi.) 310-446-8266
2. Modern Mom L L C (2.46 mi.) 323-330-0576
3. Mom & Son Cleaners (3.50 mi.) 323-939-7722
4. Just Like Mom's Preschool (3.93 mi.) 323-874-6032
5. Mom & Baby Care (5.30 mi.) 323-462-3307

Type "M" to see more results, "CL" to change location, or enter a new search term.

Take that computer!!

FYI

Although most of california is burning, I myself am not currently on fire. Though I must say I am rather hot, in the visual sense.

HEY-O! Up Top!

I know it's been a month. I suck. I have enrolled in a sketch writing class at the UCB Theatre and it's been GREAT! And I'll use that as an excuse for my lack of updating.

However, there are new California Updates on Google Video. Check out my apartment, unfurnished. Moved in with ma boyfriend. And everyone is all, oh that's a big deal. Well only Ron Burgundy is a big deal, ok? It's all good.

Lastest sellout Hollywood activity I am involved in is going to movie screenings. I have a friend at a studio so I was getting into private screenings for lots of other assistants. THEN she hooked me up with premiere tickets. I saw Lars and the Real Girl with Ryan Gosling. I showed up as he was making his way down the red carpet, which was like 50 feet long and full of cameras and yelling. Even though it looked like they were taking pics of him, I'm pretty sure it was for me. But I'm so cool and down to earth that I played it down. Signed a few autographs too, before I busted out the double guns finger move.

So cool it hurts.

I'm going to another premiere tonight for Rendition, starring Meryl Streep. Anyone who considers themselves a "regular" to the site knows that I have a talent crush on her. If I see her tonight. I will probs die. So if there are no more posts from this day forth. You know why.

Death by Meryl.

I know it's been a month. I suck. I have enrolled in a sketch writing class at the UCB Theatre and it's been GREAT! And I'll use that as an excuse for my lack of updating.

However, there are new California Updates on Google Video. Check out my apartment, unfurnished. Moved in with ma boyfriend. And everyone is all, oh that's a big deal. Well only Ron Burgundy is a big deal, ok? It's all good.

Lastest sellout Hollywood activity I am involved in is going to movie screenings. I have a friend at a studio so I was getting into private screenings for lots of other assistants. THEN she hooked me up with premiere tickets. I saw Lars and the Real Girl with Ryan Gosling. I showed up as he was making his way down the red carpet, which was like 50 feet long and full of cameras and yelling. Even though it looked like they were taking pics of him, I'm pretty sure it was for me. But I'm so cool and down to earth that I played it down. Signed a few autographs too, before I busted out the double guns finger move.

So cool it hurts.

I'm going to another premiere tonight for Rendition, starring Meryl Streep. Anyone who considers themselves a "regular" to the site knows that I have a talent crush on her. If I see her tonight. I will probs die. So if there are no more posts from this day forth. You know why.

Death by Meryl.

I feel like Man Tears are akin to Unicorn Tears. Both mystical and rare. I'm sure Man Tears possess some kind of healing power. Got to skim through Harry Potter as I'm sure there's something in there about it in Potions class.

As a scientist I'm certified to say that 9 out of 10 people who use Man Tears are cured from cancer.

My friend Shannon sent me a link to a story while at work. It was from BBC News. The title:

Pet camel kills Australian woman: A woman in Australia has been killed by her pet camel after the animal may have tried to have sex with her.

I am not making this ish up. May have? MAY HAVE?! Gotta love the Brits. I think this is even worse than dying by shark attack mainly because at least that's sort of impressive. Plus it's like well you vs. shark. Shark probs is gonna win. But man, if I was her and I wound up in heaven I'd be furious and in utter disbelief. I would demand a refund. Especially since the article doesn't mention her name, probably to avoid embarassment but now this woman will remain nameless and known only as the woman who was possibly humped to death by a camel.

However I neglect to bring up the point that perhaps in some weird way, she deserved it. You know, Karma can be a real bitch.

I forgot to mention I went to Vegas a few weekends ago. First time. First of all it was so damn hot. I know it's the desert but in LA it gets significantly colder at night. I thought all of the west was like that. Not so much. It would be like 110 in the day, and surprisingly a bit humid. Then it would still be like 98 at night. WTF? It was like back east. No escape from the heat!

Second, Jose and I saw a show called "Ka" it's a branch of Cirque Du Soleil. And while I'm watching these half nakes people fly around on a moving stage sans any distinguishable language I thought, "Man I'd love to see the first pitch of this show." You could just see the producer sitting there. Silent. Then, "Get out of my office with that crazy crap." Who thought something so bizarre would be so popular? You can see a little preview here: http://www.mgmgrand.com/ka/?CMP=KNC-Google-MGM_Ka

Third, while walking along the street at night with all these people rocking HUGE containers of alcohol I was amazed at how many pop up bars are set up along the road. We passed this group of guys at one point where there appeared to be some kind of mess on the street. I heard one guy say, "Dude, did you just throw up?" Then the reply, "I might have." He then went for another drink.
Ah, Vegas....

It's been a year that I've been out here hustling to sell my soul to the devil that is Hollywood. I really can't believe it. It's mostly because there are no seasons. I'm all walking around in jeans and a t-shirt in 70 degrees going, "oh its winter?" Cut to 6 months later, same outfit, "oh it's summer?"

I used to think that people who quit the bizz were lacking passion or drive, but now I see that its just really exhausting. You always hear about so and so who took years before making it big. I'm not looking to make it big, I'm looking to make my car payments and rent. But sure, if you'd like me to be famous, sure. I'm down. Shoot me an email, Hollywood Gods. I'll be around.

I think maybe I should quit my job and get me a Star Wars costume. Maybe be the evil emperor, find a way to shoot lightning from my fingers. Get one of those static electricity dome things from Spencer's gift. Just carry that around. Close enough. Then i can be that girl who dresses like an old crazy evil Jedi. That way my dream of being a Jedi is sort of realized in a really sad, pathetic way.

Also speaking of evil Sith Lords, It's my working theory that Dick Chenney is Senator Palpatine. He will totally Force Choke your ass.

Only in Beverly Hills will you find the ice cream man truck in metallic gold...

It is a rare breed that feels at home among the Mercedez and Jaguars.

Last night I had an amazing dream. It pretty much shows how much of a nerd I am but whatevs! So perhaps it was because I wrote a little diddy about Harry Potter that helped trigger this, but I had a dream (much like Dr. King) that Professor Snape and I became friends. And yes that would be the Alan Rickman Snape, aka my faves actor. He was tots in character. And for some reason I was looking at his drawings and paintings and he was next to me, facing away. And I said to him, "I didn't know that you were an artist." And he did this really intimidating, "What?"

I repeated myself and he eventually warmed up to me so that we were chatting about art and other life things. It never came up that he was a wizard. I dont think I was suppose to be a student. And I don't think we were at Hogwarts. However we did get semi chummy. I felt like Lily Potter for a bit - and by the by her and I share the same Bday. Oh SNAP!

It was such an awesome dream that when I woke up before my alarm went off I pushed my alarm time back a few more minutes and hoped to God to go back to that same dream. I'm not really sure it worked but I woke up feeling irrationally giddy.

My name is Colleen Evanson. I'm a nerd and I'm proud.

Please watch...

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809761737/video/3631941/standardformat/

1) Can't believe this is a movie
2) Can't believe I didn't think of it first

Guess who got their sanity back?

No, not Stella. You are confusing sanity with groove...

Anyways I know the mania of Harry Potter has mostly passed but in order to take full advantage of that talking point I'd like to tell everyone that like so many others I get so frustrated while reading it because I'm not a wizard. This is a tragic realization after reading all day and knowing some spells off hand - yes, I'm a nerd. I embrace it. Not sure if I have posted this before but when I do find Hogwarts - be it the real one or the one being built in Florida - I want to apply for a job. Not so much as a professor. Though we all know the Defense Against the Dark Arts job is prob open but I would just spit out Star Wars terms and show the movie as much as possible. Dark Side, Dark Magic - same thing. And I suppose I could do some kind of Muggle studies to explain the world o' muggles. But I'd much rather be able to be a guidence counselor. That way I could be friends with all of them, help figure out what they want to do. Live vicariously through them. Mostly I just want to hang out in the castle. Maybe it will eventually wear off on me and I'll be semi magical. I'm sure I could pick up a spare wand left in the halls. See what happens.

So if any of you have any leads on a job there, let me know.

Please forgive my recent lack of posts. I am currently having a mid life crisis at the age of 23.

But on an amusing note, don't you love when you wake up in the morning and realize the alarm was set for PM not AM. That's fun.

As a New Yorker in the city of LA there are certain things that as a driver I just won't stand for. One is waiting in a huge line to take an exit. As such I will play the part of the "jerk" who drives up until I HAVE to exit and squeeze in line. I don't have the patience to wait 20 mins to exit.

Second I refuse to pay for Valet parking. Half the time they park it in an obvious spot. There is really no need for me to get out of my car, give you the keys, only to have you park it 5 feet away from me. I feel the least they can do is fit into a tight spot or parallel park. Then I'd feel I got my monies worth.

Even better is when I park the car myself and then have to pay them. I might as well go to a parking garage because at least there I don't have to tip. So thank you for parking my car in plain sight and then making me wait 10 minutes for you to get it so I could leave, here is an extra 3 dollars. Jerk.

As such, I will drive around determined not to give it. I don't care if it takes another 20 minutes I will find that free parking on the street. If I want it bad enough I will find it, and alittle walking never hurt anybody.

It is standard in Hollywood to get all the information about new scripts down to the shortest possible summary. Many times people refer to other movies when describing what script they have or are working on. It's mostly phrased as the following:

(INSERT MOVIE) meets (INSERT MOVIE)

a more detailed example for probably the biggest blockbuster idea ever:

HARRY POTTER meets TRANSFORMERS.

My friend Suds and I were discussing how often people use that format to describe new scripts and how ridiculous it is. So we in turn discovered some other phrases we'd like to see happen in Hollywood by using said example above.

1. HP brushes past TRANSFORMERS
2. HP meets TRANSFORMERS for the second time but can't remember TRANSFORMERS name and so refers to TRANSFORMERS as "you" for the rest of their exchange.
3. HP takes TRANSFORMERS out to dinner, TRANSFORMERS thought it was just friends, HP thought otherwise. TRANSFORMER then never returns HP's calls.
4. HP awkwardly hits on TRANSFORMERS in a bar.
5. HP borrows TRANSFORMERS car and goes for joy ride a la FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF.

So we encourage this new unnecessary system. Please feel free to add and change it. Let it grow...

So everyone and their mom wanted to know what I thought of the latest Harry Potter. It came out midnight on Tues and I had Imax tickets for Thurs since Wed was sold out. I figured it would be sold out anyway by the time I got out of work. But no everyone I seem to know was able to get there and then wanted to talk with me about it.

What can I say? I'm a big deal. The people love me.

But back to reality. I enjoyed it but I think people overhyped the end to me. I was told it was "crazy" and many thought it would "blow my mind." It's not that is wasn't awesome, but with all the talk I half expected to be served a chipwich by the cast of the movie.

Sadly that didn't happen.

I will see it again. I sat there in the theatre as the credits rolled going over it all in my head. I just re read the 5th book, aka the longest book I've ever read. It's around 850 pages or so, so of course things had to be cut. Everything seemed like the cliff notes version to me. I kept thinking, wow that was fast. I always want to see more. But overall I was ok with the way they translated it to the screen. And my dream came true of seeing Alan Rickman rock Professor Snape for more than 2 minutes. Hizzah!

The self proclaimed "little people" are demanding for more writing. I say, hold your horses. I can't just write about any ol' thing here. I am an artist! I must be inspired!

Most of my days I spend thinking about how awesome it would be to get paid to do things like eat ice cream, create candy bars with amusing titles, and giving surfing lessons. The person I got mine from usually got paid 120 for 2 hours. Say what?! You don't even need a high school degree for that. We call that street smarts, yo. I need me one of them jobs. Not that I dislike my job but a girl can dream.

Also I highly recommend you all watch Kathy Griffin's my life on the D list. She's hilarious with her self deprecating sassy cursing ways...

I needs me a reality show.

As many of you already know, I don't like spiders. The smaller ones I can handle - and by small I mean you can barely see them. Anything a half inch is out of my league of handling.

Here's my thing...Listen up spiders!

You have ALL of the outside world/wilderness to live in. You could even stay in the basement/garage/attic for all I care. Out of sight, out of mind. And I know I don't go into those rooms enough that it's a problem, but what I am def NOT ok with is rooms in houses I frequent. More specifically - the bathroom. Even more specifically the tub/shower.

I don't like you around me even when I am fully clothed so my distain grows when I am in the buff and consider myself pretty much defenseless against you - again being like a million times bigger doesn't count. You make me resort to washing you down the drain. Do I WANT to kill you? No, not really but I feel you leave me little choice. If I let you live, no doubt I'll lose tabs on you and then you could be anywhere. If I let you out, there's a chance you'll get back in. So that then leaves me with the option of calling someone else in to kill you because I don't want your murder on my conscience. I'm not a monster.

Perhaps we should call some kind of truce or write up a treaty where you agree to stay out of my house/apartment/car and in return I won't hire a henchman (aka my cousin nate/uncle val) to come kill you.

How does that sound? Can you even hear? I know you guys have a lot of eyes and legs but not sure about the ears part. Anyway I'm going to assume you agree. I'll email it to you.

Sellout Update:

I totally rocked at surfing. Stood up on my second wave. My instructor, Carla, said I was a natural.

In other news:

I read something about CSI in the news and it made me think, "how many versions of that show do they have?" Answer: 3. Why not a fourth? How about CSI: Ohio. Think of it. Imagine a killer montage set to a The Who song as the detectives sit around bored in their office, perhaps one plays Snood or Mindsweeper. Or a technician cleans the lab. Someone reads a newspaper. A cop yawns in the squad car.

Intense!

I'll have to mingle with any contacts I can make at Jerry Bruckhimer TV. Wheelin' and dealin'!

It seems I lost my faith all too quickly. Now not only will Paris be back in jail, but she's going for the full 45 days. Glory be! It's a little bit wrong how happy that photo of her crying in the back of the cop car made me feel. So thanks Jesus, or God, or Allah, or Buddha, or Sun God. You are awesome!

I forgot to tell you all that on my lunch break last week I'm pretty sure I passed Jessica Simpson who was sitting down to eat outside with her mom. It looked like her, then I heard her talk. The dumb waves were very powerful.

I can't tell you how tempted I was to roundhouse her in the throat...

Sunday I will officially become a California resident. I've done "lunch" and "drinks" with other Hollywood assistants. It takes me an hour in the morning to drive 13 miles to work. I talk on my cell phone while I walk around Rodeo. I've had celebrity citings. I play Ultimate Frisbee with writers/actors/directors under the Hollywood sign. I've had to use valet. I have to "schedule" people a few weeks in advance. I had to put on sunscreen in Feb. I'm taking improv classes, which is close enough to acting classes.

But now, on Sunday I will go surfing, wet suit and all.

Fear not fellow New Yorkers! I still yell at other cars who clearly don't know how to drive. And of course when I talk I use my hands excessively. And from time to time that accent sneaks in, making others giggle.

I really shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. It seems that once again the rich get to go through the EZ Pass while the rest of us dig for quarters. I usually could care less about what Paris Hilton does but the whole jail thing was a dream come true. Now after 5 whole days she gets house arrest? I said before that her going to jail was proof that God did exist. Now I wonder if I should be an atheist. If it's a test, that's not funny. Don't mess with my hopes and dreams of seeing the rich girl get what's coming to her. And if I run into her in heaven, if there is such a place, she better watch out because I will clothes line her ass.

Today the CA fam and I went down to the Hermosa Pier that was all set up for Memorial Day festivities. They had this cool Toyota Highway of the Future set up that taught you all about how to live green and how hybrids work. As you walk around they give you this card to swipe to use the interactive displays. Each station allows you to gain points that you can claim a prize with later. First one is a recycled pencil - kinda lame. Second is planting a tree - all about forests. Third is a self powering flashlight - I was like YES! Got my points, enough for the flashlight when I thought, you know let's do the world some good and plant a tree in my name. As the display came up asking me to state my name. I hesitated for a second, contimplating if I should make it under the name: Tits Magee. But alas, I did not. But it would have been pretty hilarious if I did.

It's been awhile. I apologize for all those who feel the need to hear from me on a regular basis, but you know what sometimes I feel like you are suffocating me. I mean, I like you and all but you need to back off a bit. I need my me-time, you know? So stop calling me for awhile because otherwise I'll tell you that "we need to talk." Then I'll lay the whole, "let's take a break," thing on you which will eventually lead to me saying, "yeah, I want to break up."

But in other news, last week I was putting some more money in my meter at work when I came across crumbled up money. I looked around, saw no one nearby, so I bent down to pick it up. Only in Beverly Hills would someone drop a 20. I didn't really want to take it, but what choice do I have? Leave it there for some Mercedes driving agent to get it? I think not. I did myself some civil service. Thank you, God. I owe you one.

After I pumped gallon after gallon of gasoline into my car at the Costco station the digital screen told me:

"Protect the Environment and Avoid Spills. Do Not Top Off."

I feel like it's inappropriate for a gas station to be telling me to protect the environment. As if spilling a drop will ruin the crop that grows in the ever abundant concrete fields. It should read:

"Protect the Environment and help fund Doc Brown's Flux Cupacitor or Buy a Hybrid."

Whatever happened to the Best Friend necklace? You know the one, a broken heart that on one side says "Be Fri" and the other "st ends." How come this was only available to me when I was in elementary school and we had our "holiday" shopping at school. Which by the way I purchased a lucky rabbit's foot year after year after getting my dad the generic dad gift, a cheap tool kit that was almost unusable. For mom, it was much easier, cheap earrings. The brother, well I already got a tool set, so maybe another rabbit foot? '

But I digress. Do we not cherish the need to claim our best friends anymore? As we get older our gifts turn to money and gift cards. Why not kick it oldschool and bring back the Best Friend necklace? I feel this is an untapped market that Tiffany's can make a pretty penny on. Then when it becomes the it thing, thanks to those shadow commericals (though that was for De Beer - damn you marketing for making me remember!), it can boost the economy by giving hustlers in NYC something else to make knockoff brands of.

Just imagine a shining 24K gold necklace with Best Friends written in diamonds....or at least you thought it was gold until it turned your neck green. Tricked again! If this happens, please note that you need a new Be Fri.

Today, Friday May 4, 2007 should be marked on our calanders and be remembered for years to come as the day that we held the proof in our hands that God really exists.

Behold, Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail that she can't get out of. I don't know about you but I am beelining it to church....

Also I'd like to update you all on my Battlestar Galactica status.

I held out finishing the last disc of Season 2.5 for about a week which you have to say is rather impressive. Before I get into how I avoided the shakes I'd like to mention that although I love the show, its pretty ridiculous/ingenuis for them to have made Season 2.0 and 2.5 and make me buy both DVD packets seperately for like 30 bucks each. Bastards! They are like crack dealers.

So I finished Season 2.5 and of course it ends in a way that has me exclaiming, "Oh my god." This response comes not just from the well executed finale but the sad reality that I have run out of episodes....
Or have I?

So I start thinking there must be a way around the system because I know there is no way I'm going to be able to hold out until August when Season 3 comes out. Sci-Fi doesn't have an on demand channel I was aware of, but my cousin Nate buys stuff on iTunes. So yes, thank you Steve Jobs for helping me get ma' fix. Low and behold 19 episodes are available for $34.99. Which I of course bought last night at about 11:30pm. And I didn't have the patience to wait for it to fully download before watching it. Come on now. Waiting? That's nonsense. But I haven't finished watching it because

1 it wasn't all downloaded
2 it was 2 hours long
3 I got sleepies

This weekend my cousin Nate and I did an impromptu apartment search in a few areas we heard about from friends. On one we found several signs so we parked to walk around. Low and behold there were a few open houses going on for that day. So we figure, we have nothing to lose. Only when we walked in there are people who are around 30 looking. They all turn to look at these 20 somethings coming in. Imediately you know that you can't afford this. The landlord lady welcomes you anyway. You continually say, "wow this is nice." or "look at all this space."

You can't just pivot and leave, that's rude, you've already made eye contact. So instead you wonder and fake interest, looking at the space as quickly as possible. In the end it was genuinely quite nice and well priced at $2,200/mo but not affordable for kids getting on their feet. We need a place with more "character." You know, broken stove, leaky toilet, no parking garage. Perhaps a crazy neighbor who screams a lot. Basically, the diamond in the rough.