This Halloween I think I'll just throw a sheet over me and walk around trying to collect all the free candy I can. I'm short enough that I can get away with being a teenager. But I'm actually not very interested in anything besides Reese's so I'll just go to houses and ask for that. Sorry Snickers, you aren't making the cut.

I'd like to post a recent Instant Message exchange I had with AOL YellowPages:


AOL: Welcome back. What should I look up?
ME: your mom
AOL: Page: 1 of 10
Search for: "mom" in BEVERLY HILLS, CA (LOS ANGELES COUNTY).
Enter a number to select a listing:

1. For My Mom LLC (2.10 mi.) 310-446-8266
2. Modern Mom L L C (2.46 mi.) 323-330-0576
3. Mom & Son Cleaners (3.50 mi.) 323-939-7722
4. Just Like Mom's Preschool (3.93 mi.) 323-874-6032
5. Mom & Baby Care (5.30 mi.) 323-462-3307

Type "M" to see more results, "CL" to change location, or enter a new search term.

Take that computer!!

FYI

Although most of california is burning, I myself am not currently on fire. Though I must say I am rather hot, in the visual sense.

HEY-O! Up Top!

I know it's been a month. I suck. I have enrolled in a sketch writing class at the UCB Theatre and it's been GREAT! And I'll use that as an excuse for my lack of updating.

However, there are new California Updates on Google Video. Check out my apartment, unfurnished. Moved in with ma boyfriend. And everyone is all, oh that's a big deal. Well only Ron Burgundy is a big deal, ok? It's all good.

Lastest sellout Hollywood activity I am involved in is going to movie screenings. I have a friend at a studio so I was getting into private screenings for lots of other assistants. THEN she hooked me up with premiere tickets. I saw Lars and the Real Girl with Ryan Gosling. I showed up as he was making his way down the red carpet, which was like 50 feet long and full of cameras and yelling. Even though it looked like they were taking pics of him, I'm pretty sure it was for me. But I'm so cool and down to earth that I played it down. Signed a few autographs too, before I busted out the double guns finger move.

So cool it hurts.

I'm going to another premiere tonight for Rendition, starring Meryl Streep. Anyone who considers themselves a "regular" to the site knows that I have a talent crush on her. If I see her tonight. I will probs die. So if there are no more posts from this day forth. You know why.

Death by Meryl.

I know it's been a month. I suck. I have enrolled in a sketch writing class at the UCB Theatre and it's been GREAT! And I'll use that as an excuse for my lack of updating.

However, there are new California Updates on Google Video. Check out my apartment, unfurnished. Moved in with ma boyfriend. And everyone is all, oh that's a big deal. Well only Ron Burgundy is a big deal, ok? It's all good.

Lastest sellout Hollywood activity I am involved in is going to movie screenings. I have a friend at a studio so I was getting into private screenings for lots of other assistants. THEN she hooked me up with premiere tickets. I saw Lars and the Real Girl with Ryan Gosling. I showed up as he was making his way down the red carpet, which was like 50 feet long and full of cameras and yelling. Even though it looked like they were taking pics of him, I'm pretty sure it was for me. But I'm so cool and down to earth that I played it down. Signed a few autographs too, before I busted out the double guns finger move.

So cool it hurts.

I'm going to another premiere tonight for Rendition, starring Meryl Streep. Anyone who considers themselves a "regular" to the site knows that I have a talent crush on her. If I see her tonight. I will probs die. So if there are no more posts from this day forth. You know why.

Death by Meryl.

I feel like Man Tears are akin to Unicorn Tears. Both mystical and rare. I'm sure Man Tears possess some kind of healing power. Got to skim through Harry Potter as I'm sure there's something in there about it in Potions class.

As a scientist I'm certified to say that 9 out of 10 people who use Man Tears are cured from cancer.

My friend Shannon sent me a link to a story while at work. It was from BBC News. The title:

Pet camel kills Australian woman: A woman in Australia has been killed by her pet camel after the animal may have tried to have sex with her.

I am not making this ish up. May have? MAY HAVE?! Gotta love the Brits. I think this is even worse than dying by shark attack mainly because at least that's sort of impressive. Plus it's like well you vs. shark. Shark probs is gonna win. But man, if I was her and I wound up in heaven I'd be furious and in utter disbelief. I would demand a refund. Especially since the article doesn't mention her name, probably to avoid embarassment but now this woman will remain nameless and known only as the woman who was possibly humped to death by a camel.

However I neglect to bring up the point that perhaps in some weird way, she deserved it. You know, Karma can be a real bitch.

I forgot to mention I went to Vegas a few weekends ago. First time. First of all it was so damn hot. I know it's the desert but in LA it gets significantly colder at night. I thought all of the west was like that. Not so much. It would be like 110 in the day, and surprisingly a bit humid. Then it would still be like 98 at night. WTF? It was like back east. No escape from the heat!

Second, Jose and I saw a show called "Ka" it's a branch of Cirque Du Soleil. And while I'm watching these half nakes people fly around on a moving stage sans any distinguishable language I thought, "Man I'd love to see the first pitch of this show." You could just see the producer sitting there. Silent. Then, "Get out of my office with that crazy crap." Who thought something so bizarre would be so popular? You can see a little preview here: http://www.mgmgrand.com/ka/?CMP=KNC-Google-MGM_Ka

Third, while walking along the street at night with all these people rocking HUGE containers of alcohol I was amazed at how many pop up bars are set up along the road. We passed this group of guys at one point where there appeared to be some kind of mess on the street. I heard one guy say, "Dude, did you just throw up?" Then the reply, "I might have." He then went for another drink.
Ah, Vegas....

It's been a year that I've been out here hustling to sell my soul to the devil that is Hollywood. I really can't believe it. It's mostly because there are no seasons. I'm all walking around in jeans and a t-shirt in 70 degrees going, "oh its winter?" Cut to 6 months later, same outfit, "oh it's summer?"

I used to think that people who quit the bizz were lacking passion or drive, but now I see that its just really exhausting. You always hear about so and so who took years before making it big. I'm not looking to make it big, I'm looking to make my car payments and rent. But sure, if you'd like me to be famous, sure. I'm down. Shoot me an email, Hollywood Gods. I'll be around.

I think maybe I should quit my job and get me a Star Wars costume. Maybe be the evil emperor, find a way to shoot lightning from my fingers. Get one of those static electricity dome things from Spencer's gift. Just carry that around. Close enough. Then i can be that girl who dresses like an old crazy evil Jedi. That way my dream of being a Jedi is sort of realized in a really sad, pathetic way.

Also speaking of evil Sith Lords, It's my working theory that Dick Chenney is Senator Palpatine. He will totally Force Choke your ass.

Only in Beverly Hills will you find the ice cream man truck in metallic gold...

It is a rare breed that feels at home among the Mercedez and Jaguars.

Last night I had an amazing dream. It pretty much shows how much of a nerd I am but whatevs! So perhaps it was because I wrote a little diddy about Harry Potter that helped trigger this, but I had a dream (much like Dr. King) that Professor Snape and I became friends. And yes that would be the Alan Rickman Snape, aka my faves actor. He was tots in character. And for some reason I was looking at his drawings and paintings and he was next to me, facing away. And I said to him, "I didn't know that you were an artist." And he did this really intimidating, "What?"

I repeated myself and he eventually warmed up to me so that we were chatting about art and other life things. It never came up that he was a wizard. I dont think I was suppose to be a student. And I don't think we were at Hogwarts. However we did get semi chummy. I felt like Lily Potter for a bit - and by the by her and I share the same Bday. Oh SNAP!

It was such an awesome dream that when I woke up before my alarm went off I pushed my alarm time back a few more minutes and hoped to God to go back to that same dream. I'm not really sure it worked but I woke up feeling irrationally giddy.

My name is Colleen Evanson. I'm a nerd and I'm proud.

Please watch...

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809761737/video/3631941/standardformat/

1) Can't believe this is a movie
2) Can't believe I didn't think of it first

Guess who got their sanity back?

No, not Stella. You are confusing sanity with groove...

Anyways I know the mania of Harry Potter has mostly passed but in order to take full advantage of that talking point I'd like to tell everyone that like so many others I get so frustrated while reading it because I'm not a wizard. This is a tragic realization after reading all day and knowing some spells off hand - yes, I'm a nerd. I embrace it. Not sure if I have posted this before but when I do find Hogwarts - be it the real one or the one being built in Florida - I want to apply for a job. Not so much as a professor. Though we all know the Defense Against the Dark Arts job is prob open but I would just spit out Star Wars terms and show the movie as much as possible. Dark Side, Dark Magic - same thing. And I suppose I could do some kind of Muggle studies to explain the world o' muggles. But I'd much rather be able to be a guidence counselor. That way I could be friends with all of them, help figure out what they want to do. Live vicariously through them. Mostly I just want to hang out in the castle. Maybe it will eventually wear off on me and I'll be semi magical. I'm sure I could pick up a spare wand left in the halls. See what happens.

So if any of you have any leads on a job there, let me know.

Please forgive my recent lack of posts. I am currently having a mid life crisis at the age of 23.

But on an amusing note, don't you love when you wake up in the morning and realize the alarm was set for PM not AM. That's fun.

As a New Yorker in the city of LA there are certain things that as a driver I just won't stand for. One is waiting in a huge line to take an exit. As such I will play the part of the "jerk" who drives up until I HAVE to exit and squeeze in line. I don't have the patience to wait 20 mins to exit.

Second I refuse to pay for Valet parking. Half the time they park it in an obvious spot. There is really no need for me to get out of my car, give you the keys, only to have you park it 5 feet away from me. I feel the least they can do is fit into a tight spot or parallel park. Then I'd feel I got my monies worth.

Even better is when I park the car myself and then have to pay them. I might as well go to a parking garage because at least there I don't have to tip. So thank you for parking my car in plain sight and then making me wait 10 minutes for you to get it so I could leave, here is an extra 3 dollars. Jerk.

As such, I will drive around determined not to give it. I don't care if it takes another 20 minutes I will find that free parking on the street. If I want it bad enough I will find it, and alittle walking never hurt anybody.

It is standard in Hollywood to get all the information about new scripts down to the shortest possible summary. Many times people refer to other movies when describing what script they have or are working on. It's mostly phrased as the following:

(INSERT MOVIE) meets (INSERT MOVIE)

a more detailed example for probably the biggest blockbuster idea ever:

HARRY POTTER meets TRANSFORMERS.

My friend Suds and I were discussing how often people use that format to describe new scripts and how ridiculous it is. So we in turn discovered some other phrases we'd like to see happen in Hollywood by using said example above.

1. HP brushes past TRANSFORMERS
2. HP meets TRANSFORMERS for the second time but can't remember TRANSFORMERS name and so refers to TRANSFORMERS as "you" for the rest of their exchange.
3. HP takes TRANSFORMERS out to dinner, TRANSFORMERS thought it was just friends, HP thought otherwise. TRANSFORMER then never returns HP's calls.
4. HP awkwardly hits on TRANSFORMERS in a bar.
5. HP borrows TRANSFORMERS car and goes for joy ride a la FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF.

So we encourage this new unnecessary system. Please feel free to add and change it. Let it grow...

So everyone and their mom wanted to know what I thought of the latest Harry Potter. It came out midnight on Tues and I had Imax tickets for Thurs since Wed was sold out. I figured it would be sold out anyway by the time I got out of work. But no everyone I seem to know was able to get there and then wanted to talk with me about it.

What can I say? I'm a big deal. The people love me.

But back to reality. I enjoyed it but I think people overhyped the end to me. I was told it was "crazy" and many thought it would "blow my mind." It's not that is wasn't awesome, but with all the talk I half expected to be served a chipwich by the cast of the movie.

Sadly that didn't happen.

I will see it again. I sat there in the theatre as the credits rolled going over it all in my head. I just re read the 5th book, aka the longest book I've ever read. It's around 850 pages or so, so of course things had to be cut. Everything seemed like the cliff notes version to me. I kept thinking, wow that was fast. I always want to see more. But overall I was ok with the way they translated it to the screen. And my dream came true of seeing Alan Rickman rock Professor Snape for more than 2 minutes. Hizzah!

The self proclaimed "little people" are demanding for more writing. I say, hold your horses. I can't just write about any ol' thing here. I am an artist! I must be inspired!

Most of my days I spend thinking about how awesome it would be to get paid to do things like eat ice cream, create candy bars with amusing titles, and giving surfing lessons. The person I got mine from usually got paid 120 for 2 hours. Say what?! You don't even need a high school degree for that. We call that street smarts, yo. I need me one of them jobs. Not that I dislike my job but a girl can dream.

Also I highly recommend you all watch Kathy Griffin's my life on the D list. She's hilarious with her self deprecating sassy cursing ways...

I needs me a reality show.

As many of you already know, I don't like spiders. The smaller ones I can handle - and by small I mean you can barely see them. Anything a half inch is out of my league of handling.

Here's my thing...Listen up spiders!

You have ALL of the outside world/wilderness to live in. You could even stay in the basement/garage/attic for all I care. Out of sight, out of mind. And I know I don't go into those rooms enough that it's a problem, but what I am def NOT ok with is rooms in houses I frequent. More specifically - the bathroom. Even more specifically the tub/shower.

I don't like you around me even when I am fully clothed so my distain grows when I am in the buff and consider myself pretty much defenseless against you - again being like a million times bigger doesn't count. You make me resort to washing you down the drain. Do I WANT to kill you? No, not really but I feel you leave me little choice. If I let you live, no doubt I'll lose tabs on you and then you could be anywhere. If I let you out, there's a chance you'll get back in. So that then leaves me with the option of calling someone else in to kill you because I don't want your murder on my conscience. I'm not a monster.

Perhaps we should call some kind of truce or write up a treaty where you agree to stay out of my house/apartment/car and in return I won't hire a henchman (aka my cousin nate/uncle val) to come kill you.

How does that sound? Can you even hear? I know you guys have a lot of eyes and legs but not sure about the ears part. Anyway I'm going to assume you agree. I'll email it to you.

Sellout Update:

I totally rocked at surfing. Stood up on my second wave. My instructor, Carla, said I was a natural.

In other news:

I read something about CSI in the news and it made me think, "how many versions of that show do they have?" Answer: 3. Why not a fourth? How about CSI: Ohio. Think of it. Imagine a killer montage set to a The Who song as the detectives sit around bored in their office, perhaps one plays Snood or Mindsweeper. Or a technician cleans the lab. Someone reads a newspaper. A cop yawns in the squad car.

Intense!

I'll have to mingle with any contacts I can make at Jerry Bruckhimer TV. Wheelin' and dealin'!