Los Angeles is a beautiful place to live. Being from the East Coast I don't mind not having the winter to deal with, however, I miss the seasons. I like it when it gets cloudy. I like a little rain. Mix it up. It sounds ridiculous but you can get bored of sunny and 70s. (Please try to stiffle the urge to punch me in the face.)

What I don't like about the great weather is that the people here can't handle it when it's not perfect. In general there are WAY too many people with driver's licenses who don't deserve them aka no one knows how to drive. So when it rains, it might as well be the Apocalyse. That being said it shouldn't surprise you that when it was CRAZY windy yesterday and some street lights went out, it took people 40 mins to go 5 miles.

Oy. There has got to be a better way. If we can't handle wind how we will deal with flying cars? According to Back the Future II they are slated to appear around 2015.

That's when I'm glad I ride my bike. Although there were a few times when the wind blew so hard the bike pulled to the side and dust was all up in ma face that I didn't feel as fortune.

This past Sunday I ventured to Knott's Scary Farm for some pre-Halloween fun. First of all, it sounds like NOT Scary Farm which confused me. Did they name it that or was that given to it by the people who deemed it lame?

For those of you unfamiliar, it's basically an amusement park turned into a giant haunted house. Some of it is indeed not scary. I tried to act too cool for school when people in costume would approach me, follow me, or just jump out at me. I'd either try to calm them down by saying, "alright," whist holding up my hand OR I'd yell out "Oh my God," "Jesus!" or the F bomb.

Some of the "mazes" were creepy, some were expected, and others were sad. Highlights:

1. When we first entered the park a woman dressed in 18th century clothes followed us and yelled at my friend Pete, "EGON!" Jose and I were confused. Who is Egon? Is she saying EVIL?So we asked her. She stayed in character saying "EGON!" When we continued to be confused she explained, Egon from Ghostbusters. Turns out she thought Pete looked like a younger Harold Ramis (aka Dr. Egon Spengler). When we agreed with an "oooh..." she totally broke character saying, "Right?"

2. Getting some free, recently popped Kettle Korn. Delish.

3. Getting my hair touched by a creepy security guard on my way out of a maze called "Lockdown." Thankfully I had no idea but everyone else saw and thought it was weird.

4. At end of the "Labyrinth" maze, the last guy before the exit was leaning in his cubby hole, yawning.

5. Watching THE WORST stage show ever that attempted to be pop culture savy by having every summer blockbuster character in it like Optimus Prime and then also Susan Boyle. But even worse than the lame "too soon" Michael Jackson jokes was an employee stuck at one of the nearby booths mouthing all the words robotically. Tragic.

We also decided that if we worked there, we'd want to be the people who walked around the park messing with people all night and when that got boring, probably just take a nap in the bushes.

Oh Friday, bless your heart. I have missed you so.

Today I am looking forward to going to Yogurtland. Have you heard? Tis a wonderous place. As you might have guessed they sell yogurt there. Unlike other places where you think the high school employee is being stingy, here it's self serve. That's right I get to mix, match, and go crazy not just on yogurt but toppings as well.

And we're not talking about chump toppings like sprinkles, marshmellows, chocolate syrup. They take it to the next level. Oh what's that, Cap'N Crunch, anyone? That's right. Or how about some asian flare Mochi? Scoop it up. Wanna pretend to be healthy? Add some crushed almonds.

Same deal with the flavors. They got the basic tart and mixed berry jazz. But then WHAMMY - Nutter Butter, Cheesecake, Bananas Foster, Pistacio, Taro (yes!), Coconut, Cookies N Cream, and now for Fall - Pumpkin Pie and Ginger Bread.

The fattie within is full of glee. Especially when I trick myself into thinking I can get more because it's frozen yogurt, not ice cream. Kinda like when people get fast food and then order the Diet Coke, because that's gonna help.

Also if any employees are reading I'd be happy to tattoo your ads on my face so I can then stuff said face with delish yogurt fo' free. Thanks!

It's time again to share some gems from second grade.

List 5 things you know about fire safety.

1. Don't liet a fire.
2. Don't breth the smock.
3. Don't let things bran.
4. Don't staf things up.
5. Don't hid.

Who knew that bran would not only keep you regular but could also cause fires. There should be warnings for that. Also if there is a fire, don't hide in the past tense. It's just bad news.

I would like to smack Glen Beck's face off.

That's right, slap him so damn hard his face literally falls off. Then ban all doctors from putting it back on. Not allowed, sorry. You get to be faceless. No more crying because you're country is getting taken away from you by that awful black man in charge. No more sorry excuse for a talk show. But probably worse - no more coy/flirtatious self photos to post of Facebook, because you KNOW he'd totes does that.

oh snap! semi political rant.

I hope in my next life I'm a cat so I can sleep 16 hours a day and it's considered normal.

However, I shant be using a litterbox. I'll be one of those cats that uses the toilet. In fact, I bet most cats that flush were once people. It's just more civilized.

As someone who exclusively uses their Debit Card it's rare I have cash, let alone spare change. So when a homeless person asks me for money I really am not lying when I say I don't have any. This allows me to feel less guilty for not giving them any. Yet on occasion when I have spare change I will share; it ranges from about 50 cents to a dollar, you know, just in case it's Jesus in desguise. Gotta have something to show for my "Good Deeds" reel.

Now the semi-smart bums out here hang around outside the ATMs and as you walk by they ask if you have change. However, I'm on my way over there so currently no and when I pass again they KNOW I have money but let's be honest, you're not getting my $20. Especially when there isn't even a jig involved.

You need me to break Sir Jackson on something. If I were homeless I'd tag team with kids that accost you with candy for their basketball team outside grocery stores. Then maybe they'd get some change. Then again, if they had those entrepreneurial skillz they probs wouldn't be homeless in the first place.

While talking with my dear friend Chaia today at the Creative Screenwriting Expo about the apparent return of the "rat tail" phenomenon I fully exposed myself as a Star Wars nerd by suggesting that perhaps these people were Padawans.

Then whilst discussing how awesome that would be - for example, if Jedi's actually recruited next to Army booths - we were out nerded by someone dropping a Midichlorian reference. He then tried to play it off saying he wasn't a big Star Wars fan, but we knew that was a lie.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's ok, I don't judge.

Halloween is just 'round the corner so I'd like to give some tips I learned from second grade.

List 4 safety rules to remember when trck or treating.

1. Olwas wock for strads.
2. Olwas chek your candy.
3. Olwas go with a gronup.
4. Don't go with strads.

I think it's safe to say let's just avoid the strads all together. They are just bad news. Strads of course being strangers, or at least that's what I think I'm talking about, in my secret twin language.

Recently I have been going through my second grade journal and I found some seasonally appropriate gems. Enjoy:

Second Grade Journal Entry

List 4 things you know about Christopher Columbus.

1. He sald the seven seas.
2. He fawnd amerak.
3. He was a kind man.
4. He was a brav man.

Not only did Columbus discover America (cough) lies (cough), he also found a nation similar in spelling but not capitalized. God Bless amerak. I'm also a fan of how much they lie to us at that age. Sorry kids but as you get older you will learn that Columbus was really quite a douche.

Then at the bottom of the page:

Kate das
4+4=8
4+3=7

In case you weren't aware.

Not sure about you but I can't wait for the completion of the Harry Potter world in Florida. Basically my mind will 'splode seeing Hogwarts come to life. It'll be a hardcore nerd out, the likes of which I may never recover.

Let me break it down for you: I want to be a wizard and when I set foot in there I'll believe I shall become one However, being a Muggle, it's not going to happen. That's just the hard truth of the matter. Therefore I shall submit my application to be the guidence counselor of Hogwarts. Perhaps the exposure to magic will allow me to become one, but if not, I'll just live vigariously through the students aka failed actors hired by Warner Bros to fill the place. Whatever works.

Dear Jon Stewart,

Thank you for existing.

Lub,
C$

Also, big ups to Cousin Pat in the NYC for sending me this gem:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-wqmnJrOFM

Whilst on my way to the Farmer's Market this morning I walked by a couple of homeless guys. After I had gotten at least 5 feet away one of them yelled out, "We need change!"

I thought, "Literal or figurative?" Then a second later I heard from his grizzled, bearded, dirty friend, "Bitch!"

When I turned around with a look of "Really?" He then followed up with, "Slut!"

First of all, me not giving you money doesn't make me a slut. Get your insults right. Second, if you are homeless and want people to give you money you need another strategy.

This is semi-old news but when I first heard Ellen Degeneres was going to be a judge on American Idol I thought it was a joke. Aren't you busy with a successful talk show that shoots all week? Not to mention those amusing American Express commercials. How much more dancing must you bring to America? Have mercy! The Baby Boomers are getting old and busting a move will throw our their backs.

Don't you have a super hot GF to go home to? Unless...uh-oh, you don't WANT to go home. I see what's happening here. Well, avoiding the problem by spending more time with Randy's "Dog Pound" won't help you out of the...Dog House. (You see what I did there, clever right?)

After all, you're both women, I'm sure you can talk it out. I mean, am I right, fellas?!

I watched Boogie Nights for the first time today and I am so surprised that nothing good comes from sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It just seems Hollywood makes you think it's a lethal combo. I mean sure there are your ups and downs with life in the fast lane, the walk of shame has to happen at some point. Honestly, the cops don't know what's up and doing impromptu drug hustles usually work out. Only a few times have people been shot that I've witnessed. No big.

You know where else people get shot? War. And you don't see Hollywood making ANY films about that. Especially Iraq ones. I mean it's been like less than 4 months since the last one. Slackers. This ish is happening!

truth bomb: dropped.

I encourage all you new readers to use the handy dandy "Search Oldschool" feature to the right and look up "second grade." Awhile back I posted some gems from my second grade journal. It's probably some of the funniest stuff I ever wrote. I peaked at 9.

Today I'd like to discuss that PitBull song "Hotel Room Service." He's one of those rap stars the kids listen to. Now in his song he talks about taking the ladies to a "hotel, motel, Holiday Inn."

This got me to think about these options. If I had to choose between the three what would it be?

Hotel - this could be nice, or sketchy. It's vague. Best Western or Ritz? It's a gamble and seeing that I don't even like playing the quarter machines in casinos, makes me slightly nervous that I'd be sorely disappointed with the lack of a kitchenett. Not that I need to cook, but do we HAVE to go out and eat, I mean I gotta watch this figure, it's not happening by accident.

Motel - def not. If I'm interested in a drug deal or hanging out with tranny hookers then yes. I apologize to those respectable hole in the walls, but you'd probs be on my side with this.

Holiday Inn - affordable. I think, weekend get away with the kids or where you stay when you have a soccer tournament. I know what to expect here. It's a safe bet that you won't have a GREAT time but it won't be awful either. And I'm ok with mediocrity. I choose you, Pikachu!

That being said I'd never go to a Holiday Inn with Pitbull. Maybe mini golf.

Let's take a moment to discuss stalkers. Yes, thanks to things like the interwebz (aka information superhighway), and Facebook you can find just about anybody. But remember the good ol' days before that? When you had to be crazy enough to hop on a plane, fly to LA, get a star map, go on a tour to scope out the house, then return later under cover of darkness. Or so I assume. It's quiet an investment.

Now - boop, bop, beep - enter key - and behold! semi nude, blurry photo of what's her face.

But regardless if you are an oldschool or newschool stalker, does it really work out? For example, the guy who went for Jodie Foster years ago. I mean, dude, she's still gay, at best you are a friend. I doubt celebs are impressed with the ability to jump the fence to their house and your juking skillz as their security tackles you to the ground. Oh, hello Court Order, so nice to see you again.

Has any celeb ever said, "Wow, you are too legit to quit. You really do care. Let's go enjoy the endless salad bar at Olive Garden." Even Courtney Love isn't that crazy, nor classy enough for the likes of the fine italian cuisine of said chain restaurants.

By the way I want to throw it out there I think I'd make a great non threatening stalker. I think I'd try to just move in and be the new neighbor. Though I'm sure I couldn't afford a house in the B. Hills, so maybe I'd just sneak onto their neighbor's yard with a hose and be outside in my PJs, you know, watering. They come out to get the paper and I'm all too cool for school:

ME: "Hi there. I'm not at all flustered by your presence what so ever."
CELEB: Good morning charming young lass. Say would you like to join me at (insert name dropping event)?
ME: "What's that you're having a BBQ and I'm invited? I have to see that I'm free."

It's only a matter of time, Pat Sajak.

If I was independently wealthy or a trust fund baby I wouldn't invest in the stock market, yachts, movies, or even a pool full of money to swim in, Scrooge McDuck style.

Now don't go thinking I'd give it away to charity. That's ridiculous. I'd put the money into a much needed franchise:

Vampire/Jedi research institutions

That's right, let's make these things real. Let's find ways to not just have fictional shows about vampires, but reality shows. Then maybe something like Big Brother could be slightly interesting. Also if we can create Jedi's then we'd get lightsabers. Real ones, not the ones available at a Spencer's Gifts near you. I'm talking about caulderizing arms off in sketchy cantina's when they give you lip.

It's not like we don't have enough money or enough volunteers. This could even be a solution to some of our economy woes. You want to decrease state spending on incarceration? Write to your congressman. Hello. May I introduce you to my good friend, Jail? All they do is watch tv and get shanked. At least now they can lead the way to a better tomorrow. We'll only use them for the testing phase because obvs (obviously) they can't become Jedi since they are bad. They'll go all Sith on us and ruin everything. Can't have that, no sir.