I saw this candy bar or something today on tv, what it was isnt really important. The part that I am concerned with is that they said it was Beyond Crunchy. Now, how can it be beyond crunchy? What happens there? It's not crunchy anymore once it reaches beyond the crunchy point. Then it's like impossible to eat, like a big brick of .....chewiness. I picture it being a huge block of taffy or carmel that almost breaks your teeth when you try to get a chunk out and then sticks in your teeth and you chew it for 10 mins before swollowing. So count me out of this trip to going BEYOND the Crunch.

Letterman is great. For the second time ever they played a game called Millionaire of Kenny. The premise is that this guy stands there and he is either a millionaire or a guy named kenny. So he comes out with his nice yellow golf shirt tucked into his kahki pants. He didnt look like a Kenny. And I was right. He was a millionaire.

Recently I got a pair of shorts from Delia's in the Tanger outlet. They were only 7 bucks. Not too shabby. But as of late I have discovered that they have a faulty fly. A shame. I go zip down the fly when I gots ta pee and lo and behold they are already down. Oh well. You cant beat 7 bucks. I'll take the faulty fly any day.

Lastly, I asked my mom this question: If you were in a car stuck in traffic and you really had to pee, what would you do? What would you pee in?

She answered: a coffee cup, I then told her NO there are no cups. So she thought awhile and thought out loud, hmm what would i pee in....
The coin holder.

Me, I'd do the same OR take out an old rag from the truck and pee on that.

How about you?

I saw Urinetown the musical today. It was awesome. And on the way there Liz got a little sick and threw up something that was hunter green. So on the way back we tried to figure out what it was. I asked if she had any gumdrops or jujubees. She said no. We concluded it must have been bile. I told her that was gross. ANd that it prob ate away at her mouth and she would prob die. I think its possible. And I should know, I am a doctor.

Hmm what else? I had a hot dog and it was awesome. Then about 15 mins later I wanted another so I said, I'll tell you whut I want a hot dog. Saying whut in place of what tis a huge amout o fun. I suggest it to all. Doctor's orders.

I am Biz-ack from the bizeach hizzy. For shizzle. Yep.

Dude, I totally went without internet for 5 days. Crazy, yo. OMG to the max!
Ok enough with teeny bopper talk. But serious. It's kinda crazy to think that I was having internet withdrawls. What do they put in this stuff? And I also watched a tv that had about 5 channels, one of which was the home shopping channel, so right away you are like...what a waste. So that only really makes it 4 channels. AND get this....sometimes the signal was fuzzy. There was fuzz! Can you believe it? Incredible that I am still alive. I dont know how I did it. But I'll tell you what I did do...Got some sun burn and did the Cryptaquote in Newsday, its over by the games and comics. I suggest everyone check it out. It's good for your brain.

Yeah, I'm a nerd.

The following post goes out to Yvone, my asian lovah! Well...she's not my lover, yet.
HEY-O! You know in order for people not to think i am a lesbian i should stop saying things like that. But its true. I would be gay for Yvone, and I mean that in a totally heterosexual way.

The reason the posts have fallen behind is that I went road trippin' to Ithaca. Yeah baby. 7 hours going there, but Merry pointed out the name Von Cornhole spray painted on a tunnel near the city which provided us to ask Who is this Von? And what does he do? Then we hung with Suds. I spent about 100 bucks in 2 days. Watched movies, talked til 3am, saw my ticket to india. Ate indian food and thai food and soda and sweet popcorn. Then drove home 5 and a half back. Not too shabby. Had the windows down, going 70, and singing to music. I love doing that.

Quote from the trip! OMG!
From: Suds
Why he say dat?: We were watching Monsoon Wedding, very good movie find it and watch it. It's about an Indian Wedding and since I am going to see one it was very interesting. So afterwards Suds is telling Merry and I how people will be dancing and I thought...I hope I dont offend anyone with my "american" dance moves. There is one move in which you pretend to be slapping someone, the kids know what i'm talking about. And I asked about that move. Suds said:

They wont even know that you're slapping the bitches.

Priceless. I plan on video taping everything. Including the bitch slapping. A whole montage of it!

Thus concludes my update. Questions, comments, email me...or SHOVE IT!
If for the rest of the week there is a lack of updates it is because Colleen will be out east at the beach house with the fam. I shall be back by Friday. Dont fret.

bye

Dear Diary,

Today I called my mom a crazy ho.

Last night I killed AT LEAST 5 mosquitos....with my bare hands.
Call me the ASSASSinator.
Killing's the game.
Mosquitos suck.
Suck your blood.
And I kill them.
As my revenge.
I think that this is too long.
Too many sentences after another.
Now it's being forced.
And I feel awkward.
Like a convo that should end.
But doesnt.
So you wanna get a cup of coffee?
Yeah, me neither.
Dont like coffee much.
I gotta go.

When I was little I had a speak and spell. You could type in a word and it would say it. Naturally we tried to get it to say things like Ass or Sh*t, but failed. It seemed to be one step ahead of us. However, there was one word which worked in every day speech that provided us with amusement for hours. One Word....BUT
And when I typed in BUTT, it would double up on the T sound.
Thank you Speak and Spell.

This is in my profile but I find it rather amusing so since I am too lazy to think of my own witty or seemingly "funny" thing to say I will have someone else do the work for me. But I can't be busted for plagerizing since I will use quotes. Ha-HA! You lose, anal retentive english teacher. (that's assuming I didnt misspell anything....which i doubt.)

"Let me tell you doing nothing is not as easy as it looks. You have to be careful. Because the idea of doing anything, which could easily lead to doing something, that would cut into your nothing...and that would force me to have to drop everything."
-Jerry Seinfeld

I fordot about this. Enjoy!

GDspunkyduck: so yesterday my neighbor comes over and wanted me to teach her how to use her new digital camera binoculars
Lactaid Lady: since you are an expert
GDspunkyduck: she is gonna like spy on them for god knows what
GDspunkyduck: well she slike pushing 65
GDspunkyduck: and has no idea
Lactaid Lady: lol
GDspunkyduck: so i like read the directions to her slowly
Lactaid Lady: what a scene
GDspunkyduck: yea the best scene is her in her dark house watching this poor innocent family
Lactaid Lady: lol
Lactaid Lady: crazy old bitch
GDspunkyduck: well i have to watch out cause her bedroom window looks into mine
GDspunkyduck: she might be a crazy old bitch watching me undress now

Yesterday my friends and I set off illegal contraband in the front yard. It was as if we were taunting the po-po to come and get us. And they failed miserably. It was rather amusing when we couldnt figure out why the jumping firecrackers didnt go. Then we read the instructions and removed the wrapper and BEHOLD the fuse in all its glory. We lit it and ba boom, one of them made a bee-line towards me and liz. Thing went crazy. Had to put him down after that. Got the rabies.
I had rabies once. Foamin' and such all over. It was messy. And occassionally I would kill someone and infect them, no big whoop. I got a shot and everything was O-Tay.

I ate a waffle today.

goodbye.

Today I saw the trailer for the Ben and J-Lo movie they did together. Cuz they need more money.

How this came to be: (my theory)

Ben: Hey J-Lo, wanna make a movie together?
J-Lo: Aw, what a great idea. What kinda movie you thinking of?
Ben: A romantic comedy.
J-Lo: I want to play the girl.
Ben: oh you are so funny, thats what we need. We will be funny and I will love to do that! Get it, the love relates to it being romantic and us being funny is like...
J-Lo: yeah i get it. Now lets go buy more things that are really expensive.
Ben: OK

The end.

Ok check this out. I was just watching this Emergency Trauma show on TLC. God bless The Learning Channel and the wonderous shows that grace the screen. What was on today? Well they go from case to case and its all ER style with the guy yelling in pain and a swarm of doctors all around. Then lo an behold we discover this here guy has a branch up his ass. I kid you not. They had X rays and everything. He was working some contruction job, fell off the ladder, and landed in on a tree....which then got better acquainted with him.

Now as if that alone isnt bad enough. Those TV Networks get involved and they get to capture it all on film. Yaye! This way people like me get to watch. This must be a great moment for him. Congrats guy with tree branch in his bum. Congrats.

I'm house sitting this weekend. This post is not being written in my house. That is interesting huh? Ok whatever. Maybe I wont post at all.

Ahh who am i kidding? WIth a face like that...how could i not?
So this Pop up add comes up and it says that I can get a FREE NINJA SCANNING CAMERA MOUNT! Now I think ok. What the hell is that? I've heard of cameras, and that you can scan them. I know what a ninja is. But all those things put together to make this new mount. I dont trust it.
Honestly, I think they are just exploiting the word Ninja cuz they know its cool.

So....I'm going to India for thanksgiving break.
Jealous?!

I just finished HP5. Wow man. Craziness. And 6 comes out in 2 years.

When I was reading the other night I left an away message that mentioned I was reading HP5 and my friend from college, Gina, left a message for me. She said that when she read page 634 she thought of me.
I got to 634 yesterday. And laughed. I shall show you what it was....

A Sample of HP - Don't worry it doesnt give away anything....

"Harry could still hear the distant bangs of escaped firecrackers when he and Ron went to bed an hour later, and as he got undressed a sparkler floated past the tower, still resolutely spelling out the word POO."

Awesome. Simply amazing. Harry Potter and Poo. What could be greater? Perhaps golf with the gator? (chorus chimes in) Gator Golf!

(that was an obscure reference to a commerical we all saw as kids. Don't repress your childhood. Think back to Nickolodeon!)

And now I present...Masterpiece Theatre!

Lactaid Lady: i laid out
Cookies4Grandma: really?
Lactaid Lady: for 2 hours
Lactaid Lady: reading
Cookies4Grandma: tan?
Lactaid Lady: little bit
Cookies4Grandma: nice
Lactaid Lady: but i dont think you can really tell...
Cookies4Grandma: lol thus is the curse of the irish
Lactaid Lady: luck my ass

posts will probably take awhile as Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix has taken up lots of my potential online time. I am sorry. But I must read. I must be a nerd. And so the book becons me.

Oh and note: I am a slow reader. This book is 870 pages. You do the math.

I apologize for leaving the last post in inside joke form but I think it also got you all to truely think about those words. How are we holes with water? What does that mean? Is it the void to fill the emptiness of our souls?

Almost

We were actually just talking about pools and how they are just holes with water in them. See? Its rather simple. There is no connection. So knock it off and leave me alone already. I know you are calling me.

Today I learned something profound about life. Well, its more of a phrase that Merry and Liz and me came up with. It goes a bit like this

(giving you time to get a pen to write this down)


"You know, we're all just big holes with water in them."

Suck on that!