I have to say that one of the more ridiculous things ever made by man is the kid leash. I could just see a mom thinking, "You know, I really hate having to actually hold my child in order to keep an eye on them. There must be a way for me to do this and avoid actually touching them. After all the thing did spend 9 months in me, I need a break. Need my space, at least keep the thing a foot away. I'd like the option of leaving my kid tied to a parking meter while I run into Rite Aid."

Well guess what worse mom ever, the solution is here!

I was going to go into a rant about where you can purchase such a product but I honestly don't know. I feel like Babies R Us would be against it, maybe you could find it hidden away at a pet shop.

My Friday was spent at Disneyland. Mostly went to do the Star Tours ride where my nerd out level was dangerously high. Any ride that promotes the ice planet Hoth as a vacation get away is pretty much the best ride ever. Later on while in the Frontier section of the park I saw a lot of people walking around with giant turkey legs. I won't lie, I judged them. But then I passed the stand selling them and saw they were only 6 bucks - that's a steal! Those people were just making cost effective purchases, especially when you consider that one churro (totally delish) was 3 bucks.

We also took a fake amazon tour full of robotic animals almost splashing me on this boat. The tour guide was hilariously sarcastic and dry which pretty much made the ride. Towards the end this woman and I made eye contact. She held her gaze and then said to me, "You look just like that girl from Star Wars." Immediately I was like - Carrie Fisher? She goes, "From the newest ones...Padme." I replied, "Natalie Portman?" She goes, "Yes. Anyone told you that before? Doesn't she look like her." She then surveyed some people on the boat who agreed.

Now I won't deny that I'm pretty hot and I don't mind being compared to Natalie Portman, but I'm sorry but I disagree. I think it might be LA because I have been told I look like other people a lot more out here. They have no reference that people can just look like ordinary people, they must look like one of them celebrities that are everywhere. However I'm sure once the movie script about my life is written and green lit, that she'll be first on the list, that or as someone else told me, Kiera Knightly. Maybe if I did't eat for a year I'd look like Kiera.

Until then I'll continue to believe that I'm the spitting image of Estelle Getty.

Currently I can't get enough of Battlestar Galactica. It's not as dorky as you think. Here's how you know you are an official fan. Since the show airs on Sci-Fi and not HBO where you can curse they substitute the F bomb with the word "Frack." When you first start watching the show you are like, "umm, what did they say? Did they make up that word? Man that's nerdy." But after a few episodes you find yourself amused when they use it and will sometimes use it yourself. Welcome to the glory of being a Battlestar Galactica nerd.

However, I am going to run into a problem soon. You see I bought season one and burned through it. Then ran over to Best Buy and got all of season two. I'm almost done with that and season three isn't out yet. I might go into a coma. Or at least get the shakes when I haven't gotten my fix. And soon I'll have to wait a whole week til I get to see new episodes. This simply won't do. As such I will need someone to kidnap me. Then hold me hostage and say you'll kill me unless the producers from the show let me work there so I know what's going to be happening before it does and I get to watch all the new episodes right away. I might just kidnap myself. It's that or a coma. I figure I'll have to be in it for 4 or 5 years so when I get out all the seasons are available right away for my viewing pleasure. Until then, life simply isn't worth living....

Let's talk about the Cadbury Bunny for a moment.

You know its Easter time when a white rabbit bucks like a chicken on your TV set. Overall the chocolate bunny and hiding eggs really makes no sense whatsoever. I'd like to know who it was to come up with this idea. God must have been like, "Are you kidding?!"

It would make more sense if all the candy we ate somehow was digested without adding any pounds onto us. A true Easter miracle! Someone should really pitch that to Jesus. I mean it's not really fair when candy companies take seemingly healthy food items and make them ridiculous bad for you. I will list a few examples:

1. The Cadbury egg. Eggs are usually not too bad for you but they were all, "what if we wrapped it in chocolate and then filled the inside with sugar that looks like yoke!" And if that's not bad enough Reese's goes and does TWO versions of the egg. One has a hard sugar shell with peanut butter on the inside. The other is a bigger version of the Reese's peanut butter cup just shaped as an egg. You need some serious will power to avoid having either.

2. Jelly Beans. Let's get rid of all that gross protein and substitute it with a sugar version of a pina colada. Delish! On a side note I'd like to say that I find the popcorn flavored beans a bit disturbing to eat.

3. Peeps. Yeah, take that chicken! I would only like genetically altered hormones in my chicken, thank you very much.

I would like to address the wonder that is the school picture. Yes, that time of the year when you do yourself up aReal nice and wear the shirt your mom picked out. Then you smile like a tool and hope you don't look stupid because that picture is going out to all the relatives to post on the wall.

I really love that even though I never really cared about the picture I was always excited to choose the background. All I really remember were two options that are vastly different. One was the fake library full of non descript books, the other was a grey background with criss crossing pink and blue lazers. Of course when I was young all I wanted was the lazers because, I mean cmon, how bad ass is that? But you could tell who ever made it was at the peak of their Tron phase. This background was, and I feel pretty confident assuming this, made in the 80s. I say this mostly because 80s ideas of the future are only cool in the 80s. But now that I am in the future, lazers look pretty dumb.

Personally I think it would be pretty sweet if school pictures could get photoshoped after the fact. Not in a vain way where everyone's skin would be flawless. I am thinking more along the lines of like an iPod commercial. Make the background really colorful and then the person be solid black....

with an ipod shuffle around my neck, very academic of course.

I was around a toy store recently and it made me think of the Super Toy Run Nickelodeon used to do. I think it was once every few months some kid would get picked to run through a Toys R Us for about 5 mins and whatever they could fit into the cart they got to keep.

I used to have that whole store planned out in my head in case I ever won. Which I didn't, probably because I didn't really enter the raffle. But my stategy was to go down some key isles with my arm out so I would just knock stuff in as I went by. Which isles? Well: gameboy games, nerf weapons, bike, legos, and of course to mini jeep powerwheels.

If you want to hear the saddest story ever, one christmas I was probably about 5 and had my heart set of getting a powerwheels truck from Santa. When I didn't get it I told my parents, "I guess I wasn't good enough this year."

Ouch, take that! I'm sure I have an equal guilt trip coming my way if/when I have kids. But maybe I'll keep a leg up on them and just won't ever have any. That way I can spend all my money on me and have several powerwheels. I'll be like the poor man's Jay Leno with my "collection" of cars. And maybe I could get Al Gore to endorse me if I start driving it to work.

That reminds me. This weekend I had a dream that I went to a Ford dealership to tune up my car or something and it turns out I won a free car. I wanted an electric one but they didn't have much except like golf carts. So I was wondering around this dealership feeling really unsatisfied and then wondering if it was a con. Even when I woke up afterward I was skeptical and started thinking, "did I even read the fine print on that deal?"

I wonder if any guys have ever tried to wax off their facial hair. I totally would if it meant I didn't have to shave my bread everyday. Though I'm sure it would leave your face a tad bit red afterwards, but that might look kind of cool. And maybe if you meet up with some friends right afterwards you would get a cool nickname like Blood Beard.

That is, of course, assuming that all your friends are pirates.

I recently watched Who Killed the Electric Car? And it once again made me want to get into doc work again, sticking it to the man and getting out the word. Be a part of something that motivates people to do something about an important issue...until the new Ugly Betty comes on and then they forget all about them world troubles.

But it's got me to thinking, obviously this gas thing is becoming a problem. Um, 3.20 a gallon, is this a big inside joke? Will there be coupons? Oh, and it's only going to get worse? Great. Wait, the exhaust can give me asthma? Where does the fun end?!

So that made me think what else can we try to use to replace oil? There's the obvious choice of air but that's too easy. Then maybe something fun like candy, but let's me honest we'd rather eat that. Garbage is too gross to go digging though, I ain't no homeless man! Perhaps soup, there's usually plenty of sodium in there. Or how about rocks? You can't really run out of those. But I think the best thing that's a renewable source is love. Awww shucks!

It's renewable until something better catches out eye....

oh snap, I went there.

Well I say screw it. If we're going to have to pay top dollar for this oil junk then there better be diamonds in it. That at least justifies it. But when you pull into the Thrify Gas station (and yes that is the name) and it's just as much as Chevron you are like, oh man this is bad.

The best solution is to just not pay for the gas and WILL my car to work without it.

You know that you are starting to really settle into a new place when you start being able to spot the "regulars." Over at work in the ol' Beverly Hills area there are many things that were new to me. All the Mercedez, Jaguars, even BMWs - aka Fancy Pants cars. Additionally seeing palm trees every where is still really cool to me.

But while on my walks during lunch I have run into an interesting person time and time again. I don't talk to her, but I see her about once a week. This woman is short and thin with shoulder length unkept/frizzy hair. Her clothes indicate to me that she's not homeless, but is a bit behind the times as she often rocks out in stirrup pants and white ked shoes.

However the thing that makes her stand out is the fact that every 10-20 feet she starts to jog. She jogs for about 30 seconds, then stops. Walks some more. Then jogs again. It's very bizarre. At first I thought well this is just a woman in a hurry but EVERY TIME I see her that's what she does.

One day I'd like to just trail her and see where she's going. Is she on a break from work? Is she casually running away from home? Is this a new exercise craze I am unaware of? Perhaps I should call a local news station to solve this mystery.

I think movie reviews would be more interesting if they started saying more things like:

The New York Times calls Zodiac, "Pretty good."

"That girl for that TV show does a decent job."

"It's better to catch a matinee because it's not really worth the full price."

"Wait til it comes out on DVD."

I wonder how crickets feel about being the universally recognized sound for awkward pauses after unsuccessful jokes and/or the soundtrack of boredom. Not sure how that came to be. If you notice it is always placed in movies/tv shows when people are INSIDE. For instance, awkward dinner date - crickets. That's not the proper background sound! What made someone think that the lovely sound of crickets would make sense to put there. Another example, someone home alone INSIDE the house - crickets. WHAT?!

I'd be outraged as a cricket. My music, my life songs, being used so illogically, slandering my good insect name. I am more than a creature that fills the summer air with song. I should be used for a romantic moment. I don't belong indoors. I don't want to be your plucky comic relief. I demand to be taken seriously! Crickets unite! We must form a union so The Man can no longer take advantage of us! Yes our exoskeleton may be easily crushed by the weight of his foot but we can hide in small spaces and drive him mad with our music. Let's see how funny we are after a week of restless sleep.

So it took me a few more days but here's my follow up about Paper Boy for GameBoy. OK, first of all I'm not sure how and why someone thought this was going to be awesome. I think it got through because before that there was only really tetris. Second of all, you didn't really get points for delivering the actual papers. I remember just letting tons of papers fly as I passed a house so I could break as much stuff as possible - mostly windows. Third, I LOVED how as the days went on it got harder to deliver the papers aka mess up the neighborhood. I guess neighborhood watch was onto me. Monday a dog might chase me a bit and I'd have to watch out for that skateboarder on the sidewalk. Tuesday a car passes by and some old lady chases me with her bag. Wednesday suddenly gets very odd when a small self contained tornado hits. Thursday was usually around the time that Death himself would show up with his crazy curved sword. Yeah that's right, an old lady with a bag and Death are in the same neighborhood as the skateboard kid. WHAT!?

Then I remember at the end of the week, if you made it (thank you Game Genie), you got to an obstacle course made just for paper boys/girls. There was a main trail with some hills and off to the side were these big hoops you try to get the papers through. This would make sense as perhaps a beginning course but no its at the end, after I have already proved my skills at breaking many windows - which requires little to no skill level since all you really have to do is hit the B button tons of times.

After that point I honestly don't remember what happens. Maybe I win a prize? Get my face on the cover of the newspaper, which if that does indeed happen, man it must be Mayberry. Here's the scoop from Main Street USA!

You know what game I do remember being surprisingly impossible? The Little Mermaid. I actually got it as a gift and thought, oh man this will be so easy. Yeah I don't think I ever made it past the third level. It's hard making your way around as a hot half lady half fish.
draft

I'm sure you are all familiar with the technological wonder that is nintendo. Forget about the Wii, I'm talking oldschool here. Nintendo Mario was where it's at. Here's the thing, I used to play the first few level but when it came to the evil castle I couldn't handle it. The music, the gray cell walls, the fire balls. That's when I passed the burden on to my dad. He was quiet a trooper. Beating the hardest levels without ever going through those mushroom guys. Speaking of, what a pitful existence. Walking mushroom man, no defenses, easily flattened.

But I digress. What I really wanted to talk about was that "secret" passage that everyone knew about. You know the one. In the dungeon level, stay on the elevating iron board, jump over and there are pipes that take you to the world of your chosing. Honestly I feel bad for whoever made those worlds because no one ever played them. Sometimes you'd be like oh let me check out the water world just for kicks. But otherwise you went right to to hardest level to beat the game. But this was pretty ridiculous because jumping from world 2 to world 6...uh, the bad guys are a bit more advanced. Who is that guy in the cloud and how does he fit all those spikey guys in there? But more disturbing, why won't he leave me alone?

Thus ends todays video game rant. Tomorrow I shall tackle the ridiculouness that is Paper Boy for Game Boy.

Class dismissed.

While watching Wheel of Fortune, two things occurred to me.

1. If I was on that show and won big I would make sure I had the show taped and watched it again and again in order to boost my self esteem when I was feeling down. Every so often I would most likely burst out - I WAS ON THE WHEEL!

2. One of the puzzles was before and after: Oprah's Book Club Sandwich
You know you are a big deal when you get a puzzle on the wheel o fortune. She don't need no awards!

Also I'm not sure what the weight list is to be a contestant but I'm sure it's really frustrating if you spent like a month studying up on useless knowledge and watching reruns and then get out done by some soccer mom who never lands on Bankrupt and wins all the prizes you dream about. So close and yet so far.

There should be more beauty products out there for men. Yes I'm sure you can say, but men don't really care about their hair or skin. And I say, well I watched a bunch of Queer Eye in my day and I think the boys would have something to say about that. It's about time that all men, not just the gay ones, get to see commercials telling them to watch out for the age spots.

If I was a guy I'd feel left out of not being pressured into being more self conscious. I mean sure its nice to know that if I'm overweight but have a good sense of humor, more than likely I can get a hot sitcom wife...but I'd wish some of those Kristy Ally-Jenny Craig commercials were telling me that I could still enjoy my chocolate mousse and look good. I'd want to know what if felt like to have an eating disorder. Ho-Hum, what are you to do?

Well maybe you can just feel overwhelmed by those adorable leads on the CW shows.

You know who I'm getting really tired of? That automated voice woman from cell phone voicemails. You know what lady, phones have been around long enough that I know how to use it and how to leave a message. I am not crippled by the sound of a beep so badly that I have no idea what to do. Guess what? No one really leaves their name or number, they mostly go for the brief message since the person they are calling probably has the number stored in the phone. It's a little something called "contacts." Look it up! Also there have been many a time that I have left long semi incoherent ramblings on voicemails so please do excuse me if I don't heed your advice. For a robot, you are pretty dumb.

OMG! Have you guys heard? Obama's friend Gaffen totally dissed Hilary. He was all like, "she's a crazy ho, I hate her."

and then Hilary was like, "oh no you didn't. Obama you bes not take his monies or I will bitch slap you."

Obama goes all, "You trippin', he' ain't really ma friend. Shoot."

Gaffen heard him and is like, "I'm rich bitch!"

Then Hilary was all, "Bring it!"

Obama tried to be diplomatic but then was like, "I'm not afraid of no white ho!"

And an intense threeway slap fight began. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me or you'd see that ish on youtube in a heartbeat. Probs even CNN is they pay up. But it happened. Scouts honor.

It's official Britney Spear has lost her DAMN mind. How many sane women do you know who have shaved heads? Think for a minute. And no, you don't know Natalie Portman so that doesn't count. Plus she did that for a movie.

Then she, Britney, went and got a tattoo. Sealing the deal as a biker lesbian.

Now I don't know if you were forced to read that short story in high school english about the young guy who gets peer pressured into getting a tattoo. He doesn't even look, just picks out a random one. Just so happens to be a blue bird. Very manly. And he winds up regretting it. Shock, surprise.

Although I'm not planning on getting a tattoo, if I did I'd make sure it was something that I liked. But see, I'm very fickle. Also I wouldn't want there to be a chance of being judged so out goes my mural of The X Files and Star Wars. But I do like sugar cookies. Perhaps I could rock a sugar cookie. Thems delish!

Either way I wouldn't think to put lips on my wrist as one bald/crazy Spears did. Unless the lips were eating a sugar cookie. Then I MIGHT consider it.

For all who don't know you can get a video dose of me if you go to Google and search for California Update under the video tab.

Rinse and Repeat.

Also search Bootleg Series for an amusing take on Jaw, Titanic, and Star Wars.

I get why we have dead presidents on our money to pay tribute and all, but I think we can make it better. I feel one person can trump all the Jacksons and dare I say – Benjamins. Ever heard of some guy named GOD?

That’s right I’m proposing we put God money into circulation. God money would force people to be financially responsible and frown upon using it for socially immoral investments. It would be a bit harder to buy those drugs and that hooker if you had to hand over god money. God would be all looking and you and waging his finger. Think about the impact it could have on mob activity.

It could benefit the common folk as well. People would really think before splurging. Do I really need that plasma tv? I dunno that’s a whole lot of God, even with the down payment of the holy ghost and mother mary.

Also what if we start making some Jesus pennies? I don’t think we’d continue to debate whether or not we should get rid of them.