It seems I lost my faith all too quickly. Now not only will Paris be back in jail, but she's going for the full 45 days. Glory be! It's a little bit wrong how happy that photo of her crying in the back of the cop car made me feel. So thanks Jesus, or God, or Allah, or Buddha, or Sun God. You are awesome!

I forgot to tell you all that on my lunch break last week I'm pretty sure I passed Jessica Simpson who was sitting down to eat outside with her mom. It looked like her, then I heard her talk. The dumb waves were very powerful.

I can't tell you how tempted I was to roundhouse her in the throat...

Sunday I will officially become a California resident. I've done "lunch" and "drinks" with other Hollywood assistants. It takes me an hour in the morning to drive 13 miles to work. I talk on my cell phone while I walk around Rodeo. I've had celebrity citings. I play Ultimate Frisbee with writers/actors/directors under the Hollywood sign. I've had to use valet. I have to "schedule" people a few weeks in advance. I had to put on sunscreen in Feb. I'm taking improv classes, which is close enough to acting classes.

But now, on Sunday I will go surfing, wet suit and all.

Fear not fellow New Yorkers! I still yell at other cars who clearly don't know how to drive. And of course when I talk I use my hands excessively. And from time to time that accent sneaks in, making others giggle.

I really shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. It seems that once again the rich get to go through the EZ Pass while the rest of us dig for quarters. I usually could care less about what Paris Hilton does but the whole jail thing was a dream come true. Now after 5 whole days she gets house arrest? I said before that her going to jail was proof that God did exist. Now I wonder if I should be an atheist. If it's a test, that's not funny. Don't mess with my hopes and dreams of seeing the rich girl get what's coming to her. And if I run into her in heaven, if there is such a place, she better watch out because I will clothes line her ass.

Today the CA fam and I went down to the Hermosa Pier that was all set up for Memorial Day festivities. They had this cool Toyota Highway of the Future set up that taught you all about how to live green and how hybrids work. As you walk around they give you this card to swipe to use the interactive displays. Each station allows you to gain points that you can claim a prize with later. First one is a recycled pencil - kinda lame. Second is planting a tree - all about forests. Third is a self powering flashlight - I was like YES! Got my points, enough for the flashlight when I thought, you know let's do the world some good and plant a tree in my name. As the display came up asking me to state my name. I hesitated for a second, contimplating if I should make it under the name: Tits Magee. But alas, I did not. But it would have been pretty hilarious if I did.

It's been awhile. I apologize for all those who feel the need to hear from me on a regular basis, but you know what sometimes I feel like you are suffocating me. I mean, I like you and all but you need to back off a bit. I need my me-time, you know? So stop calling me for awhile because otherwise I'll tell you that "we need to talk." Then I'll lay the whole, "let's take a break," thing on you which will eventually lead to me saying, "yeah, I want to break up."

But in other news, last week I was putting some more money in my meter at work when I came across crumbled up money. I looked around, saw no one nearby, so I bent down to pick it up. Only in Beverly Hills would someone drop a 20. I didn't really want to take it, but what choice do I have? Leave it there for some Mercedes driving agent to get it? I think not. I did myself some civil service. Thank you, God. I owe you one.

After I pumped gallon after gallon of gasoline into my car at the Costco station the digital screen told me:

"Protect the Environment and Avoid Spills. Do Not Top Off."

I feel like it's inappropriate for a gas station to be telling me to protect the environment. As if spilling a drop will ruin the crop that grows in the ever abundant concrete fields. It should read:

"Protect the Environment and help fund Doc Brown's Flux Cupacitor or Buy a Hybrid."

Whatever happened to the Best Friend necklace? You know the one, a broken heart that on one side says "Be Fri" and the other "st ends." How come this was only available to me when I was in elementary school and we had our "holiday" shopping at school. Which by the way I purchased a lucky rabbit's foot year after year after getting my dad the generic dad gift, a cheap tool kit that was almost unusable. For mom, it was much easier, cheap earrings. The brother, well I already got a tool set, so maybe another rabbit foot? '

But I digress. Do we not cherish the need to claim our best friends anymore? As we get older our gifts turn to money and gift cards. Why not kick it oldschool and bring back the Best Friend necklace? I feel this is an untapped market that Tiffany's can make a pretty penny on. Then when it becomes the it thing, thanks to those shadow commericals (though that was for De Beer - damn you marketing for making me remember!), it can boost the economy by giving hustlers in NYC something else to make knockoff brands of.

Just imagine a shining 24K gold necklace with Best Friends written in diamonds....or at least you thought it was gold until it turned your neck green. Tricked again! If this happens, please note that you need a new Be Fri.

Today, Friday May 4, 2007 should be marked on our calanders and be remembered for years to come as the day that we held the proof in our hands that God really exists.

Behold, Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail that she can't get out of. I don't know about you but I am beelining it to church....

Also I'd like to update you all on my Battlestar Galactica status.

I held out finishing the last disc of Season 2.5 for about a week which you have to say is rather impressive. Before I get into how I avoided the shakes I'd like to mention that although I love the show, its pretty ridiculous/ingenuis for them to have made Season 2.0 and 2.5 and make me buy both DVD packets seperately for like 30 bucks each. Bastards! They are like crack dealers.

So I finished Season 2.5 and of course it ends in a way that has me exclaiming, "Oh my god." This response comes not just from the well executed finale but the sad reality that I have run out of episodes....
Or have I?

So I start thinking there must be a way around the system because I know there is no way I'm going to be able to hold out until August when Season 3 comes out. Sci-Fi doesn't have an on demand channel I was aware of, but my cousin Nate buys stuff on iTunes. So yes, thank you Steve Jobs for helping me get ma' fix. Low and behold 19 episodes are available for $34.99. Which I of course bought last night at about 11:30pm. And I didn't have the patience to wait for it to fully download before watching it. Come on now. Waiting? That's nonsense. But I haven't finished watching it because

1 it wasn't all downloaded
2 it was 2 hours long
3 I got sleepies

This weekend my cousin Nate and I did an impromptu apartment search in a few areas we heard about from friends. On one we found several signs so we parked to walk around. Low and behold there were a few open houses going on for that day. So we figure, we have nothing to lose. Only when we walked in there are people who are around 30 looking. They all turn to look at these 20 somethings coming in. Imediately you know that you can't afford this. The landlord lady welcomes you anyway. You continually say, "wow this is nice." or "look at all this space."

You can't just pivot and leave, that's rude, you've already made eye contact. So instead you wonder and fake interest, looking at the space as quickly as possible. In the end it was genuinely quite nice and well priced at $2,200/mo but not affordable for kids getting on their feet. We need a place with more "character." You know, broken stove, leaky toilet, no parking garage. Perhaps a crazy neighbor who screams a lot. Basically, the diamond in the rough.

A couple of things:

1. Last week it was so windy in LA...You respond, "How windy was it?!" Well studio audience it was SO windy that I was being pushed from the wind. At one point I tried to stand still as the wind blew my hair and clothes all over the place. I felt like Storm from XMen. Also I had to laugh as I tried to talk to lunch because a few times I had to lean over to avoid being knocked around. If I stuck around longer I'm sure I could have figured out a way to fly but I only have an hour.

2. I read that Universal Studios Florida is closing the Back to the Future ride. This is not ok on SO many levels. First of all, if you are a frequent reader you know what that movie means to me. Sure it gave me false hope at flying cars and flux cupassidors but it did give me hope. Now not only will there not be cars that fly by using garbage in real life but I can't enjoy imagining what it would be like to drive one while trying to escape being eaten by a T-Rex at an overpriced theme park. This is tragic. The only plus is that I now live in California and they aren't planning on closing that one anytime soon. If they do I'll at least think about getting an online petition before forgetting about it a week later. But we all know it's the thought that counts.

I have to say that one of the more ridiculous things ever made by man is the kid leash. I could just see a mom thinking, "You know, I really hate having to actually hold my child in order to keep an eye on them. There must be a way for me to do this and avoid actually touching them. After all the thing did spend 9 months in me, I need a break. Need my space, at least keep the thing a foot away. I'd like the option of leaving my kid tied to a parking meter while I run into Rite Aid."

Well guess what worse mom ever, the solution is here!

I was going to go into a rant about where you can purchase such a product but I honestly don't know. I feel like Babies R Us would be against it, maybe you could find it hidden away at a pet shop.

My Friday was spent at Disneyland. Mostly went to do the Star Tours ride where my nerd out level was dangerously high. Any ride that promotes the ice planet Hoth as a vacation get away is pretty much the best ride ever. Later on while in the Frontier section of the park I saw a lot of people walking around with giant turkey legs. I won't lie, I judged them. But then I passed the stand selling them and saw they were only 6 bucks - that's a steal! Those people were just making cost effective purchases, especially when you consider that one churro (totally delish) was 3 bucks.

We also took a fake amazon tour full of robotic animals almost splashing me on this boat. The tour guide was hilariously sarcastic and dry which pretty much made the ride. Towards the end this woman and I made eye contact. She held her gaze and then said to me, "You look just like that girl from Star Wars." Immediately I was like - Carrie Fisher? She goes, "From the newest ones...Padme." I replied, "Natalie Portman?" She goes, "Yes. Anyone told you that before? Doesn't she look like her." She then surveyed some people on the boat who agreed.

Now I won't deny that I'm pretty hot and I don't mind being compared to Natalie Portman, but I'm sorry but I disagree. I think it might be LA because I have been told I look like other people a lot more out here. They have no reference that people can just look like ordinary people, they must look like one of them celebrities that are everywhere. However I'm sure once the movie script about my life is written and green lit, that she'll be first on the list, that or as someone else told me, Kiera Knightly. Maybe if I did't eat for a year I'd look like Kiera.

Until then I'll continue to believe that I'm the spitting image of Estelle Getty.

Currently I can't get enough of Battlestar Galactica. It's not as dorky as you think. Here's how you know you are an official fan. Since the show airs on Sci-Fi and not HBO where you can curse they substitute the F bomb with the word "Frack." When you first start watching the show you are like, "umm, what did they say? Did they make up that word? Man that's nerdy." But after a few episodes you find yourself amused when they use it and will sometimes use it yourself. Welcome to the glory of being a Battlestar Galactica nerd.

However, I am going to run into a problem soon. You see I bought season one and burned through it. Then ran over to Best Buy and got all of season two. I'm almost done with that and season three isn't out yet. I might go into a coma. Or at least get the shakes when I haven't gotten my fix. And soon I'll have to wait a whole week til I get to see new episodes. This simply won't do. As such I will need someone to kidnap me. Then hold me hostage and say you'll kill me unless the producers from the show let me work there so I know what's going to be happening before it does and I get to watch all the new episodes right away. I might just kidnap myself. It's that or a coma. I figure I'll have to be in it for 4 or 5 years so when I get out all the seasons are available right away for my viewing pleasure. Until then, life simply isn't worth living....

Let's talk about the Cadbury Bunny for a moment.

You know its Easter time when a white rabbit bucks like a chicken on your TV set. Overall the chocolate bunny and hiding eggs really makes no sense whatsoever. I'd like to know who it was to come up with this idea. God must have been like, "Are you kidding?!"

It would make more sense if all the candy we ate somehow was digested without adding any pounds onto us. A true Easter miracle! Someone should really pitch that to Jesus. I mean it's not really fair when candy companies take seemingly healthy food items and make them ridiculous bad for you. I will list a few examples:

1. The Cadbury egg. Eggs are usually not too bad for you but they were all, "what if we wrapped it in chocolate and then filled the inside with sugar that looks like yoke!" And if that's not bad enough Reese's goes and does TWO versions of the egg. One has a hard sugar shell with peanut butter on the inside. The other is a bigger version of the Reese's peanut butter cup just shaped as an egg. You need some serious will power to avoid having either.

2. Jelly Beans. Let's get rid of all that gross protein and substitute it with a sugar version of a pina colada. Delish! On a side note I'd like to say that I find the popcorn flavored beans a bit disturbing to eat.

3. Peeps. Yeah, take that chicken! I would only like genetically altered hormones in my chicken, thank you very much.

I would like to address the wonder that is the school picture. Yes, that time of the year when you do yourself up aReal nice and wear the shirt your mom picked out. Then you smile like a tool and hope you don't look stupid because that picture is going out to all the relatives to post on the wall.

I really love that even though I never really cared about the picture I was always excited to choose the background. All I really remember were two options that are vastly different. One was the fake library full of non descript books, the other was a grey background with criss crossing pink and blue lazers. Of course when I was young all I wanted was the lazers because, I mean cmon, how bad ass is that? But you could tell who ever made it was at the peak of their Tron phase. This background was, and I feel pretty confident assuming this, made in the 80s. I say this mostly because 80s ideas of the future are only cool in the 80s. But now that I am in the future, lazers look pretty dumb.

Personally I think it would be pretty sweet if school pictures could get photoshoped after the fact. Not in a vain way where everyone's skin would be flawless. I am thinking more along the lines of like an iPod commercial. Make the background really colorful and then the person be solid black....

with an ipod shuffle around my neck, very academic of course.

I was around a toy store recently and it made me think of the Super Toy Run Nickelodeon used to do. I think it was once every few months some kid would get picked to run through a Toys R Us for about 5 mins and whatever they could fit into the cart they got to keep.

I used to have that whole store planned out in my head in case I ever won. Which I didn't, probably because I didn't really enter the raffle. But my stategy was to go down some key isles with my arm out so I would just knock stuff in as I went by. Which isles? Well: gameboy games, nerf weapons, bike, legos, and of course to mini jeep powerwheels.

If you want to hear the saddest story ever, one christmas I was probably about 5 and had my heart set of getting a powerwheels truck from Santa. When I didn't get it I told my parents, "I guess I wasn't good enough this year."

Ouch, take that! I'm sure I have an equal guilt trip coming my way if/when I have kids. But maybe I'll keep a leg up on them and just won't ever have any. That way I can spend all my money on me and have several powerwheels. I'll be like the poor man's Jay Leno with my "collection" of cars. And maybe I could get Al Gore to endorse me if I start driving it to work.

That reminds me. This weekend I had a dream that I went to a Ford dealership to tune up my car or something and it turns out I won a free car. I wanted an electric one but they didn't have much except like golf carts. So I was wondering around this dealership feeling really unsatisfied and then wondering if it was a con. Even when I woke up afterward I was skeptical and started thinking, "did I even read the fine print on that deal?"

I wonder if any guys have ever tried to wax off their facial hair. I totally would if it meant I didn't have to shave my bread everyday. Though I'm sure it would leave your face a tad bit red afterwards, but that might look kind of cool. And maybe if you meet up with some friends right afterwards you would get a cool nickname like Blood Beard.

That is, of course, assuming that all your friends are pirates.

I recently watched Who Killed the Electric Car? And it once again made me want to get into doc work again, sticking it to the man and getting out the word. Be a part of something that motivates people to do something about an important issue...until the new Ugly Betty comes on and then they forget all about them world troubles.

But it's got me to thinking, obviously this gas thing is becoming a problem. Um, 3.20 a gallon, is this a big inside joke? Will there be coupons? Oh, and it's only going to get worse? Great. Wait, the exhaust can give me asthma? Where does the fun end?!

So that made me think what else can we try to use to replace oil? There's the obvious choice of air but that's too easy. Then maybe something fun like candy, but let's me honest we'd rather eat that. Garbage is too gross to go digging though, I ain't no homeless man! Perhaps soup, there's usually plenty of sodium in there. Or how about rocks? You can't really run out of those. But I think the best thing that's a renewable source is love. Awww shucks!

It's renewable until something better catches out eye....

oh snap, I went there.

Well I say screw it. If we're going to have to pay top dollar for this oil junk then there better be diamonds in it. That at least justifies it. But when you pull into the Thrify Gas station (and yes that is the name) and it's just as much as Chevron you are like, oh man this is bad.

The best solution is to just not pay for the gas and WILL my car to work without it.