Merry belated Christmas! I have successfully eaten too much junk food. There is always too much food and a ton of leftovers. I'm not sure where we get the idea of 4 servings per person or why we always bring food to other events, avoid eating it, and then insist to others that they have to take it home. Rinse and repeat.

In other news I went to the mall yesterday. Yay, the mall! Of course it was crowded and of course H&M was 100 degrees but that didn't stop me from shopping. I was very focused on spending gift cards and money. You know, the important things in life.

My biological clock is slowing slipping into New York time. That being said I'm still up til 2am. I always think I'm going to wake up early. Set the alarm for 9am (vacation early time). The alarm goes off, I pretend I'll get up and hit snooze until that's annoying and I turn it off thinking I'll be up in 5 minutes. Cut to 20 minutes later and I wake up all, "Oh crap!" But really what am I waking up for? The parents are back to work, my brother is asleep, and there is nothing on TV. Case in point, today I did some Yoga while watching Jurassic Park, thanks HBO.

Very eventful mid-afternoon.

This morning (using the term loosely) I woke up and my family disappeared. Much like the beloved holiday film "Home Alone;" though I don't have the energy or know how to pull off many of Kevin's shenanigans.

I'm pretty sure my Dad is at work, my Mom is doing last minute holiday shopping, and my brother is sleeping. However, the dog is missing so perhaps he's getting a holiday haircut because he was looking a bit rugged. By the way, in case I have never mentioned it my dog Parker is a super handsome dark furred golden retriever who is 80 plus pounds of mush. If he was a human he would be a very handsome latino gay man. Quite a catch.

Perhaps if I go back to sleep the universe will right itself and everyone will be home again. Justification for more sleepy time!

Also, travel drama update: I called Virgin America today and didn't have to bitch out at all to get money back for booking another flight after mine was canceled - see below.

Turns out my red eye flight didn't get canceled as I was banking. Instead it was only delayed til midnight. Bonus LL Cool J was on the flight and I tried to make an effort not to stare and failed.

Also fun, as we were landing the child sitting in front of me totes vomited all over so I got to smell that for the next hour that we sat around outside the gate waiting for it to be cleared. Apparently we were the first flight to come in to JFK this morning, but that could easily have been a lie/an attempt to impress us all. Didn't fool me.

The worst part about leaving 70 degree weather for the blizzard of '09 is that I leave all heavy clothes at home and turns out wearing converse shoes makes you susceptible to taking several spills down stairs with luggage in hand. Fun! Also fun is the train ride getting canceled halfway to my house and we had to get out and walk to another train station where the stair falling occurred. Thankfully I wasn't the only one. I recall mumbling several curses and phrases involving the word "ridiculous."

Mama needs a nap.

The blizzard of 2009 is being very selfish. I might have to crack some heads at the Virgin America check in booth when my flight tonight is inevitably canceled. This morning I was canceled, now I'm delayed 4 hours. Not a fan.

The best part is when I get cranky/annoyed on the customer service phone to the robot lady. She asks for my phone number, but can never find my info, then asks for my confirmation number, then asks for your last name. Eventually I just start saying things like "You Suck" or "Son of a Bitch," to which she replies, "I'm sorry, I couldn't find anything under that name."

My aunt told me somewhere those responses are recorded and I thought, "There will be some real gems today." In short, you're welcome.

I booked a back-up flight on Southwest for Monday for when the aforementioned Virgin flight is canceled. I'd like my money refunded in full and am not afraid to call in with bomb threats until I get it. I don't want to get mean but I will bitch you out if necessary. I'll get all street on you.

If my flight options today were a flow chart every option would go directly to: You're Screwed.

Last night was my company's holiday party at a fancy hollywood bowling alley. We had a private room with food and drinks. First I'd like to say I successfully got tipsy off white wine before proceeding to white russians. I'm a very racist drink orderer.

Second, I didn't bowl until much later in the eve when everyone was basically all on one lane, though we had 4 reserved. Naturally I went over to the empty lane where, lo and behold, there was a game half complete. Ever the good worker, I decided to finish it up...on my own. I am pretty sure I bowled more than anyone else in a matter of 20 minutes. But I paid a price. Today my entire left leg is sore up to my butt. I am def no bowling pro, but my form does involve a lunge. So despite getting in exercise on a daily basis, it seems throwing a 10 pound ball is something my body just can't handle.

We all know bacon instantly makes things better but who knew it applied to first aid.

http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products-Bacon-Bandages.html

There is no limit to what we can accomplish...

On Sunday I cooked, like with an oven.

I would like to say spaghetti squash is the most amazing thing ever. All you have to do is cut it in half, place it face down in a baking tray (add some water if you please) and let it bake for an hour at 375 degrees. You take it out, let it cool down for a bit, then take a fork and scrap out the insides. It strings out like spaghetti on it's own. The magic of mother nature!

People will ask how you got the consistancy and think it took forever. Feel free to lie saying it was VERY complicated. So adult of you...

It's raining in LA. I can probably count on my hand the number of times that has happened since I moved out here 3 years ago. Or perhaps it would best be described by Annie Lennox lyrics:

And I miss you
like the deserts miss the rain.

Deserts and rain have had a strained relationship. There was some kind of falling out that none of us are aware of but basically they aren't talking. Every so often they'll see each other but mostly they avoid eye contact and pretend not to notice as they pass by. It's tragic really. The people of the land are the ones who suffer. I mean seriously guys, work it out. For the kids.

I apologize for my tardiness as of late. The holiday season means doing more "work" before the break. December is FLYING by. My mom bugged me for several weeks to send her my Christmas list, which was quite scarce this year. I'm officially at the age of boring gifts.

I sat there at my computer and after several days of thinking could only really come up with an assortment of gift cards. Not to pat myself on the back but I don't really want much. My daily needs are: internet, food, and sleep. On occassion I buy things like DVDs and clothes. I live like I'm in the depression. While staying with my Aunt in LA I was notorious for not allowing her to throw away food that she deemed as "bad." I'd always volunteer to eat it, or as I liked to say, test the boundries of the human body. I always survived. You don't get food poisoning if you cut around the bad parts. Duh. But honestly, that pie you just made isn't stale after two days.

Back in the day, when I twas a young lass in elementary school my parents used to pack my lunches. No brown bag. No themed metal lunchbox, but a soft velcro thermal lined concoction with assorted colors. You can imagine how cool I was.

Now at the time I was semi annoyed I didn't get Yoo-Hoo (which you can drink in 2 seconds -there is NOTHING in those things), or any of the other bad for you snacks. An apple?! How am I supposed to get early onset diabetes with that?! Ridiculous...

On occasion my parents would give me some snack money for Hot Fries. I LOVED those things. All the kids used to dare each other to eat a whole bag without anything to drink. I totally did it.

Now for all my home made lunches which lasted through my senior year (thank you mom!), I do remember that on Friday's I'd get money for the pizza bagel. It was A-mazing. There was a crazy amount of cheese on these things and the bagel was semi soggy but somehow it was the best thing in the world. I'm sure there is some gov't lunch organization that has all of them stored up. I needs me a business plan to start up a shop. Then I'll create a gimmic food completition so it's featured on Man V. Food. Then I can be rich and fraud a whole bunch of people.

My end game would be to have a pool full of money that I can swim in like Scrooge McDuck.

I really love how the word "diversity" has become a blanket term for race.

I saw a few movies over the break. First up: New Moon. Let me preface that it wasn't a movie I wanted to go to because I'm a total snob. In fact the exchange with my cousin Nate was as follows:

Nate: You know I'm going to make you see New Moon with me.
Me: I'd like to see you try.

Thankfully I didn't pay for it. Once again I was expecting so little that it wasn't the worst thing I've seen but it could have been a hour long. Here's basically what happens, and I'm not ruining anything here. Below I will channel the voice of the main character Bella.

Bella: Ah, boo! Two hot boys like me and I'm in high school, my life is SO hard. : (

Next movie: The Blind Side. This one I actually had an interest in seeing, mostly because I'm a sucker for based on true life events. Yet I am not sure how I feel about a movie that is basically like, "oh look black people need white people to be successful." However, Sandra Bullock does rock the casbah. Also, it appears she is no longer aging.

The other day I had a dream that I met Meryl Streep. I got a minor case of the giggles which she acknowledged. I think I was there to help with a film shoot or interview so it's not like I randomly accosted her. We started to chat and then my damn alarm woke me up and ruined everything. Way to go real life.

In other news, I grazed on apple/peach cobbler/cherry/pumpkin/pecan pie for about 2 days straight whilst in the AZ. On Friday I went for a 2.8 mile walk and although I didn't break a sweat I felt like I successfully burnt all the calories off. Never doubt the power of denial.

Also I loved that on Thanksgiving day the radio was starting to play Christmas songs. We weren't even done with turkey before making the mad dash into the present buying insanity. I will never understand sleeping outside of Best Buy when you can have Santa take care of it for you. Hello people he has a magical bag full of your hearts desire!

It's almost Turkey Day. Sorry turkeys but we'z a gonna eat cha! Personally I'm more excited about the desserts. This year I'll be going to the AZ to hang out with some Mormons that I'm semi related to through marriage. Should be fun.

I went a few years ago I almost exclusively ate pie everyday as a meal. A-mazing. See if you eat it as your meal only two times a day and walk around the block it pretty much negates the calories. Yeah, I'm going with that.

If I'm out of reach for awhile you know why. I got converted. Also there is a high probability that my cousin Nate will force me to see New Moon. I might indulge him if he doesn't mind hearing snarky comments the entire time, that or I'll just take a nap.

Allow me to discuss the movie 2012 with you. First of all I saw it last night and if you go in with the expectation of it to suck, then you leave going, "you know, it wasn't terrible..." Let me be clear, it's not good either. It's no Snakes On A Plane, however, I enjoyed making snarky comments with friends throughout.

What I like best about this whole thing is that they didn't release the movie in the year 2012 which to me would have been fun to capitalizes on people's paranoia. I'm pretty sure that's because they thought, well just in case the world does end I'd like to make money off this and be rich for three years before I die. That's a pretty good exit strategy.

I have looked into many a 2012 theories. I'm convinced that I got about 3 years left since it's slated to happen at the end of the 2012 year. That being said, I'd like to live it up these next few years. So perhaps I should run up a crazy amout of credit card debt with the idea that I'll never really have to pay it back. It's basically a fool proof plan. Unless we get another Y2K situation. Then I'm screwed.

But from what I've read about Super Volcano's, I dunno what's worse: dying in a fire blast from the erruption or surviving and having to live through a nuclear winter. Die instantly or die gradually. Probs going with the instant, though I'm sure the lines for Heaven will be to DMV proportions.

One thing I know for sure. I'd rather die on one of the coasts then survive in middle America.

If you are a vampire are you ONLY allowed to drink blood or is cake fair game? In all these TV shows and movies they mention how they never really eat. I dunno about you, but if I had to live forever without enjoying the awesome power of banana bread or stuffing myself at an all you can eat Indian buffet, that would be a deal breaker.

Sorry, I'm out. I'm catching the next sunset. See you on the flip side.

I'm fascinated by bizarre things that become popular like Cirque du Soleil. Can you image the first pitch of that idea...

Businessman: So you're telling me that it's like the regular circus except no one speaks english, everyone's half naked, and it's overall much gayer?
Artist: Yeah, basically.
Businessman: Get the hell out of my office.

But even better is BodyWorks. For those unfamiliar it's an exhibit that shows real human bodies in mostly bones and muscles form. It's like a freakish science fair. I have been to it before and it's amazing. However as you stand there and look at the muscles of some ice skater on top of their game you wonder, ok how exactly did you get that person's body when they died?

You are told they donate their body to science, but did they know they were dying or was it a freak accident? I mean I get why you have the obese guy but the marathon runner in the best shape of their life just to happened to die AND noted at 25 that they wanted their body donated?

I smell a conspiracy...or perhaps an excuse not to exercise. Not only is it true that fat kids are harder to kidnap but no one will ever try to kill you and put you on display.

I work at a small studio that allows people to bring in their dogs. My boss has 2 big white labs who pay us all a visit once every couple of months. They are cute but spoiled and when you want to work they want you to throw a ball down the hallway. They bark at you when you don't. It's especially fun when you are on the phone.

Originally my boss only had one named Owen. Then a few years later they got another one named Joey who is only 6 months but he's huge. Now Owen is naturally annoyed at Joey's energy level and attention for being the "puppy." He displayed some of this anger yesterday by doing the following:

1. Humping Joey's face while they wrestled.
2. Peeing on Joey's head.

And as if that's not awkward enough later in the day when I took them both out on their second bathroom break Joey pooped and was clearly aroused.

Gross.

It has come to my attention that I need to correct a previous post about the Snuggie.

In my post I implied the Snuggie was created because we were too lazy to take a blanket off ourselved while we're laying around and need to use our hands. I have been corrected, that it is there to keep you warm while you use your arms. I apologize if this has caused the Snuggie any financial harm.

However, may I suggest to them that it could be beneficial to add gloves onto the sleeve so the hands won't be cold. As someone with poor circulation in my hands this enhancement would be much appreciate. There should be a traction layer on the palm side so you can easily grip the remote control or pages of your book (thanks for the complimentary book light!).

Also while we're at it, can we add some pants with little booties on the end, and perhaps a velcro back so I can suit up in the mornings? I've heard the dog snuggie has velcro to keep it on them but it kinda makes me jealous. I want to be wrapped up like a delish cozy burrito.

The Snuggie is TOTES the new Robe.

Second Grade Journal:

The Mealworm Saga Part IV

1. They wigal when you pick it up.
2. They have a little bit of hair.
3. They have 13 segments in them.
4. They have legs in the front of them.
5. They like to walk on the side of the dish.
6. I think they will trun into bettles.

Number 7 was written but then X'd out. Who knows what I planned to say. Though it's written in pencil so I'm not sure why I didn't just erase it. But then again so many things in my journal don't make sense. It's really a miracle I got through second grade.