Today while killing some time during the "wait" section of the "hurry up and wait" part I randomly got the song "Shake It Fast" by Mystikal in my head. Namely the chorus. Naturally the co-worker I was with looked up the song lyrics so we could fully appreciate the wonder of this hip hop ballad to the ladies.

Behold:

I'm comin' with the fire like Aiyaaa! - What an ethnic name.
Chocolate and bowlegged, runnin' up behind ya - You know how hard it is to run bowlegged? You better stretch first. PS; Thanks for the chocolate.
Go 'head, get down, pop lock at the rockhouse - AKA my Saturday nights.
Girl, don't lie, you know you wanna go back to my house - I don't.
Man right'cher wanna get under that dress right there - If you're going to use right'cher once, why even bother to say it right later? It's insulting to ebonics.
Spicy cajun, we gon have a good time over there - I prefer spicy thai.
You better stick a head on that there crawfish - What?
You gotta bend all the way over to dance off this - Again, what?
Handle your business, 'cuz you know he do it way better - Business as in finances.
You're dead wrong - Are you arguing with yourself?
So if you totin' by and brothers make noise when you pass by - Totin'? not a word, sorry.
get on the dance floor girl, - You can't tell me what to do!
'Cuz this your song - I'm more of an Annie Lennox fan.
Do your thang, - OK, here comes the cabbage patch!
Don't be scured - I'm going to guess you failed English...
'Cuz you gon get served - Oh snap!
I'll get mine and you'll get yurn - What does that even mean?
Brothers thank that ass so lovely - You're welcome.
Raise it up, show yo g-string hustlin', hustlin' - Actually it's Hanes perfect fit.
Bend over, girl, show me what'cha workin' wit - I'm workin' wit dis right'cher!

It goes on. Feel free to enjoy it in it's entirety. I sure did.

It was my birthday this past weekend. I am now 26. Officially out of my early 20s and into the decade where I have to think about adult stuff like 401Ks, a house, career, settling down. Gross. I don't feel 26 at all and don't look at all like the people in their 20s on reality shows, whether it's Project Runway or The Bachelor (PS - if you are on The Bachelor that young, there is something wrong, did you even try the interwebs?). They seem so much older, but that's probs because I look 18. Let's just say the bartenders are always surprised.

To celebrate I went snowboarding as it is free on your bday. Totes aws. It was aReal crowded. I think everyone came to see me...OR it snowed for like a week previously. Whatevs. Since it was crowded I went over to the harder side of the mountain. I'm no expert but I held my own and am quite proud to say that I only ate it once; on the easiest part of the course. My tailbone is still feeling it.

A couple of fun things:

1. My pinky toe on my right foot feels numb. Kinda like pins and needles. Not sure what that's about but it's starting to get annoying. Perhaps it's nerve damage? I hope it magically heals itself because until it turns blue or falls off, I'm honestly not going to do anything about it.

2. On the way back down the mountain at night there was a patch of black ice that took my car for a spin right into the mountain. The car started to skid towards a wall of snow and of all the things I could have yelled I chose: "Oh dear!" We were actually super lucky that the people behind us didn't hit us, no one was coming up the mountain, the car only clipped the mountain so the bumper is chipped but otherwise fine, AND the best part; we didn't swirve the other way because there was no guard rail (good idea) and we would've gone off a cliff - 80s cop show style, probably blowing up on impact.

So yay I'm alive! Although it would have been kinda badass to die on my bday as well. And I'd have a pretty good death story for heaven, not to mention bonus points for not cursing before dying.

Last night as I was getting ready to sleep I heard the chirping of a cricket in the room. Immediately I thought, "Well, that's not gonna fly." So I went on the hunt to find where he was hiding. I located the target and terminated it. It was a necessary evil. I mean, really dude, you have the ENTIRE outdoors to live in. Don't break into my apartment and start making noise at midnight. That's just not cool.

Other crickets with internet access who can read beware!

You get greedy and you'll pay the price.

I'd like to share with you a little visual gift. This is the image currently on my desktop. It's often a bright spot in my day. I think you know why...

Amazing.

Please excuse my tardiness as of late. I've been busy working on a script. Deadline was today so now I can come back out and play. But if you are going to be coming to my door every day and banging incessantly then I'm going to pretend I'm not home.

I remember my Mom used to have us pretend not to be home when a Jehovah's Witness would coming a knockin'. She must have had radar because she would spot them from around the block and have us close the door, blinds, and turn out the lights. Not like she hates religion or anything, though she did go to Catholic school and once out was all, "Screw that, I'm going Christian!" They say the best way to create an atheist is to put them in Catholic School.

Must be sad being a Jehovah's Witness. I'm sure that happens a lot, and there are some Moms less savvy who they catch closing the blinds. Perhaps they spend their days listening to that Green Day song, Boulevard of Broken Dreams...

Second Grade Journal Entry:

OK, there are a lot of things that I like about this one. First of all, I get to pretend I'm Squanto. And perhaps it was a fruedian slip about staying "war my tribe was." Funny you should misspell that...(insert actual WAR). Also that response can be one sentence, not two.

Second, for all of you who love FAILBLOG, we can add in a MATH FAIL at the end. No, Colleen, 10 is not the "ansr."

Dear Martin Luther King Jr,

Thanks so much for being black and fighting for your rights. Sorry you got shot. That's lame. Future generations will honor this day by sleeping late, making a decent breakfast because they actually have time in the morning, and perhaps watching a movie and/or shopping. Hopefully you are enjoying the VIP section of heaven with Gandhi and Mother T.

Earthboundly yours,
C$

Today I'm pretty jazzed for 2 reasons.

1. It's the Friday of a long weekend. MLK day in the house!

2. Adding the actual page right out of the Second Grade Journal:

It seems only appropriate for the coming weekend that I post this one. Even as a child I knew the value of having 3 days off. But I was bold and pushed the envelope saying I wanted half days as well. Let's be honest, we can cram it all in there if you take out the "sharing" lessons. The best part is the check mark left behind from my teacher. There aren't many of those in there but this one she completely agreed with.

Also it's important to know what the greatest and least number is. I use that on a daily basis.

Recently I discovered that I can add pictures to this blog rather easily. Welcome to the information age, Colleen. Come sit a spell.

This is going to be awesome for you. Starting with the visualization of some Second Grade Journal entries because reading them straight from the source is where the real magic comes from.

Meal Worm Saga - Part VII (now with visuals!)

Enjoy!

This is my 800th post. Is it sad or awesome that immediately I think how Yoda is 800 years old so him and I are alike? One step closer to becoming a Jedi in real life...

800 calls for a celebration. TV shows hope to get to 100 episodes because then you get syndication rights aka you never have to work again. Oh, hello check that comes in the mail from my sitcom many a year ago. This blog is like a sitcom many times over. So in many ways, I should retire. I'm working too hard.

I wonder what I'll be like in my retirement. Something tells me that I'll never really stop working. But perhaps my "work" will change forms into sleeping late, watching Food Network, and yelling at the neighborhood riff raff. This is yet another reason why we need Time Machines. I'd like to catch a glimpse of myself. I think my future self could handle seeing my younger self. I'm mentally healthy enough to sustain time travel visits. I'd totally hang out with myself. Let myself borrow some money and or clothes. I'd be my own BFF.

I'll tell you one thing, the "making fun of stuff" level would be off the charts.

On today's episode of second grade journal entries...

The Mealworm Saga presents - Part VI

1. When will my mealworms turn into bettles?
2. They have seven legs.
3. My mealworms like to hide onder the oatmeal.
4. They have one leg in the back of them.
5. They do not make nose.

On the edge of your seat yet? Yeah, me neither...

I know its been awhile but I'd like to bring back the some second grade journal goodness for you...

Mealworm Saga Part V
(you can search for parts I-IV to get best effect)

1. One of my mealworms are about an inch.
2. If you put a mealworm on your hand it will tickl.
3. Do they biet?
4. Are they black bettles?

So many questions. Will nine year old Colleen get to the bottom of it? Tune in next time.

After every shower I notice there is a decent amount of hair that comes off my head. My hair is pretty thin and as it's getting longer I spot those straggling pieces on my shirt. As much as some would jest, I do shower on a daily basis. Now I'll be the first to admit I'm no good at math but the law of averages tells me that the number of hairs coming out of my head can fall out quicker than new ones growing in.

It's only a matter of time before I'll need a wig. That or I'll just magic marker my head. I'm sure no one will notice.

Since returning to work I have been displaying my recent clothing purchases courtesy of the holiday. Personally I always act like I have no money so I only really spend it on the basics like food and entertainment. I'm still kind of amazed I make money doing work after interning for free.

So when I buy clothes and add them to the closet it forces me to clean out things I don't wear or need. I find it rather amusing that the clothes you wore before the new fun clothes suddenly seem lame. Sorry old favorite shirt but there's a new sheriff in town and he's way more fun to hang out with; he's got an in-ground pool plus jacuzzi. Don't be sad I'm sure a Salvation Army shopper will buy you and make you feel special again.

Now that it's 2010 I'm unsure how to properly abbreviate it, as saying the entire thing takes up five syllables. I don't have time for that. Yet everything I got seems awkward.

1. '010
2. the ten
3. the tens

Number three has a limited shelf life since it's not useful after 12 as it becomes teens. Perhaps tweens? Maybe during this time we'll all surcome to the power of the Edward Twilight T-shirt and Jonas Brothers CDs.

And I'm back in LA. It managed to start snowing again the morning I was leaving causing me to get Post Tramatic Stress flashbacks. Thankfully took off A-OK. Though I did't realize when I booked the ticket how many stops it involved. Damn you Southwest and your cheap fares with a billion stops and lay overs! You don't even have TVs, how am I supposed to entertain myself? Read?! Gross.

So Colleen's travels back to LA included the following:

1. Long Island to Baltimore. I made a non-crazy or annoying airplane friend. We both got to experience the WORST landing of our lives as the plane significantly rocked from side to side on the entire decent. As per usual, I was convinced I was going to die. The two of us enjoyed some food and then hit up a store called "AMERICA!" According to this store America = sailboats and assorted T-shirts. Turns out Baltimore pretends to be like DC. There were plently of offensive politically themed/racist t-shirts to be found. I for one couldn't resist purchasing a mini growing President Obama. You know the drill - drop in water and watch the CHANGE! Get it? I assume they usually make these as white people because he looks like he's in black face.

2. Baltimore to Kentucky. Sat in the first row with tons of leg space but no storage allowed by your feet so I put my laptop under my jacket. So badass! Also noticed the flight attendent put in fake buck teeth with braces while doing the boring exits are located here routine.

3. Kentucky to LA. Stayed on the plane. Forced myself to write as young man sitting next to me rocked out to air drum and guitar solos. Listened to Michael Jackson on iPod as we landed. Take that FAA! I'm a rebel!

Then I got to wait about a half hour to get my checked bag. I'm telling you, we need to figure out this teleporting jazz ASAP. Scientists listen up! I'll allow you to stop your work on creating lightsabers to focus on this.

Merry belated Christmas! I have successfully eaten too much junk food. There is always too much food and a ton of leftovers. I'm not sure where we get the idea of 4 servings per person or why we always bring food to other events, avoid eating it, and then insist to others that they have to take it home. Rinse and repeat.

In other news I went to the mall yesterday. Yay, the mall! Of course it was crowded and of course H&M was 100 degrees but that didn't stop me from shopping. I was very focused on spending gift cards and money. You know, the important things in life.

My biological clock is slowing slipping into New York time. That being said I'm still up til 2am. I always think I'm going to wake up early. Set the alarm for 9am (vacation early time). The alarm goes off, I pretend I'll get up and hit snooze until that's annoying and I turn it off thinking I'll be up in 5 minutes. Cut to 20 minutes later and I wake up all, "Oh crap!" But really what am I waking up for? The parents are back to work, my brother is asleep, and there is nothing on TV. Case in point, today I did some Yoga while watching Jurassic Park, thanks HBO.

Very eventful mid-afternoon.

This morning (using the term loosely) I woke up and my family disappeared. Much like the beloved holiday film "Home Alone;" though I don't have the energy or know how to pull off many of Kevin's shenanigans.

I'm pretty sure my Dad is at work, my Mom is doing last minute holiday shopping, and my brother is sleeping. However, the dog is missing so perhaps he's getting a holiday haircut because he was looking a bit rugged. By the way, in case I have never mentioned it my dog Parker is a super handsome dark furred golden retriever who is 80 plus pounds of mush. If he was a human he would be a very handsome latino gay man. Quite a catch.

Perhaps if I go back to sleep the universe will right itself and everyone will be home again. Justification for more sleepy time!

Also, travel drama update: I called Virgin America today and didn't have to bitch out at all to get money back for booking another flight after mine was canceled - see below.

Turns out my red eye flight didn't get canceled as I was banking. Instead it was only delayed til midnight. Bonus LL Cool J was on the flight and I tried to make an effort not to stare and failed.

Also fun, as we were landing the child sitting in front of me totes vomited all over so I got to smell that for the next hour that we sat around outside the gate waiting for it to be cleared. Apparently we were the first flight to come in to JFK this morning, but that could easily have been a lie/an attempt to impress us all. Didn't fool me.

The worst part about leaving 70 degree weather for the blizzard of '09 is that I leave all heavy clothes at home and turns out wearing converse shoes makes you susceptible to taking several spills down stairs with luggage in hand. Fun! Also fun is the train ride getting canceled halfway to my house and we had to get out and walk to another train station where the stair falling occurred. Thankfully I wasn't the only one. I recall mumbling several curses and phrases involving the word "ridiculous."

Mama needs a nap.

The blizzard of 2009 is being very selfish. I might have to crack some heads at the Virgin America check in booth when my flight tonight is inevitably canceled. This morning I was canceled, now I'm delayed 4 hours. Not a fan.

The best part is when I get cranky/annoyed on the customer service phone to the robot lady. She asks for my phone number, but can never find my info, then asks for my confirmation number, then asks for your last name. Eventually I just start saying things like "You Suck" or "Son of a Bitch," to which she replies, "I'm sorry, I couldn't find anything under that name."

My aunt told me somewhere those responses are recorded and I thought, "There will be some real gems today." In short, you're welcome.

I booked a back-up flight on Southwest for Monday for when the aforementioned Virgin flight is canceled. I'd like my money refunded in full and am not afraid to call in with bomb threats until I get it. I don't want to get mean but I will bitch you out if necessary. I'll get all street on you.

If my flight options today were a flow chart every option would go directly to: You're Screwed.