I wanted to tell people a few things I find really annoying:

1. Hot girls on TV complaining that it's SUPER hard to meet guys. Yeah, OK.

2. Actors who get Knighted and then make people call them Sir...whatever. Example: Sir Ben Kingsley. Um, sorry but you are aware you only PLAYED Gandhi, you didn't actually do any of those things in real life.

3. People who have super specific phobias which are ridiculous like fear of jewelry. I'm sure it's very real and scary for them, but I mean, really?! There are too many people milling around when those kinds of phobias start happening AND get showcased on The Tyra Banks Show.

4. Tyra Banks.

Yesterday I was collecting my loose change, though if it's not a quarter I don't really know what to do with it. Of course I find a few pennies and as I spot the copper I think, "Can I just throw it out?" But it's money! So instead I decide to fool myself into collecting it with the false hope I would one day take them to the bank and get useful things like dollars or quarters.

As I collected a few pennies I noticed one was shinier than the rest. Upon closer inspection it didn't look like a penny as the back of it was some new kind of symbol. Naturally I thought it was foreign money and yet, it was in English. Wha???

It appears we got ourselves a new penny design that NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT. I remember talk about getting rid of the penny but instead it's now new and slightly lighter in weight. OR perhaps someone created a fake penny and snuck it in my bag to spy on me. It's probs a government plot to assassinate me. I'm not sure if you are aware but I'm kind of a big deal.

So for your viewing pleasure please enjoy this Captain America themed new penny back:

One of my co-workers has a date tonight. Naturally we wanted to hear all the deets about where they met this person and it turns out it was from speed dating. So once he left, I said, I hope he doesn't get murdered because let's be honest, you never know. Side note: I'd be genuinely bummed if he was.

Now I'm not saying that I WANT to be murdered but...(and I know this is a great way to start a rant)

IF I was murdered I'd hate for it to be a mundane one where I was just like shot for my wallet (ha, jokes on you!), or mistaken ID for someone they wanted to kill, or mugging gone wrong. We are so used to hearing those stories on the news it doesn't really stand out and it'd be really annoying to me. But if it was some elaborate or really messed up murder that then gets ripped from the headlines as a Law and Order: SVU episode plot, I'd be ok with it. I'm sure at the time it would suck but at least then I died so Marishka Hargitay could win another Emmy. You know what I'm saying?

The other day at work I was told there was a spider found in the kitchen that was so large you could see the many eyes and he was found rustling around in the granola bars container.

Um, ew.

I can't really tolerate the existence of spiders in general. If it's under an inch I can usually handle apologizing to it before squishing it to death with a double layered tissue. But this one, I've been told was about 3 inches. Now I consider myself a pretty strong woman and I'm glad I wasn't the one who found said spider because I'd probs freak the F out upon finding it. Especially in the kitchen. That's like, my favorite place at work.

Needless to say I won't be eating granola bars any time soon.

I attempted to watch Robin Hood over the weekend. I have to say that if I was a movie critic I would keep my reviews short and sweet. Robert and Ebert had it right. Thumbs up or down and you are done. Well, my reviews would be the simple elementary school check system so the whole family would know. Please see below:

Robin Hood: check minus

And just since I know you are all DYING to know the details of my life...
Addendum: I almost fell asleep twice before leaving. Also isn't Robin Hood supposed to NOT be 50 years old. I mean, really. C'mon now.

The past few weeks I've been busy at work and I haven't stayed on top of blogging or even better the news. I have to say I'm much happier without the news. I no longer get annoyed or frustrated by human beings and their endless shenanigans.

But I recently jumped back on the bandwagon and here are my highlights:

1. Giant Oil Spill - are we really going to try to clog it up with more crap? The Coast Guard wants to use shredded tires and golf balls. I feel like I should be working for SNL and write a "Really?!" segment. You are the Coast Guard, not a 5 year old child playing in the sink!

2. Another republican pretending he's not gay - oh no, this young male companion is just carrying my luggage...nothing suspicious happening here except you know, hypocrisy. I don't understand how people could even start to believe anything he's saying. Is your brain broken?

I really can't handle it anymore. I don't really think of myself as a pessimist but if I were God I'd shut this crazy ride down. Find the undo key. It's just more proof in my mind that it's all over in 2 years. Enjoy it everyone! I know I'm going to try to eat more ice-cream sandwiches, especially on Fridays because we all know calories eaten on Fridays don't count.

All I know is, God Bless Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. Without them I'd surely destroy my tv.

Yesterday it was really windy and it made me think of the phrase, it's "as useful as a fart in a wind storm."

Naturally I have a few issues. One being when is a fart useful in general?

Answer: I suppose to create an awkward situation between two strangers/co-workers. Also useful to clear a room - it has worked for both my dog and dad in the past.

Perhaps we're just using the phrase incorrectly and it should be "as undetectable as a fart in a windstorm." I mean, let's be honest, if you fart into the breeze, no one really knows but you and mother nature, who I'm sure isn't thrilled about it.

The other day whilst at work one of my co-workers was saying she didn't feel well. Being the self proclaimed hypochondriac that she is, she diagnosed herself as having possible meningitis. She claimed she felt sleepy and her neck was hurting. So I told her she was probably just turning into a vampire. I must add that we were outside at the time and she was complaining how bright it was.

I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Meanwhile when I asked what exactly meningitis was my other co-worker said, "I just think it's puffy. Something with your nerves is happening and you're puffy." After a WebMD search she concluded, "Ok, so everything I told you was probably wrong."

Thank God we would only write dialogue for doctors instead of actually being doctors.

So there appears to be this disease/disorder called Williams Syndrome. It's super rare but it biologically renders the person incapable of not trusting others. I'm not making this up.

http://www.scpr.org/news/2010/04/25/a-life-without-fear/

For the record I'd like to say that if/when I become a parent, this would be my worst nightmare because it would severely handicap my ability to talk to my own child since anyone who knows me is aware that half of what I say is sarcasm.

Dear Steve Jobs,

Though you have dazzled the tech hispters time and time again, I have a proposition for you. It's only a matter of time before people will want Apple products to be fused into their bodies but we're a long way from having an iPod inserted into our brains, the science just isn't there yet and it's kind of vain. But we definitely have the capabilities to enhance people's lives and appearance with the iPhone like touchscreens and images.

Mr. Jobs, imagine that you are walking through the park and trip over some of that pesky mother nature (rocks, tree roots, and the like), you fall and hit your face and oops your eye pops out. Either that or maybe a ninja plucks it out a la Kill Bill Vol. 2, whatevs.

Now you don't have an eye! That sucks. But you do have Apple technology and the ability to name things using "i" instead of "eye." Do you see where I'm going here?

May I present, the "iPatch." Think of the possibilities! You can choose your eye color, the ability to stare, wink, blink, etc. The eye can interact with others, following them around. Now I want to be clear, let's not make this an eye that can go into your socket, we're still going to rock the string because too many people enjoy pretending they are pirates.

I will kindly take my percentage to be paid out in a giant pool filled with money and you should give it to me because let's be honest, you're a billionaire a few times over. Don't get greedy.

Best,
C$

(I think I should submit this to Apple Customer Service and see what happens.)

Sorry for being away for awhile. My parents are in town so I feel justified in being lazy about my day to day musing. But I do want to quickly bring up a few amusing things:

1. Yesterday I was buzzed before 1PM with my parents. Thank you wine tasting! I also got to drink almond champagne mixed with chocolate dessert wine served in an edible chocolate cup. It was delish and I felt like Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory eating the dandelion cup. No umpa lumpa's were spotted - thank god.

2. I just read that the Iranian clergy claimed earthquakes were caused by promiscuous women. I just don't understand why some people of faith have to be completely insane and ignorant to any kind of science. Also, couldn't be just promiscuous people, no - just the women. Dammit whores, quit messing up the earth!

PS - I do believe you can believe in God and not be a complete a-hole. Just less likely to happen in 3rd world countries.

Today I discussed death and heaven with one of my co-workers. It wasn't anything serious. We both agree that once you die Death comes to visit and let's you know if you achieved awesome status in your life - like tickets you win at ski ball. If you rack up enough points you have the option to haunt someone....and also get a friendship bracelet.

Here are your Haunting Level Packages:

- Prankster: misplace objects (socks/keys), weird light in photos. (Next time you can't find something, think to yourself, who did I wrong that recently died?)

- Legit Haunting: ability to whisper, turn rooms cold, one time appearance but animals can see you (dogs bark)

- White Gold: all of the above PLUS ability to shake/move things, enter dreams, repeat appearances.

White Gold is more likely to achieve if you were a good person who was wronged and/or murdered.

If you were murdered there are bonus options such as:

Ultimate revenge: get to cause their death/plan punishment in hell
OR
Sick Karma on them: takes longer but more satisfying vs immediate gratification of haunting.

This whole thing comes with a stack of paperwork including instructions so that way people who are flaky and THINK they want to be a ghost will easily give up and just move on. Death is kinda like a lawyer in that way. Or the guy who talks really fast at the end of drug commercials listing off all the side effects.

We here in California had ourselves an Easter Earthquake, though I bet the people of Mexico thought it was more like el diablo rising out of the ground. EL DIABLO! They got a 7.2 but we only got a long lazy swaying that made you feel like you were drugged.

The best part about mild earthquakes out here is the news coverage afterward. To be clear, the news in Los Angeles is beyond a joke. It's basically info-tainment. Case in point, they showed pictures of streets cracked and stores all messy and at the top it read "SOURCE: Twitter." I mean, really?

So of course the news stations take phone calls but it's never people who were at the center of it because that takes more than 30 seconds to find. Instead you get some old lady telling everyone that her family keepsake Christmas oranments were ruined, and another person saying, "it felt like it was right under us."

My feelings can best be summed up by my cousin putting his hand to his forehead.

When buying a car, either used or new, DO NOT ever go in saying, "Hey, do you guys have the most annoying car alarm available? Kinda like a bunch of honking in morse code? Also can it please be super sensitive so it goes off at 1am? Also I'd like for it to be really difficult to turn off so all my neighbors can hear it. Oh, you DO have that? Great, I'll buy it!"

If you did say this, congratulations you are a moron. Specifically you're a moron who lives across the street from me.

Hey, neighbor!

I'm not a fan of late in life development, especially when it comes to allergies. Mine aren't that bad but I still want to complain. They are of equal annoyance to a paper cut. It's not gonna kill you but it def gets in the way. Sneezing fits are the worst. It sounds like my brain is trying to escape out my nose. It's also tragic if there aren't any tissues or napkins around me at the time because then I just get a hand full of goobers. It's not ideal when driving either because I mean, where are you going to wipe it? Half the time I keep my hand out of the way til I arrive at my destination. From there I problem solve. Basically I'm taking Purell with me this season.

I took some Clariton and got a little light headed yesterday. Almost fell asleep at my desk at one point. I couldn't help it. When I closed my eyes it felt like my brain was getting a nice big ol' hug. A Snuggie may or may not have been involved.

Yesterday I went on an adventure with my friend Susan who does marketing for a frozen yogurt company. Here's how this went down. Mid day she calls and asks if I want to go to all these stores and eat yogurt. It wasn't just because she's a suck up or trying to increase sales on her own, it's part of her job. So, twist my arm, I guess I'll go.

It was awesome but also kinda felt like my parents busted me smoking and forced me to smoke ALL the cigarettes to teach me a lesson. I loves me some fro-yo (as the kids say), but after sampling a million flavors and eating it every 30 mins or so, your stomach gets aReal mad at you. We ended up rotating who ate at what store because it's kind of not cool to go in and try all the samples without eating it. You see, each store has different flavor and they change on a daily basis. I will say that I basically lost my mind when there was a white chocolate macadamian nut option. Needless to say, at that store, I took one for the team.

Added bonus was going to a Costco nearby. I don't have a membership so I always sneak in with someone else. Let's just say I now have enough toilet paper to last at least 6 months, possibily longer. Buying in bulk is so useless when you are single so currently that store makes me feel like an ant. But one day if I'm rocking some kids and a minivan I won't think twice.

This is now old news but I have moved and in trying to update all my info with the proper channels I am not satisfied with the DMV or the Post Office. Shocker! You know, I love me the internet it makes our lives easier. To be honest, I barely remember what we did without Google Maps. I mean, calling someone on the phone and relying on THEM to tell you how to get to their house? It was like the Dark Ages.

Naturally I went to the online websites to achieve my goal of the address update. I already updated my bank account stuff. So it's really annoying when you input ALL your info on these sites and then it tells me to verify my info they'll use my bank stuff. I think, great this is almost done. NOPE. There was an error, info doesn't match. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills as I try over and over again.

Now I have to resort to filling out an ACTUAL form and MAILING IT. I think this is a conspiracy by the Post Office to justify their existence in our technology relying society. It's either that or someone stole my ID. I feel like Sandra Bullock in The Net.

First I would like to start by asking, is there anything sketchier than a flickering florescent light? Please avoid at all costs especially if considering a motel/hotel as you'll likely be murdered if you go inside.

Second, sorry for my absence as of late, but I'm glad to see that Obama was able to get some ish done while I was done. You know, I think most of the senate and house o' reps read my blog on the regular so when I didn't post anything they had to focus on this heath care business. They were like, "well she's not writing any hilarious little dittys so I suppose I'll do my job..." It's true that happened, I bugged the office Nixon style!

It's probably also my blogs fault that there is overpopulation, pollution, depedence on foreign oil, and Jar Jar Binks. What have I done? Eh, oh well, sorry World but I'mmo keep on trucking it. Take that Green Peace!

On a side note I was asked today by a Green Peacer if I had time to talk about the Rainforest today. I couldn't like to her so I said, "I do but not right now." Let's be honest, it won't be a talk it'll be a speech that would end up in me not giving them money and feeling guilty. But you know what, I try to do the best I can. And if you're gonna pull that, go somewhere else, don't preach to the choir at a Los Angeles Farmer's Market. I mean I biked there! Damn guilt trippin' treehugging hippies!

Last night around 4am or so I awoke to a little shakey shake of the bed. Lo and behold we had ourselves a little earthquake. However, I was so sleepy at the time it barely registered to me what happened. It was like having a weird dream and then forgetting about it when you wake up. Then the memory of it as triggered when my roommate asked if I felt it. And my brain thought, "oh ok, that DID happen. Good, we're not completely insane....yet."

This wasn't my first earthquake but it might have been the biggest I've felt in my 3 and half years out on the west coast. Earthquakes are weird things. It's nearly impossible to predict when they'll hit which is a fear that keeps many away from Los Angeles. And keep 'em out! It's too damn crowded here anyways. (Rant: the city is really terribly planned it's like no one realized that EVERYONE would want to live in a place with ideal weather).

Regardless, I don't have any type of emergency kit for myself. Just got my wits about me. Though there was a time when I'd analyze all the rooms I went into to figure out the best place to go if one hit. Instinctually I'd go up against objects like a bed or desk so if anything fell it could create a type of pocket. Might sound paranoid but I felt validated when a co-worker said that's what you're supposed to do. I'm like an emergency genius!

I also have faith in myself to figure it out as one time I basically MacGyvered my car back together on the way back from college. The exhaust pipe on the "good car" gave out about an hour into my 5 hour drive, dragging against the pavement in the middle of the car. So I found a bungie cord thing (technical name) to hold it up until it snapped off around New York City and then I wrapped the jumper cables around the OUTSIDE of the car. Ghetto fabulous. Needless to say I got home in one piece but wicked pissed shouting at my parents, "Thank God I'm smart!"

Daylight Savings has robbed me of my sleepy time! I will not stand for this. I shall protest by going to bed "earlier" tonight.

In other news I realized that if/when I become a really big deal and have lawyers and accountants that I'll incorporate myself, probs for tax reasons, and I will either call it:

1. Damn The Man, Inc.
2. Big Bad Corporation

Those are my faves right now, let me know if you have any other suggestions. However, immediate disqualification for anything using "Your Mom," as it's just too predictable and overused.