You know how I blame most of my excessive gas on being lactose intolerant? Yeah thats a lie. I think you're old enough now that I shoudl tell you the truth. Santa is real, the Easter Bunny does exist and he summers in Rhode Island. The tooth fairy, well thats a sham. But now the truth about my gas:

The truth!

Well, you see I like to steal people's happiness. So when I get my hands on their happiness, I eat it. It's delicious with roast beef. Anyway, it goes through my system and in the end I burp out people's angst. It's actually quite a beautiful process.

A clever ploy!

The other day I tripped a little bit on Kiehl's shoe that was near him as he sat in his chair by his desk. I fell towards him, then began to laugh as I always do once I've almost fallen. Other people saw it and laughed at me, however I quickly turned the blame on Kiehl telling him...."That was a clever ploy to try to get me fall into your arms." We all had a good laugh, but since then people have been using "clever ploy" like there is no tomorrow. People, I'm glad you enjoy such a phrase, but lets calm it down before I get it copyrighted and then you'll have to pay me a dollar everytime you use it. So if you use "clever ploy" please, use with caution.