Facebook needs to not be so accessible at work. It's counter productive.

I've been on "hiatus" now from my show for about a month but because I work for the executive producers I don't get time off. What I do get is an office and at times, like today, and entire floor to myself. I don't mind the quiet but I am WAY less productive when I don't have a million things to do. Somehow doing 15 things is better than only 2 things.

Yesterday my one boss handed me his water and power bill to mail. I pleasantly said, "yeah sure," and then threw it into the recycle bin right in front of him. We then mused that I did that every time he handed me things to do. I'd totally do it if I...

1. Didn't like him
2. Didn't like getting paid
3. Was that JetBlue flight attendant who didn't want to work no mo'

See you later, suckers. Fly United!

"And where did you go, young lady? Why haven't you been here to write hilarious little diddies for me to giggle at! Me get angry!"

That was my impression of you. Pretty good, right?

Sorry, my adoring public, for keeping you at bay. I was away losing my mind in Orlando, Florida at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Yeah you heard me. I went to Hogwarts.


Window shopped in Hogsmeade.


Drank me some frozen butterbeer. And it was delish.


If you aren't jealous yet, you should be. If you aren't a fan of Harry Potter, I'm not sure how we are friends.

I'll have more vacation tid bits for you soon. But first I want to share with you my favorites from the SkyMall that was in the seat. First of all, I flew Southwest and you REALLY take for granted the multimedia that every other airline uses now a days. We are so A.D.D. now it's ridiculous. A whole day of flying without being forced to watch a mediocre movie/reality tv shows? You expect me to read an actual book? That's just ridiculous. But when you do give in and read SkyMall the best part is, the actual copy of it tells you to take it, they have more. They actually encourage stealing.

Anyway here were a few jems I just couldn't resist documenting:

1. Face Trainer
"Your face. Naturally fit." You ladies may laugh but I know the inside scoop on Hollywood youth treatments and wrapping your face in an ace bandage is super advanced technology that works.

2. Zombies!
It's basically a fake zombie statue for your yard. Now, I know if I saw this late at night after a long day at work I'd probs get out my trusty shotgun and shoot it, believing the Zombie apocolypse had begun. Either that or yelp and throw my keys at it before running away.

3. Pet High Chair


I'm pretty sure he's eating some kind of dessert that is rightfully made for humans. Unacceptable.

It's taken me long enough but I'm finally posting again. And this one is pretty fun in a creepy way.

My friend Susan and I go for walks in the morning on Mon/Wed/Fri. There are many amusing things that happen and can be found. Thankfully Susan has a camera at the ready to capture some of these amusing things such as a wonderfully misspelled note from one neighbor to the other as shown below:
Now we usually walk around our quaint little Valley Village neighborhood full of adorable one story homes with decorate shrubbery. However, this morning we were walking our current favorite street and passed by a car. I noticed something in the driver's seat.

It was a guy, hunched over.

At first I thought I finally get to experience a Law & Order opening episode moment where I find a dead body. I mean, let's be honest with all the outdoor activities I do, it's bound to happen sooner or later. Especially on a hike. But alas, after staring for a second I realized he was still breathing. Susan refused to take a picture of it, ignoring my rationalization to document the scene. Damn her.

We then discussed exactly WHY this man would be in such a situation. Here is our list.

1. Got in a fight with the Misses/Girlfriend and she kicked him out.
2. Epileptic
3. Went to go to work early and fell sleep instead. Now he's late.
4. Too lazy to exit the car after getting home late, perhaps out with a mistress/drinking, parked the and wanted to finish listening to a song before going inside (i.e. - Bon Jovi "Living On A Prayer").
5. A sub-par police officer who fell sleep on his stakeout.

Needless to say we will never know. But my finely tuned, TV procedural detective skills tell me something is a foot since he was still in a T-shirt and based on the way he slouched forward, foul play could be involved. Because if you knew you were going to sleep in your car, you'd probs lower the seat and stretch out. Perhaps someone was murdered and he's being framed. Got cold cocked and left in the car, probs with his prints all over the murder weapon.

Either way, as Susan stated, anytime you are sleeping in your car, it's not great.

I recently went home for a quick visit. And I'm still amazed at my cat Lucky. She's about 17 years old now, went blind about 2 years ago, has lost weight, and is completely happy. She bumps her way around the house, purring. Here's just a sample:

OK I'd like to start off by saying this next rant makes me kind of a jerk and I'm sure by saying ANYTHING Karma will set me in her gaze but here it goes...

I just read this article about a guy who underwent the world's first face transplant. First of all, it's nothing like "Face Off" meaning if this is really the best we can do in 2010, maybe we shouldn't be doing face transplants at all. Please observe:



Immediately I wanted to know WHY this guy, Oscar, needed a new face. It turns out he accidentally shot his off 5 years ago. Upon hearing this my co-worker Vivian asked, "How much of his face did he shoot off?" To which she then answered herself, "...looks like the whole thing." But we continued to ask questions like, "Why can't he close his mouth?" and "Was this the only face available because it doesn't look like it fits."

I don't know what he looked like before, but if he went 5 years without a face, maybe it was better. There was a movie about that too. And how topical that "The Man Without A Face" starred Mel Gibson. Seriously, what happened there? He just straight up lost his mind.

And so it continues...
(A thank you to my cousin Patrick for the lead. Hopefully this time you won't leave a sassy comment demanding credit. Jerk.)


The Long Island bank robber who disguised himself as Darth Vader wasn't afraid to use force. Witnesses tell Newsday that when Vader entered the Chase bank in Setauket, everyone thought it was just a gag. A muscular customer at the counter jokingly tried to put his arms around Vader, at which point the 6'2" former Jedi threw him to the ground, pointed the gun at him and said, "I'll shoot you in the face. This isn't a joke." And for the first time in history, a grown man in a Star Wars costume successfully stopped people from laughing at him.

Turning back to the counter, Vader demanded cash from the teller. But as he waited for the hand-off, another woman entered the bank. Sensing a disturbance in the Force, he swung around and pointed his gun at her, declaring, "Not today, lady. Find a different bank." Grabbing the cash, he took off running east, knocking over a bagel shop customer who was as clumsy as he was stupid.

An Air Force veteran inside the bagel store who saw Vader run by tells Newsday he thinks the thief has military training, observing, "He knows what he's doing with the gun. He wasn't holding it like a cowboy." Suffolk county police have made no arrests, but they have dispatched one of their best rookies to the Dagobah system to dig up leads.

MY COMMENT: Well of course he wasn't holding the gun "like a cowboy." Hello, he's a Sith. There aren't any cowboys in space, unless you are Han Solo. Also I'd like to go on record to say that I'll be super bummed if this turns out to not be real.

I apologize as THIS should have been my last post to keep with the Star Wars theme. Big shout out to my home of Long Island for this story. And I quote from Newsday:

It seems the Empire has fallen on hard times. Presumably to get finishing funds for his latest Death Star, Darth Vader—or a man pretending to be Darth Vader?—was reduced to robbing a bank on Long Island this morning. Impotent Rebel Alliance security forces tell Newsday (paywall) that Vader marched into a Chase bank in Setauket around 11:30 a.m. today. Brandishing a completely unnecessary handgun—as he had the power to choke the oxygen out every teller's throat—the fallen Jedi demanded cash.

It's unclear whether he also found their lack of faith disturbing, but one Rebel policeman says, "The teller complied with the robber's demands and gave him money from the drawer." Vader is described as 6 feet, 2 inches tall, also wearing camouflage pants, and was last seen boarding a starfighter headed in the direction of Long Island's sinister Sith stronghold, in Valley Stream. (Isn't this also where Improv Everywhere has their headquarters?) Below, a surveillance photo from the teller's point of view:

I'm not sure if I LOVE the fact that this happened or the article itself with all its Star Wars references.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but I believe I've already done a rant or two about how annoyed I get when I see people younger than me being super successful - i.e. athletes or actually talented actors/musicians. Especially when it comes to the Olympics and they are like 14 and winning gold metals. Don't get me wrong, I'm also impressed and inspired, but then feel like a chump.

But every so often there comes one of these youngins in the limelight that makes me feel really good about myself. Currently, Lindsay Lohan is that person.

Sorry for the delay. I have been quite busy the past few weeks and also just got over some mini flu like thing that mostly made me feel uncomfortable and forced me into a diet of crackers/dry cereal. As someone who LOVES food, it was very tragic for me as everyday felt like a waste of a good meal. But alas, I am back!

I'll keep this post short and sweet. I discovered this little gem today. It seems someone managed to improve something that was already pretty awesome...

Um, yes please.

I'm not sure what I love more about this Octopus who predicts the World Cup winners: the fact that his name is Paul, or that he's been right every time, or that someone decided to ask an octopus what he thought, or that the news found out about it and now it's "a thing."

The next time someone bothers you enough that it makes you want to exclaim "shut your pie hole!" Please consider using this new very elaborate version...

I want you to go to the ATM, preferably one from your own bank so you don't get a fee. Then head over to House of Pies and buy a slice of pie with your cash as it's a "cash only" family establishment. Get the pie to go. Drive carefully back to your place of residence so the pie doesn't get ruined. Unwrap the pie, place it on a plate and grab a fork or spoon depending on what you picked up. For example, I'd use a spoon if it was a banana creme pie, but probs a fork for butter pecan (it really is all about texture). Take a big ol' bite and place the deliciousness into your pie hole (aka mouth). Now close your pie hole - this should be difficult since the piece you took was so big. Then choke on the pie.

Now I know it's a very involved insult and not to mention - mean. So please only use sparingly for those who hold a special angry little place in your heart.

I like to play this game at work where you attach a celebrity's last name onto a vague first name. Now I know that sounds confusing so let me elaborate. My boss says, "Hey, Colleen can you get me John on the phone?"

Then I reply only loud enough for my co-worker Vivian to hear, "John Travolta?" She replies, "John Stamos?" I giggle. She wins.

It happens at any time so we are basically always in play. There is no limit to the amount of suggestions you can make or the number of people who can play. It's kind of awesome because there are times when you are caught off guard. Like today when I dialed someone for my boss and then to tell him this person was on the line I yelled out, "Keith!" To which Vivian quickly added, "Keith Olbermann?!" I wasn't expecting it and definitely cracked right away.

Additionally, a "Molly" was thrown out today and I added on both Molly Shannon and Molly Ringwald. This then spawned a conversation about how she looks kind of weird now. Our intern asked if there was something wrong with her. Vivian, continuing her day of zingers, replied quite matter of fact, "No, she just got fat."

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you. Last weekend while waiting in line for brunch at The Griddle Cafe where they serve the largest pancakes known to man - this happened.



*NOTE: Jasmine is not her real name, neither is Johnna. Why lie? Well I suppose they thought that despite his rap lyric claiming otherwise, he was a dirty old man.

PS - How much do you like the Mad Hatter hat? And yes, I did show him some love with a little help from my friend George Washington.

It's been awhile since I watched Fox's completely over produced reality show, Hell's Kitchen. Back in the day my cousin Pat and I used to watch and laugh, but let's be honest we also kind of wanted to see who won. I think Gordon Ramsey is entertaining but America has branded him in such a comedic way in comparison to his BBC shows - which allow him to act like a normal human being. Don't get me wrong, there is still plenty of yelling, but in NO WAY does the BBC allow for such opening credit shenanigans as can currently be found on this season of Hell's Kitchen.

If you haven't seen it. Do yourself a favor and watch it. The mugging is just out of control, especially when one contestant is surfing a computer animated wave of fire on a large cutting knife. Need I say more?

It's official. I'm now a hippie Californian.

Last night I rode my bike down to the Whole Foods and picked up Hemp Butter. (It's like Almond Butter, but vegan.)

I know, I'd roll my eyes too...

Just wanted to say I witnessed David Hasselhoff (AKA "The Hoff") in the flesh today. Gotta say, he wasn't nearly as bloated looking as I was expecting. He was no Baywatch, but still...good for him!

Cue theme music...

"Some people stand in the darkness,
afraid to step into the light!"

Tonight I was trying to go to sleep when this wonderful smell of a warmed dessert involving some kind of Oreo treat wafted through my window and into my nose.

First of all, it was really late so that's going RIGHT to your thighs. Second, it happened at least twice and I doubt sharing was involved. Third, Oreos are one of my fave cookies so -

IT. WAS. TORTUOUS.

Yesterday I was having dinner with a friend and we were discussing dreams. Them things are crazy! I shared a few of mine that featured celebrities and then started to wonder...

Many of us have had some kid of celebrity dream in our lifetime, a few of mine have featured Meryl Streep and Marishka Hargitay (both the actress and the TV character Olivia Benson - I believe it was prompted by a Law & Order: SVU marathon). And yet I wonder, did they dream of me? Do celebrities have dreams of us common folk?

My old boss was friends with Marishka and I always wondered if she came to visit him and we locked eyes, if she'd know me somehow and then we'd obvs become best friends. I mean, that makes sense right? I'm sure it wouldn't be weird if I told her about my dream. I wouldn't sound crazy AT ALL.

Yesterday I got two, count 'em TWO (1+1) bloody noses. If you were to tally how many I have had in my lifetime it would be maybe 10. What gives? And I'll have you know, neither were prompted by getting punched in the face.

Immediately I want to say that it's the dry air or allergies - which I developed later in life - THANKS! But the nose bleeds oddly resemble what happened to one of my all time favorite TV characters from my all time fave show... Say it with me: The X Files. For those who didn't know already - I'm sure you are SHOCKED by this news. It's SO unlike me to be a giant sci-fi nerd. Weird.

I'm about to nerd out on you for a sec - please indulge me...

You see Agent Dana Scully was "abducted" in the second season and then in the third season she finds this chip in her neck. When she takes it out she starts to get sick with the cancer. She gets a tumor all up in her nasal passage and brain. She finds this out when she starts getting nose bleeds - GASP!

Now I haven't watched the show in awhile (I own all the seasons on DVD - another shock) but could it be my love for the visual majesty of this beloved Fox program has created a nexus with the characters that I am starting to share some of their fiction experiences? Perhaps Agent Scully and I are now connected a la E.T.. ("Elliott!")

Anyone have Mulder's digits on hand? I gotta make a call. And if the Cigarette Smoking Man comes to visit you, deny everything.

My favorite part of the day is right before I eat, and then once I'm done, it's the saddest part of the day because I have to wait at least 2 hours to eat again. So you can image how exciting it was for me to go wine tasting where they allow you to bring your own food and the 15 plus people in our party brought stuff. For awhile I was really good and ate fruits and veggies as well as assorted cheeses which were delish. But all the while I had my eye on some cupcakes that were visible through their tupperware containers.

Cut to them being broken out. To be honest the first one was semi-peer pressure. My friend had baked them and I was told there was a small chocolate chip cookie inside. It was then I was shown a new way to enjoy the cupcake. You take the bottom part off and place it on the top, making a kind of cupcake sandwich that helps contain the frosting. The person who showed me this move was a pro who confessed she ate a cupcake a week.

So that happened. Then about a half hour later more cupcakes were busted out. I was intrigued by the yellow cake cupcake with vanilla frosting and sugar sprinkles. I was halfway through it when it was brought to my attention that there were peanut butter cupcakes. As a lover of all things peanut butter I couldn't NOT eat one.

So that happened. I was amazed I ate 2 whole cupcakes since I don't really consider myself a big cupcake person. Though I do consider myself a dessert person.

SIDE NOTE: I basically don't trust anyone who doesn't like dessert. I mean, seriously? What's wrong with you? Are you a robot?! It's just not human I tell you.

Anyways, I realized there was still half an eaten cupcake and couldn't bare to see it thrown away. So yes, today I ate 3 cupcakes. But I'd like to think of it as insurance that I work out...

I recently got into a discussion in the "Would You Rather..." realm, which is always a good time. The full question was:

Would you rather look like a less attractive version of a celebrity known for being "hot" or a hot version of a mediocre looking celebrity? (For example, a less hot version of Brad Pitt or a hot version of Steve Buscemi.)

Most people picked the hotter version of someone, mostly because when someone tells you that it sounds better to your ego. I doubt anyone would be so blunt to say you are the ugly version of someone. Personally I'd go with the phrase, "you kind of look like Brad Pitt, but not."

Of course I'd prefer to be called the hotter version of someone, though I have been told I kind of look like Natalie Portman and/or Keira Knightley - hey, wait a sec!

I wanted to tell people a few things I find really annoying:

1. Hot girls on TV complaining that it's SUPER hard to meet guys. Yeah, OK.

2. Actors who get Knighted and then make people call them Sir...whatever. Example: Sir Ben Kingsley. Um, sorry but you are aware you only PLAYED Gandhi, you didn't actually do any of those things in real life.

3. People who have super specific phobias which are ridiculous like fear of jewelry. I'm sure it's very real and scary for them, but I mean, really?! There are too many people milling around when those kinds of phobias start happening AND get showcased on The Tyra Banks Show.

4. Tyra Banks.

Yesterday I was collecting my loose change, though if it's not a quarter I don't really know what to do with it. Of course I find a few pennies and as I spot the copper I think, "Can I just throw it out?" But it's money! So instead I decide to fool myself into collecting it with the false hope I would one day take them to the bank and get useful things like dollars or quarters.

As I collected a few pennies I noticed one was shinier than the rest. Upon closer inspection it didn't look like a penny as the back of it was some new kind of symbol. Naturally I thought it was foreign money and yet, it was in English. Wha???

It appears we got ourselves a new penny design that NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT. I remember talk about getting rid of the penny but instead it's now new and slightly lighter in weight. OR perhaps someone created a fake penny and snuck it in my bag to spy on me. It's probs a government plot to assassinate me. I'm not sure if you are aware but I'm kind of a big deal.

So for your viewing pleasure please enjoy this Captain America themed new penny back:

One of my co-workers has a date tonight. Naturally we wanted to hear all the deets about where they met this person and it turns out it was from speed dating. So once he left, I said, I hope he doesn't get murdered because let's be honest, you never know. Side note: I'd be genuinely bummed if he was.

Now I'm not saying that I WANT to be murdered but...(and I know this is a great way to start a rant)

IF I was murdered I'd hate for it to be a mundane one where I was just like shot for my wallet (ha, jokes on you!), or mistaken ID for someone they wanted to kill, or mugging gone wrong. We are so used to hearing those stories on the news it doesn't really stand out and it'd be really annoying to me. But if it was some elaborate or really messed up murder that then gets ripped from the headlines as a Law and Order: SVU episode plot, I'd be ok with it. I'm sure at the time it would suck but at least then I died so Marishka Hargitay could win another Emmy. You know what I'm saying?

The other day at work I was told there was a spider found in the kitchen that was so large you could see the many eyes and he was found rustling around in the granola bars container.

Um, ew.

I can't really tolerate the existence of spiders in general. If it's under an inch I can usually handle apologizing to it before squishing it to death with a double layered tissue. But this one, I've been told was about 3 inches. Now I consider myself a pretty strong woman and I'm glad I wasn't the one who found said spider because I'd probs freak the F out upon finding it. Especially in the kitchen. That's like, my favorite place at work.

Needless to say I won't be eating granola bars any time soon.

I attempted to watch Robin Hood over the weekend. I have to say that if I was a movie critic I would keep my reviews short and sweet. Robert and Ebert had it right. Thumbs up or down and you are done. Well, my reviews would be the simple elementary school check system so the whole family would know. Please see below:

Robin Hood: check minus

And just since I know you are all DYING to know the details of my life...
Addendum: I almost fell asleep twice before leaving. Also isn't Robin Hood supposed to NOT be 50 years old. I mean, really. C'mon now.

The past few weeks I've been busy at work and I haven't stayed on top of blogging or even better the news. I have to say I'm much happier without the news. I no longer get annoyed or frustrated by human beings and their endless shenanigans.

But I recently jumped back on the bandwagon and here are my highlights:

1. Giant Oil Spill - are we really going to try to clog it up with more crap? The Coast Guard wants to use shredded tires and golf balls. I feel like I should be working for SNL and write a "Really?!" segment. You are the Coast Guard, not a 5 year old child playing in the sink!

2. Another republican pretending he's not gay - oh no, this young male companion is just carrying my luggage...nothing suspicious happening here except you know, hypocrisy. I don't understand how people could even start to believe anything he's saying. Is your brain broken?

I really can't handle it anymore. I don't really think of myself as a pessimist but if I were God I'd shut this crazy ride down. Find the undo key. It's just more proof in my mind that it's all over in 2 years. Enjoy it everyone! I know I'm going to try to eat more ice-cream sandwiches, especially on Fridays because we all know calories eaten on Fridays don't count.

All I know is, God Bless Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. Without them I'd surely destroy my tv.

Yesterday it was really windy and it made me think of the phrase, it's "as useful as a fart in a wind storm."

Naturally I have a few issues. One being when is a fart useful in general?

Answer: I suppose to create an awkward situation between two strangers/co-workers. Also useful to clear a room - it has worked for both my dog and dad in the past.

Perhaps we're just using the phrase incorrectly and it should be "as undetectable as a fart in a windstorm." I mean, let's be honest, if you fart into the breeze, no one really knows but you and mother nature, who I'm sure isn't thrilled about it.

The other day whilst at work one of my co-workers was saying she didn't feel well. Being the self proclaimed hypochondriac that she is, she diagnosed herself as having possible meningitis. She claimed she felt sleepy and her neck was hurting. So I told her she was probably just turning into a vampire. I must add that we were outside at the time and she was complaining how bright it was.

I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Meanwhile when I asked what exactly meningitis was my other co-worker said, "I just think it's puffy. Something with your nerves is happening and you're puffy." After a WebMD search she concluded, "Ok, so everything I told you was probably wrong."

Thank God we would only write dialogue for doctors instead of actually being doctors.

So there appears to be this disease/disorder called Williams Syndrome. It's super rare but it biologically renders the person incapable of not trusting others. I'm not making this up.

http://www.scpr.org/news/2010/04/25/a-life-without-fear/

For the record I'd like to say that if/when I become a parent, this would be my worst nightmare because it would severely handicap my ability to talk to my own child since anyone who knows me is aware that half of what I say is sarcasm.

Dear Steve Jobs,

Though you have dazzled the tech hispters time and time again, I have a proposition for you. It's only a matter of time before people will want Apple products to be fused into their bodies but we're a long way from having an iPod inserted into our brains, the science just isn't there yet and it's kind of vain. But we definitely have the capabilities to enhance people's lives and appearance with the iPhone like touchscreens and images.

Mr. Jobs, imagine that you are walking through the park and trip over some of that pesky mother nature (rocks, tree roots, and the like), you fall and hit your face and oops your eye pops out. Either that or maybe a ninja plucks it out a la Kill Bill Vol. 2, whatevs.

Now you don't have an eye! That sucks. But you do have Apple technology and the ability to name things using "i" instead of "eye." Do you see where I'm going here?

May I present, the "iPatch." Think of the possibilities! You can choose your eye color, the ability to stare, wink, blink, etc. The eye can interact with others, following them around. Now I want to be clear, let's not make this an eye that can go into your socket, we're still going to rock the string because too many people enjoy pretending they are pirates.

I will kindly take my percentage to be paid out in a giant pool filled with money and you should give it to me because let's be honest, you're a billionaire a few times over. Don't get greedy.

Best,
C$

(I think I should submit this to Apple Customer Service and see what happens.)

Sorry for being away for awhile. My parents are in town so I feel justified in being lazy about my day to day musing. But I do want to quickly bring up a few amusing things:

1. Yesterday I was buzzed before 1PM with my parents. Thank you wine tasting! I also got to drink almond champagne mixed with chocolate dessert wine served in an edible chocolate cup. It was delish and I felt like Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory eating the dandelion cup. No umpa lumpa's were spotted - thank god.

2. I just read that the Iranian clergy claimed earthquakes were caused by promiscuous women. I just don't understand why some people of faith have to be completely insane and ignorant to any kind of science. Also, couldn't be just promiscuous people, no - just the women. Dammit whores, quit messing up the earth!

PS - I do believe you can believe in God and not be a complete a-hole. Just less likely to happen in 3rd world countries.

Today I discussed death and heaven with one of my co-workers. It wasn't anything serious. We both agree that once you die Death comes to visit and let's you know if you achieved awesome status in your life - like tickets you win at ski ball. If you rack up enough points you have the option to haunt someone....and also get a friendship bracelet.

Here are your Haunting Level Packages:

- Prankster: misplace objects (socks/keys), weird light in photos. (Next time you can't find something, think to yourself, who did I wrong that recently died?)

- Legit Haunting: ability to whisper, turn rooms cold, one time appearance but animals can see you (dogs bark)

- White Gold: all of the above PLUS ability to shake/move things, enter dreams, repeat appearances.

White Gold is more likely to achieve if you were a good person who was wronged and/or murdered.

If you were murdered there are bonus options such as:

Ultimate revenge: get to cause their death/plan punishment in hell
OR
Sick Karma on them: takes longer but more satisfying vs immediate gratification of haunting.

This whole thing comes with a stack of paperwork including instructions so that way people who are flaky and THINK they want to be a ghost will easily give up and just move on. Death is kinda like a lawyer in that way. Or the guy who talks really fast at the end of drug commercials listing off all the side effects.

We here in California had ourselves an Easter Earthquake, though I bet the people of Mexico thought it was more like el diablo rising out of the ground. EL DIABLO! They got a 7.2 but we only got a long lazy swaying that made you feel like you were drugged.

The best part about mild earthquakes out here is the news coverage afterward. To be clear, the news in Los Angeles is beyond a joke. It's basically info-tainment. Case in point, they showed pictures of streets cracked and stores all messy and at the top it read "SOURCE: Twitter." I mean, really?

So of course the news stations take phone calls but it's never people who were at the center of it because that takes more than 30 seconds to find. Instead you get some old lady telling everyone that her family keepsake Christmas oranments were ruined, and another person saying, "it felt like it was right under us."

My feelings can best be summed up by my cousin putting his hand to his forehead.

When buying a car, either used or new, DO NOT ever go in saying, "Hey, do you guys have the most annoying car alarm available? Kinda like a bunch of honking in morse code? Also can it please be super sensitive so it goes off at 1am? Also I'd like for it to be really difficult to turn off so all my neighbors can hear it. Oh, you DO have that? Great, I'll buy it!"

If you did say this, congratulations you are a moron. Specifically you're a moron who lives across the street from me.

Hey, neighbor!

I'm not a fan of late in life development, especially when it comes to allergies. Mine aren't that bad but I still want to complain. They are of equal annoyance to a paper cut. It's not gonna kill you but it def gets in the way. Sneezing fits are the worst. It sounds like my brain is trying to escape out my nose. It's also tragic if there aren't any tissues or napkins around me at the time because then I just get a hand full of goobers. It's not ideal when driving either because I mean, where are you going to wipe it? Half the time I keep my hand out of the way til I arrive at my destination. From there I problem solve. Basically I'm taking Purell with me this season.

I took some Clariton and got a little light headed yesterday. Almost fell asleep at my desk at one point. I couldn't help it. When I closed my eyes it felt like my brain was getting a nice big ol' hug. A Snuggie may or may not have been involved.

Yesterday I went on an adventure with my friend Susan who does marketing for a frozen yogurt company. Here's how this went down. Mid day she calls and asks if I want to go to all these stores and eat yogurt. It wasn't just because she's a suck up or trying to increase sales on her own, it's part of her job. So, twist my arm, I guess I'll go.

It was awesome but also kinda felt like my parents busted me smoking and forced me to smoke ALL the cigarettes to teach me a lesson. I loves me some fro-yo (as the kids say), but after sampling a million flavors and eating it every 30 mins or so, your stomach gets aReal mad at you. We ended up rotating who ate at what store because it's kind of not cool to go in and try all the samples without eating it. You see, each store has different flavor and they change on a daily basis. I will say that I basically lost my mind when there was a white chocolate macadamian nut option. Needless to say, at that store, I took one for the team.

Added bonus was going to a Costco nearby. I don't have a membership so I always sneak in with someone else. Let's just say I now have enough toilet paper to last at least 6 months, possibily longer. Buying in bulk is so useless when you are single so currently that store makes me feel like an ant. But one day if I'm rocking some kids and a minivan I won't think twice.

This is now old news but I have moved and in trying to update all my info with the proper channels I am not satisfied with the DMV or the Post Office. Shocker! You know, I love me the internet it makes our lives easier. To be honest, I barely remember what we did without Google Maps. I mean, calling someone on the phone and relying on THEM to tell you how to get to their house? It was like the Dark Ages.

Naturally I went to the online websites to achieve my goal of the address update. I already updated my bank account stuff. So it's really annoying when you input ALL your info on these sites and then it tells me to verify my info they'll use my bank stuff. I think, great this is almost done. NOPE. There was an error, info doesn't match. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills as I try over and over again.

Now I have to resort to filling out an ACTUAL form and MAILING IT. I think this is a conspiracy by the Post Office to justify their existence in our technology relying society. It's either that or someone stole my ID. I feel like Sandra Bullock in The Net.

First I would like to start by asking, is there anything sketchier than a flickering florescent light? Please avoid at all costs especially if considering a motel/hotel as you'll likely be murdered if you go inside.

Second, sorry for my absence as of late, but I'm glad to see that Obama was able to get some ish done while I was done. You know, I think most of the senate and house o' reps read my blog on the regular so when I didn't post anything they had to focus on this heath care business. They were like, "well she's not writing any hilarious little dittys so I suppose I'll do my job..." It's true that happened, I bugged the office Nixon style!

It's probably also my blogs fault that there is overpopulation, pollution, depedence on foreign oil, and Jar Jar Binks. What have I done? Eh, oh well, sorry World but I'mmo keep on trucking it. Take that Green Peace!

On a side note I was asked today by a Green Peacer if I had time to talk about the Rainforest today. I couldn't like to her so I said, "I do but not right now." Let's be honest, it won't be a talk it'll be a speech that would end up in me not giving them money and feeling guilty. But you know what, I try to do the best I can. And if you're gonna pull that, go somewhere else, don't preach to the choir at a Los Angeles Farmer's Market. I mean I biked there! Damn guilt trippin' treehugging hippies!

Last night around 4am or so I awoke to a little shakey shake of the bed. Lo and behold we had ourselves a little earthquake. However, I was so sleepy at the time it barely registered to me what happened. It was like having a weird dream and then forgetting about it when you wake up. Then the memory of it as triggered when my roommate asked if I felt it. And my brain thought, "oh ok, that DID happen. Good, we're not completely insane....yet."

This wasn't my first earthquake but it might have been the biggest I've felt in my 3 and half years out on the west coast. Earthquakes are weird things. It's nearly impossible to predict when they'll hit which is a fear that keeps many away from Los Angeles. And keep 'em out! It's too damn crowded here anyways. (Rant: the city is really terribly planned it's like no one realized that EVERYONE would want to live in a place with ideal weather).

Regardless, I don't have any type of emergency kit for myself. Just got my wits about me. Though there was a time when I'd analyze all the rooms I went into to figure out the best place to go if one hit. Instinctually I'd go up against objects like a bed or desk so if anything fell it could create a type of pocket. Might sound paranoid but I felt validated when a co-worker said that's what you're supposed to do. I'm like an emergency genius!

I also have faith in myself to figure it out as one time I basically MacGyvered my car back together on the way back from college. The exhaust pipe on the "good car" gave out about an hour into my 5 hour drive, dragging against the pavement in the middle of the car. So I found a bungie cord thing (technical name) to hold it up until it snapped off around New York City and then I wrapped the jumper cables around the OUTSIDE of the car. Ghetto fabulous. Needless to say I got home in one piece but wicked pissed shouting at my parents, "Thank God I'm smart!"

Daylight Savings has robbed me of my sleepy time! I will not stand for this. I shall protest by going to bed "earlier" tonight.

In other news I realized that if/when I become a really big deal and have lawyers and accountants that I'll incorporate myself, probs for tax reasons, and I will either call it:

1. Damn The Man, Inc.
2. Big Bad Corporation

Those are my faves right now, let me know if you have any other suggestions. However, immediate disqualification for anything using "Your Mom," as it's just too predictable and overused.

Attention people of Earth! It is REALLY important that you watch this clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFicqklGuB0

I would have provided the link directly on the page except it's too big so now I'm making you work for it. That's right! It may be Friday but that doesn't mean you can get everything your heart desires at a click of the mouse.

However I'd like to say that on most Fridays I feel completely justified in not working out, having a big dinner that makes me feel full to the point of regret, and then going the extra distance with dessert. It's almost like all the additional calories don't count because hey, it's Friday. I EARNED IT.

Now that I'm driving 50 miles a day I realize how much I hate LA drivers. This is nothing new but it's just more apparent to me now. Basically no one should be driving except me and a select group of friends and co-workers. I basically need to run for office to be Queen of the Universe. I'd be an awesome dictator.

Mandatory watching of GOOD tv, see you later dumb reality shows (aka The Hills). Forced midday work naps. Execute Paris Hilton, this character named Snookie, Ryan Seacrest, and Glenn Beck. Re-instate Conan O'Brien. Free chipwich Fridays (ice cream sandwiched between two cookies of your choosing). Disband the Democrates and Republicans and form a new gov't called Awesometown, where we aim to keep it real. Demand flying energy efficient cars, DeLorean or no. Outlaw autotuning of songs. Discontinue air sealed plastic wrapping of products. And have a redo of the Seinfeld finale. I mean, jail? Really? Also while we're on the subject, Lost would need to prove they aren't going to piss me off when they wrap up and I won't allow the season to end until there is a satisfying ending. So get your ish together!

And that's just for my first month! Image what I can do for a few years or at least til I'm bored and don't want to do it anymore. My contract will have a golden parachute clause. I'm kinda fickle; please see above.

As someone who works in Hollywood or H-wood, many would be SHOCKED to hear I didn't see any of the Oscars from last night. But you know what? I'm glad I didn't spend 3 hours of my life watching it. It's much easier to wait til it's over and watch the highlights and read the winners. However I did experience something that only those of us in the H-wood area could witness.

Yesterday I was moving the last of my stuff from my old apartment with a friend of mine. We had to drive through the area and there were a bunch of people standing around on the corner. My friend commented how annoying the protesters are each year and looked to see what it was this year they were complaining about.

One man was in his mid-30s and had two signs. One said: FAG OSCARS. The other said: GOD HATES FAGS. Now the hatred I understand the racist logic in but what exactly does Fag Oscars mean? The Oscars are full of fags or are you suggesting they start the very first Annual Fag Oscars next year? Because that could happen. Also, way to be a 15 year old bully from gym class.

Then not too far from Mr. Hater was a 30s ish woman with two signs as well. One read: GOD HATES JEWS. Which OK, Jesus was a Jew so what the hell are you talking about? Did you get out of a time machine from the 40s because that's some oldschool WWII hatin'. Then the other said: NO PEACE FOR THE WICKED. The whole thing seemed like faulty logic, probably because it's also CRAZY logic. But you are basically implying that you believe in peace and yet you are selective of who gets this peace; clearly the gays and the jews aren't a part of it because they ruin EVERYTHING!

White people are crazy.

Usually I'm not a fan of running for no reason, hence I've always enjoyed sports. Yet since it's been raining every weekend I haven't been able to play soccer on my weekend league. California needs to get it's act together. This is just unacceptable.

So I have been forcing myself to enjoy running and turns out when you get a better tolerance for it, it's quite enjoyable. Since I just moved to a new area I've been jogging around to check out what's around. You know restaurants, coffee shops, drug dealers. The usual.

The runs always start off a little tough because my body fights it, and thinks it's a bad idea. It makes me think about other things I could be doing like watching tv or eating. But I power though thanks to some mad phat beats, as the kids say. (Translation: music). Then I get into a rhythm and feel really good. Suddenly I hit my goal distance wise but feel good and keep going.

Well last night I thought I'll just check out part of this one street, then make my way back up and loop back to my apartment. I get to the checkpoint street and it's closed. So I ran like another 2 miles. But I did it! And found where the famous Henry's Taco's is. I plan to eat some of those in the not too distant future.

Speaking of food I needs to eat dinner. But I have to confess, if I only had to eat cereal for the rest of my life I would be OK with that. The end.

I watched The Bachelor last night. Now I'd like to have the record show that I am not a regular of such reality shows. I'm WAY too snobby about TV to get sucked in but some friends were going to watch the finale and snacks were involved so I didn't want to be rude...

One girl was the clear favorite. Perhaps you've seen in the media already. But to me she was like a mix of a Disney character and a robot who was always happy and talked in a Minnie Mouse like voice. She was, of course, super hot.

The other girl was kinda like, I guess, the trashy whore. She didn't get along with many of the other women on the show because she "kept it real." Naturally I was rooting for her. Turns out dreams really can come true because he picked her, much to the dismay of all the other girls I watched it with.

I find it all very amusing that we get so invested in these reality show relationships like we know them. How can you really find love on an over produced TV show? Are you still going to love each other when you aren't on a remote island or going to restaurants via helicopter? Just sayin'.

But I think the BEST part was that they titled this season "On The Wings Of Love" based on the song of same title. Of course we sang that line whenever possible. And at the end of the whole thing, when the heartbreak was done, and the proposal was made, they had a follow up half hour all about what we JUST saw. And there was a surprise for the happy couple.

Wait for it...

These lovebirds got to slow dance in front of a studio audience as Jeffrey Osborne sang "On The Wings of Love." It was awkwardly amazing, lame lighting effects n all. Overall a true sight to behold.

Today I took a stroll over to a friend's apartment after work. As I got acquainted with the new neighborhood I noticed a man walking brisky nearby. We both arrived at an intersection around the same time. The light was about to change so I decided to wait but he decided to go for it. He was a little husky so I was surprised how fast he made it across. I wondered where he was going in such a hurry. Perhaps a run to CVS or grocery store for milk.

The light changed. I crossed and being the fast walker I am, caught up with him. We approached a Wienerschnitzel and I noticed he put his hand to his back pocket as if to check his wallet. Yep, it's there. He did a little twinkle toes move of excitement and I thought, "Don't tell me he's THAT excited for a semi-sketchy hot dog." Turns out he was.

What happens to you when that is the highlight of your day? Ice-cream I can understand but Weinerschnitzel. It just sounds ridiculous.

I can't beleaf it's Thursday already. However, I CAN beleaf it's not butter.

Today I'm going to some snazzy Sushi place for dinner with my brother. I've heard only great things about it so I got some high hopes and will make sure to eat my face off. Literally, my face will fall off from all the food consumed. Then I'll have to do EXTREME surgery to get it back all. It'll never be the same.

Sorry for my delay. I have been quite busy as of late with a new trabajo, mi hermano in town, and having to move to a new apartamento. I might have made up that last word. The others you can look up. Spanglish is fun!

I'm currently driving like a bajillion miles a day in my car since I got the new digs. This is common for most in the LA area, except I rode my bike ALL the time previously. So now in order to feel semi active, I try to flex my stomach and tap my legs to the mad phat beats of my mix CDs but I don't think that is enough to burn off the calories of a cupcake. So tragic.

It has been decided amongst friends last night that there MUST be a puppy channel. Full of adorable puppies doing such things as:

Running (through snow/fields/beach)
Being afraid to jump off the couch
Barking for a treat
Sleeping with other puppies
Looking back and forth at a toy off screen
Wearing puppy sweaters
Staring at a TV with a kitty on it

Segway into Kitty Channel, coming this Fall!

We feel it can be much like the yule log that runs during the Christmas season. It's just on as a default channel. Either that or it can run at night against informercials and to make money we can scroll ads/logos along the bottom. Most likely it'll be sponsored by Petco. Eventually it can be a whole network full of baby animals. Including giraffes trying to get their legs under them for the first time. There will be zanky elevator type music, you know, the stuff you hear on America's Funniest Videos. Perhaps we can even get Bob Saget to host....?

This is a gem sweater of a concept. Don't steal my idea, people of the internets, or I'll be aReal annoyed.

I saw this Old Spice commercial the other day and was so amused by it I watched it again. In case you haven't seen it, I think you should.



Now you can impress all your co-workers at the water cooler with your know how of current pop culture events. How hip are you?

Let's talk about the Olympics for a second. Have you guys seen the "sport" where people cross country ski and then shoot stuff? I watched it on the TVs over the weekend, thoroughly confused. How is this an OLYMPIC event?

My aunt claimed it was something people in the Netherlands (or whatever) did years ago as a lifestyle; ski around and kill some animals to bring back to the fam. OK, I get the tradition but we don't hunt for food anymore. Currently they shoot at these targets.

Suggested improvement: dress people up as animals and shoot them with a paintball gun while on snow mobiles.

Now THAT I would watch.

I heart three day weekends.

A lot going down in my world at the moment. I got a new job as an assistant to two showrunners on an ABC family show. The big check minus is that it's currently 40 miles away from my apartment. And that's just one way.

So I'm now going to be moving...to the valley.

GASP! No!

Yes, it's true. A move I never expected but it will cut my round trip commute to 50 miles. My biking to work days are over. I will now join the masses who spend hours in their car, yelling at the morons in their way.

I could move closer but then I'd be surrounded by NOTHING and NO ONE would visit. Or at least I'd never visit anyone in the deep valley, unless they had a kick ass pool. Which my new apartment will. Score.

I heard a really great backhand compliment yesterday while waiting to donate blood. There is this donation truck that comes by our offices every 6 months or so and I decide to do a good deed for a free movie ticket and a cookie. It's a nice barter system.

Since I work on a small studio lot many people walk by to see what the hub bub is all about. Naturally, the people running the donation center capitalize on this. So this one skinny chick, possibly an actress, walks by. When asked to participate she said and I quote:

"I can't. I don't weight enough."

To which I replied under my breath, "Shut up."

With Vday 'round the corner I'm looking forward to awkward vday themed plotlines on some of my fave comedy shows and lifetime movies.

I can't believe how much of a "thing" Vday is now. I mean it's not even a real day. Way to go Hallmark. I need to work there so I can convince them to create Cookie Day or Pretend To Be Sick To Get Out Of Work Day or Shameless Come Ons Day.

While in High School my friends on the track team (yeah I ran track!) used to jokingly "hit on" our super sweet married coach. Randomly in the middle of practice we'd be like, "Mr. Young, do you have a bandaid?" Then he'd look concerned that you hurt yourself and ask what happened. We'd reply, "I scratched my knee when I fell for you." Then he'd get a big ol' grin and with a hand motion say, "ohh you!"

He was the greatest.

This weekend I didn't bother to watch the Superbowl. Mostly because I forgot and then realized when the grocery stores were insane. Must buy food!

I did however help to invent a new word. While hanging out with a friend we combined two things; magicians and lesbians to become....

Magibians.

By definition magibians are lesbians but only for the duration of their magic act. So there might be some extra smiles or suggestive winking while that assistant is sawed in half.

Now later on in the day I was rather sleepy and my friend showed me a poster that read: THE MAGIBIANS. On either side was a semi nude photo of a woman and there a bunch of copy referring to a magic show in some hotel. At the bottom was a website. The combination of sleepy and being more gullible then I'd like to admit made me naturally ask:

"Did you go to magibians.com?!"

He then proceeded to laugh hysterically at my sincerity. He obvs made the poster. But stranger things have been found on the interwebs. Or at least that was my defense.

Today while killing some time during the "wait" section of the "hurry up and wait" part I randomly got the song "Shake It Fast" by Mystikal in my head. Namely the chorus. Naturally the co-worker I was with looked up the song lyrics so we could fully appreciate the wonder of this hip hop ballad to the ladies.

Behold:

I'm comin' with the fire like Aiyaaa! - What an ethnic name.
Chocolate and bowlegged, runnin' up behind ya - You know how hard it is to run bowlegged? You better stretch first. PS; Thanks for the chocolate.
Go 'head, get down, pop lock at the rockhouse - AKA my Saturday nights.
Girl, don't lie, you know you wanna go back to my house - I don't.
Man right'cher wanna get under that dress right there - If you're going to use right'cher once, why even bother to say it right later? It's insulting to ebonics.
Spicy cajun, we gon have a good time over there - I prefer spicy thai.
You better stick a head on that there crawfish - What?
You gotta bend all the way over to dance off this - Again, what?
Handle your business, 'cuz you know he do it way better - Business as in finances.
You're dead wrong - Are you arguing with yourself?
So if you totin' by and brothers make noise when you pass by - Totin'? not a word, sorry.
get on the dance floor girl, - You can't tell me what to do!
'Cuz this your song - I'm more of an Annie Lennox fan.
Do your thang, - OK, here comes the cabbage patch!
Don't be scured - I'm going to guess you failed English...
'Cuz you gon get served - Oh snap!
I'll get mine and you'll get yurn - What does that even mean?
Brothers thank that ass so lovely - You're welcome.
Raise it up, show yo g-string hustlin', hustlin' - Actually it's Hanes perfect fit.
Bend over, girl, show me what'cha workin' wit - I'm workin' wit dis right'cher!

It goes on. Feel free to enjoy it in it's entirety. I sure did.

It was my birthday this past weekend. I am now 26. Officially out of my early 20s and into the decade where I have to think about adult stuff like 401Ks, a house, career, settling down. Gross. I don't feel 26 at all and don't look at all like the people in their 20s on reality shows, whether it's Project Runway or The Bachelor (PS - if you are on The Bachelor that young, there is something wrong, did you even try the interwebs?). They seem so much older, but that's probs because I look 18. Let's just say the bartenders are always surprised.

To celebrate I went snowboarding as it is free on your bday. Totes aws. It was aReal crowded. I think everyone came to see me...OR it snowed for like a week previously. Whatevs. Since it was crowded I went over to the harder side of the mountain. I'm no expert but I held my own and am quite proud to say that I only ate it once; on the easiest part of the course. My tailbone is still feeling it.

A couple of fun things:

1. My pinky toe on my right foot feels numb. Kinda like pins and needles. Not sure what that's about but it's starting to get annoying. Perhaps it's nerve damage? I hope it magically heals itself because until it turns blue or falls off, I'm honestly not going to do anything about it.

2. On the way back down the mountain at night there was a patch of black ice that took my car for a spin right into the mountain. The car started to skid towards a wall of snow and of all the things I could have yelled I chose: "Oh dear!" We were actually super lucky that the people behind us didn't hit us, no one was coming up the mountain, the car only clipped the mountain so the bumper is chipped but otherwise fine, AND the best part; we didn't swirve the other way because there was no guard rail (good idea) and we would've gone off a cliff - 80s cop show style, probably blowing up on impact.

So yay I'm alive! Although it would have been kinda badass to die on my bday as well. And I'd have a pretty good death story for heaven, not to mention bonus points for not cursing before dying.

Last night as I was getting ready to sleep I heard the chirping of a cricket in the room. Immediately I thought, "Well, that's not gonna fly." So I went on the hunt to find where he was hiding. I located the target and terminated it. It was a necessary evil. I mean, really dude, you have the ENTIRE outdoors to live in. Don't break into my apartment and start making noise at midnight. That's just not cool.

Other crickets with internet access who can read beware!

You get greedy and you'll pay the price.

I'd like to share with you a little visual gift. This is the image currently on my desktop. It's often a bright spot in my day. I think you know why...

Amazing.

Please excuse my tardiness as of late. I've been busy working on a script. Deadline was today so now I can come back out and play. But if you are going to be coming to my door every day and banging incessantly then I'm going to pretend I'm not home.

I remember my Mom used to have us pretend not to be home when a Jehovah's Witness would coming a knockin'. She must have had radar because she would spot them from around the block and have us close the door, blinds, and turn out the lights. Not like she hates religion or anything, though she did go to Catholic school and once out was all, "Screw that, I'm going Christian!" They say the best way to create an atheist is to put them in Catholic School.

Must be sad being a Jehovah's Witness. I'm sure that happens a lot, and there are some Moms less savvy who they catch closing the blinds. Perhaps they spend their days listening to that Green Day song, Boulevard of Broken Dreams...

Second Grade Journal Entry:

OK, there are a lot of things that I like about this one. First of all, I get to pretend I'm Squanto. And perhaps it was a fruedian slip about staying "war my tribe was." Funny you should misspell that...(insert actual WAR). Also that response can be one sentence, not two.

Second, for all of you who love FAILBLOG, we can add in a MATH FAIL at the end. No, Colleen, 10 is not the "ansr."

Dear Martin Luther King Jr,

Thanks so much for being black and fighting for your rights. Sorry you got shot. That's lame. Future generations will honor this day by sleeping late, making a decent breakfast because they actually have time in the morning, and perhaps watching a movie and/or shopping. Hopefully you are enjoying the VIP section of heaven with Gandhi and Mother T.

Earthboundly yours,
C$

Today I'm pretty jazzed for 2 reasons.

1. It's the Friday of a long weekend. MLK day in the house!

2. Adding the actual page right out of the Second Grade Journal:

It seems only appropriate for the coming weekend that I post this one. Even as a child I knew the value of having 3 days off. But I was bold and pushed the envelope saying I wanted half days as well. Let's be honest, we can cram it all in there if you take out the "sharing" lessons. The best part is the check mark left behind from my teacher. There aren't many of those in there but this one she completely agreed with.

Also it's important to know what the greatest and least number is. I use that on a daily basis.

Recently I discovered that I can add pictures to this blog rather easily. Welcome to the information age, Colleen. Come sit a spell.

This is going to be awesome for you. Starting with the visualization of some Second Grade Journal entries because reading them straight from the source is where the real magic comes from.

Meal Worm Saga - Part VII (now with visuals!)

Enjoy!

This is my 800th post. Is it sad or awesome that immediately I think how Yoda is 800 years old so him and I are alike? One step closer to becoming a Jedi in real life...

800 calls for a celebration. TV shows hope to get to 100 episodes because then you get syndication rights aka you never have to work again. Oh, hello check that comes in the mail from my sitcom many a year ago. This blog is like a sitcom many times over. So in many ways, I should retire. I'm working too hard.

I wonder what I'll be like in my retirement. Something tells me that I'll never really stop working. But perhaps my "work" will change forms into sleeping late, watching Food Network, and yelling at the neighborhood riff raff. This is yet another reason why we need Time Machines. I'd like to catch a glimpse of myself. I think my future self could handle seeing my younger self. I'm mentally healthy enough to sustain time travel visits. I'd totally hang out with myself. Let myself borrow some money and or clothes. I'd be my own BFF.

I'll tell you one thing, the "making fun of stuff" level would be off the charts.

On today's episode of second grade journal entries...

The Mealworm Saga presents - Part VI

1. When will my mealworms turn into bettles?
2. They have seven legs.
3. My mealworms like to hide onder the oatmeal.
4. They have one leg in the back of them.
5. They do not make nose.

On the edge of your seat yet? Yeah, me neither...

I know its been awhile but I'd like to bring back the some second grade journal goodness for you...

Mealworm Saga Part V
(you can search for parts I-IV to get best effect)

1. One of my mealworms are about an inch.
2. If you put a mealworm on your hand it will tickl.
3. Do they biet?
4. Are they black bettles?

So many questions. Will nine year old Colleen get to the bottom of it? Tune in next time.

After every shower I notice there is a decent amount of hair that comes off my head. My hair is pretty thin and as it's getting longer I spot those straggling pieces on my shirt. As much as some would jest, I do shower on a daily basis. Now I'll be the first to admit I'm no good at math but the law of averages tells me that the number of hairs coming out of my head can fall out quicker than new ones growing in.

It's only a matter of time before I'll need a wig. That or I'll just magic marker my head. I'm sure no one will notice.

Since returning to work I have been displaying my recent clothing purchases courtesy of the holiday. Personally I always act like I have no money so I only really spend it on the basics like food and entertainment. I'm still kind of amazed I make money doing work after interning for free.

So when I buy clothes and add them to the closet it forces me to clean out things I don't wear or need. I find it rather amusing that the clothes you wore before the new fun clothes suddenly seem lame. Sorry old favorite shirt but there's a new sheriff in town and he's way more fun to hang out with; he's got an in-ground pool plus jacuzzi. Don't be sad I'm sure a Salvation Army shopper will buy you and make you feel special again.

Now that it's 2010 I'm unsure how to properly abbreviate it, as saying the entire thing takes up five syllables. I don't have time for that. Yet everything I got seems awkward.

1. '010
2. the ten
3. the tens

Number three has a limited shelf life since it's not useful after 12 as it becomes teens. Perhaps tweens? Maybe during this time we'll all surcome to the power of the Edward Twilight T-shirt and Jonas Brothers CDs.

And I'm back in LA. It managed to start snowing again the morning I was leaving causing me to get Post Tramatic Stress flashbacks. Thankfully took off A-OK. Though I did't realize when I booked the ticket how many stops it involved. Damn you Southwest and your cheap fares with a billion stops and lay overs! You don't even have TVs, how am I supposed to entertain myself? Read?! Gross.

So Colleen's travels back to LA included the following:

1. Long Island to Baltimore. I made a non-crazy or annoying airplane friend. We both got to experience the WORST landing of our lives as the plane significantly rocked from side to side on the entire decent. As per usual, I was convinced I was going to die. The two of us enjoyed some food and then hit up a store called "AMERICA!" According to this store America = sailboats and assorted T-shirts. Turns out Baltimore pretends to be like DC. There were plently of offensive politically themed/racist t-shirts to be found. I for one couldn't resist purchasing a mini growing President Obama. You know the drill - drop in water and watch the CHANGE! Get it? I assume they usually make these as white people because he looks like he's in black face.

2. Baltimore to Kentucky. Sat in the first row with tons of leg space but no storage allowed by your feet so I put my laptop under my jacket. So badass! Also noticed the flight attendent put in fake buck teeth with braces while doing the boring exits are located here routine.

3. Kentucky to LA. Stayed on the plane. Forced myself to write as young man sitting next to me rocked out to air drum and guitar solos. Listened to Michael Jackson on iPod as we landed. Take that FAA! I'm a rebel!

Then I got to wait about a half hour to get my checked bag. I'm telling you, we need to figure out this teleporting jazz ASAP. Scientists listen up! I'll allow you to stop your work on creating lightsabers to focus on this.

Merry belated Christmas! I have successfully eaten too much junk food. There is always too much food and a ton of leftovers. I'm not sure where we get the idea of 4 servings per person or why we always bring food to other events, avoid eating it, and then insist to others that they have to take it home. Rinse and repeat.

In other news I went to the mall yesterday. Yay, the mall! Of course it was crowded and of course H&M was 100 degrees but that didn't stop me from shopping. I was very focused on spending gift cards and money. You know, the important things in life.

My biological clock is slowing slipping into New York time. That being said I'm still up til 2am. I always think I'm going to wake up early. Set the alarm for 9am (vacation early time). The alarm goes off, I pretend I'll get up and hit snooze until that's annoying and I turn it off thinking I'll be up in 5 minutes. Cut to 20 minutes later and I wake up all, "Oh crap!" But really what am I waking up for? The parents are back to work, my brother is asleep, and there is nothing on TV. Case in point, today I did some Yoga while watching Jurassic Park, thanks HBO.

Very eventful mid-afternoon.

This morning (using the term loosely) I woke up and my family disappeared. Much like the beloved holiday film "Home Alone;" though I don't have the energy or know how to pull off many of Kevin's shenanigans.

I'm pretty sure my Dad is at work, my Mom is doing last minute holiday shopping, and my brother is sleeping. However, the dog is missing so perhaps he's getting a holiday haircut because he was looking a bit rugged. By the way, in case I have never mentioned it my dog Parker is a super handsome dark furred golden retriever who is 80 plus pounds of mush. If he was a human he would be a very handsome latino gay man. Quite a catch.

Perhaps if I go back to sleep the universe will right itself and everyone will be home again. Justification for more sleepy time!

Also, travel drama update: I called Virgin America today and didn't have to bitch out at all to get money back for booking another flight after mine was canceled - see below.

Turns out my red eye flight didn't get canceled as I was banking. Instead it was only delayed til midnight. Bonus LL Cool J was on the flight and I tried to make an effort not to stare and failed.

Also fun, as we were landing the child sitting in front of me totes vomited all over so I got to smell that for the next hour that we sat around outside the gate waiting for it to be cleared. Apparently we were the first flight to come in to JFK this morning, but that could easily have been a lie/an attempt to impress us all. Didn't fool me.

The worst part about leaving 70 degree weather for the blizzard of '09 is that I leave all heavy clothes at home and turns out wearing converse shoes makes you susceptible to taking several spills down stairs with luggage in hand. Fun! Also fun is the train ride getting canceled halfway to my house and we had to get out and walk to another train station where the stair falling occurred. Thankfully I wasn't the only one. I recall mumbling several curses and phrases involving the word "ridiculous."

Mama needs a nap.

The blizzard of 2009 is being very selfish. I might have to crack some heads at the Virgin America check in booth when my flight tonight is inevitably canceled. This morning I was canceled, now I'm delayed 4 hours. Not a fan.

The best part is when I get cranky/annoyed on the customer service phone to the robot lady. She asks for my phone number, but can never find my info, then asks for my confirmation number, then asks for your last name. Eventually I just start saying things like "You Suck" or "Son of a Bitch," to which she replies, "I'm sorry, I couldn't find anything under that name."

My aunt told me somewhere those responses are recorded and I thought, "There will be some real gems today." In short, you're welcome.

I booked a back-up flight on Southwest for Monday for when the aforementioned Virgin flight is canceled. I'd like my money refunded in full and am not afraid to call in with bomb threats until I get it. I don't want to get mean but I will bitch you out if necessary. I'll get all street on you.

If my flight options today were a flow chart every option would go directly to: You're Screwed.

Last night was my company's holiday party at a fancy hollywood bowling alley. We had a private room with food and drinks. First I'd like to say I successfully got tipsy off white wine before proceeding to white russians. I'm a very racist drink orderer.

Second, I didn't bowl until much later in the eve when everyone was basically all on one lane, though we had 4 reserved. Naturally I went over to the empty lane where, lo and behold, there was a game half complete. Ever the good worker, I decided to finish it up...on my own. I am pretty sure I bowled more than anyone else in a matter of 20 minutes. But I paid a price. Today my entire left leg is sore up to my butt. I am def no bowling pro, but my form does involve a lunge. So despite getting in exercise on a daily basis, it seems throwing a 10 pound ball is something my body just can't handle.

We all know bacon instantly makes things better but who knew it applied to first aid.

http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products-Bacon-Bandages.html

There is no limit to what we can accomplish...

On Sunday I cooked, like with an oven.

I would like to say spaghetti squash is the most amazing thing ever. All you have to do is cut it in half, place it face down in a baking tray (add some water if you please) and let it bake for an hour at 375 degrees. You take it out, let it cool down for a bit, then take a fork and scrap out the insides. It strings out like spaghetti on it's own. The magic of mother nature!

People will ask how you got the consistancy and think it took forever. Feel free to lie saying it was VERY complicated. So adult of you...

It's raining in LA. I can probably count on my hand the number of times that has happened since I moved out here 3 years ago. Or perhaps it would best be described by Annie Lennox lyrics:

And I miss you
like the deserts miss the rain.

Deserts and rain have had a strained relationship. There was some kind of falling out that none of us are aware of but basically they aren't talking. Every so often they'll see each other but mostly they avoid eye contact and pretend not to notice as they pass by. It's tragic really. The people of the land are the ones who suffer. I mean seriously guys, work it out. For the kids.

I apologize for my tardiness as of late. The holiday season means doing more "work" before the break. December is FLYING by. My mom bugged me for several weeks to send her my Christmas list, which was quite scarce this year. I'm officially at the age of boring gifts.

I sat there at my computer and after several days of thinking could only really come up with an assortment of gift cards. Not to pat myself on the back but I don't really want much. My daily needs are: internet, food, and sleep. On occassion I buy things like DVDs and clothes. I live like I'm in the depression. While staying with my Aunt in LA I was notorious for not allowing her to throw away food that she deemed as "bad." I'd always volunteer to eat it, or as I liked to say, test the boundries of the human body. I always survived. You don't get food poisoning if you cut around the bad parts. Duh. But honestly, that pie you just made isn't stale after two days.

Back in the day, when I twas a young lass in elementary school my parents used to pack my lunches. No brown bag. No themed metal lunchbox, but a soft velcro thermal lined concoction with assorted colors. You can imagine how cool I was.

Now at the time I was semi annoyed I didn't get Yoo-Hoo (which you can drink in 2 seconds -there is NOTHING in those things), or any of the other bad for you snacks. An apple?! How am I supposed to get early onset diabetes with that?! Ridiculous...

On occasion my parents would give me some snack money for Hot Fries. I LOVED those things. All the kids used to dare each other to eat a whole bag without anything to drink. I totally did it.

Now for all my home made lunches which lasted through my senior year (thank you mom!), I do remember that on Friday's I'd get money for the pizza bagel. It was A-mazing. There was a crazy amount of cheese on these things and the bagel was semi soggy but somehow it was the best thing in the world. I'm sure there is some gov't lunch organization that has all of them stored up. I needs me a business plan to start up a shop. Then I'll create a gimmic food completition so it's featured on Man V. Food. Then I can be rich and fraud a whole bunch of people.

My end game would be to have a pool full of money that I can swim in like Scrooge McDuck.

I really love how the word "diversity" has become a blanket term for race.

I saw a few movies over the break. First up: New Moon. Let me preface that it wasn't a movie I wanted to go to because I'm a total snob. In fact the exchange with my cousin Nate was as follows:

Nate: You know I'm going to make you see New Moon with me.
Me: I'd like to see you try.

Thankfully I didn't pay for it. Once again I was expecting so little that it wasn't the worst thing I've seen but it could have been a hour long. Here's basically what happens, and I'm not ruining anything here. Below I will channel the voice of the main character Bella.

Bella: Ah, boo! Two hot boys like me and I'm in high school, my life is SO hard. : (

Next movie: The Blind Side. This one I actually had an interest in seeing, mostly because I'm a sucker for based on true life events. Yet I am not sure how I feel about a movie that is basically like, "oh look black people need white people to be successful." However, Sandra Bullock does rock the casbah. Also, it appears she is no longer aging.

The other day I had a dream that I met Meryl Streep. I got a minor case of the giggles which she acknowledged. I think I was there to help with a film shoot or interview so it's not like I randomly accosted her. We started to chat and then my damn alarm woke me up and ruined everything. Way to go real life.

In other news, I grazed on apple/peach cobbler/cherry/pumpkin/pecan pie for about 2 days straight whilst in the AZ. On Friday I went for a 2.8 mile walk and although I didn't break a sweat I felt like I successfully burnt all the calories off. Never doubt the power of denial.

Also I loved that on Thanksgiving day the radio was starting to play Christmas songs. We weren't even done with turkey before making the mad dash into the present buying insanity. I will never understand sleeping outside of Best Buy when you can have Santa take care of it for you. Hello people he has a magical bag full of your hearts desire!

It's almost Turkey Day. Sorry turkeys but we'z a gonna eat cha! Personally I'm more excited about the desserts. This year I'll be going to the AZ to hang out with some Mormons that I'm semi related to through marriage. Should be fun.

I went a few years ago I almost exclusively ate pie everyday as a meal. A-mazing. See if you eat it as your meal only two times a day and walk around the block it pretty much negates the calories. Yeah, I'm going with that.

If I'm out of reach for awhile you know why. I got converted. Also there is a high probability that my cousin Nate will force me to see New Moon. I might indulge him if he doesn't mind hearing snarky comments the entire time, that or I'll just take a nap.

Allow me to discuss the movie 2012 with you. First of all I saw it last night and if you go in with the expectation of it to suck, then you leave going, "you know, it wasn't terrible..." Let me be clear, it's not good either. It's no Snakes On A Plane, however, I enjoyed making snarky comments with friends throughout.

What I like best about this whole thing is that they didn't release the movie in the year 2012 which to me would have been fun to capitalizes on people's paranoia. I'm pretty sure that's because they thought, well just in case the world does end I'd like to make money off this and be rich for three years before I die. That's a pretty good exit strategy.

I have looked into many a 2012 theories. I'm convinced that I got about 3 years left since it's slated to happen at the end of the 2012 year. That being said, I'd like to live it up these next few years. So perhaps I should run up a crazy amout of credit card debt with the idea that I'll never really have to pay it back. It's basically a fool proof plan. Unless we get another Y2K situation. Then I'm screwed.

But from what I've read about Super Volcano's, I dunno what's worse: dying in a fire blast from the erruption or surviving and having to live through a nuclear winter. Die instantly or die gradually. Probs going with the instant, though I'm sure the lines for Heaven will be to DMV proportions.

One thing I know for sure. I'd rather die on one of the coasts then survive in middle America.

If you are a vampire are you ONLY allowed to drink blood or is cake fair game? In all these TV shows and movies they mention how they never really eat. I dunno about you, but if I had to live forever without enjoying the awesome power of banana bread or stuffing myself at an all you can eat Indian buffet, that would be a deal breaker.

Sorry, I'm out. I'm catching the next sunset. See you on the flip side.

I'm fascinated by bizarre things that become popular like Cirque du Soleil. Can you image the first pitch of that idea...

Businessman: So you're telling me that it's like the regular circus except no one speaks english, everyone's half naked, and it's overall much gayer?
Artist: Yeah, basically.
Businessman: Get the hell out of my office.

But even better is BodyWorks. For those unfamiliar it's an exhibit that shows real human bodies in mostly bones and muscles form. It's like a freakish science fair. I have been to it before and it's amazing. However as you stand there and look at the muscles of some ice skater on top of their game you wonder, ok how exactly did you get that person's body when they died?

You are told they donate their body to science, but did they know they were dying or was it a freak accident? I mean I get why you have the obese guy but the marathon runner in the best shape of their life just to happened to die AND noted at 25 that they wanted their body donated?

I smell a conspiracy...or perhaps an excuse not to exercise. Not only is it true that fat kids are harder to kidnap but no one will ever try to kill you and put you on display.

I work at a small studio that allows people to bring in their dogs. My boss has 2 big white labs who pay us all a visit once every couple of months. They are cute but spoiled and when you want to work they want you to throw a ball down the hallway. They bark at you when you don't. It's especially fun when you are on the phone.

Originally my boss only had one named Owen. Then a few years later they got another one named Joey who is only 6 months but he's huge. Now Owen is naturally annoyed at Joey's energy level and attention for being the "puppy." He displayed some of this anger yesterday by doing the following:

1. Humping Joey's face while they wrestled.
2. Peeing on Joey's head.

And as if that's not awkward enough later in the day when I took them both out on their second bathroom break Joey pooped and was clearly aroused.

Gross.

It has come to my attention that I need to correct a previous post about the Snuggie.

In my post I implied the Snuggie was created because we were too lazy to take a blanket off ourselved while we're laying around and need to use our hands. I have been corrected, that it is there to keep you warm while you use your arms. I apologize if this has caused the Snuggie any financial harm.

However, may I suggest to them that it could be beneficial to add gloves onto the sleeve so the hands won't be cold. As someone with poor circulation in my hands this enhancement would be much appreciate. There should be a traction layer on the palm side so you can easily grip the remote control or pages of your book (thanks for the complimentary book light!).

Also while we're at it, can we add some pants with little booties on the end, and perhaps a velcro back so I can suit up in the mornings? I've heard the dog snuggie has velcro to keep it on them but it kinda makes me jealous. I want to be wrapped up like a delish cozy burrito.

The Snuggie is TOTES the new Robe.

Second Grade Journal:

The Mealworm Saga Part IV

1. They wigal when you pick it up.
2. They have a little bit of hair.
3. They have 13 segments in them.
4. They have legs in the front of them.
5. They like to walk on the side of the dish.
6. I think they will trun into bettles.

Number 7 was written but then X'd out. Who knows what I planned to say. Though it's written in pencil so I'm not sure why I didn't just erase it. But then again so many things in my journal don't make sense. It's really a miracle I got through second grade.

Second Grade Journal:

Mealworm Saga - Part III

They have antnnas.
Some are girls some are boys.
They have two eyes.
Two of my mealworms shedded.
If you put the mealworms on the apple they climb off.

I then proceeded to draw a picture of one and affectionally called it Paco, though the eraser marks show originally I went with Judy.

Also:

78 - 63 = 15

Those of you who might not be aware of "white problems" please feel free to read plenty of them listed here:

www.whitewhine.com

Enjoy.