After watching Fightclub I was thinking I would ask some of my friends the following, "What would you do if I slapped you in the face?" I asked this thinking if the answer was, "I'd slap you back," I would accept that consequence with a shrug and proceed to slap the crap outta their cheek. However, no one said they would slap back. Sudie was indifferent and Liz said she'd get boogers all over my hand cuz she has a cold. DRAT!

Later that night as I got out of Dave's car Sudie and me got into an all out fight. It was amazing. Liz and Dave sat in the car and watched as we struggled to knock each other to the ground into the snow. He got my hands a bunch of times but I got myself out of it until he wrapped my arms around myself and I hooked my foot behind his, locking his leg and falling back. Needless to say he broke my fall. I lost my hairband but it was worth it.

Oh yeah and the city rules! We went into the St.Patrick Cathedral and as we were walking around in total awe of the architecture there was this homeless man asleep in the pews (sp?). Sudie said, "picture."

Lactaid Lady: josh would you ever take a dump, catch it in a bag on the way into the toilet and then shake it out onto someone's lawn?
ISmellNY: maybe
ISmellNY: depends
Lactaid Lady: on what?
Lactaid Lady: if it was ziplock...
ISmellNY: i'd like paper more
Lactaid Lady: ok so you'd crouch in your bathroom and dump on some newspaper
ISmellNY: sure
Lactaid Lady: then throw it on someone's lawn
ISmellNY: sure
ISmellNY: why?
Lactaid Lady: i dunno i think it would be hilarious if someone actually did that
Lactaid Lady: i mean, what a great story to tell my kids

Yeah so I think I'm addicted to Hot Fries. It all starts with one fry, then I'm all eating the whole damn bag. The other day I bought 2 big bags of them and that same day I ate one whole bag by myself. I then waited til later this night to eat the rest of the hot fries that my brother opened. And I think tomorrow I'll go out and buy s'mo. I hope they make a patch and I can get myself out of this potential road to disaster ASAP. First its just one bag a day, then suddenly I blow all my money on it, and I'm selling my parents bed for cash to buy up all the bags at 7-11. Then I'm living on the streets dancing on a box to make ends meat...so I can buy bags. Then I'm heating the fries on a spoon and shooting it up.

And so today's lesson is not to throw carrots at old people.

I apologize for no updates in the past days. I have totally forgotten about the Phrase O the Week. I've decided who it will go to.

This week it goes to Merry. You see in the beginning of the week...or was it last week? Eh, whatev. She wanted to go to a diner. But there were some conditions of going. You see Merry doesnt like to take these things called "showers" very often and won't deny that. One fine day she asked me to go to the diner with her wearing pjs cuz she hadn't showered OR changed even though it was about 3pm. I said ok fine, I'll change back for you. After that Sudhanshu was saying how great it would be if him and I didnt change and Merry had. He couldnt wait to see her face, because he's the devil. Then as we were discussing her reaction if we showed up wearing regular clothes Merry said:

if you show up without pjs on I will cut your face off with a knife

Aw, Mer...that's SO sweet. You'd do that, just for me? Wow. We are special friends. Nothing says lovin' like a slash to the face.

Note: Her statement single handedly scared me into at least wearing PJ pants instead of not changing at all as Sudie had wanted.

Breakin' da law!

A car drives up to the stoplight. Straight ahead its empty. No one is behind me. All clear to the left. On the right headlights shine from the police car. The girl inside laughs.

Colleen: I was thinking of going through the light if it wasn't for that po-po.

A moment passes, the cop goes over the hill. Another set of headlights approaches and passes through the green light. The toyota sits still at the red.

Colleen: I hate this light. No one is ever around and its still red.

She looks around again. No one is around.

Colleen: (to Tim) What do you think?
Tim: Do it.

The toyota goes through the red light. Soon after there are sounds of rejoicing and claims of being bad ass.

I'm too lazy to write something original so I'm just gonna plagerize. Oooh I'm so bad!

In regards to coming over to my house; feast your eyes upon this convo:

Cookies4Grandma: Is anyone else a-coming?
Cookies4Grandma: But honestly col...
Lactaid Lady: what
Cookies4Grandma: if Sudhanshu is coming, I don't want to be there.
Lactaid Lady: lol
Lactaid Lady: you had me
Cookies4Grandma: score!
Lactaid Lady: i was about to type, dont worry if your tired you dont have to come over
Cookies4Grandma: lol
Lactaid Lady: i was being all sincere and what not
Cookies4Grandma: You just want to make out with Suds AND Jon
Lactaid Lady: yep
Lactaid Lady: i'm a hoe
.

A Merry Christmas Indeed.


Ok this is what happened. We went over to my relatives and ate and such. It began to snow on the way home so it took some time to get back. Alas, once we landed my brother threw a snowball he would later regret. It's destiny was to hit my father square in the head, he laughed, my dad threw some back. I went inside. Then I got on this fine machine (computer) to check my mail. Then revenge was had. Out of NO WHERE my dad comes in and gets my brother in a head lock. I had no clue what was going on. Shawn was desperately trying to escape and thats when I knew my dad was unleashing his internal fury. Yes people, a horrible fart was ripped onto the body of my brother over and over again. Shawn got out of my fathers grasp and stated that, "I can taste it!"

Sudhanshu sat on the floor, unbeknownst to the smell, when the wave of gas flooded his nostrals. The smell was spreading. He cried out, "OH MY GOD!!" I knew I would be next and braced my nose. I said, "I'm not going to breathe." But alas, my attempts failed. Oh, the humanity.

Tonight we were eating a mighty fine Christmas dinner and Sudhanshu realized that the wine glasses we were all drinking from were different. And as you should know, different means not the same. So there we are drinking from our non-matching glasses and my mom asks what that means. Both Sudie and I say how it means we are all individuals and each glass should be appreciated for what it is. Then my mom states, "oh wow, man you guys are deep."

Currently I am watching the documentary of the Evanson's 1989 and let me tell you, I never knew my voice could be so high. Oh and I have a semi-mullet. ROCK ON!

Sorry I havent updated, I got back from college and I could lie and say I've been so busy that I couldnt, but thats a lie. When you have nothing to do, getting up is just such a hassel and you get SO lazy. I hope this laziness doesnt go to far and I dont let myself go. If that happens, then all the old ladies of the town will gossip about what happened to me, because I was just so energetic n such.

May it be known---------

I realize I have fans of the website, and sometimes I feel obligated to write stuff and then I look at it like homework instead of fun time to write. But alas, it tis my fate. For I hath made it a link from my AIM profile online and thus the people hast clicked and the "oldschool" was birthed. For ever and ever shall it reign. Yippy Skippy.

Hello?

Oh so who saw Lord of the Rings? Yeah me! Wow, that was so great. It was also long. I liked it better than the first one, but probably because the first time I saw it I was wicked tired and thought there would be some concrete ending. I wasn't informed there would be 2 others. But that was then, I actually am motivated to read the books now. Crazy huh? And I must say the Elf...oh he's the man.

Also -

During this huge fight scene the screen decides it doesnt want to show us the movie anymore and goes black. The theatre was packed with older teenagers and adults and it didnt take long before the yelling began. Everyone turned around, looked at the projection booth and shouted. I got really scared for a while that all the angry nerds would start throwing things and start a riot. But since everyone in there was a nerd, no such thing happened. It suddenly got very hot in the theatre and many people wondered around outside near the video games as we waited. This was at 1 oclock. Around 110 or so, it came back on. We rushed to our seats, and they didnt rewind the good 1-2mins that we missed, so alas I'll have to see it again. What a shame...

I want ma 7 bucks back!

You know how I blame most of my excessive gas on being lactose intolerant? Yeah thats a lie. I think you're old enough now that I shoudl tell you the truth. Santa is real, the Easter Bunny does exist and he summers in Rhode Island. The tooth fairy, well thats a sham. But now the truth about my gas:

The truth!

Well, you see I like to steal people's happiness. So when I get my hands on their happiness, I eat it. It's delicious with roast beef. Anyway, it goes through my system and in the end I burp out people's angst. It's actually quite a beautiful process.

A clever ploy!

The other day I tripped a little bit on Kiehl's shoe that was near him as he sat in his chair by his desk. I fell towards him, then began to laugh as I always do once I've almost fallen. Other people saw it and laughed at me, however I quickly turned the blame on Kiehl telling him...."That was a clever ploy to try to get me fall into your arms." We all had a good laugh, but since then people have been using "clever ploy" like there is no tomorrow. People, I'm glad you enjoy such a phrase, but lets calm it down before I get it copyrighted and then you'll have to pay me a dollar everytime you use it. So if you use "clever ploy" please, use with caution.

Today I was talking to Dana. We were discussing colors. She told me she didnt like that everyone likes the color blue, and I said, HEY I like the color blue...you got a problem cuz we can take it outside. She said, ok maybe we should. So we marched outside into the snow in our snow boots. Mine were blue. Her's weren't. We go back to back and start to take 10 steps forward, our snowballs fully loaded. I'm about to turn when I say, you know I like silver too. She says, "Silver is like the gay grey."

We laughed. And dropped our snowballs to the ground and then had a pillow fight and talked about boys.

Yeah that whole thing was a lie, except for the stuff about the colors. Yeah I lied, so sue me.

Oh yeah and the rock that holds my door has been stubbing toes left and right. I loves ma rock.

Finally she updated!

Yeah you know what shut up. You don't know me! You acting all cool with your brushed teeth and combed hair. Hey pal I can do that too. Just because I dont live the fancy life with the hollywood stars on my driveway and those fluffy soap foamers for the shower. Damn you! I can do it to. I can make a fluffy ball out of cardboard boxes and stick it together with toothpaste.

I will now stop myself. I am aware that I am not making any sense what so ever. You see, I was attempting to go on a hilarious rant but I lost my vision as soon as the tv went on. I was all focused. And then suddenly, I was all...not. I apologize, I have failed you as a writer. Perhaps I should go into the super market business as a clerk or stock person, or even better the seafood shop girl. That way I would watch the lobsters in that tank all day. Then on one not so special day I'll bust them out of there and blame it on Kenny the Janitor because he's a hippy.

Yesterday I farted on Yvone at least 7 times. I mean, yes, I am pretty gassy but that was unheard of. They just kept coming so I was like...ok share the wealth. Ben told me I was grosser than any of his guy friends. Soon after that I began to burp.

Yvone had this to say about her experience:

"I want to be like you so I can fart on people. It's so beautiful and meaningful. It's like your sharing yourself with other people because you are a very giving person."

"Oh my god, you burped and then you farted. You are amazing. You are God."

Now I know I aint no God, but I think the reason for all my gas is being lactose intolerant. My stomach kinda sucks. And guess what I had yesterday! Ice-cream and I had only one pill with me so I think that one pill took away the pain but didnt stop the flatulance.

____________________
This morning I was eating an english muffin that I put jelly and butter on. At one point I went to take a bit and some of the filling fell out. Hmm..where did it go? Yeah, right on my pants. But not only was it on my pants but it landed on the best spot, right on the crotch. I mean this thing hit the seam. It's crazy. I haven't changed my pants yet.

I think I will make this the Best Line used by a teacher in a handout...It's a detailed award, but oh well this needs to be in a category all it's own. Ready? Otay!

You see, I had to write this 10 page paper for my Courtrooms and Communications class and he gave out this handout of what an analytical paper was. The paper was about an actual court case we observed and the teacher, Mr. Sullivan, gave an example of what not to write. One point was to not describe what you saw.

The example:

The defending attorney asked the witness, "So Ms.Rose, are you a compulsive liar, or just plain stupid?
The witness replied, "Boo Hoo, I hate you."

Let me tell you that as I was typing the lawyer's question I already began to laugh at the answer. I get a visual of these things and it makes stuff 10 times funnier. Oh that Sullivan, he's such a pissa.

And for that he deserves the Phrase O the Week.

Can you believe this guy? Comes from no where and wins to awards in one day, and the one award was made FOR him. Geez, what is with Colleen. I think she has a crush or something...

Hey SHUT UP!

I had to go to work today, that sucked. I hate that dining hall with a passion. I hope that I dont ever have to go back to that dark, dark place. It's evil i tell ya, evil! Last time I went looking for another job the only other opening was as a model for an art class. A nude model. For a second I seriously considered it. But then I was like...ah-No! I mean cmon, I'm not Christina Anguliara...or however it's spelled.

I watched behind the music of Busta Rhymes, this guy is awesome. But I wish they did a behind the music on Ace of Base. Athought that would probably only be about 10 minutes long. Oh well...

Go away!

Today I was walking in the snow and and I noticed the sneaker prints. Some of them had skids from when people would run and slide on the snow. Bur there were like these mini skids on the end. And I was thinking, what the heck? That is such a waste of a skid, because it was obviously not long enough to slide and enjoy the ride. Then this kid in front of me was dragging his feet as he walked and I noticed he was making those same makes. It was then I realize, those mini skids were just proof of people who dont know how to pick up their feet. I hate those people. They piss me off like you would not believe. I kinda wanted to push him. But I didnt.

Today I also saw the closing arguments about a rape case. Yeah that was pretty crazy. Now I have to write a 10 page paper on it...by Friday. YES! I got 2 pages done. So I feel semi-productive. I need to get a robot to do it for me. A crazy 10 page expert writing robot with rose colored cheeks, blue eyes, and a love for ceiling fans.

It's time to guess which present I actually want!

1) Bland CDs
2) Weapons of mass destruction
3) the plague
4) basket full of apples with smily faces on them

the light outside my dorm door is blinking like a mo-fo. I like it though, its a really slow strobe light. It also has this artistic touch. I find it very interesting. The word I'm searching for here is "character."

Sorry that the last comment wasn't really ment to be funny, but if you found humor in it...good for you!

Uh yeah I feel obligated to write something hilarious and I can sense my impending failure of that so I'll probably just ramble. Ok there is opera coming from the hallway...who does that? Who plays opera? I didn't know there was an old lady living next door.

Today after taping a show me and some fellow co workers remembered the good ol' days of Mortal Combat. The blocky digital blood, the repeated leg swipes, the Finish HIm! voice. Those were the days...none of that crazy 3-D things. I think I know how my dad feels, I mean he has pong to compare things to and while I am a fan of pong, I mean cmon. It's kinda, well, dated and and even old school mario can kick pongs ass.

the end.

Hark! An update!

I'm going to mention this in very colleen fashion. Yeah you guessed it, a story about poop.

Ok so last night I was in Sudhanshu's room talking to Kiehl and Douglas when I my bladder was like hey it's time to go. So i go into their single bathroom on their floor, low and behold...no there wasn't poop there, but there were some poop marks. There was one pretty big one and then a couple smaller ones. I do my business and flush, and the little marks get wiped away thus making the marks fresh. I went back to the guys room and told them, I even showed Sudie. Then we discussed how it was made. Kiehl said it had to bounce around when it flushed. In the end we concluded that it was a big floater that bounced when flushed.

As if that weren't enough for ya...check this out!

This morning while talking to Sudie (new nickname for Sudhanshu I just came up with) he told me that when he went to brush his teeth in the single bathroom someone left a HUGE deuce in there and didnt flush. He said, and I believe this will win Phrase O the Week:

It looked like the work of a giant.

Daily Shout out!
To: Jules!
Why: During dinner she told us how last night she actually fell asleep at the computer and her head hit the Z so when she woke up there were 5 pages of Zs.

The following is taken directly from Unkie George's email:

It is hard to imagine that the one little complaint was embellished so lavishly!
Well done! If I had only known all these things about myself I surely would have included them in the e-mail. Next time I will include more detail in my complaint.....

As for your father, there are two ways to look at this...

1) He was just kidding and you are experiencing writers block, so you need SOMETHING to get a little bit of juice flowing since you don't have a phrase o the week yet and besides writing about snow nothing interesting is happening, so you figure that a little controversy between two friends who would exhaust themselves mentally and physically taking on each other in a battle of "wits", not to mention the fact that you would gain great pleasure in your father being involved would give you the impetus for great writing. So I see this as being all about YOU!

OR

2) You father was serious and therefore looking to cause serious strain on our friendship. Although I can't see this happening, nothing is beyond possibility.

So if this scenario is true, I have only one thing to say:
WHINER

Quote of the week:

"Get out of bed, unless you can make money by staying there" - George Burns

______________________________

Now I dunno about you, but that stuff about this being all about me was pretty harsh. Although what can I say, I loves ma controversy.