I know I'm a dirtbag for not updating in forever. I know these things. Don't get mad. I'm trying.

Over spring break I was able to view the trailer for Star Wars Episode III. And I must inform everyone that I am unable to handle how good it's going to be. I geek right the hell out when I watch it. It's easy to think that well she must be a giant Star Wars nerd. But you would be wrong. Yes I enjoy the movies and think being a Jedi is all that and then some, but I have never crossed the line of dressing up like any characters or doing some role playing thing.

However I did think of the most lame/nerdy tattoo in all the land:

A lower back tattoo of a lightsaber, possible even two of them creating an X


that's all I got. If you would like to geek out as well please check out this site
http://movies.channel.aol.com/feature/starwars/trailer.adp?type=lrg

Til then, I'm outtie nerds.

So it appears I won't become the most notorious cop killer in all the land, nor will audition to become a rapper. DRAT! Damn you legal system for reinstating my faith in the law.

I went into court to contest my double whammy tickets. Court wasn't even court, it was more like a hallway with a table and a late 20-year old cute guy in a suit sitting down. I thought he was there just to help with my paperwork before going into see a judge. So we were small talking and I was comfortable. Next think you you he throws out my driving with expired license, and reduces my speeding no questions asked. It comes up that I was on my way to renew it and he was like, no way get out! Then he realized it was my first ticket and said, "oh that must have been tramatic." To add to this miracle, he looked at the officer's name who write the tickets and said, "oh he's scary isn't he?" I was like YES! In a matter of minutes my 400 dollar tickets and 6 points on my license were reduced to 100 and 3 points.

And there was much rejoicing in the stairway on the way out.

Hi all.

Sorry its been awhile. Last week I was emotionally roundhoused by the law. Now I'm not great with numbers but seriously what are the odds that the first time you get pulled over you are on your way to renew your license which is expired by a week? Add onto that, what are the odds the po-po will be a JERK to you. 2 tickets later I'm on my way back to school, sans my new license.

Now I know what all those rappers are talking about when they say "F the police." F them. F them indeed.

Don't worry, I plan to fight the man. That date is set:

Wed. Feb 23, 12pm
Ithaca Court House

I'll be hopin' and a-wishin' that I don't have to pay 300. I'm hoping the fact that I've been a good person for most of my life will bail me out. If not, well then I'll become a notorious cop killer.

As of late I have been hanging out with fellow RA Jessica Blasko quite often. As many of you already know, at times, I fart and it is clear that even if I do not smell it, I probably delt it.

On one such night on the third floor of Tallcott Hall Jess and I were in her room. At this time I decided to do a scissor kick and whilst in the air, fart. At this, Jess lost her mind a bit. I paraphrase:

"Oh My God. Oh my God. You have taken farting to a whole new level. It's like an art form."

Some of my other works of art include purposely dropping a blanket and then while bending over, cutting one. Doing a semi-slip. And of course let's not forget, walking like a wooden toy soldier.

I think I should take this show on the road.

Bday update:

Dignity remained intact. Until of course I began to throw up in my mouth. Oh and that time when I took off my shirt for a high five. And then off course when I blacked out, woke up in the woods, had to sell my clothes for a ticket back to Ithaca, once I got there pictures were posted all over campus with my FULL name, address, zodiac sign, hobbies, etc.

Despite all that I still think I'm one classy lady.

(I hope by now you realize the above in the un-truth)

As the clock comes closer to midnight I realize it is only too soon until 2 things happen.

1. I turn 21 and become an "official" adult
2. A couple friends may attempt to get me drunk

Here's the thing, their agenda shall fail them for there is something they aren't aware of. I have an agenda as well:

Mission Statement for the Official Adult known as Colleen Evanson:
I, Colleen Evanson, will not get drunk when I turn 21. Though there maybe be conspiracies against such a belief these forces that be are unaware that I can take a challenge and HARK! I shall emerge victorious!

Bring it on.

I haven't really become inspired nor do I really want to be posting. I just felt like I should and I could just improv it as I went along. I'm really doing this for the few who hopelessly check and go, "Drat!!" or perhaps you scream "Curses!" to the sky when you see that I hath not updated. And when I say "curses" I mean the actual word not the explitives.

I really like the song "Let's get Retarded" by the Black Eyed Peas, however I don't like singing the words since I don't like to use the word 'retarded.' This makes it rather awkward to fully enjoy this song as it ought to be. Now they made another version called "Let's get it Started" but for some reason it just doesn't quite "drop it like it's hot" as the previous. Which leads me to another question of what "drop it like it's hot" really means. Sure it's some new slang that the kids really enjoy learning from the Master of the english language, the one, the only, Snoop Dog (is it D-O-double G still or just Dog? I'm unsure).

To drop is an action or perhaps one might say, a verb. Some people drop things on accident, or because the weight is too heavy, or it slips, or maybe they did it on purpose to anger another individual. But in this case you drop this item because it is hot. It's completely understandable, when you burn yourself you tend to want to let go of whatever is causing you this pain.

But what, I must ask, are you dropping? Is it a heated pot holding something like soup, or perhaps an adorable Precious Moments doll featuring a little boy and a puppy? Or maybe it's something that we don't value like let's say an F bomb. People drop F bombs all the time and one could argue that many would drop an F bomb if they were carrying something hot. One could also argue that if you did happen to drop a Precious Moments keepsake that you would drop the F bomb, as the expensive ceramic remains close to your heart since someone like Grandma probably gave it to you because let's be honest you don't buy yourself those things. However, I can't preceive a situation where the Precious Moment would become super heated so you would drop it. Although, on closer inspection I realized he claims you should "drop it LIKE it's hot." Not that it IS hot.

Hizzah! The answer is here. Drop your Precious Moments as if they somehow became too warm for your hands to hold them. Make it look like an accident too but clean it up soon because you wouldn't want to cut your foot.

You know, previously I thought "dropping like it's hot" implied one should bust a move while listening to some "mad phat" beats, but I think this theory makes MUCH more sense.

I have been busy with training but found time this morning, aka noon, to read through some of the comments which I often forget I possess. One, a ways back, asked for a top 5 of my delights. This list is really the express lane or maybe even the HOV into my heart…only you don’t need 2 people to get there, you can probably just get a cardboard cut out of Michael Jordon as featured in Home Alone.

1. Thai food

2. Any knowledge pertaining to the X-Files

3. Amazing thrift store finds: members only jackets, cheesy xmas sweaters with sholder pads, romance novels (Savage Thunder), giant mens underwear, etc.

4. Thinking about or pulling off pranks: farting in a reslife professional staff members chair 100 times and keeping a secret tally in the office. When I'm older I plan to tell people plotlines of famous movies and claim I was there. Such movies include; Jaws, Godfather, Titanic, Moulin Rouge, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, the possibilities are endless. Also I want to follow people around in some form of a motorized chair.

5. Making fun of bad media: Hunter, Macgyver, basically anything from the 80s, the soap opera Passions is always good for a laugh, and of course the endless supply of commercials.

Now I shall I digress into one such commercial. Over break I kept seeing ads for Open Water which was now available on DVD, thankfully. Now in it they show some clips of two people surrounded by some open water of the ocean and they are flipping out a bit. The announcer of the add claims that critics called it "the best shark movie since Jaws."

Now at first I bought it completely. But the second and third times through I began to question this claim. Exactly how many other shark movies occurred since Jaws?

Well, there was of course Jaws II (not bad, kinda like Jaws all over again but without the crazy boat guy), Jaws III (takes place at seaworld), Jaws: The Revenge (in which the mother from the original has the shark follow her to the Caribbean where she, her older son Michael, his friend who says "Mon" a lot, and Michael Cain send electric current into the shark causing it to jump completely out of the water so they can steer the front of their boat into it, thus stabbing and killing Jaws)
Then let's not forget Deep Blue Sea, fully of wonderful CG sharks and Samuel L. Jackson with LL Cool J as the chef.

So as for Open Water being the best shark movie since Jaws….that's not that great of an accomplishment.

For all those interested in learning the point system of Traffic Blows...they game in which you pass time in traffic by shooting spit balls at other cars, please direct yourself to the link below, as provided by Cousin Pat.

http://www.semicaged.com/traffic/

Today I was in the presence of a two year old girl. I taught her many false things such as: frogs eat hamburgers, and elephants eat crystals. After watching Aladdin she began to wave goodbye to the scrolling credits. I got to be specific and said goodbye to certain people on the list. She copied what I said. It then evolved into saying names that weren't there such as: Bea Arthur, Pauly Shore, Estelle Getty, David Hasslehoff, you get the picture.

I realized that I should never have children because I'll just lie to them and make them repeat catch phrases or inside jokes or lame celebrities.

So i tried to post a while back but the website wasn't being very nice and decided to not post it so that backfired.

Most of my current day entertainment comes from a new widescreen tv that sits gloriously in the living room. From a slouched position on the heavenly couch I enjoy the TV Land reruns. I have learned the wonder that is 80s investigative shows. Now we all know and love the adventures of Macgyver (which occurs at 1pm) but who knows all about Hunter? Not many.

Hunter is quite possibly the best cop show EVER made in the history of the world. He's a maverick cop who likes to wear plaid and say amazing catch phrases such as, "works for me." Meanwhile his partner Dede McCall, once referred to as Brass Cupcake, goes undercover as a prostitute every 1 out of 3 shows. Together they hit the streets of LA and have at least 2 car chases per episode. All you need do is watch the opening sequence, the editors are pure masters at their craft. Evidence can be found througout the episodes but really makes itself clear at the end when they show a mirage of clips that all result in offtimed freeze frames. You need not watch with anyone, the show itself can provide enough laughter without a television savy partner to rip it apart. Yes friends, this show does indeed "work for me."

ZING!

And I'm home. I must say it is rather choice to be back. The ride home was quite an ordeal. There was snow and ice and mountains and pistol whiping. When you are going 30 MPH on the LIE at 3am and you can't pass a oil truck because he is weaving all over the road you think, 'yeah i feel safe, I should do this more often.'

At one point I actually had to follow behind a plow truck. And then the lights went out and the moon was swallowed up by a black hole. Thankfully I had my trusty flashlight of truthitude and it doth created a becon in the darkness of my soul. And from hence forth there twas the streets were free from the oppressive snow. I followed a sugar cookie rainbow to the carmel rivers until I made to suburban long island.

In other news I watched Project Runway on Bravo. I thought it was going to be a train wreck but it turned the tables on me and now I want to see more. I've been away from TV for so long, I forgot how much I loved it.

I recently exited the documentary time portal only to find I need to do well on all my finals to try to boost my grades. However, there is a lack in motivation because nothing could compare to the pay off of documentary. Not even thai food.

That's right I said it.

(insert mind explosion here)

Thanksgiving is 'round the corner and that means its time to give thanks to the things we really care about. I know it's cliche and redundent but you know I'm really thankful for christmas sales. God bless you malls of america for keeping consumerism alive. Without the great discounts given to we the people from some divine being like a CEO of marketing, I don't think we'd ever survive as a society or a people.

The isles and racks of moderately affordable supplies such as shirts, toys, and DVDs keep us all sane. God bless the clerks who always know what to do when something goes wrong. God bless all the nice men, women, and children who stand in long lines full of joy in their hearts for the coming feast of christmas. Always patient, always full of dignity. Without you we would forget the true meaning of the holidays...which I know many people pretend to know. They said stuff like, "your family" or "friends." But you know what? I talked directly with G-O-D, or the G-ster and SHE told me this.

The true spirit of the holidays is (inaudible)

She was eating cereal, Apple Jacks, and I didn't quite catch what she said but I nodded and pretended I did. Then we watched Terminator 2 on TBS together.

ProffesorChaos23: so r you unlactosed yet?
Lactaid Lady: no how could that happen?
ProffesorChaos23: pixies
Lactaid Lady: you make a very good point

Word up.

I've recently decided I'mmo put together to "book" of things I've written. This will include many of these posts. I've been going through old posts and have realized that I'm hilarious. And I mean that in the most egotistical way imaginable. I can tell why people come crawling back day after day because they just aren't capable of the comedy that seems to just ooze from my GORGEOUS self. In case you didn't pick up from that last sentence, I'm also aREAL good looking. So good looking that others try to steal my face. It's true! When they do I take out my bible and tell them that it tis a sin to be full of envy and to steal. So I'm also kinda like a saint, preaching the good word n such.

Saint Lady Fantastic. I'd like to see the following things in my stain glass mural:

1. a kitty
2. french toast
3. a hummer
4. tony danza
5. a mullet on either myself or tony danza

Send your art work to the Church of Awesome care of:
Lady Fantastic/Colleen Evanson
Ithaca College - Tallcott 101
Ithaca, NY 14850

So i got back from Indiana today. 10 hour drive that after awhile makes you forget there is a life of civilization beyond winding cement. Anyway, I get back and I'm wicked hungry. Do I get to eat? No. I have improv from 5-7. Good times. Get back and wanted to make some instant thai food. Open up the package and realize it involves boiling water and the veggy sauce. At this point I contimplate ordering it. Then I realize, you know what, you are 20 you should have the skills to do this as well as the patience to do it. I find the pots, pans, and measuring cup. I boil the water, simmer the sauce, add the noodles, and wait. It's done, I strain the noodles, put the sauce on top, dig my fork in....and.....

it totally wasn't good. I didn't quite cook the noodles enough I just assumed it was long enough. After the second attempt at eating it I realized this wasn't going to work. I'm simply not supposed to be cooking. I'm supposed to be supporting our economy and those who work to make food by ordering thai instead.

and it was good.

I would also like to inform everyone that once again Economics is rearing it's ugly head in my direction. Not only is it staring uncomforably at me for an extented period of time which makes it awkward but it's raising it's arm and pointing a strong finger at me. The finger, though lacking a mouth, manages to tell me that I'm "going down." Then the eyes of Economics get wide with anticipation of the kill and it nods its head real slow.

I'm screwed.

I recieved this in my email and thought I would share:


Dear Lady Fantastic,

My name is Dr. Candy Richardson and I am an associate professor at Ithaca College in the Department of Classical Studies. Being that you are one of the Classiest Ladies on the IC Campus, I was wondering if we could possibly sit down for an interview. You, Lady Fantastic, are one the best examples I have ever seen of pure class and dignity embodied in a human being without any training what so ever. We at the DCS have talked to the DCU and apparently you are still at 100% dignity with a 15% bonus. That is almost unheard of. Please Lady Fantastic, grace us with your presence.

We will be in touch,
Candy Richardson PHD

I responded with:

I'm please my reputation has gotten around, I put up some flyers but it looked like most of them were taken down the next day. Why? I am unsure. I would love an interview with you as well as getting involved with the Department of Classical Studies. My schedule is rather busy full of good deeds and prestige. Just let me know where and when suits you and hopefully it will work out.

Lady Fantastic
"May dignity be your grace."
____________________________________________________
I'll keep you posted to see how the interview goes.

A couple of things.

Thank you american for chosing a leader who is really open minded and all for pollution and homophobia, that's awesome. I'm glad that we've really learned from history that oppressing people who are considered "different" has always worked. Second if the Roe vs. Wade court case is over turned I'm so happy that middle aged white men get to decide what I can do to my body as a woman. That's choice.

I'm happy we are all for freedom and individuals because if we weren't, man that'd be hypocritical.

Four more years of the most elequent and educated leadership in a LONG time. Can't wait.

Oh and finally we can get rid of the big threat from Iraq. I was so worried for a bit that gas prices would just continue to rise.

**This post is brought to you by sarcasm****