I'm back on the island. Working at Ralph's so if ya'll wants some ice come along. Ok so one of the most exciting things I have learned is how to discover one's Jedi name. Yes, I am a nerd, let's get past that but this is pretty awesome. So I was told that you take the first THREE letters of your Last Name and add the first TWO letters of your First Name to it. Then combine the first THREE letter of your birthplace/town you are from (i'm unclear which one specifically it is), with the first TWO letters of your Mother's Maiden name.

Example:

Colleen + Evanson = Evaco
Lake Grove + McGrath = Lakmc

My name is Evaco Lakmc. I encourage you all to post your names here to see whose is choice and whose is lame.

Mine is pretty choice, but then again, I'm probably biased.

Also I've compiled a list of some of the best things humans have been a part of. Here it is.

1. Ice Cream
2. Massage
3. BBQ flavored chips

Sometimes I wonder if aliens (or alie-ums) exist that they would be fascinated by our eyes, since they are neither huge, nor one color. That whole concept has the potential to blow they undoubtedly more advanced minds clear out of their enlarged skulls. Also the fact that we have actual genitalia. That might confuse/gross them out.

I'm going to attempt to appease all with the following essay. Read the comments from the last post before proceeding.

My Essay about Some Stuff in Life

From what I skimmed over from a website that came up after I googled "Hemingway 'A close" (I didn't feel like typing the whole title), it seems the poem described a conversation between two guys. One of which is old, the other is a waiter. Here check it out:

"Last week he tried to commit suicide," one waiter said.

Jee, thanks Debby Downer. Though I didn't bother to read much of it I think it would be way better if the two guys talked about something else or didn't really talk at all. How about this...

The waiter hands the old guy a check for his meal.
The old dude is nodding off.
The waiter nudges him.
The old guy farts kinda loud but can't hear it because his hearing aid is down.
The waiter doesn't breathe in as he walks away.

I dunno about you but that is way better. As for this guy Samuel Johnson, his name is pretty close to Samuel L Jackson. So once this story gets adapted into a script I think we can cast him as the old guy. But I bet he won't want to be the old guy because he wants to be hip so I'll let him be the waiter and the old guy can get played by Hugh Downs, previously seen on 20/20 because I think America would like to see him again, it's been awhile.

You know I bet he knows something about James Joyce and this thing he wrote called "Araby." Hugh was always full of worldy knowledge. Also I think he could school Barbara Walters any day. I dunno if she still does 20/20. I havent seen it in years because its on the same time as Fear Factor. However, if she did leave, I think the producers at ABC should get together and get a reunion royal together. Walters vs. Downs. They could arm wrestle, or see who can eat applesauce the fastest, or have a dizzy bat race. I bet ratings would soar.

So as for others literary things, I remember reading Green Eggs and Ham in elementary school. I probably read Run Spot Run since I vaguely remember it was about a dog but other than that I think that book sucked. Plus there are tons of books about dogs already, so not original. But I'll tell you who is unique, Dr. Suess (and that fool isn't even a doctor). I can totally quote Green Eggs and Ham without google. Check it out:

"'Hey you want some green eggs and ham?' said this guy.

'No I will not eat them with a fox, I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them here or there I will not eat them anywhere. But I'll never turn down a tuna melt because those are pretty awesome,' said the other guy in the book."

I think this book is the best because I got to make up some other lines in it. I'm pretty sure the use of the ever so popular deli delight combination of tuna, cheese, and toasted bread is accessable to most people since just about everyone has probably tried it at some point. If you don't like tuna then maybe you aren't a person. You could be a robot. Though I have no proof that robots can't eat tuna fish, if I recall a scene from A.I. by Steven Spielberg correctly that kid who was a robot couldn't eat anything because, well I dunno why. I think the dad in the scene said he would short circut or something. But no matter how hard that kid tried to be a real boy he couldn't. So sorry robots, there is no hope.

This makes me wonder if there are people in the world who are actual people but wish they could become an emotionless robot. One way they might try to turn themselves into a machine could be listening to Mr. Roboto and doing the robot move where you walk all stiff. It's pretty popular to freeze your whole body and just move one arm.
If this is too hard to understand you could look into getting a helper monkey. I'm sure this friendly critter could help you look it up online because monkeys are pretty smart. You know, most people don't realize we actually came from monkeys. But I do because I'm smart thanks to the keen reporting of Hugh Downs. Man, that guy was awesome. I really hope he isn't dead. That would suck.

In conclusion, literature isn't as good as television. Lots of people own TVs, almost no one owns books. In fact one may say that books are the tools of the devil and I'd have to agree. Education is important and all but so is Must See TV which hasn't been as good since Friends left but that Joey, oh man, he's hilarious and he's totally making lots of money and I bet he doesn't even know what a book is. So there.

So I wanted to update but I hath no idea what to write about. As such, how about we do some interactive blogging. You give me things to talk about or to use in a story. Consider it my blog final.

Yesterday my friend Jess and I discussed the word "probably." This is a pretty choice word. When used properly in a sentence it can equate emmense hilarity.

Why it is so funny? Well it completely undermines the gravity of any situation.

For example, let's say you are sitting in a field minding your own business. Over the hill you see what looks like a man running toward you. Suddenly a UFO appears and abducts this man. You think to yourself, "that's probably not good."

Or let's say you are having a romantic evening with your significant other. They slip out of their seat onto one knee. They show you a ring and say, "I think we should probably get married."
If this happens to you I think you should probably say no.

Discuss.

Dear Smoothies,

Thanks for being so awesome.

Love,
Colleen

A while back whilst my parents were here in Ithaca I bought a shirt that said, "Islam is Gorges." Now here in Ithaca there are plenty of shirts that read: "Ithaca is Gorges" since there are many gorges here and many consider them to be quite gorgeous.

This shirt only ran about 3 bucks so I figured why not. Today I broke it out after a long period of staying in my dresser. At first I thought, I hope people don't take me seriously like I'm some kind of activist. Then I figured most who knew me would get it. What I didn't think about was the awkward new guy over at Taste of Thai asking me something on the way out.

awkward guy: "Does Islam have gorges?"
me: "What?"
awkward guy: "Does Islam have gorges or is that just a joke."
me: "It's a joke."

and scene...

I have a comment about the mustache and glasses disguise. You are not fooling anyone. The nose only coming in one color does next to nothing. PLUS the glasses have no actual glass in them.

Check minus

I know that just about everyone hates traffic. I have the perfect solution: Giants.
I wish we had some giants because even though we humans are capable to clearing the road it takes us way too long. Do you realize how quickly traffic jams would be fixed if we had Giants? They would just walk over, and lift away the car like a crane...done.

Truely the only problem is that he or she has to stay happy or we might get our cities crushed. So we have to find a giant that feeds off doing good deeds.

Next problem is where does it live? Well at first I thought in a volcano or mountain, but with overpopulation being what it is we'll probably need that space. Then I got to thinking, earth is something like 70% water. So it can live in the ocean, that way if it crushes anything when it does its daily routine it's the ocean floor and we don't see that anyway.

In conclusion, all you ocean savvy good deed doing Giants need to come to earth. We needs you. I promise that we won't kill or abuse you.

Love
Colleen

If there was a way to directly inject thai food into my veins I would seriously consider it for at least 2 minutes.

2 things:

1. I think an awesome name for a band is Remnants of a Unibrow.

2. I was in Walmart today and as we were getting checked out I checked out the cashier. She had two chins and both had a beard. And if that's not enough there was also a train for a mustache. She CLEARLY has to shave just about everyday and that sucks. I then began to think about all the stupid thin girls who think they are fat and go to the gym religiously thinking no one will love them unless they look like models. This poor woman must have a tragically low self esteem level. Those skinny girls don't know the half of it. It could be WAY worse than having non perfect abs. So chill the F out. At least you don't have to shave both your chins.

I feel really bad for this woman. These are the people Fox prays on with crap like The Swan.

A conversation with Mom:

Evshouse: Speaking of knocked out-I stupidly hit my forehead with the car door on Sat. and have a nice scratch--ouch!
Lactaid Lady: score
Lactaid Lady: thats gotta make you feel smart
Evshouse: thats not exactly what i said
Evshouse: i lost my dignity for the day!
Lactaid Lady: did anyone see you do it?
Evshouse: not that i know of
Lactaid Lady: bc the act alone doesn't warrent too much dignity loss
Evshouse: good
Lactaid Lady: but if someone catches you, thats when more goes
Evshouse: i see
Lactaid Lady: if I was a professor I would try for years to teach a class on Dignity
Lactaid Lady: theories n such

If anyone knows of a college looking to hire let me know, I'm sure I'm MORE than qualified to teach whatev I find amusing.

Whenever I venture into my New and Emerging Diseases class, which is every MWF from 11-11:50am, I get the treat of seeing my good friend Dan Stermer. He is taking the class Pass/Fail, something I should have done now that I'm pulling a strong C- to D (completely ridiculous but that's another story).

"Why is this a treat?" You ask quizzically. Well friend, Dan blatantly doesn't pay attention. He reads books, draws on my notes, and mostly goes to sleep. Now I have been sleepy in many classes during my time in school. I really get a kick out of how people attempt to sleep.

This class is a big lecture. We sit in large accending rows which are usually full. As a teacher, you can glance through the crowd and easily spot those who are zoning out, taking notes, being studious, and oh I dunno conveniantly covering their eyes with their hands, or how about just putting their head down in their crossed arms?

I know these techniques because I myself have done them, and you know you have too at some point. I don't know who we think we are kidding. No matter how many students are in a lecture hall the teacher will scan the audience from time to time and you will stick out like a sore thumb.

What I find especially amusing is watching people fade into sleep, their heads start to fall down, but then it snaps back into "No I'm awake" mode. Truely fabulous. I love watching someone fight it. The battle royal for consciousness.

A couple of things.

1. How the hell are you supposed to fold the sheets that go around the mattress? Its, like, unpossible to make it look neat in the folding process.

2. This weekend fellow RA Jess and I were having a converstion about heaven and the like. At one point I asked, "What if heaven was a mall?"

2.5 Also when getting into past lives I discussed how if such a thing existed, and I think it could because G-man would probably be all over recycling of souls (keeps cost down on energy and pollution), we both agreed that we would want to be in another universe. Not that the Milky Way is bad, but you know, just gotta check out the neighborhood. Maybe be an alie-um next time 'round. Could be fun, abductin hillbillies n such.

Last week Risa, an old RA friend, came to visit. On Wed. she took Mary and I out for drinks. It was there I had my first shot. Sadly it took me three tries to get it down. Now before you judge, it was a double that was toppped off with whip cream, thus creating a barrier. But I pressed on...determined. And in the end glory was achieved.

Then I went home and did my homework. Hizzah for learning!

I know I'm a dirtbag for not updating in forever. I know these things. Don't get mad. I'm trying.

Over spring break I was able to view the trailer for Star Wars Episode III. And I must inform everyone that I am unable to handle how good it's going to be. I geek right the hell out when I watch it. It's easy to think that well she must be a giant Star Wars nerd. But you would be wrong. Yes I enjoy the movies and think being a Jedi is all that and then some, but I have never crossed the line of dressing up like any characters or doing some role playing thing.

However I did think of the most lame/nerdy tattoo in all the land:

A lower back tattoo of a lightsaber, possible even two of them creating an X


that's all I got. If you would like to geek out as well please check out this site
http://movies.channel.aol.com/feature/starwars/trailer.adp?type=lrg

Til then, I'm outtie nerds.

So it appears I won't become the most notorious cop killer in all the land, nor will audition to become a rapper. DRAT! Damn you legal system for reinstating my faith in the law.

I went into court to contest my double whammy tickets. Court wasn't even court, it was more like a hallway with a table and a late 20-year old cute guy in a suit sitting down. I thought he was there just to help with my paperwork before going into see a judge. So we were small talking and I was comfortable. Next think you you he throws out my driving with expired license, and reduces my speeding no questions asked. It comes up that I was on my way to renew it and he was like, no way get out! Then he realized it was my first ticket and said, "oh that must have been tramatic." To add to this miracle, he looked at the officer's name who write the tickets and said, "oh he's scary isn't he?" I was like YES! In a matter of minutes my 400 dollar tickets and 6 points on my license were reduced to 100 and 3 points.

And there was much rejoicing in the stairway on the way out.

Hi all.

Sorry its been awhile. Last week I was emotionally roundhoused by the law. Now I'm not great with numbers but seriously what are the odds that the first time you get pulled over you are on your way to renew your license which is expired by a week? Add onto that, what are the odds the po-po will be a JERK to you. 2 tickets later I'm on my way back to school, sans my new license.

Now I know what all those rappers are talking about when they say "F the police." F them. F them indeed.

Don't worry, I plan to fight the man. That date is set:

Wed. Feb 23, 12pm
Ithaca Court House

I'll be hopin' and a-wishin' that I don't have to pay 300. I'm hoping the fact that I've been a good person for most of my life will bail me out. If not, well then I'll become a notorious cop killer.

As of late I have been hanging out with fellow RA Jessica Blasko quite often. As many of you already know, at times, I fart and it is clear that even if I do not smell it, I probably delt it.

On one such night on the third floor of Tallcott Hall Jess and I were in her room. At this time I decided to do a scissor kick and whilst in the air, fart. At this, Jess lost her mind a bit. I paraphrase:

"Oh My God. Oh my God. You have taken farting to a whole new level. It's like an art form."

Some of my other works of art include purposely dropping a blanket and then while bending over, cutting one. Doing a semi-slip. And of course let's not forget, walking like a wooden toy soldier.

I think I should take this show on the road.

Bday update:

Dignity remained intact. Until of course I began to throw up in my mouth. Oh and that time when I took off my shirt for a high five. And then off course when I blacked out, woke up in the woods, had to sell my clothes for a ticket back to Ithaca, once I got there pictures were posted all over campus with my FULL name, address, zodiac sign, hobbies, etc.

Despite all that I still think I'm one classy lady.

(I hope by now you realize the above in the un-truth)