Second Grade Journal entry:

I think March is a windy month because:

Sometimes I have to wear my hevy jacket. You can fly your kite in March. A lot of kids wear pants.

I'm pretty sure most of the things said about March are accurate to this day. Especially the pants stuff.

Second Grade Journal entry May 1, 1992:

The best thing about my mom is....

She Love's me, and she is nice when I get hert. When my brother bites me. When I get a skratch. And when I give her something.

(then written randomly at the bottom of the page)

Is eneyone in?

Ok there is a lot going on here. First of all most of those "sentences" suck in that they aren't sentences at all. My spelling is, well, atrocious - I mean it's not amazing now but at least I can spell anyone.

But perhaps the worst thing is that the teacher would check all these entries so my mom must have looked kinda bad since according to this she only really liked me when I bribed her.

To lack of time and energy I am going to default to earlier works of mine done in the second grade, as I believe it is some of the funniest things I have ever written. The spelling errors are real - but to those who frequent that shouldnt be any surprise.

Some days in class would start with a topic to which I would then reply.

Write an invitation to an Indian boy or girl for the first Thanksgiving:

Dear Waterflower,

Can you come to the first Thanksgiving at my howes? At 5:00 on a tuesday?

I'm sorry - Thanksgiving, on a TUESDAY?! Umm...No, never happened. Also why does the Indian have some hippy name?

My father and I once had a conversation about how handy it would be if farts were color coded. Blue wouldn't be all that bad, green should be avoided, and red is too pungent to be inhaled. It would be like the terror alert system.

I feel I am sitting on a pioneering idea for the future and after someone else invents a pill I'll sue them claiming it was mine. I'm figuring that I'll prob win.

Now for the second installment of the second grade poems:

"The cat ate.

The big slowly angrily cat ate with a fork and spoon. THe black and white cat scrached the door ever day. A dog told him he was stupid

The End"

I'm thinking I should go to an open mic night and read some of this genius material.

"The tall muscular sadly man ran slowly and sadly home to his stupidly crazily muscular wife."

-Colleen Evanson 1992

My first night back at Ithaca I had quite the dream experience. Now I have recently got into Law & Order of the SVU kind. However, I had not watched any in at least 24 hours if not more so before I hit the hay. Well guess what? I had a dream about it.

Here's the thing, the images are hazy but basically I was on the set a lot with the actors, mainly Mariska Hargitay aka Det. Olivia Benson, whom apparently I had rapidly become good friends with. She hugged me when I arrived on set and then I assume we had a really fun hang out and BS session, then she'd hug me bye and insist that I stop by later.

But then, somehow my dream morphed and it was like I was on the show because suddenly I was in what looked like a psych ward with jail like overtones. Naturally I began to panic because clearly I didn't belong there, though some may disagree. At this point I was visited by the actual character of Olivia Benson, or so it seemed. Since she was now my good friend I voiced my concerns in a rather paniced and scared tone. She said she'd help me out.

Now for the best part. For some reason I had some type of roommate in this psych ward and she was for real crazy as in Ca-RAY-zee. Though I didn't witness exact examples of how crazy, I innately knew she was no good. So Olivia comes and visits me again and I tell her I have to get out of there because I'm scared she's going to kill me and once again, I didn't belong here. GET ME OUT!

Then I woke up. At first I was pretty confused, a second later I was thinking, "Oh man how awesome I'm good friends with a celebrity." Only to realize the harsh reality that it wasn't real and didn't happen.

So now if I ever run into Mariska it will prob be super awkward.

Many families take part in tradition, or the passing down of stories/skills from one generation to another. The Italian teach about spaghetti, the Chinese about rice, the Spanish about salsa and nachos, and the Irish of course teach how to never be tan. When guess what? I'm Irish. And beyond this innate gift is yet another that up until recently I felt was a skill only I was capable of.

You see when I was a young lass my cousins Adam and Eric taught me how to make fart noises with both my hands. You press them to your mouth and blow. It's really quite simple. But I discovered when I did this that I could achieve fart noises with just one hand. This comes in handy when I want to create the hilarity of a realistic fart.

Well it seems that only an Evanson has the power to achieve the one handed fart, for whenever I show friends, they try it and fail. Yet all on his own, without my teachings, little Shawn Evanson has been able to achieve this skill. It appears that the fake fart is strong with my family.

I'm a pretty fast walker. I'm able to pass a lot of people if I'm in a hurry or walking down a city block. It's almost like driving. I'm not saying that I speed when I drive because I can't really go over 80MPH due to the 14 year old car I drive. You see much like old people my car will shake. But back to walking, which also to keep with the old people motif - they can't really do to well, but I can. Now the only thing that will really stop me from walking past another person involves one of three things.

1. There are too many people blocking the way.

Most of the time they go pretty slow as well which annoys me even more, and when there is a break I'll walk super fast like I'm trying to hint that its annoying only they dont really care.

2. They themselves are walking pretty fast.

Now I could probably pass them, only we're walking about the same pace only I'm alittle bit faster and once I do pass them it will take awhile to do so, about 5-8 seconds which means they will at one time notice that I am right next to them and look over. I assume this will be an awkward moment of eye contact. As if they'll get really annoyed I'm passing them, like I'm Mrs.Fasty Walk Fastlots or something. Big hot shot. Once again I find when I do pass them, they for the most part, don't care.

3. I know the person up ahead.

If I'm good friends with them of course I'll meet up and chat. But often its more like someone I would rather say hey to in passing and that's it. There is nothing really more to say because let's be honest I was in that one class with you and that's it, or I talked to you a couple times bc you are a friend of a friend. You know those. (These may also be the same people on your buddy list that you never talk to but keep on the list in case of some emergency.)

So here I am in a hurry to walk to where I need and there is this person and I can't really pass them while going somewhere which means I'd look like a bitch if I pretended I didn't see them, plus if I get caught I'll have to pretend I didn't which I may or may not pull off. And in either case I'd have to engage in a forced conversation to waste time.

What makes it worse is if they are going the same way I am and they are walking REALLY slow. There is just no escape. And I have to walk even slower to stay at a decent distance behind bc if I get too close they might hear my footsteps and turn around, then WHAM! I'm stuck. Sometimes I will actually have to stop a bit, only that's weird too, so I'll pretend my shoe is untied or suddenly start rummaging through my bag for nothing.

It's a tough life as a fast walker...who mainly walks around a college campus where I know some people. Let me tell you, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Awhile ago I was sitting in my friend Wendy's dorm room. It was late, around 2am, when we got into a conversation about life. She asking what the point of life is if so many people are forgotten. Think about it. There are about 100 amazing people who are known around the world. Some for politics, some for music, some for arts. Its so hard to become someone like that, especially now when so much has been done/invented. Imagine how terrible it must have been to be a caveman. They didn't really get any credit for anything because no one knows their actual names. So the one genius who thought of fire, the wheel, or even early language, is associated along with the rest of the broad foreheaded, furry people. That sucks.

I've been away visiting middle america. Chicago is a rather choice city. Dare I say, it's an improved NYC; not as much trash, homeless folk, nicer people, right on the lake, and get this...you can actually hear what they say on their transportation system!

I also saw Omaha Nebraska. Good place to live, not visit. Overall I'd say it's flat.

But what I really wanted to discuss was a conversation had whilst at work. One of my co-workers turned to me last night and asked, "What would you do if I had dessert tarrets?"
I pondered for a moment and stated, "I'd probably get hungry and then really mad at you for saying all these delicious desserts that I couldn't have."

Think about it. You know it's true. I feel it's almost like watching Iron Chef. This is a truely amazing show dubbed over to english and when many people will stop channel surfing and give out an excited yelp of joy. But the thing you don't realize when you tune in is that you get to watch how they make all this food BUT you don't get to eat it. And it looks so good! There must be a way to have an interactive show. I hope we are able to figure out a way to do that. There must be some scientist out there willing. I mean, if someone invented motion control paper towel dispensers, I'm sure getting a cooking show to actually cook for you is plausible.

Today at work we listened to a Wilson Phillips song. You know, that group of three girls who sing that song about holding on for one more day. Yeah that's it. When I was about eight, I used to listen to them. This was all before I knew what good music was. Now when the song plays I think, 'wow they are lame.'

Also why Wilson Phillips? Why would you think an old mans name is a good idea.

Answers are welcome.

I'd imagine it would be quite awkward to witness a blind person performing a stand up comedy act of observational comedy. They'd be like, "have you ever lost your keys and felt all your tables looking for them?!" It would be even more awkward if they were standing away from the mic and at one point realized it, then tried to find it with their stick and knocked it over.

ouch.

This whole idea came about while watching Daredevil which is probably the worst superhero film ever. It's a pathetic shadow of what a successful blockbuster is. At one point Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have an elaborately awkward karate fight at a playground with children watching.

Recently I have thought it might be loads o' fun to re-record music for certain parts in movies/tv series that initially are pretty powerful moments and play music over them making them cliche.

Here is what I have so far:

1. recent season of 24 has Jack walking away, alone at the end of the series, wearing a pretty choice pair of aviators. I think at this point a song should kick in that I'm sure most are familiar with at this point in the year. Yes, that's right, Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Particularly the part that goes, "I walk a lonely road..."

2. Titanic when the ship is snapping in half and people are falling into the water. Play the song "I went to the danger zone."

3. In Star Wars Episode III while Anakin is staring out thinking of his lady friend who is gazing out thinking of him. He cries a little as he is deciding to basically turn to the dark side. And cue Five for Fighting's "Superman (its not easy)." I think this part works pretty well; "I’m only a man in a silly red sheet,Digging for kryptonite on this one way street,Only a man in a funny red sheet,Looking for special things inside of me, It’s not easy to be me."

That's all I got so far but I think it's quite a start.

As I drove back from dropping off my brother, I saw a man on the side of the road. There were several things out of place about him. Number one, he was walking with his bike. Perhaps something broke on it so he was forced to travel on foot. Number two he had an eye patch. Number three, the eye patch wasn't over his eye, but resting just above his eyebrow. Here in lies the biggest concern.

Why an eye patch? Don't you need good depth perception when riding any mobile? Not that I don't think people lacking one eye aren't capable of everyday things. I just feel this makes it harder, which perhaps is why he got off the bike in the first place. Except I have the distinct impression that since the eye patch wasn't acually on his eye that he indeed has his eye.

There was no other pirate gear found. So was he pretending to be missing an eye just for fun? Is he actually a pirate undercover who sometimes likes to wear an eye patch because he really isnt considered a pirate by his other swash buckling peers?

So much mystery.

There is this man who comes to work every couple of days in the afternoon. My first encounter with him, he got out of his truck, his ratty shirt clung to his enlarged belly. He leaned on the counter casually and before we could ask, "Can I help you?" he blurted out, "What's mickey mouse? A dog or a cat?" We were all confused if he was referring to a flavor of ice before we understood he was one of those older guys with the funny uncle like jokes.

He then proceeded to bust out a rhyme. At one point he claimed, "This shit is the shit" and just as my brain began to freak out, he used the word "dooby." From that point on its really all a blur. My mind didn't know how to properly process this information.

I'll leave it to the words of the man I like to call the Crazy Old Rapper:

"You heard of 50 cent? I'm 58."

The past couple of days my eye has been twitching. Only one, and I believe the tremors are coming from the lower lid. This is rather annoying. I was at work and felt it going as I was serving a customer. I wonder if they could notice. Would they think I was trying hard to wink at them? Or did it just look crazy? Did they even notice?

Which brings me to another thought I had at work. Now there are times in the summer when it is very hot. People at this time, often want something cool like, oh I dunno, an Italian Ice to cool them off. Now there are times when it seems the whole town shows up, perhaps even people are birthed from the street, notice we seem to be under staffed and rush to get food.

I have been thinking how glorious it would be if one night, while the line is wrapping around the block, that we close the window, place a sign on it saying, "Screw all ya'll" and proceed to walk by eating ice while smiling and waving. Sometimes I play it out in my mind and it is truely a sight to behold.

If you look back at some old sitcoms you will see that most kid acting involved the kid speaking very loud, then canned laughter followed. I noticed this while VH1 ran 100 Greatest Kid Stars. I must say VH1 really turned around. I remember when all they played was Diva's Unplugged with Whitney Houston and Celine Deon. That and Rod Stewart videos. Now it's full of clip shows with commentary from comedians and actors. Instead of watching something and making smart ass comments with friends, they do it for you! AMAZING!

PS - I heard Tom Cruise freaked out today about scientology, no offense to them but they are cra-zay.

To all scientologists: Please don't kill me for the above comment.

Whose idea was the lunge?

There is this movie coming out called High Tension and although I have never heard of it before I'm sure the previews/ads for it aren't lying when they say it's good. It involves some skinny blonde woman who is getting chased by some murderer with a chain saw. At one point it looks like she screams as she runs through the woods. PLUS it's night time. And it's different from all those other thriller/horror movies because she has SHORT blonde hair.

So probably most of middle america will think she's gay.