The next time someone bothers you enough that it makes you want to exclaim "shut your pie hole!" Please consider using this new very elaborate version...

I want you to go to the ATM, preferably one from your own bank so you don't get a fee. Then head over to House of Pies and buy a slice of pie with your cash as it's a "cash only" family establishment. Get the pie to go. Drive carefully back to your place of residence so the pie doesn't get ruined. Unwrap the pie, place it on a plate and grab a fork or spoon depending on what you picked up. For example, I'd use a spoon if it was a banana creme pie, but probs a fork for butter pecan (it really is all about texture). Take a big ol' bite and place the deliciousness into your pie hole (aka mouth). Now close your pie hole - this should be difficult since the piece you took was so big. Then choke on the pie.

Now I know it's a very involved insult and not to mention - mean. So please only use sparingly for those who hold a special angry little place in your heart.

I like to play this game at work where you attach a celebrity's last name onto a vague first name. Now I know that sounds confusing so let me elaborate. My boss says, "Hey, Colleen can you get me John on the phone?"

Then I reply only loud enough for my co-worker Vivian to hear, "John Travolta?" She replies, "John Stamos?" I giggle. She wins.

It happens at any time so we are basically always in play. There is no limit to the amount of suggestions you can make or the number of people who can play. It's kind of awesome because there are times when you are caught off guard. Like today when I dialed someone for my boss and then to tell him this person was on the line I yelled out, "Keith!" To which Vivian quickly added, "Keith Olbermann?!" I wasn't expecting it and definitely cracked right away.

Additionally, a "Molly" was thrown out today and I added on both Molly Shannon and Molly Ringwald. This then spawned a conversation about how she looks kind of weird now. Our intern asked if there was something wrong with her. Vivian, continuing her day of zingers, replied quite matter of fact, "No, she just got fat."

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you. Last weekend while waiting in line for brunch at The Griddle Cafe where they serve the largest pancakes known to man - this happened.



*NOTE: Jasmine is not her real name, neither is Johnna. Why lie? Well I suppose they thought that despite his rap lyric claiming otherwise, he was a dirty old man.

PS - How much do you like the Mad Hatter hat? And yes, I did show him some love with a little help from my friend George Washington.

It's been awhile since I watched Fox's completely over produced reality show, Hell's Kitchen. Back in the day my cousin Pat and I used to watch and laugh, but let's be honest we also kind of wanted to see who won. I think Gordon Ramsey is entertaining but America has branded him in such a comedic way in comparison to his BBC shows - which allow him to act like a normal human being. Don't get me wrong, there is still plenty of yelling, but in NO WAY does the BBC allow for such opening credit shenanigans as can currently be found on this season of Hell's Kitchen.

If you haven't seen it. Do yourself a favor and watch it. The mugging is just out of control, especially when one contestant is surfing a computer animated wave of fire on a large cutting knife. Need I say more?

It's official. I'm now a hippie Californian.

Last night I rode my bike down to the Whole Foods and picked up Hemp Butter. (It's like Almond Butter, but vegan.)

I know, I'd roll my eyes too...

Just wanted to say I witnessed David Hasselhoff (AKA "The Hoff") in the flesh today. Gotta say, he wasn't nearly as bloated looking as I was expecting. He was no Baywatch, but still...good for him!

Cue theme music...

"Some people stand in the darkness,
afraid to step into the light!"

Tonight I was trying to go to sleep when this wonderful smell of a warmed dessert involving some kind of Oreo treat wafted through my window and into my nose.

First of all, it was really late so that's going RIGHT to your thighs. Second, it happened at least twice and I doubt sharing was involved. Third, Oreos are one of my fave cookies so -

IT. WAS. TORTUOUS.

Yesterday I was having dinner with a friend and we were discussing dreams. Them things are crazy! I shared a few of mine that featured celebrities and then started to wonder...

Many of us have had some kid of celebrity dream in our lifetime, a few of mine have featured Meryl Streep and Marishka Hargitay (both the actress and the TV character Olivia Benson - I believe it was prompted by a Law & Order: SVU marathon). And yet I wonder, did they dream of me? Do celebrities have dreams of us common folk?

My old boss was friends with Marishka and I always wondered if she came to visit him and we locked eyes, if she'd know me somehow and then we'd obvs become best friends. I mean, that makes sense right? I'm sure it wouldn't be weird if I told her about my dream. I wouldn't sound crazy AT ALL.

Yesterday I got two, count 'em TWO (1+1) bloody noses. If you were to tally how many I have had in my lifetime it would be maybe 10. What gives? And I'll have you know, neither were prompted by getting punched in the face.

Immediately I want to say that it's the dry air or allergies - which I developed later in life - THANKS! But the nose bleeds oddly resemble what happened to one of my all time favorite TV characters from my all time fave show... Say it with me: The X Files. For those who didn't know already - I'm sure you are SHOCKED by this news. It's SO unlike me to be a giant sci-fi nerd. Weird.

I'm about to nerd out on you for a sec - please indulge me...

You see Agent Dana Scully was "abducted" in the second season and then in the third season she finds this chip in her neck. When she takes it out she starts to get sick with the cancer. She gets a tumor all up in her nasal passage and brain. She finds this out when she starts getting nose bleeds - GASP!

Now I haven't watched the show in awhile (I own all the seasons on DVD - another shock) but could it be my love for the visual majesty of this beloved Fox program has created a nexus with the characters that I am starting to share some of their fiction experiences? Perhaps Agent Scully and I are now connected a la E.T.. ("Elliott!")

Anyone have Mulder's digits on hand? I gotta make a call. And if the Cigarette Smoking Man comes to visit you, deny everything.

My favorite part of the day is right before I eat, and then once I'm done, it's the saddest part of the day because I have to wait at least 2 hours to eat again. So you can image how exciting it was for me to go wine tasting where they allow you to bring your own food and the 15 plus people in our party brought stuff. For awhile I was really good and ate fruits and veggies as well as assorted cheeses which were delish. But all the while I had my eye on some cupcakes that were visible through their tupperware containers.

Cut to them being broken out. To be honest the first one was semi-peer pressure. My friend had baked them and I was told there was a small chocolate chip cookie inside. It was then I was shown a new way to enjoy the cupcake. You take the bottom part off and place it on the top, making a kind of cupcake sandwich that helps contain the frosting. The person who showed me this move was a pro who confessed she ate a cupcake a week.

So that happened. Then about a half hour later more cupcakes were busted out. I was intrigued by the yellow cake cupcake with vanilla frosting and sugar sprinkles. I was halfway through it when it was brought to my attention that there were peanut butter cupcakes. As a lover of all things peanut butter I couldn't NOT eat one.

So that happened. I was amazed I ate 2 whole cupcakes since I don't really consider myself a big cupcake person. Though I do consider myself a dessert person.

SIDE NOTE: I basically don't trust anyone who doesn't like dessert. I mean, seriously? What's wrong with you? Are you a robot?! It's just not human I tell you.

Anyways, I realized there was still half an eaten cupcake and couldn't bare to see it thrown away. So yes, today I ate 3 cupcakes. But I'd like to think of it as insurance that I work out...

I recently got into a discussion in the "Would You Rather..." realm, which is always a good time. The full question was:

Would you rather look like a less attractive version of a celebrity known for being "hot" or a hot version of a mediocre looking celebrity? (For example, a less hot version of Brad Pitt or a hot version of Steve Buscemi.)

Most people picked the hotter version of someone, mostly because when someone tells you that it sounds better to your ego. I doubt anyone would be so blunt to say you are the ugly version of someone. Personally I'd go with the phrase, "you kind of look like Brad Pitt, but not."

Of course I'd prefer to be called the hotter version of someone, though I have been told I kind of look like Natalie Portman and/or Keira Knightley - hey, wait a sec!

I wanted to tell people a few things I find really annoying:

1. Hot girls on TV complaining that it's SUPER hard to meet guys. Yeah, OK.

2. Actors who get Knighted and then make people call them Sir...whatever. Example: Sir Ben Kingsley. Um, sorry but you are aware you only PLAYED Gandhi, you didn't actually do any of those things in real life.

3. People who have super specific phobias which are ridiculous like fear of jewelry. I'm sure it's very real and scary for them, but I mean, really?! There are too many people milling around when those kinds of phobias start happening AND get showcased on The Tyra Banks Show.

4. Tyra Banks.

Yesterday I was collecting my loose change, though if it's not a quarter I don't really know what to do with it. Of course I find a few pennies and as I spot the copper I think, "Can I just throw it out?" But it's money! So instead I decide to fool myself into collecting it with the false hope I would one day take them to the bank and get useful things like dollars or quarters.

As I collected a few pennies I noticed one was shinier than the rest. Upon closer inspection it didn't look like a penny as the back of it was some new kind of symbol. Naturally I thought it was foreign money and yet, it was in English. Wha???

It appears we got ourselves a new penny design that NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT. I remember talk about getting rid of the penny but instead it's now new and slightly lighter in weight. OR perhaps someone created a fake penny and snuck it in my bag to spy on me. It's probs a government plot to assassinate me. I'm not sure if you are aware but I'm kind of a big deal.

So for your viewing pleasure please enjoy this Captain America themed new penny back:

One of my co-workers has a date tonight. Naturally we wanted to hear all the deets about where they met this person and it turns out it was from speed dating. So once he left, I said, I hope he doesn't get murdered because let's be honest, you never know. Side note: I'd be genuinely bummed if he was.

Now I'm not saying that I WANT to be murdered but...(and I know this is a great way to start a rant)

IF I was murdered I'd hate for it to be a mundane one where I was just like shot for my wallet (ha, jokes on you!), or mistaken ID for someone they wanted to kill, or mugging gone wrong. We are so used to hearing those stories on the news it doesn't really stand out and it'd be really annoying to me. But if it was some elaborate or really messed up murder that then gets ripped from the headlines as a Law and Order: SVU episode plot, I'd be ok with it. I'm sure at the time it would suck but at least then I died so Marishka Hargitay could win another Emmy. You know what I'm saying?

The other day at work I was told there was a spider found in the kitchen that was so large you could see the many eyes and he was found rustling around in the granola bars container.

Um, ew.

I can't really tolerate the existence of spiders in general. If it's under an inch I can usually handle apologizing to it before squishing it to death with a double layered tissue. But this one, I've been told was about 3 inches. Now I consider myself a pretty strong woman and I'm glad I wasn't the one who found said spider because I'd probs freak the F out upon finding it. Especially in the kitchen. That's like, my favorite place at work.

Needless to say I won't be eating granola bars any time soon.

I attempted to watch Robin Hood over the weekend. I have to say that if I was a movie critic I would keep my reviews short and sweet. Robert and Ebert had it right. Thumbs up or down and you are done. Well, my reviews would be the simple elementary school check system so the whole family would know. Please see below:

Robin Hood: check minus

And just since I know you are all DYING to know the details of my life...
Addendum: I almost fell asleep twice before leaving. Also isn't Robin Hood supposed to NOT be 50 years old. I mean, really. C'mon now.

The past few weeks I've been busy at work and I haven't stayed on top of blogging or even better the news. I have to say I'm much happier without the news. I no longer get annoyed or frustrated by human beings and their endless shenanigans.

But I recently jumped back on the bandwagon and here are my highlights:

1. Giant Oil Spill - are we really going to try to clog it up with more crap? The Coast Guard wants to use shredded tires and golf balls. I feel like I should be working for SNL and write a "Really?!" segment. You are the Coast Guard, not a 5 year old child playing in the sink!

2. Another republican pretending he's not gay - oh no, this young male companion is just carrying my luggage...nothing suspicious happening here except you know, hypocrisy. I don't understand how people could even start to believe anything he's saying. Is your brain broken?

I really can't handle it anymore. I don't really think of myself as a pessimist but if I were God I'd shut this crazy ride down. Find the undo key. It's just more proof in my mind that it's all over in 2 years. Enjoy it everyone! I know I'm going to try to eat more ice-cream sandwiches, especially on Fridays because we all know calories eaten on Fridays don't count.

All I know is, God Bless Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. Without them I'd surely destroy my tv.

Yesterday it was really windy and it made me think of the phrase, it's "as useful as a fart in a wind storm."

Naturally I have a few issues. One being when is a fart useful in general?

Answer: I suppose to create an awkward situation between two strangers/co-workers. Also useful to clear a room - it has worked for both my dog and dad in the past.

Perhaps we're just using the phrase incorrectly and it should be "as undetectable as a fart in a windstorm." I mean, let's be honest, if you fart into the breeze, no one really knows but you and mother nature, who I'm sure isn't thrilled about it.

The other day whilst at work one of my co-workers was saying she didn't feel well. Being the self proclaimed hypochondriac that she is, she diagnosed herself as having possible meningitis. She claimed she felt sleepy and her neck was hurting. So I told her she was probably just turning into a vampire. I must add that we were outside at the time and she was complaining how bright it was.

I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Meanwhile when I asked what exactly meningitis was my other co-worker said, "I just think it's puffy. Something with your nerves is happening and you're puffy." After a WebMD search she concluded, "Ok, so everything I told you was probably wrong."

Thank God we would only write dialogue for doctors instead of actually being doctors.

So there appears to be this disease/disorder called Williams Syndrome. It's super rare but it biologically renders the person incapable of not trusting others. I'm not making this up.

http://www.scpr.org/news/2010/04/25/a-life-without-fear/

For the record I'd like to say that if/when I become a parent, this would be my worst nightmare because it would severely handicap my ability to talk to my own child since anyone who knows me is aware that half of what I say is sarcasm.