I know I've been away, family in town and general laziness. What can I say? Tis the season.

However, I would like to give you all a visual gift from the city of Los Angeles, compliments of my cousin Pat:

Well I don't know about you but my New Year's plans have just been ruined! F the po-lice!

This weekend I watched Troll 2. It's known as one of the best worst movies of all time. So bad, it's great kind of thing.

IT. DID. NOT. DISAPPOINT.

First of all it's called Troll 2 not because it's the sequel to Troll but because another movie named Troll came out and had some kind of mediocre success and the filmmakers wanted to capitalize on that, despite their movie being about GOBLINS (or kids/midgets in bad Halloween masks as seen to the left). You are dealing with genius here.

It's not enough that there are Goblins in this town called Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards - what!?). And it's not enough that these Goblins do a housing exchange program to get a family to come to their town so they can eat them. Oh no, these Goblins are vegetarians and they make people eat these big puffy green treats while they are disguised as humans with clover shaped birth marks. Once you eat these treats you morph into a plant so they can eat you. AKA have green food dye poured on your head.


Other personal highlights include (SPOILER ALERT):

1. The semi period piece opening of this Robin Hood like fellow being chased by these "Goblins" through the words to 80s movie montage music. Am I supposed to be scared?

2. A corn on the cob makeout scene where popcorn appears and buries the dude so much so that at the end he's covered in it and mumbles, "no more popcorn."


3. At one point the dad gets pissed at his son for not eating the goblin food and basically challenges him to a hunger strike claiming if he wants to go head to head with him he's got another thing coming because he has more experience with hunger pains from growing up and will tighten his belt to deal with the pain. Next morning, they are getting along fine. Bi-polar dad! Yaye!


4. There is a Stonehenge magical stone that wields, you guessed it, the goblins' magical power!

5, This woman's acting:


Deborah Reed is now on my radar.

Needless to say I loved every impossibly bad second of this and highly recommend. In some ways it's very inspiring to know someone wrote this whole thing down, convinced people to "act" in it, got a crew and money together and shot it. If THIS gets made, I actually might have a shot...

L.L. Bean gave me an early Christmas gift today. It's what I've always wanted: An ad for Mom Jeans!

Just $29.99?! You're right I CAN'T beat that price. Mostly because it's priceless. I know it's hard to read but they claim to have three types: Original Fit Relaxed (left), Original Fit Natural (center), and Original Fit Traditional (right). I've looked closely and the only real difference is how the model is half assedly posing.

Though they do explain at the bottom of the page how the Orginial Double L Jeans sits higher on the waist. AND as the bottom right hand side of the page indicates, it's available with reverse flannel, red fleece, AND red plaid flannel - talk about options! But it doesn't stop there, it's also available in a Comfort Waist, which as they say, "features subtle elastic sides for all-day comfort."

Subtle. Right.

Over the weekend something rather peculiar happened to me. On Saturday I played my usual game of Ultimate Frisbee with a bunch of guys who are much taller than me. I get knocked around, but nothing really bad. This Saturday I seemed to somehow have a target on me as people kept accidentally knocking into me. So much so that I began to catch the frisbee and then turn and duck away from the person covering me. I blame most of it on the fact that I'm like a foot shorter than most of the guys so when they run, they don't see me. I'm like a gnome to them.

That's not the peculiar part. I think it's best to break this thing down into time.

1:15pm: Start playing Ultimate frisbee.

2:30pm ish: I deflect a frisbee away from two players, we all fall to the ground un-injured. My hand might have been bumped in the collision but it doesn't hurt.

3:45pm: Ultimate Frisbee is over. I'm sweaty and kinda dirty but otherwise unharmed.

4:00pm: I pick up some stuff from Whole Foods, using my arms. All is well.

4:30pm: I bake some awesome gingerbread/flax muffins.

6:00pm: I watch The Shield and eat some dinner.

8:30pm: David Alex and I go to my friend Jana's birthday party downtown.

9:00pm: We get lost downtown.

9:10pm: We enter Villian's Tavern and I drink some liquored up Hot Chocolate out of a jar.

9:30pm: We mingle with the people. I chat with an already tipsy Jana.

9:45pm: My wrist starts to feel a bit stiff. I stretch it and hold my drink in my left hand instead.

10pm: I can't put my right arm down as the blood rush makes my hand and wrist throb.

10:15pm: I'm unable to successfully shake hands with anyone new I meet and have to give them the left hand which just confuses them further.

10:30pm: I'm convinced my wrist is sprained as I can't open my hand without pain.

10:45pm: I'm not looking forward to the potential ER visit for tomorrow since the only way I can function without pain is holding my arm up over my heart with a closed fist. Uh oh spaghetti-os.

12am: I have to sign for my tab with my left arm which def makes me look like I'm super drunk.

12:30am: I go to bed with a package of frozen peas and hope to God it's all better come morning.


And then....I wake up and can function better but there was still some pain so I go to brunch with my cousin and bring a bag of ice along. Then I watched 127 Hours with some friends and realized a weirdly hurting wrist is much better than having to cut off your arm because you got stuck in a boulder. I mean, it's pretty close to the same thing, but I think that guy wins.

Today I'm just about back to normal. Thank God!

Behold, one of the GREATEST photos of me EVER!


Yeah that's right! I'm going to need you to...

1. Be jealous of the lace bow tie.
2. Envy the bangs.
3. Don't act like you aren't familiar with the laser beams.

If I recall correctly the background choice was always between some grayish color, a bookshelf, and lasers. Hello. Of course I'm picking the lasers. All the cool kids were doing it. You know something JUST like this is proudly being hung in your family living room or den.

Now as much as I LOVE this photo, perspective makes me think, "How did this happen?" There's something mystical that occurs on photo day that makes us all think, "This is a great idea!" The early 90s are partly to blame. Second is really the parents because let's be honest, I'm five years old. I have NO idea what's really going on. Hence, the lasers.

This isn't really a new revelation or anything but I realized the other day that we spend the first half of our lives in school. Then you escape and no longer have papers or tests, you just have a job and bills n' such, but you are still free from the educational shackles. That is, until you have kids and then you have their homework to deal with.

So the average person only has like 10 years or so of non school related activities. Damn kids. Just another reason NOT to have them. Sorry potential child, I will love you one day but right now, I hate math more.

Also kids cost an average of 1 million bucks EACH. WHAT!? No wonder the gays have such nice stuff!

Thanksgiving was last week which meant a 3 day work week. Hells yeah! However, the best part is Wednesday evening going, "oh man 4 days off!" Cut to Sunday night being bummed that I can't sleep til 10am nor wear my PJs all day.

Highlights included:

I ate a delish homecooked meal at a co-workers which included an apple pie. I'm not even a huge apple pie fan but it was AMAZING. And since I played some ultimate frisbee earlier in the day I didn't feel bad eating more of it.

Half watching Despicable Me two times as I baked some vegan cookies - turns out there were fully lines I kept missing. I made oatmeal almond butter cookies which turned out quite nicely. Yet the Ginger/dark chocolate scones were more like pancakes, mostly because I forgot I used pancake mix. Oops. But I didn't let that stop me from eating them, however flimsy they are. Still good!

Half watching the original Tron which wasn't really as bad as I thought it would be. But you gotta love anything that cuts back to a scene with the title: "Back in the real world." And let's not forget the pong-tastic special effects.

Going into Banana Republic with no interest in buying anything and finding pants on sale for $18.99 from $79.90. After triple checking it was real and trying them on with success I went to the register with them and got another discount so they were only 15 bucks. If I bought those full price, I'd be pissed!

Lowlights:

You know what I didn't enjoy? Watching this season's The Office episodes on Hulu.com because they are no longer free. So now I'm not caught up. Thanks a lot internet! I mean, there are a ton of other websites I can watch it on but it WAS there and it WAS free forever. That's how they hook ya. Give you a free taste but the next one is full price. Hulu plus is like a drug dealer. Or at least what I know of drug dealers from TV shows like The Wire or Breaking Bad which I watch illegally online.

I woud like to complain for a second while being FULLY aware these are complete non issues, otherwise known as "white problems."

1. I have a lingering cold of some sort that occassionally makes it difficult for me to breathe through one nostril. This has been occurring for approximately one month. I live in California and somehow I've managed a cold in 70 degree weather. Though in my defense it's been more like 60 lately.

2. There's this weird semi sore thing happening to my right knee. I imagine it's the type of thing old people use to tell when it's about to rain.

3. There's a small zit on my cheek. Really face? You're gonna do that? OK fine.

4. I spent most of my day at work tracking down bagels that got shipped from New York which turned out to be not the cat's pajamas. They were ok but I know fresh NY bagels when I see them. These were NOT. I coulda picked that ish up at the store and pretended they were from the Empire State. (Also - on the NY topic, I know the license plate got changed like 5 years ago but not a fan of the blue and white. The white one with the red statue of liberty was much cooler.)

5. There are WAY too many cupcakes in my fridge right now. Yeah, I went there. Actually I went to a "cupcake camp" over the weekend with a friend. As we entered we were both like, "yeah, this is happening..." It was basically a mini conference event where people around the LA area had tables that sampled their cupcakes. There were TONS of them. I read online that you pay 15 bucks and get to eat cupcakes. I was down. Showed up and it was 20 bucks for 5 cupcakes which you pay the vendors with using tickets. 5 tickets = 5 cupcakes. OK this was NOT online but whatevs I drove down. When in Rome, right?

So my friend Jenna and I enter. We got there as people were starting to close up for the day and it was basically the best time ever because people were just GIVING the cupcakes away. They didn't care about the tickets. It was either give to us or the homeless people outside. And let's be honest, we were much cuter. It turned out to be the best 20 bucks ever spent. They gave us containers but we had to get more and then some. It was kind of ridiculous. Please observe:

Leaving the place with arms full of cupcakes was awesome at first but then you get home and fill the fridge with it and the sobering reality sets in. "Oh my God. I'm going to wind up eating ALL of these..." I pawned some off at work but there were so many I wanted to try and most people frown upon eating the rest of a half eaten cupcake.

I shall cap the complaints at five for today. You're welcome.

By the time Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows comes out tomorrow, I will have already seen it twice.


Is that a Gryffindor scarf? Yep, I'm a nerd. But what do you expect? Am I really going to turn down an advanced screening of the movie a week before it comes out even if I have to wake up at 7:30am on a Saturday to get in to see it AND even after I've already booked my tickets to see it at midnight?

C'mon.

This morning I was going through my usual routine of news websites so I can pretend I'm knowledgeable thanks to skimming headlines. I'm not sure what's worse, looking at a site with tons of new and then off to the side seeing these stupid fluff pieces on Best Worst Police Photos OR the fact that I always read those first, despite myself.

Today my curiosity was peaked with I saw this photo:


Suffolk County is where I'm from on Long Island. I've been told by friends who have family within the unit, they refer to that section as "The Country Club." You know how HARD life is in mostly white upper-middle class suburbia. The best part about this photo to me is that I'm pretty sure this happened to the 7-11 around the block from my house.

Long Island, represent! 631 in the house!

Let's take a second to examine the phrase, "the greatest thing since sliced bread." According to my Google search it was first sold in 1928. I dunno about you but I think we've come up with greater things since then. Like ice cream sandwiches and it's spin off the chipwich.

Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Colleen, you ALWAYS talk about ice cream sandwich concoctions! Get a new default." You know what, have you ever had a custom made chipwich? If not, then promptly shut your mouth.

But not all great things have to be food specific, though another good argument can be made for pretty much ANYTHING Red Velvet flavored to beat sliced bread (unless we're talking about a sliced loaf of red velvet bread). Since 1928 we've invented a lot, including, but not limited to:

• TV
• Air Conditioning
• Contacts (later glasses!)
• Hot Tub (time machine variety included)
  
• or better yet - how about - oh I dunno, THE INTERNET?!

Then of course you can jump into the blackberry and iPhone craze. Which can then be rounded out by The Snuggie. I think we should all start referring to things as the "greatest thing since The Snuggie." Let's raise our standard of innovation up beyond slices of bread because when you think of it, that's not really that impressive. But a blanket that fits you like a robe without the hassle of tying it shut?! That's genius!

UPDATE: Red Velvet Hot Chocolate!

I got a taste of this bad boy from Coffee Bean today. Basically - this is going to be a problem for me. It's like a melted red velvet cake. Of course it's delicious. And so I write them the following...

Dear Coffee Bean,

Thank you for the red velvet hot chocolate addition to your menu. You have succeeded in making me think about going inside EVERYDAY now - not to "write" like all those other unemployed writers/poser hispters but to purchase said item. It's delicious. On that note, please don't send me anything free in the mail as a token of your appreciation. As you already know the holiday season is upon us and that means too much food in general. The last thing I need is ANOTHER treat that is readily accessible.

I'm from the mindset that you can eat what you want and run it off. Eating healthier does help but let's just say I'm gonna be running a lot the next few months. Do you think you could perhaps create some kind of obstacle course for those who want to order the Red Velvet Hot Chocolate? That way we can all feel like we earned it. I'm sure there is room in the parking lots. I'd appreciate that. But please, no hurtles as I'm too small for that ish.

Sugar Coma-ly yours,
C$

Coffee Bean is trying to kill me. Steal my money and kill me with diabetes. The best part is, I don't even like coffee! So what do they do? They hear about my love of all things red velvet and they create a red velvet hot chocolate drink (pictured on the left). Then they promote it as being $1 tomorrow - knowing I'm a cheapskate and will spend the $1. They are banking on me becoming addicted. Honestly, if it's truly magical I'm not sure I could stop myself. Their website currently describes it as:

"A decadent, creamy treat that is a combination of rich dark chocolate and refreshing peppermint."

I'll probably ask if I can get it without the peppermint because it's just going to get in the way.

Speaking of addictions, my friend Susan Kraus made me acknowledge, though I am fully aware, that I'm currently addicted to anything pumpkin flavored. But as I told her, it's seasonal. I only get to eat the pie/fro-yo/bread/latte/scone/whatever for 2 months out of the year. So basically, it doesn't count.

This post is brought to you by:

Fat Kids
"We may be fat but we're harder to kidnap."

I'm happy to report my weekend was mostly gas free (insert 'Hizzah!" here). Which of course only confuses me further. Perhaps work gives me gas? Perhaps waking up early gave me gas? Perhaps not eating my usual routine helped. Or perhaps my body adjusted to the increased consumption of fiber. Either way I'm grateful and I'm sure so are the people near me.

In other developments I made and are my first griddle cake over the weekend. Ain't never had one o' dem befo'! It's like a dense pancake. My one boss, Holly, is from Montana. She went back not too long ago and brought me Huckleberry Griddle Cake mix along with Huckleberry syrup which claimed I could "taste the wilderness." Turns out the wilderness is sugary and delicious. Thanks false advertising!

There was still some grumblings yesterday but not as bad, however, the day was so crazy I didn't really eat much so that probably helped. I did have some time for research and guess what?

Apples AND pears can both make you gassy. And so does basically EVERYTHING else I've been eating. I'm like a gas factory. Here's what I learned from the information superhighway.

First of all when you google search "foods that" the first auto fill is "cause gas." So I'm not alone in my plight. Also, "most people do not realize that passing gas 14 to 23 times a day is normal." Perhaps I need to keep a count.

• Foods that may cause gas include
• beans (good for your heart, more you eat, more you...)
  
• vegetables, such as broccoli, cabbage, brussels sprouts, onions, artichokes, and asparagus (aka Colleen's lunch)
  
• fruits, such as pears, apples, and peaches (aka Colleen's snacks)
  
• whole grains, such as whole wheat and bran (aka Colleen's breakfast)
  
• soft drinks and fruit drinks
  
• milk and milk products, such as cheese and ice cream, and packaged foods prepared with lactose, such as bread, cereal, and salad dressing (this is no surprise)
  
• foods containing sorbitol, such as dietetic foods and sugar-free candies and gums (def chewing 2-3 sticks a gum a day)

So basically ALL of my theories were right. But what exactly am I supposed to eat? This covers most foods. Except candy. How curious I discover this on the weekend of Halloween. Coincidence? I think not. I think someone is trying to Incept this idea into my head to make me buy more candy. Well I refuse! You're going to have to go at least 3 levels into my subconscious and avoid any reference to Umpah Lumpah's from the original Charlie and the Chocolate factory because those suckers still creep me out. You will never convince me they just rolled Violet away to the juicer. No, sir. You just can't trust someone with orange skin and green hair. There, I said it.

Ok so I think I placebo'ed myself into thinking it was the apples. I mean, it's an apple. C'mon! But I have to say I FELT better til around 4ish when there was some mild rumbling. Then I went to play ultimate frisbee around 8:30pm til 10:00pm. There were some sneak attacks during the game but nothing major. Then around 12:30am there was some more significant grumbling.

Now I believe it takes 6-8 hours to digest stuff so technically whatever made me feel gassy around midnight would have been eaten around 4-6pm. What did I eat? Well, I had some remaining hummus from the take out we ordered. Then half a turkey and avocado sammich. And for dinner I basically ate a bowl of cereal with soy milk on the set around 7:30pm. Now the hummus and turkey sandwich were from a restaurant so that could have affected me just cause I didn't make it myself.

Though the timetable might be off I'm starting to suspect perhaps cereal is causing this? I usually eat stuff high in fiber with a little mix of granola and some sliced strawberries in almond milk in the morning around 8am. Perhaps my body can no longer handle the fiber? Lactose intolerance makes no sense either because it's not technically milk. Also I already beat that once and if need be I'll do it again.

Now the mild gas attack at 3:30pm/4pm could only really have been caused by the cereal in the morning right? Although I did have about half an Asian Pear around 10:30am. Then later I had cereal on set which was Kashi brand. Haven't eaten that in a LONG time so that could be it.

The only thing that doesn't make sense about that is I've been eating that same breakfast for longer than 1 week and a half. I loves me some cereal, so you can image how difficult it was for me to NOT eat it this morning. Instead I ate the other half of the Asian Pear - hopefully if I get gassy I can say it's the pear but again it's not a new item to my diet.

I just realized that my love of pumpkin flavored items could be the cause. It's that time of year and I basically can't help myself especially when it comes to the fro-yo. Not gonna lie, last week I think I had some form of it just about every day. Perhaps THAT'S IT?! But again, only problem is I didn't eat that at all yesterday. Nor does it make sense in the timing per my digestive cycle.

I'm grasping at straws here and I REALLY don't want to do one of those super Hollywood things and turn to a cleanse for help. Mostly because I don't think I can handle eating nothing but lemon water for more than a day.

The mystery continues.

I'm gonna get real with you guys right now. It should come as NO surprise that I do indeed own the book whose art is displayed to the left. It should also not surprise you that I think farts are hilarious. What can I say - I'm forever five years old. And though I find the IDEA of farts enjoyable the reality is sometimes they aren't so fun. Case in point, the overwhelming stench of a dog fart that creeps in on you like a ninja. The story of it is great to share but the experience singes your nose hairs.

Now I'm not one of those women who will pretend they don't poop or fart. And I don't consider myself a gassy person in general BUT as of late it's a bit of an issue. Mostly since it's in the form of the silent but deadly variety. This has been happening for the past week and it's really unacceptable so I've tasked myself to figure out what exactly is happening.

"You are what you eat." That's the basis of my theory on where this gas is coming from. Lately I've been eating more of a vegetarian diet but that's been going on for at least 5 months without incident so it MUST be something NEW that I'm eating or eating too much of. I'm playing detective Goldie Locks at this point.

At first I thought maybe it's the catered lunch at work, but I've eaten the fish and veggies before. However, to rule it out I tried one day no fish. Same result. One day no tofu. Same result. One day no fruit after lunch. Same result. One day no mixed nuts. Same result. So yesterday since we are filming on location we had to order lunch and I brought my own. I made a sandwich I've eaten a thousand times before. Nothing happened til later in the afternoon, later than usual.
I thought, "what did I eat later today than I usually do? And is this thing a newer item?"

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but it seems for me it keeps the gas coming this a-way. Or at least that's my CURRENT theory. Apples are now in season and I've just recently starting buying fresh ones at the farmers market. Enough to last me the week. And I've been eating one a day, usually around 10:30am when I get hunggies but yesterday I had it later in the day. So my logic tells me the apple might be the cause which is sad because I love me the farmers market apples but perhaps they are just TOO fresh for me to handle.

Therefore, today's test: No apple and God willing, no gas. I'll let you know how it goes...

Riddle me this: When the queue for any DVD service such as Netflix or the dead carcass of Blockbuster tells you there is a "long wait" for a DVD, what happens? From what very little I picked up on in my high school economics class I'm pretty sure the demand has exceeded the supply.

Here's an example:
My co-worker Alexander was hoping to watch the old Tron before the new movie comes out (which I have mixed feelings on). He said Tron went from "long wait" to "unavailable."

Well that's just a lie. They HAD it before. Did some nerd decide to keep it and pay the overpriced 30 dollar charge? It's happened to me before. There is NO WAY a disc of The Sopranos cost that much. It's one disc not the whole set and besides I DID GIVE IT BACK! But I digress...

This "long wait" must mean there are some people at the front of that line. I'm sure they won't just step out of line, I mean they are SO close. But with something like Netflix, how would you know where in line you were? And could it be Alexander has been told it's unavailable now in order for him to give up hope and take it off his queue?

So to all those ready to give up I quote the words of Wilson Phillips, "I know that there is pain but cha hold on for one more day and break free from the chains." Because someday, somebody is gonna turn around and give that disc back and it'll be like finding a $20 in an old pair of jeans. Truly glorious.

Otherwise I turn to my fail safe answer: The internet. I'm sure Tron is just a torrent away. If only I knew how to download those things. I just fall short of being savvy enough.

It's been cloudy in Los Angeles this whole week but I don't mind. I know my blood has thinned since whenever I go home to New York for the holidays I'm FREEZING just walking out to the car and find it unacceptable that grocery stores allow the automatic doors to keep opening, thus making their store colder. Last year I turned to my mom and asked, "How do you do this?!" I used to be the kid in the t-shirt and jeans claiming not to be cold. After you've played soccer games in sleet, nothing fazes you. A little bit of that rebellion lives in me, only now it's way less impressive.

Take yesterday for example. I was waiting outside the complimentary coffee truck brought to us by the director of the episode and one of the crew guys sees me sans jacket in the 65 degree weather and says, "you must be cold." My arms were crossed but I didn't have goosebumps and I triumphantly told him. "No, I'm not."

Yeah, that's right! I can handle it. Let's even bring the party down to 60 degrees. But first, let me grab a shall. I don't want to get sick.

I don't get much mail besides pre-approved credit cards and bills - even though my hippie self signed up to go paperless. There is the occasional Bed Bath and Beyond booklet I keep around thinking I'll take advantage of the coupon for the love seat slip cover, which I NEVER do. But the other day while glancing at my pile on the way to the recycling bin - again, hippie - I found an envelope with AARP on it and my name. I'm not as young as I once was, but I'm def not able to use a senior citizen discount.

Is anyone checking this crap before they send it out? Aren't there enough old people thanks to the baby boom era, do they need to recruit the youngins? Perhaps they are trying to get in my good graces since they know I'm sporty and despite not playing much softball, they need me for their team. OR they are like youth vampires and want to steal my good looks so they can appear young. After all, I do live in Hollywood. I wouldn't be surprised. Either way, as you can see from the picture, they need me to fill out a form so it's just not going to happen. My dad can vouch for that.

If I ever get so rich I would hire people to do stupid things for me. I'd hire a guy who went through all that crap and told me which credit card I should apply for - not that I'd need it. I mean, I'd have a pool full of money that I swam in. BUT if you want to keep that money, gotta spend it wisely and learn to "invest." So you know what, guy, you're fired!

Ugh, potentially being rich is SUCH a burden.

I just read that the beloved website - Awkward Family Photos - is being developed into a TV show for ABC. Um, what?

I need to get on the phone with ABC and give them my site because let's be honest - it's pretty gold and I should get a TV show based around my hilarious lil' diddies.

PS - in the realm of rap there seems to be a lot of people using the word "lil" in front of their name (i.e. Lil Wayne, Lil bow wow, Lil Kim). Just once could one of them bother to spell out the entire word: Little. Obviously this rapper would be white OR Carlton from Fresh Prince.

You hear that ABC?! Giant novelty check, please. Thank you!

The other day when I was stuck at work late I had a dinner of cereal. We have the mini boxes at work, the travel kind. First of all, as a kid it was pretty awesome because most of the cereal was sugary stuff like Frosted Flakes, Pops, Apple Jacks, etc. You never went for the plain Kellogg's flakes. Now, as I have matured I find my tastes have changed and that's the first one I reach for. Can't be jacked up on sugar any more...sadly.

So I get me a box and I noticed the dotted line down the middle and remembered how you used to cut open the box and use it as a bowl. How American of us to think we simply DON'T HAVE THE TIME to pour this into a bowl and eat it. If only I could eat it right out of the box. However, there is no dotted line for the actual plastic bag the cereal is in. So you have to try to rip it open with a knife, which if you are eating out of the box, you probs only have a plastic one, which isn't nearly as effective. Those minutes of trying to break the seal could have been used to pour it into a bowl! Plus if you get annoyed you are more likely to either semi cut yourself on the crappy knife and/or rip open the bag sending the cereal flying - which I have done.

Either way, the entire thing is a terrible idea. But that doesn't stop me from doing it again.

Confession:

When I spot a spider that is larger than half an inch including the legs, I hesitate before killing it because I fear it may remember me and get reincarnated into a murderer. So I usually say, "Sorry," right before I do it.

For the most part women have gotten the short end of the stick. Sure we have more rights now but I think it's harder to be a woman rather than a dude. Many people think it's mostly because of the whole period thing but let's not neglect the bra. At 13 or 14 everyone is getting training bras which is such a sham. As a sporty girl, felt like I should have it but didn't need it because I was a surfboard. Sports bra did nothing but add an extra layer of clothing and I already ran warm.

Then I get boobs and they are kinda annoying. Some bras don't have enough padding, some too much and it's like someone is trying to cop a feel all day. As you get older you are told by commercials to buy sexy bras with lace but they aren't really practical. Most shirts look lumpy with them. That's no good and a waste of 30+ dollars.

Now Victoria's Secret claims to have a bra that can be worn 12 or 16 different ways. I can only really think of 5 so I think they are reaching. I tried it on once and even wearing it one standard way wasn't comfortable. I didn't bother to try to figure it out after getting caught in the straps.

But a strapless one is good for dresses that you buy with low cuts in the back or strapless. You of course try in the store with your everyday tan bra that's like a boob bandaid and try to image it without the straps and think yeah this will work. Then if you are me you try on again at home and realize your strapless dress still won't work so then you try to do braless and of course its colder than expected and windy so you nip out and are super self conscious of the fact so you can't enjoy the event (not the new TV show) - instead you find creative ways to casually hide your boobs - arms crossing, wearing a coat, talking with hands - which turn out to not be casual at all...

See the things we STILL have to deal with?!

I hate to admit to being one of "those people" who is on the phone or texting but occasionally it happens. Not so much to make an actual phone call, it's more that I see things I find amusing and just HAVE to get a picture.

Case in point:


At first I thought it was an image of Webster but upon further inspection it was a cute little black girl. I'm not sure who should be more insulted.

Let's take a second to talk about the kid leash:

For parent's who love their children - but not THAT much. It says to your child, "let's keep this professional." As well as, "I want to keep an eye on you but don't want to touch you." And who could blame you? Kids are FULL of boogers, poop, spit, and germs!

It's like a dog; they see something shiny that distracts them and when you're ready to move on just give 'em alittle tug.

All in all I'm not a hater and wouldn't doubt that I'd get one in the future. Just like the animal print visor and fanny pack I picked up in Florida - an ironic purchase that became quite real and handy.

I've recently begun to fully appreciate soup spoons. Sure, I always liked the deeper belly but like a good neighbor I never really noticed them until they weren't there. Ever try to eat soup with a regular spoon? You can never get enough on the spoon to satisfy your hunger, especially if it's something like chicken noodle. The noodle is all slip sliding off. There just isn't enough surface area for me and I wind up manically slurping away. But get yourself a polite soup spoon and it's like he says, "Oh what's that? You got a bit of the shakes today. Relax, I'll do the heavy lifting."

Like an elderly woman who has a boy scout help her cross the street, I feel safer.

"Why thank you very much, young man."

My roommate Tina has a cat named Mr. Tice but about 2 months ago I came home to a note on my door saying we might have another guest living in the house. At first I thought it might be a person, that is until I found another cat hanging out under my bed.

Her name is Onyx. Since Tina already had Mr. Tice who was pretty territorial on her, Onyx drifted over to me. Now I don't pay for food or clean the litter box so you could argue she's not mine, but she spends her time in my room and has taken to sleeping with me at night.

She's a total sweetheart and I grew up with animals so I don't mind. Her meow is very low, almost like a whisper so I'm a fan of that. She has no front claws but she doesn't even play fight so it doesn't matter. All she really wants to do is sleep on my lap and eat - even after she was JUST fed...

She has taken to waking up early to inform me she is hungry and for awhile I tried to ignore it but she's pretty consistant. So I shuffle out of bed, hair a mess, no contacts in so I can't really see, and I'm gonna be honest - sometimes pantless. I slap the food in the dish and shuffle back to bed to catch another hour of sleep. I didn't really mind because I can go back to sleep pretty easily but when 6am became 5:30am I started to think - wait a sec, who is the pet here?

So now I get up, she runs to the kitchen, and I close the door. She can wait another hour.

Then later that week, I go into my bathroom and it smells kinda weird even though no one has been in there ALL day. So I'm smelling around - toilet is fine, garbage is fine. Where is that coming from? I was running out and figured maybe it'll be gone later. Hours later I return and I was literally running around so I'm all sweaty. I need to take a shower. I pull back the curtain and find...

Yeah, that's poop.

Now the litter box is in Tina's room and Mr. Tice and Onyx have NOT been getting along so I thought she didn't want to go in there to deal with him. But this happened more than once. She's still cuddling with me but I'm starting to think she's getting back at me...

Never come between a lady and her meal.

I often subscribe to news feeds or political email list serves to feel like I'm staying in "the know" and staying involved in politics of our times. But the reality is, I get the emails, feel semi annoyed that they tricked me into thinking I got a REAL email from someone I actually have a relationship with, then contemplate unsubscribing before guilt tripping myself not to - because one day I might have time to go to that Barbara Boxer fundraiser in San Fransisco for PETA.

Uh, did I really just say that?

*Select.*
*Delete.*

Yesterday I went to a dinner party hosted by my lovely ultimate frisbee friend Miles. He totes classed it up by having food on actual plates like from Crate & Barrel. He don't mess. There was also a giant bowl of homemade guacamole so I was more than pleased. I also learned I could shorten fancy to fance which I do plan to use in my lexicon.

Several other great things occurred:

1. A bunch of us came up with the term Gayzies for gay best friend - feel free to use on the regular.

2. It was decided I would become a mutlimillionaire after selling two shows. One is a reality show rip off of the Food Network shows where they take people who can't cook and try to teach them how to not suck at it. Only mine will be for people who can't make clothes but they have to do Project Runway like challenges without guildance so there will be a lot of things put together in a tizzy with tape and staples - hosted by Cindy Lauper. THEN I also have "Topical Grandmas" - it's like the view but with a couple of old white ladies talkin' bout Lady Gaga and cameltoes. Betty White will FOR SURE be one of the hosts.

3. Miles had an actual newspaper out for people to read and this happened:

*Please note I didn't do either on of these but I def giggled at them.

All in all a pretty successful night...

Facebook needs to not be so accessible at work. It's counter productive.

I've been on "hiatus" now from my show for about a month but because I work for the executive producers I don't get time off. What I do get is an office and at times, like today, and entire floor to myself. I don't mind the quiet but I am WAY less productive when I don't have a million things to do. Somehow doing 15 things is better than only 2 things.

Yesterday my one boss handed me his water and power bill to mail. I pleasantly said, "yeah sure," and then threw it into the recycle bin right in front of him. We then mused that I did that every time he handed me things to do. I'd totally do it if I...

1. Didn't like him
2. Didn't like getting paid
3. Was that JetBlue flight attendant who didn't want to work no mo'

See you later, suckers. Fly United!

"And where did you go, young lady? Why haven't you been here to write hilarious little diddies for me to giggle at! Me get angry!"

That was my impression of you. Pretty good, right?

Sorry, my adoring public, for keeping you at bay. I was away losing my mind in Orlando, Florida at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Yeah you heard me. I went to Hogwarts.


Window shopped in Hogsmeade.


Drank me some frozen butterbeer. And it was delish.


If you aren't jealous yet, you should be. If you aren't a fan of Harry Potter, I'm not sure how we are friends.

I'll have more vacation tid bits for you soon. But first I want to share with you my favorites from the SkyMall that was in the seat. First of all, I flew Southwest and you REALLY take for granted the multimedia that every other airline uses now a days. We are so A.D.D. now it's ridiculous. A whole day of flying without being forced to watch a mediocre movie/reality tv shows? You expect me to read an actual book? That's just ridiculous. But when you do give in and read SkyMall the best part is, the actual copy of it tells you to take it, they have more. They actually encourage stealing.

Anyway here were a few jems I just couldn't resist documenting:

1. Face Trainer
"Your face. Naturally fit." You ladies may laugh but I know the inside scoop on Hollywood youth treatments and wrapping your face in an ace bandage is super advanced technology that works.

2. Zombies!
It's basically a fake zombie statue for your yard. Now, I know if I saw this late at night after a long day at work I'd probs get out my trusty shotgun and shoot it, believing the Zombie apocolypse had begun. Either that or yelp and throw my keys at it before running away.

3. Pet High Chair


I'm pretty sure he's eating some kind of dessert that is rightfully made for humans. Unacceptable.

It's taken me long enough but I'm finally posting again. And this one is pretty fun in a creepy way.

My friend Susan and I go for walks in the morning on Mon/Wed/Fri. There are many amusing things that happen and can be found. Thankfully Susan has a camera at the ready to capture some of these amusing things such as a wonderfully misspelled note from one neighbor to the other as shown below:
Now we usually walk around our quaint little Valley Village neighborhood full of adorable one story homes with decorate shrubbery. However, this morning we were walking our current favorite street and passed by a car. I noticed something in the driver's seat.

It was a guy, hunched over.

At first I thought I finally get to experience a Law & Order opening episode moment where I find a dead body. I mean, let's be honest with all the outdoor activities I do, it's bound to happen sooner or later. Especially on a hike. But alas, after staring for a second I realized he was still breathing. Susan refused to take a picture of it, ignoring my rationalization to document the scene. Damn her.

We then discussed exactly WHY this man would be in such a situation. Here is our list.

1. Got in a fight with the Misses/Girlfriend and she kicked him out.
2. Epileptic
3. Went to go to work early and fell sleep instead. Now he's late.
4. Too lazy to exit the car after getting home late, perhaps out with a mistress/drinking, parked the and wanted to finish listening to a song before going inside (i.e. - Bon Jovi "Living On A Prayer").
5. A sub-par police officer who fell sleep on his stakeout.

Needless to say we will never know. But my finely tuned, TV procedural detective skills tell me something is a foot since he was still in a T-shirt and based on the way he slouched forward, foul play could be involved. Because if you knew you were going to sleep in your car, you'd probs lower the seat and stretch out. Perhaps someone was murdered and he's being framed. Got cold cocked and left in the car, probs with his prints all over the murder weapon.

Either way, as Susan stated, anytime you are sleeping in your car, it's not great.

I recently went home for a quick visit. And I'm still amazed at my cat Lucky. She's about 17 years old now, went blind about 2 years ago, has lost weight, and is completely happy. She bumps her way around the house, purring. Here's just a sample:

OK I'd like to start off by saying this next rant makes me kind of a jerk and I'm sure by saying ANYTHING Karma will set me in her gaze but here it goes...

I just read this article about a guy who underwent the world's first face transplant. First of all, it's nothing like "Face Off" meaning if this is really the best we can do in 2010, maybe we shouldn't be doing face transplants at all. Please observe:



Immediately I wanted to know WHY this guy, Oscar, needed a new face. It turns out he accidentally shot his off 5 years ago. Upon hearing this my co-worker Vivian asked, "How much of his face did he shoot off?" To which she then answered herself, "...looks like the whole thing." But we continued to ask questions like, "Why can't he close his mouth?" and "Was this the only face available because it doesn't look like it fits."

I don't know what he looked like before, but if he went 5 years without a face, maybe it was better. There was a movie about that too. And how topical that "The Man Without A Face" starred Mel Gibson. Seriously, what happened there? He just straight up lost his mind.

And so it continues...
(A thank you to my cousin Patrick for the lead. Hopefully this time you won't leave a sassy comment demanding credit. Jerk.)


The Long Island bank robber who disguised himself as Darth Vader wasn't afraid to use force. Witnesses tell Newsday that when Vader entered the Chase bank in Setauket, everyone thought it was just a gag. A muscular customer at the counter jokingly tried to put his arms around Vader, at which point the 6'2" former Jedi threw him to the ground, pointed the gun at him and said, "I'll shoot you in the face. This isn't a joke." And for the first time in history, a grown man in a Star Wars costume successfully stopped people from laughing at him.

Turning back to the counter, Vader demanded cash from the teller. But as he waited for the hand-off, another woman entered the bank. Sensing a disturbance in the Force, he swung around and pointed his gun at her, declaring, "Not today, lady. Find a different bank." Grabbing the cash, he took off running east, knocking over a bagel shop customer who was as clumsy as he was stupid.

An Air Force veteran inside the bagel store who saw Vader run by tells Newsday he thinks the thief has military training, observing, "He knows what he's doing with the gun. He wasn't holding it like a cowboy." Suffolk county police have made no arrests, but they have dispatched one of their best rookies to the Dagobah system to dig up leads.

MY COMMENT: Well of course he wasn't holding the gun "like a cowboy." Hello, he's a Sith. There aren't any cowboys in space, unless you are Han Solo. Also I'd like to go on record to say that I'll be super bummed if this turns out to not be real.

I apologize as THIS should have been my last post to keep with the Star Wars theme. Big shout out to my home of Long Island for this story. And I quote from Newsday:

It seems the Empire has fallen on hard times. Presumably to get finishing funds for his latest Death Star, Darth Vader—or a man pretending to be Darth Vader?—was reduced to robbing a bank on Long Island this morning. Impotent Rebel Alliance security forces tell Newsday (paywall) that Vader marched into a Chase bank in Setauket around 11:30 a.m. today. Brandishing a completely unnecessary handgun—as he had the power to choke the oxygen out every teller's throat—the fallen Jedi demanded cash.

It's unclear whether he also found their lack of faith disturbing, but one Rebel policeman says, "The teller complied with the robber's demands and gave him money from the drawer." Vader is described as 6 feet, 2 inches tall, also wearing camouflage pants, and was last seen boarding a starfighter headed in the direction of Long Island's sinister Sith stronghold, in Valley Stream. (Isn't this also where Improv Everywhere has their headquarters?) Below, a surveillance photo from the teller's point of view:

I'm not sure if I LOVE the fact that this happened or the article itself with all its Star Wars references.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but I believe I've already done a rant or two about how annoyed I get when I see people younger than me being super successful - i.e. athletes or actually talented actors/musicians. Especially when it comes to the Olympics and they are like 14 and winning gold metals. Don't get me wrong, I'm also impressed and inspired, but then feel like a chump.

But every so often there comes one of these youngins in the limelight that makes me feel really good about myself. Currently, Lindsay Lohan is that person.

Sorry for the delay. I have been quite busy the past few weeks and also just got over some mini flu like thing that mostly made me feel uncomfortable and forced me into a diet of crackers/dry cereal. As someone who LOVES food, it was very tragic for me as everyday felt like a waste of a good meal. But alas, I am back!

I'll keep this post short and sweet. I discovered this little gem today. It seems someone managed to improve something that was already pretty awesome...

Um, yes please.

I'm not sure what I love more about this Octopus who predicts the World Cup winners: the fact that his name is Paul, or that he's been right every time, or that someone decided to ask an octopus what he thought, or that the news found out about it and now it's "a thing."

The next time someone bothers you enough that it makes you want to exclaim "shut your pie hole!" Please consider using this new very elaborate version...

I want you to go to the ATM, preferably one from your own bank so you don't get a fee. Then head over to House of Pies and buy a slice of pie with your cash as it's a "cash only" family establishment. Get the pie to go. Drive carefully back to your place of residence so the pie doesn't get ruined. Unwrap the pie, place it on a plate and grab a fork or spoon depending on what you picked up. For example, I'd use a spoon if it was a banana creme pie, but probs a fork for butter pecan (it really is all about texture). Take a big ol' bite and place the deliciousness into your pie hole (aka mouth). Now close your pie hole - this should be difficult since the piece you took was so big. Then choke on the pie.

Now I know it's a very involved insult and not to mention - mean. So please only use sparingly for those who hold a special angry little place in your heart.

I like to play this game at work where you attach a celebrity's last name onto a vague first name. Now I know that sounds confusing so let me elaborate. My boss says, "Hey, Colleen can you get me John on the phone?"

Then I reply only loud enough for my co-worker Vivian to hear, "John Travolta?" She replies, "John Stamos?" I giggle. She wins.

It happens at any time so we are basically always in play. There is no limit to the amount of suggestions you can make or the number of people who can play. It's kind of awesome because there are times when you are caught off guard. Like today when I dialed someone for my boss and then to tell him this person was on the line I yelled out, "Keith!" To which Vivian quickly added, "Keith Olbermann?!" I wasn't expecting it and definitely cracked right away.

Additionally, a "Molly" was thrown out today and I added on both Molly Shannon and Molly Ringwald. This then spawned a conversation about how she looks kind of weird now. Our intern asked if there was something wrong with her. Vivian, continuing her day of zingers, replied quite matter of fact, "No, she just got fat."

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to tell you. Last weekend while waiting in line for brunch at The Griddle Cafe where they serve the largest pancakes known to man - this happened.



*NOTE: Jasmine is not her real name, neither is Johnna. Why lie? Well I suppose they thought that despite his rap lyric claiming otherwise, he was a dirty old man.

PS - How much do you like the Mad Hatter hat? And yes, I did show him some love with a little help from my friend George Washington.

It's been awhile since I watched Fox's completely over produced reality show, Hell's Kitchen. Back in the day my cousin Pat and I used to watch and laugh, but let's be honest we also kind of wanted to see who won. I think Gordon Ramsey is entertaining but America has branded him in such a comedic way in comparison to his BBC shows - which allow him to act like a normal human being. Don't get me wrong, there is still plenty of yelling, but in NO WAY does the BBC allow for such opening credit shenanigans as can currently be found on this season of Hell's Kitchen.

If you haven't seen it. Do yourself a favor and watch it. The mugging is just out of control, especially when one contestant is surfing a computer animated wave of fire on a large cutting knife. Need I say more?

It's official. I'm now a hippie Californian.

Last night I rode my bike down to the Whole Foods and picked up Hemp Butter. (It's like Almond Butter, but vegan.)

I know, I'd roll my eyes too...

Just wanted to say I witnessed David Hasselhoff (AKA "The Hoff") in the flesh today. Gotta say, he wasn't nearly as bloated looking as I was expecting. He was no Baywatch, but still...good for him!

Cue theme music...

"Some people stand in the darkness,
afraid to step into the light!"

Tonight I was trying to go to sleep when this wonderful smell of a warmed dessert involving some kind of Oreo treat wafted through my window and into my nose.

First of all, it was really late so that's going RIGHT to your thighs. Second, it happened at least twice and I doubt sharing was involved. Third, Oreos are one of my fave cookies so -

IT. WAS. TORTUOUS.

Yesterday I was having dinner with a friend and we were discussing dreams. Them things are crazy! I shared a few of mine that featured celebrities and then started to wonder...

Many of us have had some kid of celebrity dream in our lifetime, a few of mine have featured Meryl Streep and Marishka Hargitay (both the actress and the TV character Olivia Benson - I believe it was prompted by a Law & Order: SVU marathon). And yet I wonder, did they dream of me? Do celebrities have dreams of us common folk?

My old boss was friends with Marishka and I always wondered if she came to visit him and we locked eyes, if she'd know me somehow and then we'd obvs become best friends. I mean, that makes sense right? I'm sure it wouldn't be weird if I told her about my dream. I wouldn't sound crazy AT ALL.

Yesterday I got two, count 'em TWO (1+1) bloody noses. If you were to tally how many I have had in my lifetime it would be maybe 10. What gives? And I'll have you know, neither were prompted by getting punched in the face.

Immediately I want to say that it's the dry air or allergies - which I developed later in life - THANKS! But the nose bleeds oddly resemble what happened to one of my all time favorite TV characters from my all time fave show... Say it with me: The X Files. For those who didn't know already - I'm sure you are SHOCKED by this news. It's SO unlike me to be a giant sci-fi nerd. Weird.

I'm about to nerd out on you for a sec - please indulge me...

You see Agent Dana Scully was "abducted" in the second season and then in the third season she finds this chip in her neck. When she takes it out she starts to get sick with the cancer. She gets a tumor all up in her nasal passage and brain. She finds this out when she starts getting nose bleeds - GASP!

Now I haven't watched the show in awhile (I own all the seasons on DVD - another shock) but could it be my love for the visual majesty of this beloved Fox program has created a nexus with the characters that I am starting to share some of their fiction experiences? Perhaps Agent Scully and I are now connected a la E.T.. ("Elliott!")

Anyone have Mulder's digits on hand? I gotta make a call. And if the Cigarette Smoking Man comes to visit you, deny everything.

My favorite part of the day is right before I eat, and then once I'm done, it's the saddest part of the day because I have to wait at least 2 hours to eat again. So you can image how exciting it was for me to go wine tasting where they allow you to bring your own food and the 15 plus people in our party brought stuff. For awhile I was really good and ate fruits and veggies as well as assorted cheeses which were delish. But all the while I had my eye on some cupcakes that were visible through their tupperware containers.

Cut to them being broken out. To be honest the first one was semi-peer pressure. My friend had baked them and I was told there was a small chocolate chip cookie inside. It was then I was shown a new way to enjoy the cupcake. You take the bottom part off and place it on the top, making a kind of cupcake sandwich that helps contain the frosting. The person who showed me this move was a pro who confessed she ate a cupcake a week.

So that happened. Then about a half hour later more cupcakes were busted out. I was intrigued by the yellow cake cupcake with vanilla frosting and sugar sprinkles. I was halfway through it when it was brought to my attention that there were peanut butter cupcakes. As a lover of all things peanut butter I couldn't NOT eat one.

So that happened. I was amazed I ate 2 whole cupcakes since I don't really consider myself a big cupcake person. Though I do consider myself a dessert person.

SIDE NOTE: I basically don't trust anyone who doesn't like dessert. I mean, seriously? What's wrong with you? Are you a robot?! It's just not human I tell you.

Anyways, I realized there was still half an eaten cupcake and couldn't bare to see it thrown away. So yes, today I ate 3 cupcakes. But I'd like to think of it as insurance that I work out...

I recently got into a discussion in the "Would You Rather..." realm, which is always a good time. The full question was:

Would you rather look like a less attractive version of a celebrity known for being "hot" or a hot version of a mediocre looking celebrity? (For example, a less hot version of Brad Pitt or a hot version of Steve Buscemi.)

Most people picked the hotter version of someone, mostly because when someone tells you that it sounds better to your ego. I doubt anyone would be so blunt to say you are the ugly version of someone. Personally I'd go with the phrase, "you kind of look like Brad Pitt, but not."

Of course I'd prefer to be called the hotter version of someone, though I have been told I kind of look like Natalie Portman and/or Keira Knightley - hey, wait a sec!

I wanted to tell people a few things I find really annoying:

1. Hot girls on TV complaining that it's SUPER hard to meet guys. Yeah, OK.

2. Actors who get Knighted and then make people call them Sir...whatever. Example: Sir Ben Kingsley. Um, sorry but you are aware you only PLAYED Gandhi, you didn't actually do any of those things in real life.

3. People who have super specific phobias which are ridiculous like fear of jewelry. I'm sure it's very real and scary for them, but I mean, really?! There are too many people milling around when those kinds of phobias start happening AND get showcased on The Tyra Banks Show.

4. Tyra Banks.

Yesterday I was collecting my loose change, though if it's not a quarter I don't really know what to do with it. Of course I find a few pennies and as I spot the copper I think, "Can I just throw it out?" But it's money! So instead I decide to fool myself into collecting it with the false hope I would one day take them to the bank and get useful things like dollars or quarters.

As I collected a few pennies I noticed one was shinier than the rest. Upon closer inspection it didn't look like a penny as the back of it was some new kind of symbol. Naturally I thought it was foreign money and yet, it was in English. Wha???

It appears we got ourselves a new penny design that NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT. I remember talk about getting rid of the penny but instead it's now new and slightly lighter in weight. OR perhaps someone created a fake penny and snuck it in my bag to spy on me. It's probs a government plot to assassinate me. I'm not sure if you are aware but I'm kind of a big deal.

So for your viewing pleasure please enjoy this Captain America themed new penny back:

One of my co-workers has a date tonight. Naturally we wanted to hear all the deets about where they met this person and it turns out it was from speed dating. So once he left, I said, I hope he doesn't get murdered because let's be honest, you never know. Side note: I'd be genuinely bummed if he was.

Now I'm not saying that I WANT to be murdered but...(and I know this is a great way to start a rant)

IF I was murdered I'd hate for it to be a mundane one where I was just like shot for my wallet (ha, jokes on you!), or mistaken ID for someone they wanted to kill, or mugging gone wrong. We are so used to hearing those stories on the news it doesn't really stand out and it'd be really annoying to me. But if it was some elaborate or really messed up murder that then gets ripped from the headlines as a Law and Order: SVU episode plot, I'd be ok with it. I'm sure at the time it would suck but at least then I died so Marishka Hargitay could win another Emmy. You know what I'm saying?

The other day at work I was told there was a spider found in the kitchen that was so large you could see the many eyes and he was found rustling around in the granola bars container.

Um, ew.

I can't really tolerate the existence of spiders in general. If it's under an inch I can usually handle apologizing to it before squishing it to death with a double layered tissue. But this one, I've been told was about 3 inches. Now I consider myself a pretty strong woman and I'm glad I wasn't the one who found said spider because I'd probs freak the F out upon finding it. Especially in the kitchen. That's like, my favorite place at work.

Needless to say I won't be eating granola bars any time soon.

I attempted to watch Robin Hood over the weekend. I have to say that if I was a movie critic I would keep my reviews short and sweet. Robert and Ebert had it right. Thumbs up or down and you are done. Well, my reviews would be the simple elementary school check system so the whole family would know. Please see below:

Robin Hood: check minus

And just since I know you are all DYING to know the details of my life...
Addendum: I almost fell asleep twice before leaving. Also isn't Robin Hood supposed to NOT be 50 years old. I mean, really. C'mon now.

The past few weeks I've been busy at work and I haven't stayed on top of blogging or even better the news. I have to say I'm much happier without the news. I no longer get annoyed or frustrated by human beings and their endless shenanigans.

But I recently jumped back on the bandwagon and here are my highlights:

1. Giant Oil Spill - are we really going to try to clog it up with more crap? The Coast Guard wants to use shredded tires and golf balls. I feel like I should be working for SNL and write a "Really?!" segment. You are the Coast Guard, not a 5 year old child playing in the sink!

2. Another republican pretending he's not gay - oh no, this young male companion is just carrying my luggage...nothing suspicious happening here except you know, hypocrisy. I don't understand how people could even start to believe anything he's saying. Is your brain broken?

I really can't handle it anymore. I don't really think of myself as a pessimist but if I were God I'd shut this crazy ride down. Find the undo key. It's just more proof in my mind that it's all over in 2 years. Enjoy it everyone! I know I'm going to try to eat more ice-cream sandwiches, especially on Fridays because we all know calories eaten on Fridays don't count.

All I know is, God Bless Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. Without them I'd surely destroy my tv.

Yesterday it was really windy and it made me think of the phrase, it's "as useful as a fart in a wind storm."

Naturally I have a few issues. One being when is a fart useful in general?

Answer: I suppose to create an awkward situation between two strangers/co-workers. Also useful to clear a room - it has worked for both my dog and dad in the past.

Perhaps we're just using the phrase incorrectly and it should be "as undetectable as a fart in a windstorm." I mean, let's be honest, if you fart into the breeze, no one really knows but you and mother nature, who I'm sure isn't thrilled about it.

The other day whilst at work one of my co-workers was saying she didn't feel well. Being the self proclaimed hypochondriac that she is, she diagnosed herself as having possible meningitis. She claimed she felt sleepy and her neck was hurting. So I told her she was probably just turning into a vampire. I must add that we were outside at the time and she was complaining how bright it was.

I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Meanwhile when I asked what exactly meningitis was my other co-worker said, "I just think it's puffy. Something with your nerves is happening and you're puffy." After a WebMD search she concluded, "Ok, so everything I told you was probably wrong."

Thank God we would only write dialogue for doctors instead of actually being doctors.

So there appears to be this disease/disorder called Williams Syndrome. It's super rare but it biologically renders the person incapable of not trusting others. I'm not making this up.

http://www.scpr.org/news/2010/04/25/a-life-without-fear/

For the record I'd like to say that if/when I become a parent, this would be my worst nightmare because it would severely handicap my ability to talk to my own child since anyone who knows me is aware that half of what I say is sarcasm.

Dear Steve Jobs,

Though you have dazzled the tech hispters time and time again, I have a proposition for you. It's only a matter of time before people will want Apple products to be fused into their bodies but we're a long way from having an iPod inserted into our brains, the science just isn't there yet and it's kind of vain. But we definitely have the capabilities to enhance people's lives and appearance with the iPhone like touchscreens and images.

Mr. Jobs, imagine that you are walking through the park and trip over some of that pesky mother nature (rocks, tree roots, and the like), you fall and hit your face and oops your eye pops out. Either that or maybe a ninja plucks it out a la Kill Bill Vol. 2, whatevs.

Now you don't have an eye! That sucks. But you do have Apple technology and the ability to name things using "i" instead of "eye." Do you see where I'm going here?

May I present, the "iPatch." Think of the possibilities! You can choose your eye color, the ability to stare, wink, blink, etc. The eye can interact with others, following them around. Now I want to be clear, let's not make this an eye that can go into your socket, we're still going to rock the string because too many people enjoy pretending they are pirates.

I will kindly take my percentage to be paid out in a giant pool filled with money and you should give it to me because let's be honest, you're a billionaire a few times over. Don't get greedy.

Best,
C$

(I think I should submit this to Apple Customer Service and see what happens.)

Sorry for being away for awhile. My parents are in town so I feel justified in being lazy about my day to day musing. But I do want to quickly bring up a few amusing things:

1. Yesterday I was buzzed before 1PM with my parents. Thank you wine tasting! I also got to drink almond champagne mixed with chocolate dessert wine served in an edible chocolate cup. It was delish and I felt like Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory eating the dandelion cup. No umpa lumpa's were spotted - thank god.

2. I just read that the Iranian clergy claimed earthquakes were caused by promiscuous women. I just don't understand why some people of faith have to be completely insane and ignorant to any kind of science. Also, couldn't be just promiscuous people, no - just the women. Dammit whores, quit messing up the earth!

PS - I do believe you can believe in God and not be a complete a-hole. Just less likely to happen in 3rd world countries.

Today I discussed death and heaven with one of my co-workers. It wasn't anything serious. We both agree that once you die Death comes to visit and let's you know if you achieved awesome status in your life - like tickets you win at ski ball. If you rack up enough points you have the option to haunt someone....and also get a friendship bracelet.

Here are your Haunting Level Packages:

- Prankster: misplace objects (socks/keys), weird light in photos. (Next time you can't find something, think to yourself, who did I wrong that recently died?)

- Legit Haunting: ability to whisper, turn rooms cold, one time appearance but animals can see you (dogs bark)

- White Gold: all of the above PLUS ability to shake/move things, enter dreams, repeat appearances.

White Gold is more likely to achieve if you were a good person who was wronged and/or murdered.

If you were murdered there are bonus options such as:

Ultimate revenge: get to cause their death/plan punishment in hell
OR
Sick Karma on them: takes longer but more satisfying vs immediate gratification of haunting.

This whole thing comes with a stack of paperwork including instructions so that way people who are flaky and THINK they want to be a ghost will easily give up and just move on. Death is kinda like a lawyer in that way. Or the guy who talks really fast at the end of drug commercials listing off all the side effects.

We here in California had ourselves an Easter Earthquake, though I bet the people of Mexico thought it was more like el diablo rising out of the ground. EL DIABLO! They got a 7.2 but we only got a long lazy swaying that made you feel like you were drugged.

The best part about mild earthquakes out here is the news coverage afterward. To be clear, the news in Los Angeles is beyond a joke. It's basically info-tainment. Case in point, they showed pictures of streets cracked and stores all messy and at the top it read "SOURCE: Twitter." I mean, really?

So of course the news stations take phone calls but it's never people who were at the center of it because that takes more than 30 seconds to find. Instead you get some old lady telling everyone that her family keepsake Christmas oranments were ruined, and another person saying, "it felt like it was right under us."

My feelings can best be summed up by my cousin putting his hand to his forehead.

When buying a car, either used or new, DO NOT ever go in saying, "Hey, do you guys have the most annoying car alarm available? Kinda like a bunch of honking in morse code? Also can it please be super sensitive so it goes off at 1am? Also I'd like for it to be really difficult to turn off so all my neighbors can hear it. Oh, you DO have that? Great, I'll buy it!"

If you did say this, congratulations you are a moron. Specifically you're a moron who lives across the street from me.

Hey, neighbor!