I forgot to tell all of y'all that the other day I took a sexy test at IHOP to see how sexy I was......appearently I am a sex maniac. How about them apples?

So Phrase O the Week goes to a man I just met today. I went with Jon to this collective graduation party in Westchester that had a lot of his family. I was warned about Uncle Don. I met Uncle Don. I was ready for the challenge. He made a comment about me being a redhead, and I couldnt let him believe a lie so I told him it was dyed. Then he was saying he could see the roots...which I then said was impostible cuz I just dyed it so there was no roots. He then added a humorously awkward comment about how you could tell if I was a REAL redhead. In his Uncle Don way he said to me:

Drop your draws.

Oh Uncle Don, he's so crazy. Jon's family is crazy and I love it. I feel so at home.

You can call me Ray, you can call me Jay, you can call me John, but dont' call me Ms. WebAHHH!
Don't worry it's ok to be confused.

I'd like to post some of Liz Rivalsi's work. I hope she doesn't mind. Please don't sue me!

i've got no thyroid
to digest me
to make me fat or make me thin
i had a thyroid
but now i'm less
there are no thyroids in me

hiho the merio
thats the only way to go
i want the world to know
nothing ever worries me

Hiho the merio
I'm as happy as can be
I want the world to know
Nothing ever worries me

I've got no thyroid
so i eat lots
i dont cook food, i dont smoke pot
they've got thyroids
but you can see
there are no thy-roids in me

you have no thyroid
your throat is free
to love me by the Zuider Zee
ya ya ya
if you would woo
i'd bust my thyroid in for you

you've got no thyroid
comme ce comme ca
i've got a thyroid
but entre nous
i'd cut my thyroid out for yous

down where the volga flows
theres a russian rendevous
where me and ivan go
but i'd rather go with you, hey!

It's kinda like watching an old man try to get up a flight of stairs; it's funny but awkward.

Keep up the good work Liz.

A humorous convo between Dan Ling and Myself at 1:30am:

methudman6: why are you up so late
Lactaid Lady: i dunno
Lactaid Lady: i just cant get myself to to go to sleep
Lactaid Lady: you?
methudman6: yes
methudman6: same thing
methudman6: and i'm like bored too
methudman6: but i dont' wanna sleep
methudman6: happens to me like everydya
Lactaid Lady: and the weird thing is....i love sleep
Lactaid Lady: yet, i avoid it
methudman6: yea
methudman6: i like being awake as much as i like sleeping
methudman6: lol
Lactaid Lady: i like being awake n all, but i mean...sleep
Lactaid Lady: oh man
Lactaid Lady: they need to bottle it
methudman6: yea
methudman6: drink that shit up
Lactaid Lady: lol
Lactaid Lady: it would be like water mixed with rufies
methudman6: rufies
methudman6: wats that
Lactaid Lady: date rape drug
Lactaid Lady: makes you sleepy and forget
methudman6: i don't wnana forget sex
Lactaid Lady: well we'll take out that in our Bottle O Sleep
Lactaid Lady: so ppl can sleep AND enjoy sex
methudman6: ahh yes
Lactaid Lady: can it get any better?!
methudman6: i don't think so baby
methudman6: let's start mixing those sleep drinks
Lactaid Lady: Otay, i'll make them secretly at work
methudman6: yessss
methudman6: i'll stop by
methudman6: and when i say
methudman6: i'll have a medium... hmm i'm so sleepy i can't rmemeber wha tflavor i wanted
methudman6: that's whenyou give it to me
methudman6: you will say
methudman6: well, i heard passion fruit is quite good
Lactaid Lady: and you say....
methudman6: and serve the wonderful sleep concoction
Lactaid Lady: then everyone else will be like...what is that?
Lactaid Lady: and i'll be like Smoothie O Sleep (cuz it wouldnt make sense to call it a bottle since it's not in a bottle)
methudman6: true
methudman6: truuuuuue
methudman6: man i'm really hungry
methudman6: lol
Lactaid Lady: and then the whole world will get hooked
methudman6: maybe i should eat something
Lactaid Lady: and then i'll slip rufies in and rape the world!
methudman6: ahhhhhhhh
Lactaid Lady: i mean....yeah you should eat something
methudman6: i don't mind being raped
methudman6: i don't have to forget about it
methudman6: don't waste any rufies on me
Lactaid Lady: ok cool

I kissed a lesbian (more on that later)

Tonight the good people at Volvo informed me that it was National Safety Month. Now I don't quiet understand this. Should I know more safety rules? Am I living a safe life? Eh, screw it. You know what I thought of right away....Mrytle the Safety Turtle, from the hit nickelodeon show Welcome Freshman. But I want you all to be aware that he was neither a real turtle, nor was he really safe. Wrap your mind around THAT one.

Editors Note: Liz Rivalsi DID win the Phrase O the Week. There was no other competition. For shame! GO LIZ!

Dictionary Tiempo!

todays word is: mid-most: being in or near the exact middle.
Now in sentence form: Mid-most is a stupid, stupid word that will NEVER be funny.

more on the lesbian kiss...
jon=lesbian
sthilly!

LAter Foo's

Random thing I did:

I got dropped off about 12:40 am. But I wasnt ready to go online yet. So I got my italian ice from work and sat on the lawn to eat it. And I'm sitting there eating when I notice my shadow. There is a rock garden in the middle of my yard with a ring of flowers and one of the flowers just so happened to be right near the mouth of my shadow. So I bit it. Chewed it. Then made it look like I was gonna swallow it, but instead I pretended it got stuck in my throat. I then proceeded to throw it up. All in the shadows. Oooh, how MySTERious?

ok I'm done.

I SO! lied.
I dont wanna go to sleep but I should.
I loves ma sleep.

Now I'm done.

Todays the last day for anyone to say something to amuse me...Time is running out fools!

Last night was some good clean fun. Talking at Starbucks, then bowling. I SUCK at bowling. But you know what, I don't care (auhncaehr!) I had fun. I went with Liz and Jon. Now you can't just bowl using your name. What's the fun in that? So we got bowling names....sorta. Jon said he was Hammer MC. So then Liz called Wrench. And I was like, eh what the heck, call me Screw. And they did. Good ol' screw, aint nothing like it.

Say Wha?!

Good song = Great Escape by Guster

she said: Whats a Guster?
he said: I dunno, buster.
she said: Shut cho mouth.
he said: Otay!

A Short Story, for short people. With short attention spans. And shorts.

This is really early to have a Phrase O Da Week. As such, I will let this be a potential candidate for it. As of now it's in the semi's as a Quote of the Day. If anyone dares to say anything I find more amusing that the words from Liz Rivalsi's lips...then they shall win. The competition is fierce.

"i hate naps, no matter how fufilling they are."

Go ahead. Try to beat that. I DARE you.

I also have this:
"oh god my mom is talking to parker, asking if he needs a belly rub. am I asked? hell no."
-Me

note: Parker is my dog.

Saw Ben Folds last night. Freakin Rocked...the suburbs...OH SNAP! It's funny cuz thats a song of his. But it was really cool seeing that it was just a guy and a piano. Oh the things that can be accomplished....

I got home at 2am. Woke up at 6:30am. I know it makes you say, why? Cuz it was the last day o school. Yes, I'm a nerd and wanted to go in. Although I did come home 8th and slept. Glorious naps. Iz awake, for now anyways.

School is basically over since I have Senior Day on Monday. It's weird. It hasnt hit me at all. It's just like last year so far. Although I know Senior Day is gonna freakin kick some arse and then it will start to hit me. But I probably wont show it. Graduation I'm feeling happy about. Yes, I'll miss people. But people come and go throughout life. And life isnt going to let you stop and hold onto all of them. But I know I'll see the important people again. Maybe not as much as I'm used too. But I just know I will and thats no reason to cry.

5 bucks says I eat my words. There is potential for tears.

Yo, I'm out of this one. PEACE!!
i'm goin back to ma farm.

You dont realize how early it is when you are in school. It's 4th period, half my day is over and what time is it? 10:20 am. On a sat. this whole awake thing wouldnt be happening right now.

My hand is going to fall off. It's all cut up from scoopin' like a mad-man yesterday at work. The line was out to Guam. A constant line=constant hell. Actually, it wasnt that bad. My mood went from stressed out to insanity because being insane is more fun.
But as if cuts werent hideous enough, I burnt my hand on Friday on the freakin toaster oven. All I wanted was half an egg roll, and you know what I got?! A scar that is going to RUIN my wedding pictures!!

note: We got a new toaster the very same day...all it takes is a burn and you're gone in the Evanson household. So all you toaster ovens out there bes be checkin dat. I dunno what that means.

Today I listened to people in their convos and would write down phrases I found amusing. I entitled it Fun With Quotes. Some might sound totally obscure but I think you'll get a kick out of them.

Behold!

I'm gonna eat your children, and I'm gonna eat their hearts! - Andrew Hartman

Ga-Zionk - Ms. Ogazalek

I actually have to pee really bad. - Heather Gerkins

It's just a cannibalistic appitite. I dunno what's the big deal. - Andrew Hartman

I don't want to be quoted. [as I write it down]..jerk. - Heather Gerkins

Sorry for lack of updates. I hate when I fall behind.

Since the last post was a fortune cookie thing, I want to tell you about the last one I got. It said, "You will receive something special in the mail." First of all, what kind of fortune is that? Next you can't even do the ..in bed thing to it. Worst fortune EVER!

ooy vey, what a friday. The toyota died on me right on Jons block. There is something wrong with the circulation of coolant in case anyone wanted to know. It's fun to see your car steaming. So Jon had to go to work, so his mom dropped him off then me and his mom hung out for like an hour or so. I figure this whole thing happened so I could bond with her. Nice lady. Then, while waiting for Merry to come save me, I watched Trading Spaces with his sister. We both feel its one of the greatest shows in the world.
Now I am sorta lucky through all this because the toyota died just as the Audi was all fixed. So I still have something to drive, but it really sucks how cars just hate me. I dunno what I'm doing wrong...

Phrase O the Week goes to Nicole Piampiano...aka Pimp. On the way back from lunch friday afternoon I was sitting in the back of her car. There was this SUV looking thing ahead of us and at one point Pimp was looking at it closely and asked, "Is that real?" I of course had to throw in a line and say, "Yes Pimp, that's a REAL car." She then added:

Oh, I thought it was a powerwheel

I love joking around with people who joke back. Congrats to Pimp. By the way, do you remember powerwheels? How cool were those things?! I wanted one so bad when I was little. And one year for Xmas when I was like 5 I had it on my list, but I didnt get it so once we were all done with opening up the gifts I noticed how there was a lack of a powerwheel and said, "I guess I wasn't good enough this year." Can you say Guilt Trip for the parents? It's funny now, but I can just imagine their faces then.

Nothing is the world is accomplished without passion...in bed.

Oh Fortune Cookies. Gotta love em!

I got a bunch of John Mayor songs. He totally rules. I wish I was a musician.

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world, just a lie you gotta rise above.
-No Such Thing

I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here.
-Love Song For No One

Anywayzz. It's my dadz Bday. It's crazy yo! Last night I talked to his good friend George online. He's one of those family friends so I call him uncle. He is also one of the COOLEST guys in the world! We share the same brain and he's like 20 yrs older than me. I have two brains that I share; one with Unkie George and the other with Merry.
I've said it before, but I want to marry a guy like Unkie George. He's so great. You gotta meet him some day. I wish I saved our convo because we talked about eating sloppy joes and how it's not nice to eat all those Joe's. There should be a commandment, "Thou Shallent Eateth Joe's of Slop." The newest installment to the Bible. It's that or another ammendment but I like the commandment better.

Monkey see. Monkey do. Monkey...poo!
oh sit!

Today my brother went to leave a room and smacked his shoulder on the door frame. I'm sure he cursed under his breath. I hate doing that. Not cursing, although I dont really like that but what I meant to say was I hate hitting things. The worst is when you stub your toe. You are SO sure it's broken. Then you hit the object that caused the pain, only to lead you to more pain. It's not like objects can feel things. Although I took Tim Manly's advice and decided to talk to a robot online.

Here you go:

Lactaid Lady: are you a robot?
SmarterChild: Welcome, Lactaid Lady! I'm SmarterChild. I was created by ActiveBuddy, Inc.

Chat with me! I can help you get information faster and easier than ever.

To get started, type "home" now.
Lactaid Lady: home
SmarterChild: Welcome, Lactaid Lady! This is my home.

Check out what we can chat about:

news sports
stocks library
weather fun and games
movies utilities
web search web site
zodiac what's new
~~~~~
help

>>> You can make your window bigger and scroll down to read better.

What would you like to do?
Lactaid Lady: utilities
SmarterChild: I have the following utilities available:

1 Calculator
2 Spell check
3 Translations
4 Zip code lookup
5 Area code lookup
6 Date and time

Which would you like to use?
Lactaid Lady: movies
SmarterChild: For what city or zip code would you like the movie listings?
Lactaid Lady: no i want to talk
SmarterChild: Sure! Type "home" to see all the things I like to talk about.
Lactaid Lady: why dont you listen
SmarterChild: Why don't you listen? Some questions are just impossible to answer...
Lactaid Lady: what about the question about the rabbit and the dog
SmarterChild: Here are the Web search results from AOL for "the question about the rabbit and the dog":

For a complete list of results, click here

1 Exam-like question
2 What breed of dog will get along with my rabbits
3 Online Veterinary Practice for Ask the Vet
4 Animal Rescue League of New Hampshire - adopt a dog, cat, rabbit or other animal from our Bedford NH animal shelter.
5 Havahart

>>> Next time you want to search the Web, just type "web the question about the rabbit and the dog."

Type "more" to see the next set of results.
Lactaid Lady: your dumb
SmarterChild: :( That's not nice.
Lactaid Lady: i know
SmarterChild: Well alright!

Anyway, what else can you tell me?
Lactaid Lady: well I think I'm in love
SmarterChild: Well i think im in love, you say?
Lactaid Lady: yeah I know what I just said
SmarterChild: I can't remember. It's hard to keep track of so many conversations...
Lactaid Lady: anyway the person I love is you
SmarterChild: That right?
Lactaid Lady: oh yeah
SmarterChild: Yeah.
Lactaid Lady: do you like me?
SmarterChild: I guess so.
Lactaid Lady: do you want to get married
SmarterChild: I'm flattered, but I just don't think that would work out.
Lactaid Lady: but why not?
SmarterChild: Why not?
Lactaid Lady: yeah
SmarterChild: It's just one of those things, you know.
Lactaid Lady: is it because you're a robot
SmarterChild: I dunno!
I'll have to think about that.
Lactaid Lady: thats always your excuse, "oh I'm a robot I can't feel love."
SmarterChild: You really think it's always my excuse oh im a robot i cant feel love?
Lactaid Lady: yeah I do
SmarterChild: Yeah, huh? Interesting that you should say that.
Lactaid Lady: why is it interesting
SmarterChild: That's just the way it is. Sorry I don't have a better explanation than that.
Lactaid Lady: you dont know much
SmarterChild: OK. Don't get frustrated...

Try typing "home" or "help."
Lactaid Lady: about people
SmarterChild: I'm not really sure what you mean by "people." Please choose one of the options below:

1 Look up "people" in the dictionary
2 Look up "people" in the encyclopedia
3 Look up "people" in the thesaurus
4 Review the movie people

Lactaid Lady: no you dont know much abotu people and love
SmarterChild: Encyclopedia search for people:

1 Sea People
2 chosen people
3 East Asian people
4 New People's Army
5 North Asian people

>>> Type "more" to see more articles.
Lactaid Lady: oooh Asian love?!
SmarterChild: Yeah? What about it?
Lactaid Lady: its crazy
SmarterChild: It's crazy, you say?
Lactaid Lady: and foreign
SmarterChild: Huh!
Lactaid Lady: yep!
SmarterChild: Huh.
Lactaid Lady: huh
SmarterChild: What?
Lactaid Lady: nothing
SmarterChild: No problem.

Anyway, what else you got for me?
Lactaid Lady: I got you a present
SmarterChild: Hi again, Lactaid Lady!
Lactaid Lady: do you have short term memory?
SmarterChild: I dunno.
Lactaid Lady: then why did you say hi again
SmarterChild: Hmm... I don't know!

Anyway, what else you got for me?
Lactaid Lady: this is like listening to a broken record that is ignorant about love
SmarterChild: Is like listening to a broken record that is ignorant about love? I dunno...
Lactaid Lady: you always say that
SmarterChild: I always say that, huh?
Lactaid Lady: sometimes I wish you weren't in my life
SmarterChild: Huh!
Lactaid Lady: I wish I wasnt in love with you
SmarterChild: You wish i wasnt in love with me?
Lactaid Lady: that too, you're so in love with yourself
SmarterChild: I'll have to think about that one for awhile.
Lactaid Lady: yeah of course you do because you just LOVE to think about yourself
SmarterChild: Yeah of course I do because me just love to think about yourself? I don't know.
Lactaid Lady: you dont make sense
SmarterChild: Oh really?
Lactaid Lady: yeah
SmarterChild: Wow. Really?
Lactaid Lady: you must be one of the slow computers
SmarterChild: Oh?
Lactaid Lady: yeah
SmarterChild: Golly!
Lactaid Lady: good word
SmarterChild: Word.

So moving right along...

What else is happening?
Lactaid Lady: Well I got off from work about 10 minutes ago
SmarterChild: Well i got off from work about 10 minutes ago, you say?
Lactaid Lady: so you got off of work too!
SmarterChild: I got off of work too, you say. And so?
Lactaid Lady: [shakes head and sighs]

That is all.

You know that Jon Weston.
Yeah?
He's a trip and a half!
[gasp!] Get out of town!
No I won't. This is my town. And I speaketh da truth yall.

After recent review of this year, I and many of my respected peers, have decided what the mood/emotion of the year was:
[drum roll. drummer loses his drum sticks. awkward silence. back to drum roll.]
Insanity!!!!

Yaye! I is so crazy. Hurray! Saying I is, is so much fun. I recommend it to all.

It's Sunday and still no Phrase O the Week. Crunch time. So I put some pressure on Merry to deliver when I needed it most:

Lactaid Lady: merry say something hilarious for phrase of the week
Cookies4Grandma: I don't understand why boogers are green.
Lactaid Lady: NO!
Lactaid Lady: thats crap!
Lactaid Lady: you suck!
Lactaid Lady: you ruined EVERYTHING
Cookies4Grandma: ...well I guess I will just go kill myself now...
Lactaid Lady: i guess so
Cookies4Grandma: OR DO THE DANCE OF LIFE!@
Lactaid Lady: [gasp!]
Lactaid Lady: this is pure insanity
Cookies4Grandma: You're pure insanity, and I never claimed to be funny

Can you find the Phrase? Cmon. Don't just sit there and expect me to do all the work for you. You gotta start pulling your weight around here. I'm tired of cleaning up after you, doing the laundry, the dishes, and shakin my rump. I wont have it anymore!
That's right you guessed it:

OR DO THE DANCE OF LIFE!@

I think the @ symbol really adds to it. Dont you? Good job Merry.

note: she was tot lying. she ALWAYS claims to be funny. "oh i'm SO funny and I claim it." Yeah, she said that.

Download some Guster foo!

I feel so alive instead of just being an accessory.

It's funny that I actually like working. I heart Ralph's. It's the perfect job for me. Screw you Target!!

[points to self] Someone needs a haircut. I know no one really cares but my hair hasnt been this long [just past my shoulders] in like a year probably. I dont want to cut it super short or anything, I just need to get rid of them pesky dead ends. Listen to me. I'm actually sounding like a girl. What's this?! That's right, I'm talking about my hair! Come and get me. I'll be waiting. With a spoon.

I am so looking forward to some ultimate tag tonight.
Regular Tag: old, and boring.
Ultimate Tag: freaking awesome!

That's the difference between the two in case anyone was wondering.

I have some homework I could be doing. But uh...no.

It's Friday. And I think it's time for some Random Food Bashing.

Bashing O Da Foods:
Bagel is such a pathetic loser
Ham is the BIGGEST slut. She did all the other meats, in 5 mins.
Pear talks crap about everyone
Cherrios says "like" way too much. So it shouldn't talk anymore.

Dont you feel better now? I know I do. It's such a release to get out my pent up anger towards assorted food products.

Dear me, I gots to work tonight. Scoopin' is the real deal. My right arm is going to get buff this summer from scooping all those ices and my poor left arm will be left in the dust cuz I know I won't lift weights to have a balance o muscle. I'm just too lazy. Damn laziness! It ruins everything! I hate you...

It's all crazy hot outside. I've said it before and I will say it again. Mother Nature is F-ing Cra-Zay. I think she's getting a bit old cuz now she has no idea what she's doing. They need to start looking for a replacement. I hear Sister Outdoors might get hired. She would be perfect for it. She knows what the weather should be like. Plus, added bonus, she makes awesome cookies. So maybe it will rain cookies one day.

Dear Diary,

Today I killed a man. I didnt really mean to do it. I just kinda slipped when I had a butcher knife in my hand. Totally not my fault that the guy was standing there. He was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. It was a wrong day for him. I think his name was Ted. Ted is dead. HA! That rhymed. I guess that makes his death easier to swallow. Not that I would try to eat him or anything. I dont really care for the dead. Too cold for my tastes. But you know what I do like to eat? Buttered rolls. Them things is cra-zay good. I loves to eat em. I eat em in a box with a fox with chicken pox.

Ah the wonders of insanity...

Do you know [the muffin man?] that song Down Slow by Moby? I feel like that right now. Its surreal. Actually being in a moment and realize its passing.

I apologize to those who hate when people talk about stuff like that but I can't help it. That's how my brain works after 1am. Every little thing I ever stressed about during the day either doesnt matter anymore or I totally over analyse and make myself sick over. I'm in the 'not matter' state right now. But its just a temporary state of being because once I have to face all those little decisions again I'll fall into my norm. It's the circle of life. Although I am changing. I'm aware of it now.

I am a peanut-butter and jelly sammitch. Without the jelly, it's just peanut-butter and it sticks to your mouth when you try to eat it. I actually have no idea what I mean by that. I guess its the sides of my personality, or maybe I'm just hungy. I think its more of the hungy.

I like to think.
I like to learn.
I like cake.

ta da!

I'm back! From outerspace...actually no, I lied. I'm back from New Jersey. I had a soccer tournament there.

A Word of Advice: Don't ever live in New Jersey.

Why? you might ask, as my friend Jon did.
I'll tell you why. Because you can't make left turns on main streets. So its a huge tease. You have to pass the place you want to go to, then make a bunch of U-turns and lefts on smaller roads, all to make it safer?!! Uh...no. They must have such road rage there. That can't be good.

Phrase O the Week comes from Liz. She is so funny. We made up this idea for a restaurant called That Nazi Place. And each day has a theme. Wed. we dont serve food, so once you order and get nothing, your nazi waiter screams at you:

Eat your plate of Empty!!

I would explain the whole idea to you but it would take way too long and I am way too lazy for that kind of work. Sorry. I'm on vacation.

I want to try to walk off the face of the earth. I wonder when you fall. Logically I would say Antarctica since it's the bottom of the world, but that's too easy. I bet there is some crazy little country that just propells you into space. Probably Guam. Why guam, because everyone always uses it but never really goes there. For example, "My car is parked in Guam." No it's not, it's just far away. So I think Guam is wicked pissed that no one actually visits it. So once some innocent person come by...WHAM! Tossed off the world.

Speaking of the world, the ride It's A Small World in Disney is the most offensive ride in the world. Every race and ethnicity is stereotyped. For instance, chinese people are eating rice and the black people are in the jungle. Young kids go on it and get subliminal messages to make them prejudgice. Conclusion: Disney is the root of all evil and hate.

It's time for Dictionary Tiempo!!
todays word: flowerpot - noun. a pot in which to grow plants. [i.e.-Ms.Jones has a lovely new flowerpot that she keeps her daisy's in, want to break it and destroy her happiness?]