Foreigner confusion:

Yesturday Yvone was telling me her confusion over some girl and said, "I dunno if she's human, alien...or a guy."

It's mostly in the face. Aliens have slimy grey skin and big black eyes, girls are pretty..and guys are rugged. That should clear things up.

F bomb!

stop being a bastard post section!

The last o the last:

Just then Joan Rivers turned around and noticed the bomb was dead. She screamed and her face cracked. She was so angry that her plan failed that she began to melt, until all that was left was a puddle of Botox.

They all rejoiced. But Tori Spelling was frozen still. She was mesmerized by all the paparazzi taking pictures.
Then out of no where, Charles in Charge’s star Scoot Baio showed up. He had been looking all over for Tori Spelling so they could be together the way only early 90s television stars could. He kissed her out of her daze and they instantly fell in love and wanted to get married.

Inspired by their affection, MC Hammer suggested that Michael Bolton “turn this mutha out” with a song, and he did. He sang ‘Love is a Wonderful Thing.’ (enter music here)

But this happily ever after didn’t last very long: The seven washed up stars got their second chance when they were offered a sitcom on the WB, but only the pilot was shot and then it was pulled before it could be aired. Tori Spelling and Scott Baio stayed married for a solid 2 months and then divorced faster than J-Lo could ever imagine.

D End.

Mo' Story:

So finally when the day arrived they all got into Mr. T’s A-Team van and drove to Hollywood. Mr. T had an AT&T commercial to shoot so it was on the way. The whole ride he kept giving Tori advice to stay in school, drink her milk, and don’t take drugs.

When they arrived, Macgyver escorted her out and down the red carpet. He was there not just as a friend, but as a bodyguard. The whole time he kept a look out for any danger. The he noticed that her snap bracelet was keeping time. But when he looked closer he saw that it was counting down. He had seen this before on his self titled action packed show - Macgyver. He had to stop the bomb, where ever it was. And he had less than three minutes to do it.

He scouted around, and listened for a tic of a bomb. He looked over to where Joan Rivers was standing; she was getting her finishing touches on her make up. It was then that he noticed a tic and he followed the sound. He ran through the crowd of stars and to Joan Rivers’ camera crew. It was there, by the microphones, that he saw the bomb. It was attached to the bottom of the microphone labeled, “Tori Spelling’s microphone.”

At this point he had a minute left. He didn’t come prepared so he did what he does best – use random objects to save the day. So he used his wrist watch, a complimentary mint toothpick, and the chewy caramel center of a milk dud. With seconds remaining he diffused the bomb and saved the day.

End Part 4

Story Cont.:

Why a snap bracelet? Joan figured, it’s tacky and anyone who tries to bring back a trend from the ‘80s should be blown up.

Joan was extremely pleased with her plan and she would have laughed manically but all the plastic surgery prevented her from doing anything else but smile and constantly look surprised.

Back at the cottage Tori was helping Alf memorize his lines for his next 1-800-Collect commercial when Macgyver came back from his daily walk with the mail. He noticed the invitation for Tori and called her over.

“WOAH!” cried Joey Lawrance, “You got invited to the Golden Globes!”

“Oh my God!” she exclaimed, “I guess they don’t hate me after all. But whatever shall I wear?”

MC Hammer came over and offered her his beautifully glistening blue jumpsuit. As much as Tori loved shinny objects, she knew it wouldn’t fit.

“Quit your jibba jabba! She’s got a package too” said Mr. T.

Tori opened the package and saw a wonderful dress just for her with a matching snap bracelet. “Goodie, I love snap bracelets!” she exclaimed.

“Who sent it to you?” asked Angela Lansbury.
“Joan Rivers. Aw, how nice of her, I’ll have to make sure to go and see her when I arrive,” said Tori.

But this whole thing seemed suspicious to Angela. “How curious? Why would Joan Rivers send you a package the same day your invitation arrived?” Her work on Murder She Wrote was making her want to get to the bottom of this mystery, but no one else listened to her, for she was old.

End Part 3

Meanwhile, in the forest Tori Spelling was losing hope until at last she arrived in a clearing where a lone house stood. She went up to the door and could hear the song “Can’t Touch This” playing inside. It was one of her favorite songs so she opened the door to hear it better and she found seven pairs of eyes on her.
“What’s going on here?” she asked.

Mr. T stepped forward and with all this gold chains replied, “We are the seven washed up celebrities, fool!”
She looked around and noticed who was there; Mr.T, MC Hammer, Angela Lansbury, Macgyver, Alf, Michael Bolton, and Joey Lawerance who noticed who she was and exclaimed, “WOAH!” in pure Blossom fashion.

She told them her story about being shunned away and they all nodded in agreement, for they knew her story all too well. They were all surprised she held out so long.

Back in Hollywood (after getting another face lift), Joan Rivers searched far and wide for a way to kill Tori Spelling. In the end she decided to print up a fake invitation to the Golden Globes that stated Tori was being acknowledged for her work in the 1987 classic, Troop Beverly Hills. With the letter she would include a dress for her to wear, along with a snap bracelet that was the triggering device to a bomb. Once Tori arrived on the red carpet, Joan Rivers would call her over and the bomb would go off.

End Part 2

Everybody who loves Mr.T go here http://www.angelfire.com/weird/monkeys/mrt.html (sorry I couldnt make it a link, it wasnt working so copy and paste it)
its this crazy sound board, he says sucka so much! Oh and nobody drives the van but him.

ok I have decided to post my storytelling fairtale for all o' yall. But I know people dont' like to read too much, so it will be in pieces. Like an HBO special with the voice of Tom Hanks!

The Hollywood Version: Snow White and the Seven Celebrities

Once upon a time in the magical kingdom of Hollywood there lived a producer who had a daughter. Her name was Tori Spelling. She was attractive and had no acting skills at all, but because she was his daughter he put her in everything he ever made. But one day, he died and the rest of the people in Hollywood hated her so much for all her terrible acting that they wanted to cast her away. This time her daddy couldn’t save her. So she was banished to never act again and sent to Northern California.

Soon after the most shallow and annoying fashion expert in all the land went up to her mirror and asked, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose hated most of all?”
The mirror replied, “Why you Joan Rivers, but there is another. Tori Spelling is hated still for what she did on Beverly Hills 90210. She was cast away up north and is wandering through the woods there.”

“Then she MUST die! For only I shall be the most hated in all the land!” said Joan Rivers. But before she whisked herself off to conjure up a plan to destroy Tori Spelling and broadcast the whole thing as a television special on E!, she asked, “Who is she wearing?” Then she proceeded to make bad jokes about K-Mart having a sale.

End Part 1

Random Quote: I like babies - Yvone

Then later on Dana and I hugged Yvone to make an asian sandwich. Then we cornered her and proceeded to see if we could pick her up cuz she is small. We took turns. We could both pick her up. Hurray!

GASP! My first fan email!

TJ writes: What do you think about the movie Old School and its stealing of your website name?

Well, I was in the movie theatre when I saw the trailer and thought it was the most amazing trailer, simply because of the name. Initially I thought, it was pretty cool that they shared my name. Then after awhile, I thought about it - alone in a meadow, and it started to annoy me. I mean, if that movie sucks they could systematically destroy all the things that old school is associated with. I am worried for my future. I fear the worst. And as such, I am putting out a Red Alert for the readers of my site. Please read as much of the archives as you can and buy lots of duct tape and put it around your computer. If there arent many updates for about a week...fear the worst. But otherwise, Will Ferrel could make that whole thing worth seeing.

More emails are appreciated.

Ok today I was thinking how I have a high tolerance for the cold. Often times when others feel it is really cold I am standing around in a t shirt saying its so hot. But here in Ithaca my tolerance is gone. It is so ridiculously cold out here you have no idea. My nose hairs freeze, I curse as I walk around and the wind attempts to blow me into a snow pile. So not cool. And I find it very disappointing that I am so damn cold. (shakes fist at Jack Frost)

Also, as I got onto the elevator I was thinking how awkward it is when you are with one other person who you dont know...in the elevator of course. And you could say well it only lasts for about a minute until you get to your floor, but still...I feel the need to address the uncomfortableness but instead I lean against the wall and pretend to be in deep thought or fuss with my jacket, anything to not think about the other person there. But if we just opened up, do you know how many elevator friends you could make?! So then I got onto the second elevator - because I was avoiding being outside - and we stop on one of the floor...low and behold, Dana walks in...and so does this other chick. So Dana and I exchange witty banter and then we all start to complain how the elevator stops of floors and no one is there and how it wastes a good 3 seconds of time. This girl is proof that elevator friends really can happen.

I checked my Ithaca webmail and I got an email from the Asian Club. I'm not asian....silly mailing list.

Ok addition to last post. As Yvone and I were reading the last post about her being swallowed by the gates of hell we began to elaborate on what it would look like. Each time I got a visual of her yelling and flailing her arms as she is being sucked down into this spiralling abyss. And she yells out, "This BLOWS!"
She then acted it out and I proceeded to piss my pants.

She then had this to say, "What?! That is what I would say, that does blow."

Yaye!

Yvone wants to be in the website and I have thought of quoting her several times but then I forget what she says or its too offensive. But today, I will not censor it. That's right. Get ready. Hide the kids and get ready to pray after reading this.

So she comes into my room and I asked how her night was and she says, "a lot of sex and drugs."
And I ask, "with who?"
she answers, "with God." Then she apologized to him but it was too late, the gates of hell opened and swallowed her whole.

And last week she said "whore" in church. She is totally doomed. For sure!

oh and also: Sheryl Crow rules.
I say this as I bizounce to the mad phat beats.
peace out.

Oh and belated Shout Out:
To: Ms.Marie
Why: The "H." Brownies and Barry White CDs for ma Bday.

After Creative Writing I went into the small grocery type store to get more of my Lactaid Milk. I left without a bag, I wanted to boldly show that I am Lactose Intolerant. And as I am walking back to the dorm I notice this grey wool glove with this red thing on it that looked like a cloth tongue or mouth. I figured hey! sock puppet or crazy animal mitten. I was SO right. There stood a lone frozen whale mitten. I picked it up, looked at it, then put it back down. As I walked away I said, "that sucks. Poor Mr. Whale." Then I felt bad for leaving him but I figured there was a reason he was there. Maybe if he's still around in like a week I'll take him in.

Then as if that wasnt enough - I just realized how anti climactic this is - I saw a lady standing outside by the dining hall smoking and wearing a plaid/flannel jacket with big stitched orange pattern on it. I mummbled, "oh boy thats ugly."
And it was.

Wanna hear my PSA for Media Production? Well you don't have a choice. Realize how lucky you are you spoiled brat, when I was your age we lived in a due-plex and walked barefoot with nails in our heels because the doctors said it would make us taller. Anyway...

It's been said that milk does a body good, but to some its deadly.
As many as 50 million Americans are lactose intolerant. Dairy products like cheese, ice cream and milk can send them to an early grave. Lactose Intolerance is the most common disorder in the world. So let's stop the bloating before it starts and outlaw milk.
Do it for the children.

Paid for by PAM; People Against Milk.

Oh man I TOTALLY Rocked the gym. What now? What? My 8am professor never showed up and for the duration of the 15 mins we all wait I heard many people talk about how long they should wait til they leave. We always did that in HS, saying ok 5 mins. 5 mins up. Ok ten mins, thats all. Once we get the courage to go, the teacher walks in, only I never really got out of my seat. I would just act all bad ass like I didnt want to be there, but yeah, I'm a geek and I like to learn. SO?! You're just jealous.

Last night Yvone said: I learned english through Magic.
Freakin cheater.

My Storytelling class is killing me. I mean, its cool and very interesting and keeps me on my toes but I read like a crazy mo-fo. I have to read about 100 pages by Wed and I still have to see The Pianist for it, thats a movie by the way. Oy, look at that. There is so much work, I've become jewish.

I have to wake up at 730AM tomorrow, that will be fun, hopefully I will get up for it...unlike last time. Silly ol' alarm clock pulled a fast one on me. Then I'm saying I'll go to the gym, we'll see how that pans out. A lot of times I kid myself while awake and the sleepy part of me says...screw that I want more sleep!

In other news, there is way too much stuff I need to do I'll be happy when the weekend comes. I mean I like being busy and all but sometimes its too much and I hope I dont splode. Spontanious Human Combustion has to be such a crappy way to die. I mean one minute you're all hey I'm gonna walk over there and the next BOOM you are a ring of black ashes on the floor...but I bet your shoes would be intact, especially if you got on Adidas. (wink)

I better get free shoes now.

Wanna hear a sentence that makes no sense?
Ok here you go: Hello, want to go to the flowers and pick some potatoes?

Guess who got hyper last night and said that to Ben? It was really the hat I put on that made me do it.

Oh and I saw Octopus 2: River of Fear last night. Wow, that was astounding. The actors were SO good and the special effects blew my mind. I wish I was in it.

I've begun to wear my blue doctor scrubs around as PJs. This morning I didnt have much time to get ready for breakfast, and to be honest I wouldnt have changed anyway, so I wore my scurbs. While at the table Ben was saying how I could be forced to operate on someone because of the scrubs. I said, "Screw you!" and kicked him in the head. No no, thats a lie.

Anyhoot, we then discussed my practice. You see, I would give free exams on the side of the highway and I would be drunk because as Ben pointed out, I'm irish so that means I have beer flowing through my veins. (Don't worry, everyone hates Ben so we are used to his ignorance and jackass personality.) Then after awhile I would move into the bathrooms of Mobile stations and the owner would get mad because I would never give him back his key that had a wooden block on the keychain. Dr.Col, it's free because well....I'm a drunked Irish girl who is only 19 and has never gone to med school. Come by sometime. And if you dont want brain surgery, then I'll just pump gas into your car.

Yeah so I missed my first class today. I wake up and I'm all, oh man I gotta pee. I squint my eyes to see the clock because I am blind without my contacts. And it looks like the first number is a 9. I think, hey thats not right, I'm supposed to wake up at 7:35am. Unsure of my eyes, I squint again and say....OH NO. Check the alarm, yeah the common mistake of setting it on PM. DAMN YOU 8AM CLASS! And I was gonna go to the gym afterwards...now its just too far away and I can't believe I slept through the WHOLE class. SO annoying, but maybe it was fate's bday gift to me.

In honor of true Colleen spirit I give you, a poop story:


Lactaid Lady: so i walk into the bathroom that has 2 stalls
Lactaid Lady: now I had to take a crap
Cookies4Grandma: ha okay
Lactaid Lady: and BAM there is the RA tweezing her eyebrows
Cookies4Grandma: haha ofcourse
Lactaid Lady: so i linger, and she notices me so i continue
Cookies4Grandma: continue to linger? or to poo?
Lactaid Lady: and i was like...well i hope i have to pee too
Cookies4Grandma: haha okay
Cookies4Grandma: I see now
Lactaid Lady: i found myself in the stall
Cookies4Grandma: alright
Lactaid Lady: so i wait a minute and i was like...ok if i dont pee this will be weird...cuz i'll like sit in silence and then flush..
Lactaid Lady: and pretend i peed
Lactaid Lady: but she'll prob know
Lactaid Lady: but alas...I peed and avoided such a situation
Lactaid Lady: but it was scary for a sec....and i still have to poop
Lactaid Lady: lol
Cookies4Grandma: lol okay
Cookies4Grandma: ohh you didn't poop yet!
Cookies4Grandma: that just happened!
Lactaid Lady: lol yeah
Cookies4Grandma: oh MAN
Cookies4Grandma: that's great
Lactaid Lady: oh yeah
Lactaid Lady: i'll brb...you know why
Cookies4Grandma: I mean it stinks (literally) but it's great nontheless
Cookies4Grandma: ha okay
Cookies4Grandma: bombs away!
Lactaid Lady: lol back
Cookies4Grandma: what happened this time
Cookies4Grandma: you cnanot be that quick of a pooper
Lactaid Lady: smooth landing
Cookies4Grandma: no way!
Lactaid Lady: ooh i am
Cookies4Grandma: I'm freaking impressed
Lactaid Lady: thanks
Cookies4Grandma: wow I reallyam though
Lactaid Lady: LoL
Cookies4Grandma: that was really I mean really quick@
Lactaid Lady: well i mean I had to go
Cookies4Grandma: still
Lactaid Lady: eh...well I do pee fast too
Cookies4Grandma: it doesn't take a little time? I mean it's just hey there it is
Lactaid Lady: i guess
Cookies4Grandma: I pee fast too, but I think I take a little longer than a milisecond to poop
Lactaid Lady: what can i say
Lactaid Lady: its a gift
Cookies4Grandma: you are super pooper
Cookies4Grandma: haha!
Lactaid Lady: oh man!
Lactaid Lady: I totally am!
Cookies4Grandma: I'm on to you SP
Lactaid Lady: what are you gonna do journalist woman
Cookies4Grandma: you have the whole superman get-up, but the only 2 differences are the S on the suit now says SP and there is a butt flap
Cookies4Grandma: cause you can't be waisting time taking off the tights
Cookies4Grandma: nothing, I am content with the victory of figuring you ouy.
Cookies4Grandma: *out
Cookies4Grandma: and with that thought fresh in your head
Cookies4Grandma: I must depart

DE End

I just read about blogger for my Mass Media class. Oh man I am so cool cuz I know what they were talking about. It twas so unnecessary for me to read cuz like...I know everything about the world.

In other news: Today I was at some auditions for Trailer Park because they want to get some more people. I am already a Field Producer for those who dont know, and think I was there for talent. No sir. I sat in the control room, put on some headphones, and talked about whatever to the people working the camera. You see these people couldnt see me cuz I was in the...i dunno...room with lots of buttons and technical stuff. So I had no problem saying random things and BSing with whoever answered when I said hello? or breathed like Darth Vader, or rapped with the director about how the telepromter wasnt working and they should use the script, or when I quoted several lines from Missy Elliot's Work It. Man I love that song.

Oh and more RA stuff. I was outside talking to Kim and Dana my common mischief lets-say-things-that-sound-racist-while-the-RA-is-near-by bunch. So I walk out of my room and one of them tells me I should be a part of the KKK...for no reason. I dunno. So I say, ok I guess I'll start hating blacks. Lo and Behold, they begin to laugh and look past me...I turn around...yeah the RAs door was closing. EXCELLENT! I dont really think she heard, but now I'm the top dog for worst thing said.

The other day I got a new tray at the dining hall. This bad boy wasn't all cracked and gray from being washed too many times. It was black and smooth. It was the Jaguar of dining hall trays. Jules just missed getting it. Instead she had to deal with a crappy Ford POS. Sucks for her. She was SO jealous. I told Sara about it and she asked if I put it in my website. I thought about it. Then I did.

Oh and now I'm a part of 4 shows. Another improv comedy is added to the list. It's much like Curb Your Enthusiasm on HBO. There is a basic plot but the dialogue is made up on the spot. I wasn't sure if I would get it cuz I only did one scene before I had to leave. And we kinda went off topic a bit which the guy pointed out but as I left he said, Thanks Colleen. Then low and behold an email shows up saying I got it. Oh and I might take over Quabble next year and be THE Producer. How cool is that?! We'll see.

**I am aware that a couple posts ago I have the same story about 3 times. Don't feel the need to read all three. Unless you are really bored or have short term memory**

I went sledding last night with Tony and Rob Flack. It was great. I hit some serious air on the snow ramp, ma brotha. I got to get my sled on with a one man blow up raft, a boogie board with a plastic bottom-hello speed, your classic long plastic sled which sucks, and the ever so classy dining hall tray. The tray is fun cuz you lay on it with your stomach and then arch the rest of your body so you dont hit the snow. You are so close to the snow its like your flying or something.

At one point we were going down this hill near a house and the guy came home. He goes outside with his dog and Flack and I were waiting til he left...well I wanted to cuz I didnt want to be attacked by some dog. So we waited, and waited, and this dog seemed to want to stay outside and we couldnt see where it was so we moved over like 10 feet or so and were going for one of our last runs. I was on the faster sled so one we went down I got a bit further than Flack did. I heard chains gingling and was like Oh my God I'm going to be attacked by a dog now. I had an instinct to over my neck, but instead I got up to see where the dog was. Boom hes like 2 feet away, freaking HUGE German Shepard. His hair was sticking up and he was growling a little. The owner told me not to worry.

I look to see Flack, hes like 6-7 feet away and not moving at all. So I start to move back and the dog doesnt want me to and Flack tells me to follow him and, "don't move." The dog listened to its owner and left. Walking back Flack told me that he saw the dog coming over to me and thought Colleen is going to be attacked and there is nothing I can do.

Needless to say, the fun overpowered my fear of being eaten by man's best friend.

hello

Oh man last night was hilarious. You see we got this new RA this semester who is from Jamacia as well. Only she doesnt know how crazy I am yet. However, she keeps hearing and seeing some things that are revealing my character in truely sitcom antics of all the wrong things.

Two days ago: Around 930 Dana, Kim, and I were hanging outside my room as I blasted Rap music and we danced full out. There was booty shaking and some bandanas worn. At one point we were showing each other moves outside my dorm when the RA came out. Naturally we all stopped and stood against the wall. Silence. She looked at us, we looked at each other. Laughter. She was confused. We didnt know what to say. But it looked like we were up to something. She later asked us to lower the music.

Yesterday night: Dana is outside my door, Kim and I are inside. Dana drops the F-bomb right as the RA passes.

Later on: I was attempting to read for Media class and Kim steps out of the room, Dana leave and goes to the water fountain just outside my door. I can hear her talking to me but I'm half listening. She says, "I love talking ghetto and being white." Then there is a silence and I thought she went back to her room or something. Then Dana head appears as she leans over and looks at my desktop, half laughing she says, "oh my god."
I ask, "what?"
Then I figure it out. "Oh no! She heard the ghetto thing?!"
Dana falls to the floor with laughter.

Later she wishes she heard her say, "I like bunnies cuz they're sweet and cuddly."

We joke about how much the RA must hate us and want to write us up for hate crimes. Then once again I start playing some Rap and R&B when a black guy Courtney walks by and sees us bouncin' our heads. He knows Kim better than Dana and I...and Kim as she told us is "mixed." So he stops to look then gives the peace sign. Kim shouts, "What are all the black folk out tonight?!"

We later thought of how much worse it could get. Basically we ended up with the RA walking in and we're watching the Rodney King beating.

I am not a racist.
I laughted so hard. Especially when Dana spent most of her time on my floor wedging herself between my wall and dresser. She had this to say about her appearence, "I'm like a crack hoe sedated in da alley." My wall how says "Dana's Alley."

We were in fine character last night. We need our own HBO show. It would KILL, I'm telling ya!

I had some trouble posting, so you dont really have to read the same thing 3 times. Just read which ever one you want.

Rats! I totally wrote something and its not here now. WhatEVER computer! Anyway, last night was hilarious. You see we got this new RA on the floor and she is from Jamacia as well. She doesnt know yet how crazy I am. Unfortunely pieces of info, and the wrong info have been leaking out in sitcom fashion. Mostly it's my friend Dana who has it the worst. Here is among the things done and heard:

Two days ago: Around 930 Dana, Kim, and I were hanging outside my room as I blasted Rap music and we danced full out. There was booty shaking and some bandanas worn. At one point we were showing each other moves outside my dorm when the RA came out. Naturally we all stopped and stood against the wall. Silence. She looked at us, we looked at each other. Laughter. She was confused. We didnt know what to say. But it looked like we were up to something. She later asked us to lower the music.

Yesterday night: Dana is outside my door, Kim and I are inside. Dana drops the F-bomb right as the RA passes.

Later on: I was attempting to read for Media class and Kim steps out of the room, Dana leave and goes to the water fountain just outside my door. I can hear her talking to me but I'm half listening. She says, "I love talking ghetto and being white." Then there is a silence and I thought she went back to her room or something. Then Dana head appears as she leans over and looks at my desktop, half laughing she says, "oh my god."
I ask, "what?"
Then I figure it out. "Oh no! She heard the ghetto thing?!"
Dana falls to the floor with laughter.

Later she wishes she heard her say, "I like bunnies cuz they're sweet and cuddly."

We joke about how much the RA must hate us and want to write us up for hate crimes. Then once again I start playing some Rap and R&B when a black guy Courtney walks by and sees us bouncin' our heads. He knows Kim better than Dana and I...and Kim as she told us is "mixed." So he stops to look then gives the peace sign. Kim shouts, "What are all the black folk out tonight?!"

We later thought of how much worse it could get. Basically we ended up with the RA walking in and we're watching the Rodney King beating.

I am not a racist.
I laughted so hard. Especially when Dana spent most of her time on my floor wedging herself between my wall and dresser. She had this to say about her appearence, "I'm like a crack hoe sedated in da alley." My wall how says "Dana's Alley."

We were in fine character last night. We need our own HBO show. It would KILL, I'm telling ya!

I have a Quote of the Day for you. Well actually its a quote of yesterday. I dont want to lie to you. Let's keep a healthy relationship, ok? So anyway, after some serious booty shaking with some friends we stopped and pondered things in life. That's when this happened:

Dana: Remember Don Delouise? Whatever happened to him?
(laughter)
Me: Who is Don Delouise?
Dana: He was that big fat guy. He was like 2K.

I guess its not really a quote as it is a section of some dialogue from the previous day.

So check this out:

I get back up to Ithaca College and turn on my computer and WHAM on the desktop is Kazaa. Now you might think, ok big whoop. If you do then you dont understand Colleen's desktop. It doesnt have Kazaa for two reasons; it messed up a computer at home, and the its not worth it here cuz it takes FOREVER to download songs.

Now I know you could say, well hey..someone probably put it there. No no you see I put a towel over my computer so robbers couldnt see it and it wasnt moved. Therefore, no one touched my computer and Kazaa put itself into my computer. My analysis is that Kazaa can't get over me. I mean I totally broke it off with him and thought he understood I didnt really want to be friends cuz it would be too hard but NO he comes and brings himself all up in my business. He is trippin'. I think I need a restraining order or something.

DAMN YOU KAZAA
...................Kazaa
...................kazaa

That ladies and gentlemen was an echo.

Today I got engaged. It was so romantic. Jon and I were going into the very fancy King Kullen to get Rice Krispies and marshmellows to make..you guessed it...Rice Krispies Treats! So we go on line and buy it. Afterwards Jon had a quarter so I told him he should buy something. We got over to the machines and then he said I'm going to buy you a ring. I asked if he was going to ask me to marry him and he told me to close my eyes. So I did, I wasnt going to be rude. My eyes were being all closed n such and when I opened them Jon was on one knee. He asked me to marry him and I said Ok. All the check out clerks were looking, they were so jealous. So he goes to put the ring on my ring finger and it didnt fit. You'd think he would have shopped for one that was MY size, but no. Once it didnt fit I was all...I guess we can't get married now. But he was in denial and thought it would still happen even though I knew it wasnt a real diamond. Cheapskate. Then we got back to my house and we got into a fight and he wanted an annullment. I gave it to him. But then we thought we could work stuff out, but if he hits me...it's over.

Married life is tough.

I know I have been slacking off with Phrase O the Week but i mean its not my fault if people dont say funny things. Or that they do and then I forget them cuz off all the drugs and devil worshiping that I do. You know I bet I actually could do all those things. Because everytime my mom asks what I'm going to do when I'm about to go out with my friends I tell her we're going to get high/sell drugs to kids/worship the devil. So I mean, I could totally do it and even tell my mom and she would think I was joking. Finally I get to become the dirtbag I have always dreamed of.

Hark! An epic story about a child in search of inner meaning and the 50 little people who helped her pull a giant airplane on Fox's new show...Man Vs. Animal. Read away:

Lactaid Lady: but i am a cold hearted bitch
FJive45: at least you you're facing your true identity
Lactaid Lady: its about time...you know maybe I should go on Dr.Phil
FJive45: ooooh
FJive45: he'd set ya straight
FJive45: get in yo face
Lactaid Lady: thats right...he'd tell me, "you know sometimes its hard to see your own face without a mirror"
Lactaid Lady: he is SO full of wisdom
FJive45: i dont know how he does it sometimes
FJive45: takes my breath away
Lactaid Lady: hes a giant among men
FJive45: a floater among sinkers
Lactaid Lady: there is no faster way to my heart then through poo references...

I think I mention poo way too much. I mean my life consists of other things, but I constantly mention poo. It's just funny. But sometimes I scare myself.

I'd like to address the issue of a certain Mail Man. Now there is this light near me known as Five Corners, this light blows because it takes for-ev to get a green light so I take a side street to avoid any road rage. When I take this street every so often there is this Mail Truck around and the Mail Man goes around on foot with his bag full o letters and he goes door to door; he's pretty oldschool. So whenever I drive past him, he waves. The first time I gave a confused wave back figuring that he mistook me for someone else. I see him again, and yeah, he waves. At this point I'm thinking, What is with this guy? My analysis is that he is "going postal" and he doesnt really care who he waves to, he just waves. There I am thinking I was all special...and then I see him waving to someone else in another car. I knew he couldn't be trusted. We are SO over! I dont need him!

WhatEVER

I saw Upright Citizens Brigade and it was amazing! Special thanks to Jesse for allowing me to stay at his "crib" and for all the crazy new inside jokes and of course giving up his bed so I could go sleepy. I saw Racheal Dratch go into the theatre and was so starstruck it was crazy. I was all...OMG! That's Racheal Dratch. Now I know many ppl are freaked out by her on SNL cuz she plays these not so pretty characters but I think she's hilarious. Jesse and I made a goal for this summer: take the UCB Class together. I really hope we do it.

On the train ride back I sank into my own little word as I listened to the American Beauty soundtrack and Fiona Apple mix. This guy sat next to me for awhile and at one point I looked over and saw his ear. This was no regular ear people. The outer rim...i dunno what it's really called, but he totally had hair growing there. I was like WHOA! That's gross! And then I realized he probably didnt like it when people looked at his abnormal hair growth on his outer ear. Gee, I hope he doesnt read this...

Where the F is everyone?!

Daily Shout Out:
To: Horatio Sanz
Why come?: Cuz he incorperated "I'm just jenny from the block" into the improv. Well done my friend. Jesse and I were really hoping to hear a line from Missy Elliot's "work it" but JLo was a good replacement.

Last night I was all, "I'll get up semi-early around 11ish and work out for a bit."

The reality: I woke up and forced myself out of bed at 12 and then ate cocoa puffs.

Yesterday a telemarketer called but I had already said hello...so that kinda ruined the whole breathing heavy thing. Really is a shame cuz I would really like to do that. David Letterman was talking about them the same day I wrote about that and he was saying to pretend that you think you won a big screen tv and say how excited you are and you knew you would win, that way they feel bad when they say no no you didnt win anything. You could be all depressed and hang up, or they wont even try to sell you anything cuz they feel bad. If they do still try, then it is my medical opinion that they are mean people with no hearts.

Yesterday while at the Ben Folds concert which was AMAZING. 3rd time seeing him and it was so worth the 40 bucks. But before he came out I was putting my feet up on the seats ahead of me and then I would wedge my feet inbetween the two seats. At some point I stretched them out by the floor you know just leaning back n such. Next thing I know I have this purple sticky crap on my sneakers. I'm all, what the F?! I have no clue where it came from but it totally invaded my personal space and sabotaged my sneakers. So not cool purple stuff.

I have been thinking about telemarketers lately. You see I know when they call because there is that 5 second delay and then somehoew they pronounce Evanson wrong, how that is possible? I dunno. So I feel bad being flat out mean to them because I mean it's their job and they probaby get a lot of mean people and hate their job and I dont wanna add to that. Now a problem arises. How do I get them to stop calling without resorting to anger? I have the answer. Next time one calls I really really want to pull this off.

This is what I want to do: Wait for them to start selling something and then start to yell at other people who arent really there. I have this situation in my head that I start yellin at my pretend raging ex-boyfriend who has come to the house to seek revenge since I denied him my love. This way I get to have a fake screaming match with myself. I get to be his voice and I'll pretend to struggle for the phone and ask if its that punk Tom. Then threaten "tom" on the other line, saying "you're dead pal, I know where you live." Then hang up. The telemarketer will be so confused and shocked they wont ever call back. But they will have a story to tell all their friends.

Another thing I could do is just not answer and breathe heavy into the phone. That would be easier to pull off then my planned out soap opera. I'd prefer to do that one with someone else so that way there could be overlapping yelling n such. Plus it will be so much more compelling.

Peace out.

I watched Back to the Future 2 tonight. That is such a great movie. I thought the future would have flying cars and plastic clothes and hover boards. I found out that takes place in 2015 so we still have time. But while we sat in my den and watched it there were many comments that it wasnt really the future, it was just the 80s version of what they thought was to come. Now that sounds obvious but all it really showed was the 80s with more plastic and rubber and metal clothes, still bright obnoxious colors, and attempts at advanced technology...top of the line graphics which was like bulky 3D stuff.

I think I failed at describing it. Just rent the movie, you'll know what I'm talking about.

yeah i have nothing else to really say. adios

After watching Fightclub I was thinking I would ask some of my friends the following, "What would you do if I slapped you in the face?" I asked this thinking if the answer was, "I'd slap you back," I would accept that consequence with a shrug and proceed to slap the crap outta their cheek. However, no one said they would slap back. Sudie was indifferent and Liz said she'd get boogers all over my hand cuz she has a cold. DRAT!

Later that night as I got out of Dave's car Sudie and me got into an all out fight. It was amazing. Liz and Dave sat in the car and watched as we struggled to knock each other to the ground into the snow. He got my hands a bunch of times but I got myself out of it until he wrapped my arms around myself and I hooked my foot behind his, locking his leg and falling back. Needless to say he broke my fall. I lost my hairband but it was worth it.

Oh yeah and the city rules! We went into the St.Patrick Cathedral and as we were walking around in total awe of the architecture there was this homeless man asleep in the pews (sp?). Sudie said, "picture."

Lactaid Lady: josh would you ever take a dump, catch it in a bag on the way into the toilet and then shake it out onto someone's lawn?
ISmellNY: maybe
ISmellNY: depends
Lactaid Lady: on what?
Lactaid Lady: if it was ziplock...
ISmellNY: i'd like paper more
Lactaid Lady: ok so you'd crouch in your bathroom and dump on some newspaper
ISmellNY: sure
Lactaid Lady: then throw it on someone's lawn
ISmellNY: sure
ISmellNY: why?
Lactaid Lady: i dunno i think it would be hilarious if someone actually did that
Lactaid Lady: i mean, what a great story to tell my kids

Yeah so I think I'm addicted to Hot Fries. It all starts with one fry, then I'm all eating the whole damn bag. The other day I bought 2 big bags of them and that same day I ate one whole bag by myself. I then waited til later this night to eat the rest of the hot fries that my brother opened. And I think tomorrow I'll go out and buy s'mo. I hope they make a patch and I can get myself out of this potential road to disaster ASAP. First its just one bag a day, then suddenly I blow all my money on it, and I'm selling my parents bed for cash to buy up all the bags at 7-11. Then I'm living on the streets dancing on a box to make ends meat...so I can buy bags. Then I'm heating the fries on a spoon and shooting it up.

And so today's lesson is not to throw carrots at old people.

I apologize for no updates in the past days. I have totally forgotten about the Phrase O the Week. I've decided who it will go to.

This week it goes to Merry. You see in the beginning of the week...or was it last week? Eh, whatev. She wanted to go to a diner. But there were some conditions of going. You see Merry doesnt like to take these things called "showers" very often and won't deny that. One fine day she asked me to go to the diner with her wearing pjs cuz she hadn't showered OR changed even though it was about 3pm. I said ok fine, I'll change back for you. After that Sudhanshu was saying how great it would be if him and I didnt change and Merry had. He couldnt wait to see her face, because he's the devil. Then as we were discussing her reaction if we showed up wearing regular clothes Merry said:

if you show up without pjs on I will cut your face off with a knife

Aw, Mer...that's SO sweet. You'd do that, just for me? Wow. We are special friends. Nothing says lovin' like a slash to the face.

Note: Her statement single handedly scared me into at least wearing PJ pants instead of not changing at all as Sudie had wanted.

Breakin' da law!

A car drives up to the stoplight. Straight ahead its empty. No one is behind me. All clear to the left. On the right headlights shine from the police car. The girl inside laughs.

Colleen: I was thinking of going through the light if it wasn't for that po-po.

A moment passes, the cop goes over the hill. Another set of headlights approaches and passes through the green light. The toyota sits still at the red.

Colleen: I hate this light. No one is ever around and its still red.

She looks around again. No one is around.

Colleen: (to Tim) What do you think?
Tim: Do it.

The toyota goes through the red light. Soon after there are sounds of rejoicing and claims of being bad ass.

I'm too lazy to write something original so I'm just gonna plagerize. Oooh I'm so bad!

In regards to coming over to my house; feast your eyes upon this convo:

Cookies4Grandma: Is anyone else a-coming?
Cookies4Grandma: But honestly col...
Lactaid Lady: what
Cookies4Grandma: if Sudhanshu is coming, I don't want to be there.
Lactaid Lady: lol
Lactaid Lady: you had me
Cookies4Grandma: score!
Lactaid Lady: i was about to type, dont worry if your tired you dont have to come over
Cookies4Grandma: lol
Lactaid Lady: i was being all sincere and what not
Cookies4Grandma: You just want to make out with Suds AND Jon
Lactaid Lady: yep
Lactaid Lady: i'm a hoe
.

A Merry Christmas Indeed.


Ok this is what happened. We went over to my relatives and ate and such. It began to snow on the way home so it took some time to get back. Alas, once we landed my brother threw a snowball he would later regret. It's destiny was to hit my father square in the head, he laughed, my dad threw some back. I went inside. Then I got on this fine machine (computer) to check my mail. Then revenge was had. Out of NO WHERE my dad comes in and gets my brother in a head lock. I had no clue what was going on. Shawn was desperately trying to escape and thats when I knew my dad was unleashing his internal fury. Yes people, a horrible fart was ripped onto the body of my brother over and over again. Shawn got out of my fathers grasp and stated that, "I can taste it!"

Sudhanshu sat on the floor, unbeknownst to the smell, when the wave of gas flooded his nostrals. The smell was spreading. He cried out, "OH MY GOD!!" I knew I would be next and braced my nose. I said, "I'm not going to breathe." But alas, my attempts failed. Oh, the humanity.

Tonight we were eating a mighty fine Christmas dinner and Sudhanshu realized that the wine glasses we were all drinking from were different. And as you should know, different means not the same. So there we are drinking from our non-matching glasses and my mom asks what that means. Both Sudie and I say how it means we are all individuals and each glass should be appreciated for what it is. Then my mom states, "oh wow, man you guys are deep."

Currently I am watching the documentary of the Evanson's 1989 and let me tell you, I never knew my voice could be so high. Oh and I have a semi-mullet. ROCK ON!

Sorry I havent updated, I got back from college and I could lie and say I've been so busy that I couldnt, but thats a lie. When you have nothing to do, getting up is just such a hassel and you get SO lazy. I hope this laziness doesnt go to far and I dont let myself go. If that happens, then all the old ladies of the town will gossip about what happened to me, because I was just so energetic n such.

May it be known---------

I realize I have fans of the website, and sometimes I feel obligated to write stuff and then I look at it like homework instead of fun time to write. But alas, it tis my fate. For I hath made it a link from my AIM profile online and thus the people hast clicked and the "oldschool" was birthed. For ever and ever shall it reign. Yippy Skippy.

Hello?

Oh so who saw Lord of the Rings? Yeah me! Wow, that was so great. It was also long. I liked it better than the first one, but probably because the first time I saw it I was wicked tired and thought there would be some concrete ending. I wasn't informed there would be 2 others. But that was then, I actually am motivated to read the books now. Crazy huh? And I must say the Elf...oh he's the man.

Also -

During this huge fight scene the screen decides it doesnt want to show us the movie anymore and goes black. The theatre was packed with older teenagers and adults and it didnt take long before the yelling began. Everyone turned around, looked at the projection booth and shouted. I got really scared for a while that all the angry nerds would start throwing things and start a riot. But since everyone in there was a nerd, no such thing happened. It suddenly got very hot in the theatre and many people wondered around outside near the video games as we waited. This was at 1 oclock. Around 110 or so, it came back on. We rushed to our seats, and they didnt rewind the good 1-2mins that we missed, so alas I'll have to see it again. What a shame...

I want ma 7 bucks back!

You know how I blame most of my excessive gas on being lactose intolerant? Yeah thats a lie. I think you're old enough now that I shoudl tell you the truth. Santa is real, the Easter Bunny does exist and he summers in Rhode Island. The tooth fairy, well thats a sham. But now the truth about my gas:

The truth!

Well, you see I like to steal people's happiness. So when I get my hands on their happiness, I eat it. It's delicious with roast beef. Anyway, it goes through my system and in the end I burp out people's angst. It's actually quite a beautiful process.

A clever ploy!

The other day I tripped a little bit on Kiehl's shoe that was near him as he sat in his chair by his desk. I fell towards him, then began to laugh as I always do once I've almost fallen. Other people saw it and laughed at me, however I quickly turned the blame on Kiehl telling him...."That was a clever ploy to try to get me fall into your arms." We all had a good laugh, but since then people have been using "clever ploy" like there is no tomorrow. People, I'm glad you enjoy such a phrase, but lets calm it down before I get it copyrighted and then you'll have to pay me a dollar everytime you use it. So if you use "clever ploy" please, use with caution.

Today I was talking to Dana. We were discussing colors. She told me she didnt like that everyone likes the color blue, and I said, HEY I like the color blue...you got a problem cuz we can take it outside. She said, ok maybe we should. So we marched outside into the snow in our snow boots. Mine were blue. Her's weren't. We go back to back and start to take 10 steps forward, our snowballs fully loaded. I'm about to turn when I say, you know I like silver too. She says, "Silver is like the gay grey."

We laughed. And dropped our snowballs to the ground and then had a pillow fight and talked about boys.

Yeah that whole thing was a lie, except for the stuff about the colors. Yeah I lied, so sue me.

Oh yeah and the rock that holds my door has been stubbing toes left and right. I loves ma rock.

Finally she updated!

Yeah you know what shut up. You don't know me! You acting all cool with your brushed teeth and combed hair. Hey pal I can do that too. Just because I dont live the fancy life with the hollywood stars on my driveway and those fluffy soap foamers for the shower. Damn you! I can do it to. I can make a fluffy ball out of cardboard boxes and stick it together with toothpaste.

I will now stop myself. I am aware that I am not making any sense what so ever. You see, I was attempting to go on a hilarious rant but I lost my vision as soon as the tv went on. I was all focused. And then suddenly, I was all...not. I apologize, I have failed you as a writer. Perhaps I should go into the super market business as a clerk or stock person, or even better the seafood shop girl. That way I would watch the lobsters in that tank all day. Then on one not so special day I'll bust them out of there and blame it on Kenny the Janitor because he's a hippy.

Yesterday I farted on Yvone at least 7 times. I mean, yes, I am pretty gassy but that was unheard of. They just kept coming so I was like...ok share the wealth. Ben told me I was grosser than any of his guy friends. Soon after that I began to burp.

Yvone had this to say about her experience:

"I want to be like you so I can fart on people. It's so beautiful and meaningful. It's like your sharing yourself with other people because you are a very giving person."

"Oh my god, you burped and then you farted. You are amazing. You are God."

Now I know I aint no God, but I think the reason for all my gas is being lactose intolerant. My stomach kinda sucks. And guess what I had yesterday! Ice-cream and I had only one pill with me so I think that one pill took away the pain but didnt stop the flatulance.

____________________
This morning I was eating an english muffin that I put jelly and butter on. At one point I went to take a bit and some of the filling fell out. Hmm..where did it go? Yeah, right on my pants. But not only was it on my pants but it landed on the best spot, right on the crotch. I mean this thing hit the seam. It's crazy. I haven't changed my pants yet.

I think I will make this the Best Line used by a teacher in a handout...It's a detailed award, but oh well this needs to be in a category all it's own. Ready? Otay!

You see, I had to write this 10 page paper for my Courtrooms and Communications class and he gave out this handout of what an analytical paper was. The paper was about an actual court case we observed and the teacher, Mr. Sullivan, gave an example of what not to write. One point was to not describe what you saw.

The example:

The defending attorney asked the witness, "So Ms.Rose, are you a compulsive liar, or just plain stupid?
The witness replied, "Boo Hoo, I hate you."

Let me tell you that as I was typing the lawyer's question I already began to laugh at the answer. I get a visual of these things and it makes stuff 10 times funnier. Oh that Sullivan, he's such a pissa.

And for that he deserves the Phrase O the Week.

Can you believe this guy? Comes from no where and wins to awards in one day, and the one award was made FOR him. Geez, what is with Colleen. I think she has a crush or something...

Hey SHUT UP!

I had to go to work today, that sucked. I hate that dining hall with a passion. I hope that I dont ever have to go back to that dark, dark place. It's evil i tell ya, evil! Last time I went looking for another job the only other opening was as a model for an art class. A nude model. For a second I seriously considered it. But then I was like...ah-No! I mean cmon, I'm not Christina Anguliara...or however it's spelled.

I watched behind the music of Busta Rhymes, this guy is awesome. But I wish they did a behind the music on Ace of Base. Athought that would probably only be about 10 minutes long. Oh well...

Go away!

Today I was walking in the snow and and I noticed the sneaker prints. Some of them had skids from when people would run and slide on the snow. Bur there were like these mini skids on the end. And I was thinking, what the heck? That is such a waste of a skid, because it was obviously not long enough to slide and enjoy the ride. Then this kid in front of me was dragging his feet as he walked and I noticed he was making those same makes. It was then I realize, those mini skids were just proof of people who dont know how to pick up their feet. I hate those people. They piss me off like you would not believe. I kinda wanted to push him. But I didnt.

Today I also saw the closing arguments about a rape case. Yeah that was pretty crazy. Now I have to write a 10 page paper on it...by Friday. YES! I got 2 pages done. So I feel semi-productive. I need to get a robot to do it for me. A crazy 10 page expert writing robot with rose colored cheeks, blue eyes, and a love for ceiling fans.

It's time to guess which present I actually want!

1) Bland CDs
2) Weapons of mass destruction
3) the plague
4) basket full of apples with smily faces on them

the light outside my dorm door is blinking like a mo-fo. I like it though, its a really slow strobe light. It also has this artistic touch. I find it very interesting. The word I'm searching for here is "character."

Sorry that the last comment wasn't really ment to be funny, but if you found humor in it...good for you!

Uh yeah I feel obligated to write something hilarious and I can sense my impending failure of that so I'll probably just ramble. Ok there is opera coming from the hallway...who does that? Who plays opera? I didn't know there was an old lady living next door.

Today after taping a show me and some fellow co workers remembered the good ol' days of Mortal Combat. The blocky digital blood, the repeated leg swipes, the Finish HIm! voice. Those were the days...none of that crazy 3-D things. I think I know how my dad feels, I mean he has pong to compare things to and while I am a fan of pong, I mean cmon. It's kinda, well, dated and and even old school mario can kick pongs ass.

the end.

Hark! An update!

I'm going to mention this in very colleen fashion. Yeah you guessed it, a story about poop.

Ok so last night I was in Sudhanshu's room talking to Kiehl and Douglas when I my bladder was like hey it's time to go. So i go into their single bathroom on their floor, low and behold...no there wasn't poop there, but there were some poop marks. There was one pretty big one and then a couple smaller ones. I do my business and flush, and the little marks get wiped away thus making the marks fresh. I went back to the guys room and told them, I even showed Sudie. Then we discussed how it was made. Kiehl said it had to bounce around when it flushed. In the end we concluded that it was a big floater that bounced when flushed.

As if that weren't enough for ya...check this out!

This morning while talking to Sudie (new nickname for Sudhanshu I just came up with) he told me that when he went to brush his teeth in the single bathroom someone left a HUGE deuce in there and didnt flush. He said, and I believe this will win Phrase O the Week:

It looked like the work of a giant.

Daily Shout out!
To: Jules!
Why: During dinner she told us how last night she actually fell asleep at the computer and her head hit the Z so when she woke up there were 5 pages of Zs.

The following is taken directly from Unkie George's email:

It is hard to imagine that the one little complaint was embellished so lavishly!
Well done! If I had only known all these things about myself I surely would have included them in the e-mail. Next time I will include more detail in my complaint.....

As for your father, there are two ways to look at this...

1) He was just kidding and you are experiencing writers block, so you need SOMETHING to get a little bit of juice flowing since you don't have a phrase o the week yet and besides writing about snow nothing interesting is happening, so you figure that a little controversy between two friends who would exhaust themselves mentally and physically taking on each other in a battle of "wits", not to mention the fact that you would gain great pleasure in your father being involved would give you the impetus for great writing. So I see this as being all about YOU!

OR

2) You father was serious and therefore looking to cause serious strain on our friendship. Although I can't see this happening, nothing is beyond possibility.

So if this scenario is true, I have only one thing to say:
WHINER

Quote of the week:

"Get out of bed, unless you can make money by staying there" - George Burns

______________________________

Now I dunno about you, but that stuff about this being all about me was pretty harsh. Although what can I say, I loves ma controversy.

"I will punch your mouth off"
-Me

I'm updating today like a fox!

Them be fighting words:

Today I was talking to my dad and he's all...whats with the long website address that I posted. Hey man, you gotta copy and paste for some fun, I'm not gonna just hand it to you. Then you would learn to be lazy. Anyway, we got to talking and he said something about Unkie George. It was about how he complained that I didnt update and he called him a cry baby, look:
Evshouse: he's a cry baby

What do you think of that Unkie George? You gonna take that from him?

Daily Shout out!
To: Once again, Ms. Marie
Why: She is so set on having me get into the holiday spirit and sent me a mini xmas tree. Rock on!

Do you gots lots o dat holiday spirit? Got nothing better to do? Then go here: http://64.4.8.250/cgi-bin/linkrd?_lang=EN&lah=524bbe89b1f71ffdefd4b59ad786ab0f&lat=1039296984&hm___action=http%3a%2f%2fwww%2ewtv%2dzone%2ecom%2fLadyBoheme%2fdearsanta%2ehtml

He's a little taste of the fun from my own experience:

I thought it was funny when I put Merry's panties on my head and danced the the can can on the couch while singing `Kitties!'.

The only person on my floor who plays music loud enough to bother me is my RA. Talk about abusing her power. Oh wonderful, now she's playing Dirrty by my favorite singer, Christina Angu-whore-a.

Yesterday someone said something funny but then I dont remember what it was. So the quest for the phrase o the week continues.

I saw Bowling for Columbine...wow.
It makes me want to do something.

I also saw Pootie Tang. That is the craziest movie. It's so random and...so bad on purpose that its funny. As Pootie would say, "Sa da tay!"

Random things:

1) Ithaca is a snow globe. I feel like someone keeps shaking up some more snow after it stops for a couple minutes.

2) The other day someone claimed that snow was the white man's camafloge.

3) Today I saw a plastic dining hall cup that was cracked on the ground. As snow fall around it I said to myself, "what a shame."

4) Coming back from class there were these older people on some kind of tour I assume. And old man picked up some snow off the railing and began to pack it in his hand. I thought he was going to hit one of the people in front of him, but he then passed the snow back and forth between his hands. I was like, what is the deal here? As if it wasn't bitter cold enough for him he feels the need to rub his hands in freezing snow? Aren't old people cold enough? As I left to go to my dorm he still had it in his hand. My only rational explanation is that he was making a really really small snowball and only he would get amusement out of hitting someone with it. Stupid old man....

I was watching Letterman and he does these clips from Dr.Phil that are taken totally out of context and recent quote was:

Sometimes it's hard to see your own face without a mirror.

Oh Dr.Phil. That man is SO smart!

You know I don't update for a couple of days and I get some angry fan mail saying...I'll paraphrase:

Oh Why aren't you updating, what the f-bomb?! I am hooked on your site because you are the best human being alive. I wrote People a letter saying that you need to be in their magazine for Best Human EVER! They already have sexiest man alive and you are the coolest person alive. You should make a movie and then win an Oscar. I want to give you all my money. I'll write you a check for a ba-zillion dollars and you can spend it on producing a movie and buying candy and getting a kitty and a limo and a helper monkey and lastly a toothbrush because even though you have an amazing smile, you kinda have some plaque hanging out. I would do something about that. Do you brush 3 times a day? I doubt it. My great Aunt Edna once didnt brush her teeth because she thought there was a vast conspiracy to kill off the magical midgets that live in your back molars that give us magical healing powers. She was crazy, or was she? Anyway, please update. The End.

and now I will cite it (Unkie George pg1)

Oh and Daily Shout out!
To: Opera Baby
Why: Because the baby sings about poop. I've seen it before but still it's hilarious. Thanks to Unkie Jerry for the site.

Funniest thing o the day:

Watching America's Funniest Home Videos and they had this whole montage clips of people falling. There was this one woman in a bathing suit, and she wasn't really skinny and she fell into this pond. Oh my god, it was so funny I had tears in my eyes so I couldnt clearly see the other people fall down. I love to laugh at other people's misfortune.

ooh what to write. So much funny, there just aint enough room up in hea.

Yesterday we played this game called Mafia. Naturally, people died. It's the coolest game. I wont attempt to explain it except that what happens is craziness. But good crazy. It's funny when you try to figure out who is lying and when you know you can mess with people's heads and trust. Oh Mafia, you're so cute.

Also while playing the game Jon was sitting on a couch when he ripped a big long fart. I think he might have tore a whole in the couch it was so powerful. Yvone had this to say about Jon: He farts a lot.

Before bringing the "kids" over to the hizzy (house) for thanksgiving we thought it was funny if Yvone pretended she didn't know much english and just smiled and said: Yeah, good. My name is Yvone. Where is the bathroom? Picture Picture!
It would have been hilarious to watch everyone else look at each other to see if it was ok to laugh...or just to see them try not to laugh. However, this never happened. But in theory it would have been hilarious.

Oh and on Liz's request Yvone now calls her Apple. Why is this? Because Liz likes apples, but she doesn't like to eat them.

I was sitting at the computer minding my own business as my asians friends sat and watched tv in the den. Then out of no where Jules shouts out:

Fluffy puppy!

I'm like...what? She later explained that she was talking to my dog. Yeah right...

Sorry it's been awhile. I is home. Jules is now a superhero. Narcoleptor! better known as Narci. She has the amazing ability to fall asleep and has kicked a lot of guys in the nuts. So, she falls asleep while the bad guy is talking, he walks over to poke her and she kicks him in the nuts. Her worst enemy...a woman.

Yesterday I went into the city with Merry and met up with Jesse. On the train ride Merry brought her suitcase since she was going back to college for a bit. She asked me to remind her that she put it on the overhead thing for luggage because she would forget. So at first I wrote "S" on my hand for Suitcase. Then I was afraid I wouldn't look at my hand and I put my pocketbook around my leg to remind me to look at my hand. Then I was afraid I wouldn't remember what "S" stood for so on my other hand I wrote "uitcase." But then I thought what if I look at this hand first and I say..."Uitcase? What's that?" So I then numbered my hands 1 and 2. Later on I decided to just call a suitcase and uitcase. Then I asked people on the train if they saw my friends blue uitcase.

Today we were watching While You Where Out, it was the first time for Yvone and Jules. The original blonde haired host was annoying Yvone so she stated the following:

I'm gonna kick her.
She deserves to die.
I hate her.

Yvone is a loving person, that's why I keep her around. It's all about the hugs.

Take the Superhero Test. I was Mr.Fantastic...stretch ablility? Pa-lease! Lactaid Lady is WAY cooler than him. Does he have a pill gun that incases the bad guys? I think not.

Background info: I am Lactaid Lady, one of the pioneers of the Super Squad. I am lactose intolerant but with the help of my pill gun that traps bad guns inside of ma pills I can have dairy once again. Radio Active Super Cake aka RASC, my trusty side kick has the power to throw radio active cakes. Her weakness..dark water; it's way scary. Then we have Nerdroid with the power of calculators! She...calculates...things. Yeah. Her weakness=deal batteries. And last is Dr. Grammar. He confuses the bad guys with really big words. His worst enemy would be ebonics. What the dilly?


The words above that form sentences and thoughts were not allowed to be posted for a three days because the internet it a mean face. As such, when I saved it Word didnt want to save the website. However, I found it....all for you

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/quiz/superhero_quiz.asp

I command you to let me post!

Time to take a quote out of context!

"Maybe one day I can pee in it."
--Ben

Oh man I SO saw Harry Potter 2. Jealous?! I was satisfied. It would have even been better than the first one. Fo shizzy.

I also got this crazy cold in one day. Good job cold you invaded my body at an amazingly fast rate. You jerk. There are two things I fear in life: spiders and sore throats. I HATE sore throats, so of course what does Colleen get? A sore throat. Excellent! But to add to the fun, it also brings along it's friends: annoying swollen glands and perhaps slight ear infection that keeps popping my ears. Those guys are also jerks. They like bust into my head all uninvited and then go to sleep on my couch and eat all my Lucky Charms cereal! Do you know how much that cereal costs?! They better watch their backs because I am gonna go ka-ray-zay on their buns. Hot dog bun...hot dog....food

Check it out, I got it this time. Check at the end of the site. These are pictures that came up when I searched for Oldschool and Kick

Behold! Pictures!

I hope this worked...otherwise I'll feel like a jerk for giving you false hopes.

Quote O the Day:

Finally Jules says something funny! She claimed to take on other people's identities today so when she asked Sudhanshu to call her something sexy and he suggested Lactiad Lady, which is MY SN, she shouted out:

I'm totally taking over your life!

She looked me in the eyes and I was scared. Scared for my life, which was being taken over by some crazy asian.

Daily Shout Out!
To: Ma Pops
Why: Check this out. After reading my site about the whole gay incident he sent me this:


Pros and Cons(about not changing):

Pros: The knowledge that you maintained your individuality and made a personal statement.
Con: Your statement may be misinterpreted at a 60-40 rate!
Pro: Don't take as long as mom to get ready.
Con: Still have to wait for mom to go anywhere!
Pro: Don't have to get up earlier to get ready for school.
Con: May look like you didn't get up early enough for school!
Pro: Keep some of your public guessing.
Con: Keep some of your public exchanging rumors!

Go Dad!

Blank Stare.

Yeah so I have nothing to report. Oh wait. I lied. Oh I'm so devious. I'm such a liar. Me pants on fire. But back to the point. Last night I watched more than half of South Park the movie. It's so hilarious. At one point this counselor guy tried to get the kids to stop cursing through a song and dance routine. So he tells them instead of ass say buns, like kiss my buns or you're a buns-hole. Buns-hole. Now there is a word for you. I ask for you to go out into the world and spread the joy and love of buns-hole. Teach the children!

Now you sir, are a buns-hole.

Quote o the Day:

Rob Flack drew I nice long line of black ink along my foot in psychology. Immediately after I turned to him and with a straight face said:

That is garbage.

This is what I heard today:

"We didn't know. There was a 60-40 that you were gay. Because of...what you wear. You know like sports clothes."

My reaction: WHAT!? Yeah, that's right. The people of Quabble dont know if I'm gay or not. I told one of them today that I wasnt as I laughed and said wow. I had NO idea that anyone would think that because I dress in sport clothes I am gay. This blows my mind. I asked around, and other people though I had the potential to be gay. It's hilarious. I never ever thought anyone would think I was because of how I dressed. But then I factored in the fact that I openly burp in public, talk about poop, watch and talk about sports, dont really talk about girly things like hair or guys, always wear sneakers, and then there is the whole funny women thing. There are a bunch of gay female comedians. So I can understand. But it's the weirdest feeling.

I'm thinking I will tell half the people on Quabble that I'm gay and half that I'm not. OR I'll randomly call everyone on it since they seem to have discussed this before and be like...You guys think I'm gay. See their reactions. I'm just such a crazy lesbian.

More poop stuff:

Lactaid Lady: would you ever eat poop?
Lactaid Lady: i mean, what if it was wrapped in a hot dog bun
ProudestMonkYgus: does it involve money
ProudestMonkYgus: how much poop and how much would i be gettin
Lactaid Lady: no money
Lactaid Lady: we're talking about survival
Lactaid Lady: you're starving and all you have to eat is poop in a hot dog bun
ProudestMonkYgus: hmm.
ProudestMonkYgus: i'm sure there's other things i could eat. like leaves/plants
ProudestMonkYgus: where the hell would i be starving alone where the only thing to eat is poop and a hot dog bun?
Lactaid Lady: you've been taken hostage and they leave you alone in a white room
Lactaid Lady: and they only leave hot dog buns with poop for you
ProudestMonkYgus: why is the room white? why can't it be like purple?
ProudestMonkYgus: scoop the poop out. i'd rather smell the poop than eat it. and eat the buns
ProudestMonkYgus: that's my answer
Lactaid Lady: then you lose
Lactaid Lady: and you die
Lactaid Lady: cuz the people watching you will shoot you
ProudestMonkYgus: oh well
Lactaid Lady: they want you to eat the poop
ProudestMonkYgus: then i fail

A shame...

An insightful convo:

Lactaid Lady: you know...here college has made me more accepting and open about farting
ProudestMonkYgus: i love farting
ProudestMonkYgus: i just do it
Lactaid Lady: i fart on people now
ProudestMonkYgus: that's the best. actually no, that's not the best.
ProudestMonkYgus: the best is farting on your dog.
ProudestMonkYgus: that is the best.
Lactaid Lady: i must try that

Last night after seeing Punch Drunk Love, Kate, Jessica, Jeremy and I sat around in our dorm hallway. No one really want to go to sleep yet and no one really wanted to watch another movie or just sit and watch tv. So then I got this idea what we should lay down in the hall and block people from getting past. So I convinced people to actually do it. We laid all together and hid our faces as we laughed histerically at people's reactions.

Some highlighted reactions include:

This is bullshit!
Why are you pretending to be asleep?

And of course the best reactions came from people trying to solve our riddle. You see, after awhile of doing this we figured it would be funny if we had a riddle to go along with it. So we picked: If a peach comes from an apple, then where are all the bears today?

The best thing was people trying to really make sense of it, because I just made it up. Jeremy provided the answer of Kosher Dill Pickle. It was great. People really wanted to figure it out and we used the Hot or Cold hint method and then moved on to grunts. I want to try to get a whole bunch of people to do this somewhere like a supermarket. How great would that be?!

Tomorrow I'm doing this flag football thing and today our team met so we could get some practice in. There are a couple things I would like to point out. First, as a lady walked by with her dog, Jessica randomly says, "Why would you get a white dog? It'll get dirty." Then Kate mentions how black people must look at us and think, "Why are they white? They must be so dirty."

In addition Kate also hit me in the face with the football, my eye is currently being iced. As I walked back to the dorm I kept thinking about when Marcia from the Brady Bunch got hit in the nose. This is probably going to end my modeling career. I had such potential. (Weeps)

Behold, once again the Phrase O the Week goes to Yvone. While sitting on Jules bed, by the way Jules hasnt won phrase o the week - just for the record. Anyhoo, we be sitting on da bed, and Yvone was saying how she was tired and such. She stated:

I can't keep my eyes open, because I'm asian.

She is also getting really confident in her ability to say funny things and once I began to write down the Phrase she got onto a chair and commanded Jules to worship her. I think the power has gone to her head...or her butt. Or a Robert Frost poem, what's with his poems? They're all obscure about being in the woods and lookin at deer and throwing rocks at old people. Old people would prob be really confused if you threw a rock at them...then they'd prob fall asleep.

Robert Frost Poem:

Hark! The snow in my path
the stream of river that flows
a pair of eyes from a deer
it prances and runs away
footsteps in the snow
Glance ahead
I smell Old Spice
Grandpa wonders and mumbles to himself
I spot a rock
pick it up
cold and heavy in my hand
I throw it
Thud.

Quote o the Day:

Conan's view of the Bachelor - That's just a Hoe Fest.

Does everyone have a ticket?

You say: To what?

I reply: To the GUN SHOW {and display my huge rippling muskullz}

All who know me, know I burp as if it is my J-O-B. Now why am I so full of gas like materials? This is what I ponder...my endless search for the truth as to why I am the way I am now. I never really burped like this as a child, so what gives? Perhaps it twas when I was diagnosed as not being able to take on the awesome power of lactose materials, better known as Lactose Intolerance. Or maybe it was the time that I ate that whole bag of Hot Fries without any water. Maybe it began in the long long ago, from the times of the pyraminds...yes! That is it! They are designed in the shape of an air bubble, my bubble, my burps....GASP! I must be the Queen of the Future! They built that temple for me. Quick, I must away!


I fordet what else I was gonna say. I wish I could remember...

One time I told Liz that I went to bed hungy.
Doesnt that make you sad?

Yesterday during dinner I share with Tony and Rob my revelation on Friday. I dare you to gaze at this feat of amazingness. I dont think that made any sense. Just pretend I said something real smart and clever:

If you flip the lower case p's in poop up
You get boob
Hence, boob is poop.

Sometimes the things I think of scare me. But other times they make me proud. This one is still undecided.

Oh and by the way, I still read like it's nobody's biz up here at college. What is the DEAL?! When will they make me watch tv, I mean cmon where is my parent's money going?!

Otay
I'm piecing out of this appy pie.
Yeah, I said appy...as in apple.

Daily Shout Out!
To: Merry
Why: Please read the following.

I was talking to my mom and I reached in my pocket - just for a place to put my hand, and there was something weird in there and I pulled it out and said
"why is there a sausage in my pocket"

BIG UPS TO DA SUNDSTROM'S!
word kid
word

Today I remembered what I was gonna say yesterday. Do you know frustrating that is when you know you had something to say and then you fordet? Oh and that wasn't a mistype. I said fordet.

So what I was gonna say:
When I was working in the dining hall, which is SO much fun (please note the sarcasm), it twas all hollows eve. And so the dining hall people decided to get some music, and no they didn't play the radio, and they didn't play scary songs, they played rap. Now this is amusing to me because the city of Ithaca is in the middle of NOWHERE upstate NY. It's basically a suburban white area, and these people are walking around like they are from the bronx. I was just like...ok this needs to stop.

People of Ithaca, please realize that you are white and the rap thing that you try to do doesn't suit you. It makes you look fat. Take it off.

Phrase of the Week!! Goes to....Yvone (pronounced Eve-on)
Today while in my room I was making fart noises with my hand, a common occurance. My cousins taught me well. So there I was making Yvone laugh like it was my job and I got this really good one. So Yvone says:

I think that one had a poop in it.

Naturally at the sound of such a word I began to giggle. Gotta love poop.

Also, you HAVE to check out this website it is hilarious. Take the Insanity Test here:
http://www.vickysjokes.com/funny/insanity.asp
I am not skilled in the link area of the internet so you have to copy and paste that. But you look like you could use the exercise.

Da END!

Earlier in the day I was going through class options for next semester when I flipped to the Math section. Immediately I stated, Oh hello best friend, how are you doing? But it was real sarcastic like. Sudhanshu was in my room on the computer and said to me. You're a jerk.

I guess hating math and the rath it hast bestowed upon me makes me a jerk. So be it.

Daily Shout Out!
To: Food
Why: Hello, it's food. Why not?! Are you some kind of freak who don't eat no food. Yeah thought so tough guy. Sit down.

Today I...

Today I picked up my stole mini pumpkin from the dining hall, which my boss encourages us all to steal, and I noticed how hard it was. Them pumpkins must work out. Only I never see him at the gym. He's always perched above my tv. But I worry he will get too buff and one day will get mad at me for something ridiculous like keeping my socks with my shorts and then he'll use his guns, aka arms, to beat me senseless. Then the po-po will arrive on the scene and I will insist not to press charges because I love him too much. Damn them pumpkins! Handsome and irresistable...but deadly!

Take everything I say seriously.

Now I'm going to kick it really oldschool and do a lil segment I like to call Dictionary Tiempo (Time):

Todays word: mineral oil - a colorless, tasteless oil from petroleum, used as a laxative
Now for an example: After I got a nasty case of the runs, I decided no more mineral oil for me!

Once again Dave Letterman proves his Late Night Show is a quality program...for all ages! Allow me to explain why. No, please let me explain. Ok, now you are just being rude and interupting. Freaking jerk.

Best way to win my heart involves monkeys. (take a note boys) So anyways, Letterman has the recent survivor loser on and has his assistant ask him a question. So she asks, "Did you see or touch any monkeys?" An AMAZING question. Good Ol' Monkeys. They NEVER fail. Except when they die...

Daily Shout Out
To: Ms. Marie...Unkie George lost his reign.
Why?: Cuz she sent me packages like it was nobody's biz. Cookies AND a History of SNL. Uh...Yeah, she rules. She needs to look forward to a complimentary phone call and a surprise in the mail on it's way. Oh snap!

I got toothpaste on my sock. Only I am capable of such amazing feats.

My friend Rob Flack and I like to pretend we have blow darts in our lecture Psych class. There is a whole system to it. First forming the blow dart with both hands, and blowing the dart out...of course it hits any annoying people in the class. Most of the time we aim at our teacher who never has anything meaningful to say. However, there is this kid in the back row who always has some kind of bagged snack or snapple...Rob and I systematically look at each other everytime he attempts to open either of these products.

Advice: If you have a bag of chips, open it in one quick motion, DO NOT drag it out for 5 mins. More than likely you will feel a sharp pinch in your neck before falling unconscious. In this case, you my friend, can consider yourself blow darted.

Hardcore!