It’s a goal of mine to get famous enough that when I die there can be a really cheesy montage set to light piano keys. This montage will hopefully be full of clips from past movies or tv appearances I have done featuring:

Turning around and being surprised by an old friend who makes me smile
Trying to explain myself out of a sticky situation
As a cop
Getting hit in the face with a pie
As a doctor
Making an “I Don’t Think So” face
As a lawyer
Gazing off solemnly into the distance
Tearfully embracing a man
Waving goodbye in slow motion
And of course saying that famous line of mine in that super hit movie:
“Well, I guess I’ll see you around…” as I slide on some sunglasses
Hopefully after that place it will cross dissolve into me walking away alone into the distance. That or I continue to wave out the window of an old train as it pulls out of the station.

Naturally afterwards there is an honorary award named after me. The Colleen Evanson Tot Aws award. That has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

Despite the 80s I feel pretty confident in stating that in the world of today the only acceptable time one would be allowed to sport a wind suit is if one's occupation was an elementary school gym teacher. You know the type. Neon bright combinations of pink, yellow, and silver/grey placed strategically along the fabric to create ever so flattering zig zag lines. Naturally the jacket matches the swishy pants. Finish it off with a pair of white keds and the whistle necklace.

I don't know about you but our teacher would write our names on the chalkboard and if we were lucky enough to accurately execute the art of dodgeball - you'd get a star. A gold star? Oh no, much better than that. A chalk star. That's right. I got a few in my day.

But I digress. I wonder where exactly you can find a track/wind suit now a days except a thrift store. Is there a special cateloge or store? Perhaps something along the lines of doctor clothes. A place you are free to shop without people thinking you are MC Hammer.

I'm sure that's really what Dr. Martin Luther King was talking about when he said, "I have a dream..." You probably think it had something to do with equal rights for black people but he was really talking about wind pants. That's a little known fact, Jack. You've just been brainwashed by "school." PSSSHT What a joke. All you really need is The Learning Channel and an active imagination and/or ADHD.

So in a few hours I will turn 23. I'm not one for making a big deal out of the ol' birthday. I mostly go around feeling relatively awkward all day. When people say happy birthday, it's not that I'm not thankful they are thinking of me but I just don't really know what the proper response is supposed to be. Wanting to be polite I have to stiffle the impulse to say, "thanks, you too!" And they all look at you, unlike a holiday like Christmas where you all get gifts. I could have been PC just then and said "holiday" but you know what, I'm not jewish, so there's pretty much no other holidays.

Gifts are even worse. Do I open it now? Wait til later? Oh you want me to read the card first. OK. To be honest, half the time I skim over it so fast because after all - I want to get to the actual thing. Because of that I mostly play off of what they think my reaction should be to the card.

Example: If it has a witty phrase in it, they look at you with a laugh and chuckle. Logically I follow along.

It's not too hard.

Then the gifts. If it's not money or a gift card or a DVD it's always a toss up. Will I have to pretend I like it? I hate being dishonest but it's one of those things. We tell our kids to be honest but white lies don't hurt. After all the 300lb man knows he's fat, we don't need to tell him that. So stop pointing little Johnny, that's rude.

Just once I would really appreciate it if the models used in those anti-aging commercials were over 30 years old. Better yet, why don't they just hire teenagers or how about some babies. That way women will still have an interest in seeing the ad since we all know women just love them babies. They'll get sucked in to their cute, lineless faces running around in diapers. You think it's a Huggies promo but WHAM the kids start talking. They can gurgle or what have you and we can just put in subtitles. Or maybe we can see if a throw back to "Look Who's Talking" that way it's a triple threat of a commercial.

Adorable babies + anti-aging + reference to an 80s cinematic classic = ski high sales

Get that ish on you tube and it's over. I'm tell you I need to start my own ad company. I'm walking around here with a gold mine of a brain people!

I was watching a promo for the new reality show called Top Design on Bravo. And yes, I'm sorry but it was while watching Top Chef - hey I got to watch something on Bravo while I wait for Project Runway to return.

Anyways this one designer who is going to be a main judge was making a comment about one of the contestants. He said, "he was like the mayor of excusesville"

Two things came to mind:

1. What if there really is a mayor of excusesville. He's been trying to change the way people see the town, boost tourism, but then WHAM a cable network goes and ruins his campaign. He must be heart broken.

2. I feel for the citizens in excusesville. I'm sure they try their hardest but things just never get done and they have their reasons why. Unfortunately their education system is going down the drain because there are just so many reason's not to show up to meetings about it - um, hello have you seen Heroes? And I can't make it tuesday because I have a date with Olivia Benson. No doubt the economy is in shambles as well. No one shows up to work - not all of us have the best immune systems or can stifle the need to ditch and see a movie, after all how many chances will you get to see Ghost Rider? Not many would be the answer.

So please people, try not to just toss out the hopes and dreams of excusesville. And don't underestimate the beauty of the trees out there come fall. Just don't expect anyone to rake their lawns, because the doctors said they shouldn't do anything to agitate their backs. You know, hernia and all....

It occured to me earlier when a new birth control commercial was on TV to ask anyone in pharmaceuticals:

Is there any birth control available that can prevent immaculate conceptions?

I think it's unfair that adults don't get to play in ball pits at any fast food establishments such as McDonalds or Chuck E Cheese. Why is all the fun reserved for children who clearly don't appreciate it? Instead of enjoying just drifting around in the lagoon of plastic balls they have to throw them at one another or try to put them in their mouths. Kids just don't deserve to play around all day. Sure there are laws against putting kids to work but I mean hey, what good is it doing us? We need reality TV shows to teach us how to raise our spoiled kids - and we get schooled by British nannies! Besides, people break the law all the time. How many of you have turned right on red even though the sign told you not to? The trick is to not get caught.

Just follow my logic here for a sec. If we put our kids to work it will teach them responsibility. If they are responsible they treat the ball pits as a privilege. Also, with kids working they can buy their own damn toys and maybe come xmas time they'll actually buy something for us adults for a change.

If this doesn't work then I propose that there be a fine establishment that is willing to install a ball pit strictly for it's paying customers. Also I feel like there should be a giant inflatable castle of sorts. That way you can burn away your meal after the fact. Jump away that morbid obesity. Get america to not realize they are exercising. It's that or genetically engineered food that tastes delish but has no calories. That way we can all have our dreams come true and become Nicole Richie, minus the whole driving on the wrong side of the freeway business of course.

In general I personally really don't like it when 9 year olds are more successful than I am. I'm talking about Dakota Fanning here. Is it luck? Talent? I can be adorable. I can pretend to be Tom Cruise's daughter in a blockbuster film. Could I have become a child star if I simply grew up in LA and had a fame crazy mom?

If this happened I wouldn't be the person I am, but maybe close enough and millions of dollars richer. What I do know is that in comparison I feel confident in saying I got some wisdom over Dakota. Also what kind of name is Dakota? Nobody lives in North or South Dakota and it's boring there - I know because I never went. I feel even more confident that I could kick her ass. She's probably like 60lbs soaking wet. Pretty much all I need to do is blow pretty hard in her direction and she's on the ground. Stupid kids, they go down so easy and the best part is, they don't properly know how to fight back. Adults win!

Anyways, that girl is spreading herself too thin, she's not far from pulling a Lindsey Lohan aka Drinky McRehab. I'll just have to wait for the eventual crash and burn before I can truely feel closure. She might be richer than I am and half my age but I'm driving a relatively eco friendly car. So take that...whore!

ok good talk. I feel positive about it.

I feel that there should be some kind of law in place that bans the reselling of underwear. Thrift stores, listen up. I love you and your unwanted DARE shirts, your in mint condish member's only jackets, and of course the festive vacation shirts from Florida. However, I question why you would resell old underwear. You can bleach them all you want, but I know there were skid marks on them at some point and I'm not ok with that.

Once again my thoughts prove to me that I should probably be the Master of the Universe if such a position should open. At the very least I should be President. Now this new proposal I have would save many lives and make the world safer. And no, it doesn't involve any terrorists. How is that possible? Well it's called a car.

Yeah that thing you drive, that most people drive even if they aren't really qualified to do so - old people I'm talking to you. Well I was thinking while in the car the other day that so many people speed and I'm sure cops really hate having to pull highway patrol duty or that the highway patrol squad is kind of a joke. I mean sure it's fun to chase people who are crazy dodging in between cars. However for some it's kind of a hassle.

As such I dare to ask...Why exactly do we have cars that go 120MPH? Have you ever gone that fast? Ever been in a situation that you needed to be going that fast? And no trying to make it to a movie on time doesn't count, nor does fleeing the police. Now honestly, can't we get rid of the whole problem of speeding by not allowing cars to go over 90MPH? Make those roads safer and keep the wallets bigger for those who continue to get speeding tickets.

Yeah I'm sure people will jack up their cars so they can speed, or that by allowing cop cars to go faster people might feel like cops would abuse their power. But I mean c'mon, they're going to abuse it anyway. Let the fuzz have their fun.

In response to the President's speech about the new changes in Iraq, I decided there was a very short comment I wanted to make. This quick point comes from my of course young-minded-hippy-loving-leftist-agenda self who supports all them gays. That being said.

It blows my mind number one that the length of this war has surpassed that of WWII. That being said, it's been about 4 years and of all the things the President has done you would think he would be able to pronounce the damn country's name properly. I-rack this I-rack that. You want to give them freedom, start by pronouncing it properly. I-rock.

Perhaps a little catch phrase word association would work. Something like: "I Rock with my plan in Iraq." That of course would be a dirty lie. HEY-O! Score ONE for me!

Either that or go with the clever Arrested Development Bluthe Company phrase: "Stronger than a rock!"

And I just couldn't help but add this quote from the show...
Michael to GOB: Yeah I dunno how using the phrase, 'Stronger than a rock" will help people forget we built houses in Iraq.

He was on FOX and he pronounced it right, so I don't see what the problem is.

After watching several incredible Meryl Streep performances I have decided to draft her a letter.

Dear Meryl,

First off I wanted to start by saying I know you are married. Let's just get that out in the open. Also I know same sex marriages are controversial so if you did decide to leave your husband we could only really get a civil union in Mass. However, I'm not really interested in that either.

You see after watching your performance in Sofie's Choice I could no longer hold back my love. No it's not really a love for you as a person - to be honest I don't even know your birthday. But what I do love is your talent. Now I figure you probs like to seperate your work from your family. As such I was wondering if you would be willing to have a professionally based affair with me. You could tell your family you are preparing for a role or whatevs. I know you def have more money than me but I'll treat you right - you know, always unlock the door for you in the car.

Now don't flatter yourself. Yes you are attractive but let's be serious, you are also getting older. Not that you don't look great but I think it would be pretty ridiculous for me, an astounding good looking young 20-something to have an affair with you, possibily the greatest living actress. I mean c'mon that's just crazy talk.

Though I must make this clear, it's not really the whole you I'm interested in courting. It's that little thing you have that makes me swoon...your talent. So only like 50% of you or so has to have this affair. And I'm not going to pressure you to do anything you don't want to do. I'm down for just talking or holding hands, maybe some spooning. Who knows? Just let it happen. That's how I roll.

So if you are interested in having a strictly talent based love/intense friendship affair with me, please by all means hit me up on my cell. Since I haven't really told you much about myself I'll let you do the work by checking out my facebook and/or myspace page.

Ok I have to go because the latest Miami Ink is on.

Heterosexually yours,
Colleen

PS - If you don't respond I will take that as a yes and I'll swing by to pick you up. Take you to brunch a Ihop.

It's been awhile but I have decided to return. The new year is full of resolutions that will likely fade in the coming months but I am finding the strength to write again on a regular basis. I was posting articles over at www.publichouseentertainment.com but I'm not sure what's going on right now. As such I'mmo do this my way. So here is the latest article I did write for the holiday season a few weeks ago.

I think it's still timely. But if you don't think so you can just jump into your time machine. Oh, what's that? You don't have one. Hmm...aint that a shame.


Even though there are plenty of advertisements telling me it’s Christmas time – oh sorry I mean “Holiday Time”- I’m still not buying. Perhaps it’s the West Coast’s lack of winter weather, which I don’t really mind. But not having to scrape frozen rain off the front of my car in the morning as I curse under my breath did seem to add to the holiday season. I almost miss freezing my ass off….almost.

I’m pretty sure most people are aware that the whole month of December has becoming increasingly commercialized over the years. I’m not about to go on a rant, that has been happening year after year. People go on about the movie specials or long lines at stores or lack of charity. Whatever, life is rough. You don’t have a house and I don’t have Playstation 3. Though I must say if I were homeless I’d make sure to milk the holiday spirit for all it’s worth and save up my earnings to last me the year. Wrap up that turkey leg and save it for later. Thank you soup kitchen!

But I digress, my real issue this coming season has to do with a certain decoration I keep spotting. Now I must start by saying I’m all for Christmas lights. In fact I will most likely be that one asshole on the block who leaves them up all year long. Not only because I’m too lazy to take them down but I simply like the addition. Call me simple but I think lights are pretty. It just looks cooler to be driving around at night and see things lit up. It also would help after I’ve had a few beers. If your house is lit up I’m less likely to hit it.

Though I’m sure they don’t stay up because the sheer joy of only seeing these up for a month makes it all the more special. If this were true maybe recently married couples, especially the celebrity ones, should only see each other once a year. Then perhaps it would last longer. Just saying.

Ok now back to the real issue. The decoration that is taking over. The giant inflatable snow globe. As if the smaller ones weren’t getting enough play we have to blow it up.

Now as annoyed as I want to be over this invention I have to congratulate the inventor. Yes it is completely unnecessary but finally the snow globe is making a come back. First of all you don’t have to shake it, it’ll blow the snow around over and over. Second of all it it’s more to scale. For too long I wasn’t able to really identify with the mini people and their snow covered village. There were just too damn small. I’d strain to figure out if the mini person was wearing a scarf or the paint job was bad. But now I can clearly make out any scene.

In fact I think the only way to improve such an item would be allowing me to go inside. Now I can help the school children finish making that snowman or I can just freak the hell out of my neighbors by waving at them for hours and hours. I’d only really have to worry about choking on the fake snow flying all around. But think about it – you could custom make your snow globe. Dress up like Darth Vadar and swing that 100 dollar lightsaber around. You know the one that’s always in Spencer’s Gifts. Hell you could have a whole lightsaber flight to save baby Jesus! That would really jazz up the holiday spirit and start a dialogue between people. Though it would probably be about how you lost your mind.

Finally we can go back to feeling there are true Christmas miracles happening in our towns. Ones loosely based off of a George Lucas franchise.

please refer to askcol.blogspot.com for a frequently updated site but do stop by Kickin it to see if I found other stuff to write about

the end

Quick story:

I was in a public bathroom recently after watching a play so it was full of "the ladies." I just had to pee and as I situated myself in the stall I heard one of the most glorious things ever. I mean let's face it, people fart and often times you will fart in the bathroom. The toilet bowl is a pretty resonate device and so when this woman near me started to fart, she decided to try and cover it up with coughing.

I instantly started to smile because people always will joke around about that but its rare that you witness this feable attempt to cover up ones farts.

oh and PS - it doesn't really work.

Sorry for lack of writing. My entire life revolves around looking at a mac computer screen. Editing is stealing my life. This week is hell week so afterwards I hope to write more.

It may also be of some interest to know I hit black ice yesterday and my car slammed into a curb at a whopping 10-15mph, creating an explosion which I barely escaped from as the mushroom cloud settled and I wiped my brow. Ok so that didn't really happen but now my stearing wheel shakes when I drive! Yay!

Here's to safe driving!

It's almost time to officially celebrate the beginning of the destruction of native american culture! Thanks pilgrams!

Forever 1/64th Cherokee Indian,
Colleen

Second Grade Journal entry:

If I could do anything I wanted I would...

I would never go to school agen. Becuse we have lunch to late!

Can we talk about my use of choices here for a second? First of all the question was ANYTHING I wanted. Out off all the amazing possibilities like flying, going to six flags with no one there, become a jedi, eat candy all day, etc. I chose something school related. Now of all the complaints about school I could have went with something like the workload, the bullies, the peer pressure, getting up early, mean teachers, having to run a mile in gym class...
No I can deal with all of that but having lunch past 12 o'clock is just inhumane.

Perhaps I wrote this knowing the teacher would check it and hoped that maybe this petition would call some attention to the hard hitting issues of elementary school. ACT NOW!

Second Grade Journal entry: June 5, 1992

This summer would be terrible if...

The beach got blowen away. Then I could not go swimming at the beach. I could not find any shells or big rocks to climb. I could not go to the creek. I could not go fishing or have a bonfrie. I could not have any fun at the beach because it got blowen away. And I could not make a sandcastle. I would not have any fun at the beach. And that would be terrible!

I really like the fact that I went for something that was so dramatic. Not anything like, "oh what if I lose my bike" or "I missed reruns of saturday morning cartoons." I didn't even go for anything feasible like we didn't get to go to the beach. No, in my mind I annihilated the beach all together. No more beach. I'm not really sure what took it's place but I can tell you it's terrible! No sandcastles?! Might as well just cancle christmas while we're at it.

Just a general PS:

I have been going over some of my old posts and I have to say that I am pretty damn funny. To some people this may seem like I'm tooting my own horn and you would be right. I am awesome. I am aware of this. Let's not deny it. That will get us no where.
I mean after all, here you are reading what I have to say. Suck on that for awhile before you judge because you should know when you point the finger of blame at someone there are three fingers pointed right at you.

oh man, so deep...

Second Grade Journal entry: 11/11/92

List 3 favorite combination foods. Write their food groups.

1. Pizza
2. Tockes
3. chile

I like how I didn't do the second part of this assignment, perhaps I was banking on my teacher being so impressed by my consumption of a latin american nation that she would just forget about the food group. Also, I have no idea what Tockes is supposed to be. My best guess is tacos.

Second Grade Journal entry: January 28, 1992

One day I might...

Go to afrika And find a tresher in the a deep hole. And keep it to my self. But I would ride a tiger home but my mom would skreem.

I would like to let everyone know that is still on my "To Do" list.

Second Grade Journal entry:

If I were a giant...

I would crash the schools and I would eat dragins lifer. And my name would be school crasher.

Isn't it great that the first thing I would do as a giant would be to destroy the educational system. I dunno why dragons seem to be involved, perhaps because it too is a mystical creature. But I have to say that my name would be pretty appropriate.

Second Grade Journal entry: 12/11/91

Write about something special you and your family do together at Christmas time.

1. We put up the Christmas tree.
2. We help each other.
3. We do stuff.
4. We rape presents.

(there is a colored picture of Santa's head nearby exclaiming "Ho! Ho!")

I don't know how my teacher dealt with this one. But I'm pretty sure I would have called social services at that point, unless I was from a pirate family or something where raping and pilaging is common.

Second Grade Journal entry:

I'll never forget the time...

When I went into space. And when I went to the moon and found tresher on it. I went to pluto it was cold there. I saw aleens there to. And when I went back to earth I told my story.

(this page is full of black stars, planets, and a sun - then on the next page)

I can go back to space. And I can go back to space and tell some more stores.

The End

You know what sucks about that trip, the pictures I took were never properly developed. Appearantly the film was all overexposed, probably from using direct sunlight. What a shame, because now with no evidence it's almost like it never happened.

Taking a break from the second grade I'd like to share a thought I had over Fall Break:

There had to be a time when Hitler thought, "Yeah, I'm def going to hell."

Second Grade Journal entry:

The title of the page is Verbs. It seems it was our job to write a long list of them. Here are my first six.

exercise
dance
run
jog
move
kill

I'm sure other people used kill too. It's a healthy choice.

Second Grade Journal entry:

(there is no title)

Dear Uncle Robert

I am going to miss you very much. My family is fine. How are you? My brother Anthony is growing up. My mama and papa are fine to. My whole family is fine. I can not wait to go to the farm.

Love Wendell
P.S. Write Back

My first reaction is, "what?!" Not because it appears randomly on a page but because I don't have an Uncle Robert. I do have a brother, but his name isn't Anthony. Also, I never called my parents mama/papa, nor have I ever really wanted to go to this farm. Probably most important, Wendell is not my name.

I'm hoping this was for a book assignment when you write as a character. If not, then I probably went insane.

Second Grade Journal entry:

Why was corn so important to the Pilgrams? Explain.

1. So the Pilgrams cod eat something.
2. So they cod not diy.
3. That was the only thing they cod eat.

Good thing I cod spell.

Second Grade Journal entry:

There is no title but the whole page is taken up with a glorious story

Some fishermen were keching fish in there bouts. One fishermen cuat a big fish. The fish was about three feet long. When he got home. Insted of his family eating the fish. The fishermen's dog grabed the fish out of the fishermen's hand and eta the fish for dinner. The next day the fishermen couldn't find his fishing pole. His little boy Anthony had the fishing pole. His twin girls toled there dad that Anthony had the fishing pole. And him and his dog and twin girls lived happily ever after.

First of all half the sentences should be commas. Second, the story lacks an actual story. Clearly there is a "fishermen" because I write that about 40 times, but who is he, what is his motivation to fish, especially if his dog steals their food. Does he like the dog? Why does he keep him about. Who is Anthony deep down? Why did he steal the pole?
Perhaps my biggest question, where did these twin girls come from?

Second Grade Journal entry:

Discribe the perfect school and why.

Cuyga school. beusons we leun alot, and have fun! And be smart.

Little background info: Cayuga elementary school is where I "be smart" when I was little. I'm sure the teacher was proud to see I spelled learn wrong. It implies oh so much...

Second Grade Journal entry:

What was the happiest day in your life? Explain.

My new bed room set. bcese it saw brity.

I feel this is an amazing couple of sentences for a few reasons. 1) I am so superficial about probably one of the lamest things you can get. 2) I butchered because. 3) I wrote "was" backwards to say "saw" - Hello dyslexic how are you? 4)Brity....you know as in "I feel brity, oh so brity."

Second Grade Journal entry:

The thing I dislike most about school is...

Work because it take's to long to get done. Sometime's I get stack on seat work. PhoNics I get stack on a lot.

Hmmm...I can't imagine why.

Second Grade Journal entry:

I'd like to visit the planet __________.

I'd like to visit the planet mrkles. Because I want to get a tan. I would bring a fan. I would bring food with me too.

Yeah, that's right I made up my own planet name. And I have to say I'm pretty practical about my visit.

Second Grade Journal Entry:

9/19/91

List 5 of your favorate foods.

1. makarone and chess
2. fish stiks
3. chikien
4. corna
5. mash dtados

I managed to spell everything wrong. That's amazing. Also the directions/topic sentence was written on the board and I still spelled favorite wrong. The best part is, I have a check mark on my page, the teacher didn't bother to fix this. God bless our education system. Also, how hilarious is number 5?

Second Grade Journal entry:

not dated

Today I feel...

Today I feel Happy because me and Nicole dresses the same. Nicole had two of the same shites. She is wearing black pants and so am I.

Hey everyone look at those little girls, they are wearing shit for clothes AND matching black pants! I'm not sure but it seems one of them is pretty happy about it.

Second Grade Journal entry:

11/14/91

Write what you would do differently if you were the teacher.

1. I would have no home wrok.
2. And three days off.

Yep I got my priorities in check. I didn't even have the decency to spell homework right.

Second Grade Joural entry:

Make a list of things that cannot be bought that you are thankful for.

1. You can't bay air.
2. You can't bay children.
3. You can't bay haer.

Ok, first of all, it's BUY. Next, yes air can't be bought though it is important. Children? What about your family?! You don't have kids you are just a kid! Last, sorry but you can buy hair.

Second Grade Journal entry

June 2, 1992

I wish I could fly this summer. I wish I could fly this summer because I could see what it looks like high up. And because I could fly into space and see how big the stars are. I could frighten bad people away. I could go under water to get a fish. I could be friends with the birds. I could fly to the store or to my friends house. I could be a kite if someone did not have one. I could play on top of the clouds. And I could give little kids rides.

I am just all over the place with my flight. I love how I completely disregard the fact that there is no oxygen in space and how flying underwater can already be accomplished with the use of flippers. Have you ever swam with flippers? It's amazing. You believe that you are the fastest swimmer ever and it is really disappointing how slow you go when you take them off.

Second Grade Journal entry:

I think March is a windy month because:

Sometimes I have to wear my hevy jacket. You can fly your kite in March. A lot of kids wear pants.

I'm pretty sure most of the things said about March are accurate to this day. Especially the pants stuff.

Second Grade Journal entry May 1, 1992:

The best thing about my mom is....

She Love's me, and she is nice when I get hert. When my brother bites me. When I get a skratch. And when I give her something.

(then written randomly at the bottom of the page)

Is eneyone in?

Ok there is a lot going on here. First of all most of those "sentences" suck in that they aren't sentences at all. My spelling is, well, atrocious - I mean it's not amazing now but at least I can spell anyone.

But perhaps the worst thing is that the teacher would check all these entries so my mom must have looked kinda bad since according to this she only really liked me when I bribed her.

To lack of time and energy I am going to default to earlier works of mine done in the second grade, as I believe it is some of the funniest things I have ever written. The spelling errors are real - but to those who frequent that shouldnt be any surprise.

Some days in class would start with a topic to which I would then reply.

Write an invitation to an Indian boy or girl for the first Thanksgiving:

Dear Waterflower,

Can you come to the first Thanksgiving at my howes? At 5:00 on a tuesday?

I'm sorry - Thanksgiving, on a TUESDAY?! Umm...No, never happened. Also why does the Indian have some hippy name?

My father and I once had a conversation about how handy it would be if farts were color coded. Blue wouldn't be all that bad, green should be avoided, and red is too pungent to be inhaled. It would be like the terror alert system.

I feel I am sitting on a pioneering idea for the future and after someone else invents a pill I'll sue them claiming it was mine. I'm figuring that I'll prob win.

Now for the second installment of the second grade poems:

"The cat ate.

The big slowly angrily cat ate with a fork and spoon. THe black and white cat scrached the door ever day. A dog told him he was stupid

The End"

I'm thinking I should go to an open mic night and read some of this genius material.

"The tall muscular sadly man ran slowly and sadly home to his stupidly crazily muscular wife."

-Colleen Evanson 1992

My first night back at Ithaca I had quite the dream experience. Now I have recently got into Law & Order of the SVU kind. However, I had not watched any in at least 24 hours if not more so before I hit the hay. Well guess what? I had a dream about it.

Here's the thing, the images are hazy but basically I was on the set a lot with the actors, mainly Mariska Hargitay aka Det. Olivia Benson, whom apparently I had rapidly become good friends with. She hugged me when I arrived on set and then I assume we had a really fun hang out and BS session, then she'd hug me bye and insist that I stop by later.

But then, somehow my dream morphed and it was like I was on the show because suddenly I was in what looked like a psych ward with jail like overtones. Naturally I began to panic because clearly I didn't belong there, though some may disagree. At this point I was visited by the actual character of Olivia Benson, or so it seemed. Since she was now my good friend I voiced my concerns in a rather paniced and scared tone. She said she'd help me out.

Now for the best part. For some reason I had some type of roommate in this psych ward and she was for real crazy as in Ca-RAY-zee. Though I didn't witness exact examples of how crazy, I innately knew she was no good. So Olivia comes and visits me again and I tell her I have to get out of there because I'm scared she's going to kill me and once again, I didn't belong here. GET ME OUT!

Then I woke up. At first I was pretty confused, a second later I was thinking, "Oh man how awesome I'm good friends with a celebrity." Only to realize the harsh reality that it wasn't real and didn't happen.

So now if I ever run into Mariska it will prob be super awkward.

Many families take part in tradition, or the passing down of stories/skills from one generation to another. The Italian teach about spaghetti, the Chinese about rice, the Spanish about salsa and nachos, and the Irish of course teach how to never be tan. When guess what? I'm Irish. And beyond this innate gift is yet another that up until recently I felt was a skill only I was capable of.

You see when I was a young lass my cousins Adam and Eric taught me how to make fart noises with both my hands. You press them to your mouth and blow. It's really quite simple. But I discovered when I did this that I could achieve fart noises with just one hand. This comes in handy when I want to create the hilarity of a realistic fart.

Well it seems that only an Evanson has the power to achieve the one handed fart, for whenever I show friends, they try it and fail. Yet all on his own, without my teachings, little Shawn Evanson has been able to achieve this skill. It appears that the fake fart is strong with my family.

I'm a pretty fast walker. I'm able to pass a lot of people if I'm in a hurry or walking down a city block. It's almost like driving. I'm not saying that I speed when I drive because I can't really go over 80MPH due to the 14 year old car I drive. You see much like old people my car will shake. But back to walking, which also to keep with the old people motif - they can't really do to well, but I can. Now the only thing that will really stop me from walking past another person involves one of three things.

1. There are too many people blocking the way.

Most of the time they go pretty slow as well which annoys me even more, and when there is a break I'll walk super fast like I'm trying to hint that its annoying only they dont really care.

2. They themselves are walking pretty fast.

Now I could probably pass them, only we're walking about the same pace only I'm alittle bit faster and once I do pass them it will take awhile to do so, about 5-8 seconds which means they will at one time notice that I am right next to them and look over. I assume this will be an awkward moment of eye contact. As if they'll get really annoyed I'm passing them, like I'm Mrs.Fasty Walk Fastlots or something. Big hot shot. Once again I find when I do pass them, they for the most part, don't care.

3. I know the person up ahead.

If I'm good friends with them of course I'll meet up and chat. But often its more like someone I would rather say hey to in passing and that's it. There is nothing really more to say because let's be honest I was in that one class with you and that's it, or I talked to you a couple times bc you are a friend of a friend. You know those. (These may also be the same people on your buddy list that you never talk to but keep on the list in case of some emergency.)

So here I am in a hurry to walk to where I need and there is this person and I can't really pass them while going somewhere which means I'd look like a bitch if I pretended I didn't see them, plus if I get caught I'll have to pretend I didn't which I may or may not pull off. And in either case I'd have to engage in a forced conversation to waste time.

What makes it worse is if they are going the same way I am and they are walking REALLY slow. There is just no escape. And I have to walk even slower to stay at a decent distance behind bc if I get too close they might hear my footsteps and turn around, then WHAM! I'm stuck. Sometimes I will actually have to stop a bit, only that's weird too, so I'll pretend my shoe is untied or suddenly start rummaging through my bag for nothing.

It's a tough life as a fast walker...who mainly walks around a college campus where I know some people. Let me tell you, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Awhile ago I was sitting in my friend Wendy's dorm room. It was late, around 2am, when we got into a conversation about life. She asking what the point of life is if so many people are forgotten. Think about it. There are about 100 amazing people who are known around the world. Some for politics, some for music, some for arts. Its so hard to become someone like that, especially now when so much has been done/invented. Imagine how terrible it must have been to be a caveman. They didn't really get any credit for anything because no one knows their actual names. So the one genius who thought of fire, the wheel, or even early language, is associated along with the rest of the broad foreheaded, furry people. That sucks.

I've been away visiting middle america. Chicago is a rather choice city. Dare I say, it's an improved NYC; not as much trash, homeless folk, nicer people, right on the lake, and get this...you can actually hear what they say on their transportation system!

I also saw Omaha Nebraska. Good place to live, not visit. Overall I'd say it's flat.

But what I really wanted to discuss was a conversation had whilst at work. One of my co-workers turned to me last night and asked, "What would you do if I had dessert tarrets?"
I pondered for a moment and stated, "I'd probably get hungry and then really mad at you for saying all these delicious desserts that I couldn't have."

Think about it. You know it's true. I feel it's almost like watching Iron Chef. This is a truely amazing show dubbed over to english and when many people will stop channel surfing and give out an excited yelp of joy. But the thing you don't realize when you tune in is that you get to watch how they make all this food BUT you don't get to eat it. And it looks so good! There must be a way to have an interactive show. I hope we are able to figure out a way to do that. There must be some scientist out there willing. I mean, if someone invented motion control paper towel dispensers, I'm sure getting a cooking show to actually cook for you is plausible.

Today at work we listened to a Wilson Phillips song. You know, that group of three girls who sing that song about holding on for one more day. Yeah that's it. When I was about eight, I used to listen to them. This was all before I knew what good music was. Now when the song plays I think, 'wow they are lame.'

Also why Wilson Phillips? Why would you think an old mans name is a good idea.

Answers are welcome.

I'd imagine it would be quite awkward to witness a blind person performing a stand up comedy act of observational comedy. They'd be like, "have you ever lost your keys and felt all your tables looking for them?!" It would be even more awkward if they were standing away from the mic and at one point realized it, then tried to find it with their stick and knocked it over.

ouch.

This whole idea came about while watching Daredevil which is probably the worst superhero film ever. It's a pathetic shadow of what a successful blockbuster is. At one point Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have an elaborately awkward karate fight at a playground with children watching.

Recently I have thought it might be loads o' fun to re-record music for certain parts in movies/tv series that initially are pretty powerful moments and play music over them making them cliche.

Here is what I have so far:

1. recent season of 24 has Jack walking away, alone at the end of the series, wearing a pretty choice pair of aviators. I think at this point a song should kick in that I'm sure most are familiar with at this point in the year. Yes, that's right, Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Particularly the part that goes, "I walk a lonely road..."

2. Titanic when the ship is snapping in half and people are falling into the water. Play the song "I went to the danger zone."

3. In Star Wars Episode III while Anakin is staring out thinking of his lady friend who is gazing out thinking of him. He cries a little as he is deciding to basically turn to the dark side. And cue Five for Fighting's "Superman (its not easy)." I think this part works pretty well; "I’m only a man in a silly red sheet,Digging for kryptonite on this one way street,Only a man in a funny red sheet,Looking for special things inside of me, It’s not easy to be me."

That's all I got so far but I think it's quite a start.

As I drove back from dropping off my brother, I saw a man on the side of the road. There were several things out of place about him. Number one, he was walking with his bike. Perhaps something broke on it so he was forced to travel on foot. Number two he had an eye patch. Number three, the eye patch wasn't over his eye, but resting just above his eyebrow. Here in lies the biggest concern.

Why an eye patch? Don't you need good depth perception when riding any mobile? Not that I don't think people lacking one eye aren't capable of everyday things. I just feel this makes it harder, which perhaps is why he got off the bike in the first place. Except I have the distinct impression that since the eye patch wasn't acually on his eye that he indeed has his eye.

There was no other pirate gear found. So was he pretending to be missing an eye just for fun? Is he actually a pirate undercover who sometimes likes to wear an eye patch because he really isnt considered a pirate by his other swash buckling peers?

So much mystery.

There is this man who comes to work every couple of days in the afternoon. My first encounter with him, he got out of his truck, his ratty shirt clung to his enlarged belly. He leaned on the counter casually and before we could ask, "Can I help you?" he blurted out, "What's mickey mouse? A dog or a cat?" We were all confused if he was referring to a flavor of ice before we understood he was one of those older guys with the funny uncle like jokes.

He then proceeded to bust out a rhyme. At one point he claimed, "This shit is the shit" and just as my brain began to freak out, he used the word "dooby." From that point on its really all a blur. My mind didn't know how to properly process this information.

I'll leave it to the words of the man I like to call the Crazy Old Rapper:

"You heard of 50 cent? I'm 58."

The past couple of days my eye has been twitching. Only one, and I believe the tremors are coming from the lower lid. This is rather annoying. I was at work and felt it going as I was serving a customer. I wonder if they could notice. Would they think I was trying hard to wink at them? Or did it just look crazy? Did they even notice?

Which brings me to another thought I had at work. Now there are times in the summer when it is very hot. People at this time, often want something cool like, oh I dunno, an Italian Ice to cool them off. Now there are times when it seems the whole town shows up, perhaps even people are birthed from the street, notice we seem to be under staffed and rush to get food.

I have been thinking how glorious it would be if one night, while the line is wrapping around the block, that we close the window, place a sign on it saying, "Screw all ya'll" and proceed to walk by eating ice while smiling and waving. Sometimes I play it out in my mind and it is truely a sight to behold.

If you look back at some old sitcoms you will see that most kid acting involved the kid speaking very loud, then canned laughter followed. I noticed this while VH1 ran 100 Greatest Kid Stars. I must say VH1 really turned around. I remember when all they played was Diva's Unplugged with Whitney Houston and Celine Deon. That and Rod Stewart videos. Now it's full of clip shows with commentary from comedians and actors. Instead of watching something and making smart ass comments with friends, they do it for you! AMAZING!

PS - I heard Tom Cruise freaked out today about scientology, no offense to them but they are cra-zay.

To all scientologists: Please don't kill me for the above comment.

Whose idea was the lunge?

There is this movie coming out called High Tension and although I have never heard of it before I'm sure the previews/ads for it aren't lying when they say it's good. It involves some skinny blonde woman who is getting chased by some murderer with a chain saw. At one point it looks like she screams as she runs through the woods. PLUS it's night time. And it's different from all those other thriller/horror movies because she has SHORT blonde hair.

So probably most of middle america will think she's gay.

I have a question. If you are an old woman do you HAVE to cut your hair really short? And in the cutting process does the hair become curly even if it wasn't before? Think about it. Name one old woman you know with long hair. It's impossible.

Allergies are pretty dumb. Every day when I get up, not even WAKE UP, just get up in the morning to pee I sneeze at least 3 times. Moving from one space in my house to another is somehow toxic to my nose. If I lived back in the day when they said Bless You because they thought your soul was trying to escape, people would probably think I was possessed by the devil. Or they would think I was evil and some kind of witch. That would suck because they I would be irrationally burned or tortured in some fashion. This I would not have cared for, I can tell you that. Even if I was really a witch that's still pretty harsh of a punishment. If i were really a witch I'd try to pinch them in pressure zones that hurt aREAL bad. Also I think I'd cast a spell so they couldn't ever eat ice cream. Something like Lactose Intolerance perhaps.

holy crap. that's probably where that comes from. Freaking witches! Is nothing sacred?!

I'm back on the island. Working at Ralph's so if ya'll wants some ice come along. Ok so one of the most exciting things I have learned is how to discover one's Jedi name. Yes, I am a nerd, let's get past that but this is pretty awesome. So I was told that you take the first THREE letters of your Last Name and add the first TWO letters of your First Name to it. Then combine the first THREE letter of your birthplace/town you are from (i'm unclear which one specifically it is), with the first TWO letters of your Mother's Maiden name.

Example:

Colleen + Evanson = Evaco
Lake Grove + McGrath = Lakmc

My name is Evaco Lakmc. I encourage you all to post your names here to see whose is choice and whose is lame.

Mine is pretty choice, but then again, I'm probably biased.

Also I've compiled a list of some of the best things humans have been a part of. Here it is.

1. Ice Cream
2. Massage
3. BBQ flavored chips

Sometimes I wonder if aliens (or alie-ums) exist that they would be fascinated by our eyes, since they are neither huge, nor one color. That whole concept has the potential to blow they undoubtedly more advanced minds clear out of their enlarged skulls. Also the fact that we have actual genitalia. That might confuse/gross them out.

I'm going to attempt to appease all with the following essay. Read the comments from the last post before proceeding.

My Essay about Some Stuff in Life

From what I skimmed over from a website that came up after I googled "Hemingway 'A close" (I didn't feel like typing the whole title), it seems the poem described a conversation between two guys. One of which is old, the other is a waiter. Here check it out:

"Last week he tried to commit suicide," one waiter said.

Jee, thanks Debby Downer. Though I didn't bother to read much of it I think it would be way better if the two guys talked about something else or didn't really talk at all. How about this...

The waiter hands the old guy a check for his meal.
The old dude is nodding off.
The waiter nudges him.
The old guy farts kinda loud but can't hear it because his hearing aid is down.
The waiter doesn't breathe in as he walks away.

I dunno about you but that is way better. As for this guy Samuel Johnson, his name is pretty close to Samuel L Jackson. So once this story gets adapted into a script I think we can cast him as the old guy. But I bet he won't want to be the old guy because he wants to be hip so I'll let him be the waiter and the old guy can get played by Hugh Downs, previously seen on 20/20 because I think America would like to see him again, it's been awhile.

You know I bet he knows something about James Joyce and this thing he wrote called "Araby." Hugh was always full of worldy knowledge. Also I think he could school Barbara Walters any day. I dunno if she still does 20/20. I havent seen it in years because its on the same time as Fear Factor. However, if she did leave, I think the producers at ABC should get together and get a reunion royal together. Walters vs. Downs. They could arm wrestle, or see who can eat applesauce the fastest, or have a dizzy bat race. I bet ratings would soar.

So as for others literary things, I remember reading Green Eggs and Ham in elementary school. I probably read Run Spot Run since I vaguely remember it was about a dog but other than that I think that book sucked. Plus there are tons of books about dogs already, so not original. But I'll tell you who is unique, Dr. Suess (and that fool isn't even a doctor). I can totally quote Green Eggs and Ham without google. Check it out:

"'Hey you want some green eggs and ham?' said this guy.

'No I will not eat them with a fox, I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them here or there I will not eat them anywhere. But I'll never turn down a tuna melt because those are pretty awesome,' said the other guy in the book."

I think this book is the best because I got to make up some other lines in it. I'm pretty sure the use of the ever so popular deli delight combination of tuna, cheese, and toasted bread is accessable to most people since just about everyone has probably tried it at some point. If you don't like tuna then maybe you aren't a person. You could be a robot. Though I have no proof that robots can't eat tuna fish, if I recall a scene from A.I. by Steven Spielberg correctly that kid who was a robot couldn't eat anything because, well I dunno why. I think the dad in the scene said he would short circut or something. But no matter how hard that kid tried to be a real boy he couldn't. So sorry robots, there is no hope.

This makes me wonder if there are people in the world who are actual people but wish they could become an emotionless robot. One way they might try to turn themselves into a machine could be listening to Mr. Roboto and doing the robot move where you walk all stiff. It's pretty popular to freeze your whole body and just move one arm.
If this is too hard to understand you could look into getting a helper monkey. I'm sure this friendly critter could help you look it up online because monkeys are pretty smart. You know, most people don't realize we actually came from monkeys. But I do because I'm smart thanks to the keen reporting of Hugh Downs. Man, that guy was awesome. I really hope he isn't dead. That would suck.

In conclusion, literature isn't as good as television. Lots of people own TVs, almost no one owns books. In fact one may say that books are the tools of the devil and I'd have to agree. Education is important and all but so is Must See TV which hasn't been as good since Friends left but that Joey, oh man, he's hilarious and he's totally making lots of money and I bet he doesn't even know what a book is. So there.

So I wanted to update but I hath no idea what to write about. As such, how about we do some interactive blogging. You give me things to talk about or to use in a story. Consider it my blog final.

Yesterday my friend Jess and I discussed the word "probably." This is a pretty choice word. When used properly in a sentence it can equate emmense hilarity.

Why it is so funny? Well it completely undermines the gravity of any situation.

For example, let's say you are sitting in a field minding your own business. Over the hill you see what looks like a man running toward you. Suddenly a UFO appears and abducts this man. You think to yourself, "that's probably not good."

Or let's say you are having a romantic evening with your significant other. They slip out of their seat onto one knee. They show you a ring and say, "I think we should probably get married."
If this happens to you I think you should probably say no.

Discuss.

Dear Smoothies,

Thanks for being so awesome.

Love,
Colleen

A while back whilst my parents were here in Ithaca I bought a shirt that said, "Islam is Gorges." Now here in Ithaca there are plenty of shirts that read: "Ithaca is Gorges" since there are many gorges here and many consider them to be quite gorgeous.

This shirt only ran about 3 bucks so I figured why not. Today I broke it out after a long period of staying in my dresser. At first I thought, I hope people don't take me seriously like I'm some kind of activist. Then I figured most who knew me would get it. What I didn't think about was the awkward new guy over at Taste of Thai asking me something on the way out.

awkward guy: "Does Islam have gorges?"
me: "What?"
awkward guy: "Does Islam have gorges or is that just a joke."
me: "It's a joke."

and scene...

I have a comment about the mustache and glasses disguise. You are not fooling anyone. The nose only coming in one color does next to nothing. PLUS the glasses have no actual glass in them.

Check minus

I know that just about everyone hates traffic. I have the perfect solution: Giants.
I wish we had some giants because even though we humans are capable to clearing the road it takes us way too long. Do you realize how quickly traffic jams would be fixed if we had Giants? They would just walk over, and lift away the car like a crane...done.

Truely the only problem is that he or she has to stay happy or we might get our cities crushed. So we have to find a giant that feeds off doing good deeds.

Next problem is where does it live? Well at first I thought in a volcano or mountain, but with overpopulation being what it is we'll probably need that space. Then I got to thinking, earth is something like 70% water. So it can live in the ocean, that way if it crushes anything when it does its daily routine it's the ocean floor and we don't see that anyway.

In conclusion, all you ocean savvy good deed doing Giants need to come to earth. We needs you. I promise that we won't kill or abuse you.

Love
Colleen

If there was a way to directly inject thai food into my veins I would seriously consider it for at least 2 minutes.

2 things:

1. I think an awesome name for a band is Remnants of a Unibrow.

2. I was in Walmart today and as we were getting checked out I checked out the cashier. She had two chins and both had a beard. And if that's not enough there was also a train for a mustache. She CLEARLY has to shave just about everyday and that sucks. I then began to think about all the stupid thin girls who think they are fat and go to the gym religiously thinking no one will love them unless they look like models. This poor woman must have a tragically low self esteem level. Those skinny girls don't know the half of it. It could be WAY worse than having non perfect abs. So chill the F out. At least you don't have to shave both your chins.

I feel really bad for this woman. These are the people Fox prays on with crap like The Swan.

A conversation with Mom:

Evshouse: Speaking of knocked out-I stupidly hit my forehead with the car door on Sat. and have a nice scratch--ouch!
Lactaid Lady: score
Lactaid Lady: thats gotta make you feel smart
Evshouse: thats not exactly what i said
Evshouse: i lost my dignity for the day!
Lactaid Lady: did anyone see you do it?
Evshouse: not that i know of
Lactaid Lady: bc the act alone doesn't warrent too much dignity loss
Evshouse: good
Lactaid Lady: but if someone catches you, thats when more goes
Evshouse: i see
Lactaid Lady: if I was a professor I would try for years to teach a class on Dignity
Lactaid Lady: theories n such

If anyone knows of a college looking to hire let me know, I'm sure I'm MORE than qualified to teach whatev I find amusing.

Whenever I venture into my New and Emerging Diseases class, which is every MWF from 11-11:50am, I get the treat of seeing my good friend Dan Stermer. He is taking the class Pass/Fail, something I should have done now that I'm pulling a strong C- to D (completely ridiculous but that's another story).

"Why is this a treat?" You ask quizzically. Well friend, Dan blatantly doesn't pay attention. He reads books, draws on my notes, and mostly goes to sleep. Now I have been sleepy in many classes during my time in school. I really get a kick out of how people attempt to sleep.

This class is a big lecture. We sit in large accending rows which are usually full. As a teacher, you can glance through the crowd and easily spot those who are zoning out, taking notes, being studious, and oh I dunno conveniantly covering their eyes with their hands, or how about just putting their head down in their crossed arms?

I know these techniques because I myself have done them, and you know you have too at some point. I don't know who we think we are kidding. No matter how many students are in a lecture hall the teacher will scan the audience from time to time and you will stick out like a sore thumb.

What I find especially amusing is watching people fade into sleep, their heads start to fall down, but then it snaps back into "No I'm awake" mode. Truely fabulous. I love watching someone fight it. The battle royal for consciousness.

A couple of things.

1. How the hell are you supposed to fold the sheets that go around the mattress? Its, like, unpossible to make it look neat in the folding process.

2. This weekend fellow RA Jess and I were having a converstion about heaven and the like. At one point I asked, "What if heaven was a mall?"

2.5 Also when getting into past lives I discussed how if such a thing existed, and I think it could because G-man would probably be all over recycling of souls (keeps cost down on energy and pollution), we both agreed that we would want to be in another universe. Not that the Milky Way is bad, but you know, just gotta check out the neighborhood. Maybe be an alie-um next time 'round. Could be fun, abductin hillbillies n such.

Last week Risa, an old RA friend, came to visit. On Wed. she took Mary and I out for drinks. It was there I had my first shot. Sadly it took me three tries to get it down. Now before you judge, it was a double that was toppped off with whip cream, thus creating a barrier. But I pressed on...determined. And in the end glory was achieved.

Then I went home and did my homework. Hizzah for learning!

I know I'm a dirtbag for not updating in forever. I know these things. Don't get mad. I'm trying.

Over spring break I was able to view the trailer for Star Wars Episode III. And I must inform everyone that I am unable to handle how good it's going to be. I geek right the hell out when I watch it. It's easy to think that well she must be a giant Star Wars nerd. But you would be wrong. Yes I enjoy the movies and think being a Jedi is all that and then some, but I have never crossed the line of dressing up like any characters or doing some role playing thing.

However I did think of the most lame/nerdy tattoo in all the land:

A lower back tattoo of a lightsaber, possible even two of them creating an X


that's all I got. If you would like to geek out as well please check out this site
http://movies.channel.aol.com/feature/starwars/trailer.adp?type=lrg

Til then, I'm outtie nerds.

So it appears I won't become the most notorious cop killer in all the land, nor will audition to become a rapper. DRAT! Damn you legal system for reinstating my faith in the law.

I went into court to contest my double whammy tickets. Court wasn't even court, it was more like a hallway with a table and a late 20-year old cute guy in a suit sitting down. I thought he was there just to help with my paperwork before going into see a judge. So we were small talking and I was comfortable. Next think you you he throws out my driving with expired license, and reduces my speeding no questions asked. It comes up that I was on my way to renew it and he was like, no way get out! Then he realized it was my first ticket and said, "oh that must have been tramatic." To add to this miracle, he looked at the officer's name who write the tickets and said, "oh he's scary isn't he?" I was like YES! In a matter of minutes my 400 dollar tickets and 6 points on my license were reduced to 100 and 3 points.

And there was much rejoicing in the stairway on the way out.

Hi all.

Sorry its been awhile. Last week I was emotionally roundhoused by the law. Now I'm not great with numbers but seriously what are the odds that the first time you get pulled over you are on your way to renew your license which is expired by a week? Add onto that, what are the odds the po-po will be a JERK to you. 2 tickets later I'm on my way back to school, sans my new license.

Now I know what all those rappers are talking about when they say "F the police." F them. F them indeed.

Don't worry, I plan to fight the man. That date is set:

Wed. Feb 23, 12pm
Ithaca Court House

I'll be hopin' and a-wishin' that I don't have to pay 300. I'm hoping the fact that I've been a good person for most of my life will bail me out. If not, well then I'll become a notorious cop killer.

As of late I have been hanging out with fellow RA Jessica Blasko quite often. As many of you already know, at times, I fart and it is clear that even if I do not smell it, I probably delt it.

On one such night on the third floor of Tallcott Hall Jess and I were in her room. At this time I decided to do a scissor kick and whilst in the air, fart. At this, Jess lost her mind a bit. I paraphrase:

"Oh My God. Oh my God. You have taken farting to a whole new level. It's like an art form."

Some of my other works of art include purposely dropping a blanket and then while bending over, cutting one. Doing a semi-slip. And of course let's not forget, walking like a wooden toy soldier.

I think I should take this show on the road.

Bday update:

Dignity remained intact. Until of course I began to throw up in my mouth. Oh and that time when I took off my shirt for a high five. And then off course when I blacked out, woke up in the woods, had to sell my clothes for a ticket back to Ithaca, once I got there pictures were posted all over campus with my FULL name, address, zodiac sign, hobbies, etc.

Despite all that I still think I'm one classy lady.

(I hope by now you realize the above in the un-truth)

As the clock comes closer to midnight I realize it is only too soon until 2 things happen.

1. I turn 21 and become an "official" adult
2. A couple friends may attempt to get me drunk

Here's the thing, their agenda shall fail them for there is something they aren't aware of. I have an agenda as well:

Mission Statement for the Official Adult known as Colleen Evanson:
I, Colleen Evanson, will not get drunk when I turn 21. Though there maybe be conspiracies against such a belief these forces that be are unaware that I can take a challenge and HARK! I shall emerge victorious!

Bring it on.

I haven't really become inspired nor do I really want to be posting. I just felt like I should and I could just improv it as I went along. I'm really doing this for the few who hopelessly check and go, "Drat!!" or perhaps you scream "Curses!" to the sky when you see that I hath not updated. And when I say "curses" I mean the actual word not the explitives.

I really like the song "Let's get Retarded" by the Black Eyed Peas, however I don't like singing the words since I don't like to use the word 'retarded.' This makes it rather awkward to fully enjoy this song as it ought to be. Now they made another version called "Let's get it Started" but for some reason it just doesn't quite "drop it like it's hot" as the previous. Which leads me to another question of what "drop it like it's hot" really means. Sure it's some new slang that the kids really enjoy learning from the Master of the english language, the one, the only, Snoop Dog (is it D-O-double G still or just Dog? I'm unsure).

To drop is an action or perhaps one might say, a verb. Some people drop things on accident, or because the weight is too heavy, or it slips, or maybe they did it on purpose to anger another individual. But in this case you drop this item because it is hot. It's completely understandable, when you burn yourself you tend to want to let go of whatever is causing you this pain.

But what, I must ask, are you dropping? Is it a heated pot holding something like soup, or perhaps an adorable Precious Moments doll featuring a little boy and a puppy? Or maybe it's something that we don't value like let's say an F bomb. People drop F bombs all the time and one could argue that many would drop an F bomb if they were carrying something hot. One could also argue that if you did happen to drop a Precious Moments keepsake that you would drop the F bomb, as the expensive ceramic remains close to your heart since someone like Grandma probably gave it to you because let's be honest you don't buy yourself those things. However, I can't preceive a situation where the Precious Moment would become super heated so you would drop it. Although, on closer inspection I realized he claims you should "drop it LIKE it's hot." Not that it IS hot.

Hizzah! The answer is here. Drop your Precious Moments as if they somehow became too warm for your hands to hold them. Make it look like an accident too but clean it up soon because you wouldn't want to cut your foot.

You know, previously I thought "dropping like it's hot" implied one should bust a move while listening to some "mad phat" beats, but I think this theory makes MUCH more sense.

I have been busy with training but found time this morning, aka noon, to read through some of the comments which I often forget I possess. One, a ways back, asked for a top 5 of my delights. This list is really the express lane or maybe even the HOV into my heart…only you don’t need 2 people to get there, you can probably just get a cardboard cut out of Michael Jordon as featured in Home Alone.

1. Thai food

2. Any knowledge pertaining to the X-Files

3. Amazing thrift store finds: members only jackets, cheesy xmas sweaters with sholder pads, romance novels (Savage Thunder), giant mens underwear, etc.

4. Thinking about or pulling off pranks: farting in a reslife professional staff members chair 100 times and keeping a secret tally in the office. When I'm older I plan to tell people plotlines of famous movies and claim I was there. Such movies include; Jaws, Godfather, Titanic, Moulin Rouge, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, the possibilities are endless. Also I want to follow people around in some form of a motorized chair.

5. Making fun of bad media: Hunter, Macgyver, basically anything from the 80s, the soap opera Passions is always good for a laugh, and of course the endless supply of commercials.

Now I shall I digress into one such commercial. Over break I kept seeing ads for Open Water which was now available on DVD, thankfully. Now in it they show some clips of two people surrounded by some open water of the ocean and they are flipping out a bit. The announcer of the add claims that critics called it "the best shark movie since Jaws."

Now at first I bought it completely. But the second and third times through I began to question this claim. Exactly how many other shark movies occurred since Jaws?

Well, there was of course Jaws II (not bad, kinda like Jaws all over again but without the crazy boat guy), Jaws III (takes place at seaworld), Jaws: The Revenge (in which the mother from the original has the shark follow her to the Caribbean where she, her older son Michael, his friend who says "Mon" a lot, and Michael Cain send electric current into the shark causing it to jump completely out of the water so they can steer the front of their boat into it, thus stabbing and killing Jaws)
Then let's not forget Deep Blue Sea, fully of wonderful CG sharks and Samuel L. Jackson with LL Cool J as the chef.

So as for Open Water being the best shark movie since Jaws….that's not that great of an accomplishment.

For all those interested in learning the point system of Traffic Blows...they game in which you pass time in traffic by shooting spit balls at other cars, please direct yourself to the link below, as provided by Cousin Pat.

http://www.semicaged.com/traffic/

Today I was in the presence of a two year old girl. I taught her many false things such as: frogs eat hamburgers, and elephants eat crystals. After watching Aladdin she began to wave goodbye to the scrolling credits. I got to be specific and said goodbye to certain people on the list. She copied what I said. It then evolved into saying names that weren't there such as: Bea Arthur, Pauly Shore, Estelle Getty, David Hasslehoff, you get the picture.

I realized that I should never have children because I'll just lie to them and make them repeat catch phrases or inside jokes or lame celebrities.

So i tried to post a while back but the website wasn't being very nice and decided to not post it so that backfired.

Most of my current day entertainment comes from a new widescreen tv that sits gloriously in the living room. From a slouched position on the heavenly couch I enjoy the TV Land reruns. I have learned the wonder that is 80s investigative shows. Now we all know and love the adventures of Macgyver (which occurs at 1pm) but who knows all about Hunter? Not many.

Hunter is quite possibly the best cop show EVER made in the history of the world. He's a maverick cop who likes to wear plaid and say amazing catch phrases such as, "works for me." Meanwhile his partner Dede McCall, once referred to as Brass Cupcake, goes undercover as a prostitute every 1 out of 3 shows. Together they hit the streets of LA and have at least 2 car chases per episode. All you need do is watch the opening sequence, the editors are pure masters at their craft. Evidence can be found througout the episodes but really makes itself clear at the end when they show a mirage of clips that all result in offtimed freeze frames. You need not watch with anyone, the show itself can provide enough laughter without a television savy partner to rip it apart. Yes friends, this show does indeed "work for me."

ZING!

And I'm home. I must say it is rather choice to be back. The ride home was quite an ordeal. There was snow and ice and mountains and pistol whiping. When you are going 30 MPH on the LIE at 3am and you can't pass a oil truck because he is weaving all over the road you think, 'yeah i feel safe, I should do this more often.'

At one point I actually had to follow behind a plow truck. And then the lights went out and the moon was swallowed up by a black hole. Thankfully I had my trusty flashlight of truthitude and it doth created a becon in the darkness of my soul. And from hence forth there twas the streets were free from the oppressive snow. I followed a sugar cookie rainbow to the carmel rivers until I made to suburban long island.

In other news I watched Project Runway on Bravo. I thought it was going to be a train wreck but it turned the tables on me and now I want to see more. I've been away from TV for so long, I forgot how much I loved it.

I recently exited the documentary time portal only to find I need to do well on all my finals to try to boost my grades. However, there is a lack in motivation because nothing could compare to the pay off of documentary. Not even thai food.

That's right I said it.

(insert mind explosion here)

Thanksgiving is 'round the corner and that means its time to give thanks to the things we really care about. I know it's cliche and redundent but you know I'm really thankful for christmas sales. God bless you malls of america for keeping consumerism alive. Without the great discounts given to we the people from some divine being like a CEO of marketing, I don't think we'd ever survive as a society or a people.

The isles and racks of moderately affordable supplies such as shirts, toys, and DVDs keep us all sane. God bless the clerks who always know what to do when something goes wrong. God bless all the nice men, women, and children who stand in long lines full of joy in their hearts for the coming feast of christmas. Always patient, always full of dignity. Without you we would forget the true meaning of the holidays...which I know many people pretend to know. They said stuff like, "your family" or "friends." But you know what? I talked directly with G-O-D, or the G-ster and SHE told me this.

The true spirit of the holidays is (inaudible)

She was eating cereal, Apple Jacks, and I didn't quite catch what she said but I nodded and pretended I did. Then we watched Terminator 2 on TBS together.

ProffesorChaos23: so r you unlactosed yet?
Lactaid Lady: no how could that happen?
ProffesorChaos23: pixies
Lactaid Lady: you make a very good point

Word up.

I've recently decided I'mmo put together to "book" of things I've written. This will include many of these posts. I've been going through old posts and have realized that I'm hilarious. And I mean that in the most egotistical way imaginable. I can tell why people come crawling back day after day because they just aren't capable of the comedy that seems to just ooze from my GORGEOUS self. In case you didn't pick up from that last sentence, I'm also aREAL good looking. So good looking that others try to steal my face. It's true! When they do I take out my bible and tell them that it tis a sin to be full of envy and to steal. So I'm also kinda like a saint, preaching the good word n such.

Saint Lady Fantastic. I'd like to see the following things in my stain glass mural:

1. a kitty
2. french toast
3. a hummer
4. tony danza
5. a mullet on either myself or tony danza

Send your art work to the Church of Awesome care of:
Lady Fantastic/Colleen Evanson
Ithaca College - Tallcott 101
Ithaca, NY 14850

So i got back from Indiana today. 10 hour drive that after awhile makes you forget there is a life of civilization beyond winding cement. Anyway, I get back and I'm wicked hungry. Do I get to eat? No. I have improv from 5-7. Good times. Get back and wanted to make some instant thai food. Open up the package and realize it involves boiling water and the veggy sauce. At this point I contimplate ordering it. Then I realize, you know what, you are 20 you should have the skills to do this as well as the patience to do it. I find the pots, pans, and measuring cup. I boil the water, simmer the sauce, add the noodles, and wait. It's done, I strain the noodles, put the sauce on top, dig my fork in....and.....

it totally wasn't good. I didn't quite cook the noodles enough I just assumed it was long enough. After the second attempt at eating it I realized this wasn't going to work. I'm simply not supposed to be cooking. I'm supposed to be supporting our economy and those who work to make food by ordering thai instead.

and it was good.

I would also like to inform everyone that once again Economics is rearing it's ugly head in my direction. Not only is it staring uncomforably at me for an extented period of time which makes it awkward but it's raising it's arm and pointing a strong finger at me. The finger, though lacking a mouth, manages to tell me that I'm "going down." Then the eyes of Economics get wide with anticipation of the kill and it nods its head real slow.

I'm screwed.

I recieved this in my email and thought I would share:


Dear Lady Fantastic,

My name is Dr. Candy Richardson and I am an associate professor at Ithaca College in the Department of Classical Studies. Being that you are one of the Classiest Ladies on the IC Campus, I was wondering if we could possibly sit down for an interview. You, Lady Fantastic, are one the best examples I have ever seen of pure class and dignity embodied in a human being without any training what so ever. We at the DCS have talked to the DCU and apparently you are still at 100% dignity with a 15% bonus. That is almost unheard of. Please Lady Fantastic, grace us with your presence.

We will be in touch,
Candy Richardson PHD

I responded with:

I'm please my reputation has gotten around, I put up some flyers but it looked like most of them were taken down the next day. Why? I am unsure. I would love an interview with you as well as getting involved with the Department of Classical Studies. My schedule is rather busy full of good deeds and prestige. Just let me know where and when suits you and hopefully it will work out.

Lady Fantastic
"May dignity be your grace."
____________________________________________________
I'll keep you posted to see how the interview goes.

A couple of things.

Thank you american for chosing a leader who is really open minded and all for pollution and homophobia, that's awesome. I'm glad that we've really learned from history that oppressing people who are considered "different" has always worked. Second if the Roe vs. Wade court case is over turned I'm so happy that middle aged white men get to decide what I can do to my body as a woman. That's choice.

I'm happy we are all for freedom and individuals because if we weren't, man that'd be hypocritical.

Four more years of the most elequent and educated leadership in a LONG time. Can't wait.

Oh and finally we can get rid of the big threat from Iraq. I was so worried for a bit that gas prices would just continue to rise.

**This post is brought to you by sarcasm****

I told many people this week that Boston would never win the world series for the following reason. The city would burn to the ground and innocent people would be killed at the hand of riot crazed fans. As a Yankees fan I am disappointed in my team. Tis a shame that they were unable to stop the spread of evil. Now I want to clear up, I really don't have a problem with the Red Sox. It's the fans that get me.

They simply cannot handle a win with pride. Even now at 1am in central NY the fans make themselves known by shouting, setting off illegal fireworks, and throwing things at the buildings. This all in a place at least 5 hours away from the actual city. If Boston wins the world series, good for their team, but a horrible apocalpse will bestow itself upon the city. I thought that God wouldn't let that happen. Appearently something went wrong. But there is still hope that a mother with child won't have to cower in fear when they go outside their home.

Maybe the Boston fans are the true terrorists. Ever think of that G.W.?

I had my first economics test last week. Now I studied quite a bit and realized 1 of 2 things would happen.

1) I am actually understanding this and the test might be easy for me, for once economics seemed to click

OR

2) Economics tricked me into thinking I understood it.

The result...
Economics is a tricky bastard. I'll get you, you better watch your back you jackal!

My resident hall cluster known as BRT has a newsletter being put out on a weekly basis. Each one of these sports an editorial by me under the name "Lady Fantastic" which I stole as one of Amy Poehler's poker names from Celebrity Poker (which yes, I made fun of when it came out because it just shows how obsessed with are with watching celebrities do anything...but i couldn't resist when she was on).

So here is this weeks edition:

Over the course of man there have been many inventions. Some are simple devices that help us in everyday life like a can opener. Others are more complicated and involve the culmination of brilliant minds, for instance, the exploration of space or the cure of polio. Then there are those inventions that seem useless or unnecessary such as motion activated paper towel dispensers or even better condoms/birth control. (What's that about?) However, an item you won't find within any of these categories is one that embodies the human spirit. It can blow a piece of your cranium off in extreme amazement or even force you to double over with intense pain. It can make or break you as a person. "What is this item?" you ask as you lean forward with wonderment. It's humankind's greatest achievement aside from ice cream. Like gods we threw down our collective hands from the heavens and behold, there twas Slip N Slide.

It's simply beautiful; a piece of plastic, some water, a running motion. People actually marketed this concept and society bought it. The instructions were easy. As the commercial once stated, "you run, you slide, you hit the bump, and take a dive."

I have but one complaint. As I discovered this summer while buying two in order to create fun for my 20 year old self I noticed the warnings placed on the slide itself. "Warning: not for use by anyone over 12 years of age, over 5' tall, and over 100lbs." Screw that, I was 0 for 3 but that wasn't going to stop me. I have just spent a good 10 dollars on this. I slipped and slid to no avail. I ran at it as if it were a magical land full of kitties, marshmallows, lateral lisps, and Seinfeld reruns on TBS. Those warnings can take themselves and SHOVE IT. All I got were some minor bruises and sore muscles. Surely this must have happened when I was little.

So why is it that 12 and older people are advised against this joyful sport? Are they not people who can have happiness or know what laughter is? If this were true then how to you explain the Golden Girls? Those ladies were at least 50 and they got their laugh on, many times a week with witty comments and hilarious situations they had to get themselves out of. Is Bea Arthur not allowed to use a Slip N Slide?

Well as president of the Bea Arther fan club I say, hell no, not under my watch. She's an independent woman who can do what she pleases. If she pleases to put out a restraining order because she doesn't want me in her house anymore, fine. I'll respect that and keep my distance of a minimum of 30 feet. That's her choice. However, if I were to set up a Slip N Slide for the both of us to enjoy she can come as close to me as she wants. If that happens to be closer than 30 feet than so be it. And if afterwards she would like to hug me because we are having so much fun it makes her feel like a breath of new life, cool. And if after that she decides to adopt me so we will never be apart then you know what, that's just swell. Whatever Bea wants. I'm there for her. And no slip N slide will prevent that from happening.

So ladies and gents write your congressmen and ask who ever made the Slip N Slide because you know I didn't have the decency to look that up before I started typing this. People say you need to check your sources and everything but whatever, I can't even tell you how many times I made up the title of books in my "Work Cited" page of my papers and I'm still in college. Just do whatever you want, because the other greatest invention of humankind was our ability to be violent. And if you think that an emotion doesn't count as an invention you can just shut your fat mouth.

The End.

The past weekend my RA staff and I spent time creating a custom made slip and slide. Was it awesome? Uh...yeah. So if you too are interested in unending fun/joy/happiness feel free to find a target. Once inside head over to the sporting goods section. Check out the camping isle, grab yo'self a tarp or two as well as some stakes to pin it to the ground. Now the tarp will be 8x10 so cut each one in half, duct tape them together and use the stakes.

Simple application of water does just fine, however, for amplified enjoyment get Baby Oil. This may bring up problems later on because you will feel a tad greasy but that's nothing a good couple of showers won't take care of.

Surely this will result in the most of you will experience in your lifetime.

oh, and...
YOU'RE WELCOME.