Long time no see...

I've decided to share some of my recent work with the world.  I spent time at Ithaca College as an Orientation Leader and one of my jobs was to watch over the writing placement exam.  While there I decided to write my own completely unrelated essays.  This is one of them...

There are many moments in a life that give it quality and meaning.  There are milestones that shape the person we are or who we become.  However, there are also the moments we'd like to turn a blind eye to, forget they happened and if brought up we may lie and say we don't remember.  Embarassment occurs here and there; trip up some stairs, or realizing our fly has been down for at least 20 minutes.  Then there are milestones within milestones full of moments well witnessed that could never be forgotten.  These are what one may call dignity loss.  This action may be defined when a person or persons does something rather taboo in society either willingly or unwillingly.  Not all dignity loss is severe.  Some arent even aware they lost a part of their dignity, only the witness to such an event would know.  For example a man has a cold, there is some nasel drip and he wipes way too much goobers onto his hand.  To him it' no big deal, he knows he has a cold and cannot control the situation, but to an onlooker the man with boogers all over his hang just lost part of his dignity. 
For those who have never seen dignity loss I'd like to direct you towards the recent trend in television...reality tv.  Perhaps the greatest example is Fear Factor.  Once a person willingly participates in eating large insects, cow eyes, or rancid intestinal juice for money, they have not only lost their dignity but they did so on national tv.  This my friends is a severe case. 
I'm going to break it down and get real with you guys right now.  I admit I lost my dignity once.  I was at a dance having a good time.  I was having such a good time that I decided to have a few drinks.  I pounded them back as if I were some machine that only ran on alcohol.  It tasted so good on my taste buds.  Addition over took my judgement.  My speech slurred, the room spun, I think I hit on an older man and while doing so I threw up alittle in my mouth.  I couldnt find the bathroom so I decided maybe I could just swallow it back down.  It worked for about ten seconds before it returned with avenence.  I not only threw up again but threw up onto the older man I had hit on and farted pretty damn loud. 
Was this the end of my life?  Kinda.  There was a person filming the event in order to cherish their neices 6th birthday and so my dignity loss was caught on tape.  I felt like a tragic character from Shakespeare.  I wanted no sun in my life.  Until one day while dealing drugs I passed by a nice suburban home.  They had a hammock.  Liking it immediately I stole it and tied it between two trees in my backyard.  It helped me feel better about my dignity loss until squirrels came and chewed the rope attaching it to the tree.  (Who knew squirrels enjoyed hammocks?) I stole-I mean bought another one, but it happened again.  I damned the squirrels and hated them for all they stood for.  But then while watching Oprah she talked about living the dream so I went out and bought a hammock that is held up on poles so those squirrels couldnt get their dirty, no good, nut loving, booze guzzling hands on it.  Now thanks to Oprah I got to live my dream and got over my dignity loss.  I hold my chin up high and sometimes celebrate with alcohol.  Sometimes.

The end....
The best part is we handed that essay in to be graded as if I were a freshman and that was my actually essay.  They gave me the lowest score, because not once did I refer to the reading AND I appearently have an attiude problem.  They were relieved when told it was  joke.