Merry belated Christmas! I have successfully eaten too much junk food. There is always too much food and a ton of leftovers. I'm not sure where we get the idea of 4 servings per person or why we always bring food to other events, avoid eating it, and then insist to others that they have to take it home. Rinse and repeat.

In other news I went to the mall yesterday. Yay, the mall! Of course it was crowded and of course H&M was 100 degrees but that didn't stop me from shopping. I was very focused on spending gift cards and money. You know, the important things in life.

My biological clock is slowing slipping into New York time. That being said I'm still up til 2am. I always think I'm going to wake up early. Set the alarm for 9am (vacation early time). The alarm goes off, I pretend I'll get up and hit snooze until that's annoying and I turn it off thinking I'll be up in 5 minutes. Cut to 20 minutes later and I wake up all, "Oh crap!" But really what am I waking up for? The parents are back to work, my brother is asleep, and there is nothing on TV. Case in point, today I did some Yoga while watching Jurassic Park, thanks HBO.

Very eventful mid-afternoon.

This morning (using the term loosely) I woke up and my family disappeared. Much like the beloved holiday film "Home Alone;" though I don't have the energy or know how to pull off many of Kevin's shenanigans.

I'm pretty sure my Dad is at work, my Mom is doing last minute holiday shopping, and my brother is sleeping. However, the dog is missing so perhaps he's getting a holiday haircut because he was looking a bit rugged. By the way, in case I have never mentioned it my dog Parker is a super handsome dark furred golden retriever who is 80 plus pounds of mush. If he was a human he would be a very handsome latino gay man. Quite a catch.

Perhaps if I go back to sleep the universe will right itself and everyone will be home again. Justification for more sleepy time!

Also, travel drama update: I called Virgin America today and didn't have to bitch out at all to get money back for booking another flight after mine was canceled - see below.

Turns out my red eye flight didn't get canceled as I was banking. Instead it was only delayed til midnight. Bonus LL Cool J was on the flight and I tried to make an effort not to stare and failed.

Also fun, as we were landing the child sitting in front of me totes vomited all over so I got to smell that for the next hour that we sat around outside the gate waiting for it to be cleared. Apparently we were the first flight to come in to JFK this morning, but that could easily have been a lie/an attempt to impress us all. Didn't fool me.

The worst part about leaving 70 degree weather for the blizzard of '09 is that I leave all heavy clothes at home and turns out wearing converse shoes makes you susceptible to taking several spills down stairs with luggage in hand. Fun! Also fun is the train ride getting canceled halfway to my house and we had to get out and walk to another train station where the stair falling occurred. Thankfully I wasn't the only one. I recall mumbling several curses and phrases involving the word "ridiculous."

Mama needs a nap.

The blizzard of 2009 is being very selfish. I might have to crack some heads at the Virgin America check in booth when my flight tonight is inevitably canceled. This morning I was canceled, now I'm delayed 4 hours. Not a fan.

The best part is when I get cranky/annoyed on the customer service phone to the robot lady. She asks for my phone number, but can never find my info, then asks for my confirmation number, then asks for your last name. Eventually I just start saying things like "You Suck" or "Son of a Bitch," to which she replies, "I'm sorry, I couldn't find anything under that name."

My aunt told me somewhere those responses are recorded and I thought, "There will be some real gems today." In short, you're welcome.

I booked a back-up flight on Southwest for Monday for when the aforementioned Virgin flight is canceled. I'd like my money refunded in full and am not afraid to call in with bomb threats until I get it. I don't want to get mean but I will bitch you out if necessary. I'll get all street on you.

If my flight options today were a flow chart every option would go directly to: You're Screwed.

Last night was my company's holiday party at a fancy hollywood bowling alley. We had a private room with food and drinks. First I'd like to say I successfully got tipsy off white wine before proceeding to white russians. I'm a very racist drink orderer.

Second, I didn't bowl until much later in the eve when everyone was basically all on one lane, though we had 4 reserved. Naturally I went over to the empty lane where, lo and behold, there was a game half complete. Ever the good worker, I decided to finish it up...on my own. I am pretty sure I bowled more than anyone else in a matter of 20 minutes. But I paid a price. Today my entire left leg is sore up to my butt. I am def no bowling pro, but my form does involve a lunge. So despite getting in exercise on a daily basis, it seems throwing a 10 pound ball is something my body just can't handle.

We all know bacon instantly makes things better but who knew it applied to first aid.

http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products-Bacon-Bandages.html

There is no limit to what we can accomplish...

On Sunday I cooked, like with an oven.

I would like to say spaghetti squash is the most amazing thing ever. All you have to do is cut it in half, place it face down in a baking tray (add some water if you please) and let it bake for an hour at 375 degrees. You take it out, let it cool down for a bit, then take a fork and scrap out the insides. It strings out like spaghetti on it's own. The magic of mother nature!

People will ask how you got the consistancy and think it took forever. Feel free to lie saying it was VERY complicated. So adult of you...

It's raining in LA. I can probably count on my hand the number of times that has happened since I moved out here 3 years ago. Or perhaps it would best be described by Annie Lennox lyrics:

And I miss you
like the deserts miss the rain.

Deserts and rain have had a strained relationship. There was some kind of falling out that none of us are aware of but basically they aren't talking. Every so often they'll see each other but mostly they avoid eye contact and pretend not to notice as they pass by. It's tragic really. The people of the land are the ones who suffer. I mean seriously guys, work it out. For the kids.

I apologize for my tardiness as of late. The holiday season means doing more "work" before the break. December is FLYING by. My mom bugged me for several weeks to send her my Christmas list, which was quite scarce this year. I'm officially at the age of boring gifts.

I sat there at my computer and after several days of thinking could only really come up with an assortment of gift cards. Not to pat myself on the back but I don't really want much. My daily needs are: internet, food, and sleep. On occassion I buy things like DVDs and clothes. I live like I'm in the depression. While staying with my Aunt in LA I was notorious for not allowing her to throw away food that she deemed as "bad." I'd always volunteer to eat it, or as I liked to say, test the boundries of the human body. I always survived. You don't get food poisoning if you cut around the bad parts. Duh. But honestly, that pie you just made isn't stale after two days.

Back in the day, when I twas a young lass in elementary school my parents used to pack my lunches. No brown bag. No themed metal lunchbox, but a soft velcro thermal lined concoction with assorted colors. You can imagine how cool I was.

Now at the time I was semi annoyed I didn't get Yoo-Hoo (which you can drink in 2 seconds -there is NOTHING in those things), or any of the other bad for you snacks. An apple?! How am I supposed to get early onset diabetes with that?! Ridiculous...

On occasion my parents would give me some snack money for Hot Fries. I LOVED those things. All the kids used to dare each other to eat a whole bag without anything to drink. I totally did it.

Now for all my home made lunches which lasted through my senior year (thank you mom!), I do remember that on Friday's I'd get money for the pizza bagel. It was A-mazing. There was a crazy amount of cheese on these things and the bagel was semi soggy but somehow it was the best thing in the world. I'm sure there is some gov't lunch organization that has all of them stored up. I needs me a business plan to start up a shop. Then I'll create a gimmic food completition so it's featured on Man V. Food. Then I can be rich and fraud a whole bunch of people.

My end game would be to have a pool full of money that I can swim in like Scrooge McDuck.

I really love how the word "diversity" has become a blanket term for race.

I saw a few movies over the break. First up: New Moon. Let me preface that it wasn't a movie I wanted to go to because I'm a total snob. In fact the exchange with my cousin Nate was as follows:

Nate: You know I'm going to make you see New Moon with me.
Me: I'd like to see you try.

Thankfully I didn't pay for it. Once again I was expecting so little that it wasn't the worst thing I've seen but it could have been a hour long. Here's basically what happens, and I'm not ruining anything here. Below I will channel the voice of the main character Bella.

Bella: Ah, boo! Two hot boys like me and I'm in high school, my life is SO hard. : (

Next movie: The Blind Side. This one I actually had an interest in seeing, mostly because I'm a sucker for based on true life events. Yet I am not sure how I feel about a movie that is basically like, "oh look black people need white people to be successful." However, Sandra Bullock does rock the casbah. Also, it appears she is no longer aging.

The other day I had a dream that I met Meryl Streep. I got a minor case of the giggles which she acknowledged. I think I was there to help with a film shoot or interview so it's not like I randomly accosted her. We started to chat and then my damn alarm woke me up and ruined everything. Way to go real life.

In other news, I grazed on apple/peach cobbler/cherry/pumpkin/pecan pie for about 2 days straight whilst in the AZ. On Friday I went for a 2.8 mile walk and although I didn't break a sweat I felt like I successfully burnt all the calories off. Never doubt the power of denial.

Also I loved that on Thanksgiving day the radio was starting to play Christmas songs. We weren't even done with turkey before making the mad dash into the present buying insanity. I will never understand sleeping outside of Best Buy when you can have Santa take care of it for you. Hello people he has a magical bag full of your hearts desire!

It's almost Turkey Day. Sorry turkeys but we'z a gonna eat cha! Personally I'm more excited about the desserts. This year I'll be going to the AZ to hang out with some Mormons that I'm semi related to through marriage. Should be fun.

I went a few years ago I almost exclusively ate pie everyday as a meal. A-mazing. See if you eat it as your meal only two times a day and walk around the block it pretty much negates the calories. Yeah, I'm going with that.

If I'm out of reach for awhile you know why. I got converted. Also there is a high probability that my cousin Nate will force me to see New Moon. I might indulge him if he doesn't mind hearing snarky comments the entire time, that or I'll just take a nap.

Allow me to discuss the movie 2012 with you. First of all I saw it last night and if you go in with the expectation of it to suck, then you leave going, "you know, it wasn't terrible..." Let me be clear, it's not good either. It's no Snakes On A Plane, however, I enjoyed making snarky comments with friends throughout.

What I like best about this whole thing is that they didn't release the movie in the year 2012 which to me would have been fun to capitalizes on people's paranoia. I'm pretty sure that's because they thought, well just in case the world does end I'd like to make money off this and be rich for three years before I die. That's a pretty good exit strategy.

I have looked into many a 2012 theories. I'm convinced that I got about 3 years left since it's slated to happen at the end of the 2012 year. That being said, I'd like to live it up these next few years. So perhaps I should run up a crazy amout of credit card debt with the idea that I'll never really have to pay it back. It's basically a fool proof plan. Unless we get another Y2K situation. Then I'm screwed.

But from what I've read about Super Volcano's, I dunno what's worse: dying in a fire blast from the erruption or surviving and having to live through a nuclear winter. Die instantly or die gradually. Probs going with the instant, though I'm sure the lines for Heaven will be to DMV proportions.

One thing I know for sure. I'd rather die on one of the coasts then survive in middle America.

If you are a vampire are you ONLY allowed to drink blood or is cake fair game? In all these TV shows and movies they mention how they never really eat. I dunno about you, but if I had to live forever without enjoying the awesome power of banana bread or stuffing myself at an all you can eat Indian buffet, that would be a deal breaker.

Sorry, I'm out. I'm catching the next sunset. See you on the flip side.

I'm fascinated by bizarre things that become popular like Cirque du Soleil. Can you image the first pitch of that idea...

Businessman: So you're telling me that it's like the regular circus except no one speaks english, everyone's half naked, and it's overall much gayer?
Artist: Yeah, basically.
Businessman: Get the hell out of my office.

But even better is BodyWorks. For those unfamiliar it's an exhibit that shows real human bodies in mostly bones and muscles form. It's like a freakish science fair. I have been to it before and it's amazing. However as you stand there and look at the muscles of some ice skater on top of their game you wonder, ok how exactly did you get that person's body when they died?

You are told they donate their body to science, but did they know they were dying or was it a freak accident? I mean I get why you have the obese guy but the marathon runner in the best shape of their life just to happened to die AND noted at 25 that they wanted their body donated?

I smell a conspiracy...or perhaps an excuse not to exercise. Not only is it true that fat kids are harder to kidnap but no one will ever try to kill you and put you on display.

I work at a small studio that allows people to bring in their dogs. My boss has 2 big white labs who pay us all a visit once every couple of months. They are cute but spoiled and when you want to work they want you to throw a ball down the hallway. They bark at you when you don't. It's especially fun when you are on the phone.

Originally my boss only had one named Owen. Then a few years later they got another one named Joey who is only 6 months but he's huge. Now Owen is naturally annoyed at Joey's energy level and attention for being the "puppy." He displayed some of this anger yesterday by doing the following:

1. Humping Joey's face while they wrestled.
2. Peeing on Joey's head.

And as if that's not awkward enough later in the day when I took them both out on their second bathroom break Joey pooped and was clearly aroused.

Gross.

It has come to my attention that I need to correct a previous post about the Snuggie.

In my post I implied the Snuggie was created because we were too lazy to take a blanket off ourselved while we're laying around and need to use our hands. I have been corrected, that it is there to keep you warm while you use your arms. I apologize if this has caused the Snuggie any financial harm.

However, may I suggest to them that it could be beneficial to add gloves onto the sleeve so the hands won't be cold. As someone with poor circulation in my hands this enhancement would be much appreciate. There should be a traction layer on the palm side so you can easily grip the remote control or pages of your book (thanks for the complimentary book light!).

Also while we're at it, can we add some pants with little booties on the end, and perhaps a velcro back so I can suit up in the mornings? I've heard the dog snuggie has velcro to keep it on them but it kinda makes me jealous. I want to be wrapped up like a delish cozy burrito.

The Snuggie is TOTES the new Robe.

Second Grade Journal:

The Mealworm Saga Part IV

1. They wigal when you pick it up.
2. They have a little bit of hair.
3. They have 13 segments in them.
4. They have legs in the front of them.
5. They like to walk on the side of the dish.
6. I think they will trun into bettles.

Number 7 was written but then X'd out. Who knows what I planned to say. Though it's written in pencil so I'm not sure why I didn't just erase it. But then again so many things in my journal don't make sense. It's really a miracle I got through second grade.

Second Grade Journal:

Mealworm Saga - Part III

They have antnnas.
Some are girls some are boys.
They have two eyes.
Two of my mealworms shedded.
If you put the mealworms on the apple they climb off.

I then proceeded to draw a picture of one and affectionally called it Paco, though the eraser marks show originally I went with Judy.

Also:

78 - 63 = 15

Those of you who might not be aware of "white problems" please feel free to read plenty of them listed here:

www.whitewhine.com

Enjoy.

Seriously, what did we do without the internet?

I know that back in the "olden times" there was a lot of stuff to make up like electricity, cars, or literacy. But after the invention of the sandwich, what did people do to fill up their days? I'm sure some were poor and had to work all the time and rich people created country clubs, but I'm talking like in the 80s. Obviously we filled time with creating choice outfits with as many neon colors as possible, but then what? Getting a perm is not an all day affair.

Did people actually work more? Were they more productive without the distractions from sites such as Fail Blog or YouTube? I doubt it.

I think we were just bored and took less proscription drugs for disorders we hadn't yet made up.

Speaking of, how ridiculous is this Latisse thing Brooke Shields is selling!? A prescription drug that helps grow your eye lashes longer and fuller. I mean REALLY?! This is what we're using science for now? You guys completely gave up on the cancer thing and shifted focus on the epidemic of non awesome eyelashes that weren't helped through mascara?

If that's not a white people problem, I dunno what is.

The other day I saw a commerical for the Snuggie aka a blanket with arm sleeves because we all know how hard it is to take a blanket off when we need to use our hands. Commericals in general are ridiculous to me but this one took the cake.

First of all they tried to show off their fancy new options like zebra and leopard print, so everyone can see how cool you are. Then they had the nerdiest white guy wearing one while laying on a couch and raising the roof. A-mazing.

But my all time fave part is when the entire family is wearing one and they are playing pictionary. Naturally there is a picture of the Snuggie already drawn and they get excited when someone guesses it. Now if you are ALL wearing it, is it really necessary to draw it? I mean I know that's the point of the game but wouldn't you just point to yourself. This seems like a lot of work for a product that is supposed to make my life easier. Also what game of pictionary has this as an option?

The Marketing geniuses strike again!

If I ever get too rich for my own good then I would really like to install a cookie shower. That's right, a nice warm cookie shower is the perfect pick me up in the morning.

In my head it's awesome, especially when I'd have cookies like white chocolate macadamian nut, snickerdoodle, double stuff oreos, oatmeal, peanut butter. However, I'm sure if the cookies aren't fresh enough that it'd hurt your head. Also you'd have to take a real shower afterwards to get the crumbs off. It's not very efficient so I'm sure only Hummer owners would want one.

OHH, BURN!

Favorite Phrase of the Day:

"Take that life gem and bedazzle a sweater."

Then my co-worker Samantha and I got into a discussion as to the best material to bedazzle. She thinks sweaters are too baggy, but a leotard is too much. So we agreed that a denim purse would be perf for it. Show that ish off 'round town and make all the peeps jealous.

And yes I just shortened perfect to be perf. Deal with it.

Second Grade Journal

The Mealworm Saga - Part II

Do they turn into beetles?
How meny eyes do they have?
My meal worms have two antnnas.
They have alittle bit of hair on them.
They try to crul out.
They are not noisey.


Unrelated Bonus Story:
This morning I saw a man with a mustache so large it ate his mouth and was still hungry for more.

Second Grade Journal Entry:

The Mealworm Saga - Part 1

They look like worms.
I feel good about them.
They curl up when they walk.
They do not moving a lot.
One of them likes the apple.

Stay tuned for the next installment with questions and more vague observations.

I really hope that if there is a Heaven you get to eat all the food you want and not gain any weight.

Daylight Savings Time is a crazy little thing that confuses us when we wake up in the morning and the digital clock doesn't match our phone. I awoke on Sunday thinking, why didn't my phone alarm go off, it's past 8:30AM according to the clock near the bed. But then oh, ho it was only 7:30AM. SCORE! Bonus hour of sleep. It was even better than finding a $20 in an old pair of jeans.

But I wonder in a society that becomes more and more reliant on technology every day that we will lose the wonder of realizing we gain an hour of sleep in the fall. Everything will be sync'd and you can no longer use that as an excuse when you're late. You'll just wake up feeling extra refreshed before your robot slave arrives with your breakfast and slippers.

TIP: Make the robot slave eat the breakfast first so you know it's not poison because it's bound to turn on you eventually.

Last night I reluctantly saw "Couple's Retreat." Let's just say I should have followed my gut and not gone in the first place. It did have some great one liners and the first couple of acts were decent but the last part just sucked. When you have a sub par Guitar Hero montage/stand off, you know you're in trouble.

On the plus side I got to see the trailer for "It's Complicated" starring my talent crush Meryl Streep and (bonus!) Alec Baldwin. My brain almost exploded from the sheer joy. Now, if that one sucks too, I'll be a-real sad.

:_ (

Halloween ain't no joke.

Wow, I am SO surprised that Britney Spears with all her vocal talent is being auto tuned in her latest song "3." At least her music video is tasteful...

Yesterday I went to get my hairs cut a bit. I don't have a set hairdresser so I bounce around. I did the walk in and hit it off really well with this woman named Chris. We had good a haircutting talk; no awkwardly long pauses or concern that I shouldn't talk because she didn't seem to have a keen grasp on what she was doing. We all know that feeling.

When I was done we both agreed it twas a good time. I got her card and as I walked over to pay she said she usually didn't like getting women because they can be crazy about their hair but every so often you get a girl who is cooler than a dude. I am that girl.

Take that dudes!

Los Angeles is a beautiful place to live. Being from the East Coast I don't mind not having the winter to deal with, however, I miss the seasons. I like it when it gets cloudy. I like a little rain. Mix it up. It sounds ridiculous but you can get bored of sunny and 70s. (Please try to stiffle the urge to punch me in the face.)

What I don't like about the great weather is that the people here can't handle it when it's not perfect. In general there are WAY too many people with driver's licenses who don't deserve them aka no one knows how to drive. So when it rains, it might as well be the Apocalyse. That being said it shouldn't surprise you that when it was CRAZY windy yesterday and some street lights went out, it took people 40 mins to go 5 miles.

Oy. There has got to be a better way. If we can't handle wind how we will deal with flying cars? According to Back the Future II they are slated to appear around 2015.

That's when I'm glad I ride my bike. Although there were a few times when the wind blew so hard the bike pulled to the side and dust was all up in ma face that I didn't feel as fortune.

This past Sunday I ventured to Knott's Scary Farm for some pre-Halloween fun. First of all, it sounds like NOT Scary Farm which confused me. Did they name it that or was that given to it by the people who deemed it lame?

For those of you unfamiliar, it's basically an amusement park turned into a giant haunted house. Some of it is indeed not scary. I tried to act too cool for school when people in costume would approach me, follow me, or just jump out at me. I'd either try to calm them down by saying, "alright," whist holding up my hand OR I'd yell out "Oh my God," "Jesus!" or the F bomb.

Some of the "mazes" were creepy, some were expected, and others were sad. Highlights:

1. When we first entered the park a woman dressed in 18th century clothes followed us and yelled at my friend Pete, "EGON!" Jose and I were confused. Who is Egon? Is she saying EVIL?So we asked her. She stayed in character saying "EGON!" When we continued to be confused she explained, Egon from Ghostbusters. Turns out she thought Pete looked like a younger Harold Ramis (aka Dr. Egon Spengler). When we agreed with an "oooh..." she totally broke character saying, "Right?"

2. Getting some free, recently popped Kettle Korn. Delish.

3. Getting my hair touched by a creepy security guard on my way out of a maze called "Lockdown." Thankfully I had no idea but everyone else saw and thought it was weird.

4. At end of the "Labyrinth" maze, the last guy before the exit was leaning in his cubby hole, yawning.

5. Watching THE WORST stage show ever that attempted to be pop culture savy by having every summer blockbuster character in it like Optimus Prime and then also Susan Boyle. But even worse than the lame "too soon" Michael Jackson jokes was an employee stuck at one of the nearby booths mouthing all the words robotically. Tragic.

We also decided that if we worked there, we'd want to be the people who walked around the park messing with people all night and when that got boring, probably just take a nap in the bushes.

Oh Friday, bless your heart. I have missed you so.

Today I am looking forward to going to Yogurtland. Have you heard? Tis a wonderous place. As you might have guessed they sell yogurt there. Unlike other places where you think the high school employee is being stingy, here it's self serve. That's right I get to mix, match, and go crazy not just on yogurt but toppings as well.

And we're not talking about chump toppings like sprinkles, marshmellows, chocolate syrup. They take it to the next level. Oh what's that, Cap'N Crunch, anyone? That's right. Or how about some asian flare Mochi? Scoop it up. Wanna pretend to be healthy? Add some crushed almonds.

Same deal with the flavors. They got the basic tart and mixed berry jazz. But then WHAMMY - Nutter Butter, Cheesecake, Bananas Foster, Pistacio, Taro (yes!), Coconut, Cookies N Cream, and now for Fall - Pumpkin Pie and Ginger Bread.

The fattie within is full of glee. Especially when I trick myself into thinking I can get more because it's frozen yogurt, not ice cream. Kinda like when people get fast food and then order the Diet Coke, because that's gonna help.

Also if any employees are reading I'd be happy to tattoo your ads on my face so I can then stuff said face with delish yogurt fo' free. Thanks!

It's time again to share some gems from second grade.

List 5 things you know about fire safety.

1. Don't liet a fire.
2. Don't breth the smock.
3. Don't let things bran.
4. Don't staf things up.
5. Don't hid.

Who knew that bran would not only keep you regular but could also cause fires. There should be warnings for that. Also if there is a fire, don't hide in the past tense. It's just bad news.

I would like to smack Glen Beck's face off.

That's right, slap him so damn hard his face literally falls off. Then ban all doctors from putting it back on. Not allowed, sorry. You get to be faceless. No more crying because you're country is getting taken away from you by that awful black man in charge. No more sorry excuse for a talk show. But probably worse - no more coy/flirtatious self photos to post of Facebook, because you KNOW he'd totes does that.

oh snap! semi political rant.

I hope in my next life I'm a cat so I can sleep 16 hours a day and it's considered normal.

However, I shant be using a litterbox. I'll be one of those cats that uses the toilet. In fact, I bet most cats that flush were once people. It's just more civilized.

As someone who exclusively uses their Debit Card it's rare I have cash, let alone spare change. So when a homeless person asks me for money I really am not lying when I say I don't have any. This allows me to feel less guilty for not giving them any. Yet on occasion when I have spare change I will share; it ranges from about 50 cents to a dollar, you know, just in case it's Jesus in desguise. Gotta have something to show for my "Good Deeds" reel.

Now the semi-smart bums out here hang around outside the ATMs and as you walk by they ask if you have change. However, I'm on my way over there so currently no and when I pass again they KNOW I have money but let's be honest, you're not getting my $20. Especially when there isn't even a jig involved.

You need me to break Sir Jackson on something. If I were homeless I'd tag team with kids that accost you with candy for their basketball team outside grocery stores. Then maybe they'd get some change. Then again, if they had those entrepreneurial skillz they probs wouldn't be homeless in the first place.

While talking with my dear friend Chaia today at the Creative Screenwriting Expo about the apparent return of the "rat tail" phenomenon I fully exposed myself as a Star Wars nerd by suggesting that perhaps these people were Padawans.

Then whilst discussing how awesome that would be - for example, if Jedi's actually recruited next to Army booths - we were out nerded by someone dropping a Midichlorian reference. He then tried to play it off saying he wasn't a big Star Wars fan, but we knew that was a lie.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's ok, I don't judge.

Halloween is just 'round the corner so I'd like to give some tips I learned from second grade.

List 4 safety rules to remember when trck or treating.

1. Olwas wock for strads.
2. Olwas chek your candy.
3. Olwas go with a gronup.
4. Don't go with strads.

I think it's safe to say let's just avoid the strads all together. They are just bad news. Strads of course being strangers, or at least that's what I think I'm talking about, in my secret twin language.

Recently I have been going through my second grade journal and I found some seasonally appropriate gems. Enjoy:

Second Grade Journal Entry

List 4 things you know about Christopher Columbus.

1. He sald the seven seas.
2. He fawnd amerak.
3. He was a kind man.
4. He was a brav man.

Not only did Columbus discover America (cough) lies (cough), he also found a nation similar in spelling but not capitalized. God Bless amerak. I'm also a fan of how much they lie to us at that age. Sorry kids but as you get older you will learn that Columbus was really quite a douche.

Then at the bottom of the page:

Kate das
4+4=8
4+3=7

In case you weren't aware.

Not sure about you but I can't wait for the completion of the Harry Potter world in Florida. Basically my mind will 'splode seeing Hogwarts come to life. It'll be a hardcore nerd out, the likes of which I may never recover.

Let me break it down for you: I want to be a wizard and when I set foot in there I'll believe I shall become one However, being a Muggle, it's not going to happen. That's just the hard truth of the matter. Therefore I shall submit my application to be the guidence counselor of Hogwarts. Perhaps the exposure to magic will allow me to become one, but if not, I'll just live vigariously through the students aka failed actors hired by Warner Bros to fill the place. Whatever works.

Dear Jon Stewart,

Thank you for existing.

Lub,
C$

Also, big ups to Cousin Pat in the NYC for sending me this gem:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-wqmnJrOFM

Whilst on my way to the Farmer's Market this morning I walked by a couple of homeless guys. After I had gotten at least 5 feet away one of them yelled out, "We need change!"

I thought, "Literal or figurative?" Then a second later I heard from his grizzled, bearded, dirty friend, "Bitch!"

When I turned around with a look of "Really?" He then followed up with, "Slut!"

First of all, me not giving you money doesn't make me a slut. Get your insults right. Second, if you are homeless and want people to give you money you need another strategy.

This is semi-old news but when I first heard Ellen Degeneres was going to be a judge on American Idol I thought it was a joke. Aren't you busy with a successful talk show that shoots all week? Not to mention those amusing American Express commercials. How much more dancing must you bring to America? Have mercy! The Baby Boomers are getting old and busting a move will throw our their backs.

Don't you have a super hot GF to go home to? Unless...uh-oh, you don't WANT to go home. I see what's happening here. Well, avoiding the problem by spending more time with Randy's "Dog Pound" won't help you out of the...Dog House. (You see what I did there, clever right?)

After all, you're both women, I'm sure you can talk it out. I mean, am I right, fellas?!

I watched Boogie Nights for the first time today and I am so surprised that nothing good comes from sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It just seems Hollywood makes you think it's a lethal combo. I mean sure there are your ups and downs with life in the fast lane, the walk of shame has to happen at some point. Honestly, the cops don't know what's up and doing impromptu drug hustles usually work out. Only a few times have people been shot that I've witnessed. No big.

You know where else people get shot? War. And you don't see Hollywood making ANY films about that. Especially Iraq ones. I mean it's been like less than 4 months since the last one. Slackers. This ish is happening!

truth bomb: dropped.

I encourage all you new readers to use the handy dandy "Search Oldschool" feature to the right and look up "second grade." Awhile back I posted some gems from my second grade journal. It's probably some of the funniest stuff I ever wrote. I peaked at 9.

Today I'd like to discuss that PitBull song "Hotel Room Service." He's one of those rap stars the kids listen to. Now in his song he talks about taking the ladies to a "hotel, motel, Holiday Inn."

This got me to think about these options. If I had to choose between the three what would it be?

Hotel - this could be nice, or sketchy. It's vague. Best Western or Ritz? It's a gamble and seeing that I don't even like playing the quarter machines in casinos, makes me slightly nervous that I'd be sorely disappointed with the lack of a kitchenett. Not that I need to cook, but do we HAVE to go out and eat, I mean I gotta watch this figure, it's not happening by accident.

Motel - def not. If I'm interested in a drug deal or hanging out with tranny hookers then yes. I apologize to those respectable hole in the walls, but you'd probs be on my side with this.

Holiday Inn - affordable. I think, weekend get away with the kids or where you stay when you have a soccer tournament. I know what to expect here. It's a safe bet that you won't have a GREAT time but it won't be awful either. And I'm ok with mediocrity. I choose you, Pikachu!

That being said I'd never go to a Holiday Inn with Pitbull. Maybe mini golf.

Let's take a moment to discuss stalkers. Yes, thanks to things like the interwebz (aka information superhighway), and Facebook you can find just about anybody. But remember the good ol' days before that? When you had to be crazy enough to hop on a plane, fly to LA, get a star map, go on a tour to scope out the house, then return later under cover of darkness. Or so I assume. It's quiet an investment.

Now - boop, bop, beep - enter key - and behold! semi nude, blurry photo of what's her face.

But regardless if you are an oldschool or newschool stalker, does it really work out? For example, the guy who went for Jodie Foster years ago. I mean, dude, she's still gay, at best you are a friend. I doubt celebs are impressed with the ability to jump the fence to their house and your juking skillz as their security tackles you to the ground. Oh, hello Court Order, so nice to see you again.

Has any celeb ever said, "Wow, you are too legit to quit. You really do care. Let's go enjoy the endless salad bar at Olive Garden." Even Courtney Love isn't that crazy, nor classy enough for the likes of the fine italian cuisine of said chain restaurants.

By the way I want to throw it out there I think I'd make a great non threatening stalker. I think I'd try to just move in and be the new neighbor. Though I'm sure I couldn't afford a house in the B. Hills, so maybe I'd just sneak onto their neighbor's yard with a hose and be outside in my PJs, you know, watering. They come out to get the paper and I'm all too cool for school:

ME: "Hi there. I'm not at all flustered by your presence what so ever."
CELEB: Good morning charming young lass. Say would you like to join me at (insert name dropping event)?
ME: "What's that you're having a BBQ and I'm invited? I have to see that I'm free."

It's only a matter of time, Pat Sajak.

If I was independently wealthy or a trust fund baby I wouldn't invest in the stock market, yachts, movies, or even a pool full of money to swim in, Scrooge McDuck style.

Now don't go thinking I'd give it away to charity. That's ridiculous. I'd put the money into a much needed franchise:

Vampire/Jedi research institutions

That's right, let's make these things real. Let's find ways to not just have fictional shows about vampires, but reality shows. Then maybe something like Big Brother could be slightly interesting. Also if we can create Jedi's then we'd get lightsabers. Real ones, not the ones available at a Spencer's Gifts near you. I'm talking about caulderizing arms off in sketchy cantina's when they give you lip.

It's not like we don't have enough money or enough volunteers. This could even be a solution to some of our economy woes. You want to decrease state spending on incarceration? Write to your congressman. Hello. May I introduce you to my good friend, Jail? All they do is watch tv and get shanked. At least now they can lead the way to a better tomorrow. We'll only use them for the testing phase because obvs (obviously) they can't become Jedi since they are bad. They'll go all Sith on us and ruin everything. Can't have that, no sir.

Though it may be small in size, the power of the Fanny Pack is a true force to be reckoned with.

I've decided to pull a Brett Farve and come out of retirement. Hopefully I won't suck.

Instead I fancy this come back to the likes of the latest installment of the Batman movies. None of that George Clooney business. What was that about? Did he leave ER for that? Check minus.

But I must recruit the troops. Propaganda is best, so I think I'll have facebook do my bidding.

Fear not! I shall keep posts short. Twitter is like the new blog. Lord knows we don't want to read more than a sentence or two. Don't want to exhaust ourselves. Plus reading is gross.