Today I discussed death and heaven with one of my co-workers. It wasn't anything serious. We both agree that once you die Death comes to visit and let's you know if you achieved awesome status in your life - like tickets you win at ski ball. If you rack up enough points you have the option to haunt someone....and also get a friendship bracelet.

Here are your Haunting Level Packages:

- Prankster: misplace objects (socks/keys), weird light in photos. (Next time you can't find something, think to yourself, who did I wrong that recently died?)

- Legit Haunting: ability to whisper, turn rooms cold, one time appearance but animals can see you (dogs bark)

- White Gold: all of the above PLUS ability to shake/move things, enter dreams, repeat appearances.

White Gold is more likely to achieve if you were a good person who was wronged and/or murdered.

If you were murdered there are bonus options such as:

Ultimate revenge: get to cause their death/plan punishment in hell
OR
Sick Karma on them: takes longer but more satisfying vs immediate gratification of haunting.

This whole thing comes with a stack of paperwork including instructions so that way people who are flaky and THINK they want to be a ghost will easily give up and just move on. Death is kinda like a lawyer in that way. Or the guy who talks really fast at the end of drug commercials listing off all the side effects.

We here in California had ourselves an Easter Earthquake, though I bet the people of Mexico thought it was more like el diablo rising out of the ground. EL DIABLO! They got a 7.2 but we only got a long lazy swaying that made you feel like you were drugged.

The best part about mild earthquakes out here is the news coverage afterward. To be clear, the news in Los Angeles is beyond a joke. It's basically info-tainment. Case in point, they showed pictures of streets cracked and stores all messy and at the top it read "SOURCE: Twitter." I mean, really?

So of course the news stations take phone calls but it's never people who were at the center of it because that takes more than 30 seconds to find. Instead you get some old lady telling everyone that her family keepsake Christmas oranments were ruined, and another person saying, "it felt like it was right under us."

My feelings can best be summed up by my cousin putting his hand to his forehead.