hello all. I apologize that within my busy schedual of sleeping, eating, and watching tv I am unable to update. There just isn't enough time. Imagine that? Well as you can probably gather, that's a lie. I am lazy. But this is my time to be lazy and I was just sick for the past week so pity me. In conclusion, nothing interesting is going on at this point. There is witty banter had between myself and others such as my dad, mom, brother, cousin pat, and friends. However, my memory just isn't what it used to be back when I was 18 and now that I'm pushing 20 I'm afraid I don't remember much of anything except the tv channels. A shame.

Otay I'm going to go put on some more weight. I can't wait to hit the gym when I get back....

That is also a lie. There is no such thing as the gym.

oh no they didn't!

Oh yes, they did. NBC I congradulate you on not only creating Average Joe, the reality show in which you TRICK attractive girls into thinking they are going on a show to meet hunky men only to disappoint them with ave looking guys. But oh no, what's this? At some point the girl might realize she is shallow and then has feelings for these men...but oh wait then they sneek on some hot looking guys and she chooses one of them proving that if you aren't hot you are not worth loving.

So after bringing forth so much joy and goodness into the world, they went and made Average Joe 2: Hawaii.
As if calling average Joe 2 wasn't enough. they had to add the punch of Hawaii. Was that really necessary? I mean cmon...you're not Baywatch.

I still don't know who's hotter. But its ok, I dont really feel the need to answer such a huge life question at this time.

Being sick is no fun. But me thinks I'm getting better. hor-ray!

In addition, yes, today was the day that my toe nail finally bid itself goodbye to my toe. Tis a shame, but this came about not from being hit again in some unfortunate accident. No no, twas me. I had decided the time had come. My toe looks nasty having half the nail but that's where my friend Mr. Bandaid comes in.

ok i'm hungie and thats something that shant be ignored.

While checking my email i noticed this little thing in the corner of the hotmail website that said, "Britney or J.Lo, who's hotter?"

I thought for a moment. I dont want to choose either of them bc i hate them both. This truely is a tough question for me. It's basically, "who do you hate less?" And I hate them equaly. As of yet I still have no answer....

I have a confession to make....

I don't wear flip flops in the shower. All the girls on my floor wear them, the bathroom is cleaned everyday, and I have yet to contract any foot disease. So I encourage you all to put your fears aside and shower the way you were meant to. Throw down your flip flops and be free.

Hey there blog. I hope you're not mad at me. I've been busy lately and havent been able to stop by. But I still consider you to be a really good friend.

OK stop.

While writing that last sentence and this one as well, my computer decides it wants to click the cursor over to somewhere else and I have to re-click the box. And ALSO sometimes it randomly makes me type in all caps and I'm totally not using Caps Lock. So I run a virus scan, and nothing. What is the deal? It's only when I access the internet.

Damn you Ithaca College and your crappy internet. It is rapidly becoming the bane of my existance....that and static.

i have work to do this week, but last week was so lacks that I dont want to do any of it. That and I have outlines for all the things I have to do so technically its already done. Motivation is a hard thing to find now a days

Oh well, at least I'm not Paris Hilton...

I had henna on my hands and arms in India and it stays on your skin for a pretty long time. The henna dyed my finger nails so they look this redish color and it doesnt come out. It has to grow out. The patterns are mostly gone from my arms and are faintly on my hands...but my fingertips are still a bit red. But to many it looks like I'm dirty or addicted to a narcotic substance like crack.

It's fun, I go to India and get stared at and then come back and get stared at.
I think a quick solution to this would be to paint my fingernails.

In other news:

I have recently discovered the WONDER that is Coffee Health Bar Crunch ice cream. My god, Ben and Jerry's what have you done?!

Back.

One of the greatest things I saw in India was when i went into a music store, a brand of them, and saw along with other bad american DVDs...the Jane Fonda work out video. Why India, why?

I started to film it but bc we were in a brand name chain, I was asked to stop. But it was filmed long enough to be on tape. HA HA!

India here I go!

I thought of my own Deep Thought the other day. (The original Deep Thoughts being from Jack Handey on SNL) It goes a little something like this...

I don't think it's ok to curse profusely in front of children, unless they are deaf.

What would we do without scotch tape?

Surely the stock for masking tape would increase, but no one would know anything beyond stickly beige adhesive for everything. Although, masking tape's rival would be duct tape. The almightly all purpose duct tape which would more than likely destroy several paint jobs when removed from the walls. So I guess people would opt for masking.

Thank God, we don't live in that world...

In other news...

I'm SO glad Meg and I kept our promise of going to the Gym at least 3 times a week. Because that has DEF happened and I DEF didnt feel like a fatty McGee today when I ran for about 45 seconds and almost had a heart attack.


NOTE: The above contains sarcasm.

Dear Ithaca Weather,

Calm down. You're going to hurt yourself with all this blowing around with the wind. Go back to the Indian Summer thing you were doing, that suits you MUCH better. Personally, this whole cold and windy thing, make you look fat.

Your friend,
Colleen Evanson

I have gotten some interesting feedback on the "snap" issue addressed in the last post that I'd like to share:


My Dad, Stevey-E says, "old school mentality (or insanity) argues that the proper opposite to snap would have to be, 'boing.' Another elastic sound but slowerand heavier."

Dave Syracuse writes, "mightn't the oppisite of 'snap' be 'pans'? It's snap backwards."

Dave then proceeded to show me the wonder that is this site (copy and paste it), perfect for when you want to procrastinate.
Just click on the horses and enjoy as the minutes fly by.

http://svt.se/hogafflahage/hogafflaHage_site/Kor/hestekor.swf

PS - Aunt Dot if you are reading this. The whole BRT RA Staff appreciates your cookies. They all dearly love you for it and were addicted to eating them claiming they were the best cookies ever. Mad props to you and your cookie making ability!

Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you, a late night conversation

Lactaid Lady: played by Me
EOR1313: played by Mary

EOR1313: damn it Colleen! now i have "your song" in my head
Lactaid Lady: snap
EOR1313: antisnap
EOR1313: [i felt like that needed a comeback, and really, what is a comeback to snap?]
Lactaid Lady: truely a statement to ponder about
EOR1313: i suppose i could have gone with unsnap
EOR1313: but that sort of sounds like i'm stripping
Lactaid Lady: but it does roll off the tongue a bit easier
EOR1313: yes, but it doesn't exactly have the comeback attitude
Lactaid Lady: not the same punch as Anti-snap
EOR1313: instead of "hey, check yourself before you wreck yourself," it's like "hi, let me undress for you"
Lactaid Lady: but that almost sounds political
Lactaid Lady: yes, I am anti-snap
EOR1313: i see your point
Lactaid Lady: so what else could be the arch nemi of snap?
EOR1313: hmm
EOR1313: snap back!
Lactaid Lady: mmmm...no, not so much, that sounds like 80s slang
Lactaid Lady: whats the opposite sound of snap?
EOR1313: i suppose one could always retort with "your mom"
Lactaid Lady: the perfect all purpose come back
Lactaid Lady: if we ever had to advertise phrases, that's what the slogan for it would be
EOR1313: true story

(Curtain)

Ok I got a bunch of stuff to discuss.

First, went to the doctors to finish up shots for India. Meg came with me, thank god otherwise I would have been a complete mess; one from the paperwork and two from the shots. I dislike getting them like many ppl, but I tense up and close my eyes and go "AHHH!" when they hurt. It's quite a sight to behold.

The malaria immunization is in the form of pills and I had two choices. I could take one each day but run the risk of an upset stomach and since my stomach already blows I went for the once a week dose. But ready for these side effects? Weird dreams OR halucinations! SCORE! When the dr said that I was close to saying to Meg, I'll be trippin' out of my mind, as if a hippy would say it. But I figured the DR might think I really did drugs and it would be awkward to explain that I only joke about it. She would never believe me.

Oh and BONUS....the Dr's name was Niziol, but pronounced Nizzle. How amazing is that?

That's all for now.

Last night I had some crazy dreams. Mostly because I had to direct a big project today for a major production class. It's basically a music video and I chose the song, Material Girl by the one and only Madonna. There is all this pre production work, like camera angles and lighting and all that jazz. I got everything done. But I was nervous about it b/c it was more difficult than things we had done before.

So I go to bed all anxious. And I had dreams of missing the class, which is at 8am. Then I'd dream about getting lost is some crazy office at the school and being late to class. Each time I would wake up and think, just think of something else, and as I'd begin to sleep the lines, "Living in a material world, and I am a material girl" would float into my head.

But the dream that takes the cake is the one where I was pregnant. Don't worry, it wasn't mine. I was a surrogate mother. And I had been pregnant for about a month or so. Now I know they say you cant really feel in dreams but my body felt diffferent, weighted down a little. My thoughts were, oh I forgot to tell my mom about this. Then I was worried that people in school would think I got knocked up and stare at me, meanwhile I was just doing something nice for someone.....When will people learn to understand. Best part is that I woke up and had to realize that I wasnt really pregnant.

Silly dream.

There is someone at my school who has the last name of Westerhorstmann. How unfortunate....

While eating our wonderful dining hall breakfast Mary and I looked back on our youth to the music. The times of Wilson Phillips, Milly Vanilly, early Janet Jackson, the New Kids on the Block Craze - which I just wasn't a part of for whatever reason, and Ace of Base. Songs like "100 Percent True Love," and "Boom Boom Boom, Let me hear you say WAY-Oh!"

WAY-OH!

It was then that Mary declared with a sigh, "Oh early ninty's, what a wealth of fabulous music"

I told myself that I would start my work for my Video Project. It's all in my head but it needs to be put on the page and I'm really tempted to just leave it to Sunday, but I'm going to be smart and break it in half to tomorrow doesnt suck.

Ok here I go!

2 Things from the day that make me say, "What?!"

1) It's raining out and whenever that happens the worms come out. They think they will drown so they seek shelter on the pavement where many people can smash them into pieces. But then again....they ARE worms. But still I attempt not to step on them. I dont want to have the guilt of being a worm murderer weighing me down.

2) In the dining hall there was a sign on some of the drink dispensers that said, "Out of Order, Thank You (smiley face)"
Ok. Thank You? Shouldnt that be, Sorry. Why are you thanking me? That phrase doesn't belong there. I'm thinking one of the dining hall employees wrote that, which assures them the right to work there.

Stressful, busy week. What else is new? So in sum here are some highlights:

1) Got a necklace for 50 cents at Wegmans (supermarket upstate) and it says "Diva" on it. Yes I wear it. How could I not?!

2) Saw a pigeon poop. He wasn't flying. Just walking along and did his thing.

3) Got three articles of clothing for FREE! Double score. No I didn't steal them. My boss, Meg, was giving them away.

4) I've been sneezing alot and its bc the right side of my nose is faulty or something. Either that or there is some sneezing device someone put up there. I blow my nose and all that jazz and nothing is there. It's prob an implant.

5) I have sugar cookies from Ms.Marie. Awesome. Big Ups on that. See, I dont like regular ol' Choco Chip Cookies, I likes ma sugar. And it's rare that I find them in many social gathering situation. But these babies are home made. And I can feel like my taste in cookies if fully valued and supported.

The End.

My floor bathroom smells like crap. And yeah you could say, "well it's a bathroom." But no this is too much. So much that the housekeeper and tried to cover it up with Lemon Pine Sol, or something to that effect, but it's not really working. I think it has to do with the leeky middle toilet, perhaps I should do something about that.

Long time back I stubbed my toe going up the stairs, during RA training. Perhaps some of ya'll remember. Well they told me it wouldn't fall off, Mary (other RA - Rowland represent!) said it would and she would know being a Bio major n such. I was determined to keep my toe nail, cuz a toe without a nail is just wrong. So I'd like to think it was my will power which helped it stay on for so long. When I got my shots for India (one month!) the nurse took a look and said I had a 50/50 chance of it falling off.

Listen up Toe Nail: I won't give up on you. You are staying put and that's that. So don't flake out. Thanks, bye
Love Always - Col

PS: I ate a stale bagel today which is unfortunate because it was from Friday and I wish I had the chance to eat it sooner. I'm sorry Mr. Bagel. Next time I promise.

Kick it!

STOP.
COLLABORATE.
AND LISTEN.
Ice is back with a brand new edition.

Oh Vanilla Ice. Such a shame.

Last night I watched one of the weirdest things I've ever seen on TV. Second to that man who had a tree branch up his ass is MTV's True Life series. This one was called, I have a phobia. It showcased 4 people; one afraid of cats, talking to girls, flying, and of course...midgets.

What?

You want to know her rational behind it. She said, "they could be anywhere and jump out and attach themselves to my leg or something."
I can't even tell you how many times midgets have just jumped from the bushes and grabbed my leg and held on for MILES.

Throughout the show I kept thinking..."Wow, I'm so lucky I'm not you."

I would just like to have it known that I just listened to Can't Touch This by MC Hammer in my room. There was many a head bobble.

I havent updated because I dont feel like I have anything interesting to report on. Things keep moving, my weeks are so packed that suddenly I'm like.."Holy crap! It's Wed, the week is half over."

I was leaving to go to class and one of my residents came out of her room with pig tales and a pink spandex jumper. It was like she was taken straight out of an 80s exercise video. I stopped short and actually said, "What the...?"

She told me it was exaggeration day in her class. She seemed embarrassed, and rightfully so...But I told her it was awesome.

My residents are really cool.

I hath recently discovered how odd my little toe is. Its trying to burrow under my other toe. I am a freak of nature....woe is me. It's like this little fetus.

I recently was struck down by an evil evil cold virus. I felt like crap for the past two days, I'm a bit better now, but that idea of writing when i couldnt even breath kinda stopped me. Sleep took the "update blog" time.

I found it rather amusing since my nose was so clogged its harder to breath and I didnt want to breath threw my mouth bc then my throat would get sore and dry...which it already was, so I attempted to just breath threw the one side of my nose that wasn't clogged and I would get so fatigued. I felt like a fat kid trying to get up a flight of stairs...only it wasn't a flight but rather 4/5 stairs. How sad is that?

Ok I must away...with lots of tissues. Yay goobers!

I went to 80s night at the Haunt last night. Oh wow. Ain't nothing like shaking it to Billy Jean.

Also...If i were in charge, I'd call blueberries purpleberries, because after all....they ARE purple. A dark purple, but purple none the less.

Updates are few and far between. Of this I am aware. Fix this I must, but time to do it I have not.

Ok enough Yoda talk. Yesterday had the first taping for Backstage....my college TV show I'm producing this year. OMG it was INSANE. We get into the studio at 8:45pm, we have the studio until 11pm. We were going to tape it at 10pm. But no...the still store (which is like the litte box thing next to the reporters in the news) was taking FOREVER cuz there were so many. So after about 32 of them, I said screw it, we dont have time. We didnt get to do a complete run through of the show. It was 10:25, we pushed back taping til 10:30pm. I wasnt sure if we'd have enough time to get out of the studio by 11, if we didnt I would be in trouble. The show is a half hour long. We just went for it.

And it was amazing. There was such a high probability of disaster and it went swimmingly. My talent rocks the house, writing was great. Still stores worked.

I was so stressed and so in shock that we pulled it off that I almost went into shock. I couldnt believe I pulled it off. Oh boy. Producin' be crazy. Then after been exhausted...I couldnt go to bed. I kept thinking about the show, what to improve. My brain wouldnt shut down. Really annoying.

But I am very happy. Anyone from Ithaca College reads this, we are airing the show tonight, 6:30pm on Channel 16. watch it, it's good stuff.

over and out

YIKES!!! Never had I ever imagined such a situation would occur in my life. As some may know I have an away message which makes reference to my lactose intolerance and the way it transformed me into a superhero. Because of what happened I dont want to name myself because this guy might find it somewhere.

Confused?

Ok here it is. I'm minding my own business at 130am and I get this IM from Tigerbiker922. He is doing this role playing thing where he is a superhero known as Wonderboy. He tells me his story. We are joking around like friends. I figure it's someone from school got my SN and is messing with me. OH no, its a 39 year old man who gave me a description of himself and then proceeded to ask me my age...this is a little portion of it:

Lactaid Lady: 19
Tigerbiker922: college student?
Lactaid Lady: yep
Tigerbiker922: wanna trade pics just for fun?

Now up til that point I thought, ok he's 39 maybe he's cool, maybe he's still living in my parents houseing surfing the next night and day to seek human contact through computers. Maybe he's not a HUGE nerd.

Nope. He was, and he was also creepy. Yaye for me. I'm SO glad I got hit by the world's finest.

For the second installment of the Theatre Teacher Cronicals...

He dressed up as a pimp in a leapard print robe with shimmering red around the cuffs and along the bottom. As if that weren't enough, a wig also got involved along with a witch hat.

Quotes:

"Cursed, spoiled again!"
"'F' this, 'F' that."

Note: some of these are out of context. And he didnt drop the F-bomb, just used the letter.

I finally got my media book today that cost a pretty penny. So now I must put it to use.
If you are looking for an interesting thing to do, I suggest looking up Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts. Here are some I heard recently:

Consider the dandelion, while you do that I'll be over here going through ALL your stuff.

The earliest fly swatter was probably a flat surface with a long stick attached to it.


That's all I remember. Do the rest on your own.

Today in Intro to Theatre....my STUNNING hour 15 min lecture class with 300 ppl...I decided to make use of my time by writing a few comments down about my teacher. To Preface...He is young and new at this. He often makes jokes that arent funny which after the moment of silence he follows with a nervous, "So anyway," or "Eh Whatever."
I did my evaluation is elementary school teacher style.

Comments: Jim often strays away from the topic with stories of himself. Must learn to stay on task. He has an hour and 15 mins and we only get to HW question 2 out of 5.
Bravo.

In addition there are some fun quotes:

"I can touch you. I can sit on someone's lap. I can do anything"
"I can't fart on cue"
"Danish castles are dangerous places."

Thank you and good night!

I have a relatively new pair of pants and the fly is constantly a little down. It's really annoying. I have to keep zipping it back while its halfway down because if I ignore it for too long it will go all the way down. However, the material covering the fly works as such that it is hard to see that its down. So to some, it will look like I am constantly touching my crotch. And to that I say, Excellent.

what up G's? Aint nothing new going on 'round hea. Sorry for lack of updates, I know how it may trouble you so. But alas, I am at a loss as to what to write. I am staying busy with school, working, and the like. I love that phrase..."and the like" Who came up with that? I'd like to meet them and say "hey, thats a stupid phrase, you are the last person who should be thinking up saying. Have you done any other work or are you a one hit wonder." I hope he/she doesnt read this site and start to cry.

Read this, it will make you happy.

http://www.february-7.com/features/conan.htm

I read a story today that went like this...

There once was a boy named Internet and one day he got lost and NEVER came back.

Well HOLD THE PRESSES cuz he's back in town!

In other news, while waking up this morning I was perplexed as to how deaf people wake up. Seriously, they can't hear the alarm. Does their bed shake? Does someone have to come and wake them up? Anyone know?

ok i'm gonna hang out with ma friend Internet.

Ok so here is the deal. Ithaca College has no internet right now bc of this thing known as the Blaster virus. I'm only able to access it since I am an RA and can use the official offices with compooders in it. So it might be awhile before I can really update. Its all busy-like now that the residents moved it. but at least I can walk without a limp. Toe is A-OK.

I'm hungry...it seems the cheerios I ate an hour ago will not surfice for the night.
DRAT!

Oh and David Sedaris is coming to Ithaca soon. How amazing?! He's a writer and his sister did that show Strangers with Candy. I am so excited that I could see him perform some readings from his book. Rock!

Warning! Since my injury of last week there has been many more instances. This raises concerns and talks of a curse. Could it be that just my toe being injured somehow off set the world's rotation causing people to walk into things? It's a big possibility. Since my injury, a fellow staff member hit her foot and bruised it. My ENTIRE immediate family has hit their toe. Another RA dropped a bottle on his, and Yvone hit hers as well. Now either this is some weird phenomenon OR everyone things it's "hip" to injury the toe region.

If that is the case. Tisk tisk America...and the World. POSERS! Get your own way to hurt yourself.

I'm so graceful it hurts.

Literally. Because I have mastered the skill of walking up stairs SO Well I am capable of stubbing my big toe so badly it bleeds, oozes white blood cells, hurts like a bitch enough for me to leave RA training go to the Health Center and have the Doctor tell me that there is blood under my nail that is causing pressure and lots of pain. Only I can have a lame store of falling UP the stairs, busting my toe, have it NOT be broken but get the most pain I could from something that in the long run wont cause future hospital visits.

GO ME!

Oh no....I did it again. Allow me to explain. I picked a theme for my door tags today to be Saved by the Bell because honestly, Who didnt love that show? I can't go wrong. So I decide, 'hey I'll hop online and see if I can find some pictures of the cast.' Head to google and there is this quiz to tell you which character you would be. I take it. And what does Colleen get?

A.C. Slater...a MAN! A JOCK! This definately doesnt help my lesbian complex

I had to pack to go back to college. It's for RA training so they snatch 2 weeks of summer for that. And this time I got lost. Went with Merry and we had no problem, but that was bc there wasnt insane traffic on the LIE and the Cross Island had an exit sign. So then I turned around and took it South figuring it would be ok since I was going the other way. Nope. I then took it north, didnt see signs for the Trogs Neck, so I went south again. Then, I dont even know how, I was at JFK in the cargo area or something. I was on the verge of freaking out hardcore after I couldnt find my mom's cell phone that she gave me in case such a situation should arrive.
So I asked ppl at the terminal how to get there, and BAM then in was easy as pie.

We get to name our vacuume. Naturally calling it Your Mom would be hilarious but some might take offense. As such, Herbert is a very big possibility.

On a "What the Hell?!" note: I still can't access my ithaca mail account on my computer, so Dana I feel your pain. I can go on other computer and it works but mine doesnt want me to check my mail. Maybe I got a bad email that might hurt my feelings so this fine machine is trying to save me from emotional turmoil.
Yo no se.*

*Spanish, Transation: I don't know.

See you learn something everyday.

This evening I had some people come over to the house I'm watching and when my one friend arrived he said he had to poop. I showed him the bathroom and his name shall be stricken from the record in case Dave is ashamed of his work. Ooops. I slipped. So later on in the night after they left I noticed there was this sound of running water. I investigated, and it took me until I came to check my email for me to realize it was coming from the bathroom. The VERY same bathroom you know who used.

As such, I went inside and noticed the toilet seemed to be having some trouble. I opened the top, and lo and behold, the water that is usually inside twas no where to be found. I thought, oh no Dave clogged it. Followed shortly by, Will I have to unclog it. Then concluded with, Hell no I'm not, he can come here and do it.

I then left the room, going to get a glass of water to help refill the inside with that chain and pump thing, thinking well at least this way it could actually flush. Then the sound stops. It's truely a christmas miracle! All the toilet needed was somebody to listen and care for it.

Can I get an Amen!?

Hey kids! I am currently house sitting and on the flipside working. ITs crazy yo. The house is really nice and they keep telling me to have ppl over and go in the pool so how could i refuse them? Only thing is the weather isnt so nice.

In other news:
I gotta put gas in my car but I am not familiar with this area so I dont know where to get a good deal. There is a station by my house that I go to all the time. I hate going to new gas stations because I dont know where the self serve is and its a tiny area to move around in so its a hassle to turn around especially if its crowded...which could be only 3 cars. Then the pumps could be different. I went to this one and I didnt realize I had to lift the nossel holder thing up, so I'm standing there going, what the hell? And I dont want some weird gas station guy to come over and be like...oh this girl doesnt know what she's doing. I want to be a self sufficient woman...of the future!

My other fear includes going into an elevator for several floors. The reason why is because, what if it breaks and then I have to pee. Then I'm stuck in this tiny box with other people and I cant go in front of them and even if there wasnt anyone else, you pee on the floor and you will see it and smell it. This is a constant reminder of what you did. Then someone gets you out and they will be like...ok you wizzed on the floor? Gross. Then its in the papers and no one talks to me cuz they think I'll pee in their elevator.
But I take the risk anyway cuz I dont want to walk up 20 floors. Then I'd be all sweaty by the time I got to where I needed to be.

What a dilema?

Once again I found myself in front of a tv. Imagine that? And MTV has this basketball show and this white guy is on it and his name is White Chocolate. And I thought....'how unoriginal. There was nothing else he could think of?' There are no good names for white ppl doing things that are considered to be "black," people dont want to work that hard anymore to get something new. Then I thought..."hmm what would my name be?"

BAM

It hit me. Chalk. My name would be Chalk. Rapper/bball player...or better yet playa.
Word
Chalk in da hizzzzzouse! Gonna write all up in your FACE!

Awhile ago my mom asked me, "You know what would be a good name for a dog?"
I sat on the couch waiting to hear the answer.
"Booger"
Then she laughed and we started to call to an invisible dog named booger for the next 5 minutes.

Yvone: Feel free to bother me once you get to ithaca.

When I dont post, I dont do it to upset the people, I do it because I have nothing to comment on. And then, BOOM today, I get myself some material by just looking outside. Allow me to explain...

I'm sure the people up the block had nothing but good intentions when they bought their two children bikes to ride on. They thought it would be constant smiles and screams of happiness would come out of their mouths from the hair whipping their faces as they went down a hill. Well, today, not so much. I finished my shower and was getting dressed in my room upstairs when I heard screams of temper tandrum. I hear, "Get away from me!" So naturally I look out the window. There on the street a child in over the shoulder of his dad. The dad wasnt trying to fight back or reason with him. He was just carrying him as he screamed "HELP!" "MOMMY!" and "NO!!!"
Now at first I thought....hmmm maybe this is a kidnapper who doesnt care if he gets caught since he lets the kid scream. Maybe he wants us to think he's the dad. But then behind them was the mom with the other kid, riding slowly behind, trying to avoid the danger of the little boy. Either way it was bad news. You either got screaming kid, angry/frustrated parent. Or kidnaps and the lady was just helping out.

Oh the wonder of children.

I saw this candy bar or something today on tv, what it was isnt really important. The part that I am concerned with is that they said it was Beyond Crunchy. Now, how can it be beyond crunchy? What happens there? It's not crunchy anymore once it reaches beyond the crunchy point. Then it's like impossible to eat, like a big brick of .....chewiness. I picture it being a huge block of taffy or carmel that almost breaks your teeth when you try to get a chunk out and then sticks in your teeth and you chew it for 10 mins before swollowing. So count me out of this trip to going BEYOND the Crunch.

Letterman is great. For the second time ever they played a game called Millionaire of Kenny. The premise is that this guy stands there and he is either a millionaire or a guy named kenny. So he comes out with his nice yellow golf shirt tucked into his kahki pants. He didnt look like a Kenny. And I was right. He was a millionaire.

Recently I got a pair of shorts from Delia's in the Tanger outlet. They were only 7 bucks. Not too shabby. But as of late I have discovered that they have a faulty fly. A shame. I go zip down the fly when I gots ta pee and lo and behold they are already down. Oh well. You cant beat 7 bucks. I'll take the faulty fly any day.

Lastly, I asked my mom this question: If you were in a car stuck in traffic and you really had to pee, what would you do? What would you pee in?

She answered: a coffee cup, I then told her NO there are no cups. So she thought awhile and thought out loud, hmm what would i pee in....
The coin holder.

Me, I'd do the same OR take out an old rag from the truck and pee on that.

How about you?

I saw Urinetown the musical today. It was awesome. And on the way there Liz got a little sick and threw up something that was hunter green. So on the way back we tried to figure out what it was. I asked if she had any gumdrops or jujubees. She said no. We concluded it must have been bile. I told her that was gross. ANd that it prob ate away at her mouth and she would prob die. I think its possible. And I should know, I am a doctor.

Hmm what else? I had a hot dog and it was awesome. Then about 15 mins later I wanted another so I said, I'll tell you whut I want a hot dog. Saying whut in place of what tis a huge amout o fun. I suggest it to all. Doctor's orders.

I am Biz-ack from the bizeach hizzy. For shizzle. Yep.

Dude, I totally went without internet for 5 days. Crazy, yo. OMG to the max!
Ok enough with teeny bopper talk. But serious. It's kinda crazy to think that I was having internet withdrawls. What do they put in this stuff? And I also watched a tv that had about 5 channels, one of which was the home shopping channel, so right away you are like...what a waste. So that only really makes it 4 channels. AND get this....sometimes the signal was fuzzy. There was fuzz! Can you believe it? Incredible that I am still alive. I dont know how I did it. But I'll tell you what I did do...Got some sun burn and did the Cryptaquote in Newsday, its over by the games and comics. I suggest everyone check it out. It's good for your brain.

Yeah, I'm a nerd.

The following post goes out to Yvone, my asian lovah! Well...she's not my lover, yet.
HEY-O! You know in order for people not to think i am a lesbian i should stop saying things like that. But its true. I would be gay for Yvone, and I mean that in a totally heterosexual way.

The reason the posts have fallen behind is that I went road trippin' to Ithaca. Yeah baby. 7 hours going there, but Merry pointed out the name Von Cornhole spray painted on a tunnel near the city which provided us to ask Who is this Von? And what does he do? Then we hung with Suds. I spent about 100 bucks in 2 days. Watched movies, talked til 3am, saw my ticket to india. Ate indian food and thai food and soda and sweet popcorn. Then drove home 5 and a half back. Not too shabby. Had the windows down, going 70, and singing to music. I love doing that.

Quote from the trip! OMG!
From: Suds
Why he say dat?: We were watching Monsoon Wedding, very good movie find it and watch it. It's about an Indian Wedding and since I am going to see one it was very interesting. So afterwards Suds is telling Merry and I how people will be dancing and I thought...I hope I dont offend anyone with my "american" dance moves. There is one move in which you pretend to be slapping someone, the kids know what i'm talking about. And I asked about that move. Suds said:

They wont even know that you're slapping the bitches.

Priceless. I plan on video taping everything. Including the bitch slapping. A whole montage of it!

Thus concludes my update. Questions, comments, email me...or SHOVE IT!
If for the rest of the week there is a lack of updates it is because Colleen will be out east at the beach house with the fam. I shall be back by Friday. Dont fret.

bye

Dear Diary,

Today I called my mom a crazy ho.

Last night I killed AT LEAST 5 mosquitos....with my bare hands.
Call me the ASSASSinator.
Killing's the game.
Mosquitos suck.
Suck your blood.
And I kill them.
As my revenge.
I think that this is too long.
Too many sentences after another.
Now it's being forced.
And I feel awkward.
Like a convo that should end.
But doesnt.
So you wanna get a cup of coffee?
Yeah, me neither.
Dont like coffee much.
I gotta go.

When I was little I had a speak and spell. You could type in a word and it would say it. Naturally we tried to get it to say things like Ass or Sh*t, but failed. It seemed to be one step ahead of us. However, there was one word which worked in every day speech that provided us with amusement for hours. One Word....BUT
And when I typed in BUTT, it would double up on the T sound.
Thank you Speak and Spell.

This is in my profile but I find it rather amusing so since I am too lazy to think of my own witty or seemingly "funny" thing to say I will have someone else do the work for me. But I can't be busted for plagerizing since I will use quotes. Ha-HA! You lose, anal retentive english teacher. (that's assuming I didnt misspell anything....which i doubt.)

"Let me tell you doing nothing is not as easy as it looks. You have to be careful. Because the idea of doing anything, which could easily lead to doing something, that would cut into your nothing...and that would force me to have to drop everything."
-Jerry Seinfeld

I fordot about this. Enjoy!

GDspunkyduck: so yesterday my neighbor comes over and wanted me to teach her how to use her new digital camera binoculars
Lactaid Lady: since you are an expert
GDspunkyduck: she is gonna like spy on them for god knows what
GDspunkyduck: well she slike pushing 65
GDspunkyduck: and has no idea
Lactaid Lady: lol
GDspunkyduck: so i like read the directions to her slowly
Lactaid Lady: what a scene
GDspunkyduck: yea the best scene is her in her dark house watching this poor innocent family
Lactaid Lady: lol
Lactaid Lady: crazy old bitch
GDspunkyduck: well i have to watch out cause her bedroom window looks into mine
GDspunkyduck: she might be a crazy old bitch watching me undress now

Yesterday my friends and I set off illegal contraband in the front yard. It was as if we were taunting the po-po to come and get us. And they failed miserably. It was rather amusing when we couldnt figure out why the jumping firecrackers didnt go. Then we read the instructions and removed the wrapper and BEHOLD the fuse in all its glory. We lit it and ba boom, one of them made a bee-line towards me and liz. Thing went crazy. Had to put him down after that. Got the rabies.
I had rabies once. Foamin' and such all over. It was messy. And occassionally I would kill someone and infect them, no big whoop. I got a shot and everything was O-Tay.

I ate a waffle today.

goodbye.

Today I saw the trailer for the Ben and J-Lo movie they did together. Cuz they need more money.

How this came to be: (my theory)

Ben: Hey J-Lo, wanna make a movie together?
J-Lo: Aw, what a great idea. What kinda movie you thinking of?
Ben: A romantic comedy.
J-Lo: I want to play the girl.
Ben: oh you are so funny, thats what we need. We will be funny and I will love to do that! Get it, the love relates to it being romantic and us being funny is like...
J-Lo: yeah i get it. Now lets go buy more things that are really expensive.
Ben: OK

The end.

Ok check this out. I was just watching this Emergency Trauma show on TLC. God bless The Learning Channel and the wonderous shows that grace the screen. What was on today? Well they go from case to case and its all ER style with the guy yelling in pain and a swarm of doctors all around. Then lo an behold we discover this here guy has a branch up his ass. I kid you not. They had X rays and everything. He was working some contruction job, fell off the ladder, and landed in on a tree....which then got better acquainted with him.

Now as if that alone isnt bad enough. Those TV Networks get involved and they get to capture it all on film. Yaye! This way people like me get to watch. This must be a great moment for him. Congrats guy with tree branch in his bum. Congrats.

I'm house sitting this weekend. This post is not being written in my house. That is interesting huh? Ok whatever. Maybe I wont post at all.

Ahh who am i kidding? WIth a face like that...how could i not?
So this Pop up add comes up and it says that I can get a FREE NINJA SCANNING CAMERA MOUNT! Now I think ok. What the hell is that? I've heard of cameras, and that you can scan them. I know what a ninja is. But all those things put together to make this new mount. I dont trust it.
Honestly, I think they are just exploiting the word Ninja cuz they know its cool.

So....I'm going to India for thanksgiving break.
Jealous?!

I just finished HP5. Wow man. Craziness. And 6 comes out in 2 years.

When I was reading the other night I left an away message that mentioned I was reading HP5 and my friend from college, Gina, left a message for me. She said that when she read page 634 she thought of me.
I got to 634 yesterday. And laughed. I shall show you what it was....

A Sample of HP - Don't worry it doesnt give away anything....

"Harry could still hear the distant bangs of escaped firecrackers when he and Ron went to bed an hour later, and as he got undressed a sparkler floated past the tower, still resolutely spelling out the word POO."

Awesome. Simply amazing. Harry Potter and Poo. What could be greater? Perhaps golf with the gator? (chorus chimes in) Gator Golf!

(that was an obscure reference to a commerical we all saw as kids. Don't repress your childhood. Think back to Nickolodeon!)

And now I present...Masterpiece Theatre!

Lactaid Lady: i laid out
Cookies4Grandma: really?
Lactaid Lady: for 2 hours
Lactaid Lady: reading
Cookies4Grandma: tan?
Lactaid Lady: little bit
Cookies4Grandma: nice
Lactaid Lady: but i dont think you can really tell...
Cookies4Grandma: lol thus is the curse of the irish
Lactaid Lady: luck my ass

posts will probably take awhile as Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix has taken up lots of my potential online time. I am sorry. But I must read. I must be a nerd. And so the book becons me.

Oh and note: I am a slow reader. This book is 870 pages. You do the math.

I apologize for leaving the last post in inside joke form but I think it also got you all to truely think about those words. How are we holes with water? What does that mean? Is it the void to fill the emptiness of our souls?

Almost

We were actually just talking about pools and how they are just holes with water in them. See? Its rather simple. There is no connection. So knock it off and leave me alone already. I know you are calling me.

Today I learned something profound about life. Well, its more of a phrase that Merry and Liz and me came up with. It goes a bit like this

(giving you time to get a pen to write this down)


"You know, we're all just big holes with water in them."

Suck on that!

I dont think my skin likes to be anything but extremely white. Perhaps I'm a bit albino. I honestly dont think I've had a tan in about 2 years. Now I know I'm not really one to show some skin and have it be all perdy and tan like the magazines want me to...BUT when I did sports that forced me outside for a prolonged period of time and thus I was exposed to the sun and my pigment began to darken.
I refuse to buy fake tanner and to go into a tanning booth. So I lay outside on the lawn for an hour or so. But NO! nothing. I think the sun is mad at me. And if it's because I didnt RSVP to his party and he had to pay for me thinking maybe I would show up to the buffett. Well maybe he should think about the smack he was saying about me. I mean honestly, do I look like someone who would murder someone in cold blood, throw the body into an old car, and roll it into a lake?
Cmon burning is so much easier and leaves behind little evidence, they gotta go through dental records to ID the body. PPSHH! The sun doesnt know what he's talking about.

...into a lake.
please

Today Liz introduced me to I Love the 80s which plays on VH-1. Wow. Quality. At one point they were discussing the Terminator movie. They bring up topics and then assorted people from tv like comedians make comments. One woman said 'originally they thought of casting O.J. Simpson as the Terminator but they thought he was too nice....huh'

He is so nice that he even killed his wife!

Last night I hear this noise and its a type of heavy breathing. I figure it was my dad snoring at first cuz he snores loud at times. But the sound was too close. I look toward the end of my bed and there is my cat. She was freaking snoring. What is that? I think I'll open up a ride or display.

Come see LUCKY the AMAZING SNORING CAT!

I'm unsure of the cover charge but the hot dogs will be ridiculously over priced.

I'm watching tv and this commercial comes on Ultimate Kenny G.
I guess his sales arent doing so good so he needs to go out and promote it. You can check out the website to see is this truely is the ULTIMATE in Kenny G. www.ultimatekennyg.com

Best part was him walking on the beach, the sun and wind blowing his curls, and his clarinet over his shoulder.
I GOT to see him in concert. I bet he rocks so hard.

Today I bought two shirts from American Eagle. 18 bucks total. One says China and the other says California. The Cali one is so comfy. I love it. And the China one...hello! China! and it has a panda bear. You cant beat that.

Late at night I turn on Channel 41 and lo and behold American Gladiators was on. Oh my gasp! So I'm all watching it and talking to Liz when I asked what her gladiator name would be, because as soon as I saw Laser getting ready for the Joust and his name sparkling on his elastic suit I wanted to know what I would call myself.
My conclusion...
THE JUICE

when I get angry I'd be like...You Spilled THE JUICE!
and then when i beat them I'm like....OOOH DRINK YOUR JUICE!

and i could endorse several refreshing beverages.
then THE JUICE could get a sweet ass house and it would be on Cribs.

I saw Conan O'Brien today
JEALOUS?!

You should be. Check it out tonight Friday June 6th, or Comedy Central Monday when they re-run it at 7. I am the person who yells "I Love You!" near the end of the monologue. Also I got Seth Green to wave at me while we breaked for a commercial AND when he mentions Dr.Phil in the interview I said "YES!" a lot louder than I thought, everyone else was silent. I expected people to give it up for the Dr.Phil mention but no. I did actively contribute to the WOO!'s YEAH's and OWW's. So listen up!

This is for Yvone.

I was telling a friend of mine, Jess Rouge, about you. That you were Korean and from Brazil. She thought I called you Bonnie. And from that a sitcom was born in which the whole premise is that you are BONNIE (cartoon letters) and you are Korean and from Brazil but you find yourself in crazy situation in the US. Oh that Bonnie.

In other news yesterday was really nice, I worked, came home, watched tv, played soccer with my dog, played tennis with my dad, ate, talked with Jess. I feel so productive! It was nice and I ACTUALLY went outside. But I didnt get a tan cuz I am irish, english, and german so I have a zero percent chance of that happening. But I am ok with that. For I shall never die from skin cancer. Take THAT tan people! I will live longer than you!
Well...unless I get hit by a bus, or you have like anti-cancer skin.

Word of the day looked up randomly: Nonperson
meaning: unperson, a person having no social or legal status.
My clone is an unperson and shall never vote.

I got home today and very random conversational my dad says the following:

At dinner mom said she could hear the cat peeing in the liter box.

Later:

(While walking the dog) Parker took a dumb on a newspaper.

Right after I heard this I went straight here and wrote it down. Nothing but the best.

As for the last post, I was later informed that it wasnt an apricott, but a tangerine. But I bet apricotts have bums too.

today I ate an apricott and I have to let everyone know that parts of that fruit look like a butt. There is an area where the two sides of the fruit collide and form an ass. And I know you could say, Hey its round, how are there two sides?
Don't question me. Just see for yourself. Head over to your local grocery store and find the apricotts and look at their bums.

Also: it was kind of weird to eat the butt. Tastey...but weird.

106.1 WBLI is the most annoying radio station on long island. This is why:

They claim to be the most listened to radio station, but thats because it comes in EVERYWHERE so you are forced to listen to it.
They play the same songs over and over again
I have heard 50 Cent 6 times in 5 hours (while at work)
Yesterday after they played Busta Rhymes I said the next song will be 50 Cent of Avril Lavine. What came on next? Avril. I felt like a King.
They suck

I think that about sums it up. The people of LI need to come together, pool about 5 bucks each, we'll start our own station that has VARIETY and then rock out to the beats.

Send your cash/checks/money order/traveler's checks to me.

For all those who have seen the T3 trailer (Terminator 3), what is Clair Danes character? I think she plays the girl who screams, runs away, gets herself in a pickle, and looks hot.

Such depth....

proof that it is summer

While reading another blog spot I looked at the top to see the day it was entered, Thurs. May 22. I looked at my watch, which has the date and said, "wow, it's thursday?!"

Evidence that I am already losing track of time.

Behold, one of our games has been christened today:

BlackHwk10: I broke my tv
Lactaid Lady: oh thats horrible
Lactaid Lady: you could play Howd it Break
BlackHwk10: hehe.......how do you play?
Lactaid Lady: well you have something thats broken
Lactaid Lady: so i have to guess how it was broken
BlackHwk10: ah
BlackHwk10: ok
Lactaid Lady: did it fall?
BlackHwk10: nope
Lactaid Lady: is it really old
BlackHwk10: nope
Lactaid Lady: did you punch it
BlackHwk10: ill give you a hint........I broke it
BlackHwk10: nope didnt punch it
Lactaid Lady: threw something at it
BlackHwk10: nope
Lactaid Lady: hmmm
BlackHwk10: out of guesses?
Lactaid Lady: no just pondering
BlackHwk10: pondering the dubiousness of our existence
Lactaid Lady: indeed
Lactaid Lady: spill something on it?
BlackHwk10: nope
BlackHwk10: need another hint?
Lactaid Lady: yeah
BlackHwk10: i was moving it when it happend
BlackHwk10: so i was carrying it
BlackHwk10: i didnt drop it though
Lactaid Lady: hit it too hard
BlackHwk10: nope
BlackHwk10: its gonna be really hard to guess it
Lactaid Lady: you stepped on the cord and tripped
BlackHwk10: nope
BlackHwk10: new hint
Lactaid Lady: yeah
BlackHwk10: it was still plugged in
Lactaid Lady: you pulled the cord out, the part that goes into the tv
BlackHwk10: ding ding ding!!!!
Lactaid Lady: YES!
Lactaid Lady: I won!

And thats how we play How'd It Break?

Yesterday at work (Ralph's Famous Italian Ices) many people wanted Banana Fudge. This ice is a cream ice, which means there is some milk in it. (The milk reference has nothing to do with me being lactose intolerant in case you thought it attacked me or something). And there is fudge in it,hence the name, as such when i go to scoop it I get some on my arm because some of the fudge is alone the wall of the container. Hence, I had fudge on my arm. Pat, my boss, suggested we have Arm Fudge as a flavor. I then tired to think of what arm would taste like. I settled with Pork.

Pork and Fudge. I smell a hit!

Sorry for delay. Travel and being home take up time and unfortunately, blog, we just can't hang out like we used too. Don't worry I'll take you out for ice cream later.

In other words, I think the weather has amnesia. It doesnt remember that it's supposed to be nice outside and not cold or rainy. Poor ol' weather hasn't been herself. Fell down and hit her head on a rock, she did. Now she done fordot all 'bout herself. Shame, aint it?
(spits tabacci into the dirt)

And now, A Haiku

Oh, Miso Tired
The feet did too much today
I will eat dinner.

It's almost time to go home and I refuse to really think about it, because when I do it makes me sad to leave all the great people here. I want to keep my summer busy and start off running. Speaking of running, guess who hasn't been to the gym? Yeah it's me. But I'll play tennis tomorrow so that should make up for it.

Now for the fun. Yesterday I exposed Jess to late night television. And I realized how random Letterman is, and how great it is to see it on tv. I want to work for him.
So he plays these games like 'Is This Anything,' 'What's Your Problem,' 'Will it Float.' And so Jess thought about others that could be in the genre. The Gems include:

Guess My Injury
What's in my pocket
What's that machine
How'd it Break - my fave
Can you believe it
Hi or Bye (a person waves and you figure out if it's Hi or Bye)
Is that fun
Would you touch that

And I have a show next year that you get sponsor for stuff like food. Well Jess wants to make a Random Club where people get together and do random things like watch squirrels, talk to ducks, throw pudding, sharpen pencils etc. We pick the activity at random from a hat. But not everything is fun, sometimes you gotta do stuff like clean toilets, or take a math test. So I think to help promote the club I'll have them sponsor the show so we can play these games listed above. It's going to be awesome.

Kim say: You smell like old cheese and dirty apple.

Funny little fact AJ is running for Secretary...NOT VP. Hence, speech shall be interesting.

Walking into Abbys room I realize that I have the same fan she does. I tell her. She says, "Wow..we're like the same person." Only she said it rather dry. I think she was being sarcastic. Oh that Abby!

You know what's a great feeling. Selling back your books to the bookstore for money and getting 50 cents for a book you paid 13 bucks on.
Priceless.

So yeah I haven't gone 24 hours without seeing X2 since it came out. I spent a total of 20 bucks. I'm helping fill in the quota. I will prob see it again, but I need a little break. I spend about 3 hours online yesterday looking up the history of the comics and the character stuff. Yes, I am a dork. It's my new obsession.

Hmmm whatever shall I write? Well last night I wrote a speech for AJ - he is running for Vice President next year. Not for the United States, but for Sachem High School. Last year I wrote his and he won. The secret is to write about stuff totally unrelated to the election. Don't talk about what you have done, what you plan on doing. Talk about random things. People like to be entertained. Razzle dazzle 'em, and they'll make you a star.

So here it is:
Vice President.
Some are unaware what that phrase even means. Let’s begin the educational process.

Vice
Vice rhymes with Dice (slicin’ and dicin’), Rice (a delicious food and good source of protein), Nice (a characteristic), Lice (a parasite), and Ice (a form of water).

Water
Has the ability to quench thirst.
Scene:
Harry: Boy, am I thirsty.
Sara: Let’s drink water.
Harry: What a swell idea.
End Scene

In addition water takes on different forms such as Lakes, Rivers (Rio in espanol), Ocean, Puddle from rain.
Rain – form of precipitation from the atmosphere.
There is a 70% chance of rain tomorrow, shattered showers throughout the day, low of 60. Winds NNW.

Moving on to President. Let’s break this three syllable word up. Pres-i-dent.
Pres
Presents. Gifts. Birthdays. Holidays. Happiness. Cake.
Yum…cake.

I – me, myself.
Used in a sentence – I am AJ.
Spoken in the first person allows the reader/listener to connect on a personal level.

You – Second person. Often times used to project a feeling onto the person.
You should wear pants.

Third person: He/She gives a distant feeling
Ex. Sally ate an apple.
That’s all we know about Sally. She ate an apple. Does she like apples? Who knows.

Now to the last part of the word: Dent
Dent (noun) a slight hollow made in a surface by a blow.
If you make a strong guy angry he will dent your face in.
I say No to Fighting.
But I say Yes to Vice. Yes to Presidents. Yes to Vice’s of Presidents. Yes to you. Yes to Me. Yes (dramatic pause) To AJ.
Thank You.

I saw X-Men 2 this afternoon. Oh boy, I'll be seeing that again. Afterwards we had to take a bus back to town and we wasted time by figuring out what our mutant powers would be. Except you had five seconds to think of it so it would be something pretty stupid; no flying or invisibility. I immediately thought of Gas because I am always burpin' n such. So I throw my burps and they can capture bad guys for a certain amount of time depending on the burp power. Also inside the bubble it smells like whatever I just ate and if its powerful enough they pass out. Plus, I can go inside my own burp bubbles and it will protect me. However, no gassy food or someone slips me some Bean-o and I aint got no pow-ah.
I am really excited about this actually and I hope somehow I get this power. However, since I am not a mutant yet, I think it can happen in my dreams.

It's SO nice outside today. And where am I? Inside my room, looking out the window and wishing I was just laying on the grass outside. Only my building in on the roof of the dining hall so I couldnt lay on grass, I'd lay on rocks. Walking to the grass involves...well, walking. So I stay indoor like a good irish person. No sunburn for me. Yay for no skin cancer!

There were two things I was going to write about, but I can only remember one. And of course it has to do with poop. However, this time I wasnt talking I over heard it.
I'm in my storytelling class when this kid says, "Why do people say 'Taking a shower or taking a sh*t? You don't take anything. You leave it. It should be that you are leaving a sh*t." Well put.

Today on the way to lunch Dana and I thought that since this college cost mucho dinero ($) to go here that they need to give us a perk. Dana suggested a magic flying carpet. I agreed excitedly. I think it would be perfect. She then said or a monkey. Now here is the problem, you would prob have to feed the monkey, it could throw poop at you, what if they gave you a big gorilla instead of a cute little one? There is far more room to be disappointed with a monkey. And you could say well, what if the magic flying carpet didn't fly? I say, at least you got a nice rug. Assuming it's nice. But it's practical still.

Again my contacts were not being cool. I dunno what happened. We were all cool and then suddenly not. Maybe the new one read my last blog post and got mad and told the other one about it. Then the new one twisted my words and made it sound like I was saying the other contact was fat and that I was only using it so I could use it's pool. Its not true other contact, I swear. You are slim and you look great in those low riding jeans. Please be my friend again.

(Studio audience goes, "Awww...")

My left contact is acting up. First it's being annoyingly blurry so I can see but it's slightly hazy and no matter how much or hard you blink it doesnt change. So I tried to put some drops in my eye figuring it was a little dry. Nope, not good enough. So I take it out, rub it a bit with solution. Nope contant wants more. So I go ok "Screw you!" take it out and throw it in the trash. I get a new one, put it in. Everything is going great, we're getting along, sharing stories, laughing. Then...WAM! Contact says, "Hey I want to be annoying too! I'm going to make you think there is something in your eye."

Not cool Mr. New Contact...not cool.

New Phrase!

I was taking this stupid online quiz and the last question said, "This is the last question" then you had to choose a list of words or phrases that you'd say in response to that such as Yay, good, finally...etc. The one I chose was the last one: Well hum. I think this is a great phrase and can work into many situations.

Person A: Hey, your arm is gone.
Person B: Well hum.

Guy 1: Would you like a piece of cheesecake?
Guy 2: Well hum, I'd love to eat some o' dat!

Billy: If a guy has five oranges in one hand, and ten oranges in the other, then what does he have?
Jean: 15 oranges.
Billy: NO! Big Hands! (laughs heartily at self)
Jean: Well hum...(awkward moment)

SEE! Use this phrase with friends, co-workers, and people without limbs! Fun for ALL ages.

It snowed today. That is not cool. It was windy and didnt really stick, except to my face as FREEZING cold rain. I think Mother Nature is pissed off at us for polluting the planet and running over animals with our cars. So please, Recycle and watch out for Squirrels. With everyone's help we can make this a better place where the weather makes sense and doesnt ruin peoples days. It's like living in Seattle here.

I had a smoothe today that I rather enjoyed.

The holidays=distracted and lack of updates

A couple days ago I went out to eat with Kiehl, Suds, Jess, and Kate. While paying for the check by the cashier I noticed a sign that said, "Please Seat Yourself" it was right by this waiting area. I turned to Jess and told her I wanted a sign like that in my living room. That would be great. I'd also want a seat that was a toilet.

My house is gonna be awesome.

It's raining outside, just rain...not men.

Daily Shout Out:
(you know that's like...a lie. Cuz they havent been very daily. It should be Every-So-Often Daily Shout Out..or maybe PIE that way people would think I was feeding them and they would look forward to getting some pie.)
TO: Shawn, ma bro
Why?: Burning me a new copy of the Chicago sountrack that said, "Do not scratch this one"

Wise Words from a Wise Teenager with a squeeky voice.
Oh ZING!

Thank Chef for sunny days - that was written on my wipe board the other day.

Life Lesson:

Today after eating a fine lunch with Dana, where we discussed old ladies. Tangent-there is this one old lady who works there and she keeps walking by all the time, so I was saying how the thrill of her walking by was ruining the fun of us seeing her, then we said we'd like to see her dressed up, I suggested an Easter Bonnet. Dana said that would be adorable.
Anyway, I get back from eating and I'm pretty full. I have my door open and I hear Vogue by Modonna coming from somewhere down the hallway. I go searching for it and find it's coming from Alice's room. I start to dance around and lip sync. Then I grab my side and say, "Oh, I think I'm getting a cramp." 30 seconds later I confirm, "Yeah I got a cramp." I stop. Appearently in addition to not going swimming after you eat, dancing is out of the question as well.

I got packages from Miss Marie and my Mom. Good job with food! Hot Fries are much appreciated. Hurray for easter!

In addition to Life Lesson...
What a Deal!

Yvone needed me to scan something for her and sent it electronically, it was a drawing for an advertising campaign and she didnt want to have to color it manually, instead she plans to use Microsoft Paint. In me scanning it I "saved her life." She said, "I love you." Then she said, "If I have 3 asian babies...you can have one."
SCORE!

On Sunday Suds, Kiehl, Jess, and I went outside near a big waterfall thing. I would put the name of it but I cant even try to spell it, it's named after an Indian so imagine it. After hiking and taking pics and walking in some water, we decided to leave and go into town for some food instead of eating dining hall. So we went to get Thai food at this pretty expensive but REALLy good place...here's my plug- Eat at Taste of Thai. YUM!
Ok so we order food and wait to get it. An asian guy comes and we are all really hungie, so Suds says Thank God. The asian says you should thank me not god. Then we thought well we should really thank the Chef. So we then replaced Thank God to thank Chef. Then it became, Holy Chef?! I'm not sure how or why we moved from replacing the higher power being to an explitive for fecal matter. Oh My Chef! Then it evolved further to..What the Kitchen are you doing?!

Fun with Words!
Kitchen YOU!

PS. I think Weather got my letter and shaped up.

I was wondering today what I would write about since I havent updated and nothing happened...until din din. I ate too much food and I looked at Yvone who was across the table from me. In a serious tone and voice I said, "I could become bulimic." She looked concerned and asked why, and thought it was because I could induce throwing up. I said it was because I ate too much and I feel all heavy, but I couldnt ever really become bulimic because I hate throwing up. Then she brought to my attention that I poop twice a day. As such, I am kinda bulimic....reverse bulimic....well reverse area that food comes out of.

Also Yvone's "penguin" walk...sucks. Nothing like a penguin at all.

Dear weather,

Uh...You SUCK!

Love,
Col

Today I watched infomercials to analyze them for my next project in Media Production. Yeah there are way too many happy audience members. This one I saw about the Gazelle with Tony Little was AMAZING. I've seen it before but this guy is about 35, long curly hair and def wears make up. Best part was to ensure that this was all real he took a polygraph test. Wow. But along the bottom it said re-enactment of real polygraph. So what does that mean? It was pretend real...isnt that like...unpossible?

If I had an informerical I would sell sarcasm tapes. One exercise would be on clothes. Here's how it would go...
If you see a person with an ugly shirt, go up to them and ask,"Hey, where did you get that shirt, I would REALLY like to go buy one."

I recieved this is my email today:

dear colleen,

this is a hard one. now i'm partially to blame for your heritage. all i can say is , sorry. do you want to try changing your name? how about chan, its easy to spell which is to your benefit. remember you are relatively short so you could fake it. try walking around without contacts. all that squinting should convince people. and driving without any glasses should certify you as another crazy oriental on the road. perhaps carrying a eggroll around will help. i am expecting that you can handle the accent. well, i'm all out of prejudicial observations.

Love, Dad

Last night Yvone decided to rub the fact that I can't have asian babies in my face several times over. You see I randomly stated that I don't like being white, and I would like an asian baby. Yvone yelled that she could have them. I yelled that I would steal hers. She yelled that she would have more. I yelled that I'd eat her babies. She was distraught. I took back my statement cuz I can't eat babies that's just wrong. Then I asked if I couldnt have babies if she would give me her ova so I could have an asian baby. She said yes. I then said I was going to steal her ova. I will stop at nothing.

Dana wants to have a disclaimer that states, "Hey at least I didn't eat any babies." That way no matter what you REALLY did, it won't be that bad.

Also Dana and I would like to make up a new weather system that never tells you the temperature outside, we just use phrases that make NO sense. For example, "The plausibility is high for today." And people will pretend they know what it is cuz they don't want to seem dumb. Then I'll show a picture of a rock and say, look out kids here comes santa!

Today I shall call Congratulations Day for it tis the day in which I recieved 4 cards.
One - The Family including Stars
Two - Miss Marie and Mr.Tom
Three - Miss Marie and Mr.Tom
Four - Miss Marie and Mr.Tom

Appearently Miss Marie can't make up her mind on a card so she gave me ALL of them. So Mad Props to Ms.Marie and her indecisiveness. Woo!

Dear Weather,

Hi, it's Colleen. I don't mean to be mean but uh, what is your deal? I mean honestly, where do you get off. We all come back from spring break back to this fine area known as Ithaca and you tease us with some spring. Just when I'm getting used to it and getting all happy, you go and ruin it. There is like 4 inches of snow out there, did you fall asleep on the J-O-B?! Now I feel like those nice days didnt exist and you are F-ing with my head. I don't appreciate it at all. Now if you are upset the Julie got kicked off of American Idol this is no way to show it. If you want me to bake you a cake or something that's cool I'll do it, I just want the nice sun to come back outside.

Your human being,
Colleen Evanson

PS-Get yourself to the gym, you are getting a spare tire.

Weekend in Review:

Friday - after shooting a student film for four hours which consisted mostly of standing/sitting around in a crowded room of people progressively getting drunker (it was a party scene and there was a real party going on), I got back to my room and ate leftover food since I didnt eat dinner. I brought a sandwich wrap, applesauce, and a cookie back into Yvone's room. When I got to the sugar cookie I took it out of it's plastic cover and said, "cookie!" Yvone laughed and said that if I was a fattie she would be histerical. I discovered she loves fatties.
We came up with a new insult.
Johnny: Do you have self esteem?
Patty: (no response)
Johnny: Cuz you shouldn't.

Saturday: We hung out in the hallway..we have a lounge with chairs but its all the way down the hall, so the floor and walls will do. We asked a series of questions. Here you try!

1) Hypothetically if you were in a bathing suit and you passed by a pool full of drained cooked macaroni and there was no one else around, would you swim in it?
if yes cont. if not you are no fun
2) Now you finished swimming and you are hungry, would you eat some? (in all fairness there is no way you would have been able to touch every piece of macaroni)
if yes cont.
3) Now you have this big pool full of macaroni that you dont want to go to waste, would you send it to a third world country?
4) Would you tell them people swam in it? Would it be wrong not to tell them people swam in it?
5) Don't you think at some point the Kraft macaroni factory had "Swim in the Macaroni" Day?

Conclusion: We have all probably eaten macaroni that someone else has swam in. And you know what, I'm ok with that.

Sunday: I will never again eat the eggs served at brunch...they are waging war on my estomago (stomach). To Hell with you eggs!

If there is reincarnation, which I think there is cuz, I mean, then there are WAY too many souls hanging out and it must be so crowded and annoying to commute, plus the whole "Hmm...I feel like I've known you before" deal. But anyway, if we could choose an animal to become I would totally go with a cat.
Why?
Because then I could sleep for 16 hours a day and that would be normal. Plus claws, and night vision, and the ablility to fly. I mean hello!

No one is going to beat this so it might as well be given Phrase O the Week. Guess what Yvone and I talked about? Well read the quotes and you'll find out.

Yvone: I poop every other day...if I'm lucky. But when I poop I am so happy cuz...it's poop. I get a sense of relief.

Wow, she makes it harder for me not to be gay.

I was watching some tv when this commercial comes on for a law firm called Shapiro and Shapiro and not only do they claim to get you money if you are in a car accident but they claim in bold letters that, "We Hate DRUNKS." I mean I dont care for drunks either, but hey man...give them a chance.

I changed some pictures around so scroll down for some fun!

They should make a different kind of soap on a rope where they replace the soap with candy.

Hello Mr.Blog. I was recently informed that every second of laughing burns 1 calorie. Since Yvone and I are too lazy to go to the gym anymore, I think we subconsciouly have been laughing more often. We are like Cheech and Jong but without the weed.

I realized I needed to find a character for improv tomorrow when we do Storytelling - you tell a story as this character - complicated, ey? So I was like DAMN I keep forgetting, and then it came to me...
A person who really has to poop.
I just have to clench my bum and tip toe around, instand hilarity.

OK ok i know it's been awhile. I just needed some space Blog, you're all up in ma fiz-ace. You need to back down otherwise I'll run away cuz I'll feel smothered and you won't understand cuz I'll feel bad for telling you that so I'll just pretend that I'm really sick or I'm just too busy or I died. Yeah, yeah...I'll fake my death. I'll tell you to meet me somewhere that has a good view of some stairs, then I'll walk near them, and really quickly toss a dummy that looks like me down the stairs, and you'll see it and say...OMG! Then I'll run down the stairs, put ketchup on my face, throw the dummy away and lay down pretending to be dead. I'm going to bank on your inability to check my pulse and see that I'm breathing and just assume I have some massive trama to the head and I died. You'll yell to the heavens, "NOOOO!" Then after like 3 mins you'll leave cuz it would be awkward for you to stay. And then I'll print up a fake obituary and I'm all set. YA-HOO!

*that YA-HOO, wasnt just a form of expression, it was also some product placement. Yahoo, the finest search engine around.

Yvone is once again on top with the amusing sayings. Ben had asked her why she was loud and she said:

I'm loud because...God is in my heart.

It doesnt make sense, and I dont even think she KNOWS God...and why would he be living in her heart when he could get a nice summer cottage along the east coast, or live in Puerto Rico, or a wooden cabin. These things I dont get.

Also she was arguing with Kiehl when she told him to go to hell. Shortly after he stated that he didn't believe in hell. She then proceeded to pick up a cup and tell her that THIS is what Hell is. And can you really argue with her? Who would want to live in an empty plastic cup with flower print on it? Not me, I'd rather spend eternity stuck in a sippy cup. A soul damned, but hard to spill....oooh snap!

Last night I realized my inner mantra is: Kitty

I apologize I havent updated. I know how annoying that can get. The past week has been great. I have no obligation except hanging around the house, sleeping, eating, watching conan with friends. I think I have to award Merry with the phrase of the week. You see we had a lot of people over the house when we were filming for Jesse's project and then afterwards we'd hang around and after awhile if someone said something Merry didn't agree with she'd say:

Get out of my house.

It's funny cuz its not true, this aint her house...although I never objected I just said, Yeah get out of her house. I believe once she said it to my mom, crazy Merry.

Also while home I discovered the BEST mug in the world. I didnt even know we owned such an amazing drinking device but alas there in the cabinet stands a mug stating, "Sun your Buns." It's from Florida. I will make sure whenever i drink hot cocoa, I use that mug for it tis beautiful.

There was lots of filming last night for Jesse's freshman film project. Lighting is such a bitch, its the thing you def take for granted and it seems like it would be no problem but it always takes longer than you think. But I really had fun, I mean how could I not? This is basically what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. Jesse had brought a couple of his SVA friends to help him out and after the shoot we went to a diner. There Matt told us that his voice was changing in the third grade. "Everyone thought I had a cold. They would ask all the time and I would say 'No...I'm fine.'" We then discussed giant checks. Tony said he would get a big one, write it out to himself and carry it around.

Also Josh and I created a new improv training game while on set. It's meant to train you not to laugh. It involves two people standing face to face. One person hits the other with a foam bat while they both attempt to appear dignified. You have to try and find your not funny place. We pretended to be Officers, Senators, and Kevin Spacey. It's a lot harder than you think. Nevertheless, I think everyone should make it a hobby. We both thought it would be extremely amusing if someone was to walk in on us doing this. We would yell at them to get out and a single tear would fall from Josh's eye as I continued to hit him with a foam bat. They would think we were insane, and they would be right.

Yesterday my dad is all, you need to update. Only thing is, my brain doesnt want to work anymore or be very creative or report on humorous things. As such, I feel I have failed my people who look forward to my antics. Perhaps I'm getting too old for this town. I am all of 19 now. I just dont have the memory or motivation since spring break hit some 2 days ago. Tis hard times. The economic system is in shambles. The kids are out of control. The gadgets are all imported from them Japanese who are secretly planning to steal all our American hot dogs. I have evidence...yesterday on the Food Network they showed a hot dog eating contest and these Japanese PUNK ate 50 hot dogs. I would say he exploded afterward all over a hello kitty purse, but that would be a lie.

Quote of the Day

So today Yvone and I are walking back to the dorm and she says:

You know when pretend to be paying attention to someone while your really thinking about ice cream or something?

Yes, I do it all the time.

Fun with IM Conversations.

matt knife fight: hey hey hey
Lactaid Lady: hey yo
matt knife fight: guess what
Lactaid Lady: you met John Tesh?
matt knife fight: yea and we're engaged
Lactaid Lady: WOW!
matt knife fight: i know, he makes me so happy.
matt knife fight: no, not really. i'm in VT!!
Lactaid Lady: really
Lactaid Lady: so you really are going to get married

The John Tesh mention was for Dana, she like...loves to use his name and that love is starting to wear off on me.
and I hope people get the joke of him actually getting married cuz Vermont is like the only state where gay people can get married. I for one thought that comment I made was extremely clever of me.

So I find out today that Tony isnt going home for break...yeah my ride plans are screwed now. Hurray!

In other news: In my acting class we have to do this thing called Rock Star where you pick a rock star, lip sing, and imitate them. Our teacher wanted us to pick someone that was a challenge for them, someone unlike themselves. So who does Colleen pick? Well, Christina Anguilera of course! I have an outfit that is staggering to anyone who knows me. It includes fishnet stockings, high heels, short mini skirt that has shorts built in (thank god), a tacky camaflogue green/blue top and a nice red bra. There clothes arent mine....its mostly Dana. I dunno why she has all these whore clothes but God Bless her! I'm also going to do some makeup, put these blond extentions in and maybe add a stick on nose ring. I do this tomorrow at 11 am. I will become what I hate and shake it like it's nobody's biz. It's very entertaining though I must say.

I can't even imagine what my father is thinking at this moment.

This was written on my wipeboard last night:

This is the story of Conan. He smells like grapenuts. Sometimes he hangs out by the Junior High and scouts for ass. This is gross. Regardless, Conan went on to become a junior member in the republic of Conania (I think that's what it says) and currently is married with four hundred children whom he does not fully appreciate. I like corn dogs and soda.

-Mr. Hamb(scribble scribble - I think its supposed to be Hamburger)

Under this I wrote: Someone is drunk and likes to write.

So I had this piece of paper that I wrote funny things down on and now I can't find it. This is very annoying. But I guess I could tell you about this show idea Dana and I came up with, it's called Baby Killer. Its about this guy who kills baby's and to steal their things like pacifier, crib, osh kosh bagosh overalls, their mini shoes, and the car seat. The theme song will be sung my an heavy metal hair band like Poison. Baby Kill-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Foreigner confusion:

Yesturday Yvone was telling me her confusion over some girl and said, "I dunno if she's human, alien...or a guy."

It's mostly in the face. Aliens have slimy grey skin and big black eyes, girls are pretty..and guys are rugged. That should clear things up.

F bomb!

stop being a bastard post section!

The last o the last:

Just then Joan Rivers turned around and noticed the bomb was dead. She screamed and her face cracked. She was so angry that her plan failed that she began to melt, until all that was left was a puddle of Botox.

They all rejoiced. But Tori Spelling was frozen still. She was mesmerized by all the paparazzi taking pictures.
Then out of no where, Charles in Charge’s star Scoot Baio showed up. He had been looking all over for Tori Spelling so they could be together the way only early 90s television stars could. He kissed her out of her daze and they instantly fell in love and wanted to get married.

Inspired by their affection, MC Hammer suggested that Michael Bolton “turn this mutha out” with a song, and he did. He sang ‘Love is a Wonderful Thing.’ (enter music here)

But this happily ever after didn’t last very long: The seven washed up stars got their second chance when they were offered a sitcom on the WB, but only the pilot was shot and then it was pulled before it could be aired. Tori Spelling and Scott Baio stayed married for a solid 2 months and then divorced faster than J-Lo could ever imagine.

D End.

Mo' Story:

So finally when the day arrived they all got into Mr. T’s A-Team van and drove to Hollywood. Mr. T had an AT&T commercial to shoot so it was on the way. The whole ride he kept giving Tori advice to stay in school, drink her milk, and don’t take drugs.

When they arrived, Macgyver escorted her out and down the red carpet. He was there not just as a friend, but as a bodyguard. The whole time he kept a look out for any danger. The he noticed that her snap bracelet was keeping time. But when he looked closer he saw that it was counting down. He had seen this before on his self titled action packed show - Macgyver. He had to stop the bomb, where ever it was. And he had less than three minutes to do it.

He scouted around, and listened for a tic of a bomb. He looked over to where Joan Rivers was standing; she was getting her finishing touches on her make up. It was then that he noticed a tic and he followed the sound. He ran through the crowd of stars and to Joan Rivers’ camera crew. It was there, by the microphones, that he saw the bomb. It was attached to the bottom of the microphone labeled, “Tori Spelling’s microphone.”

At this point he had a minute left. He didn’t come prepared so he did what he does best – use random objects to save the day. So he used his wrist watch, a complimentary mint toothpick, and the chewy caramel center of a milk dud. With seconds remaining he diffused the bomb and saved the day.

End Part 4

Story Cont.:

Why a snap bracelet? Joan figured, it’s tacky and anyone who tries to bring back a trend from the ‘80s should be blown up.

Joan was extremely pleased with her plan and she would have laughed manically but all the plastic surgery prevented her from doing anything else but smile and constantly look surprised.

Back at the cottage Tori was helping Alf memorize his lines for his next 1-800-Collect commercial when Macgyver came back from his daily walk with the mail. He noticed the invitation for Tori and called her over.

“WOAH!” cried Joey Lawrance, “You got invited to the Golden Globes!”

“Oh my God!” she exclaimed, “I guess they don’t hate me after all. But whatever shall I wear?”

MC Hammer came over and offered her his beautifully glistening blue jumpsuit. As much as Tori loved shinny objects, she knew it wouldn’t fit.

“Quit your jibba jabba! She’s got a package too” said Mr. T.

Tori opened the package and saw a wonderful dress just for her with a matching snap bracelet. “Goodie, I love snap bracelets!” she exclaimed.

“Who sent it to you?” asked Angela Lansbury.
“Joan Rivers. Aw, how nice of her, I’ll have to make sure to go and see her when I arrive,” said Tori.

But this whole thing seemed suspicious to Angela. “How curious? Why would Joan Rivers send you a package the same day your invitation arrived?” Her work on Murder She Wrote was making her want to get to the bottom of this mystery, but no one else listened to her, for she was old.

End Part 3

Meanwhile, in the forest Tori Spelling was losing hope until at last she arrived in a clearing where a lone house stood. She went up to the door and could hear the song “Can’t Touch This” playing inside. It was one of her favorite songs so she opened the door to hear it better and she found seven pairs of eyes on her.
“What’s going on here?” she asked.

Mr. T stepped forward and with all this gold chains replied, “We are the seven washed up celebrities, fool!”
She looked around and noticed who was there; Mr.T, MC Hammer, Angela Lansbury, Macgyver, Alf, Michael Bolton, and Joey Lawerance who noticed who she was and exclaimed, “WOAH!” in pure Blossom fashion.

She told them her story about being shunned away and they all nodded in agreement, for they knew her story all too well. They were all surprised she held out so long.

Back in Hollywood (after getting another face lift), Joan Rivers searched far and wide for a way to kill Tori Spelling. In the end she decided to print up a fake invitation to the Golden Globes that stated Tori was being acknowledged for her work in the 1987 classic, Troop Beverly Hills. With the letter she would include a dress for her to wear, along with a snap bracelet that was the triggering device to a bomb. Once Tori arrived on the red carpet, Joan Rivers would call her over and the bomb would go off.

End Part 2

Everybody who loves Mr.T go here http://www.angelfire.com/weird/monkeys/mrt.html (sorry I couldnt make it a link, it wasnt working so copy and paste it)
its this crazy sound board, he says sucka so much! Oh and nobody drives the van but him.

ok I have decided to post my storytelling fairtale for all o' yall. But I know people dont' like to read too much, so it will be in pieces. Like an HBO special with the voice of Tom Hanks!

The Hollywood Version: Snow White and the Seven Celebrities

Once upon a time in the magical kingdom of Hollywood there lived a producer who had a daughter. Her name was Tori Spelling. She was attractive and had no acting skills at all, but because she was his daughter he put her in everything he ever made. But one day, he died and the rest of the people in Hollywood hated her so much for all her terrible acting that they wanted to cast her away. This time her daddy couldn’t save her. So she was banished to never act again and sent to Northern California.

Soon after the most shallow and annoying fashion expert in all the land went up to her mirror and asked, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose hated most of all?”
The mirror replied, “Why you Joan Rivers, but there is another. Tori Spelling is hated still for what she did on Beverly Hills 90210. She was cast away up north and is wandering through the woods there.”

“Then she MUST die! For only I shall be the most hated in all the land!” said Joan Rivers. But before she whisked herself off to conjure up a plan to destroy Tori Spelling and broadcast the whole thing as a television special on E!, she asked, “Who is she wearing?” Then she proceeded to make bad jokes about K-Mart having a sale.

End Part 1

Random Quote: I like babies - Yvone

Then later on Dana and I hugged Yvone to make an asian sandwich. Then we cornered her and proceeded to see if we could pick her up cuz she is small. We took turns. We could both pick her up. Hurray!

GASP! My first fan email!

TJ writes: What do you think about the movie Old School and its stealing of your website name?

Well, I was in the movie theatre when I saw the trailer and thought it was the most amazing trailer, simply because of the name. Initially I thought, it was pretty cool that they shared my name. Then after awhile, I thought about it - alone in a meadow, and it started to annoy me. I mean, if that movie sucks they could systematically destroy all the things that old school is associated with. I am worried for my future. I fear the worst. And as such, I am putting out a Red Alert for the readers of my site. Please read as much of the archives as you can and buy lots of duct tape and put it around your computer. If there arent many updates for about a week...fear the worst. But otherwise, Will Ferrel could make that whole thing worth seeing.

More emails are appreciated.

Ok today I was thinking how I have a high tolerance for the cold. Often times when others feel it is really cold I am standing around in a t shirt saying its so hot. But here in Ithaca my tolerance is gone. It is so ridiculously cold out here you have no idea. My nose hairs freeze, I curse as I walk around and the wind attempts to blow me into a snow pile. So not cool. And I find it very disappointing that I am so damn cold. (shakes fist at Jack Frost)

Also, as I got onto the elevator I was thinking how awkward it is when you are with one other person who you dont know...in the elevator of course. And you could say well it only lasts for about a minute until you get to your floor, but still...I feel the need to address the uncomfortableness but instead I lean against the wall and pretend to be in deep thought or fuss with my jacket, anything to not think about the other person there. But if we just opened up, do you know how many elevator friends you could make?! So then I got onto the second elevator - because I was avoiding being outside - and we stop on one of the floor...low and behold, Dana walks in...and so does this other chick. So Dana and I exchange witty banter and then we all start to complain how the elevator stops of floors and no one is there and how it wastes a good 3 seconds of time. This girl is proof that elevator friends really can happen.

I checked my Ithaca webmail and I got an email from the Asian Club. I'm not asian....silly mailing list.

Ok addition to last post. As Yvone and I were reading the last post about her being swallowed by the gates of hell we began to elaborate on what it would look like. Each time I got a visual of her yelling and flailing her arms as she is being sucked down into this spiralling abyss. And she yells out, "This BLOWS!"
She then acted it out and I proceeded to piss my pants.

She then had this to say, "What?! That is what I would say, that does blow."

Yaye!

Yvone wants to be in the website and I have thought of quoting her several times but then I forget what she says or its too offensive. But today, I will not censor it. That's right. Get ready. Hide the kids and get ready to pray after reading this.

So she comes into my room and I asked how her night was and she says, "a lot of sex and drugs."
And I ask, "with who?"
she answers, "with God." Then she apologized to him but it was too late, the gates of hell opened and swallowed her whole.

And last week she said "whore" in church. She is totally doomed. For sure!

oh and also: Sheryl Crow rules.
I say this as I bizounce to the mad phat beats.
peace out.

Oh and belated Shout Out:
To: Ms.Marie
Why: The "H." Brownies and Barry White CDs for ma Bday.

After Creative Writing I went into the small grocery type store to get more of my Lactaid Milk. I left without a bag, I wanted to boldly show that I am Lactose Intolerant. And as I am walking back to the dorm I notice this grey wool glove with this red thing on it that looked like a cloth tongue or mouth. I figured hey! sock puppet or crazy animal mitten. I was SO right. There stood a lone frozen whale mitten. I picked it up, looked at it, then put it back down. As I walked away I said, "that sucks. Poor Mr. Whale." Then I felt bad for leaving him but I figured there was a reason he was there. Maybe if he's still around in like a week I'll take him in.

Then as if that wasnt enough - I just realized how anti climactic this is - I saw a lady standing outside by the dining hall smoking and wearing a plaid/flannel jacket with big stitched orange pattern on it. I mummbled, "oh boy thats ugly."
And it was.