Friday, April 27, 2012

Baja Day 3


Lazy day. Liz up early, goes on a 6 mile run (way to show off). The sweat evaporates off so fast she doesn't come back sweaty. Check plus, desert! Meanwhile, I drink about 4 cups of tea then attempt to juggle the soccer ball with Liz. But here's the thing: I hurt my knee awhile back and it just doesn't seem to heal. Weird, right? Surprisingly (not surprising at all) my leg fails. In denial, I juggle without the leg while Liz looks on disapprovingly. 

We eat a lil something, perhaps one of our million Cliff bars. Liz gets a call from a man known as "Hollywood." He's one of the “younger” guys, you know in his at late 30s/early 40s, who will be by the pool for volleyball from 12 – 2pm. We don't have a car so we get a ride with Lindsey and her friend Rose who asks what we did this AM. Liz tells her she went for a run. Rose endearingly calls her a little shit. Rose is awesome. Lindsey/designated mom drops us off. We're too late to sign up for pool vball but enjoy watching poolside. 


Liz hides her pale white Irish skin under the towel. 


Hollywood (aka the Commander from Power Rangers!) asks if we want to join for a VIP birthday dinner for some guy named Lopez turning 65. It's a four course meal for 20 bucks and it's a first come first serve list of guests. "Sure!" Then he tells us he has a small piece of a "special" tootsie roll. Liz has tried special items before but never liked it. I've tried some special things here and there but never to any effect. It's my superhero power. But when it Rome… So we split a small piece. He tells us if we’re lucky we might feel a buzz. 


Cut to: an hour later it hits Liz. She pretends she’s tired until I sneak a peek at her eyes behind the glasses. Someone's getting silly. 


I take pictures and video. “It gets real” for a hot minute and she’s about 2 mins behind in our conversation, then laughs histerically fearing she'll never stop, is afraid to get up, and suddenly really hungry. I give her a piece of gum. She can’t get over how good it is. We move to avoid nats that showed up (in our minds?). But they follow us, or rather the cheap plastic chairs, we move again. She goes to the bathroom. Upon her return she admits she thought she might get stuck in here – all by herself, with her brain. But then she didn’t want to overthink it so she left. Good call. Then, concerned she asks "How am I going to remember all this? So much has happened." In her defense, she's right. I mean we moved around like 4 times. Who wants to forget about those treasured moments?

We play a short lived game entitled "Hey that was weird, right?" Starring this chick Nicole. 


Liz doesn’t like her because Nicole is drunk and not making much sense. She pretends her name is Colleen & Liz which upsets Liz because "that's clearly not her name. Why would she say that?" She leaves but then returns much to Liz's annoyance and bitch steals my camera, much to my annoyance. 


Notice Liz blocking her face, quietly mumbling "I hate her." 


A delightful level of paranoia follows. Liz checks in with me as people go by saying "hi" or "have a good one." She’s immediately skeptical – "They know. Why else would they say that?" It couldn’t possibly be them being nice.  I get quiet, mesmerized by the vball game. Turn to find Liz watching people enter and exit the pool area because the vball game is "boring." She'd rather try to figure out what the guy in sunglasses and sweater is doing just standing there. You know, like "What's his deal?" I reply, "I dunno, probably here to pick someone up." Liz doesn't accept it as a viable answer. 

This one super positive guy is by the pool cheering on the teams. He’s in his 30s and Liz thinks he’s from San Diego because he talks like the turtle in Finding Nemo. We are far too amused by his reactions. I video some of it, cause that's not weird AT ALL.


I keep thinking about the small piece we had that made us both loopy, Liz more so than me (remember my super powers). Yet, I'm sure we'd die on a whole piece. Liz is glad she never did it in college because it’s ALL she would do. The buzz wears off for me but Liz gets quiet as Hollywood drops us back off to change into regular clothes. Upon not being in bathing suits Hollywood comments how different we look out of swim wear, aged up by like 20 years. Liz isn't sure if that's a good or bad thing. I mention we seem more age appropriate not realizing it could be taken the wrong way (as in, hey we're not too young for you to hit on us!). Liz returns to us, no longer scared to talk and amazed how long her special little journey lasted. We take a sip of amazing (creme de) tequila in a tall blue bottle to celebrate/just cause. It’s delicious, takes like candy, and depending on where you go is either 15 or 40 dollars.


The bday celebration happens at a restaurant off the beaten path, one of those places you find down a dirt road, and make a left after the tree in the middle of the road, then turn into a small hut/driveway on the right. We're told it's the best food in town. They are only open by reservation and 20 people at a time. That night they opened special for us. 


Upon entering you have a clear view into the chef’s kitchen.


Liz and I realize immediately upon joining this birthday dinner bash that it's less of a come and join us and more of a special occasion for friends who all know each other but don't know us. We later recount how they must have been thinking, "who are these assholes?" Would you like to learn how to be an asshole? I bet you would. Come sit a spell and we'll tell you a tale...

A GUIDE TO BEING AN ASSHOLE 
by Liz Riv and Colleen Evs

First of all, get invited to a VIP closed list birthday dinner and without knowing the guy say yes. Bonus points for bumping off any of the man's real friends, which we did. Sorry, Jorge the vball sign up guy, better luck next time!


Next take a primo seat at the table. May I suggest right next to the birthday boy you have never met? Yes, well done.


Then it's BYOB/Liquor so don't bring any, but do get tipsy off the stuff everyone else brought.


What's that, Chef? It's a fixed menu of steak, lamb, or fish? No, I won't be having that. I'm a vegetarian so you'll need to make me something else OFF the special fixed menu, thanks!


Then when others (who may be drunk or high or both) don't want the appetizer of "cold mash potatoes" aka delicious tuna salad, eat their portion with no reservations.


Next, make sure your special off the fixed menu meal comes out first. But don't eat it. This may appear like you are "waiting" for everyone else to get their food before eating but really you want everyone else, who is hungry, to see. Take pictures. This will peak interest, they will want to know what it is.


It's also clutch if your dish is enormous and you don't offer to share. Instead. Eat it ALL.


Unfortunately I was less of an asshole and ordered the fresh fish from the actual menu.


But I did make up for it by taking a picture of one of the owners who didn't want his picture taken. Sorry buddy, I'm an asshole so this IS happening.


Now if someone else, most likely a skinny girl who doesn't complete her meal and only drinks water, doesn't want her dessert, eat it right in front of her and remark how amazing your second helping of it is. YUM! You sure you don't want any? It's delicious.



Thus ends our lesson. Now back to our regular scheduled program....

While at the table we BS with Devan from the pool she’s 21 and her friends are too scared to come visit. She’s an old soul with a great sense of humor. She's joined by her cool down to earth mom Dawnette and her boyfriend Robbie. More on them later. 

Also – San Diego eats with us, but turns out thats not his name and he’s from Oregon. Damn, 0 for 2. The food is so good Liz kinda wishes she was still high - I mean, special. That's vague, right? For all you know they were homemade from a "special" family recipe. Just like grandma used to make. Don't question it. Jedi mind trick! "These are not the droids you're looking for..."

Anyway, turns out Hollywood has a call back in LA so he reluctantly drops of off early. It’s for the best as we are scheduled for an early morning adventure the next day. He gives us the tequila to finish since he can’t drive with an open container. We pretend we could never accept such a - ok fine, we'll take one for the team. He was bummed he couldn’t "party with us" and promises a rain check. We had a great time, but hope he’s not really hitting on us, though we’ll happily accept gifts.

Liz is so full she walks up and down the stairs to the roof to help settle the gallon of veggies in her stomach as I type stuff I hope isn’t too much that I forget it all.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Baja Day 2

3AM wake up with try mouth (too much tequila). Must have water. Fumble around the kitchen, found Agave juice first, drank half of it, saw how much sugar was it in and thought I need to stop drinking sugar. Found the water. 10 mins later I hear Liz get up. She returns. Whispers, “Are you awake?” I respond, “kinda.” She asks for my phone so she can use it as a makeshift flashlight to find water. Turns out when she was up she just putzed around not finding any. We then fumbled together and drank about 1.5 glasses each. Later found out Lindsey did the same thing after us.

Go for a ride in the rail aka adult go cart. Stopping for a drink in a shack in th emiddle of nowhere with a cute dog.

Tecate drank before 10am? Yup. Sure did. 



But I poured some out. For my homies...


Then peed in a shack with no doors and two lopsided holes. Classy. Make sure to wash your hands…. with sand.


We take photos by the rail. Liz climbs on top of it like spiderman. It’s badass.



Continue into the mountains. Parked, had to pee again, popped a squat in the desert. I was by a hole which later reflected was not a great idea. Could have been a home to a critter I would not like to see like spider, snake, or scorpion. Hiked to a water hole. Took artsy pictures of a cactus.


Found a lizard. We slowly approach.


He’s not running away. Hmm. Wait, is he dead? Further inspection. He’s not breathing. His eyes open.


Liz jumps back. We expect him to run away. Nope. Oh, he’s just chillin. Or maybe he's high? Later we wonder if he’ll retell the story to his lizard friends – "Dude, I saw a bunch of humans today. Up close."

More beer. Ate my leftover tacos (battered and flour tortilla I didn’t ask for but was too buzzed to notice til halfway done). A spread was put out on the roof of a rail: crackers, nuts, cheese, chips, homemade cookies AND homemade pickled pickles. Stop it! OK, fine. I'll have a little of each. Don't wanna be rude...


We take badass pictures looking like thugs. You can’t see my face but I’m NOT smiling.


Managed to nap in the rail despite the loud roar of the engine. We stop again. Another beer. Marvel at the road indicator of a cow carcass.


The original one fell apart so they got another one (you know, like you do) and leaned it against it. It was so fresh it looked fake but upon further inspection it was legit. PS - Smelled great.



Someone gets a flat tire. The boys all help lift the car, while the women stand around and take pictures. Another beer? Sure, why not. Not like we’re driving or anything.


Get back to the house. Liz and I think we look tan, then realize it's just a layer of dust. Three days without a shower so my hair was aReal nasty, matted even. Occasionally felt it while putting on and off the goggles needed for going on a “run” in the rail – and I immediately thought this is what some dirty hippie feels everyday. So close to dreads. The wind wasn’t helping. Get back and shower while the 70 year olds keep drinking. I used shampoo and conditioner (Panteen ProV -  none of that generic bizz) but still felt like I tore up my hair trying to brush it out. Liz and I both continued to find sand in our unmentionables. 

I finish my shower and go to find liz. I’m told she’s on the roof. I head up. I spy her laying out, hand out clutching a mug of water. I call out. No response. Probs didn’t hear me. I get closer. Her shirt it up in an attempt to tan her Irish stomach, a hat on her head. Legs crossed. “Liz.” Nope. She fell asleep. I immediately go get my camera as she is notorious for hating naps. Evidence is needed. I take pictures like it’s a crime scene.

Then figure, why not just recreate me discovering her. I do so with my camera that takes video. She wakes, is totally busted, and calls me an asshole.

Later on I do jumping jacks, you know, to burn the calories from all the booze. Twenty should do the trick, right? Liz comes up saying she and Lindsay can hear me bouncing around through the roof. Sorry for party rockin’. It's twilight time. Liz spots her second shooting star in her life. Turns out I was also there for her first.  What can I say, when I’m in her life, she sees stars. Awwww!

Alone, I finish up with yoga under the stars. Then lounge on the hammock in search of my own star.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Baja Day 1



I recently ran away to Mexico again. Baja Mexico, not the main land part that immediately makes anyone over 30 say, "it's not safe/be careful you could get kidnapped." Don't worry, this time I brought a friend (twice as hard to get kidnapped). 

My BFF Liz came to LA on a one way ticket so we could have adventures in Mexico. This is part of our tale... 

CAST LIST:
2nd time around American - Colleen
1st time in Baja - Liz
2nd cousin who is 71 - Joe aka Baja Joe
2nd cousin's British wife - Lindsey

DAY 1

Wake up at 6:35am to leave the apartment around 7:15am. Used hand drawn map and discovered the short cut road was closed. Then drove down a dirt road with a lagoon running along side it. Constantly wondering, is this a road? We get to a road closed sign. I make a pretty difficult U-turn.


We find concrete again and the smallest freest parking for your car there err was. Thanks El Centro Airport! 

Go to Costco, buy a million Cliff bars. Thanks, bulk! Pee stop. Go to another Costco, this time in Mexico – get a GIANT berry sundae for 2 bucks. There was some debate about who was getting the chocolate (liz), the swirl of vanilla and chocolate (me), and just classic vanilla (Lindsey). Joe makes jokes in Spanglish that Liz and I are his moms. The clerk laughs, but it's mostly out of confusion. 

Arrive by 3pm, go directly to happy hour, do not unpack or stop at the house. But don’t worry "We’re only staying for an hour."


We’re early but there’s a bday celebration happening for (according to the sign) Paul. He’s turning 80 but according to our new/drunk friend Shelly you’d never know it. Liz then tells others about Paul, prompting them to ask if she knows him. "Nope." Turns out Paul has quite a spread of food happening. It's in our eye line, what are we supposed to do? NOT stare at it longingly?

More people show up. We keep drinking. Another pitcher of margaritas is served, or is this the third one? Liz is tired and easily drunk. I’m right behind her. Chewy is sleeping under the table waiting for us to take him home – like the sober DD who is over it. An hour in we already extend our stay another Day to attend Boots’ party. We HAVE to go. Will you be there? OK, Sure. Twist my arm.

We spot Shelly off to the side smoking a cigar. We decide to go over and tell her that’s awesome. We meet her friend Kathy.

We decide to make friends with Paul so we can eat his food. He’s awesome and you would never know he’s turning 80! We’re young and he doesn’t want to let go from shaking our hands. His daughter, the party organizer, is there. She’s a little less awesome. Probs cause she’s not drunk and totally onto our food stealing plan. Proceed to go to town on crackers, cheese, and carrots. Best not forget about the pickles.

People notice my Betty White shirt that looks a lil sometin like a dis:


We talk about how awesome she is. All of us want to be her when we grow up. Square dancing starts to happen. Liz and I join and do a piss poor job at it but the drunk lady with us thinks we picked it up fast. Shenia Twain gets it going, we sing/dance about the best thing about being a woman. Circle is formed, we all take turns busting a move. Including Shelly. AND Kathy. Liz comments we are the youngest and drunkest there. 

Liz and I spy Paul's birthday cake in the fridge. Paul, what’s going on? Why are we not eating that right now!? Happy Birthday is sung, we linger and get HUGE pieces of cake. Vanilla and chocolate with cream in the middle, strawberries on top. Ice cream for lunch. Cake for dinner. Drunk by 4pm. Welcome to Baja! Sorry, body.


We start taking pictures, they are blurry. The perfect representation of what’s happening in our brains. No reservations, we spot a quad parked out front. I tell Liz to get on it. She goes.


And here's the one where she’s telling a bystander, don’t worry this is definitely my ride.


We leave happy hour by 8pm. Somehow we managed to drink 5 pitchers. Sharing IS caring. We meet Cody. He actually owns a quad. He’ll be here this week. We plan to see him later. ((Spoiler alert: We don't)). We’re told downtown is crazy and no one leaves their house. Liz and I plan to leave and join the insanity of it all.


We get in the car and dance to 70s super hits. What's that? The photo is blurry? Weird. We drop off our stuff at the house and Chewy finally gets fed/released from the drunk people. We aren’t hungry but should probs get real dinner, right? Ok Mexican it is! Liz realizes her glasses are missing. We go back. No dice. She dumps out her bag. No dice. Well, they’ll turn up. She rocks her prescription sunglasses – at night. Hardcore.

We arrive at Andres. I eat the free chips I told myself I wasn’t going to eat. Damn you, Tequila! Joe orders margaritas for the whole table.


They are STRONG. None of us finish them. We stuff our drunk bocas (spanish for mouths) in silence. Liz and I take turns mumbling, "OMG I’m so drunk." I get my fish tacos to go. Ordered without beer batter and on corn tortillas but that didn’t happen. Liz then asks the server, Max, "Como se dice 'Hammered' en espanol?" He’s not sure what hammered means, she motions drinking a lot and stumbling. He goes, "Oh – Borracho." "Si! Muy borracho! (make that borracha, for the ladies) Gracias!"

Time for bed. Liz falls face first onto the pull out bed. She doesn’t move after that.
Sorry teeth, tonight you will not be brushed.