Baja Day 8

The one good thing about waking up way too GD early in the morning in Baja is catching the sunrise. We get up at 5:30am for The Poker Run. Don't be fooled, even though the word "run" is in the title, there will be no running. (NOTE: Here in Baja a "run" usually refers to going for a ride in the giant adult go-carts called Sand Rails. This run involves getting some poker cards and then going to MASH-like themed check points along the dirt course). We roll out aka nap in the sand rail despite how loud it is. Any guys who wave back to us are our novios: in a boat, truck, kids on the street. Don’t matter. Todos novios! We wake up for donuts.

Yes, please. We eat a piece of each one at Janice and Chuck’s house, where upon spotting a shake weight, Janice gives us a tutorial. But we know all about it (and the SNL parody - photo below). We try not to laugh as she demonstrates, and fail miserably. 

They start drinking early. 7:50am jello shots? Ouch. We are in for a LOOOONG day.

We get to the beginning checkpoint, 1.5 hours early. Baja Joe, you so crazy. We feel like we should mess with him but never think of anything good to do. Instead, we get a crappy hand at poker, I get nothing, Liz gets a pair of 8s. Spoiler Alert: she doesn't win. Also a lady is giving out deviled eggs for FREE. I’m all over it. She needs help getting rid of them. Oh? We bait her to offer us to take more than one. No dice.

We nap, our crew of people take pictures of the young kids falling asleep in the super not comfortable plastic lawn chairs. I feel my mouth opening as I drift off but don’t care. We clarify that we were out late and up early. The old folks keep drinking. 

There are announcements about police DUI check points. Don’t go too fast. Is this happening? Way to downplay drunk driving. We talk about wanting to ride someone's ATV. Liz and I assure each other we will make it happen: "Totes, gotta, nailed it, slam dunk, ace, own it, check it. Done. Check." 

Clearly we are delirious.

The run starts. I begin to wake up. Liz and I find ways to amuse ourselves. We bait Lindsey into using her default phrase: "I don’t know" Or “haven’t a clue" with her innocent inflection. But to get her to say it we have to find the right question. Liz asks "What’s the furthest planet from us?" She doesn’t take the bait. Instead she asks others. Liz and I sigh. Double fail: she didn’t say it and now we are a part of a convo we have no interest in. We try again, "Hey Linds, what proof is this alcohol?" Without hesitation she answers: " 200."  Damn! I ask her what type of chile is on her handkerchief, she says red pepper. Damn. But then follows up with "I think. I don’t know." YES! We start laughing. She doesn’t get it. Realizes it’s some kind of private joke. We’re punch drunk and keep laughing.

We take pictures of each set up. 

We ask Lindsey "What’s in the jungle juice?" Lindsey: "I don’t know." She shoots and scores! We crack up. She says it again, we convulse into fits of laughter. She’s onto us. "Is that it?" We admit, yes. We love it. We spend the rest of the day baiting her. She even turns it around on me.  Asking me what flavor jello shots were left. Not thinking I say, "I don't know." And she starts to smile. She totally got me. Well played.

More jello shots. 

We make ridiculous noises. "Aw, Squawks! Ey! EYY!" Mumbling crazy shit and cracking each other up. I love the craziness, Liz loves making me feel crazy. Aren't we just a pair? Joe feeds us jello shots. We take stupid pictures with props. You have to go vote on which one was the best. We vote for three: they had snacks. No photo ops, doesn’t matter. Snacks win every time. 

We meet these twins from Chicago who upon us telling them we’re from NY say "Oh yeah I could tell. I could hear it." Oh really? Because literally everyone we meet comments on how we DON'T have an accent. They overuse the word phenomenal. They are throwing a party later that’s "gonna be fucking stupid." They drop F-bombs galore. We eat the last of the jello shot shooters. Doesn’t taste great but eat them anyway. We go to head back. Lindsey says we missed out on cranberry cookies. We ask "Wait. What kind of cookie?" She thinks we’re messing we her. But no, we don’t mess around when it comes to food, especially dessert. Now describe it! Carol says she has some shortbread ones left. SCORE!!

We head back to home base, haplessly sticking our arms out the sand rail - casting shadow puppets and of course the finger. Napping a bit. Get to lunch, they only have burgers advertised as a mix of McDonalds, Burger King, and Jack in the box. Cue my sarcastic: "Great." You get food through a ticket system: 1 cheeseburger or 2 hot dogs for 6 tickets. We have 4 left (we might have spent them on booze) but figure we’re not getting the burger, we’re gonna eat salads and maybe some fries since they ran out of tater tots (#unacceptable). Turns out a salad made of lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, sweet radish, mustard, salt/pepper is surprisingly really good. We BS with people who keep trying to give us their tickets. 

THEM: Get a burger. 

US: We don’t eat meat. 

THEM: Oh. Why not? 

One Minute Later...

THEM: You hungry? You want something? Get a burger. 

Rinse/repeat. Eventually we get food for them in exchange for eating their tater tots. The day is over around 2pm. We head back to Janice and Chuck's place, enjoying the ride along the beach. Lindsey spots a dolphin skull for her collection of dead things. It’s still got teeth and some flesh on it, we’re sure Gabby would love to eat. It also smells aReal bad.

We hang out, decide to walk along the beach. I zone out, walk way down. Reminded of my beach house summers on Lawng Island. I find shells and a seal carcass. Then walk back. 

Tengo hombre (I have hunger). Pee - and my urine is bright yellow. Weird, I've been drinking ALL day and yet somehow I'm dehydrated. There's gotta be some water in those jello shots, right? Joe drives us all back, a little wonky at times. Thankfully there are no DUI checkpoints on the actual roads. Clean up quick at home. Tired. Get veggie pizza which is really damn good. Joe and Lindsey slow dance for a song. Liz and I recount the night before. Bubba says hi.

Head home and fantasize about watching Chopped, doing nails, face masks, basically having a girly night. Talking about boys and novios!! Todos novios! Joe falls asleep right away. We go to the roof to check out the stars and the huge, yellow moon. Making weird noises like a-holes and I wonder what Lindsey thinks as she can probs hear us from a distance as she walks Chewy. I take a shower and comb out my hippy hair (thick, verge of dreads from the dust, in the night light looks kinda grey).

We both wind up rocking a mud mask. 

My skin is so dry. Damn you, desert! I put basically everything Lindsey has in her bathroom drawers labeled "moisturizer" on my face. Then try Liz's coconut oil. We half watch Chopped as we type out our days.  But do pause enough to see judge Alex Guarnaschelli announced: terrible hair, forgettable looks, and an awkward smile. It's like she's trying to trick us into thinking she has a heart. But I'm not buying it. 

 

Baja Day 7... I think.

Thanks to the power being out and the generous poolside margaritas from our various novios, Liz and I still have no idea what day or time it is. And you know what? We don’t care. We wake up in the morning knowing Baja Joe invited some neighbors over for tea and coffee except the electric is still out so no coffee. Oopps. Shit happens when you're drunk. Liz and I go for a warm up jog and find James's place so Liz can get the sourdough starter he claims is 100 years old. But sad story - he aint' home. So close!! We return to Baja Joe and Lindsey's and exercise with rocks - the free-weights of champions.

Then we head down to the pool by 11am to sign up. According to Uncle Mike's forecast the night before, today by the pools was “gonna be mobbed." Well it’s not, and he’s a no show to kick our asses as he claimed he would. He's 0-2. Liz and I both sign up and trade places by the laptops to play. Team 2 and Team 3 represent! My team sucks for a bit. It’s windy so we are freezing. 

JJ is there and a tad bit insecure. He's convinced I somehow hate him because I didn't say hello. But that's hard to do when I don't see you. Newcomer Dustin arrives(Devan's bro, Dawnette's son, and eventually Liz's hero - wait for it).

He and I bond over tv/film/snowboarding/injuries. Hollywood Ron shares more delish tequila. And I’m drunk by 2pm. Baja Joe shows up to pick us up as we forgot he was our ride - the pool is a total time suck in the best way imaginable. He chats with Liz in the hot tub and leaves. He’ll be back by 4:30pm. But then JJ gives us a ride by 4pm. We hope to see Joe along the way but don't. We get to the house, Joe’s still out. Liz and I shower quick. JJ says we smell like girls, but really we just smell like clean.

We drive back to the pool hoping to find Joe. No dice. This is what happens without cell phones. And people did this for centuries? JJ has to check in with his mom for the resort house business. He takes some of her booze (as per usual). She sees and just frowns (as per usual). She tells him before he can go to the pool party fun he has to get milk. He drops us off at said pool party fun. Says he’ll be back in a bit. 

We meet up with Dustin, Dawnette, and Rosio/Rosario/Rosia? (We couldn't remember). Bocce ball happens. Dustin and I are a team. JJ is a no show so Liz teams with Hollywood Ron (who keeps telling us how he owns a bocce ball court). They expect a win, but they lose, and he blames Liz. She sees him get legit mad for a hot minute: "oh he don’t like me no more." Dustin and I destroy a family. See below: 

"Squat all you want, Dad, you're going down!" But our hubris gets the better of us. The next game we tie break and lose by an inch to Debbie and her (chump/not chump) husband. Shenanigans! How will we cope with this upset? What's that? Dustin is friends with the bartender who will hook us up with dollar/free margaritas?! Yes, please. I party foul. How will I ever get another one?

Travis and Sean show up, crashing the party. Liz and I yell out in surprise: "Travis and Sean!" Dawnette is stoked to see them too: "TRAVIS AND SEAN!" Her enthusiasm makes Liz and I ask how she knows them. She doesn't. Meh. All good. Liz is starving. I bait Dustin by saying "You know who likes guagamole? Liz." and "Do they serve chips here?" He doesn’t pick up what I'm throwing down. Squawks! But Rocio does (that's her actual name but Rosio was close, right?). We all go to eat.

We go to Andre’s aka where Liz and I were on night one, totes barracha (drunk) with Baja Joe and Lindsey. As we walk in Liz and I hypothetically discuss which of the boys we’d make out with if the opportunity presented itself. Gotta be prepared. Back to the food: I get the recommended "Volcano" aka a goblet full of deliciousness. 

I ate it all. As well as all the chips. It's only a matter of time before the diabetes kicks in. We get margaritas and green burritos. Liz actually takes pictures of people eating together – not just the food. Wha!? Su novios… 

We head over to the Jolly Mon bar. "Da Jolly Mon!" (to be said in the worst of Jamaican accents). 

According to the sign, you are not allowed to smoke.

Never. EVER. Seriously, you guys. 

By the grace of God it's Karaoke Night and Bubba (the best/only DJ in town) is there. Score. Liz keeps drinking, I start downing water. We are asked to dance by old men. Sure thang! We rock it out, and out dance them. Liz later says -  the amount we work out, we better be able to out dance them. Dawnette falls in love with our moves yelling over the 90s beats that "you’re incredible!" Dawnette's actual novio Robbie (who works at the resort) sings "Shot through the Heart," I back him up with interpretive dance moves. I mean, someone had to do it. I take many videos of Liz dancing with old men and new friends. At one point she’s with an old guy who takes off his hat. Travis comments how he was thinking the old guy was gonna put it on Liz’s head but that she’s probably not interested. I correct him saying hells no, she def wants to wear it. She then puts on his hat. I win!

Sean and Travis try to request songs Bubba doesn’t have them or just pretends not too because they aren’t cute girls. Liz asks Bubba what a good song to do is – he can’t think of any. We start to realize Bubba may not be the best DJ around. Karaoke Liz and Dustin attempt "Sweet Caroline." It's not their best, so Robbie who turns out is a Neil Diamond impersonator swoops in to save the day. Liz lets her bicept sing instead. Here's a picture of NOT Liz, but it is accurately blurry.

Devan shows up with some new friends - Ramon and Shea aka the toothless wonder. He got the nickname because he came down to Mexico to get his teeth done as it's wicked cheap. Then got into a fight back in the US where he got his new shiny teeth knocked out so he had to come back to Mexivo to get it done again. Classy. We dance, the kids grind a bit. We all circle up, bust out the sprinkler, running man, cabbage patch, the dad dance (you know it). We get hot and take breaks. I order more water, but then a song comes on I like, I keep dancing, I return, my water is pretty much gone. I feel like I keep ordering ALL the water and am convinced the bartender is thinking --- "damn gurl."

We close the place down. Our ride left so we bat our eyes and ask one of our many novios to take us home. Travis and Sean won’t be staying in town thanks to the warmer from Rosa – I’m Mexican and I won’t even go there. You’ll get robbed and as a woman groped. Dustin tells them to camp out in front of theit house. They will. The lights go out outside, they are kicking us out. It’s only 11:45pm. We fill Travis and Sean’s car, Dustin in the back. They drop us off, then Dustin can take them back. None of our novios give us alcohol.

We sneak in around midnight, we gotta get up at 5:30am for the Poker Run. Ouch. Thankfully the bed was already made for us - clutch move by Lindsey. But there’s this weird thing happening, my skin is tanned/burnt and getting dry patches on my face. My skin feels tight and when use moisturizer it stings: Not great.