Wednesday, May 04, 2005

I'm going to attempt to appease all with the following essay. Read the comments from the last post before proceeding.

My Essay about Some Stuff in Life

From what I skimmed over from a website that came up after I googled "Hemingway 'A close" (I didn't feel like typing the whole title), it seems the poem described a conversation between two guys. One of which is old, the other is a waiter. Here check it out:

"Last week he tried to commit suicide," one waiter said.

Jee, thanks Debby Downer. Though I didn't bother to read much of it I think it would be way better if the two guys talked about something else or didn't really talk at all. How about this...

The waiter hands the old guy a check for his meal.
The old dude is nodding off.
The waiter nudges him.
The old guy farts kinda loud but can't hear it because his hearing aid is down.
The waiter doesn't breathe in as he walks away.

I dunno about you but that is way better. As for this guy Samuel Johnson, his name is pretty close to Samuel L Jackson. So once this story gets adapted into a script I think we can cast him as the old guy. But I bet he won't want to be the old guy because he wants to be hip so I'll let him be the waiter and the old guy can get played by Hugh Downs, previously seen on 20/20 because I think America would like to see him again, it's been awhile.

You know I bet he knows something about James Joyce and this thing he wrote called "Araby." Hugh was always full of worldy knowledge. Also I think he could school Barbara Walters any day. I dunno if she still does 20/20. I havent seen it in years because its on the same time as Fear Factor. However, if she did leave, I think the producers at ABC should get together and get a reunion royal together. Walters vs. Downs. They could arm wrestle, or see who can eat applesauce the fastest, or have a dizzy bat race. I bet ratings would soar.

So as for others literary things, I remember reading Green Eggs and Ham in elementary school. I probably read Run Spot Run since I vaguely remember it was about a dog but other than that I think that book sucked. Plus there are tons of books about dogs already, so not original. But I'll tell you who is unique, Dr. Suess (and that fool isn't even a doctor). I can totally quote Green Eggs and Ham without google. Check it out:

"'Hey you want some green eggs and ham?' said this guy.

'No I will not eat them with a fox, I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them here or there I will not eat them anywhere. But I'll never turn down a tuna melt because those are pretty awesome,' said the other guy in the book."

I think this book is the best because I got to make up some other lines in it. I'm pretty sure the use of the ever so popular deli delight combination of tuna, cheese, and toasted bread is accessable to most people since just about everyone has probably tried it at some point. If you don't like tuna then maybe you aren't a person. You could be a robot. Though I have no proof that robots can't eat tuna fish, if I recall a scene from A.I. by Steven Spielberg correctly that kid who was a robot couldn't eat anything because, well I dunno why. I think the dad in the scene said he would short circut or something. But no matter how hard that kid tried to be a real boy he couldn't. So sorry robots, there is no hope.

This makes me wonder if there are people in the world who are actual people but wish they could become an emotionless robot. One way they might try to turn themselves into a machine could be listening to Mr. Roboto and doing the robot move where you walk all stiff. It's pretty popular to freeze your whole body and just move one arm.
If this is too hard to understand you could look into getting a helper monkey. I'm sure this friendly critter could help you look it up online because monkeys are pretty smart. You know, most people don't realize we actually came from monkeys. But I do because I'm smart thanks to the keen reporting of Hugh Downs. Man, that guy was awesome. I really hope he isn't dead. That would suck.

In conclusion, literature isn't as good as television. Lots of people own TVs, almost no one owns books. In fact one may say that books are the tools of the devil and I'd have to agree. Education is important and all but so is Must See TV which hasn't been as good since Friends left but that Joey, oh man, he's hilarious and he's totally making lots of money and I bet he doesn't even know what a book is. So there.