Baja Day 9 - Easter!

We wake up to discover Baja Joe has "vertigo" - wink, wink.  It can happen when you spend the previous day drinking tequila, but we let him call it whatever he wanted.  So we slowly and quietly crept around the house.  Naturally, Liz broke a glass.  There was a SMASH! Followed by:  "Happy Easter! OPA! ... it's a Greek thing."

We then made wildly inappropriate jokes about Easter morning being the day that Jesus woke up from his previous night of a drunken stupor and being all -- "HA, HA!   Very funny disciples.  I get it, you're hilarious!  Now get me down from here..."  Too soon?

Liz goes off and runs about 3 miles down to the gate of the complex while I jump around doing some plyometrics on the roof.  I got sweaty but you could barely notice since the sweat was evaporated almost immediately.  Didn't even need a shower after the workout.  I mean, we're going to the pool so that's like a giant bathtub, right?

At the pool, I do some “work."  Turns out I have a lot more Groupon emails than messages from actual people.  But the internet sucks and takes forever to load so I can't even enjoy reading about the deal I will never buy for "Sheer Bliss."  SQUAWKS!

All the novios (and novias!) come by asking where we were yesterday, they all tried to find us.   Lies, you did not.  But in their defense it's hard to get a hold of anyone when no one has a cell phone.   Liz and I really enjoy rotating our adventures between the retired kids and the young folks, plus it makes the demand for us higher.  We are movers and shakers, can't nobody hold us down.

Turns out we didn’t miss the blind v-ball yesterday like we thought they did.  This is when they wrap a huge taped together garbage bag over the net so you can't see anything.  It's pretty awesome.  Dustin buys us $1 margaritas.  Liz asks if I'm almost done.  Then I close my laptop.  "Yep."  She wasn’t prepared it would be THAT quick.   We bring our stuff over to our novios.

They offer their beach chairs since they are playing v-ball.  We tan (Liz wanted to work on getting SOME color).   I am paranoid and keep putting on moisturizer and shade my super dry face with a hat.  Dustin keeps buying Liz margaritas and she keeps drinking them.  She’s convinced she’s only had 3 (really at least 5) and "HOW am I so drunk?  I  am tanked.   How did this happen?   I didn’t intend to get so drunk.  Are you drinking?  Don’t tell me I’m the only one..."  We lay out, she can’t get over how hot it is.  "How do girls do this?!"  Dustin tells her she’s his hero.   She spills another drink.   Hangs her head in shame.   She gets another one.

   

We play soccer aka juggle between each other with a random soccer ball I found under the tables.  The guys play v-ball and some kind of poker game with Dawnett (who missed us too). She’s now BFFs with Sean and Travis.  And they are gonna get hooked up with a resort condo that Dawnette manages for at least a night.  You’re welcome.

Done with all her drinks Liz finds more free drink coupons from a couple nights ago and tries to use it on Junior.  He doesn’t take the bait.  She tries to sweet talk them in Spanish by saying her bday is soon (April 18th).   Except she says "It’s on the 80^th of April!"  They laugh at her.  Oh really?  They correct her – "18" in spanish is "diez y ocho."  Damn!  Then she has to buy her own drink.   Gross.

Liz plays really well for how drunk she is.  You’d never know it.  We get a couple of good volleys going.  The ball lands dangerously close to her margaritas.  We keep moving it around but it keeps almost getting hit.  We try to keep the ball in the air, "Keep bouncing!"  We get so into it in our bathing suits (super sexy), she dives to get it, and falls.  We laugh, I go over to her and discover her one boob is almost popping out.  I tuck it back in.  She laughs, hoping no one saw.  We doubt anyone did and take that as a cue to stop.  She goes to finish her margarita: "How am I so drunk?"  I tell her all the drinks probably had something to do with it.  And then fill her cup with water.  Then I film her so she’ll have some idea of what happened the next day.  Like her party foul...

Later, she passes out on the chair.  Then thinks everyone is mad at her when she wakes up because they aren’t there. "Dawnette is mad at me."  I mess with her,  "Yeah, cause you fell asleep.  She was like 'Liz is THE WORST.'"

We told Lindsey we promised no boys would drop us off.  But then Travis and Sean are there, a few drinks in, they offer to give us a ride.  I call Lindsey and leave a message breaking that promise.   We go to the house around 4ish.   Liz and I change and take turns showering.  Lindsey meets the guys.  Liz is calmer, polite, sweet -- I figure her buzz wore off.  We finish off the tequila from Ron and leave.  As soon as we’re in the car Liz goes "I’m still drunk.  I just held it back because I didn’t want Lindsey to think less of me, because I love her."

We go back to the condos.  Dawnette is cooking brinner (breakfast for dinner) aka the best idea ever.  We eat some easy-to-grab kiwi and strawberries.  We dangerously eye the French toast.  Time to go.  Robbie tells us to go to La Vequita and ask for Sergio, he’s the owner and will hook us up.

We drive into town.

Liz calls a truck full of Mexicans her "nuevo novios." They aren’t amused.  We blast Mexican music, windows down.  Gringos in the house!  We were told downtown would be CRAZY.  We park, walk around, it’s not crazy at all.  Just kinda blurry.  

We walk around and find the place.  It’s not open for another 30 mins because of Easter they were crazy all day.  And Sergio isn’t there.  Damn.  OK, we’ll be back.  We go for a walk.  Liz keeps Alexis (her bitchy stomach) in check.  We walk the strand.  It's getting crowded with people and food vendors.  Sean says if we get lost meet at the Taco Factory.  Thanks, Dad.

We don’t see anything else we want to eat, though I temp liz with street corn.  She doesn’t bite.  We head back over, I give Liz a piggy back ride until she says "AW SQUAKS" (aka my kryptonite) and I double over.  We get inside, Sergio is there now.  Hizzah!  Free shrimp!

The waiter Fransico is so nice he introduces himself and shakes all our hands.  Liz notices the only thing she can really eat without meat or fish is guagamole.  Ooops, sorry.  But she does eat fish when she’s drunk enough and she’s been drunk pretty much ALL day.  A regular tells us all the great things to try.   The boys order us margaritas.  NOW they are trying to get in our pants?  Travis and I split the foil fish that comes with tortillas.  Liz orders the garlic fish.  I had food envy.

Sean orders something that maybe came with pesto?  We'll need Chloe from 24's CTU unit to enhance the blurry photo.  (you're welcome for the pop culture reference).

We eat and exchange ex stories.  Travis has the crazies flock to him/white trash (she moved in because her place had fleas).  And Sean tends to get the rich bitches (she made like $500 a night as a coctail waitress). Food comes, it’s the best meal we’ve eaten.  Liz and I use our earning from “washing windows” to help pay for it.

We leave, Sean asks Liz why she doesn’t eat meat.  We get into a real chat about sustainability.  It get paused when we passed a vendor with a GIANT pair of women’s underwear.  Picture.

Get back on soap boxes.  We drive and remember the ice cream place “Blueberry” we didn’t go to the first night instead went to what Liz calls “Hefty” but is really called Thrifty.  "Same thing."  We get there, it’s like a house with ice cream freezers.  We get samples.  Best part: she let me do my own sample and scoop myself.  Best place ever!  The boys both get strawberry cheesecake, Liz and I take a couple of samples, to make sure we got the right flavor.  She gets cookies and cream.  I go for mystery flavor.  We eat.   Liz finishes first and heckles us in order to cope with her food envy.  Deal with it! 

We go back to the condo where a Spanish speaking guard let's us through.  It's his sole job to lift a lever, a task assigned to machines in the United States.  This poor man doesn't speak a lick of English and all these whities always be coming through making him work and trying to speak our limited Spanish to him.  Even when you say things slowly it really doesn't matter as his response is always "si, si. OK, OK."  So when we accidentally loop around to him again when trying to exit and Travis explains how he missed the turn, the guy doesn’t understand.  So we joke about Travis telling him, "Sorry man, I had a lot of ice cream."  The man’s response being “si, si. Ok ok.”  Like he knows how that goes.  We crack up.  Sean tries to tell us stuff, we interrupt him and/or allow him to come off like he KNOWS EVERYTHING.  We spot a rabbit.  Cue Sean: "It’s a jack rabbit actually."  We get him to crack up so hard it becomes the wheezing laugh into a cough.  Good times.

We park and walk along the beach.  No one is there.  Except this wolf howling at the moon.

There’s a camp fire in the distance and we yearn for their hypothetical s'mores.  We walk nearby, they are speaking Spanish and looks like a family, they probs don’t have s'mores.  We abandon it.  And head back toward a makeshift/traveling lifeguard tower.  We climb up (gotta make an animal sound.) We make fun of Liz’s apathetic donkey.  Shenanigans ensue.

We see someone approaching.  It’s a woman.  Travis gets down and hears her crying.  We all follow. She’s around our age, ripped t-shirt, a hot mess of tears smearing her makeup.  Travis asks what’s wrong, but she doesn’t speak a lot of English.  He comforts her, she hugs him.  We all look at each other, "What’s happening?"  The four of us chat with her in broken Spanish.  Here's what the four of us guessed from our collective knowledge of Spanish:

1. Her novio hit her
2. They were drinking
3. She was staying with him and his family
4.  They are supposed to leave tomorrow AM.

We aren’t sure what to do or if that’s really what’s happening.  So we walk over to the family without the s'more campfire and ask for their help.

They speak to her in Spanish.  We politely eavesdrop.  It’s pretty much what we thought.  Shit’s getting real.  No one is really sure what to do.  Her face is a bit swollen – she makes us feel it.  The family offer us clams which they are cooking on the campfire, they got them that day.  We take them up on it, I mean, "when in Rome" right?   They are awesome especially with a bit of lime, then hot sauce.  OMG, heaven!  We eat a few more.  Trying not to get too excited over the food since there's a recently battered women at our side.

A man wonders onto the beach named Caesar.  It’s the boyfriends dad, they talk in Spanish telling him what happened.  He says they were drinking all day.  We discover her name is Wendy.  She sits there.  The nice family tries to ask her where her family is in Mexicali because they are leaving tomorrow too (implied they can take her back), she asks them where they live and then she’ll tell them.  It's weird. She winds up leaving with Caesar, who had no idea his son hit her.  She says her thanks and slinks away.  Well... that as a buzz kill/Debbie downer.  We eat more of their clams, then peace out.

They drive us back to the house. We have to oldschool figure out plans for tomorrow.  They might try to stop by in the afternoon.  We go in to find Chewy "waiting up" for us.  On our bed. 

Liz and I are jonsing for some Chopped, it’s like 12:30am on Easter and there's nothing good on TV - WTF?  It's like they want us to spend the holiday engaged with our friends and family: lame.  So we settle and catch the end of Cupcake Wars.  Want to eat cupcakes.  Then watch a Jillian Michael’s workout infomercial:  "Man, her abs are crazy!"

It’s starts to loop, we’ve seen all these clips already.  We fight the sleep.  And I can’t get over how dry my skin still is.  I try pretty much everything readily available in the bathroom, it’s stinging now.  Super.

Second Intermission

Alas, work is busy once more. But I did find this treat to help quell your appetite for more Baja adventures. This little ditty comes all the way from 2001, when a young Colleen found herself incredibly frustrated in her chemistry class. She took matters into her own hands to find out if the pen was truly mightier than the sword...

As of 2012, I am still waiting for it to be outlawed. 

Baja Day 8

The one good thing about waking up way too GD early in the morning in Baja is catching the sunrise. We get up at 5:30am for The Poker Run. Don't be fooled, even though the word "run" is in the title, there will be no running. (NOTE: Here in Baja a "run" usually refers to going for a ride in the giant adult go-carts called Sand Rails. This run involves getting some poker cards and then going to MASH-like themed check points along the dirt course). We roll out aka nap in the sand rail despite how loud it is. Any guys who wave back to us are our novios: in a boat, truck, kids on the street. Don’t matter. Todos novios! We wake up for donuts.

Yes, please. We eat a piece of each one at Janice and Chuck’s house, where upon spotting a shake weight, Janice gives us a tutorial. But we know all about it (and the SNL parody - photo below). We try not to laugh as she demonstrates, and fail miserably. 

They start drinking early. 7:50am jello shots? Ouch. We are in for a LOOOONG day.

We get to the beginning checkpoint, 1.5 hours early. Baja Joe, you so crazy. We feel like we should mess with him but never think of anything good to do. Instead, we get a crappy hand at poker, I get nothing, Liz gets a pair of 8s. Spoiler Alert: she doesn't win. Also a lady is giving out deviled eggs for FREE. I’m all over it. She needs help getting rid of them. Oh? We bait her to offer us to take more than one. No dice.

We nap, our crew of people take pictures of the young kids falling asleep in the super not comfortable plastic lawn chairs. I feel my mouth opening as I drift off but don’t care. We clarify that we were out late and up early. The old folks keep drinking. 

There are announcements about police DUI check points. Don’t go too fast. Is this happening? Way to downplay drunk driving. We talk about wanting to ride someone's ATV. Liz and I assure each other we will make it happen: "Totes, gotta, nailed it, slam dunk, ace, own it, check it. Done. Check." 

Clearly we are delirious.

The run starts. I begin to wake up. Liz and I find ways to amuse ourselves. We bait Lindsey into using her default phrase: "I don’t know" Or “haven’t a clue" with her innocent inflection. But to get her to say it we have to find the right question. Liz asks "What’s the furthest planet from us?" She doesn’t take the bait. Instead she asks others. Liz and I sigh. Double fail: she didn’t say it and now we are a part of a convo we have no interest in. We try again, "Hey Linds, what proof is this alcohol?" Without hesitation she answers: " 200."  Damn! I ask her what type of chile is on her handkerchief, she says red pepper. Damn. But then follows up with "I think. I don’t know." YES! We start laughing. She doesn’t get it. Realizes it’s some kind of private joke. We’re punch drunk and keep laughing.

We take pictures of each set up. 

We ask Lindsey "What’s in the jungle juice?" Lindsey: "I don’t know." She shoots and scores! We crack up. She says it again, we convulse into fits of laughter. She’s onto us. "Is that it?" We admit, yes. We love it. We spend the rest of the day baiting her. She even turns it around on me.  Asking me what flavor jello shots were left. Not thinking I say, "I don't know." And she starts to smile. She totally got me. Well played.

More jello shots. 

We make ridiculous noises. "Aw, Squawks! Ey! EYY!" Mumbling crazy shit and cracking each other up. I love the craziness, Liz loves making me feel crazy. Aren't we just a pair? Joe feeds us jello shots. We take stupid pictures with props. You have to go vote on which one was the best. We vote for three: they had snacks. No photo ops, doesn’t matter. Snacks win every time. 

We meet these twins from Chicago who upon us telling them we’re from NY say "Oh yeah I could tell. I could hear it." Oh really? Because literally everyone we meet comments on how we DON'T have an accent. They overuse the word phenomenal. They are throwing a party later that’s "gonna be fucking stupid." They drop F-bombs galore. We eat the last of the jello shot shooters. Doesn’t taste great but eat them anyway. We go to head back. Lindsey says we missed out on cranberry cookies. We ask "Wait. What kind of cookie?" She thinks we’re messing we her. But no, we don’t mess around when it comes to food, especially dessert. Now describe it! Carol says she has some shortbread ones left. SCORE!!

We head back to home base, haplessly sticking our arms out the sand rail - casting shadow puppets and of course the finger. Napping a bit. Get to lunch, they only have burgers advertised as a mix of McDonalds, Burger King, and Jack in the box. Cue my sarcastic: "Great." You get food through a ticket system: 1 cheeseburger or 2 hot dogs for 6 tickets. We have 4 left (we might have spent them on booze) but figure we’re not getting the burger, we’re gonna eat salads and maybe some fries since they ran out of tater tots (#unacceptable). Turns out a salad made of lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, sweet radish, mustard, salt/pepper is surprisingly really good. We BS with people who keep trying to give us their tickets. 

THEM: Get a burger. 

US: We don’t eat meat. 

THEM: Oh. Why not? 

One Minute Later...

THEM: You hungry? You want something? Get a burger. 

Rinse/repeat. Eventually we get food for them in exchange for eating their tater tots. The day is over around 2pm. We head back to Janice and Chuck's place, enjoying the ride along the beach. Lindsey spots a dolphin skull for her collection of dead things. It’s still got teeth and some flesh on it, we’re sure Gabby would love to eat. It also smells aReal bad.

We hang out, decide to walk along the beach. I zone out, walk way down. Reminded of my beach house summers on Lawng Island. I find shells and a seal carcass. Then walk back. 

Tengo hombre (I have hunger). Pee - and my urine is bright yellow. Weird, I've been drinking ALL day and yet somehow I'm dehydrated. There's gotta be some water in those jello shots, right? Joe drives us all back, a little wonky at times. Thankfully there are no DUI checkpoints on the actual roads. Clean up quick at home. Tired. Get veggie pizza which is really damn good. Joe and Lindsey slow dance for a song. Liz and I recount the night before. Bubba says hi.

Head home and fantasize about watching Chopped, doing nails, face masks, basically having a girly night. Talking about boys and novios!! Todos novios! Joe falls asleep right away. We go to the roof to check out the stars and the huge, yellow moon. Making weird noises like a-holes and I wonder what Lindsey thinks as she can probs hear us from a distance as she walks Chewy. I take a shower and comb out my hippy hair (thick, verge of dreads from the dust, in the night light looks kinda grey).

We both wind up rocking a mud mask. 

My skin is so dry. Damn you, desert! I put basically everything Lindsey has in her bathroom drawers labeled "moisturizer" on my face. Then try Liz's coconut oil. We half watch Chopped as we type out our days.  But do pause enough to see judge Alex Guarnaschelli announced: terrible hair, forgettable looks, and an awkward smile. It's like she's trying to trick us into thinking she has a heart. But I'm not buying it. 

 

Baja Day 7... I think.

Thanks to the power being out and the generous poolside margaritas from our various novios, Liz and I still have no idea what day or time it is. And you know what? We don’t care. We wake up in the morning knowing Baja Joe invited some neighbors over for tea and coffee except the electric is still out so no coffee. Oopps. Shit happens when you're drunk. Liz and I go for a warm up jog and find James's place so Liz can get the sourdough starter he claims is 100 years old. But sad story - he aint' home. So close!! We return to Baja Joe and Lindsey's and exercise with rocks - the free-weights of champions.

Then we head down to the pool by 11am to sign up. According to Uncle Mike's forecast the night before, today by the pools was “gonna be mobbed." Well it’s not, and he’s a no show to kick our asses as he claimed he would. He's 0-2. Liz and I both sign up and trade places by the laptops to play. Team 2 and Team 3 represent! My team sucks for a bit. It’s windy so we are freezing. 

JJ is there and a tad bit insecure. He's convinced I somehow hate him because I didn't say hello. But that's hard to do when I don't see you. Newcomer Dustin arrives(Devan's bro, Dawnette's son, and eventually Liz's hero - wait for it).

He and I bond over tv/film/snowboarding/injuries. Hollywood Ron shares more delish tequila. And I’m drunk by 2pm. Baja Joe shows up to pick us up as we forgot he was our ride - the pool is a total time suck in the best way imaginable. He chats with Liz in the hot tub and leaves. He’ll be back by 4:30pm. But then JJ gives us a ride by 4pm. We hope to see Joe along the way but don't. We get to the house, Joe’s still out. Liz and I shower quick. JJ says we smell like girls, but really we just smell like clean.

We drive back to the pool hoping to find Joe. No dice. This is what happens without cell phones. And people did this for centuries? JJ has to check in with his mom for the resort house business. He takes some of her booze (as per usual). She sees and just frowns (as per usual). She tells him before he can go to the pool party fun he has to get milk. He drops us off at said pool party fun. Says he’ll be back in a bit. 

We meet up with Dustin, Dawnette, and Rosio/Rosario/Rosia? (We couldn't remember). Bocce ball happens. Dustin and I are a team. JJ is a no show so Liz teams with Hollywood Ron (who keeps telling us how he owns a bocce ball court). They expect a win, but they lose, and he blames Liz. She sees him get legit mad for a hot minute: "oh he don’t like me no more." Dustin and I destroy a family. See below: 

"Squat all you want, Dad, you're going down!" But our hubris gets the better of us. The next game we tie break and lose by an inch to Debbie and her (chump/not chump) husband. Shenanigans! How will we cope with this upset? What's that? Dustin is friends with the bartender who will hook us up with dollar/free margaritas?! Yes, please. I party foul. How will I ever get another one?

Travis and Sean show up, crashing the party. Liz and I yell out in surprise: "Travis and Sean!" Dawnette is stoked to see them too: "TRAVIS AND SEAN!" Her enthusiasm makes Liz and I ask how she knows them. She doesn't. Meh. All good. Liz is starving. I bait Dustin by saying "You know who likes guagamole? Liz." and "Do they serve chips here?" He doesn’t pick up what I'm throwing down. Squawks! But Rocio does (that's her actual name but Rosio was close, right?). We all go to eat.

We go to Andre’s aka where Liz and I were on night one, totes barracha (drunk) with Baja Joe and Lindsey. As we walk in Liz and I hypothetically discuss which of the boys we’d make out with if the opportunity presented itself. Gotta be prepared. Back to the food: I get the recommended "Volcano" aka a goblet full of deliciousness. 

I ate it all. As well as all the chips. It's only a matter of time before the diabetes kicks in. We get margaritas and green burritos. Liz actually takes pictures of people eating together – not just the food. Wha!? Su novios… 

We head over to the Jolly Mon bar. "Da Jolly Mon!" (to be said in the worst of Jamaican accents). 

According to the sign, you are not allowed to smoke.

Never. EVER. Seriously, you guys. 

By the grace of God it's Karaoke Night and Bubba (the best/only DJ in town) is there. Score. Liz keeps drinking, I start downing water. We are asked to dance by old men. Sure thang! We rock it out, and out dance them. Liz later says -  the amount we work out, we better be able to out dance them. Dawnette falls in love with our moves yelling over the 90s beats that "you’re incredible!" Dawnette's actual novio Robbie (who works at the resort) sings "Shot through the Heart," I back him up with interpretive dance moves. I mean, someone had to do it. I take many videos of Liz dancing with old men and new friends. At one point she’s with an old guy who takes off his hat. Travis comments how he was thinking the old guy was gonna put it on Liz’s head but that she’s probably not interested. I correct him saying hells no, she def wants to wear it. She then puts on his hat. I win!

Sean and Travis try to request songs Bubba doesn’t have them or just pretends not too because they aren’t cute girls. Liz asks Bubba what a good song to do is – he can’t think of any. We start to realize Bubba may not be the best DJ around. Karaoke Liz and Dustin attempt "Sweet Caroline." It's not their best, so Robbie who turns out is a Neil Diamond impersonator swoops in to save the day. Liz lets her bicept sing instead. Here's a picture of NOT Liz, but it is accurately blurry.

Devan shows up with some new friends - Ramon and Shea aka the toothless wonder. He got the nickname because he came down to Mexico to get his teeth done as it's wicked cheap. Then got into a fight back in the US where he got his new shiny teeth knocked out so he had to come back to Mexivo to get it done again. Classy. We dance, the kids grind a bit. We all circle up, bust out the sprinkler, running man, cabbage patch, the dad dance (you know it). We get hot and take breaks. I order more water, but then a song comes on I like, I keep dancing, I return, my water is pretty much gone. I feel like I keep ordering ALL the water and am convinced the bartender is thinking --- "damn gurl."

We close the place down. Our ride left so we bat our eyes and ask one of our many novios to take us home. Travis and Sean won’t be staying in town thanks to the warmer from Rosa – I’m Mexican and I won’t even go there. You’ll get robbed and as a woman groped. Dustin tells them to camp out in front of theit house. They will. The lights go out outside, they are kicking us out. It’s only 11:45pm. We fill Travis and Sean’s car, Dustin in the back. They drop us off, then Dustin can take them back. None of our novios give us alcohol.

We sneak in around midnight, we gotta get up at 5:30am for the Poker Run. Ouch. Thankfully the bed was already made for us - clutch move by Lindsey. But there’s this weird thing happening, my skin is tanned/burnt and getting dry patches on my face. My skin feels tight and when use moisturizer it stings: Not great. 

INTERMISSION

Here's the bad news: you probably realized I stopped posting about Mexico. Fear not, I wasn't hunted by the cartel and then dragged back across the border for accidentally interrupting a major drug deal a la some zankey comedy movie starring Steve Martin that I would NEVER pay to see. The reason why is the good news: I gots me a job as a writer assistant for a new animated show. Meaning pretty much all day I'm typing at a computer so the last thing I really want to do when I come home is keep doing that. So now I'm convincing myself I don't have time to finish my Mexico trip full of more LONG posts and pictures. 

I will get to it. In the meantime please enjoy some over-priced refreshments. 

Baja Day 6

Up and running – go on mini warm up jog. Play little soccer, do body weighted work outs on the roof. Sweat like crazy just doing yoga. Try to keep up with Liz, she’s like a machine that keeps going. Try to remember other P90X routines. Do a ton of pushups on my knees in order to do more of them. Stretch forever. At one point I wonder if the two of us are having a silent competition to see who stops first.

Don’t eat too much for breakfast or as Lindsey says "brekkie" because we have a BBQ party around the block at 1pm where I plan to stuff my face. We shower – after three days my hair is like a rat nest. I shampoo and condition the shit out of it so it feels normal again. Then it's BBQ time!

Get there, go straight to tequila set up. 

Sample a few. Goldilocks it up: this one's too strong, this one's kinda gross, but this tequila liquor is just right. Especially with a chaser of SKYY. Get buzzed on one small sipping shot.

Meet a bunch of people. Some I met before who remember me but I forget them. They call me out on it. Oops. Meet Dave (who we decide to call Uncle Mike) he used to grow weed. I ask him all kinds of questions, he wonders if I’m with the 5-0. Only busted once in 20 years, not bad. Distributor middle man, now into solar power. His house is solar, his stove is solar, his golf cart is solar WITH built in speakers playing - you guessed it, Jimmy Buffet. I plan to take it for a joy ride later.

Meet Karen - an overweight SUPER hammered lady who tells us to marry a guy like her husband Tom (who I rocked vball with). She also has a chair with her name written on it like it belongs to a kindergardener. Imagine the slurring of someone claiming their seat as "Karen's chair!"

I help cut up shrimp with Linda and Gary who have watched Liz and I jog past their house each morning. Learn that you gotta cut the back of the shrimp to clean out the vein full of sand - take that Alton Brown! 

Try clams with hot sauce, lime, touch of tequila = delish. Eat a bunch of fish. Homemade goodies – mixed salads, veggies, brown rice pudding, the best salsa no one was aware of so Liz and I hoard it. “Picnic cake” aka lemon and chocolate with carmel icing with butterscotch chips. More drinks. Home brewed beer that gives Liz heartburn but "it’s so worth it." Here's a pic of our good eats. 

Chuck gives us a tequila lesson. We almost pass out. We are a disgrace to our age group as the 60+ retired party animals keep going. (Please notice the novelty blanket with our host's face on it)

We BS on the roof. Take a group picture, and avoid being in the sun. Instruments are broken out. Liz and I join a band. I play the washtub bass so well I get a blood blister from “slappin’ da bass.” 

Liz goes next, the song is far too long. She wants to stop but no one let's her so she powers through. 

I rock a camouflaged egg shaker, then tambourine. Uncle Mike rocks the harmonica. It might have been the booze but it was engrossing. The following photo is accurately blurry.

Lindsey sits playing the mini drum, like a good little hippie. We call ourselves Solar Power (fist with a sun, or a fist holding a guitar and the sun in the background - just a few ideas for a logo). Dave is all about it, then doesn’t like it. We play with alliteration. Baja boob babes band. He’s amused. And drunk. Baja Joe gets his happy laugh on. Liz and I talk about how much we love Lindsey’s accent. 

Then true to my plan, I steal Unkle Mike’s solar powered ride. No one cares I’m stealing it. They're more concerned I am taking the music with me. He tells us to just not crash it. We joy ride to “I Shot the Sheriff.” 

We return to Karen chair dancing. It's glorious. She talks out loud with no one. Tries to talk to Joe but he has no idea what she’s talking about. She tries to get our attention. We make her work for it. "Girls! GIRLS! HEY!" Then finally look over... 

"... you're stupid." But our favorite piece of advice came as she left, telling us: "You gotta get..." 

We lean in... 

"Menus. In the sky." Oh Karen.

We have no idea what time it is ALL day. Night falls. We look for the big and little dipper. Find Jupitur, Venus, and Mars. Look for scorpions with a black light. Unkle Mike tells us he’s gonna kick our ass and heckle us at pool vball. I challenge him but also tell him with all this smack talk I bet we’d end up on the same team. Someone talks about how they need to bomb their house - you know for bugs. But Liz and I imagine people actually firebombing their house. It would be so American of us to have one time use houses. I could see the info commercial: "Tired of the hassle of your home? Live in it one year, bomb it, get a new one. It's that's simple!"

We start using a new phrase: SQUAWKS! It's like the new version of RATS! Only you're like a bird. You know. Text can not do this justice. It's the brainchild of Liz who says it with an AWW SHUCKS type feel as she hunches over, crosses her arms, and mouth goes sideways. Kinda like this...

It is my kryptonite. 

Back to Joe & Lindsey's house, still no power at the house but we don't care. We eat random things by candle light. Nuts, veggies, water. We BS out front with stories about Chewy, and the ranch controversy of coyotes getting poisoned - not cool. She goes in. Tells us to help ourselves to whatever. We imagine if we took that phrase to the extreme: Make pancakes - don’t eat them. Make a nut smoothie at 2am that's the loudest thing ever, wake them up, "you gotta try this!" And/or eat literally ALL of the food. "You said help yourself..." 

We watch videos on my laptop til it dies. The moon is so bright it’s like a night light. Liz wishes we were able to watch Chopped. We pine for a dinner date with Susan. We like going back and forth from crazy nights with younger folk to partying with retired kids. And I love the fact Liz and I had been spending full days together and sharing a bed for about a month and I just never get sick of her. Best sleep over party EVER.