This Halloween I think I'll just throw a sheet over me and walk around trying to collect all the free candy I can. I'm short enough that I can get away with being a teenager. But I'm actually not very interested in anything besides Reese's so I'll just go to houses and ask for that. Sorry Snickers, you aren't making the cut.

I'd like to post a recent Instant Message exchange I had with AOL YellowPages:


AOL: Welcome back. What should I look up?
ME: your mom
AOL: Page: 1 of 10
Search for: "mom" in BEVERLY HILLS, CA (LOS ANGELES COUNTY).
Enter a number to select a listing:

1. For My Mom LLC (2.10 mi.) 310-446-8266
2. Modern Mom L L C (2.46 mi.) 323-330-0576
3. Mom & Son Cleaners (3.50 mi.) 323-939-7722
4. Just Like Mom's Preschool (3.93 mi.) 323-874-6032
5. Mom & Baby Care (5.30 mi.) 323-462-3307

Type "M" to see more results, "CL" to change location, or enter a new search term.

Take that computer!!

FYI

Although most of california is burning, I myself am not currently on fire. Though I must say I am rather hot, in the visual sense.

HEY-O! Up Top!

I know it's been a month. I suck. I have enrolled in a sketch writing class at the UCB Theatre and it's been GREAT! And I'll use that as an excuse for my lack of updating.

However, there are new California Updates on Google Video. Check out my apartment, unfurnished. Moved in with ma boyfriend. And everyone is all, oh that's a big deal. Well only Ron Burgundy is a big deal, ok? It's all good.

Lastest sellout Hollywood activity I am involved in is going to movie screenings. I have a friend at a studio so I was getting into private screenings for lots of other assistants. THEN she hooked me up with premiere tickets. I saw Lars and the Real Girl with Ryan Gosling. I showed up as he was making his way down the red carpet, which was like 50 feet long and full of cameras and yelling. Even though it looked like they were taking pics of him, I'm pretty sure it was for me. But I'm so cool and down to earth that I played it down. Signed a few autographs too, before I busted out the double guns finger move.

So cool it hurts.

I'm going to another premiere tonight for Rendition, starring Meryl Streep. Anyone who considers themselves a "regular" to the site knows that I have a talent crush on her. If I see her tonight. I will probs die. So if there are no more posts from this day forth. You know why.

Death by Meryl.

I know it's been a month. I suck. I have enrolled in a sketch writing class at the UCB Theatre and it's been GREAT! And I'll use that as an excuse for my lack of updating.

However, there are new California Updates on Google Video. Check out my apartment, unfurnished. Moved in with ma boyfriend. And everyone is all, oh that's a big deal. Well only Ron Burgundy is a big deal, ok? It's all good.

Lastest sellout Hollywood activity I am involved in is going to movie screenings. I have a friend at a studio so I was getting into private screenings for lots of other assistants. THEN she hooked me up with premiere tickets. I saw Lars and the Real Girl with Ryan Gosling. I showed up as he was making his way down the red carpet, which was like 50 feet long and full of cameras and yelling. Even though it looked like they were taking pics of him, I'm pretty sure it was for me. But I'm so cool and down to earth that I played it down. Signed a few autographs too, before I busted out the double guns finger move.

So cool it hurts.

I'm going to another premiere tonight for Rendition, starring Meryl Streep. Anyone who considers themselves a "regular" to the site knows that I have a talent crush on her. If I see her tonight. I will probs die. So if there are no more posts from this day forth. You know why.

Death by Meryl.

I feel like Man Tears are akin to Unicorn Tears. Both mystical and rare. I'm sure Man Tears possess some kind of healing power. Got to skim through Harry Potter as I'm sure there's something in there about it in Potions class.

As a scientist I'm certified to say that 9 out of 10 people who use Man Tears are cured from cancer.

My friend Shannon sent me a link to a story while at work. It was from BBC News. The title:

Pet camel kills Australian woman: A woman in Australia has been killed by her pet camel after the animal may have tried to have sex with her.

I am not making this ish up. May have? MAY HAVE?! Gotta love the Brits. I think this is even worse than dying by shark attack mainly because at least that's sort of impressive. Plus it's like well you vs. shark. Shark probs is gonna win. But man, if I was her and I wound up in heaven I'd be furious and in utter disbelief. I would demand a refund. Especially since the article doesn't mention her name, probably to avoid embarassment but now this woman will remain nameless and known only as the woman who was possibly humped to death by a camel.

However I neglect to bring up the point that perhaps in some weird way, she deserved it. You know, Karma can be a real bitch.

I forgot to mention I went to Vegas a few weekends ago. First time. First of all it was so damn hot. I know it's the desert but in LA it gets significantly colder at night. I thought all of the west was like that. Not so much. It would be like 110 in the day, and surprisingly a bit humid. Then it would still be like 98 at night. WTF? It was like back east. No escape from the heat!

Second, Jose and I saw a show called "Ka" it's a branch of Cirque Du Soleil. And while I'm watching these half nakes people fly around on a moving stage sans any distinguishable language I thought, "Man I'd love to see the first pitch of this show." You could just see the producer sitting there. Silent. Then, "Get out of my office with that crazy crap." Who thought something so bizarre would be so popular? You can see a little preview here: http://www.mgmgrand.com/ka/?CMP=KNC-Google-MGM_Ka

Third, while walking along the street at night with all these people rocking HUGE containers of alcohol I was amazed at how many pop up bars are set up along the road. We passed this group of guys at one point where there appeared to be some kind of mess on the street. I heard one guy say, "Dude, did you just throw up?" Then the reply, "I might have." He then went for another drink.
Ah, Vegas....

It's been a year that I've been out here hustling to sell my soul to the devil that is Hollywood. I really can't believe it. It's mostly because there are no seasons. I'm all walking around in jeans and a t-shirt in 70 degrees going, "oh its winter?" Cut to 6 months later, same outfit, "oh it's summer?"

I used to think that people who quit the bizz were lacking passion or drive, but now I see that its just really exhausting. You always hear about so and so who took years before making it big. I'm not looking to make it big, I'm looking to make my car payments and rent. But sure, if you'd like me to be famous, sure. I'm down. Shoot me an email, Hollywood Gods. I'll be around.

I think maybe I should quit my job and get me a Star Wars costume. Maybe be the evil emperor, find a way to shoot lightning from my fingers. Get one of those static electricity dome things from Spencer's gift. Just carry that around. Close enough. Then i can be that girl who dresses like an old crazy evil Jedi. That way my dream of being a Jedi is sort of realized in a really sad, pathetic way.

Also speaking of evil Sith Lords, It's my working theory that Dick Chenney is Senator Palpatine. He will totally Force Choke your ass.

Only in Beverly Hills will you find the ice cream man truck in metallic gold...

It is a rare breed that feels at home among the Mercedez and Jaguars.

Last night I had an amazing dream. It pretty much shows how much of a nerd I am but whatevs! So perhaps it was because I wrote a little diddy about Harry Potter that helped trigger this, but I had a dream (much like Dr. King) that Professor Snape and I became friends. And yes that would be the Alan Rickman Snape, aka my faves actor. He was tots in character. And for some reason I was looking at his drawings and paintings and he was next to me, facing away. And I said to him, "I didn't know that you were an artist." And he did this really intimidating, "What?"

I repeated myself and he eventually warmed up to me so that we were chatting about art and other life things. It never came up that he was a wizard. I dont think I was suppose to be a student. And I don't think we were at Hogwarts. However we did get semi chummy. I felt like Lily Potter for a bit - and by the by her and I share the same Bday. Oh SNAP!

It was such an awesome dream that when I woke up before my alarm went off I pushed my alarm time back a few more minutes and hoped to God to go back to that same dream. I'm not really sure it worked but I woke up feeling irrationally giddy.

My name is Colleen Evanson. I'm a nerd and I'm proud.

Please watch...

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809761737/video/3631941/standardformat/

1) Can't believe this is a movie
2) Can't believe I didn't think of it first

Guess who got their sanity back?

No, not Stella. You are confusing sanity with groove...

Anyways I know the mania of Harry Potter has mostly passed but in order to take full advantage of that talking point I'd like to tell everyone that like so many others I get so frustrated while reading it because I'm not a wizard. This is a tragic realization after reading all day and knowing some spells off hand - yes, I'm a nerd. I embrace it. Not sure if I have posted this before but when I do find Hogwarts - be it the real one or the one being built in Florida - I want to apply for a job. Not so much as a professor. Though we all know the Defense Against the Dark Arts job is prob open but I would just spit out Star Wars terms and show the movie as much as possible. Dark Side, Dark Magic - same thing. And I suppose I could do some kind of Muggle studies to explain the world o' muggles. But I'd much rather be able to be a guidence counselor. That way I could be friends with all of them, help figure out what they want to do. Live vicariously through them. Mostly I just want to hang out in the castle. Maybe it will eventually wear off on me and I'll be semi magical. I'm sure I could pick up a spare wand left in the halls. See what happens.

So if any of you have any leads on a job there, let me know.

Please forgive my recent lack of posts. I am currently having a mid life crisis at the age of 23.

But on an amusing note, don't you love when you wake up in the morning and realize the alarm was set for PM not AM. That's fun.

As a New Yorker in the city of LA there are certain things that as a driver I just won't stand for. One is waiting in a huge line to take an exit. As such I will play the part of the "jerk" who drives up until I HAVE to exit and squeeze in line. I don't have the patience to wait 20 mins to exit.

Second I refuse to pay for Valet parking. Half the time they park it in an obvious spot. There is really no need for me to get out of my car, give you the keys, only to have you park it 5 feet away from me. I feel the least they can do is fit into a tight spot or parallel park. Then I'd feel I got my monies worth.

Even better is when I park the car myself and then have to pay them. I might as well go to a parking garage because at least there I don't have to tip. So thank you for parking my car in plain sight and then making me wait 10 minutes for you to get it so I could leave, here is an extra 3 dollars. Jerk.

As such, I will drive around determined not to give it. I don't care if it takes another 20 minutes I will find that free parking on the street. If I want it bad enough I will find it, and alittle walking never hurt anybody.

It is standard in Hollywood to get all the information about new scripts down to the shortest possible summary. Many times people refer to other movies when describing what script they have or are working on. It's mostly phrased as the following:

(INSERT MOVIE) meets (INSERT MOVIE)

a more detailed example for probably the biggest blockbuster idea ever:

HARRY POTTER meets TRANSFORMERS.

My friend Suds and I were discussing how often people use that format to describe new scripts and how ridiculous it is. So we in turn discovered some other phrases we'd like to see happen in Hollywood by using said example above.

1. HP brushes past TRANSFORMERS
2. HP meets TRANSFORMERS for the second time but can't remember TRANSFORMERS name and so refers to TRANSFORMERS as "you" for the rest of their exchange.
3. HP takes TRANSFORMERS out to dinner, TRANSFORMERS thought it was just friends, HP thought otherwise. TRANSFORMER then never returns HP's calls.
4. HP awkwardly hits on TRANSFORMERS in a bar.
5. HP borrows TRANSFORMERS car and goes for joy ride a la FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF.

So we encourage this new unnecessary system. Please feel free to add and change it. Let it grow...

So everyone and their mom wanted to know what I thought of the latest Harry Potter. It came out midnight on Tues and I had Imax tickets for Thurs since Wed was sold out. I figured it would be sold out anyway by the time I got out of work. But no everyone I seem to know was able to get there and then wanted to talk with me about it.

What can I say? I'm a big deal. The people love me.

But back to reality. I enjoyed it but I think people overhyped the end to me. I was told it was "crazy" and many thought it would "blow my mind." It's not that is wasn't awesome, but with all the talk I half expected to be served a chipwich by the cast of the movie.

Sadly that didn't happen.

I will see it again. I sat there in the theatre as the credits rolled going over it all in my head. I just re read the 5th book, aka the longest book I've ever read. It's around 850 pages or so, so of course things had to be cut. Everything seemed like the cliff notes version to me. I kept thinking, wow that was fast. I always want to see more. But overall I was ok with the way they translated it to the screen. And my dream came true of seeing Alan Rickman rock Professor Snape for more than 2 minutes. Hizzah!

The self proclaimed "little people" are demanding for more writing. I say, hold your horses. I can't just write about any ol' thing here. I am an artist! I must be inspired!

Most of my days I spend thinking about how awesome it would be to get paid to do things like eat ice cream, create candy bars with amusing titles, and giving surfing lessons. The person I got mine from usually got paid 120 for 2 hours. Say what?! You don't even need a high school degree for that. We call that street smarts, yo. I need me one of them jobs. Not that I dislike my job but a girl can dream.

Also I highly recommend you all watch Kathy Griffin's my life on the D list. She's hilarious with her self deprecating sassy cursing ways...

I needs me a reality show.

As many of you already know, I don't like spiders. The smaller ones I can handle - and by small I mean you can barely see them. Anything a half inch is out of my league of handling.

Here's my thing...Listen up spiders!

You have ALL of the outside world/wilderness to live in. You could even stay in the basement/garage/attic for all I care. Out of sight, out of mind. And I know I don't go into those rooms enough that it's a problem, but what I am def NOT ok with is rooms in houses I frequent. More specifically - the bathroom. Even more specifically the tub/shower.

I don't like you around me even when I am fully clothed so my distain grows when I am in the buff and consider myself pretty much defenseless against you - again being like a million times bigger doesn't count. You make me resort to washing you down the drain. Do I WANT to kill you? No, not really but I feel you leave me little choice. If I let you live, no doubt I'll lose tabs on you and then you could be anywhere. If I let you out, there's a chance you'll get back in. So that then leaves me with the option of calling someone else in to kill you because I don't want your murder on my conscience. I'm not a monster.

Perhaps we should call some kind of truce or write up a treaty where you agree to stay out of my house/apartment/car and in return I won't hire a henchman (aka my cousin nate/uncle val) to come kill you.

How does that sound? Can you even hear? I know you guys have a lot of eyes and legs but not sure about the ears part. Anyway I'm going to assume you agree. I'll email it to you.

Sellout Update:

I totally rocked at surfing. Stood up on my second wave. My instructor, Carla, said I was a natural.

In other news:

I read something about CSI in the news and it made me think, "how many versions of that show do they have?" Answer: 3. Why not a fourth? How about CSI: Ohio. Think of it. Imagine a killer montage set to a The Who song as the detectives sit around bored in their office, perhaps one plays Snood or Mindsweeper. Or a technician cleans the lab. Someone reads a newspaper. A cop yawns in the squad car.

Intense!

I'll have to mingle with any contacts I can make at Jerry Bruckhimer TV. Wheelin' and dealin'!

It seems I lost my faith all too quickly. Now not only will Paris be back in jail, but she's going for the full 45 days. Glory be! It's a little bit wrong how happy that photo of her crying in the back of the cop car made me feel. So thanks Jesus, or God, or Allah, or Buddha, or Sun God. You are awesome!

I forgot to tell you all that on my lunch break last week I'm pretty sure I passed Jessica Simpson who was sitting down to eat outside with her mom. It looked like her, then I heard her talk. The dumb waves were very powerful.

I can't tell you how tempted I was to roundhouse her in the throat...

Sunday I will officially become a California resident. I've done "lunch" and "drinks" with other Hollywood assistants. It takes me an hour in the morning to drive 13 miles to work. I talk on my cell phone while I walk around Rodeo. I've had celebrity citings. I play Ultimate Frisbee with writers/actors/directors under the Hollywood sign. I've had to use valet. I have to "schedule" people a few weeks in advance. I had to put on sunscreen in Feb. I'm taking improv classes, which is close enough to acting classes.

But now, on Sunday I will go surfing, wet suit and all.

Fear not fellow New Yorkers! I still yell at other cars who clearly don't know how to drive. And of course when I talk I use my hands excessively. And from time to time that accent sneaks in, making others giggle.

I really shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. It seems that once again the rich get to go through the EZ Pass while the rest of us dig for quarters. I usually could care less about what Paris Hilton does but the whole jail thing was a dream come true. Now after 5 whole days she gets house arrest? I said before that her going to jail was proof that God did exist. Now I wonder if I should be an atheist. If it's a test, that's not funny. Don't mess with my hopes and dreams of seeing the rich girl get what's coming to her. And if I run into her in heaven, if there is such a place, she better watch out because I will clothes line her ass.

Today the CA fam and I went down to the Hermosa Pier that was all set up for Memorial Day festivities. They had this cool Toyota Highway of the Future set up that taught you all about how to live green and how hybrids work. As you walk around they give you this card to swipe to use the interactive displays. Each station allows you to gain points that you can claim a prize with later. First one is a recycled pencil - kinda lame. Second is planting a tree - all about forests. Third is a self powering flashlight - I was like YES! Got my points, enough for the flashlight when I thought, you know let's do the world some good and plant a tree in my name. As the display came up asking me to state my name. I hesitated for a second, contimplating if I should make it under the name: Tits Magee. But alas, I did not. But it would have been pretty hilarious if I did.

It's been awhile. I apologize for all those who feel the need to hear from me on a regular basis, but you know what sometimes I feel like you are suffocating me. I mean, I like you and all but you need to back off a bit. I need my me-time, you know? So stop calling me for awhile because otherwise I'll tell you that "we need to talk." Then I'll lay the whole, "let's take a break," thing on you which will eventually lead to me saying, "yeah, I want to break up."

But in other news, last week I was putting some more money in my meter at work when I came across crumbled up money. I looked around, saw no one nearby, so I bent down to pick it up. Only in Beverly Hills would someone drop a 20. I didn't really want to take it, but what choice do I have? Leave it there for some Mercedes driving agent to get it? I think not. I did myself some civil service. Thank you, God. I owe you one.

After I pumped gallon after gallon of gasoline into my car at the Costco station the digital screen told me:

"Protect the Environment and Avoid Spills. Do Not Top Off."

I feel like it's inappropriate for a gas station to be telling me to protect the environment. As if spilling a drop will ruin the crop that grows in the ever abundant concrete fields. It should read:

"Protect the Environment and help fund Doc Brown's Flux Cupacitor or Buy a Hybrid."

Whatever happened to the Best Friend necklace? You know the one, a broken heart that on one side says "Be Fri" and the other "st ends." How come this was only available to me when I was in elementary school and we had our "holiday" shopping at school. Which by the way I purchased a lucky rabbit's foot year after year after getting my dad the generic dad gift, a cheap tool kit that was almost unusable. For mom, it was much easier, cheap earrings. The brother, well I already got a tool set, so maybe another rabbit foot? '

But I digress. Do we not cherish the need to claim our best friends anymore? As we get older our gifts turn to money and gift cards. Why not kick it oldschool and bring back the Best Friend necklace? I feel this is an untapped market that Tiffany's can make a pretty penny on. Then when it becomes the it thing, thanks to those shadow commericals (though that was for De Beer - damn you marketing for making me remember!), it can boost the economy by giving hustlers in NYC something else to make knockoff brands of.

Just imagine a shining 24K gold necklace with Best Friends written in diamonds....or at least you thought it was gold until it turned your neck green. Tricked again! If this happens, please note that you need a new Be Fri.

Today, Friday May 4, 2007 should be marked on our calanders and be remembered for years to come as the day that we held the proof in our hands that God really exists.

Behold, Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail that she can't get out of. I don't know about you but I am beelining it to church....

Also I'd like to update you all on my Battlestar Galactica status.

I held out finishing the last disc of Season 2.5 for about a week which you have to say is rather impressive. Before I get into how I avoided the shakes I'd like to mention that although I love the show, its pretty ridiculous/ingenuis for them to have made Season 2.0 and 2.5 and make me buy both DVD packets seperately for like 30 bucks each. Bastards! They are like crack dealers.

So I finished Season 2.5 and of course it ends in a way that has me exclaiming, "Oh my god." This response comes not just from the well executed finale but the sad reality that I have run out of episodes....
Or have I?

So I start thinking there must be a way around the system because I know there is no way I'm going to be able to hold out until August when Season 3 comes out. Sci-Fi doesn't have an on demand channel I was aware of, but my cousin Nate buys stuff on iTunes. So yes, thank you Steve Jobs for helping me get ma' fix. Low and behold 19 episodes are available for $34.99. Which I of course bought last night at about 11:30pm. And I didn't have the patience to wait for it to fully download before watching it. Come on now. Waiting? That's nonsense. But I haven't finished watching it because

1 it wasn't all downloaded
2 it was 2 hours long
3 I got sleepies

This weekend my cousin Nate and I did an impromptu apartment search in a few areas we heard about from friends. On one we found several signs so we parked to walk around. Low and behold there were a few open houses going on for that day. So we figure, we have nothing to lose. Only when we walked in there are people who are around 30 looking. They all turn to look at these 20 somethings coming in. Imediately you know that you can't afford this. The landlord lady welcomes you anyway. You continually say, "wow this is nice." or "look at all this space."

You can't just pivot and leave, that's rude, you've already made eye contact. So instead you wonder and fake interest, looking at the space as quickly as possible. In the end it was genuinely quite nice and well priced at $2,200/mo but not affordable for kids getting on their feet. We need a place with more "character." You know, broken stove, leaky toilet, no parking garage. Perhaps a crazy neighbor who screams a lot. Basically, the diamond in the rough.

A couple of things:

1. Last week it was so windy in LA...You respond, "How windy was it?!" Well studio audience it was SO windy that I was being pushed from the wind. At one point I tried to stand still as the wind blew my hair and clothes all over the place. I felt like Storm from XMen. Also I had to laugh as I tried to talk to lunch because a few times I had to lean over to avoid being knocked around. If I stuck around longer I'm sure I could have figured out a way to fly but I only have an hour.

2. I read that Universal Studios Florida is closing the Back to the Future ride. This is not ok on SO many levels. First of all, if you are a frequent reader you know what that movie means to me. Sure it gave me false hope at flying cars and flux cupassidors but it did give me hope. Now not only will there not be cars that fly by using garbage in real life but I can't enjoy imagining what it would be like to drive one while trying to escape being eaten by a T-Rex at an overpriced theme park. This is tragic. The only plus is that I now live in California and they aren't planning on closing that one anytime soon. If they do I'll at least think about getting an online petition before forgetting about it a week later. But we all know it's the thought that counts.

I have to say that one of the more ridiculous things ever made by man is the kid leash. I could just see a mom thinking, "You know, I really hate having to actually hold my child in order to keep an eye on them. There must be a way for me to do this and avoid actually touching them. After all the thing did spend 9 months in me, I need a break. Need my space, at least keep the thing a foot away. I'd like the option of leaving my kid tied to a parking meter while I run into Rite Aid."

Well guess what worse mom ever, the solution is here!

I was going to go into a rant about where you can purchase such a product but I honestly don't know. I feel like Babies R Us would be against it, maybe you could find it hidden away at a pet shop.

My Friday was spent at Disneyland. Mostly went to do the Star Tours ride where my nerd out level was dangerously high. Any ride that promotes the ice planet Hoth as a vacation get away is pretty much the best ride ever. Later on while in the Frontier section of the park I saw a lot of people walking around with giant turkey legs. I won't lie, I judged them. But then I passed the stand selling them and saw they were only 6 bucks - that's a steal! Those people were just making cost effective purchases, especially when you consider that one churro (totally delish) was 3 bucks.

We also took a fake amazon tour full of robotic animals almost splashing me on this boat. The tour guide was hilariously sarcastic and dry which pretty much made the ride. Towards the end this woman and I made eye contact. She held her gaze and then said to me, "You look just like that girl from Star Wars." Immediately I was like - Carrie Fisher? She goes, "From the newest ones...Padme." I replied, "Natalie Portman?" She goes, "Yes. Anyone told you that before? Doesn't she look like her." She then surveyed some people on the boat who agreed.

Now I won't deny that I'm pretty hot and I don't mind being compared to Natalie Portman, but I'm sorry but I disagree. I think it might be LA because I have been told I look like other people a lot more out here. They have no reference that people can just look like ordinary people, they must look like one of them celebrities that are everywhere. However I'm sure once the movie script about my life is written and green lit, that she'll be first on the list, that or as someone else told me, Kiera Knightly. Maybe if I did't eat for a year I'd look like Kiera.

Until then I'll continue to believe that I'm the spitting image of Estelle Getty.

Currently I can't get enough of Battlestar Galactica. It's not as dorky as you think. Here's how you know you are an official fan. Since the show airs on Sci-Fi and not HBO where you can curse they substitute the F bomb with the word "Frack." When you first start watching the show you are like, "umm, what did they say? Did they make up that word? Man that's nerdy." But after a few episodes you find yourself amused when they use it and will sometimes use it yourself. Welcome to the glory of being a Battlestar Galactica nerd.

However, I am going to run into a problem soon. You see I bought season one and burned through it. Then ran over to Best Buy and got all of season two. I'm almost done with that and season three isn't out yet. I might go into a coma. Or at least get the shakes when I haven't gotten my fix. And soon I'll have to wait a whole week til I get to see new episodes. This simply won't do. As such I will need someone to kidnap me. Then hold me hostage and say you'll kill me unless the producers from the show let me work there so I know what's going to be happening before it does and I get to watch all the new episodes right away. I might just kidnap myself. It's that or a coma. I figure I'll have to be in it for 4 or 5 years so when I get out all the seasons are available right away for my viewing pleasure. Until then, life simply isn't worth living....

Let's talk about the Cadbury Bunny for a moment.

You know its Easter time when a white rabbit bucks like a chicken on your TV set. Overall the chocolate bunny and hiding eggs really makes no sense whatsoever. I'd like to know who it was to come up with this idea. God must have been like, "Are you kidding?!"

It would make more sense if all the candy we ate somehow was digested without adding any pounds onto us. A true Easter miracle! Someone should really pitch that to Jesus. I mean it's not really fair when candy companies take seemingly healthy food items and make them ridiculous bad for you. I will list a few examples:

1. The Cadbury egg. Eggs are usually not too bad for you but they were all, "what if we wrapped it in chocolate and then filled the inside with sugar that looks like yoke!" And if that's not bad enough Reese's goes and does TWO versions of the egg. One has a hard sugar shell with peanut butter on the inside. The other is a bigger version of the Reese's peanut butter cup just shaped as an egg. You need some serious will power to avoid having either.

2. Jelly Beans. Let's get rid of all that gross protein and substitute it with a sugar version of a pina colada. Delish! On a side note I'd like to say that I find the popcorn flavored beans a bit disturbing to eat.

3. Peeps. Yeah, take that chicken! I would only like genetically altered hormones in my chicken, thank you very much.

I would like to address the wonder that is the school picture. Yes, that time of the year when you do yourself up aReal nice and wear the shirt your mom picked out. Then you smile like a tool and hope you don't look stupid because that picture is going out to all the relatives to post on the wall.

I really love that even though I never really cared about the picture I was always excited to choose the background. All I really remember were two options that are vastly different. One was the fake library full of non descript books, the other was a grey background with criss crossing pink and blue lazers. Of course when I was young all I wanted was the lazers because, I mean cmon, how bad ass is that? But you could tell who ever made it was at the peak of their Tron phase. This background was, and I feel pretty confident assuming this, made in the 80s. I say this mostly because 80s ideas of the future are only cool in the 80s. But now that I am in the future, lazers look pretty dumb.

Personally I think it would be pretty sweet if school pictures could get photoshoped after the fact. Not in a vain way where everyone's skin would be flawless. I am thinking more along the lines of like an iPod commercial. Make the background really colorful and then the person be solid black....

with an ipod shuffle around my neck, very academic of course.

I was around a toy store recently and it made me think of the Super Toy Run Nickelodeon used to do. I think it was once every few months some kid would get picked to run through a Toys R Us for about 5 mins and whatever they could fit into the cart they got to keep.

I used to have that whole store planned out in my head in case I ever won. Which I didn't, probably because I didn't really enter the raffle. But my stategy was to go down some key isles with my arm out so I would just knock stuff in as I went by. Which isles? Well: gameboy games, nerf weapons, bike, legos, and of course to mini jeep powerwheels.

If you want to hear the saddest story ever, one christmas I was probably about 5 and had my heart set of getting a powerwheels truck from Santa. When I didn't get it I told my parents, "I guess I wasn't good enough this year."

Ouch, take that! I'm sure I have an equal guilt trip coming my way if/when I have kids. But maybe I'll keep a leg up on them and just won't ever have any. That way I can spend all my money on me and have several powerwheels. I'll be like the poor man's Jay Leno with my "collection" of cars. And maybe I could get Al Gore to endorse me if I start driving it to work.

That reminds me. This weekend I had a dream that I went to a Ford dealership to tune up my car or something and it turns out I won a free car. I wanted an electric one but they didn't have much except like golf carts. So I was wondering around this dealership feeling really unsatisfied and then wondering if it was a con. Even when I woke up afterward I was skeptical and started thinking, "did I even read the fine print on that deal?"

I wonder if any guys have ever tried to wax off their facial hair. I totally would if it meant I didn't have to shave my bread everyday. Though I'm sure it would leave your face a tad bit red afterwards, but that might look kind of cool. And maybe if you meet up with some friends right afterwards you would get a cool nickname like Blood Beard.

That is, of course, assuming that all your friends are pirates.

I recently watched Who Killed the Electric Car? And it once again made me want to get into doc work again, sticking it to the man and getting out the word. Be a part of something that motivates people to do something about an important issue...until the new Ugly Betty comes on and then they forget all about them world troubles.

But it's got me to thinking, obviously this gas thing is becoming a problem. Um, 3.20 a gallon, is this a big inside joke? Will there be coupons? Oh, and it's only going to get worse? Great. Wait, the exhaust can give me asthma? Where does the fun end?!

So that made me think what else can we try to use to replace oil? There's the obvious choice of air but that's too easy. Then maybe something fun like candy, but let's me honest we'd rather eat that. Garbage is too gross to go digging though, I ain't no homeless man! Perhaps soup, there's usually plenty of sodium in there. Or how about rocks? You can't really run out of those. But I think the best thing that's a renewable source is love. Awww shucks!

It's renewable until something better catches out eye....

oh snap, I went there.

Well I say screw it. If we're going to have to pay top dollar for this oil junk then there better be diamonds in it. That at least justifies it. But when you pull into the Thrify Gas station (and yes that is the name) and it's just as much as Chevron you are like, oh man this is bad.

The best solution is to just not pay for the gas and WILL my car to work without it.

You know that you are starting to really settle into a new place when you start being able to spot the "regulars." Over at work in the ol' Beverly Hills area there are many things that were new to me. All the Mercedez, Jaguars, even BMWs - aka Fancy Pants cars. Additionally seeing palm trees every where is still really cool to me.

But while on my walks during lunch I have run into an interesting person time and time again. I don't talk to her, but I see her about once a week. This woman is short and thin with shoulder length unkept/frizzy hair. Her clothes indicate to me that she's not homeless, but is a bit behind the times as she often rocks out in stirrup pants and white ked shoes.

However the thing that makes her stand out is the fact that every 10-20 feet she starts to jog. She jogs for about 30 seconds, then stops. Walks some more. Then jogs again. It's very bizarre. At first I thought well this is just a woman in a hurry but EVERY TIME I see her that's what she does.

One day I'd like to just trail her and see where she's going. Is she on a break from work? Is she casually running away from home? Is this a new exercise craze I am unaware of? Perhaps I should call a local news station to solve this mystery.

I think movie reviews would be more interesting if they started saying more things like:

The New York Times calls Zodiac, "Pretty good."

"That girl for that TV show does a decent job."

"It's better to catch a matinee because it's not really worth the full price."

"Wait til it comes out on DVD."

I wonder how crickets feel about being the universally recognized sound for awkward pauses after unsuccessful jokes and/or the soundtrack of boredom. Not sure how that came to be. If you notice it is always placed in movies/tv shows when people are INSIDE. For instance, awkward dinner date - crickets. That's not the proper background sound! What made someone think that the lovely sound of crickets would make sense to put there. Another example, someone home alone INSIDE the house - crickets. WHAT?!

I'd be outraged as a cricket. My music, my life songs, being used so illogically, slandering my good insect name. I am more than a creature that fills the summer air with song. I should be used for a romantic moment. I don't belong indoors. I don't want to be your plucky comic relief. I demand to be taken seriously! Crickets unite! We must form a union so The Man can no longer take advantage of us! Yes our exoskeleton may be easily crushed by the weight of his foot but we can hide in small spaces and drive him mad with our music. Let's see how funny we are after a week of restless sleep.

So it took me a few more days but here's my follow up about Paper Boy for GameBoy. OK, first of all I'm not sure how and why someone thought this was going to be awesome. I think it got through because before that there was only really tetris. Second of all, you didn't really get points for delivering the actual papers. I remember just letting tons of papers fly as I passed a house so I could break as much stuff as possible - mostly windows. Third, I LOVED how as the days went on it got harder to deliver the papers aka mess up the neighborhood. I guess neighborhood watch was onto me. Monday a dog might chase me a bit and I'd have to watch out for that skateboarder on the sidewalk. Tuesday a car passes by and some old lady chases me with her bag. Wednesday suddenly gets very odd when a small self contained tornado hits. Thursday was usually around the time that Death himself would show up with his crazy curved sword. Yeah that's right, an old lady with a bag and Death are in the same neighborhood as the skateboard kid. WHAT!?

Then I remember at the end of the week, if you made it (thank you Game Genie), you got to an obstacle course made just for paper boys/girls. There was a main trail with some hills and off to the side were these big hoops you try to get the papers through. This would make sense as perhaps a beginning course but no its at the end, after I have already proved my skills at breaking many windows - which requires little to no skill level since all you really have to do is hit the B button tons of times.

After that point I honestly don't remember what happens. Maybe I win a prize? Get my face on the cover of the newspaper, which if that does indeed happen, man it must be Mayberry. Here's the scoop from Main Street USA!

You know what game I do remember being surprisingly impossible? The Little Mermaid. I actually got it as a gift and thought, oh man this will be so easy. Yeah I don't think I ever made it past the third level. It's hard making your way around as a hot half lady half fish.
draft

I'm sure you are all familiar with the technological wonder that is nintendo. Forget about the Wii, I'm talking oldschool here. Nintendo Mario was where it's at. Here's the thing, I used to play the first few level but when it came to the evil castle I couldn't handle it. The music, the gray cell walls, the fire balls. That's when I passed the burden on to my dad. He was quiet a trooper. Beating the hardest levels without ever going through those mushroom guys. Speaking of, what a pitful existence. Walking mushroom man, no defenses, easily flattened.

But I digress. What I really wanted to talk about was that "secret" passage that everyone knew about. You know the one. In the dungeon level, stay on the elevating iron board, jump over and there are pipes that take you to the world of your chosing. Honestly I feel bad for whoever made those worlds because no one ever played them. Sometimes you'd be like oh let me check out the water world just for kicks. But otherwise you went right to to hardest level to beat the game. But this was pretty ridiculous because jumping from world 2 to world 6...uh, the bad guys are a bit more advanced. Who is that guy in the cloud and how does he fit all those spikey guys in there? But more disturbing, why won't he leave me alone?

Thus ends todays video game rant. Tomorrow I shall tackle the ridiculouness that is Paper Boy for Game Boy.

Class dismissed.

While watching Wheel of Fortune, two things occurred to me.

1. If I was on that show and won big I would make sure I had the show taped and watched it again and again in order to boost my self esteem when I was feeling down. Every so often I would most likely burst out - I WAS ON THE WHEEL!

2. One of the puzzles was before and after: Oprah's Book Club Sandwich
You know you are a big deal when you get a puzzle on the wheel o fortune. She don't need no awards!

Also I'm not sure what the weight list is to be a contestant but I'm sure it's really frustrating if you spent like a month studying up on useless knowledge and watching reruns and then get out done by some soccer mom who never lands on Bankrupt and wins all the prizes you dream about. So close and yet so far.

There should be more beauty products out there for men. Yes I'm sure you can say, but men don't really care about their hair or skin. And I say, well I watched a bunch of Queer Eye in my day and I think the boys would have something to say about that. It's about time that all men, not just the gay ones, get to see commercials telling them to watch out for the age spots.

If I was a guy I'd feel left out of not being pressured into being more self conscious. I mean sure its nice to know that if I'm overweight but have a good sense of humor, more than likely I can get a hot sitcom wife...but I'd wish some of those Kristy Ally-Jenny Craig commercials were telling me that I could still enjoy my chocolate mousse and look good. I'd want to know what if felt like to have an eating disorder. Ho-Hum, what are you to do?

Well maybe you can just feel overwhelmed by those adorable leads on the CW shows.

You know who I'm getting really tired of? That automated voice woman from cell phone voicemails. You know what lady, phones have been around long enough that I know how to use it and how to leave a message. I am not crippled by the sound of a beep so badly that I have no idea what to do. Guess what? No one really leaves their name or number, they mostly go for the brief message since the person they are calling probably has the number stored in the phone. It's a little something called "contacts." Look it up! Also there have been many a time that I have left long semi incoherent ramblings on voicemails so please do excuse me if I don't heed your advice. For a robot, you are pretty dumb.

OMG! Have you guys heard? Obama's friend Gaffen totally dissed Hilary. He was all like, "she's a crazy ho, I hate her."

and then Hilary was like, "oh no you didn't. Obama you bes not take his monies or I will bitch slap you."

Obama goes all, "You trippin', he' ain't really ma friend. Shoot."

Gaffen heard him and is like, "I'm rich bitch!"

Then Hilary was all, "Bring it!"

Obama tried to be diplomatic but then was like, "I'm not afraid of no white ho!"

And an intense threeway slap fight began. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me or you'd see that ish on youtube in a heartbeat. Probs even CNN is they pay up. But it happened. Scouts honor.

It's official Britney Spear has lost her DAMN mind. How many sane women do you know who have shaved heads? Think for a minute. And no, you don't know Natalie Portman so that doesn't count. Plus she did that for a movie.

Then she, Britney, went and got a tattoo. Sealing the deal as a biker lesbian.

Now I don't know if you were forced to read that short story in high school english about the young guy who gets peer pressured into getting a tattoo. He doesn't even look, just picks out a random one. Just so happens to be a blue bird. Very manly. And he winds up regretting it. Shock, surprise.

Although I'm not planning on getting a tattoo, if I did I'd make sure it was something that I liked. But see, I'm very fickle. Also I wouldn't want there to be a chance of being judged so out goes my mural of The X Files and Star Wars. But I do like sugar cookies. Perhaps I could rock a sugar cookie. Thems delish!

Either way I wouldn't think to put lips on my wrist as one bald/crazy Spears did. Unless the lips were eating a sugar cookie. Then I MIGHT consider it.

For all who don't know you can get a video dose of me if you go to Google and search for California Update under the video tab.

Rinse and Repeat.

Also search Bootleg Series for an amusing take on Jaw, Titanic, and Star Wars.

I get why we have dead presidents on our money to pay tribute and all, but I think we can make it better. I feel one person can trump all the Jacksons and dare I say – Benjamins. Ever heard of some guy named GOD?

That’s right I’m proposing we put God money into circulation. God money would force people to be financially responsible and frown upon using it for socially immoral investments. It would be a bit harder to buy those drugs and that hooker if you had to hand over god money. God would be all looking and you and waging his finger. Think about the impact it could have on mob activity.

It could benefit the common folk as well. People would really think before splurging. Do I really need that plasma tv? I dunno that’s a whole lot of God, even with the down payment of the holy ghost and mother mary.

Also what if we start making some Jesus pennies? I don’t think we’d continue to debate whether or not we should get rid of them.

It’s a goal of mine to get famous enough that when I die there can be a really cheesy montage set to light piano keys. This montage will hopefully be full of clips from past movies or tv appearances I have done featuring:

Turning around and being surprised by an old friend who makes me smile
Trying to explain myself out of a sticky situation
As a cop
Getting hit in the face with a pie
As a doctor
Making an “I Don’t Think So” face
As a lawyer
Gazing off solemnly into the distance
Tearfully embracing a man
Waving goodbye in slow motion
And of course saying that famous line of mine in that super hit movie:
“Well, I guess I’ll see you around…” as I slide on some sunglasses
Hopefully after that place it will cross dissolve into me walking away alone into the distance. That or I continue to wave out the window of an old train as it pulls out of the station.

Naturally afterwards there is an honorary award named after me. The Colleen Evanson Tot Aws award. That has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

Despite the 80s I feel pretty confident in stating that in the world of today the only acceptable time one would be allowed to sport a wind suit is if one's occupation was an elementary school gym teacher. You know the type. Neon bright combinations of pink, yellow, and silver/grey placed strategically along the fabric to create ever so flattering zig zag lines. Naturally the jacket matches the swishy pants. Finish it off with a pair of white keds and the whistle necklace.

I don't know about you but our teacher would write our names on the chalkboard and if we were lucky enough to accurately execute the art of dodgeball - you'd get a star. A gold star? Oh no, much better than that. A chalk star. That's right. I got a few in my day.

But I digress. I wonder where exactly you can find a track/wind suit now a days except a thrift store. Is there a special cateloge or store? Perhaps something along the lines of doctor clothes. A place you are free to shop without people thinking you are MC Hammer.

I'm sure that's really what Dr. Martin Luther King was talking about when he said, "I have a dream..." You probably think it had something to do with equal rights for black people but he was really talking about wind pants. That's a little known fact, Jack. You've just been brainwashed by "school." PSSSHT What a joke. All you really need is The Learning Channel and an active imagination and/or ADHD.

So in a few hours I will turn 23. I'm not one for making a big deal out of the ol' birthday. I mostly go around feeling relatively awkward all day. When people say happy birthday, it's not that I'm not thankful they are thinking of me but I just don't really know what the proper response is supposed to be. Wanting to be polite I have to stiffle the impulse to say, "thanks, you too!" And they all look at you, unlike a holiday like Christmas where you all get gifts. I could have been PC just then and said "holiday" but you know what, I'm not jewish, so there's pretty much no other holidays.

Gifts are even worse. Do I open it now? Wait til later? Oh you want me to read the card first. OK. To be honest, half the time I skim over it so fast because after all - I want to get to the actual thing. Because of that I mostly play off of what they think my reaction should be to the card.

Example: If it has a witty phrase in it, they look at you with a laugh and chuckle. Logically I follow along.

It's not too hard.

Then the gifts. If it's not money or a gift card or a DVD it's always a toss up. Will I have to pretend I like it? I hate being dishonest but it's one of those things. We tell our kids to be honest but white lies don't hurt. After all the 300lb man knows he's fat, we don't need to tell him that. So stop pointing little Johnny, that's rude.

Just once I would really appreciate it if the models used in those anti-aging commercials were over 30 years old. Better yet, why don't they just hire teenagers or how about some babies. That way women will still have an interest in seeing the ad since we all know women just love them babies. They'll get sucked in to their cute, lineless faces running around in diapers. You think it's a Huggies promo but WHAM the kids start talking. They can gurgle or what have you and we can just put in subtitles. Or maybe we can see if a throw back to "Look Who's Talking" that way it's a triple threat of a commercial.

Adorable babies + anti-aging + reference to an 80s cinematic classic = ski high sales

Get that ish on you tube and it's over. I'm tell you I need to start my own ad company. I'm walking around here with a gold mine of a brain people!

I was watching a promo for the new reality show called Top Design on Bravo. And yes, I'm sorry but it was while watching Top Chef - hey I got to watch something on Bravo while I wait for Project Runway to return.

Anyways this one designer who is going to be a main judge was making a comment about one of the contestants. He said, "he was like the mayor of excusesville"

Two things came to mind:

1. What if there really is a mayor of excusesville. He's been trying to change the way people see the town, boost tourism, but then WHAM a cable network goes and ruins his campaign. He must be heart broken.

2. I feel for the citizens in excusesville. I'm sure they try their hardest but things just never get done and they have their reasons why. Unfortunately their education system is going down the drain because there are just so many reason's not to show up to meetings about it - um, hello have you seen Heroes? And I can't make it tuesday because I have a date with Olivia Benson. No doubt the economy is in shambles as well. No one shows up to work - not all of us have the best immune systems or can stifle the need to ditch and see a movie, after all how many chances will you get to see Ghost Rider? Not many would be the answer.

So please people, try not to just toss out the hopes and dreams of excusesville. And don't underestimate the beauty of the trees out there come fall. Just don't expect anyone to rake their lawns, because the doctors said they shouldn't do anything to agitate their backs. You know, hernia and all....

It occured to me earlier when a new birth control commercial was on TV to ask anyone in pharmaceuticals:

Is there any birth control available that can prevent immaculate conceptions?

I think it's unfair that adults don't get to play in ball pits at any fast food establishments such as McDonalds or Chuck E Cheese. Why is all the fun reserved for children who clearly don't appreciate it? Instead of enjoying just drifting around in the lagoon of plastic balls they have to throw them at one another or try to put them in their mouths. Kids just don't deserve to play around all day. Sure there are laws against putting kids to work but I mean hey, what good is it doing us? We need reality TV shows to teach us how to raise our spoiled kids - and we get schooled by British nannies! Besides, people break the law all the time. How many of you have turned right on red even though the sign told you not to? The trick is to not get caught.

Just follow my logic here for a sec. If we put our kids to work it will teach them responsibility. If they are responsible they treat the ball pits as a privilege. Also, with kids working they can buy their own damn toys and maybe come xmas time they'll actually buy something for us adults for a change.

If this doesn't work then I propose that there be a fine establishment that is willing to install a ball pit strictly for it's paying customers. Also I feel like there should be a giant inflatable castle of sorts. That way you can burn away your meal after the fact. Jump away that morbid obesity. Get america to not realize they are exercising. It's that or genetically engineered food that tastes delish but has no calories. That way we can all have our dreams come true and become Nicole Richie, minus the whole driving on the wrong side of the freeway business of course.

In general I personally really don't like it when 9 year olds are more successful than I am. I'm talking about Dakota Fanning here. Is it luck? Talent? I can be adorable. I can pretend to be Tom Cruise's daughter in a blockbuster film. Could I have become a child star if I simply grew up in LA and had a fame crazy mom?

If this happened I wouldn't be the person I am, but maybe close enough and millions of dollars richer. What I do know is that in comparison I feel confident in saying I got some wisdom over Dakota. Also what kind of name is Dakota? Nobody lives in North or South Dakota and it's boring there - I know because I never went. I feel even more confident that I could kick her ass. She's probably like 60lbs soaking wet. Pretty much all I need to do is blow pretty hard in her direction and she's on the ground. Stupid kids, they go down so easy and the best part is, they don't properly know how to fight back. Adults win!

Anyways, that girl is spreading herself too thin, she's not far from pulling a Lindsey Lohan aka Drinky McRehab. I'll just have to wait for the eventual crash and burn before I can truely feel closure. She might be richer than I am and half my age but I'm driving a relatively eco friendly car. So take that...whore!

ok good talk. I feel positive about it.

I feel that there should be some kind of law in place that bans the reselling of underwear. Thrift stores, listen up. I love you and your unwanted DARE shirts, your in mint condish member's only jackets, and of course the festive vacation shirts from Florida. However, I question why you would resell old underwear. You can bleach them all you want, but I know there were skid marks on them at some point and I'm not ok with that.

Once again my thoughts prove to me that I should probably be the Master of the Universe if such a position should open. At the very least I should be President. Now this new proposal I have would save many lives and make the world safer. And no, it doesn't involve any terrorists. How is that possible? Well it's called a car.

Yeah that thing you drive, that most people drive even if they aren't really qualified to do so - old people I'm talking to you. Well I was thinking while in the car the other day that so many people speed and I'm sure cops really hate having to pull highway patrol duty or that the highway patrol squad is kind of a joke. I mean sure it's fun to chase people who are crazy dodging in between cars. However for some it's kind of a hassle.

As such I dare to ask...Why exactly do we have cars that go 120MPH? Have you ever gone that fast? Ever been in a situation that you needed to be going that fast? And no trying to make it to a movie on time doesn't count, nor does fleeing the police. Now honestly, can't we get rid of the whole problem of speeding by not allowing cars to go over 90MPH? Make those roads safer and keep the wallets bigger for those who continue to get speeding tickets.

Yeah I'm sure people will jack up their cars so they can speed, or that by allowing cop cars to go faster people might feel like cops would abuse their power. But I mean c'mon, they're going to abuse it anyway. Let the fuzz have their fun.

In response to the President's speech about the new changes in Iraq, I decided there was a very short comment I wanted to make. This quick point comes from my of course young-minded-hippy-loving-leftist-agenda self who supports all them gays. That being said.

It blows my mind number one that the length of this war has surpassed that of WWII. That being said, it's been about 4 years and of all the things the President has done you would think he would be able to pronounce the damn country's name properly. I-rack this I-rack that. You want to give them freedom, start by pronouncing it properly. I-rock.

Perhaps a little catch phrase word association would work. Something like: "I Rock with my plan in Iraq." That of course would be a dirty lie. HEY-O! Score ONE for me!

Either that or go with the clever Arrested Development Bluthe Company phrase: "Stronger than a rock!"

And I just couldn't help but add this quote from the show...
Michael to GOB: Yeah I dunno how using the phrase, 'Stronger than a rock" will help people forget we built houses in Iraq.

He was on FOX and he pronounced it right, so I don't see what the problem is.

After watching several incredible Meryl Streep performances I have decided to draft her a letter.

Dear Meryl,

First off I wanted to start by saying I know you are married. Let's just get that out in the open. Also I know same sex marriages are controversial so if you did decide to leave your husband we could only really get a civil union in Mass. However, I'm not really interested in that either.

You see after watching your performance in Sofie's Choice I could no longer hold back my love. No it's not really a love for you as a person - to be honest I don't even know your birthday. But what I do love is your talent. Now I figure you probs like to seperate your work from your family. As such I was wondering if you would be willing to have a professionally based affair with me. You could tell your family you are preparing for a role or whatevs. I know you def have more money than me but I'll treat you right - you know, always unlock the door for you in the car.

Now don't flatter yourself. Yes you are attractive but let's be serious, you are also getting older. Not that you don't look great but I think it would be pretty ridiculous for me, an astounding good looking young 20-something to have an affair with you, possibily the greatest living actress. I mean c'mon that's just crazy talk.

Though I must make this clear, it's not really the whole you I'm interested in courting. It's that little thing you have that makes me swoon...your talent. So only like 50% of you or so has to have this affair. And I'm not going to pressure you to do anything you don't want to do. I'm down for just talking or holding hands, maybe some spooning. Who knows? Just let it happen. That's how I roll.

So if you are interested in having a strictly talent based love/intense friendship affair with me, please by all means hit me up on my cell. Since I haven't really told you much about myself I'll let you do the work by checking out my facebook and/or myspace page.

Ok I have to go because the latest Miami Ink is on.

Heterosexually yours,
Colleen

PS - If you don't respond I will take that as a yes and I'll swing by to pick you up. Take you to brunch a Ihop.

It's been awhile but I have decided to return. The new year is full of resolutions that will likely fade in the coming months but I am finding the strength to write again on a regular basis. I was posting articles over at www.publichouseentertainment.com but I'm not sure what's going on right now. As such I'mmo do this my way. So here is the latest article I did write for the holiday season a few weeks ago.

I think it's still timely. But if you don't think so you can just jump into your time machine. Oh, what's that? You don't have one. Hmm...aint that a shame.


Even though there are plenty of advertisements telling me it’s Christmas time – oh sorry I mean “Holiday Time”- I’m still not buying. Perhaps it’s the West Coast’s lack of winter weather, which I don’t really mind. But not having to scrape frozen rain off the front of my car in the morning as I curse under my breath did seem to add to the holiday season. I almost miss freezing my ass off….almost.

I’m pretty sure most people are aware that the whole month of December has becoming increasingly commercialized over the years. I’m not about to go on a rant, that has been happening year after year. People go on about the movie specials or long lines at stores or lack of charity. Whatever, life is rough. You don’t have a house and I don’t have Playstation 3. Though I must say if I were homeless I’d make sure to milk the holiday spirit for all it’s worth and save up my earnings to last me the year. Wrap up that turkey leg and save it for later. Thank you soup kitchen!

But I digress, my real issue this coming season has to do with a certain decoration I keep spotting. Now I must start by saying I’m all for Christmas lights. In fact I will most likely be that one asshole on the block who leaves them up all year long. Not only because I’m too lazy to take them down but I simply like the addition. Call me simple but I think lights are pretty. It just looks cooler to be driving around at night and see things lit up. It also would help after I’ve had a few beers. If your house is lit up I’m less likely to hit it.

Though I’m sure they don’t stay up because the sheer joy of only seeing these up for a month makes it all the more special. If this were true maybe recently married couples, especially the celebrity ones, should only see each other once a year. Then perhaps it would last longer. Just saying.

Ok now back to the real issue. The decoration that is taking over. The giant inflatable snow globe. As if the smaller ones weren’t getting enough play we have to blow it up.

Now as annoyed as I want to be over this invention I have to congratulate the inventor. Yes it is completely unnecessary but finally the snow globe is making a come back. First of all you don’t have to shake it, it’ll blow the snow around over and over. Second of all it it’s more to scale. For too long I wasn’t able to really identify with the mini people and their snow covered village. There were just too damn small. I’d strain to figure out if the mini person was wearing a scarf or the paint job was bad. But now I can clearly make out any scene.

In fact I think the only way to improve such an item would be allowing me to go inside. Now I can help the school children finish making that snowman or I can just freak the hell out of my neighbors by waving at them for hours and hours. I’d only really have to worry about choking on the fake snow flying all around. But think about it – you could custom make your snow globe. Dress up like Darth Vadar and swing that 100 dollar lightsaber around. You know the one that’s always in Spencer’s Gifts. Hell you could have a whole lightsaber flight to save baby Jesus! That would really jazz up the holiday spirit and start a dialogue between people. Though it would probably be about how you lost your mind.

Finally we can go back to feeling there are true Christmas miracles happening in our towns. Ones loosely based off of a George Lucas franchise.