This is semi-old news but when I first heard Ellen Degeneres was going to be a judge on American Idol I thought it was a joke. Aren't you busy with a successful talk show that shoots all week? Not to mention those amusing American Express commercials. How much more dancing must you bring to America? Have mercy! The Baby Boomers are getting old and busting a move will throw our their backs.

Don't you have a super hot GF to go home to? Unless...uh-oh, you don't WANT to go home. I see what's happening here. Well, avoiding the problem by spending more time with Randy's "Dog Pound" won't help you out of the...Dog House. (You see what I did there, clever right?)

After all, you're both women, I'm sure you can talk it out. I mean, am I right, fellas?!

I watched Boogie Nights for the first time today and I am so surprised that nothing good comes from sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It just seems Hollywood makes you think it's a lethal combo. I mean sure there are your ups and downs with life in the fast lane, the walk of shame has to happen at some point. Honestly, the cops don't know what's up and doing impromptu drug hustles usually work out. Only a few times have people been shot that I've witnessed. No big.

You know where else people get shot? War. And you don't see Hollywood making ANY films about that. Especially Iraq ones. I mean it's been like less than 4 months since the last one. Slackers. This ish is happening!

truth bomb: dropped.

I encourage all you new readers to use the handy dandy "Search Oldschool" feature to the right and look up "second grade." Awhile back I posted some gems from my second grade journal. It's probably some of the funniest stuff I ever wrote. I peaked at 9.

Today I'd like to discuss that PitBull song "Hotel Room Service." He's one of those rap stars the kids listen to. Now in his song he talks about taking the ladies to a "hotel, motel, Holiday Inn."

This got me to think about these options. If I had to choose between the three what would it be?

Hotel - this could be nice, or sketchy. It's vague. Best Western or Ritz? It's a gamble and seeing that I don't even like playing the quarter machines in casinos, makes me slightly nervous that I'd be sorely disappointed with the lack of a kitchenett. Not that I need to cook, but do we HAVE to go out and eat, I mean I gotta watch this figure, it's not happening by accident.

Motel - def not. If I'm interested in a drug deal or hanging out with tranny hookers then yes. I apologize to those respectable hole in the walls, but you'd probs be on my side with this.

Holiday Inn - affordable. I think, weekend get away with the kids or where you stay when you have a soccer tournament. I know what to expect here. It's a safe bet that you won't have a GREAT time but it won't be awful either. And I'm ok with mediocrity. I choose you, Pikachu!

That being said I'd never go to a Holiday Inn with Pitbull. Maybe mini golf.

Let's take a moment to discuss stalkers. Yes, thanks to things like the interwebz (aka information superhighway), and Facebook you can find just about anybody. But remember the good ol' days before that? When you had to be crazy enough to hop on a plane, fly to LA, get a star map, go on a tour to scope out the house, then return later under cover of darkness. Or so I assume. It's quiet an investment.

Now - boop, bop, beep - enter key - and behold! semi nude, blurry photo of what's her face.

But regardless if you are an oldschool or newschool stalker, does it really work out? For example, the guy who went for Jodie Foster years ago. I mean, dude, she's still gay, at best you are a friend. I doubt celebs are impressed with the ability to jump the fence to their house and your juking skillz as their security tackles you to the ground. Oh, hello Court Order, so nice to see you again.

Has any celeb ever said, "Wow, you are too legit to quit. You really do care. Let's go enjoy the endless salad bar at Olive Garden." Even Courtney Love isn't that crazy, nor classy enough for the likes of the fine italian cuisine of said chain restaurants.

By the way I want to throw it out there I think I'd make a great non threatening stalker. I think I'd try to just move in and be the new neighbor. Though I'm sure I couldn't afford a house in the B. Hills, so maybe I'd just sneak onto their neighbor's yard with a hose and be outside in my PJs, you know, watering. They come out to get the paper and I'm all too cool for school:

ME: "Hi there. I'm not at all flustered by your presence what so ever."
CELEB: Good morning charming young lass. Say would you like to join me at (insert name dropping event)?
ME: "What's that you're having a BBQ and I'm invited? I have to see that I'm free."

It's only a matter of time, Pat Sajak.

If I was independently wealthy or a trust fund baby I wouldn't invest in the stock market, yachts, movies, or even a pool full of money to swim in, Scrooge McDuck style.

Now don't go thinking I'd give it away to charity. That's ridiculous. I'd put the money into a much needed franchise:

Vampire/Jedi research institutions

That's right, let's make these things real. Let's find ways to not just have fictional shows about vampires, but reality shows. Then maybe something like Big Brother could be slightly interesting. Also if we can create Jedi's then we'd get lightsabers. Real ones, not the ones available at a Spencer's Gifts near you. I'm talking about caulderizing arms off in sketchy cantina's when they give you lip.

It's not like we don't have enough money or enough volunteers. This could even be a solution to some of our economy woes. You want to decrease state spending on incarceration? Write to your congressman. Hello. May I introduce you to my good friend, Jail? All they do is watch tv and get shanked. At least now they can lead the way to a better tomorrow. We'll only use them for the testing phase because obvs (obviously) they can't become Jedi since they are bad. They'll go all Sith on us and ruin everything. Can't have that, no sir.

Though it may be small in size, the power of the Fanny Pack is a true force to be reckoned with.