While watching Wheel of Fortune, two things occurred to me.

1. If I was on that show and won big I would make sure I had the show taped and watched it again and again in order to boost my self esteem when I was feeling down. Every so often I would most likely burst out - I WAS ON THE WHEEL!

2. One of the puzzles was before and after: Oprah's Book Club Sandwich
You know you are a big deal when you get a puzzle on the wheel o fortune. She don't need no awards!

Also I'm not sure what the weight list is to be a contestant but I'm sure it's really frustrating if you spent like a month studying up on useless knowledge and watching reruns and then get out done by some soccer mom who never lands on Bankrupt and wins all the prizes you dream about. So close and yet so far.

There should be more beauty products out there for men. Yes I'm sure you can say, but men don't really care about their hair or skin. And I say, well I watched a bunch of Queer Eye in my day and I think the boys would have something to say about that. It's about time that all men, not just the gay ones, get to see commercials telling them to watch out for the age spots.

If I was a guy I'd feel left out of not being pressured into being more self conscious. I mean sure its nice to know that if I'm overweight but have a good sense of humor, more than likely I can get a hot sitcom wife...but I'd wish some of those Kristy Ally-Jenny Craig commercials were telling me that I could still enjoy my chocolate mousse and look good. I'd want to know what if felt like to have an eating disorder. Ho-Hum, what are you to do?

Well maybe you can just feel overwhelmed by those adorable leads on the CW shows.

You know who I'm getting really tired of? That automated voice woman from cell phone voicemails. You know what lady, phones have been around long enough that I know how to use it and how to leave a message. I am not crippled by the sound of a beep so badly that I have no idea what to do. Guess what? No one really leaves their name or number, they mostly go for the brief message since the person they are calling probably has the number stored in the phone. It's a little something called "contacts." Look it up! Also there have been many a time that I have left long semi incoherent ramblings on voicemails so please do excuse me if I don't heed your advice. For a robot, you are pretty dumb.

OMG! Have you guys heard? Obama's friend Gaffen totally dissed Hilary. He was all like, "she's a crazy ho, I hate her."

and then Hilary was like, "oh no you didn't. Obama you bes not take his monies or I will bitch slap you."

Obama goes all, "You trippin', he' ain't really ma friend. Shoot."

Gaffen heard him and is like, "I'm rich bitch!"

Then Hilary was all, "Bring it!"

Obama tried to be diplomatic but then was like, "I'm not afraid of no white ho!"

And an intense threeway slap fight began. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me or you'd see that ish on youtube in a heartbeat. Probs even CNN is they pay up. But it happened. Scouts honor.

It's official Britney Spear has lost her DAMN mind. How many sane women do you know who have shaved heads? Think for a minute. And no, you don't know Natalie Portman so that doesn't count. Plus she did that for a movie.

Then she, Britney, went and got a tattoo. Sealing the deal as a biker lesbian.

Now I don't know if you were forced to read that short story in high school english about the young guy who gets peer pressured into getting a tattoo. He doesn't even look, just picks out a random one. Just so happens to be a blue bird. Very manly. And he winds up regretting it. Shock, surprise.

Although I'm not planning on getting a tattoo, if I did I'd make sure it was something that I liked. But see, I'm very fickle. Also I wouldn't want there to be a chance of being judged so out goes my mural of The X Files and Star Wars. But I do like sugar cookies. Perhaps I could rock a sugar cookie. Thems delish!

Either way I wouldn't think to put lips on my wrist as one bald/crazy Spears did. Unless the lips were eating a sugar cookie. Then I MIGHT consider it.

For all who don't know you can get a video dose of me if you go to Google and search for California Update under the video tab.

Rinse and Repeat.

Also search Bootleg Series for an amusing take on Jaw, Titanic, and Star Wars.

I get why we have dead presidents on our money to pay tribute and all, but I think we can make it better. I feel one person can trump all the Jacksons and dare I say – Benjamins. Ever heard of some guy named GOD?

That’s right I’m proposing we put God money into circulation. God money would force people to be financially responsible and frown upon using it for socially immoral investments. It would be a bit harder to buy those drugs and that hooker if you had to hand over god money. God would be all looking and you and waging his finger. Think about the impact it could have on mob activity.

It could benefit the common folk as well. People would really think before splurging. Do I really need that plasma tv? I dunno that’s a whole lot of God, even with the down payment of the holy ghost and mother mary.

Also what if we start making some Jesus pennies? I don’t think we’d continue to debate whether or not we should get rid of them.

It’s a goal of mine to get famous enough that when I die there can be a really cheesy montage set to light piano keys. This montage will hopefully be full of clips from past movies or tv appearances I have done featuring:

Turning around and being surprised by an old friend who makes me smile
Trying to explain myself out of a sticky situation
As a cop
Getting hit in the face with a pie
As a doctor
Making an “I Don’t Think So” face
As a lawyer
Gazing off solemnly into the distance
Tearfully embracing a man
Waving goodbye in slow motion
And of course saying that famous line of mine in that super hit movie:
“Well, I guess I’ll see you around…” as I slide on some sunglasses
Hopefully after that place it will cross dissolve into me walking away alone into the distance. That or I continue to wave out the window of an old train as it pulls out of the station.

Naturally afterwards there is an honorary award named after me. The Colleen Evanson Tot Aws award. That has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

Despite the 80s I feel pretty confident in stating that in the world of today the only acceptable time one would be allowed to sport a wind suit is if one's occupation was an elementary school gym teacher. You know the type. Neon bright combinations of pink, yellow, and silver/grey placed strategically along the fabric to create ever so flattering zig zag lines. Naturally the jacket matches the swishy pants. Finish it off with a pair of white keds and the whistle necklace.

I don't know about you but our teacher would write our names on the chalkboard and if we were lucky enough to accurately execute the art of dodgeball - you'd get a star. A gold star? Oh no, much better than that. A chalk star. That's right. I got a few in my day.

But I digress. I wonder where exactly you can find a track/wind suit now a days except a thrift store. Is there a special cateloge or store? Perhaps something along the lines of doctor clothes. A place you are free to shop without people thinking you are MC Hammer.

I'm sure that's really what Dr. Martin Luther King was talking about when he said, "I have a dream..." You probably think it had something to do with equal rights for black people but he was really talking about wind pants. That's a little known fact, Jack. You've just been brainwashed by "school." PSSSHT What a joke. All you really need is The Learning Channel and an active imagination and/or ADHD.

So in a few hours I will turn 23. I'm not one for making a big deal out of the ol' birthday. I mostly go around feeling relatively awkward all day. When people say happy birthday, it's not that I'm not thankful they are thinking of me but I just don't really know what the proper response is supposed to be. Wanting to be polite I have to stiffle the impulse to say, "thanks, you too!" And they all look at you, unlike a holiday like Christmas where you all get gifts. I could have been PC just then and said "holiday" but you know what, I'm not jewish, so there's pretty much no other holidays.

Gifts are even worse. Do I open it now? Wait til later? Oh you want me to read the card first. OK. To be honest, half the time I skim over it so fast because after all - I want to get to the actual thing. Because of that I mostly play off of what they think my reaction should be to the card.

Example: If it has a witty phrase in it, they look at you with a laugh and chuckle. Logically I follow along.

It's not too hard.

Then the gifts. If it's not money or a gift card or a DVD it's always a toss up. Will I have to pretend I like it? I hate being dishonest but it's one of those things. We tell our kids to be honest but white lies don't hurt. After all the 300lb man knows he's fat, we don't need to tell him that. So stop pointing little Johnny, that's rude.

Just once I would really appreciate it if the models used in those anti-aging commercials were over 30 years old. Better yet, why don't they just hire teenagers or how about some babies. That way women will still have an interest in seeing the ad since we all know women just love them babies. They'll get sucked in to their cute, lineless faces running around in diapers. You think it's a Huggies promo but WHAM the kids start talking. They can gurgle or what have you and we can just put in subtitles. Or maybe we can see if a throw back to "Look Who's Talking" that way it's a triple threat of a commercial.

Adorable babies + anti-aging + reference to an 80s cinematic classic = ski high sales

Get that ish on you tube and it's over. I'm tell you I need to start my own ad company. I'm walking around here with a gold mine of a brain people!

I was watching a promo for the new reality show called Top Design on Bravo. And yes, I'm sorry but it was while watching Top Chef - hey I got to watch something on Bravo while I wait for Project Runway to return.

Anyways this one designer who is going to be a main judge was making a comment about one of the contestants. He said, "he was like the mayor of excusesville"

Two things came to mind:

1. What if there really is a mayor of excusesville. He's been trying to change the way people see the town, boost tourism, but then WHAM a cable network goes and ruins his campaign. He must be heart broken.

2. I feel for the citizens in excusesville. I'm sure they try their hardest but things just never get done and they have their reasons why. Unfortunately their education system is going down the drain because there are just so many reason's not to show up to meetings about it - um, hello have you seen Heroes? And I can't make it tuesday because I have a date with Olivia Benson. No doubt the economy is in shambles as well. No one shows up to work - not all of us have the best immune systems or can stifle the need to ditch and see a movie, after all how many chances will you get to see Ghost Rider? Not many would be the answer.

So please people, try not to just toss out the hopes and dreams of excusesville. And don't underestimate the beauty of the trees out there come fall. Just don't expect anyone to rake their lawns, because the doctors said they shouldn't do anything to agitate their backs. You know, hernia and all....

It occured to me earlier when a new birth control commercial was on TV to ask anyone in pharmaceuticals:

Is there any birth control available that can prevent immaculate conceptions?

I think it's unfair that adults don't get to play in ball pits at any fast food establishments such as McDonalds or Chuck E Cheese. Why is all the fun reserved for children who clearly don't appreciate it? Instead of enjoying just drifting around in the lagoon of plastic balls they have to throw them at one another or try to put them in their mouths. Kids just don't deserve to play around all day. Sure there are laws against putting kids to work but I mean hey, what good is it doing us? We need reality TV shows to teach us how to raise our spoiled kids - and we get schooled by British nannies! Besides, people break the law all the time. How many of you have turned right on red even though the sign told you not to? The trick is to not get caught.

Just follow my logic here for a sec. If we put our kids to work it will teach them responsibility. If they are responsible they treat the ball pits as a privilege. Also, with kids working they can buy their own damn toys and maybe come xmas time they'll actually buy something for us adults for a change.

If this doesn't work then I propose that there be a fine establishment that is willing to install a ball pit strictly for it's paying customers. Also I feel like there should be a giant inflatable castle of sorts. That way you can burn away your meal after the fact. Jump away that morbid obesity. Get america to not realize they are exercising. It's that or genetically engineered food that tastes delish but has no calories. That way we can all have our dreams come true and become Nicole Richie, minus the whole driving on the wrong side of the freeway business of course.

In general I personally really don't like it when 9 year olds are more successful than I am. I'm talking about Dakota Fanning here. Is it luck? Talent? I can be adorable. I can pretend to be Tom Cruise's daughter in a blockbuster film. Could I have become a child star if I simply grew up in LA and had a fame crazy mom?

If this happened I wouldn't be the person I am, but maybe close enough and millions of dollars richer. What I do know is that in comparison I feel confident in saying I got some wisdom over Dakota. Also what kind of name is Dakota? Nobody lives in North or South Dakota and it's boring there - I know because I never went. I feel even more confident that I could kick her ass. She's probably like 60lbs soaking wet. Pretty much all I need to do is blow pretty hard in her direction and she's on the ground. Stupid kids, they go down so easy and the best part is, they don't properly know how to fight back. Adults win!

Anyways, that girl is spreading herself too thin, she's not far from pulling a Lindsey Lohan aka Drinky McRehab. I'll just have to wait for the eventual crash and burn before I can truely feel closure. She might be richer than I am and half my age but I'm driving a relatively eco friendly car. So take that...whore!

ok good talk. I feel positive about it.

I feel that there should be some kind of law in place that bans the reselling of underwear. Thrift stores, listen up. I love you and your unwanted DARE shirts, your in mint condish member's only jackets, and of course the festive vacation shirts from Florida. However, I question why you would resell old underwear. You can bleach them all you want, but I know there were skid marks on them at some point and I'm not ok with that.

Once again my thoughts prove to me that I should probably be the Master of the Universe if such a position should open. At the very least I should be President. Now this new proposal I have would save many lives and make the world safer. And no, it doesn't involve any terrorists. How is that possible? Well it's called a car.

Yeah that thing you drive, that most people drive even if they aren't really qualified to do so - old people I'm talking to you. Well I was thinking while in the car the other day that so many people speed and I'm sure cops really hate having to pull highway patrol duty or that the highway patrol squad is kind of a joke. I mean sure it's fun to chase people who are crazy dodging in between cars. However for some it's kind of a hassle.

As such I dare to ask...Why exactly do we have cars that go 120MPH? Have you ever gone that fast? Ever been in a situation that you needed to be going that fast? And no trying to make it to a movie on time doesn't count, nor does fleeing the police. Now honestly, can't we get rid of the whole problem of speeding by not allowing cars to go over 90MPH? Make those roads safer and keep the wallets bigger for those who continue to get speeding tickets.

Yeah I'm sure people will jack up their cars so they can speed, or that by allowing cop cars to go faster people might feel like cops would abuse their power. But I mean c'mon, they're going to abuse it anyway. Let the fuzz have their fun.

In response to the President's speech about the new changes in Iraq, I decided there was a very short comment I wanted to make. This quick point comes from my of course young-minded-hippy-loving-leftist-agenda self who supports all them gays. That being said.

It blows my mind number one that the length of this war has surpassed that of WWII. That being said, it's been about 4 years and of all the things the President has done you would think he would be able to pronounce the damn country's name properly. I-rack this I-rack that. You want to give them freedom, start by pronouncing it properly. I-rock.

Perhaps a little catch phrase word association would work. Something like: "I Rock with my plan in Iraq." That of course would be a dirty lie. HEY-O! Score ONE for me!

Either that or go with the clever Arrested Development Bluthe Company phrase: "Stronger than a rock!"

And I just couldn't help but add this quote from the show...
Michael to GOB: Yeah I dunno how using the phrase, 'Stronger than a rock" will help people forget we built houses in Iraq.

He was on FOX and he pronounced it right, so I don't see what the problem is.

After watching several incredible Meryl Streep performances I have decided to draft her a letter.

Dear Meryl,

First off I wanted to start by saying I know you are married. Let's just get that out in the open. Also I know same sex marriages are controversial so if you did decide to leave your husband we could only really get a civil union in Mass. However, I'm not really interested in that either.

You see after watching your performance in Sofie's Choice I could no longer hold back my love. No it's not really a love for you as a person - to be honest I don't even know your birthday. But what I do love is your talent. Now I figure you probs like to seperate your work from your family. As such I was wondering if you would be willing to have a professionally based affair with me. You could tell your family you are preparing for a role or whatevs. I know you def have more money than me but I'll treat you right - you know, always unlock the door for you in the car.

Now don't flatter yourself. Yes you are attractive but let's be serious, you are also getting older. Not that you don't look great but I think it would be pretty ridiculous for me, an astounding good looking young 20-something to have an affair with you, possibily the greatest living actress. I mean c'mon that's just crazy talk.

Though I must make this clear, it's not really the whole you I'm interested in courting. It's that little thing you have that makes me swoon...your talent. So only like 50% of you or so has to have this affair. And I'm not going to pressure you to do anything you don't want to do. I'm down for just talking or holding hands, maybe some spooning. Who knows? Just let it happen. That's how I roll.

So if you are interested in having a strictly talent based love/intense friendship affair with me, please by all means hit me up on my cell. Since I haven't really told you much about myself I'll let you do the work by checking out my facebook and/or myspace page.

Ok I have to go because the latest Miami Ink is on.

Heterosexually yours,
Colleen

PS - If you don't respond I will take that as a yes and I'll swing by to pick you up. Take you to brunch a Ihop.

It's been awhile but I have decided to return. The new year is full of resolutions that will likely fade in the coming months but I am finding the strength to write again on a regular basis. I was posting articles over at www.publichouseentertainment.com but I'm not sure what's going on right now. As such I'mmo do this my way. So here is the latest article I did write for the holiday season a few weeks ago.

I think it's still timely. But if you don't think so you can just jump into your time machine. Oh, what's that? You don't have one. Hmm...aint that a shame.


Even though there are plenty of advertisements telling me it’s Christmas time – oh sorry I mean “Holiday Time”- I’m still not buying. Perhaps it’s the West Coast’s lack of winter weather, which I don’t really mind. But not having to scrape frozen rain off the front of my car in the morning as I curse under my breath did seem to add to the holiday season. I almost miss freezing my ass off….almost.

I’m pretty sure most people are aware that the whole month of December has becoming increasingly commercialized over the years. I’m not about to go on a rant, that has been happening year after year. People go on about the movie specials or long lines at stores or lack of charity. Whatever, life is rough. You don’t have a house and I don’t have Playstation 3. Though I must say if I were homeless I’d make sure to milk the holiday spirit for all it’s worth and save up my earnings to last me the year. Wrap up that turkey leg and save it for later. Thank you soup kitchen!

But I digress, my real issue this coming season has to do with a certain decoration I keep spotting. Now I must start by saying I’m all for Christmas lights. In fact I will most likely be that one asshole on the block who leaves them up all year long. Not only because I’m too lazy to take them down but I simply like the addition. Call me simple but I think lights are pretty. It just looks cooler to be driving around at night and see things lit up. It also would help after I’ve had a few beers. If your house is lit up I’m less likely to hit it.

Though I’m sure they don’t stay up because the sheer joy of only seeing these up for a month makes it all the more special. If this were true maybe recently married couples, especially the celebrity ones, should only see each other once a year. Then perhaps it would last longer. Just saying.

Ok now back to the real issue. The decoration that is taking over. The giant inflatable snow globe. As if the smaller ones weren’t getting enough play we have to blow it up.

Now as annoyed as I want to be over this invention I have to congratulate the inventor. Yes it is completely unnecessary but finally the snow globe is making a come back. First of all you don’t have to shake it, it’ll blow the snow around over and over. Second of all it it’s more to scale. For too long I wasn’t able to really identify with the mini people and their snow covered village. There were just too damn small. I’d strain to figure out if the mini person was wearing a scarf or the paint job was bad. But now I can clearly make out any scene.

In fact I think the only way to improve such an item would be allowing me to go inside. Now I can help the school children finish making that snowman or I can just freak the hell out of my neighbors by waving at them for hours and hours. I’d only really have to worry about choking on the fake snow flying all around. But think about it – you could custom make your snow globe. Dress up like Darth Vadar and swing that 100 dollar lightsaber around. You know the one that’s always in Spencer’s Gifts. Hell you could have a whole lightsaber flight to save baby Jesus! That would really jazz up the holiday spirit and start a dialogue between people. Though it would probably be about how you lost your mind.

Finally we can go back to feeling there are true Christmas miracles happening in our towns. Ones loosely based off of a George Lucas franchise.