Baja Day 7... I think.

Thanks to the power being out and the generous poolside margaritas from our various novios, Liz and I still have no idea what day or time it is. And you know what? We don’t care. We wake up in the morning knowing Baja Joe invited some neighbors over for tea and coffee except the electric is still out so no coffee. Oopps. Shit happens when you're drunk. Liz and I go for a warm up jog and find James's place so Liz can get the sourdough starter he claims is 100 years old. But sad story - he aint' home. So close!! We return to Baja Joe and Lindsey's and exercise with rocks - the free-weights of champions.

Then we head down to the pool by 11am to sign up. According to Uncle Mike's forecast the night before, today by the pools was “gonna be mobbed." Well it’s not, and he’s a no show to kick our asses as he claimed he would. He's 0-2. Liz and I both sign up and trade places by the laptops to play. Team 2 and Team 3 represent! My team sucks for a bit. It’s windy so we are freezing. 

JJ is there and a tad bit insecure. He's convinced I somehow hate him because I didn't say hello. But that's hard to do when I don't see you. Newcomer Dustin arrives(Devan's bro, Dawnette's son, and eventually Liz's hero - wait for it).

He and I bond over tv/film/snowboarding/injuries. Hollywood Ron shares more delish tequila. And I’m drunk by 2pm. Baja Joe shows up to pick us up as we forgot he was our ride - the pool is a total time suck in the best way imaginable. He chats with Liz in the hot tub and leaves. He’ll be back by 4:30pm. But then JJ gives us a ride by 4pm. We hope to see Joe along the way but don't. We get to the house, Joe’s still out. Liz and I shower quick. JJ says we smell like girls, but really we just smell like clean.

We drive back to the pool hoping to find Joe. No dice. This is what happens without cell phones. And people did this for centuries? JJ has to check in with his mom for the resort house business. He takes some of her booze (as per usual). She sees and just frowns (as per usual). She tells him before he can go to the pool party fun he has to get milk. He drops us off at said pool party fun. Says he’ll be back in a bit. 

We meet up with Dustin, Dawnette, and Rosio/Rosario/Rosia? (We couldn't remember). Bocce ball happens. Dustin and I are a team. JJ is a no show so Liz teams with Hollywood Ron (who keeps telling us how he owns a bocce ball court). They expect a win, but they lose, and he blames Liz. She sees him get legit mad for a hot minute: "oh he don’t like me no more." Dustin and I destroy a family. See below: 

"Squat all you want, Dad, you're going down!" But our hubris gets the better of us. The next game we tie break and lose by an inch to Debbie and her (chump/not chump) husband. Shenanigans! How will we cope with this upset? What's that? Dustin is friends with the bartender who will hook us up with dollar/free margaritas?! Yes, please. I party foul. How will I ever get another one?

Travis and Sean show up, crashing the party. Liz and I yell out in surprise: "Travis and Sean!" Dawnette is stoked to see them too: "TRAVIS AND SEAN!" Her enthusiasm makes Liz and I ask how she knows them. She doesn't. Meh. All good. Liz is starving. I bait Dustin by saying "You know who likes guagamole? Liz." and "Do they serve chips here?" He doesn’t pick up what I'm throwing down. Squawks! But Rocio does (that's her actual name but Rosio was close, right?). We all go to eat.

We go to Andre’s aka where Liz and I were on night one, totes barracha (drunk) with Baja Joe and Lindsey. As we walk in Liz and I hypothetically discuss which of the boys we’d make out with if the opportunity presented itself. Gotta be prepared. Back to the food: I get the recommended "Volcano" aka a goblet full of deliciousness. 

I ate it all. As well as all the chips. It's only a matter of time before the diabetes kicks in. We get margaritas and green burritos. Liz actually takes pictures of people eating together – not just the food. Wha!? Su novios… 

We head over to the Jolly Mon bar. "Da Jolly Mon!" (to be said in the worst of Jamaican accents). 

According to the sign, you are not allowed to smoke.

Never. EVER. Seriously, you guys. 

By the grace of God it's Karaoke Night and Bubba (the best/only DJ in town) is there. Score. Liz keeps drinking, I start downing water. We are asked to dance by old men. Sure thang! We rock it out, and out dance them. Liz later says -  the amount we work out, we better be able to out dance them. Dawnette falls in love with our moves yelling over the 90s beats that "you’re incredible!" Dawnette's actual novio Robbie (who works at the resort) sings "Shot through the Heart," I back him up with interpretive dance moves. I mean, someone had to do it. I take many videos of Liz dancing with old men and new friends. At one point she’s with an old guy who takes off his hat. Travis comments how he was thinking the old guy was gonna put it on Liz’s head but that she’s probably not interested. I correct him saying hells no, she def wants to wear it. She then puts on his hat. I win!

Sean and Travis try to request songs Bubba doesn’t have them or just pretends not too because they aren’t cute girls. Liz asks Bubba what a good song to do is – he can’t think of any. We start to realize Bubba may not be the best DJ around. Karaoke Liz and Dustin attempt "Sweet Caroline." It's not their best, so Robbie who turns out is a Neil Diamond impersonator swoops in to save the day. Liz lets her bicept sing instead. Here's a picture of NOT Liz, but it is accurately blurry.

Devan shows up with some new friends - Ramon and Shea aka the toothless wonder. He got the nickname because he came down to Mexico to get his teeth done as it's wicked cheap. Then got into a fight back in the US where he got his new shiny teeth knocked out so he had to come back to Mexivo to get it done again. Classy. We dance, the kids grind a bit. We all circle up, bust out the sprinkler, running man, cabbage patch, the dad dance (you know it). We get hot and take breaks. I order more water, but then a song comes on I like, I keep dancing, I return, my water is pretty much gone. I feel like I keep ordering ALL the water and am convinced the bartender is thinking --- "damn gurl."

We close the place down. Our ride left so we bat our eyes and ask one of our many novios to take us home. Travis and Sean won’t be staying in town thanks to the warmer from Rosa – I’m Mexican and I won’t even go there. You’ll get robbed and as a woman groped. Dustin tells them to camp out in front of theit house. They will. The lights go out outside, they are kicking us out. It’s only 11:45pm. We fill Travis and Sean’s car, Dustin in the back. They drop us off, then Dustin can take them back. None of our novios give us alcohol.

We sneak in around midnight, we gotta get up at 5:30am for the Poker Run. Ouch. Thankfully the bed was already made for us - clutch move by Lindsey. But there’s this weird thing happening, my skin is tanned/burnt and getting dry patches on my face. My skin feels tight and when use moisturizer it stings: Not great. 

INTERMISSION

Here's the bad news: you probably realized I stopped posting about Mexico. Fear not, I wasn't hunted by the cartel and then dragged back across the border for accidentally interrupting a major drug deal a la some zankey comedy movie starring Steve Martin that I would NEVER pay to see. The reason why is the good news: I gots me a job as a writer assistant for a new animated show. Meaning pretty much all day I'm typing at a computer so the last thing I really want to do when I come home is keep doing that. So now I'm convincing myself I don't have time to finish my Mexico trip full of more LONG posts and pictures. 

I will get to it. In the meantime please enjoy some over-priced refreshments. 

Baja Day 6

Up and running – go on mini warm up jog. Play little soccer, do body weighted work outs on the roof. Sweat like crazy just doing yoga. Try to keep up with Liz, she’s like a machine that keeps going. Try to remember other P90X routines. Do a ton of pushups on my knees in order to do more of them. Stretch forever. At one point I wonder if the two of us are having a silent competition to see who stops first.

Don’t eat too much for breakfast or as Lindsey says "brekkie" because we have a BBQ party around the block at 1pm where I plan to stuff my face. We shower – after three days my hair is like a rat nest. I shampoo and condition the shit out of it so it feels normal again. Then it's BBQ time!

Get there, go straight to tequila set up. 

Sample a few. Goldilocks it up: this one's too strong, this one's kinda gross, but this tequila liquor is just right. Especially with a chaser of SKYY. Get buzzed on one small sipping shot.

Meet a bunch of people. Some I met before who remember me but I forget them. They call me out on it. Oops. Meet Dave (who we decide to call Uncle Mike) he used to grow weed. I ask him all kinds of questions, he wonders if I’m with the 5-0. Only busted once in 20 years, not bad. Distributor middle man, now into solar power. His house is solar, his stove is solar, his golf cart is solar WITH built in speakers playing - you guessed it, Jimmy Buffet. I plan to take it for a joy ride later.

Meet Karen - an overweight SUPER hammered lady who tells us to marry a guy like her husband Tom (who I rocked vball with). She also has a chair with her name written on it like it belongs to a kindergardener. Imagine the slurring of someone claiming their seat as "Karen's chair!"

I help cut up shrimp with Linda and Gary who have watched Liz and I jog past their house each morning. Learn that you gotta cut the back of the shrimp to clean out the vein full of sand - take that Alton Brown! 

Try clams with hot sauce, lime, touch of tequila = delish. Eat a bunch of fish. Homemade goodies – mixed salads, veggies, brown rice pudding, the best salsa no one was aware of so Liz and I hoard it. “Picnic cake” aka lemon and chocolate with carmel icing with butterscotch chips. More drinks. Home brewed beer that gives Liz heartburn but "it’s so worth it." Here's a pic of our good eats. 

Chuck gives us a tequila lesson. We almost pass out. We are a disgrace to our age group as the 60+ retired party animals keep going. (Please notice the novelty blanket with our host's face on it)

We BS on the roof. Take a group picture, and avoid being in the sun. Instruments are broken out. Liz and I join a band. I play the washtub bass so well I get a blood blister from “slappin’ da bass.” 

Liz goes next, the song is far too long. She wants to stop but no one let's her so she powers through. 

I rock a camouflaged egg shaker, then tambourine. Uncle Mike rocks the harmonica. It might have been the booze but it was engrossing. The following photo is accurately blurry.

Lindsey sits playing the mini drum, like a good little hippie. We call ourselves Solar Power (fist with a sun, or a fist holding a guitar and the sun in the background - just a few ideas for a logo). Dave is all about it, then doesn’t like it. We play with alliteration. Baja boob babes band. He’s amused. And drunk. Baja Joe gets his happy laugh on. Liz and I talk about how much we love Lindsey’s accent. 

Then true to my plan, I steal Unkle Mike’s solar powered ride. No one cares I’m stealing it. They're more concerned I am taking the music with me. He tells us to just not crash it. We joy ride to “I Shot the Sheriff.” 

We return to Karen chair dancing. It's glorious. She talks out loud with no one. Tries to talk to Joe but he has no idea what she’s talking about. She tries to get our attention. We make her work for it. "Girls! GIRLS! HEY!" Then finally look over... 

"... you're stupid." But our favorite piece of advice came as she left, telling us: "You gotta get..." 

We lean in... 

"Menus. In the sky." Oh Karen.

We have no idea what time it is ALL day. Night falls. We look for the big and little dipper. Find Jupitur, Venus, and Mars. Look for scorpions with a black light. Unkle Mike tells us he’s gonna kick our ass and heckle us at pool vball. I challenge him but also tell him with all this smack talk I bet we’d end up on the same team. Someone talks about how they need to bomb their house - you know for bugs. But Liz and I imagine people actually firebombing their house. It would be so American of us to have one time use houses. I could see the info commercial: "Tired of the hassle of your home? Live in it one year, bomb it, get a new one. It's that's simple!"

We start using a new phrase: SQUAWKS! It's like the new version of RATS! Only you're like a bird. You know. Text can not do this justice. It's the brainchild of Liz who says it with an AWW SHUCKS type feel as she hunches over, crosses her arms, and mouth goes sideways. Kinda like this...

It is my kryptonite. 

Back to Joe & Lindsey's house, still no power at the house but we don't care. We eat random things by candle light. Nuts, veggies, water. We BS out front with stories about Chewy, and the ranch controversy of coyotes getting poisoned - not cool. She goes in. Tells us to help ourselves to whatever. We imagine if we took that phrase to the extreme: Make pancakes - don’t eat them. Make a nut smoothie at 2am that's the loudest thing ever, wake them up, "you gotta try this!" And/or eat literally ALL of the food. "You said help yourself..." 

We watch videos on my laptop til it dies. The moon is so bright it’s like a night light. Liz wishes we were able to watch Chopped. We pine for a dinner date with Susan. We like going back and forth from crazy nights with younger folk to partying with retired kids. And I love the fact Liz and I had been spending full days together and sharing a bed for about a month and I just never get sick of her. Best sleep over party EVER.

Baja Day 5

Wake up to no electricity which means no hot water. Score. We get up and have tea in the AM as per usual – BSing on the front porch with the neighbors. At least once Lindsey tells Joe to shut up and he suggests perhaps throwing some kind of item at her. We eat some food before going on a jog. Turns out Liz likes small yellow mangos.

We jog to Susie and Phil’s house (last year's baja road trip couple) but they aren’t home. Dag! We jog another mile or two, head back home, stretch and pump iron aka rocks Liz found for another 20 mins or so. We are sweaty and it’s almost 11:30am. We eat something quick, then head over to the pool for volleyball (sign ups needed by 11:45am). Liz needs to do HW so she’ll work and I’ll play. Get there, power is down and internet down all over Baja turns out. Just in time for Liz’s homework. Somehow she thinks telling the teacher she was in baja and the whole place lost electricity won’t really work as a legit excuse for turning an assignment in late. 

Decide I don't need to shower since I'm going in the pool - exactly what the sign outside the pool tells me NOT to do. Whatevs, you're not the boss of me! San Diego's there. We hang out poolside, then get put on the same team. Turns out he’s 35, divorced and has 3 kids including a 16 year old daughter. He’s a big kid himself. And most likely owns more than one Ed Hardy item.

Our team dominates, undefeated. We get cocky, we get our ass kicked, then come back, then lose again. Overall a good run. San Diego tells me he washes windows for a living, I'm semi condescending when I say "oh cool." He then tells me he makes about $1,100 a week. Cue double take: "Say wha?!" Turns out his mom rents these resort condos on the beach:

If we want to make some spare money we can help and he’ll split it with us. Trabajo? Si, por favor!  It might have been the 2 margaritas in me but I excitedly pitch this proposition to Liz, bum rushing her with an enthusiastic "Get this!?" 

I figured this would be later this week. Nope, it's pretty much right after pool vball. Since we're high school kids without a license San Diego gives us a ride back to Joe and Lindsey's to tell them we found some work and not worry about feeding us. We'd call but they don't have cell phones or a working house phone since the power out. Oldschool mode of communication. And I kinda love it. Actually talking to people?! Having to meet at a previously established rendezvous point?! Es crazy no?

On the ride over to San Diego's condo he lives in with his mom aka his mom's condo he apologizes for the potentially awkward exchanges to come. We assure him it's cool. Before we can clean windows we get keys to the condos, have to take out the garbage, confiscate bedding for laundry, and take the equivalent of Craiglist photos of a 2 bedroom house for rent in the ranch. At 200/mo (or 125/mo if you know the right people) it's steal until inside and smells like old man. Pass.

We also take shots like this.

Working hard for the money.

We go to OXXO to get beer to make cleaning more fun aka buying Tecate and Boones which turns out is a high school/college drink because it's so sweet and cheap. I really am a freshman in college right now. Sangria delicious – also tons of sugar. Yum! 

Meet San Diego's puppy named Tank.

Proceed to have love affair. 

Meet San Diego's mom.

Proceed to have love affair with her shit ton of alcohol. We tequila taste. Then after we tried stuff and ask how we too can make our own homemade kahlua she asks how old we are. You know, just to make sure we're legal since we're now a little buzzed. Liz spots whipped cream vodka. I've never had it. All eyes go wide. Well you HAVE to taste it. Twist my arm. Down the hatch it, they wait for my reaction and inevitable love.

Liz's reply: "I’m sorry and you’re welcome.” San Diego's mom says don’t steal it. He steals it.

We don’t clean, instead we drive around on the beach and around the complex making the siren go off when we pass people, cause San Diego's truck has some kind of cop car alarm in it. Liz drives, we drink, she takes a few shots. There’s no rules in Mexico! We yell ALTO at the stop signs.

San Diego coaches Liz in driving over dunes before taking us on a beach run. He gets real, admits he’s on the run from the law or rather his parole officer, nothing too cray-cray.  There are dark things like suicides and ex-wives pregnant by other dudes while still married things happening. We walk into the muddy shore, feet sinking up to our ankles, like nasty high socks or something overpriced spas would offer. 

We go back to the house, quickly wash windows of ONE house right before the family arrives. No streak techniques thanks to some elbow grease. San Diego's mom steals back vodka from his car. Then she gives us the kalua and ameretto tequila to enjoy. Tells her son not to drink and drive. Catch 22 much? 

We head into town for dinner, opting not to shower, we are at the point of no return anyway. We go into town. It’s starting to get mobbed. People camping on beach, vendors on the street. Churros! Liz is grumpy bc she’s hungry. San Diego will eat where ever we want. We sit outside a little restaurant. Have amazing fish tacos that take awhile thanks to those damn Canadians hogging a huge table inside. We eat super hot salsa and chips. Liz gets a margarita, but has one complaint: There's not enough booze, the guy adds more til she’s satisfied and high fives him.

We order, I attempt Spanglish the girl brings another girl over who speaks English – I just didn’t want my fish breaded (and of course I don’t remember how to say it) We meet wondering white dudes. They eat with us. Travis and Sean - both Djs, both randomly came to San Felipe from Seattle. San Diego isn’t a fan of competition (despite convo about being just being friends at the pool). San Diego pays for us as a thank you since we really didn’t clean. It’s the best fish taco liz has had. I know you might be thinking - wait. Liz, the vegetarian ate fish? Well, she does if she's drunk enough.

We leave them. San Diego talks about how he thinks they are gay, he getting a condo and “partying” except it’s just the three of us. We find Sean and Travis again. We get churros, Liz calls the guy her novio and he gives her a TON of them.

She’s happy. We eat, dance in the street filled with people and live music.

A mexican man talks with us and shows his nieces (i think) that gringos dance. Yes, badly. He then talks to us in Spanish and turns out I know more than I realize. But I am not good at hablaring back. Comprendo? He tells each of us that tomorrow he’ll be there selling the best water but then changes it to tequila. Que? I go to make Liz’s dreams come true with a stuffed churro. But they are out of chocolate. Check minus.

We go back and forth from San Diego's parked truck to drink. Turns out Sean and Travis don’t drink – um, why are you in mexico? San Diego continues to pitch that they are gay. So does liz. Turns out they aren’t. Still, San Diego no gusta.

See Liz drink.

See Liz find street vendor with shiny bracelets - almost free! (which is what they all tell you. It's part of their sale happening today only... but probs tomorrow also). 

See Liz get swindled. "What's that you're selling them for the exact amount of money I have?! Get out!" 

See Liz immediately regret that decision as Sean and Travis look on.

Liz then tries to resell them. Finds another vendor who almost gives her 50 pesos. She's about to close the deal, he inspects and tells her it’s bad stuff. He then gives her a butterfly bracelet for free. Mi Novio! I have a three minute long video of this all going down which remains my favorite video of the entire trip. 

We walk around, drink, BS, decide to ride back on the beach, almost go off a cliff edge to the water. Don't worry mom it would have only been like a 4 feet drop. We then safely find the beach, listening to  Weezer as we drive feet away from the water.

We decide to call it a night. San Diego is oddly bummed we don’t want to go back to a big condo and party with him, just the three of us. Don't worry, I'd take the couch. Liz aptly replies, "Yeah ok, guy we just met." It was all fun and games til he couldn’t close the sale. He does give us the Kalua to finish but his mom does need the bottle back. We admire our collection of booze from boys showing us a good time. 

Baja Day 4

7am wake up call to leave for 9am. Liz and I go for runs and then stretch on the roof commenting how much we now love stretching, a far cry from our soccer days when we ran for 90 mins and then stopped cold cause "Stretching is lame." We knew everything back then.

Get a quick shower to get dirty again in the rail. 2.5 hours ride to get lunch with Baja Joe, Lindsey and other retired friends. See horses - "Get off the road! Stupid roaming jerks..." 

Cowboys - which Liz naturally called out as her novios!

We get to a small river along the Oregon Trail and decide to caulk it without an indian guide. 

Thankfully, everyone in our party makes it across safely.

We also see: a skinny dog, roaming cattle, and hawk with a snake. (no pictures found so you can decide for yourself if I'm being a GD liar.) We arrive at Mike's Sky Ranch. Eat a lunch of bean tortillas, fresh salsa, and water we hope won’t give us the runs. 

Mike's Sky Ranch has a lovely/super clean swimming pool!

And classy decor in the bar. Don't worry, the underwear has not been washed. 

Over lunch Liz and I explain the finder points and evolution of "true" to "word" to "church." Example:

Me: This meal is excellent. 

Rose: Church.

Rose is excited to impress her grandkids. They then learn that "pysch" and "not" are oldschool to the point of not being cool anymore. Liz takes a rare photograph of the people she's eating with rather than just the food.

We ride back, somehow I manage to fall asleep despite the loud noise. I figure the face mask and hood help hide it, but I'm not fooling Liz. This time, she documents the scene. 

Get back, shot of tequila from the bottle Hollywood gave us. Sit out front, retell stories of past sand rail crashes and how Lindsey likes to collect dead things instead of a garden. She has a delightful little graveyard full of animal bones. She shows us a shark face she managed to boil away in a pot. Turns out there are no bones in a shark's face though it can make for a yummy soup (not true). Lindsey throws the remaining skin into the garden. Gabby, a small dachshund dog, eats it. It's aReal gross, especially when you can hear the crunching. Gabby can’t get enough of it. Cause she nasty. 

Hey guys, it's Movie Night at the Pavilion restaurant! Tinker Taylor Soldier Spy AND Immortals?! There's no way the 70+ crowd will stay awake through both. 

We shower or rather Liz does (notice the black tank top now with tones of brown). I was so covered in clothes I didn’t really need it. 

Instead I opt for the hobo shower - wipe down my legs with baby wipes. Upon throwing it in the bathroom waste bin I realize it looked like I took a huge shit. In other poop related stories, later Liz takes out the dark chocolate bar we bought from Trader Joes but it melted, she tries to cut it up, gets chocolate on her hands, goes to wash it, Lindsey drops by and Liz knows – it looks like poop. Yay! "I swear I'm not crazy and washing poop off my hands!"

We don’t watch the movie (which falsely advertised for Free Popcorn. Only way it's free is if you bring it yourself). We get dropped off by dad high school style (he'll meet us in an hour and a half outside because picking us up in front of our friends is just "so embarrassing!"). Media deprived, we go directly to the restaurant side and plug in to do emails and inform people we are still alive. Liz downloads her homework assignment due the next day. I attempt to watch Hulu but it’s not geologically available. I watch some stuff of youtube and pine for new episodes of Game of Thrones and Nurse Jackie when I return.

We get picked up around 8:30pm. Discuss and debate about how to find the big and little dipper. We call it an early night, except Liz and I stay up watching Chopped on the food network. 

It was one we’ve seen before but we couldn’t remember who won so we watch it again. And get really annoyed when "distinguished judge" Alex complains about the lack of acidity in her appetizer. We concur that "she's the worst."