I'm so graceful it hurts.

Literally. Because I have mastered the skill of walking up stairs SO Well I am capable of stubbing my big toe so badly it bleeds, oozes white blood cells, hurts like a bitch enough for me to leave RA training go to the Health Center and have the Doctor tell me that there is blood under my nail that is causing pressure and lots of pain. Only I can have a lame store of falling UP the stairs, busting my toe, have it NOT be broken but get the most pain I could from something that in the long run wont cause future hospital visits.

GO ME!

Oh no....I did it again. Allow me to explain. I picked a theme for my door tags today to be Saved by the Bell because honestly, Who didnt love that show? I can't go wrong. So I decide, 'hey I'll hop online and see if I can find some pictures of the cast.' Head to google and there is this quiz to tell you which character you would be. I take it. And what does Colleen get?

A.C. Slater...a MAN! A JOCK! This definately doesnt help my lesbian complex

I had to pack to go back to college. It's for RA training so they snatch 2 weeks of summer for that. And this time I got lost. Went with Merry and we had no problem, but that was bc there wasnt insane traffic on the LIE and the Cross Island had an exit sign. So then I turned around and took it South figuring it would be ok since I was going the other way. Nope. I then took it north, didnt see signs for the Trogs Neck, so I went south again. Then, I dont even know how, I was at JFK in the cargo area or something. I was on the verge of freaking out hardcore after I couldnt find my mom's cell phone that she gave me in case such a situation should arrive.
So I asked ppl at the terminal how to get there, and BAM then in was easy as pie.

We get to name our vacuume. Naturally calling it Your Mom would be hilarious but some might take offense. As such, Herbert is a very big possibility.

On a "What the Hell?!" note: I still can't access my ithaca mail account on my computer, so Dana I feel your pain. I can go on other computer and it works but mine doesnt want me to check my mail. Maybe I got a bad email that might hurt my feelings so this fine machine is trying to save me from emotional turmoil.
Yo no se.*

*Spanish, Transation: I don't know.

See you learn something everyday.

This evening I had some people come over to the house I'm watching and when my one friend arrived he said he had to poop. I showed him the bathroom and his name shall be stricken from the record in case Dave is ashamed of his work. Ooops. I slipped. So later on in the night after they left I noticed there was this sound of running water. I investigated, and it took me until I came to check my email for me to realize it was coming from the bathroom. The VERY same bathroom you know who used.

As such, I went inside and noticed the toilet seemed to be having some trouble. I opened the top, and lo and behold, the water that is usually inside twas no where to be found. I thought, oh no Dave clogged it. Followed shortly by, Will I have to unclog it. Then concluded with, Hell no I'm not, he can come here and do it.

I then left the room, going to get a glass of water to help refill the inside with that chain and pump thing, thinking well at least this way it could actually flush. Then the sound stops. It's truely a christmas miracle! All the toilet needed was somebody to listen and care for it.

Can I get an Amen!?

Hey kids! I am currently house sitting and on the flipside working. ITs crazy yo. The house is really nice and they keep telling me to have ppl over and go in the pool so how could i refuse them? Only thing is the weather isnt so nice.

In other news:
I gotta put gas in my car but I am not familiar with this area so I dont know where to get a good deal. There is a station by my house that I go to all the time. I hate going to new gas stations because I dont know where the self serve is and its a tiny area to move around in so its a hassle to turn around especially if its crowded...which could be only 3 cars. Then the pumps could be different. I went to this one and I didnt realize I had to lift the nossel holder thing up, so I'm standing there going, what the hell? And I dont want some weird gas station guy to come over and be like...oh this girl doesnt know what she's doing. I want to be a self sufficient woman...of the future!

My other fear includes going into an elevator for several floors. The reason why is because, what if it breaks and then I have to pee. Then I'm stuck in this tiny box with other people and I cant go in front of them and even if there wasnt anyone else, you pee on the floor and you will see it and smell it. This is a constant reminder of what you did. Then someone gets you out and they will be like...ok you wizzed on the floor? Gross. Then its in the papers and no one talks to me cuz they think I'll pee in their elevator.
But I take the risk anyway cuz I dont want to walk up 20 floors. Then I'd be all sweaty by the time I got to where I needed to be.

What a dilema?

Once again I found myself in front of a tv. Imagine that? And MTV has this basketball show and this white guy is on it and his name is White Chocolate. And I thought....'how unoriginal. There was nothing else he could think of?' There are no good names for white ppl doing things that are considered to be "black," people dont want to work that hard anymore to get something new. Then I thought..."hmm what would my name be?"

BAM

It hit me. Chalk. My name would be Chalk. Rapper/bball player...or better yet playa.
Word
Chalk in da hizzzzzouse! Gonna write all up in your FACE!

Awhile ago my mom asked me, "You know what would be a good name for a dog?"
I sat on the couch waiting to hear the answer.
"Booger"
Then she laughed and we started to call to an invisible dog named booger for the next 5 minutes.

Yvone: Feel free to bother me once you get to ithaca.

When I dont post, I dont do it to upset the people, I do it because I have nothing to comment on. And then, BOOM today, I get myself some material by just looking outside. Allow me to explain...

I'm sure the people up the block had nothing but good intentions when they bought their two children bikes to ride on. They thought it would be constant smiles and screams of happiness would come out of their mouths from the hair whipping their faces as they went down a hill. Well, today, not so much. I finished my shower and was getting dressed in my room upstairs when I heard screams of temper tandrum. I hear, "Get away from me!" So naturally I look out the window. There on the street a child in over the shoulder of his dad. The dad wasnt trying to fight back or reason with him. He was just carrying him as he screamed "HELP!" "MOMMY!" and "NO!!!"
Now at first I thought....hmmm maybe this is a kidnapper who doesnt care if he gets caught since he lets the kid scream. Maybe he wants us to think he's the dad. But then behind them was the mom with the other kid, riding slowly behind, trying to avoid the danger of the little boy. Either way it was bad news. You either got screaming kid, angry/frustrated parent. Or kidnaps and the lady was just helping out.

Oh the wonder of children.

I saw this candy bar or something today on tv, what it was isnt really important. The part that I am concerned with is that they said it was Beyond Crunchy. Now, how can it be beyond crunchy? What happens there? It's not crunchy anymore once it reaches beyond the crunchy point. Then it's like impossible to eat, like a big brick of .....chewiness. I picture it being a huge block of taffy or carmel that almost breaks your teeth when you try to get a chunk out and then sticks in your teeth and you chew it for 10 mins before swollowing. So count me out of this trip to going BEYOND the Crunch.

Letterman is great. For the second time ever they played a game called Millionaire of Kenny. The premise is that this guy stands there and he is either a millionaire or a guy named kenny. So he comes out with his nice yellow golf shirt tucked into his kahki pants. He didnt look like a Kenny. And I was right. He was a millionaire.

Recently I got a pair of shorts from Delia's in the Tanger outlet. They were only 7 bucks. Not too shabby. But as of late I have discovered that they have a faulty fly. A shame. I go zip down the fly when I gots ta pee and lo and behold they are already down. Oh well. You cant beat 7 bucks. I'll take the faulty fly any day.

Lastly, I asked my mom this question: If you were in a car stuck in traffic and you really had to pee, what would you do? What would you pee in?

She answered: a coffee cup, I then told her NO there are no cups. So she thought awhile and thought out loud, hmm what would i pee in....
The coin holder.

Me, I'd do the same OR take out an old rag from the truck and pee on that.

How about you?

I saw Urinetown the musical today. It was awesome. And on the way there Liz got a little sick and threw up something that was hunter green. So on the way back we tried to figure out what it was. I asked if she had any gumdrops or jujubees. She said no. We concluded it must have been bile. I told her that was gross. ANd that it prob ate away at her mouth and she would prob die. I think its possible. And I should know, I am a doctor.

Hmm what else? I had a hot dog and it was awesome. Then about 15 mins later I wanted another so I said, I'll tell you whut I want a hot dog. Saying whut in place of what tis a huge amout o fun. I suggest it to all. Doctor's orders.

I am Biz-ack from the bizeach hizzy. For shizzle. Yep.

Dude, I totally went without internet for 5 days. Crazy, yo. OMG to the max!
Ok enough with teeny bopper talk. But serious. It's kinda crazy to think that I was having internet withdrawls. What do they put in this stuff? And I also watched a tv that had about 5 channels, one of which was the home shopping channel, so right away you are like...what a waste. So that only really makes it 4 channels. AND get this....sometimes the signal was fuzzy. There was fuzz! Can you believe it? Incredible that I am still alive. I dont know how I did it. But I'll tell you what I did do...Got some sun burn and did the Cryptaquote in Newsday, its over by the games and comics. I suggest everyone check it out. It's good for your brain.

Yeah, I'm a nerd.

The following post goes out to Yvone, my asian lovah! Well...she's not my lover, yet.
HEY-O! You know in order for people not to think i am a lesbian i should stop saying things like that. But its true. I would be gay for Yvone, and I mean that in a totally heterosexual way.

The reason the posts have fallen behind is that I went road trippin' to Ithaca. Yeah baby. 7 hours going there, but Merry pointed out the name Von Cornhole spray painted on a tunnel near the city which provided us to ask Who is this Von? And what does he do? Then we hung with Suds. I spent about 100 bucks in 2 days. Watched movies, talked til 3am, saw my ticket to india. Ate indian food and thai food and soda and sweet popcorn. Then drove home 5 and a half back. Not too shabby. Had the windows down, going 70, and singing to music. I love doing that.

Quote from the trip! OMG!
From: Suds
Why he say dat?: We were watching Monsoon Wedding, very good movie find it and watch it. It's about an Indian Wedding and since I am going to see one it was very interesting. So afterwards Suds is telling Merry and I how people will be dancing and I thought...I hope I dont offend anyone with my "american" dance moves. There is one move in which you pretend to be slapping someone, the kids know what i'm talking about. And I asked about that move. Suds said:

They wont even know that you're slapping the bitches.

Priceless. I plan on video taping everything. Including the bitch slapping. A whole montage of it!

Thus concludes my update. Questions, comments, email me...or SHOVE IT!
If for the rest of the week there is a lack of updates it is because Colleen will be out east at the beach house with the fam. I shall be back by Friday. Dont fret.

bye

Dear Diary,

Today I called my mom a crazy ho.

Last night I killed AT LEAST 5 mosquitos....with my bare hands.
Call me the ASSASSinator.
Killing's the game.
Mosquitos suck.
Suck your blood.
And I kill them.
As my revenge.
I think that this is too long.
Too many sentences after another.
Now it's being forced.
And I feel awkward.
Like a convo that should end.
But doesnt.
So you wanna get a cup of coffee?
Yeah, me neither.
Dont like coffee much.
I gotta go.

When I was little I had a speak and spell. You could type in a word and it would say it. Naturally we tried to get it to say things like Ass or Sh*t, but failed. It seemed to be one step ahead of us. However, there was one word which worked in every day speech that provided us with amusement for hours. One Word....BUT
And when I typed in BUTT, it would double up on the T sound.
Thank you Speak and Spell.

This is in my profile but I find it rather amusing so since I am too lazy to think of my own witty or seemingly "funny" thing to say I will have someone else do the work for me. But I can't be busted for plagerizing since I will use quotes. Ha-HA! You lose, anal retentive english teacher. (that's assuming I didnt misspell anything....which i doubt.)

"Let me tell you doing nothing is not as easy as it looks. You have to be careful. Because the idea of doing anything, which could easily lead to doing something, that would cut into your nothing...and that would force me to have to drop everything."
-Jerry Seinfeld

I fordot about this. Enjoy!

GDspunkyduck: so yesterday my neighbor comes over and wanted me to teach her how to use her new digital camera binoculars
Lactaid Lady: since you are an expert
GDspunkyduck: she is gonna like spy on them for god knows what
GDspunkyduck: well she slike pushing 65
GDspunkyduck: and has no idea
Lactaid Lady: lol
GDspunkyduck: so i like read the directions to her slowly
Lactaid Lady: what a scene
GDspunkyduck: yea the best scene is her in her dark house watching this poor innocent family
Lactaid Lady: lol
Lactaid Lady: crazy old bitch
GDspunkyduck: well i have to watch out cause her bedroom window looks into mine
GDspunkyduck: she might be a crazy old bitch watching me undress now

Yesterday my friends and I set off illegal contraband in the front yard. It was as if we were taunting the po-po to come and get us. And they failed miserably. It was rather amusing when we couldnt figure out why the jumping firecrackers didnt go. Then we read the instructions and removed the wrapper and BEHOLD the fuse in all its glory. We lit it and ba boom, one of them made a bee-line towards me and liz. Thing went crazy. Had to put him down after that. Got the rabies.
I had rabies once. Foamin' and such all over. It was messy. And occassionally I would kill someone and infect them, no big whoop. I got a shot and everything was O-Tay.

I ate a waffle today.

goodbye.

Today I saw the trailer for the Ben and J-Lo movie they did together. Cuz they need more money.

How this came to be: (my theory)

Ben: Hey J-Lo, wanna make a movie together?
J-Lo: Aw, what a great idea. What kinda movie you thinking of?
Ben: A romantic comedy.
J-Lo: I want to play the girl.
Ben: oh you are so funny, thats what we need. We will be funny and I will love to do that! Get it, the love relates to it being romantic and us being funny is like...
J-Lo: yeah i get it. Now lets go buy more things that are really expensive.
Ben: OK

The end.