Today at work we listened to a Wilson Phillips song. You know, that group of three girls who sing that song about holding on for one more day. Yeah that's it. When I was about eight, I used to listen to them. This was all before I knew what good music was. Now when the song plays I think, 'wow they are lame.'

Also why Wilson Phillips? Why would you think an old mans name is a good idea.

Answers are welcome.

I'd imagine it would be quite awkward to witness a blind person performing a stand up comedy act of observational comedy. They'd be like, "have you ever lost your keys and felt all your tables looking for them?!" It would be even more awkward if they were standing away from the mic and at one point realized it, then tried to find it with their stick and knocked it over.

ouch.

This whole idea came about while watching Daredevil which is probably the worst superhero film ever. It's a pathetic shadow of what a successful blockbuster is. At one point Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have an elaborately awkward karate fight at a playground with children watching.

Recently I have thought it might be loads o' fun to re-record music for certain parts in movies/tv series that initially are pretty powerful moments and play music over them making them cliche.

Here is what I have so far:

1. recent season of 24 has Jack walking away, alone at the end of the series, wearing a pretty choice pair of aviators. I think at this point a song should kick in that I'm sure most are familiar with at this point in the year. Yes, that's right, Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Particularly the part that goes, "I walk a lonely road..."

2. Titanic when the ship is snapping in half and people are falling into the water. Play the song "I went to the danger zone."

3. In Star Wars Episode III while Anakin is staring out thinking of his lady friend who is gazing out thinking of him. He cries a little as he is deciding to basically turn to the dark side. And cue Five for Fighting's "Superman (its not easy)." I think this part works pretty well; "I’m only a man in a silly red sheet,Digging for kryptonite on this one way street,Only a man in a funny red sheet,Looking for special things inside of me, It’s not easy to be me."

That's all I got so far but I think it's quite a start.

As I drove back from dropping off my brother, I saw a man on the side of the road. There were several things out of place about him. Number one, he was walking with his bike. Perhaps something broke on it so he was forced to travel on foot. Number two he had an eye patch. Number three, the eye patch wasn't over his eye, but resting just above his eyebrow. Here in lies the biggest concern.

Why an eye patch? Don't you need good depth perception when riding any mobile? Not that I don't think people lacking one eye aren't capable of everyday things. I just feel this makes it harder, which perhaps is why he got off the bike in the first place. Except I have the distinct impression that since the eye patch wasn't acually on his eye that he indeed has his eye.

There was no other pirate gear found. So was he pretending to be missing an eye just for fun? Is he actually a pirate undercover who sometimes likes to wear an eye patch because he really isnt considered a pirate by his other swash buckling peers?

So much mystery.

There is this man who comes to work every couple of days in the afternoon. My first encounter with him, he got out of his truck, his ratty shirt clung to his enlarged belly. He leaned on the counter casually and before we could ask, "Can I help you?" he blurted out, "What's mickey mouse? A dog or a cat?" We were all confused if he was referring to a flavor of ice before we understood he was one of those older guys with the funny uncle like jokes.

He then proceeded to bust out a rhyme. At one point he claimed, "This shit is the shit" and just as my brain began to freak out, he used the word "dooby." From that point on its really all a blur. My mind didn't know how to properly process this information.

I'll leave it to the words of the man I like to call the Crazy Old Rapper:

"You heard of 50 cent? I'm 58."

The past couple of days my eye has been twitching. Only one, and I believe the tremors are coming from the lower lid. This is rather annoying. I was at work and felt it going as I was serving a customer. I wonder if they could notice. Would they think I was trying hard to wink at them? Or did it just look crazy? Did they even notice?

Which brings me to another thought I had at work. Now there are times in the summer when it is very hot. People at this time, often want something cool like, oh I dunno, an Italian Ice to cool them off. Now there are times when it seems the whole town shows up, perhaps even people are birthed from the street, notice we seem to be under staffed and rush to get food.

I have been thinking how glorious it would be if one night, while the line is wrapping around the block, that we close the window, place a sign on it saying, "Screw all ya'll" and proceed to walk by eating ice while smiling and waving. Sometimes I play it out in my mind and it is truely a sight to behold.

If you look back at some old sitcoms you will see that most kid acting involved the kid speaking very loud, then canned laughter followed. I noticed this while VH1 ran 100 Greatest Kid Stars. I must say VH1 really turned around. I remember when all they played was Diva's Unplugged with Whitney Houston and Celine Deon. That and Rod Stewart videos. Now it's full of clip shows with commentary from comedians and actors. Instead of watching something and making smart ass comments with friends, they do it for you! AMAZING!

PS - I heard Tom Cruise freaked out today about scientology, no offense to them but they are cra-zay.

To all scientologists: Please don't kill me for the above comment.

Whose idea was the lunge?

There is this movie coming out called High Tension and although I have never heard of it before I'm sure the previews/ads for it aren't lying when they say it's good. It involves some skinny blonde woman who is getting chased by some murderer with a chain saw. At one point it looks like she screams as she runs through the woods. PLUS it's night time. And it's different from all those other thriller/horror movies because she has SHORT blonde hair.

So probably most of middle america will think she's gay.

I have a question. If you are an old woman do you HAVE to cut your hair really short? And in the cutting process does the hair become curly even if it wasn't before? Think about it. Name one old woman you know with long hair. It's impossible.

Allergies are pretty dumb. Every day when I get up, not even WAKE UP, just get up in the morning to pee I sneeze at least 3 times. Moving from one space in my house to another is somehow toxic to my nose. If I lived back in the day when they said Bless You because they thought your soul was trying to escape, people would probably think I was possessed by the devil. Or they would think I was evil and some kind of witch. That would suck because they I would be irrationally burned or tortured in some fashion. This I would not have cared for, I can tell you that. Even if I was really a witch that's still pretty harsh of a punishment. If i were really a witch I'd try to pinch them in pressure zones that hurt aREAL bad. Also I think I'd cast a spell so they couldn't ever eat ice cream. Something like Lactose Intolerance perhaps.

holy crap. that's probably where that comes from. Freaking witches! Is nothing sacred?!

I'm back on the island. Working at Ralph's so if ya'll wants some ice come along. Ok so one of the most exciting things I have learned is how to discover one's Jedi name. Yes, I am a nerd, let's get past that but this is pretty awesome. So I was told that you take the first THREE letters of your Last Name and add the first TWO letters of your First Name to it. Then combine the first THREE letter of your birthplace/town you are from (i'm unclear which one specifically it is), with the first TWO letters of your Mother's Maiden name.

Example:

Colleen + Evanson = Evaco
Lake Grove + McGrath = Lakmc

My name is Evaco Lakmc. I encourage you all to post your names here to see whose is choice and whose is lame.

Mine is pretty choice, but then again, I'm probably biased.

Also I've compiled a list of some of the best things humans have been a part of. Here it is.

1. Ice Cream
2. Massage
3. BBQ flavored chips

Sometimes I wonder if aliens (or alie-ums) exist that they would be fascinated by our eyes, since they are neither huge, nor one color. That whole concept has the potential to blow they undoubtedly more advanced minds clear out of their enlarged skulls. Also the fact that we have actual genitalia. That might confuse/gross them out.

I'm going to attempt to appease all with the following essay. Read the comments from the last post before proceeding.

My Essay about Some Stuff in Life

From what I skimmed over from a website that came up after I googled "Hemingway 'A close" (I didn't feel like typing the whole title), it seems the poem described a conversation between two guys. One of which is old, the other is a waiter. Here check it out:

"Last week he tried to commit suicide," one waiter said.

Jee, thanks Debby Downer. Though I didn't bother to read much of it I think it would be way better if the two guys talked about something else or didn't really talk at all. How about this...

The waiter hands the old guy a check for his meal.
The old dude is nodding off.
The waiter nudges him.
The old guy farts kinda loud but can't hear it because his hearing aid is down.
The waiter doesn't breathe in as he walks away.

I dunno about you but that is way better. As for this guy Samuel Johnson, his name is pretty close to Samuel L Jackson. So once this story gets adapted into a script I think we can cast him as the old guy. But I bet he won't want to be the old guy because he wants to be hip so I'll let him be the waiter and the old guy can get played by Hugh Downs, previously seen on 20/20 because I think America would like to see him again, it's been awhile.

You know I bet he knows something about James Joyce and this thing he wrote called "Araby." Hugh was always full of worldy knowledge. Also I think he could school Barbara Walters any day. I dunno if she still does 20/20. I havent seen it in years because its on the same time as Fear Factor. However, if she did leave, I think the producers at ABC should get together and get a reunion royal together. Walters vs. Downs. They could arm wrestle, or see who can eat applesauce the fastest, or have a dizzy bat race. I bet ratings would soar.

So as for others literary things, I remember reading Green Eggs and Ham in elementary school. I probably read Run Spot Run since I vaguely remember it was about a dog but other than that I think that book sucked. Plus there are tons of books about dogs already, so not original. But I'll tell you who is unique, Dr. Suess (and that fool isn't even a doctor). I can totally quote Green Eggs and Ham without google. Check it out:

"'Hey you want some green eggs and ham?' said this guy.

'No I will not eat them with a fox, I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them here or there I will not eat them anywhere. But I'll never turn down a tuna melt because those are pretty awesome,' said the other guy in the book."

I think this book is the best because I got to make up some other lines in it. I'm pretty sure the use of the ever so popular deli delight combination of tuna, cheese, and toasted bread is accessable to most people since just about everyone has probably tried it at some point. If you don't like tuna then maybe you aren't a person. You could be a robot. Though I have no proof that robots can't eat tuna fish, if I recall a scene from A.I. by Steven Spielberg correctly that kid who was a robot couldn't eat anything because, well I dunno why. I think the dad in the scene said he would short circut or something. But no matter how hard that kid tried to be a real boy he couldn't. So sorry robots, there is no hope.

This makes me wonder if there are people in the world who are actual people but wish they could become an emotionless robot. One way they might try to turn themselves into a machine could be listening to Mr. Roboto and doing the robot move where you walk all stiff. It's pretty popular to freeze your whole body and just move one arm.
If this is too hard to understand you could look into getting a helper monkey. I'm sure this friendly critter could help you look it up online because monkeys are pretty smart. You know, most people don't realize we actually came from monkeys. But I do because I'm smart thanks to the keen reporting of Hugh Downs. Man, that guy was awesome. I really hope he isn't dead. That would suck.

In conclusion, literature isn't as good as television. Lots of people own TVs, almost no one owns books. In fact one may say that books are the tools of the devil and I'd have to agree. Education is important and all but so is Must See TV which hasn't been as good since Friends left but that Joey, oh man, he's hilarious and he's totally making lots of money and I bet he doesn't even know what a book is. So there.

So I wanted to update but I hath no idea what to write about. As such, how about we do some interactive blogging. You give me things to talk about or to use in a story. Consider it my blog final.

Yesterday my friend Jess and I discussed the word "probably." This is a pretty choice word. When used properly in a sentence it can equate emmense hilarity.

Why it is so funny? Well it completely undermines the gravity of any situation.

For example, let's say you are sitting in a field minding your own business. Over the hill you see what looks like a man running toward you. Suddenly a UFO appears and abducts this man. You think to yourself, "that's probably not good."

Or let's say you are having a romantic evening with your significant other. They slip out of their seat onto one knee. They show you a ring and say, "I think we should probably get married."
If this happens to you I think you should probably say no.

Discuss.

Dear Smoothies,

Thanks for being so awesome.

Love,
Colleen

A while back whilst my parents were here in Ithaca I bought a shirt that said, "Islam is Gorges." Now here in Ithaca there are plenty of shirts that read: "Ithaca is Gorges" since there are many gorges here and many consider them to be quite gorgeous.

This shirt only ran about 3 bucks so I figured why not. Today I broke it out after a long period of staying in my dresser. At first I thought, I hope people don't take me seriously like I'm some kind of activist. Then I figured most who knew me would get it. What I didn't think about was the awkward new guy over at Taste of Thai asking me something on the way out.

awkward guy: "Does Islam have gorges?"
me: "What?"
awkward guy: "Does Islam have gorges or is that just a joke."
me: "It's a joke."

and scene...

I have a comment about the mustache and glasses disguise. You are not fooling anyone. The nose only coming in one color does next to nothing. PLUS the glasses have no actual glass in them.

Check minus

I know that just about everyone hates traffic. I have the perfect solution: Giants.
I wish we had some giants because even though we humans are capable to clearing the road it takes us way too long. Do you realize how quickly traffic jams would be fixed if we had Giants? They would just walk over, and lift away the car like a crane...done.

Truely the only problem is that he or she has to stay happy or we might get our cities crushed. So we have to find a giant that feeds off doing good deeds.

Next problem is where does it live? Well at first I thought in a volcano or mountain, but with overpopulation being what it is we'll probably need that space. Then I got to thinking, earth is something like 70% water. So it can live in the ocean, that way if it crushes anything when it does its daily routine it's the ocean floor and we don't see that anyway.

In conclusion, all you ocean savvy good deed doing Giants need to come to earth. We needs you. I promise that we won't kill or abuse you.

Love
Colleen