Just once I would really appreciate it if the models used in those anti-aging commercials were over 30 years old. Better yet, why don't they just hire teenagers or how about some babies. That way women will still have an interest in seeing the ad since we all know women just love them babies. They'll get sucked in to their cute, lineless faces running around in diapers. You think it's a Huggies promo but WHAM the kids start talking. They can gurgle or what have you and we can just put in subtitles. Or maybe we can see if a throw back to "Look Who's Talking" that way it's a triple threat of a commercial.

Adorable babies + anti-aging + reference to an 80s cinematic classic = ski high sales

Get that ish on you tube and it's over. I'm tell you I need to start my own ad company. I'm walking around here with a gold mine of a brain people!

I was watching a promo for the new reality show called Top Design on Bravo. And yes, I'm sorry but it was while watching Top Chef - hey I got to watch something on Bravo while I wait for Project Runway to return.

Anyways this one designer who is going to be a main judge was making a comment about one of the contestants. He said, "he was like the mayor of excusesville"

Two things came to mind:

1. What if there really is a mayor of excusesville. He's been trying to change the way people see the town, boost tourism, but then WHAM a cable network goes and ruins his campaign. He must be heart broken.

2. I feel for the citizens in excusesville. I'm sure they try their hardest but things just never get done and they have their reasons why. Unfortunately their education system is going down the drain because there are just so many reason's not to show up to meetings about it - um, hello have you seen Heroes? And I can't make it tuesday because I have a date with Olivia Benson. No doubt the economy is in shambles as well. No one shows up to work - not all of us have the best immune systems or can stifle the need to ditch and see a movie, after all how many chances will you get to see Ghost Rider? Not many would be the answer.

So please people, try not to just toss out the hopes and dreams of excusesville. And don't underestimate the beauty of the trees out there come fall. Just don't expect anyone to rake their lawns, because the doctors said they shouldn't do anything to agitate their backs. You know, hernia and all....

It occured to me earlier when a new birth control commercial was on TV to ask anyone in pharmaceuticals:

Is there any birth control available that can prevent immaculate conceptions?

I think it's unfair that adults don't get to play in ball pits at any fast food establishments such as McDonalds or Chuck E Cheese. Why is all the fun reserved for children who clearly don't appreciate it? Instead of enjoying just drifting around in the lagoon of plastic balls they have to throw them at one another or try to put them in their mouths. Kids just don't deserve to play around all day. Sure there are laws against putting kids to work but I mean hey, what good is it doing us? We need reality TV shows to teach us how to raise our spoiled kids - and we get schooled by British nannies! Besides, people break the law all the time. How many of you have turned right on red even though the sign told you not to? The trick is to not get caught.

Just follow my logic here for a sec. If we put our kids to work it will teach them responsibility. If they are responsible they treat the ball pits as a privilege. Also, with kids working they can buy their own damn toys and maybe come xmas time they'll actually buy something for us adults for a change.

If this doesn't work then I propose that there be a fine establishment that is willing to install a ball pit strictly for it's paying customers. Also I feel like there should be a giant inflatable castle of sorts. That way you can burn away your meal after the fact. Jump away that morbid obesity. Get america to not realize they are exercising. It's that or genetically engineered food that tastes delish but has no calories. That way we can all have our dreams come true and become Nicole Richie, minus the whole driving on the wrong side of the freeway business of course.

In general I personally really don't like it when 9 year olds are more successful than I am. I'm talking about Dakota Fanning here. Is it luck? Talent? I can be adorable. I can pretend to be Tom Cruise's daughter in a blockbuster film. Could I have become a child star if I simply grew up in LA and had a fame crazy mom?

If this happened I wouldn't be the person I am, but maybe close enough and millions of dollars richer. What I do know is that in comparison I feel confident in saying I got some wisdom over Dakota. Also what kind of name is Dakota? Nobody lives in North or South Dakota and it's boring there - I know because I never went. I feel even more confident that I could kick her ass. She's probably like 60lbs soaking wet. Pretty much all I need to do is blow pretty hard in her direction and she's on the ground. Stupid kids, they go down so easy and the best part is, they don't properly know how to fight back. Adults win!

Anyways, that girl is spreading herself too thin, she's not far from pulling a Lindsey Lohan aka Drinky McRehab. I'll just have to wait for the eventual crash and burn before I can truely feel closure. She might be richer than I am and half my age but I'm driving a relatively eco friendly car. So take that...whore!

ok good talk. I feel positive about it.

I feel that there should be some kind of law in place that bans the reselling of underwear. Thrift stores, listen up. I love you and your unwanted DARE shirts, your in mint condish member's only jackets, and of course the festive vacation shirts from Florida. However, I question why you would resell old underwear. You can bleach them all you want, but I know there were skid marks on them at some point and I'm not ok with that.

Once again my thoughts prove to me that I should probably be the Master of the Universe if such a position should open. At the very least I should be President. Now this new proposal I have would save many lives and make the world safer. And no, it doesn't involve any terrorists. How is that possible? Well it's called a car.

Yeah that thing you drive, that most people drive even if they aren't really qualified to do so - old people I'm talking to you. Well I was thinking while in the car the other day that so many people speed and I'm sure cops really hate having to pull highway patrol duty or that the highway patrol squad is kind of a joke. I mean sure it's fun to chase people who are crazy dodging in between cars. However for some it's kind of a hassle.

As such I dare to ask...Why exactly do we have cars that go 120MPH? Have you ever gone that fast? Ever been in a situation that you needed to be going that fast? And no trying to make it to a movie on time doesn't count, nor does fleeing the police. Now honestly, can't we get rid of the whole problem of speeding by not allowing cars to go over 90MPH? Make those roads safer and keep the wallets bigger for those who continue to get speeding tickets.

Yeah I'm sure people will jack up their cars so they can speed, or that by allowing cop cars to go faster people might feel like cops would abuse their power. But I mean c'mon, they're going to abuse it anyway. Let the fuzz have their fun.

In response to the President's speech about the new changes in Iraq, I decided there was a very short comment I wanted to make. This quick point comes from my of course young-minded-hippy-loving-leftist-agenda self who supports all them gays. That being said.

It blows my mind number one that the length of this war has surpassed that of WWII. That being said, it's been about 4 years and of all the things the President has done you would think he would be able to pronounce the damn country's name properly. I-rack this I-rack that. You want to give them freedom, start by pronouncing it properly. I-rock.

Perhaps a little catch phrase word association would work. Something like: "I Rock with my plan in Iraq." That of course would be a dirty lie. HEY-O! Score ONE for me!

Either that or go with the clever Arrested Development Bluthe Company phrase: "Stronger than a rock!"

And I just couldn't help but add this quote from the show...
Michael to GOB: Yeah I dunno how using the phrase, 'Stronger than a rock" will help people forget we built houses in Iraq.

He was on FOX and he pronounced it right, so I don't see what the problem is.

After watching several incredible Meryl Streep performances I have decided to draft her a letter.

Dear Meryl,

First off I wanted to start by saying I know you are married. Let's just get that out in the open. Also I know same sex marriages are controversial so if you did decide to leave your husband we could only really get a civil union in Mass. However, I'm not really interested in that either.

You see after watching your performance in Sofie's Choice I could no longer hold back my love. No it's not really a love for you as a person - to be honest I don't even know your birthday. But what I do love is your talent. Now I figure you probs like to seperate your work from your family. As such I was wondering if you would be willing to have a professionally based affair with me. You could tell your family you are preparing for a role or whatevs. I know you def have more money than me but I'll treat you right - you know, always unlock the door for you in the car.

Now don't flatter yourself. Yes you are attractive but let's be serious, you are also getting older. Not that you don't look great but I think it would be pretty ridiculous for me, an astounding good looking young 20-something to have an affair with you, possibily the greatest living actress. I mean c'mon that's just crazy talk.

Though I must make this clear, it's not really the whole you I'm interested in courting. It's that little thing you have that makes me swoon...your talent. So only like 50% of you or so has to have this affair. And I'm not going to pressure you to do anything you don't want to do. I'm down for just talking or holding hands, maybe some spooning. Who knows? Just let it happen. That's how I roll.

So if you are interested in having a strictly talent based love/intense friendship affair with me, please by all means hit me up on my cell. Since I haven't really told you much about myself I'll let you do the work by checking out my facebook and/or myspace page.

Ok I have to go because the latest Miami Ink is on.

Heterosexually yours,
Colleen

PS - If you don't respond I will take that as a yes and I'll swing by to pick you up. Take you to brunch a Ihop.

It's been awhile but I have decided to return. The new year is full of resolutions that will likely fade in the coming months but I am finding the strength to write again on a regular basis. I was posting articles over at www.publichouseentertainment.com but I'm not sure what's going on right now. As such I'mmo do this my way. So here is the latest article I did write for the holiday season a few weeks ago.

I think it's still timely. But if you don't think so you can just jump into your time machine. Oh, what's that? You don't have one. Hmm...aint that a shame.


Even though there are plenty of advertisements telling me it’s Christmas time – oh sorry I mean “Holiday Time”- I’m still not buying. Perhaps it’s the West Coast’s lack of winter weather, which I don’t really mind. But not having to scrape frozen rain off the front of my car in the morning as I curse under my breath did seem to add to the holiday season. I almost miss freezing my ass off….almost.

I’m pretty sure most people are aware that the whole month of December has becoming increasingly commercialized over the years. I’m not about to go on a rant, that has been happening year after year. People go on about the movie specials or long lines at stores or lack of charity. Whatever, life is rough. You don’t have a house and I don’t have Playstation 3. Though I must say if I were homeless I’d make sure to milk the holiday spirit for all it’s worth and save up my earnings to last me the year. Wrap up that turkey leg and save it for later. Thank you soup kitchen!

But I digress, my real issue this coming season has to do with a certain decoration I keep spotting. Now I must start by saying I’m all for Christmas lights. In fact I will most likely be that one asshole on the block who leaves them up all year long. Not only because I’m too lazy to take them down but I simply like the addition. Call me simple but I think lights are pretty. It just looks cooler to be driving around at night and see things lit up. It also would help after I’ve had a few beers. If your house is lit up I’m less likely to hit it.

Though I’m sure they don’t stay up because the sheer joy of only seeing these up for a month makes it all the more special. If this were true maybe recently married couples, especially the celebrity ones, should only see each other once a year. Then perhaps it would last longer. Just saying.

Ok now back to the real issue. The decoration that is taking over. The giant inflatable snow globe. As if the smaller ones weren’t getting enough play we have to blow it up.

Now as annoyed as I want to be over this invention I have to congratulate the inventor. Yes it is completely unnecessary but finally the snow globe is making a come back. First of all you don’t have to shake it, it’ll blow the snow around over and over. Second of all it it’s more to scale. For too long I wasn’t able to really identify with the mini people and their snow covered village. There were just too damn small. I’d strain to figure out if the mini person was wearing a scarf or the paint job was bad. But now I can clearly make out any scene.

In fact I think the only way to improve such an item would be allowing me to go inside. Now I can help the school children finish making that snowman or I can just freak the hell out of my neighbors by waving at them for hours and hours. I’d only really have to worry about choking on the fake snow flying all around. But think about it – you could custom make your snow globe. Dress up like Darth Vadar and swing that 100 dollar lightsaber around. You know the one that’s always in Spencer’s Gifts. Hell you could have a whole lightsaber flight to save baby Jesus! That would really jazz up the holiday spirit and start a dialogue between people. Though it would probably be about how you lost your mind.

Finally we can go back to feeling there are true Christmas miracles happening in our towns. Ones loosely based off of a George Lucas franchise.

please refer to askcol.blogspot.com for a frequently updated site but do stop by Kickin it to see if I found other stuff to write about

the end

Quick story:

I was in a public bathroom recently after watching a play so it was full of "the ladies." I just had to pee and as I situated myself in the stall I heard one of the most glorious things ever. I mean let's face it, people fart and often times you will fart in the bathroom. The toilet bowl is a pretty resonate device and so when this woman near me started to fart, she decided to try and cover it up with coughing.

I instantly started to smile because people always will joke around about that but its rare that you witness this feable attempt to cover up ones farts.

oh and PS - it doesn't really work.

Sorry for lack of writing. My entire life revolves around looking at a mac computer screen. Editing is stealing my life. This week is hell week so afterwards I hope to write more.

It may also be of some interest to know I hit black ice yesterday and my car slammed into a curb at a whopping 10-15mph, creating an explosion which I barely escaped from as the mushroom cloud settled and I wiped my brow. Ok so that didn't really happen but now my stearing wheel shakes when I drive! Yay!

Here's to safe driving!

It's almost time to officially celebrate the beginning of the destruction of native american culture! Thanks pilgrams!

Forever 1/64th Cherokee Indian,
Colleen

Second Grade Journal entry:

If I could do anything I wanted I would...

I would never go to school agen. Becuse we have lunch to late!

Can we talk about my use of choices here for a second? First of all the question was ANYTHING I wanted. Out off all the amazing possibilities like flying, going to six flags with no one there, become a jedi, eat candy all day, etc. I chose something school related. Now of all the complaints about school I could have went with something like the workload, the bullies, the peer pressure, getting up early, mean teachers, having to run a mile in gym class...
No I can deal with all of that but having lunch past 12 o'clock is just inhumane.

Perhaps I wrote this knowing the teacher would check it and hoped that maybe this petition would call some attention to the hard hitting issues of elementary school. ACT NOW!

Second Grade Journal entry: June 5, 1992

This summer would be terrible if...

The beach got blowen away. Then I could not go swimming at the beach. I could not find any shells or big rocks to climb. I could not go to the creek. I could not go fishing or have a bonfrie. I could not have any fun at the beach because it got blowen away. And I could not make a sandcastle. I would not have any fun at the beach. And that would be terrible!

I really like the fact that I went for something that was so dramatic. Not anything like, "oh what if I lose my bike" or "I missed reruns of saturday morning cartoons." I didn't even go for anything feasible like we didn't get to go to the beach. No, in my mind I annihilated the beach all together. No more beach. I'm not really sure what took it's place but I can tell you it's terrible! No sandcastles?! Might as well just cancle christmas while we're at it.

Just a general PS:

I have been going over some of my old posts and I have to say that I am pretty damn funny. To some people this may seem like I'm tooting my own horn and you would be right. I am awesome. I am aware of this. Let's not deny it. That will get us no where.
I mean after all, here you are reading what I have to say. Suck on that for awhile before you judge because you should know when you point the finger of blame at someone there are three fingers pointed right at you.

oh man, so deep...

Second Grade Journal entry: 11/11/92

List 3 favorite combination foods. Write their food groups.

1. Pizza
2. Tockes
3. chile

I like how I didn't do the second part of this assignment, perhaps I was banking on my teacher being so impressed by my consumption of a latin american nation that she would just forget about the food group. Also, I have no idea what Tockes is supposed to be. My best guess is tacos.

Second Grade Journal entry: January 28, 1992

One day I might...

Go to afrika And find a tresher in the a deep hole. And keep it to my self. But I would ride a tiger home but my mom would skreem.

I would like to let everyone know that is still on my "To Do" list.

Second Grade Journal entry:

If I were a giant...

I would crash the schools and I would eat dragins lifer. And my name would be school crasher.

Isn't it great that the first thing I would do as a giant would be to destroy the educational system. I dunno why dragons seem to be involved, perhaps because it too is a mystical creature. But I have to say that my name would be pretty appropriate.