I can't beleaf it's Thursday already. However, I CAN beleaf it's not butter.

Today I'm going to some snazzy Sushi place for dinner with my brother. I've heard only great things about it so I got some high hopes and will make sure to eat my face off. Literally, my face will fall off from all the food consumed. Then I'll have to do EXTREME surgery to get it back all. It'll never be the same.

Sorry for my delay. I have been quite busy as of late with a new trabajo, mi hermano in town, and having to move to a new apartamento. I might have made up that last word. The others you can look up. Spanglish is fun!

I'm currently driving like a bajillion miles a day in my car since I got the new digs. This is common for most in the LA area, except I rode my bike ALL the time previously. So now in order to feel semi active, I try to flex my stomach and tap my legs to the mad phat beats of my mix CDs but I don't think that is enough to burn off the calories of a cupcake. So tragic.

It has been decided amongst friends last night that there MUST be a puppy channel. Full of adorable puppies doing such things as:

Running (through snow/fields/beach)
Being afraid to jump off the couch
Barking for a treat
Sleeping with other puppies
Looking back and forth at a toy off screen
Wearing puppy sweaters
Staring at a TV with a kitty on it

Segway into Kitty Channel, coming this Fall!

We feel it can be much like the yule log that runs during the Christmas season. It's just on as a default channel. Either that or it can run at night against informercials and to make money we can scroll ads/logos along the bottom. Most likely it'll be sponsored by Petco. Eventually it can be a whole network full of baby animals. Including giraffes trying to get their legs under them for the first time. There will be zanky elevator type music, you know, the stuff you hear on America's Funniest Videos. Perhaps we can even get Bob Saget to host....?

This is a gem sweater of a concept. Don't steal my idea, people of the internets, or I'll be aReal annoyed.

I saw this Old Spice commercial the other day and was so amused by it I watched it again. In case you haven't seen it, I think you should.



Now you can impress all your co-workers at the water cooler with your know how of current pop culture events. How hip are you?

Let's talk about the Olympics for a second. Have you guys seen the "sport" where people cross country ski and then shoot stuff? I watched it on the TVs over the weekend, thoroughly confused. How is this an OLYMPIC event?

My aunt claimed it was something people in the Netherlands (or whatever) did years ago as a lifestyle; ski around and kill some animals to bring back to the fam. OK, I get the tradition but we don't hunt for food anymore. Currently they shoot at these targets.

Suggested improvement: dress people up as animals and shoot them with a paintball gun while on snow mobiles.

Now THAT I would watch.

I heart three day weekends.

A lot going down in my world at the moment. I got a new job as an assistant to two showrunners on an ABC family show. The big check minus is that it's currently 40 miles away from my apartment. And that's just one way.

So I'm now going to be moving...to the valley.

GASP! No!

Yes, it's true. A move I never expected but it will cut my round trip commute to 50 miles. My biking to work days are over. I will now join the masses who spend hours in their car, yelling at the morons in their way.

I could move closer but then I'd be surrounded by NOTHING and NO ONE would visit. Or at least I'd never visit anyone in the deep valley, unless they had a kick ass pool. Which my new apartment will. Score.

I heard a really great backhand compliment yesterday while waiting to donate blood. There is this donation truck that comes by our offices every 6 months or so and I decide to do a good deed for a free movie ticket and a cookie. It's a nice barter system.

Since I work on a small studio lot many people walk by to see what the hub bub is all about. Naturally, the people running the donation center capitalize on this. So this one skinny chick, possibly an actress, walks by. When asked to participate she said and I quote:

"I can't. I don't weight enough."

To which I replied under my breath, "Shut up."

With Vday 'round the corner I'm looking forward to awkward vday themed plotlines on some of my fave comedy shows and lifetime movies.

I can't believe how much of a "thing" Vday is now. I mean it's not even a real day. Way to go Hallmark. I need to work there so I can convince them to create Cookie Day or Pretend To Be Sick To Get Out Of Work Day or Shameless Come Ons Day.

While in High School my friends on the track team (yeah I ran track!) used to jokingly "hit on" our super sweet married coach. Randomly in the middle of practice we'd be like, "Mr. Young, do you have a bandaid?" Then he'd look concerned that you hurt yourself and ask what happened. We'd reply, "I scratched my knee when I fell for you." Then he'd get a big ol' grin and with a hand motion say, "ohh you!"

He was the greatest.

This weekend I didn't bother to watch the Superbowl. Mostly because I forgot and then realized when the grocery stores were insane. Must buy food!

I did however help to invent a new word. While hanging out with a friend we combined two things; magicians and lesbians to become....

Magibians.

By definition magibians are lesbians but only for the duration of their magic act. So there might be some extra smiles or suggestive winking while that assistant is sawed in half.

Now later on in the day I was rather sleepy and my friend showed me a poster that read: THE MAGIBIANS. On either side was a semi nude photo of a woman and there a bunch of copy referring to a magic show in some hotel. At the bottom was a website. The combination of sleepy and being more gullible then I'd like to admit made me naturally ask:

"Did you go to magibians.com?!"

He then proceeded to laugh hysterically at my sincerity. He obvs made the poster. But stranger things have been found on the interwebs. Or at least that was my defense.

Today while killing some time during the "wait" section of the "hurry up and wait" part I randomly got the song "Shake It Fast" by Mystikal in my head. Namely the chorus. Naturally the co-worker I was with looked up the song lyrics so we could fully appreciate the wonder of this hip hop ballad to the ladies.

Behold:

I'm comin' with the fire like Aiyaaa! - What an ethnic name.
Chocolate and bowlegged, runnin' up behind ya - You know how hard it is to run bowlegged? You better stretch first. PS; Thanks for the chocolate.
Go 'head, get down, pop lock at the rockhouse - AKA my Saturday nights.
Girl, don't lie, you know you wanna go back to my house - I don't.
Man right'cher wanna get under that dress right there - If you're going to use right'cher once, why even bother to say it right later? It's insulting to ebonics.
Spicy cajun, we gon have a good time over there - I prefer spicy thai.
You better stick a head on that there crawfish - What?
You gotta bend all the way over to dance off this - Again, what?
Handle your business, 'cuz you know he do it way better - Business as in finances.
You're dead wrong - Are you arguing with yourself?
So if you totin' by and brothers make noise when you pass by - Totin'? not a word, sorry.
get on the dance floor girl, - You can't tell me what to do!
'Cuz this your song - I'm more of an Annie Lennox fan.
Do your thang, - OK, here comes the cabbage patch!
Don't be scured - I'm going to guess you failed English...
'Cuz you gon get served - Oh snap!
I'll get mine and you'll get yurn - What does that even mean?
Brothers thank that ass so lovely - You're welcome.
Raise it up, show yo g-string hustlin', hustlin' - Actually it's Hanes perfect fit.
Bend over, girl, show me what'cha workin' wit - I'm workin' wit dis right'cher!

It goes on. Feel free to enjoy it in it's entirety. I sure did.

It was my birthday this past weekend. I am now 26. Officially out of my early 20s and into the decade where I have to think about adult stuff like 401Ks, a house, career, settling down. Gross. I don't feel 26 at all and don't look at all like the people in their 20s on reality shows, whether it's Project Runway or The Bachelor (PS - if you are on The Bachelor that young, there is something wrong, did you even try the interwebs?). They seem so much older, but that's probs because I look 18. Let's just say the bartenders are always surprised.

To celebrate I went snowboarding as it is free on your bday. Totes aws. It was aReal crowded. I think everyone came to see me...OR it snowed for like a week previously. Whatevs. Since it was crowded I went over to the harder side of the mountain. I'm no expert but I held my own and am quite proud to say that I only ate it once; on the easiest part of the course. My tailbone is still feeling it.

A couple of fun things:

1. My pinky toe on my right foot feels numb. Kinda like pins and needles. Not sure what that's about but it's starting to get annoying. Perhaps it's nerve damage? I hope it magically heals itself because until it turns blue or falls off, I'm honestly not going to do anything about it.

2. On the way back down the mountain at night there was a patch of black ice that took my car for a spin right into the mountain. The car started to skid towards a wall of snow and of all the things I could have yelled I chose: "Oh dear!" We were actually super lucky that the people behind us didn't hit us, no one was coming up the mountain, the car only clipped the mountain so the bumper is chipped but otherwise fine, AND the best part; we didn't swirve the other way because there was no guard rail (good idea) and we would've gone off a cliff - 80s cop show style, probably blowing up on impact.

So yay I'm alive! Although it would have been kinda badass to die on my bday as well. And I'd have a pretty good death story for heaven, not to mention bonus points for not cursing before dying.

Last night as I was getting ready to sleep I heard the chirping of a cricket in the room. Immediately I thought, "Well, that's not gonna fly." So I went on the hunt to find where he was hiding. I located the target and terminated it. It was a necessary evil. I mean, really dude, you have the ENTIRE outdoors to live in. Don't break into my apartment and start making noise at midnight. That's just not cool.

Other crickets with internet access who can read beware!

You get greedy and you'll pay the price.

I'd like to share with you a little visual gift. This is the image currently on my desktop. It's often a bright spot in my day. I think you know why...

Amazing.

Please excuse my tardiness as of late. I've been busy working on a script. Deadline was today so now I can come back out and play. But if you are going to be coming to my door every day and banging incessantly then I'm going to pretend I'm not home.

I remember my Mom used to have us pretend not to be home when a Jehovah's Witness would coming a knockin'. She must have had radar because she would spot them from around the block and have us close the door, blinds, and turn out the lights. Not like she hates religion or anything, though she did go to Catholic school and once out was all, "Screw that, I'm going Christian!" They say the best way to create an atheist is to put them in Catholic School.

Must be sad being a Jehovah's Witness. I'm sure that happens a lot, and there are some Moms less savvy who they catch closing the blinds. Perhaps they spend their days listening to that Green Day song, Boulevard of Broken Dreams...

Second Grade Journal Entry:

OK, there are a lot of things that I like about this one. First of all, I get to pretend I'm Squanto. And perhaps it was a fruedian slip about staying "war my tribe was." Funny you should misspell that...(insert actual WAR). Also that response can be one sentence, not two.

Second, for all of you who love FAILBLOG, we can add in a MATH FAIL at the end. No, Colleen, 10 is not the "ansr."

Dear Martin Luther King Jr,

Thanks so much for being black and fighting for your rights. Sorry you got shot. That's lame. Future generations will honor this day by sleeping late, making a decent breakfast because they actually have time in the morning, and perhaps watching a movie and/or shopping. Hopefully you are enjoying the VIP section of heaven with Gandhi and Mother T.

Earthboundly yours,
C$

Today I'm pretty jazzed for 2 reasons.

1. It's the Friday of a long weekend. MLK day in the house!

2. Adding the actual page right out of the Second Grade Journal:

It seems only appropriate for the coming weekend that I post this one. Even as a child I knew the value of having 3 days off. But I was bold and pushed the envelope saying I wanted half days as well. Let's be honest, we can cram it all in there if you take out the "sharing" lessons. The best part is the check mark left behind from my teacher. There aren't many of those in there but this one she completely agreed with.

Also it's important to know what the greatest and least number is. I use that on a daily basis.

Recently I discovered that I can add pictures to this blog rather easily. Welcome to the information age, Colleen. Come sit a spell.

This is going to be awesome for you. Starting with the visualization of some Second Grade Journal entries because reading them straight from the source is where the real magic comes from.

Meal Worm Saga - Part VII (now with visuals!)

Enjoy!

This is my 800th post. Is it sad or awesome that immediately I think how Yoda is 800 years old so him and I are alike? One step closer to becoming a Jedi in real life...

800 calls for a celebration. TV shows hope to get to 100 episodes because then you get syndication rights aka you never have to work again. Oh, hello check that comes in the mail from my sitcom many a year ago. This blog is like a sitcom many times over. So in many ways, I should retire. I'm working too hard.

I wonder what I'll be like in my retirement. Something tells me that I'll never really stop working. But perhaps my "work" will change forms into sleeping late, watching Food Network, and yelling at the neighborhood riff raff. This is yet another reason why we need Time Machines. I'd like to catch a glimpse of myself. I think my future self could handle seeing my younger self. I'm mentally healthy enough to sustain time travel visits. I'd totally hang out with myself. Let myself borrow some money and or clothes. I'd be my own BFF.

I'll tell you one thing, the "making fun of stuff" level would be off the charts.

On today's episode of second grade journal entries...

The Mealworm Saga presents - Part VI

1. When will my mealworms turn into bettles?
2. They have seven legs.
3. My mealworms like to hide onder the oatmeal.
4. They have one leg in the back of them.
5. They do not make nose.

On the edge of your seat yet? Yeah, me neither...