Last night I realized my inner mantra is: Kitty
Friday, March 14, 2003
I apologize I havent updated. I know how annoying that can get. The past week has been great. I have no obligation except hanging around the house, sleeping, eating, watching conan with friends. I think I have to award Merry with the phrase of the week. You see we had a lot of people over the house when we were filming for Jesse's project and then afterwards we'd hang around and after awhile if someone said something Merry didn't agree with she'd say:
Get out of my house.
It's funny cuz its not true, this aint her house...although I never objected I just said, Yeah get out of her house. I believe once she said it to my mom, crazy Merry.
Also while home I discovered the BEST mug in the world. I didnt even know we owned such an amazing drinking device but alas there in the cabinet stands a mug stating, "Sun your Buns." It's from Florida. I will make sure whenever i drink hot cocoa, I use that mug for it tis beautiful.
Get out of my house.
It's funny cuz its not true, this aint her house...although I never objected I just said, Yeah get out of her house. I believe once she said it to my mom, crazy Merry.
Also while home I discovered the BEST mug in the world. I didnt even know we owned such an amazing drinking device but alas there in the cabinet stands a mug stating, "Sun your Buns." It's from Florida. I will make sure whenever i drink hot cocoa, I use that mug for it tis beautiful.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
There was lots of filming last night for Jesse's freshman film project. Lighting is such a bitch, its the thing you def take for granted and it seems like it would be no problem but it always takes longer than you think. But I really had fun, I mean how could I not? This is basically what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. Jesse had brought a couple of his SVA friends to help him out and after the shoot we went to a diner. There Matt told us that his voice was changing in the third grade. "Everyone thought I had a cold. They would ask all the time and I would say 'No...I'm fine.'" We then discussed giant checks. Tony said he would get a big one, write it out to himself and carry it around.
Also Josh and I created a new improv training game while on set. It's meant to train you not to laugh. It involves two people standing face to face. One person hits the other with a foam bat while they both attempt to appear dignified. You have to try and find your not funny place. We pretended to be Officers, Senators, and Kevin Spacey. It's a lot harder than you think. Nevertheless, I think everyone should make it a hobby. We both thought it would be extremely amusing if someone was to walk in on us doing this. We would yell at them to get out and a single tear would fall from Josh's eye as I continued to hit him with a foam bat. They would think we were insane, and they would be right.
Also Josh and I created a new improv training game while on set. It's meant to train you not to laugh. It involves two people standing face to face. One person hits the other with a foam bat while they both attempt to appear dignified. You have to try and find your not funny place. We pretended to be Officers, Senators, and Kevin Spacey. It's a lot harder than you think. Nevertheless, I think everyone should make it a hobby. We both thought it would be extremely amusing if someone was to walk in on us doing this. We would yell at them to get out and a single tear would fall from Josh's eye as I continued to hit him with a foam bat. They would think we were insane, and they would be right.
Sunday, March 09, 2003
Yesterday my dad is all, you need to update. Only thing is, my brain doesnt want to work anymore or be very creative or report on humorous things. As such, I feel I have failed my people who look forward to my antics. Perhaps I'm getting too old for this town. I am all of 19 now. I just dont have the memory or motivation since spring break hit some 2 days ago. Tis hard times. The economic system is in shambles. The kids are out of control. The gadgets are all imported from them Japanese who are secretly planning to steal all our American hot dogs. I have evidence...yesterday on the Food Network they showed a hot dog eating contest and these Japanese PUNK ate 50 hot dogs. I would say he exploded afterward all over a hello kitty purse, but that would be a lie.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
Fun with IM Conversations.
matt knife fight: hey hey hey
Lactaid Lady: hey yo
matt knife fight: guess what
Lactaid Lady: you met John Tesh?
matt knife fight: yea and we're engaged
Lactaid Lady: WOW!
matt knife fight: i know, he makes me so happy.
matt knife fight: no, not really. i'm in VT!!
Lactaid Lady: really
Lactaid Lady: so you really are going to get married
The John Tesh mention was for Dana, she like...loves to use his name and that love is starting to wear off on me.
and I hope people get the joke of him actually getting married cuz Vermont is like the only state where gay people can get married. I for one thought that comment I made was extremely clever of me.
matt knife fight: hey hey hey
Lactaid Lady: hey yo
matt knife fight: guess what
Lactaid Lady: you met John Tesh?
matt knife fight: yea and we're engaged
Lactaid Lady: WOW!
matt knife fight: i know, he makes me so happy.
matt knife fight: no, not really. i'm in VT!!
Lactaid Lady: really
Lactaid Lady: so you really are going to get married
The John Tesh mention was for Dana, she like...loves to use his name and that love is starting to wear off on me.
and I hope people get the joke of him actually getting married cuz Vermont is like the only state where gay people can get married. I for one thought that comment I made was extremely clever of me.
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
So I find out today that Tony isnt going home for break...yeah my ride plans are screwed now. Hurray!
In other news: In my acting class we have to do this thing called Rock Star where you pick a rock star, lip sing, and imitate them. Our teacher wanted us to pick someone that was a challenge for them, someone unlike themselves. So who does Colleen pick? Well, Christina Anguilera of course! I have an outfit that is staggering to anyone who knows me. It includes fishnet stockings, high heels, short mini skirt that has shorts built in (thank god), a tacky camaflogue green/blue top and a nice red bra. There clothes arent mine....its mostly Dana. I dunno why she has all these whore clothes but God Bless her! I'm also going to do some makeup, put these blond extentions in and maybe add a stick on nose ring. I do this tomorrow at 11 am. I will become what I hate and shake it like it's nobody's biz. It's very entertaining though I must say.
I can't even imagine what my father is thinking at this moment.
In other news: In my acting class we have to do this thing called Rock Star where you pick a rock star, lip sing, and imitate them. Our teacher wanted us to pick someone that was a challenge for them, someone unlike themselves. So who does Colleen pick? Well, Christina Anguilera of course! I have an outfit that is staggering to anyone who knows me. It includes fishnet stockings, high heels, short mini skirt that has shorts built in (thank god), a tacky camaflogue green/blue top and a nice red bra. There clothes arent mine....its mostly Dana. I dunno why she has all these whore clothes but God Bless her! I'm also going to do some makeup, put these blond extentions in and maybe add a stick on nose ring. I do this tomorrow at 11 am. I will become what I hate and shake it like it's nobody's biz. It's very entertaining though I must say.
I can't even imagine what my father is thinking at this moment.
Sunday, March 02, 2003
This was written on my wipeboard last night:
This is the story of Conan. He smells like grapenuts. Sometimes he hangs out by the Junior High and scouts for ass. This is gross. Regardless, Conan went on to become a junior member in the republic of Conania (I think that's what it says) and currently is married with four hundred children whom he does not fully appreciate. I like corn dogs and soda.
-Mr. Hamb(scribble scribble - I think its supposed to be Hamburger)
Under this I wrote: Someone is drunk and likes to write.
This is the story of Conan. He smells like grapenuts. Sometimes he hangs out by the Junior High and scouts for ass. This is gross. Regardless, Conan went on to become a junior member in the republic of Conania (I think that's what it says) and currently is married with four hundred children whom he does not fully appreciate. I like corn dogs and soda.
-Mr. Hamb(scribble scribble - I think its supposed to be Hamburger)
Under this I wrote: Someone is drunk and likes to write.
Saturday, March 01, 2003
So I had this piece of paper that I wrote funny things down on and now I can't find it. This is very annoying. But I guess I could tell you about this show idea Dana and I came up with, it's called Baby Killer. Its about this guy who kills baby's and to steal their things like pacifier, crib, osh kosh bagosh overalls, their mini shoes, and the car seat. The theme song will be sung my an heavy metal hair band like Poison. Baby Kill-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
The last o the last:
Just then Joan Rivers turned around and noticed the bomb was dead. She screamed and her face cracked. She was so angry that her plan failed that she began to melt, until all that was left was a puddle of Botox.
They all rejoiced. But Tori Spelling was frozen still. She was mesmerized by all the paparazzi taking pictures.
Then out of no where, Charles in Charge’s star Scoot Baio showed up. He had been looking all over for Tori Spelling so they could be together the way only early 90s television stars could. He kissed her out of her daze and they instantly fell in love and wanted to get married.
Inspired by their affection, MC Hammer suggested that Michael Bolton “turn this mutha out” with a song, and he did. He sang ‘Love is a Wonderful Thing.’ (enter music here)
But this happily ever after didn’t last very long: The seven washed up stars got their second chance when they were offered a sitcom on the WB, but only the pilot was shot and then it was pulled before it could be aired. Tori Spelling and Scott Baio stayed married for a solid 2 months and then divorced faster than J-Lo could ever imagine.
D End.
Just then Joan Rivers turned around and noticed the bomb was dead. She screamed and her face cracked. She was so angry that her plan failed that she began to melt, until all that was left was a puddle of Botox.
They all rejoiced. But Tori Spelling was frozen still. She was mesmerized by all the paparazzi taking pictures.
Then out of no where, Charles in Charge’s star Scoot Baio showed up. He had been looking all over for Tori Spelling so they could be together the way only early 90s television stars could. He kissed her out of her daze and they instantly fell in love and wanted to get married.
Inspired by their affection, MC Hammer suggested that Michael Bolton “turn this mutha out” with a song, and he did. He sang ‘Love is a Wonderful Thing.’ (enter music here)
But this happily ever after didn’t last very long: The seven washed up stars got their second chance when they were offered a sitcom on the WB, but only the pilot was shot and then it was pulled before it could be aired. Tori Spelling and Scott Baio stayed married for a solid 2 months and then divorced faster than J-Lo could ever imagine.
D End.
Sunday, February 23, 2003
Mo' Story:
So finally when the day arrived they all got into Mr. T’s A-Team van and drove to Hollywood. Mr. T had an AT&T commercial to shoot so it was on the way. The whole ride he kept giving Tori advice to stay in school, drink her milk, and don’t take drugs.
When they arrived, Macgyver escorted her out and down the red carpet. He was there not just as a friend, but as a bodyguard. The whole time he kept a look out for any danger. The he noticed that her snap bracelet was keeping time. But when he looked closer he saw that it was counting down. He had seen this before on his self titled action packed show - Macgyver. He had to stop the bomb, where ever it was. And he had less than three minutes to do it.
He scouted around, and listened for a tic of a bomb. He looked over to where Joan Rivers was standing; she was getting her finishing touches on her make up. It was then that he noticed a tic and he followed the sound. He ran through the crowd of stars and to Joan Rivers’ camera crew. It was there, by the microphones, that he saw the bomb. It was attached to the bottom of the microphone labeled, “Tori Spelling’s microphone.”
At this point he had a minute left. He didn’t come prepared so he did what he does best – use random objects to save the day. So he used his wrist watch, a complimentary mint toothpick, and the chewy caramel center of a milk dud. With seconds remaining he diffused the bomb and saved the day.
End Part 4
So finally when the day arrived they all got into Mr. T’s A-Team van and drove to Hollywood. Mr. T had an AT&T commercial to shoot so it was on the way. The whole ride he kept giving Tori advice to stay in school, drink her milk, and don’t take drugs.
When they arrived, Macgyver escorted her out and down the red carpet. He was there not just as a friend, but as a bodyguard. The whole time he kept a look out for any danger. The he noticed that her snap bracelet was keeping time. But when he looked closer he saw that it was counting down. He had seen this before on his self titled action packed show - Macgyver. He had to stop the bomb, where ever it was. And he had less than three minutes to do it.
He scouted around, and listened for a tic of a bomb. He looked over to where Joan Rivers was standing; she was getting her finishing touches on her make up. It was then that he noticed a tic and he followed the sound. He ran through the crowd of stars and to Joan Rivers’ camera crew. It was there, by the microphones, that he saw the bomb. It was attached to the bottom of the microphone labeled, “Tori Spelling’s microphone.”
At this point he had a minute left. He didn’t come prepared so he did what he does best – use random objects to save the day. So he used his wrist watch, a complimentary mint toothpick, and the chewy caramel center of a milk dud. With seconds remaining he diffused the bomb and saved the day.
End Part 4
Saturday, February 22, 2003
Story Cont.:
Why a snap bracelet? Joan figured, it’s tacky and anyone who tries to bring back a trend from the ‘80s should be blown up.
Joan was extremely pleased with her plan and she would have laughed manically but all the plastic surgery prevented her from doing anything else but smile and constantly look surprised.
Back at the cottage Tori was helping Alf memorize his lines for his next 1-800-Collect commercial when Macgyver came back from his daily walk with the mail. He noticed the invitation for Tori and called her over.
“WOAH!” cried Joey Lawrance, “You got invited to the Golden Globes!”
“Oh my God!” she exclaimed, “I guess they don’t hate me after all. But whatever shall I wear?”
MC Hammer came over and offered her his beautifully glistening blue jumpsuit. As much as Tori loved shinny objects, she knew it wouldn’t fit.
“Quit your jibba jabba! She’s got a package too” said Mr. T.
Tori opened the package and saw a wonderful dress just for her with a matching snap bracelet. “Goodie, I love snap bracelets!” she exclaimed.
“Who sent it to you?” asked Angela Lansbury.
“Joan Rivers. Aw, how nice of her, I’ll have to make sure to go and see her when I arrive,” said Tori.
But this whole thing seemed suspicious to Angela. “How curious? Why would Joan Rivers send you a package the same day your invitation arrived?” Her work on Murder She Wrote was making her want to get to the bottom of this mystery, but no one else listened to her, for she was old.
End Part 3
Why a snap bracelet? Joan figured, it’s tacky and anyone who tries to bring back a trend from the ‘80s should be blown up.
Joan was extremely pleased with her plan and she would have laughed manically but all the plastic surgery prevented her from doing anything else but smile and constantly look surprised.
Back at the cottage Tori was helping Alf memorize his lines for his next 1-800-Collect commercial when Macgyver came back from his daily walk with the mail. He noticed the invitation for Tori and called her over.
“WOAH!” cried Joey Lawrance, “You got invited to the Golden Globes!”
“Oh my God!” she exclaimed, “I guess they don’t hate me after all. But whatever shall I wear?”
MC Hammer came over and offered her his beautifully glistening blue jumpsuit. As much as Tori loved shinny objects, she knew it wouldn’t fit.
“Quit your jibba jabba! She’s got a package too” said Mr. T.
Tori opened the package and saw a wonderful dress just for her with a matching snap bracelet. “Goodie, I love snap bracelets!” she exclaimed.
“Who sent it to you?” asked Angela Lansbury.
“Joan Rivers. Aw, how nice of her, I’ll have to make sure to go and see her when I arrive,” said Tori.
But this whole thing seemed suspicious to Angela. “How curious? Why would Joan Rivers send you a package the same day your invitation arrived?” Her work on Murder She Wrote was making her want to get to the bottom of this mystery, but no one else listened to her, for she was old.
End Part 3
Friday, February 21, 2003
Meanwhile, in the forest Tori Spelling was losing hope until at last she arrived in a clearing where a lone house stood. She went up to the door and could hear the song “Can’t Touch This” playing inside. It was one of her favorite songs so she opened the door to hear it better and she found seven pairs of eyes on her.
“What’s going on here?” she asked.
Mr. T stepped forward and with all this gold chains replied, “We are the seven washed up celebrities, fool!”
She looked around and noticed who was there; Mr.T, MC Hammer, Angela Lansbury, Macgyver, Alf, Michael Bolton, and Joey Lawerance who noticed who she was and exclaimed, “WOAH!” in pure Blossom fashion.
She told them her story about being shunned away and they all nodded in agreement, for they knew her story all too well. They were all surprised she held out so long.
Back in Hollywood (after getting another face lift), Joan Rivers searched far and wide for a way to kill Tori Spelling. In the end she decided to print up a fake invitation to the Golden Globes that stated Tori was being acknowledged for her work in the 1987 classic, Troop Beverly Hills. With the letter she would include a dress for her to wear, along with a snap bracelet that was the triggering device to a bomb. Once Tori arrived on the red carpet, Joan Rivers would call her over and the bomb would go off.
End Part 2
“What’s going on here?” she asked.
Mr. T stepped forward and with all this gold chains replied, “We are the seven washed up celebrities, fool!”
She looked around and noticed who was there; Mr.T, MC Hammer, Angela Lansbury, Macgyver, Alf, Michael Bolton, and Joey Lawerance who noticed who she was and exclaimed, “WOAH!” in pure Blossom fashion.
She told them her story about being shunned away and they all nodded in agreement, for they knew her story all too well. They were all surprised she held out so long.
Back in Hollywood (after getting another face lift), Joan Rivers searched far and wide for a way to kill Tori Spelling. In the end she decided to print up a fake invitation to the Golden Globes that stated Tori was being acknowledged for her work in the 1987 classic, Troop Beverly Hills. With the letter she would include a dress for her to wear, along with a snap bracelet that was the triggering device to a bomb. Once Tori arrived on the red carpet, Joan Rivers would call her over and the bomb would go off.
End Part 2
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
ok I have decided to post my storytelling fairtale for all o' yall. But I know people dont' like to read too much, so it will be in pieces. Like an HBO special with the voice of Tom Hanks!
The Hollywood Version: Snow White and the Seven Celebrities
Once upon a time in the magical kingdom of Hollywood there lived a producer who had a daughter. Her name was Tori Spelling. She was attractive and had no acting skills at all, but because she was his daughter he put her in everything he ever made. But one day, he died and the rest of the people in Hollywood hated her so much for all her terrible acting that they wanted to cast her away. This time her daddy couldn’t save her. So she was banished to never act again and sent to Northern California.
Soon after the most shallow and annoying fashion expert in all the land went up to her mirror and asked, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose hated most of all?”
The mirror replied, “Why you Joan Rivers, but there is another. Tori Spelling is hated still for what she did on Beverly Hills 90210. She was cast away up north and is wandering through the woods there.”
“Then she MUST die! For only I shall be the most hated in all the land!” said Joan Rivers. But before she whisked herself off to conjure up a plan to destroy Tori Spelling and broadcast the whole thing as a television special on E!, she asked, “Who is she wearing?” Then she proceeded to make bad jokes about K-Mart having a sale.
End Part 1
The Hollywood Version: Snow White and the Seven Celebrities
Once upon a time in the magical kingdom of Hollywood there lived a producer who had a daughter. Her name was Tori Spelling. She was attractive and had no acting skills at all, but because she was his daughter he put her in everything he ever made. But one day, he died and the rest of the people in Hollywood hated her so much for all her terrible acting that they wanted to cast her away. This time her daddy couldn’t save her. So she was banished to never act again and sent to Northern California.
Soon after the most shallow and annoying fashion expert in all the land went up to her mirror and asked, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, whose hated most of all?”
The mirror replied, “Why you Joan Rivers, but there is another. Tori Spelling is hated still for what she did on Beverly Hills 90210. She was cast away up north and is wandering through the woods there.”
“Then she MUST die! For only I shall be the most hated in all the land!” said Joan Rivers. But before she whisked herself off to conjure up a plan to destroy Tori Spelling and broadcast the whole thing as a television special on E!, she asked, “Who is she wearing?” Then she proceeded to make bad jokes about K-Mart having a sale.
End Part 1
Sunday, February 16, 2003
Friday, February 14, 2003
GASP! My first fan email!
TJ writes: What do you think about the movie Old School and its stealing of your website name?
Well, I was in the movie theatre when I saw the trailer and thought it was the most amazing trailer, simply because of the name. Initially I thought, it was pretty cool that they shared my name. Then after awhile, I thought about it - alone in a meadow, and it started to annoy me. I mean, if that movie sucks they could systematically destroy all the things that old school is associated with. I am worried for my future. I fear the worst. And as such, I am putting out a Red Alert for the readers of my site. Please read as much of the archives as you can and buy lots of duct tape and put it around your computer. If there arent many updates for about a week...fear the worst. But otherwise, Will Ferrel could make that whole thing worth seeing.
More emails are appreciated.
TJ writes: What do you think about the movie Old School and its stealing of your website name?
Well, I was in the movie theatre when I saw the trailer and thought it was the most amazing trailer, simply because of the name. Initially I thought, it was pretty cool that they shared my name. Then after awhile, I thought about it - alone in a meadow, and it started to annoy me. I mean, if that movie sucks they could systematically destroy all the things that old school is associated with. I am worried for my future. I fear the worst. And as such, I am putting out a Red Alert for the readers of my site. Please read as much of the archives as you can and buy lots of duct tape and put it around your computer. If there arent many updates for about a week...fear the worst. But otherwise, Will Ferrel could make that whole thing worth seeing.
More emails are appreciated.
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