As many of you already know, I don't like spiders. The smaller ones I can handle - and by small I mean you can barely see them. Anything a half inch is out of my league of handling.

Here's my thing...Listen up spiders!

You have ALL of the outside world/wilderness to live in. You could even stay in the basement/garage/attic for all I care. Out of sight, out of mind. And I know I don't go into those rooms enough that it's a problem, but what I am def NOT ok with is rooms in houses I frequent. More specifically - the bathroom. Even more specifically the tub/shower.

I don't like you around me even when I am fully clothed so my distain grows when I am in the buff and consider myself pretty much defenseless against you - again being like a million times bigger doesn't count. You make me resort to washing you down the drain. Do I WANT to kill you? No, not really but I feel you leave me little choice. If I let you live, no doubt I'll lose tabs on you and then you could be anywhere. If I let you out, there's a chance you'll get back in. So that then leaves me with the option of calling someone else in to kill you because I don't want your murder on my conscience. I'm not a monster.

Perhaps we should call some kind of truce or write up a treaty where you agree to stay out of my house/apartment/car and in return I won't hire a henchman (aka my cousin nate/uncle val) to come kill you.

How does that sound? Can you even hear? I know you guys have a lot of eyes and legs but not sure about the ears part. Anyway I'm going to assume you agree. I'll email it to you.

Sellout Update:

I totally rocked at surfing. Stood up on my second wave. My instructor, Carla, said I was a natural.

In other news:

I read something about CSI in the news and it made me think, "how many versions of that show do they have?" Answer: 3. Why not a fourth? How about CSI: Ohio. Think of it. Imagine a killer montage set to a The Who song as the detectives sit around bored in their office, perhaps one plays Snood or Mindsweeper. Or a technician cleans the lab. Someone reads a newspaper. A cop yawns in the squad car.

Intense!

I'll have to mingle with any contacts I can make at Jerry Bruckhimer TV. Wheelin' and dealin'!

It seems I lost my faith all too quickly. Now not only will Paris be back in jail, but she's going for the full 45 days. Glory be! It's a little bit wrong how happy that photo of her crying in the back of the cop car made me feel. So thanks Jesus, or God, or Allah, or Buddha, or Sun God. You are awesome!

I forgot to tell you all that on my lunch break last week I'm pretty sure I passed Jessica Simpson who was sitting down to eat outside with her mom. It looked like her, then I heard her talk. The dumb waves were very powerful.

I can't tell you how tempted I was to roundhouse her in the throat...

Sunday I will officially become a California resident. I've done "lunch" and "drinks" with other Hollywood assistants. It takes me an hour in the morning to drive 13 miles to work. I talk on my cell phone while I walk around Rodeo. I've had celebrity citings. I play Ultimate Frisbee with writers/actors/directors under the Hollywood sign. I've had to use valet. I have to "schedule" people a few weeks in advance. I had to put on sunscreen in Feb. I'm taking improv classes, which is close enough to acting classes.

But now, on Sunday I will go surfing, wet suit and all.

Fear not fellow New Yorkers! I still yell at other cars who clearly don't know how to drive. And of course when I talk I use my hands excessively. And from time to time that accent sneaks in, making others giggle.

I really shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. It seems that once again the rich get to go through the EZ Pass while the rest of us dig for quarters. I usually could care less about what Paris Hilton does but the whole jail thing was a dream come true. Now after 5 whole days she gets house arrest? I said before that her going to jail was proof that God did exist. Now I wonder if I should be an atheist. If it's a test, that's not funny. Don't mess with my hopes and dreams of seeing the rich girl get what's coming to her. And if I run into her in heaven, if there is such a place, she better watch out because I will clothes line her ass.

Today the CA fam and I went down to the Hermosa Pier that was all set up for Memorial Day festivities. They had this cool Toyota Highway of the Future set up that taught you all about how to live green and how hybrids work. As you walk around they give you this card to swipe to use the interactive displays. Each station allows you to gain points that you can claim a prize with later. First one is a recycled pencil - kinda lame. Second is planting a tree - all about forests. Third is a self powering flashlight - I was like YES! Got my points, enough for the flashlight when I thought, you know let's do the world some good and plant a tree in my name. As the display came up asking me to state my name. I hesitated for a second, contimplating if I should make it under the name: Tits Magee. But alas, I did not. But it would have been pretty hilarious if I did.

It's been awhile. I apologize for all those who feel the need to hear from me on a regular basis, but you know what sometimes I feel like you are suffocating me. I mean, I like you and all but you need to back off a bit. I need my me-time, you know? So stop calling me for awhile because otherwise I'll tell you that "we need to talk." Then I'll lay the whole, "let's take a break," thing on you which will eventually lead to me saying, "yeah, I want to break up."

But in other news, last week I was putting some more money in my meter at work when I came across crumbled up money. I looked around, saw no one nearby, so I bent down to pick it up. Only in Beverly Hills would someone drop a 20. I didn't really want to take it, but what choice do I have? Leave it there for some Mercedes driving agent to get it? I think not. I did myself some civil service. Thank you, God. I owe you one.

After I pumped gallon after gallon of gasoline into my car at the Costco station the digital screen told me:

"Protect the Environment and Avoid Spills. Do Not Top Off."

I feel like it's inappropriate for a gas station to be telling me to protect the environment. As if spilling a drop will ruin the crop that grows in the ever abundant concrete fields. It should read:

"Protect the Environment and help fund Doc Brown's Flux Cupacitor or Buy a Hybrid."

Whatever happened to the Best Friend necklace? You know the one, a broken heart that on one side says "Be Fri" and the other "st ends." How come this was only available to me when I was in elementary school and we had our "holiday" shopping at school. Which by the way I purchased a lucky rabbit's foot year after year after getting my dad the generic dad gift, a cheap tool kit that was almost unusable. For mom, it was much easier, cheap earrings. The brother, well I already got a tool set, so maybe another rabbit foot? '

But I digress. Do we not cherish the need to claim our best friends anymore? As we get older our gifts turn to money and gift cards. Why not kick it oldschool and bring back the Best Friend necklace? I feel this is an untapped market that Tiffany's can make a pretty penny on. Then when it becomes the it thing, thanks to those shadow commericals (though that was for De Beer - damn you marketing for making me remember!), it can boost the economy by giving hustlers in NYC something else to make knockoff brands of.

Just imagine a shining 24K gold necklace with Best Friends written in diamonds....or at least you thought it was gold until it turned your neck green. Tricked again! If this happens, please note that you need a new Be Fri.

Today, Friday May 4, 2007 should be marked on our calanders and be remembered for years to come as the day that we held the proof in our hands that God really exists.

Behold, Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail that she can't get out of. I don't know about you but I am beelining it to church....

Also I'd like to update you all on my Battlestar Galactica status.

I held out finishing the last disc of Season 2.5 for about a week which you have to say is rather impressive. Before I get into how I avoided the shakes I'd like to mention that although I love the show, its pretty ridiculous/ingenuis for them to have made Season 2.0 and 2.5 and make me buy both DVD packets seperately for like 30 bucks each. Bastards! They are like crack dealers.

So I finished Season 2.5 and of course it ends in a way that has me exclaiming, "Oh my god." This response comes not just from the well executed finale but the sad reality that I have run out of episodes....
Or have I?

So I start thinking there must be a way around the system because I know there is no way I'm going to be able to hold out until August when Season 3 comes out. Sci-Fi doesn't have an on demand channel I was aware of, but my cousin Nate buys stuff on iTunes. So yes, thank you Steve Jobs for helping me get ma' fix. Low and behold 19 episodes are available for $34.99. Which I of course bought last night at about 11:30pm. And I didn't have the patience to wait for it to fully download before watching it. Come on now. Waiting? That's nonsense. But I haven't finished watching it because

1 it wasn't all downloaded
2 it was 2 hours long
3 I got sleepies

This weekend my cousin Nate and I did an impromptu apartment search in a few areas we heard about from friends. On one we found several signs so we parked to walk around. Low and behold there were a few open houses going on for that day. So we figure, we have nothing to lose. Only when we walked in there are people who are around 30 looking. They all turn to look at these 20 somethings coming in. Imediately you know that you can't afford this. The landlord lady welcomes you anyway. You continually say, "wow this is nice." or "look at all this space."

You can't just pivot and leave, that's rude, you've already made eye contact. So instead you wonder and fake interest, looking at the space as quickly as possible. In the end it was genuinely quite nice and well priced at $2,200/mo but not affordable for kids getting on their feet. We need a place with more "character." You know, broken stove, leaky toilet, no parking garage. Perhaps a crazy neighbor who screams a lot. Basically, the diamond in the rough.

A couple of things:

1. Last week it was so windy in LA...You respond, "How windy was it?!" Well studio audience it was SO windy that I was being pushed from the wind. At one point I tried to stand still as the wind blew my hair and clothes all over the place. I felt like Storm from XMen. Also I had to laugh as I tried to talk to lunch because a few times I had to lean over to avoid being knocked around. If I stuck around longer I'm sure I could have figured out a way to fly but I only have an hour.

2. I read that Universal Studios Florida is closing the Back to the Future ride. This is not ok on SO many levels. First of all, if you are a frequent reader you know what that movie means to me. Sure it gave me false hope at flying cars and flux cupassidors but it did give me hope. Now not only will there not be cars that fly by using garbage in real life but I can't enjoy imagining what it would be like to drive one while trying to escape being eaten by a T-Rex at an overpriced theme park. This is tragic. The only plus is that I now live in California and they aren't planning on closing that one anytime soon. If they do I'll at least think about getting an online petition before forgetting about it a week later. But we all know it's the thought that counts.

I have to say that one of the more ridiculous things ever made by man is the kid leash. I could just see a mom thinking, "You know, I really hate having to actually hold my child in order to keep an eye on them. There must be a way for me to do this and avoid actually touching them. After all the thing did spend 9 months in me, I need a break. Need my space, at least keep the thing a foot away. I'd like the option of leaving my kid tied to a parking meter while I run into Rite Aid."

Well guess what worse mom ever, the solution is here!

I was going to go into a rant about where you can purchase such a product but I honestly don't know. I feel like Babies R Us would be against it, maybe you could find it hidden away at a pet shop.

My Friday was spent at Disneyland. Mostly went to do the Star Tours ride where my nerd out level was dangerously high. Any ride that promotes the ice planet Hoth as a vacation get away is pretty much the best ride ever. Later on while in the Frontier section of the park I saw a lot of people walking around with giant turkey legs. I won't lie, I judged them. But then I passed the stand selling them and saw they were only 6 bucks - that's a steal! Those people were just making cost effective purchases, especially when you consider that one churro (totally delish) was 3 bucks.

We also took a fake amazon tour full of robotic animals almost splashing me on this boat. The tour guide was hilariously sarcastic and dry which pretty much made the ride. Towards the end this woman and I made eye contact. She held her gaze and then said to me, "You look just like that girl from Star Wars." Immediately I was like - Carrie Fisher? She goes, "From the newest ones...Padme." I replied, "Natalie Portman?" She goes, "Yes. Anyone told you that before? Doesn't she look like her." She then surveyed some people on the boat who agreed.

Now I won't deny that I'm pretty hot and I don't mind being compared to Natalie Portman, but I'm sorry but I disagree. I think it might be LA because I have been told I look like other people a lot more out here. They have no reference that people can just look like ordinary people, they must look like one of them celebrities that are everywhere. However I'm sure once the movie script about my life is written and green lit, that she'll be first on the list, that or as someone else told me, Kiera Knightly. Maybe if I did't eat for a year I'd look like Kiera.

Until then I'll continue to believe that I'm the spitting image of Estelle Getty.

Currently I can't get enough of Battlestar Galactica. It's not as dorky as you think. Here's how you know you are an official fan. Since the show airs on Sci-Fi and not HBO where you can curse they substitute the F bomb with the word "Frack." When you first start watching the show you are like, "umm, what did they say? Did they make up that word? Man that's nerdy." But after a few episodes you find yourself amused when they use it and will sometimes use it yourself. Welcome to the glory of being a Battlestar Galactica nerd.

However, I am going to run into a problem soon. You see I bought season one and burned through it. Then ran over to Best Buy and got all of season two. I'm almost done with that and season three isn't out yet. I might go into a coma. Or at least get the shakes when I haven't gotten my fix. And soon I'll have to wait a whole week til I get to see new episodes. This simply won't do. As such I will need someone to kidnap me. Then hold me hostage and say you'll kill me unless the producers from the show let me work there so I know what's going to be happening before it does and I get to watch all the new episodes right away. I might just kidnap myself. It's that or a coma. I figure I'll have to be in it for 4 or 5 years so when I get out all the seasons are available right away for my viewing pleasure. Until then, life simply isn't worth living....

Let's talk about the Cadbury Bunny for a moment.

You know its Easter time when a white rabbit bucks like a chicken on your TV set. Overall the chocolate bunny and hiding eggs really makes no sense whatsoever. I'd like to know who it was to come up with this idea. God must have been like, "Are you kidding?!"

It would make more sense if all the candy we ate somehow was digested without adding any pounds onto us. A true Easter miracle! Someone should really pitch that to Jesus. I mean it's not really fair when candy companies take seemingly healthy food items and make them ridiculous bad for you. I will list a few examples:

1. The Cadbury egg. Eggs are usually not too bad for you but they were all, "what if we wrapped it in chocolate and then filled the inside with sugar that looks like yoke!" And if that's not bad enough Reese's goes and does TWO versions of the egg. One has a hard sugar shell with peanut butter on the inside. The other is a bigger version of the Reese's peanut butter cup just shaped as an egg. You need some serious will power to avoid having either.

2. Jelly Beans. Let's get rid of all that gross protein and substitute it with a sugar version of a pina colada. Delish! On a side note I'd like to say that I find the popcorn flavored beans a bit disturbing to eat.

3. Peeps. Yeah, take that chicken! I would only like genetically altered hormones in my chicken, thank you very much.

I would like to address the wonder that is the school picture. Yes, that time of the year when you do yourself up aReal nice and wear the shirt your mom picked out. Then you smile like a tool and hope you don't look stupid because that picture is going out to all the relatives to post on the wall.

I really love that even though I never really cared about the picture I was always excited to choose the background. All I really remember were two options that are vastly different. One was the fake library full of non descript books, the other was a grey background with criss crossing pink and blue lazers. Of course when I was young all I wanted was the lazers because, I mean cmon, how bad ass is that? But you could tell who ever made it was at the peak of their Tron phase. This background was, and I feel pretty confident assuming this, made in the 80s. I say this mostly because 80s ideas of the future are only cool in the 80s. But now that I am in the future, lazers look pretty dumb.

Personally I think it would be pretty sweet if school pictures could get photoshoped after the fact. Not in a vain way where everyone's skin would be flawless. I am thinking more along the lines of like an iPod commercial. Make the background really colorful and then the person be solid black....

with an ipod shuffle around my neck, very academic of course.

I was around a toy store recently and it made me think of the Super Toy Run Nickelodeon used to do. I think it was once every few months some kid would get picked to run through a Toys R Us for about 5 mins and whatever they could fit into the cart they got to keep.

I used to have that whole store planned out in my head in case I ever won. Which I didn't, probably because I didn't really enter the raffle. But my stategy was to go down some key isles with my arm out so I would just knock stuff in as I went by. Which isles? Well: gameboy games, nerf weapons, bike, legos, and of course to mini jeep powerwheels.

If you want to hear the saddest story ever, one christmas I was probably about 5 and had my heart set of getting a powerwheels truck from Santa. When I didn't get it I told my parents, "I guess I wasn't good enough this year."

Ouch, take that! I'm sure I have an equal guilt trip coming my way if/when I have kids. But maybe I'll keep a leg up on them and just won't ever have any. That way I can spend all my money on me and have several powerwheels. I'll be like the poor man's Jay Leno with my "collection" of cars. And maybe I could get Al Gore to endorse me if I start driving it to work.

That reminds me. This weekend I had a dream that I went to a Ford dealership to tune up my car or something and it turns out I won a free car. I wanted an electric one but they didn't have much except like golf carts. So I was wondering around this dealership feeling really unsatisfied and then wondering if it was a con. Even when I woke up afterward I was skeptical and started thinking, "did I even read the fine print on that deal?"

I wonder if any guys have ever tried to wax off their facial hair. I totally would if it meant I didn't have to shave my bread everyday. Though I'm sure it would leave your face a tad bit red afterwards, but that might look kind of cool. And maybe if you meet up with some friends right afterwards you would get a cool nickname like Blood Beard.

That is, of course, assuming that all your friends are pirates.

I recently watched Who Killed the Electric Car? And it once again made me want to get into doc work again, sticking it to the man and getting out the word. Be a part of something that motivates people to do something about an important issue...until the new Ugly Betty comes on and then they forget all about them world troubles.

But it's got me to thinking, obviously this gas thing is becoming a problem. Um, 3.20 a gallon, is this a big inside joke? Will there be coupons? Oh, and it's only going to get worse? Great. Wait, the exhaust can give me asthma? Where does the fun end?!

So that made me think what else can we try to use to replace oil? There's the obvious choice of air but that's too easy. Then maybe something fun like candy, but let's me honest we'd rather eat that. Garbage is too gross to go digging though, I ain't no homeless man! Perhaps soup, there's usually plenty of sodium in there. Or how about rocks? You can't really run out of those. But I think the best thing that's a renewable source is love. Awww shucks!

It's renewable until something better catches out eye....

oh snap, I went there.

Well I say screw it. If we're going to have to pay top dollar for this oil junk then there better be diamonds in it. That at least justifies it. But when you pull into the Thrify Gas station (and yes that is the name) and it's just as much as Chevron you are like, oh man this is bad.

The best solution is to just not pay for the gas and WILL my car to work without it.

You know that you are starting to really settle into a new place when you start being able to spot the "regulars." Over at work in the ol' Beverly Hills area there are many things that were new to me. All the Mercedez, Jaguars, even BMWs - aka Fancy Pants cars. Additionally seeing palm trees every where is still really cool to me.

But while on my walks during lunch I have run into an interesting person time and time again. I don't talk to her, but I see her about once a week. This woman is short and thin with shoulder length unkept/frizzy hair. Her clothes indicate to me that she's not homeless, but is a bit behind the times as she often rocks out in stirrup pants and white ked shoes.

However the thing that makes her stand out is the fact that every 10-20 feet she starts to jog. She jogs for about 30 seconds, then stops. Walks some more. Then jogs again. It's very bizarre. At first I thought well this is just a woman in a hurry but EVERY TIME I see her that's what she does.

One day I'd like to just trail her and see where she's going. Is she on a break from work? Is she casually running away from home? Is this a new exercise craze I am unaware of? Perhaps I should call a local news station to solve this mystery.

I think movie reviews would be more interesting if they started saying more things like:

The New York Times calls Zodiac, "Pretty good."

"That girl for that TV show does a decent job."

"It's better to catch a matinee because it's not really worth the full price."

"Wait til it comes out on DVD."

I wonder how crickets feel about being the universally recognized sound for awkward pauses after unsuccessful jokes and/or the soundtrack of boredom. Not sure how that came to be. If you notice it is always placed in movies/tv shows when people are INSIDE. For instance, awkward dinner date - crickets. That's not the proper background sound! What made someone think that the lovely sound of crickets would make sense to put there. Another example, someone home alone INSIDE the house - crickets. WHAT?!

I'd be outraged as a cricket. My music, my life songs, being used so illogically, slandering my good insect name. I am more than a creature that fills the summer air with song. I should be used for a romantic moment. I don't belong indoors. I don't want to be your plucky comic relief. I demand to be taken seriously! Crickets unite! We must form a union so The Man can no longer take advantage of us! Yes our exoskeleton may be easily crushed by the weight of his foot but we can hide in small spaces and drive him mad with our music. Let's see how funny we are after a week of restless sleep.

So it took me a few more days but here's my follow up about Paper Boy for GameBoy. OK, first of all I'm not sure how and why someone thought this was going to be awesome. I think it got through because before that there was only really tetris. Second of all, you didn't really get points for delivering the actual papers. I remember just letting tons of papers fly as I passed a house so I could break as much stuff as possible - mostly windows. Third, I LOVED how as the days went on it got harder to deliver the papers aka mess up the neighborhood. I guess neighborhood watch was onto me. Monday a dog might chase me a bit and I'd have to watch out for that skateboarder on the sidewalk. Tuesday a car passes by and some old lady chases me with her bag. Wednesday suddenly gets very odd when a small self contained tornado hits. Thursday was usually around the time that Death himself would show up with his crazy curved sword. Yeah that's right, an old lady with a bag and Death are in the same neighborhood as the skateboard kid. WHAT!?

Then I remember at the end of the week, if you made it (thank you Game Genie), you got to an obstacle course made just for paper boys/girls. There was a main trail with some hills and off to the side were these big hoops you try to get the papers through. This would make sense as perhaps a beginning course but no its at the end, after I have already proved my skills at breaking many windows - which requires little to no skill level since all you really have to do is hit the B button tons of times.

After that point I honestly don't remember what happens. Maybe I win a prize? Get my face on the cover of the newspaper, which if that does indeed happen, man it must be Mayberry. Here's the scoop from Main Street USA!

You know what game I do remember being surprisingly impossible? The Little Mermaid. I actually got it as a gift and thought, oh man this will be so easy. Yeah I don't think I ever made it past the third level. It's hard making your way around as a hot half lady half fish.
draft

I'm sure you are all familiar with the technological wonder that is nintendo. Forget about the Wii, I'm talking oldschool here. Nintendo Mario was where it's at. Here's the thing, I used to play the first few level but when it came to the evil castle I couldn't handle it. The music, the gray cell walls, the fire balls. That's when I passed the burden on to my dad. He was quiet a trooper. Beating the hardest levels without ever going through those mushroom guys. Speaking of, what a pitful existence. Walking mushroom man, no defenses, easily flattened.

But I digress. What I really wanted to talk about was that "secret" passage that everyone knew about. You know the one. In the dungeon level, stay on the elevating iron board, jump over and there are pipes that take you to the world of your chosing. Honestly I feel bad for whoever made those worlds because no one ever played them. Sometimes you'd be like oh let me check out the water world just for kicks. But otherwise you went right to to hardest level to beat the game. But this was pretty ridiculous because jumping from world 2 to world 6...uh, the bad guys are a bit more advanced. Who is that guy in the cloud and how does he fit all those spikey guys in there? But more disturbing, why won't he leave me alone?

Thus ends todays video game rant. Tomorrow I shall tackle the ridiculouness that is Paper Boy for Game Boy.

Class dismissed.

While watching Wheel of Fortune, two things occurred to me.

1. If I was on that show and won big I would make sure I had the show taped and watched it again and again in order to boost my self esteem when I was feeling down. Every so often I would most likely burst out - I WAS ON THE WHEEL!

2. One of the puzzles was before and after: Oprah's Book Club Sandwich
You know you are a big deal when you get a puzzle on the wheel o fortune. She don't need no awards!

Also I'm not sure what the weight list is to be a contestant but I'm sure it's really frustrating if you spent like a month studying up on useless knowledge and watching reruns and then get out done by some soccer mom who never lands on Bankrupt and wins all the prizes you dream about. So close and yet so far.

There should be more beauty products out there for men. Yes I'm sure you can say, but men don't really care about their hair or skin. And I say, well I watched a bunch of Queer Eye in my day and I think the boys would have something to say about that. It's about time that all men, not just the gay ones, get to see commercials telling them to watch out for the age spots.

If I was a guy I'd feel left out of not being pressured into being more self conscious. I mean sure its nice to know that if I'm overweight but have a good sense of humor, more than likely I can get a hot sitcom wife...but I'd wish some of those Kristy Ally-Jenny Craig commercials were telling me that I could still enjoy my chocolate mousse and look good. I'd want to know what if felt like to have an eating disorder. Ho-Hum, what are you to do?

Well maybe you can just feel overwhelmed by those adorable leads on the CW shows.

You know who I'm getting really tired of? That automated voice woman from cell phone voicemails. You know what lady, phones have been around long enough that I know how to use it and how to leave a message. I am not crippled by the sound of a beep so badly that I have no idea what to do. Guess what? No one really leaves their name or number, they mostly go for the brief message since the person they are calling probably has the number stored in the phone. It's a little something called "contacts." Look it up! Also there have been many a time that I have left long semi incoherent ramblings on voicemails so please do excuse me if I don't heed your advice. For a robot, you are pretty dumb.

OMG! Have you guys heard? Obama's friend Gaffen totally dissed Hilary. He was all like, "she's a crazy ho, I hate her."

and then Hilary was like, "oh no you didn't. Obama you bes not take his monies or I will bitch slap you."

Obama goes all, "You trippin', he' ain't really ma friend. Shoot."

Gaffen heard him and is like, "I'm rich bitch!"

Then Hilary was all, "Bring it!"

Obama tried to be diplomatic but then was like, "I'm not afraid of no white ho!"

And an intense threeway slap fight began. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me or you'd see that ish on youtube in a heartbeat. Probs even CNN is they pay up. But it happened. Scouts honor.

It's official Britney Spear has lost her DAMN mind. How many sane women do you know who have shaved heads? Think for a minute. And no, you don't know Natalie Portman so that doesn't count. Plus she did that for a movie.

Then she, Britney, went and got a tattoo. Sealing the deal as a biker lesbian.

Now I don't know if you were forced to read that short story in high school english about the young guy who gets peer pressured into getting a tattoo. He doesn't even look, just picks out a random one. Just so happens to be a blue bird. Very manly. And he winds up regretting it. Shock, surprise.

Although I'm not planning on getting a tattoo, if I did I'd make sure it was something that I liked. But see, I'm very fickle. Also I wouldn't want there to be a chance of being judged so out goes my mural of The X Files and Star Wars. But I do like sugar cookies. Perhaps I could rock a sugar cookie. Thems delish!

Either way I wouldn't think to put lips on my wrist as one bald/crazy Spears did. Unless the lips were eating a sugar cookie. Then I MIGHT consider it.

For all who don't know you can get a video dose of me if you go to Google and search for California Update under the video tab.

Rinse and Repeat.

Also search Bootleg Series for an amusing take on Jaw, Titanic, and Star Wars.

I get why we have dead presidents on our money to pay tribute and all, but I think we can make it better. I feel one person can trump all the Jacksons and dare I say – Benjamins. Ever heard of some guy named GOD?

That’s right I’m proposing we put God money into circulation. God money would force people to be financially responsible and frown upon using it for socially immoral investments. It would be a bit harder to buy those drugs and that hooker if you had to hand over god money. God would be all looking and you and waging his finger. Think about the impact it could have on mob activity.

It could benefit the common folk as well. People would really think before splurging. Do I really need that plasma tv? I dunno that’s a whole lot of God, even with the down payment of the holy ghost and mother mary.

Also what if we start making some Jesus pennies? I don’t think we’d continue to debate whether or not we should get rid of them.

It’s a goal of mine to get famous enough that when I die there can be a really cheesy montage set to light piano keys. This montage will hopefully be full of clips from past movies or tv appearances I have done featuring:

Turning around and being surprised by an old friend who makes me smile
Trying to explain myself out of a sticky situation
As a cop
Getting hit in the face with a pie
As a doctor
Making an “I Don’t Think So” face
As a lawyer
Gazing off solemnly into the distance
Tearfully embracing a man
Waving goodbye in slow motion
And of course saying that famous line of mine in that super hit movie:
“Well, I guess I’ll see you around…” as I slide on some sunglasses
Hopefully after that place it will cross dissolve into me walking away alone into the distance. That or I continue to wave out the window of an old train as it pulls out of the station.

Naturally afterwards there is an honorary award named after me. The Colleen Evanson Tot Aws award. That has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

Despite the 80s I feel pretty confident in stating that in the world of today the only acceptable time one would be allowed to sport a wind suit is if one's occupation was an elementary school gym teacher. You know the type. Neon bright combinations of pink, yellow, and silver/grey placed strategically along the fabric to create ever so flattering zig zag lines. Naturally the jacket matches the swishy pants. Finish it off with a pair of white keds and the whistle necklace.

I don't know about you but our teacher would write our names on the chalkboard and if we were lucky enough to accurately execute the art of dodgeball - you'd get a star. A gold star? Oh no, much better than that. A chalk star. That's right. I got a few in my day.

But I digress. I wonder where exactly you can find a track/wind suit now a days except a thrift store. Is there a special cateloge or store? Perhaps something along the lines of doctor clothes. A place you are free to shop without people thinking you are MC Hammer.

I'm sure that's really what Dr. Martin Luther King was talking about when he said, "I have a dream..." You probably think it had something to do with equal rights for black people but he was really talking about wind pants. That's a little known fact, Jack. You've just been brainwashed by "school." PSSSHT What a joke. All you really need is The Learning Channel and an active imagination and/or ADHD.

So in a few hours I will turn 23. I'm not one for making a big deal out of the ol' birthday. I mostly go around feeling relatively awkward all day. When people say happy birthday, it's not that I'm not thankful they are thinking of me but I just don't really know what the proper response is supposed to be. Wanting to be polite I have to stiffle the impulse to say, "thanks, you too!" And they all look at you, unlike a holiday like Christmas where you all get gifts. I could have been PC just then and said "holiday" but you know what, I'm not jewish, so there's pretty much no other holidays.

Gifts are even worse. Do I open it now? Wait til later? Oh you want me to read the card first. OK. To be honest, half the time I skim over it so fast because after all - I want to get to the actual thing. Because of that I mostly play off of what they think my reaction should be to the card.

Example: If it has a witty phrase in it, they look at you with a laugh and chuckle. Logically I follow along.

It's not too hard.

Then the gifts. If it's not money or a gift card or a DVD it's always a toss up. Will I have to pretend I like it? I hate being dishonest but it's one of those things. We tell our kids to be honest but white lies don't hurt. After all the 300lb man knows he's fat, we don't need to tell him that. So stop pointing little Johnny, that's rude.

Just once I would really appreciate it if the models used in those anti-aging commercials were over 30 years old. Better yet, why don't they just hire teenagers or how about some babies. That way women will still have an interest in seeing the ad since we all know women just love them babies. They'll get sucked in to their cute, lineless faces running around in diapers. You think it's a Huggies promo but WHAM the kids start talking. They can gurgle or what have you and we can just put in subtitles. Or maybe we can see if a throw back to "Look Who's Talking" that way it's a triple threat of a commercial.

Adorable babies + anti-aging + reference to an 80s cinematic classic = ski high sales

Get that ish on you tube and it's over. I'm tell you I need to start my own ad company. I'm walking around here with a gold mine of a brain people!

I was watching a promo for the new reality show called Top Design on Bravo. And yes, I'm sorry but it was while watching Top Chef - hey I got to watch something on Bravo while I wait for Project Runway to return.

Anyways this one designer who is going to be a main judge was making a comment about one of the contestants. He said, "he was like the mayor of excusesville"

Two things came to mind:

1. What if there really is a mayor of excusesville. He's been trying to change the way people see the town, boost tourism, but then WHAM a cable network goes and ruins his campaign. He must be heart broken.

2. I feel for the citizens in excusesville. I'm sure they try their hardest but things just never get done and they have their reasons why. Unfortunately their education system is going down the drain because there are just so many reason's not to show up to meetings about it - um, hello have you seen Heroes? And I can't make it tuesday because I have a date with Olivia Benson. No doubt the economy is in shambles as well. No one shows up to work - not all of us have the best immune systems or can stifle the need to ditch and see a movie, after all how many chances will you get to see Ghost Rider? Not many would be the answer.

So please people, try not to just toss out the hopes and dreams of excusesville. And don't underestimate the beauty of the trees out there come fall. Just don't expect anyone to rake their lawns, because the doctors said they shouldn't do anything to agitate their backs. You know, hernia and all....

It occured to me earlier when a new birth control commercial was on TV to ask anyone in pharmaceuticals:

Is there any birth control available that can prevent immaculate conceptions?

I think it's unfair that adults don't get to play in ball pits at any fast food establishments such as McDonalds or Chuck E Cheese. Why is all the fun reserved for children who clearly don't appreciate it? Instead of enjoying just drifting around in the lagoon of plastic balls they have to throw them at one another or try to put them in their mouths. Kids just don't deserve to play around all day. Sure there are laws against putting kids to work but I mean hey, what good is it doing us? We need reality TV shows to teach us how to raise our spoiled kids - and we get schooled by British nannies! Besides, people break the law all the time. How many of you have turned right on red even though the sign told you not to? The trick is to not get caught.

Just follow my logic here for a sec. If we put our kids to work it will teach them responsibility. If they are responsible they treat the ball pits as a privilege. Also, with kids working they can buy their own damn toys and maybe come xmas time they'll actually buy something for us adults for a change.

If this doesn't work then I propose that there be a fine establishment that is willing to install a ball pit strictly for it's paying customers. Also I feel like there should be a giant inflatable castle of sorts. That way you can burn away your meal after the fact. Jump away that morbid obesity. Get america to not realize they are exercising. It's that or genetically engineered food that tastes delish but has no calories. That way we can all have our dreams come true and become Nicole Richie, minus the whole driving on the wrong side of the freeway business of course.

In general I personally really don't like it when 9 year olds are more successful than I am. I'm talking about Dakota Fanning here. Is it luck? Talent? I can be adorable. I can pretend to be Tom Cruise's daughter in a blockbuster film. Could I have become a child star if I simply grew up in LA and had a fame crazy mom?

If this happened I wouldn't be the person I am, but maybe close enough and millions of dollars richer. What I do know is that in comparison I feel confident in saying I got some wisdom over Dakota. Also what kind of name is Dakota? Nobody lives in North or South Dakota and it's boring there - I know because I never went. I feel even more confident that I could kick her ass. She's probably like 60lbs soaking wet. Pretty much all I need to do is blow pretty hard in her direction and she's on the ground. Stupid kids, they go down so easy and the best part is, they don't properly know how to fight back. Adults win!

Anyways, that girl is spreading herself too thin, she's not far from pulling a Lindsey Lohan aka Drinky McRehab. I'll just have to wait for the eventual crash and burn before I can truely feel closure. She might be richer than I am and half my age but I'm driving a relatively eco friendly car. So take that...whore!

ok good talk. I feel positive about it.

I feel that there should be some kind of law in place that bans the reselling of underwear. Thrift stores, listen up. I love you and your unwanted DARE shirts, your in mint condish member's only jackets, and of course the festive vacation shirts from Florida. However, I question why you would resell old underwear. You can bleach them all you want, but I know there were skid marks on them at some point and I'm not ok with that.

Once again my thoughts prove to me that I should probably be the Master of the Universe if such a position should open. At the very least I should be President. Now this new proposal I have would save many lives and make the world safer. And no, it doesn't involve any terrorists. How is that possible? Well it's called a car.

Yeah that thing you drive, that most people drive even if they aren't really qualified to do so - old people I'm talking to you. Well I was thinking while in the car the other day that so many people speed and I'm sure cops really hate having to pull highway patrol duty or that the highway patrol squad is kind of a joke. I mean sure it's fun to chase people who are crazy dodging in between cars. However for some it's kind of a hassle.

As such I dare to ask...Why exactly do we have cars that go 120MPH? Have you ever gone that fast? Ever been in a situation that you needed to be going that fast? And no trying to make it to a movie on time doesn't count, nor does fleeing the police. Now honestly, can't we get rid of the whole problem of speeding by not allowing cars to go over 90MPH? Make those roads safer and keep the wallets bigger for those who continue to get speeding tickets.

Yeah I'm sure people will jack up their cars so they can speed, or that by allowing cop cars to go faster people might feel like cops would abuse their power. But I mean c'mon, they're going to abuse it anyway. Let the fuzz have their fun.

In response to the President's speech about the new changes in Iraq, I decided there was a very short comment I wanted to make. This quick point comes from my of course young-minded-hippy-loving-leftist-agenda self who supports all them gays. That being said.

It blows my mind number one that the length of this war has surpassed that of WWII. That being said, it's been about 4 years and of all the things the President has done you would think he would be able to pronounce the damn country's name properly. I-rack this I-rack that. You want to give them freedom, start by pronouncing it properly. I-rock.

Perhaps a little catch phrase word association would work. Something like: "I Rock with my plan in Iraq." That of course would be a dirty lie. HEY-O! Score ONE for me!

Either that or go with the clever Arrested Development Bluthe Company phrase: "Stronger than a rock!"

And I just couldn't help but add this quote from the show...
Michael to GOB: Yeah I dunno how using the phrase, 'Stronger than a rock" will help people forget we built houses in Iraq.

He was on FOX and he pronounced it right, so I don't see what the problem is.

After watching several incredible Meryl Streep performances I have decided to draft her a letter.

Dear Meryl,

First off I wanted to start by saying I know you are married. Let's just get that out in the open. Also I know same sex marriages are controversial so if you did decide to leave your husband we could only really get a civil union in Mass. However, I'm not really interested in that either.

You see after watching your performance in Sofie's Choice I could no longer hold back my love. No it's not really a love for you as a person - to be honest I don't even know your birthday. But what I do love is your talent. Now I figure you probs like to seperate your work from your family. As such I was wondering if you would be willing to have a professionally based affair with me. You could tell your family you are preparing for a role or whatevs. I know you def have more money than me but I'll treat you right - you know, always unlock the door for you in the car.

Now don't flatter yourself. Yes you are attractive but let's be serious, you are also getting older. Not that you don't look great but I think it would be pretty ridiculous for me, an astounding good looking young 20-something to have an affair with you, possibily the greatest living actress. I mean c'mon that's just crazy talk.

Though I must make this clear, it's not really the whole you I'm interested in courting. It's that little thing you have that makes me swoon...your talent. So only like 50% of you or so has to have this affair. And I'm not going to pressure you to do anything you don't want to do. I'm down for just talking or holding hands, maybe some spooning. Who knows? Just let it happen. That's how I roll.

So if you are interested in having a strictly talent based love/intense friendship affair with me, please by all means hit me up on my cell. Since I haven't really told you much about myself I'll let you do the work by checking out my facebook and/or myspace page.

Ok I have to go because the latest Miami Ink is on.

Heterosexually yours,
Colleen

PS - If you don't respond I will take that as a yes and I'll swing by to pick you up. Take you to brunch a Ihop.

It's been awhile but I have decided to return. The new year is full of resolutions that will likely fade in the coming months but I am finding the strength to write again on a regular basis. I was posting articles over at www.publichouseentertainment.com but I'm not sure what's going on right now. As such I'mmo do this my way. So here is the latest article I did write for the holiday season a few weeks ago.

I think it's still timely. But if you don't think so you can just jump into your time machine. Oh, what's that? You don't have one. Hmm...aint that a shame.


Even though there are plenty of advertisements telling me it’s Christmas time – oh sorry I mean “Holiday Time”- I’m still not buying. Perhaps it’s the West Coast’s lack of winter weather, which I don’t really mind. But not having to scrape frozen rain off the front of my car in the morning as I curse under my breath did seem to add to the holiday season. I almost miss freezing my ass off….almost.

I’m pretty sure most people are aware that the whole month of December has becoming increasingly commercialized over the years. I’m not about to go on a rant, that has been happening year after year. People go on about the movie specials or long lines at stores or lack of charity. Whatever, life is rough. You don’t have a house and I don’t have Playstation 3. Though I must say if I were homeless I’d make sure to milk the holiday spirit for all it’s worth and save up my earnings to last me the year. Wrap up that turkey leg and save it for later. Thank you soup kitchen!

But I digress, my real issue this coming season has to do with a certain decoration I keep spotting. Now I must start by saying I’m all for Christmas lights. In fact I will most likely be that one asshole on the block who leaves them up all year long. Not only because I’m too lazy to take them down but I simply like the addition. Call me simple but I think lights are pretty. It just looks cooler to be driving around at night and see things lit up. It also would help after I’ve had a few beers. If your house is lit up I’m less likely to hit it.

Though I’m sure they don’t stay up because the sheer joy of only seeing these up for a month makes it all the more special. If this were true maybe recently married couples, especially the celebrity ones, should only see each other once a year. Then perhaps it would last longer. Just saying.

Ok now back to the real issue. The decoration that is taking over. The giant inflatable snow globe. As if the smaller ones weren’t getting enough play we have to blow it up.

Now as annoyed as I want to be over this invention I have to congratulate the inventor. Yes it is completely unnecessary but finally the snow globe is making a come back. First of all you don’t have to shake it, it’ll blow the snow around over and over. Second of all it it’s more to scale. For too long I wasn’t able to really identify with the mini people and their snow covered village. There were just too damn small. I’d strain to figure out if the mini person was wearing a scarf or the paint job was bad. But now I can clearly make out any scene.

In fact I think the only way to improve such an item would be allowing me to go inside. Now I can help the school children finish making that snowman or I can just freak the hell out of my neighbors by waving at them for hours and hours. I’d only really have to worry about choking on the fake snow flying all around. But think about it – you could custom make your snow globe. Dress up like Darth Vadar and swing that 100 dollar lightsaber around. You know the one that’s always in Spencer’s Gifts. Hell you could have a whole lightsaber flight to save baby Jesus! That would really jazz up the holiday spirit and start a dialogue between people. Though it would probably be about how you lost your mind.

Finally we can go back to feeling there are true Christmas miracles happening in our towns. Ones loosely based off of a George Lucas franchise.

please refer to askcol.blogspot.com for a frequently updated site but do stop by Kickin it to see if I found other stuff to write about

the end

Quick story:

I was in a public bathroom recently after watching a play so it was full of "the ladies." I just had to pee and as I situated myself in the stall I heard one of the most glorious things ever. I mean let's face it, people fart and often times you will fart in the bathroom. The toilet bowl is a pretty resonate device and so when this woman near me started to fart, she decided to try and cover it up with coughing.

I instantly started to smile because people always will joke around about that but its rare that you witness this feable attempt to cover up ones farts.

oh and PS - it doesn't really work.

Sorry for lack of writing. My entire life revolves around looking at a mac computer screen. Editing is stealing my life. This week is hell week so afterwards I hope to write more.

It may also be of some interest to know I hit black ice yesterday and my car slammed into a curb at a whopping 10-15mph, creating an explosion which I barely escaped from as the mushroom cloud settled and I wiped my brow. Ok so that didn't really happen but now my stearing wheel shakes when I drive! Yay!

Here's to safe driving!

It's almost time to officially celebrate the beginning of the destruction of native american culture! Thanks pilgrams!

Forever 1/64th Cherokee Indian,
Colleen

Second Grade Journal entry:

If I could do anything I wanted I would...

I would never go to school agen. Becuse we have lunch to late!

Can we talk about my use of choices here for a second? First of all the question was ANYTHING I wanted. Out off all the amazing possibilities like flying, going to six flags with no one there, become a jedi, eat candy all day, etc. I chose something school related. Now of all the complaints about school I could have went with something like the workload, the bullies, the peer pressure, getting up early, mean teachers, having to run a mile in gym class...
No I can deal with all of that but having lunch past 12 o'clock is just inhumane.

Perhaps I wrote this knowing the teacher would check it and hoped that maybe this petition would call some attention to the hard hitting issues of elementary school. ACT NOW!

Second Grade Journal entry: June 5, 1992

This summer would be terrible if...

The beach got blowen away. Then I could not go swimming at the beach. I could not find any shells or big rocks to climb. I could not go to the creek. I could not go fishing or have a bonfrie. I could not have any fun at the beach because it got blowen away. And I could not make a sandcastle. I would not have any fun at the beach. And that would be terrible!

I really like the fact that I went for something that was so dramatic. Not anything like, "oh what if I lose my bike" or "I missed reruns of saturday morning cartoons." I didn't even go for anything feasible like we didn't get to go to the beach. No, in my mind I annihilated the beach all together. No more beach. I'm not really sure what took it's place but I can tell you it's terrible! No sandcastles?! Might as well just cancle christmas while we're at it.

Just a general PS:

I have been going over some of my old posts and I have to say that I am pretty damn funny. To some people this may seem like I'm tooting my own horn and you would be right. I am awesome. I am aware of this. Let's not deny it. That will get us no where.
I mean after all, here you are reading what I have to say. Suck on that for awhile before you judge because you should know when you point the finger of blame at someone there are three fingers pointed right at you.

oh man, so deep...

Second Grade Journal entry: 11/11/92

List 3 favorite combination foods. Write their food groups.

1. Pizza
2. Tockes
3. chile

I like how I didn't do the second part of this assignment, perhaps I was banking on my teacher being so impressed by my consumption of a latin american nation that she would just forget about the food group. Also, I have no idea what Tockes is supposed to be. My best guess is tacos.

Second Grade Journal entry: January 28, 1992

One day I might...

Go to afrika And find a tresher in the a deep hole. And keep it to my self. But I would ride a tiger home but my mom would skreem.

I would like to let everyone know that is still on my "To Do" list.

Second Grade Journal entry:

If I were a giant...

I would crash the schools and I would eat dragins lifer. And my name would be school crasher.

Isn't it great that the first thing I would do as a giant would be to destroy the educational system. I dunno why dragons seem to be involved, perhaps because it too is a mystical creature. But I have to say that my name would be pretty appropriate.

Second Grade Journal entry: 12/11/91

Write about something special you and your family do together at Christmas time.

1. We put up the Christmas tree.
2. We help each other.
3. We do stuff.
4. We rape presents.

(there is a colored picture of Santa's head nearby exclaiming "Ho! Ho!")

I don't know how my teacher dealt with this one. But I'm pretty sure I would have called social services at that point, unless I was from a pirate family or something where raping and pilaging is common.

Second Grade Journal entry:

I'll never forget the time...

When I went into space. And when I went to the moon and found tresher on it. I went to pluto it was cold there. I saw aleens there to. And when I went back to earth I told my story.

(this page is full of black stars, planets, and a sun - then on the next page)

I can go back to space. And I can go back to space and tell some more stores.

The End

You know what sucks about that trip, the pictures I took were never properly developed. Appearantly the film was all overexposed, probably from using direct sunlight. What a shame, because now with no evidence it's almost like it never happened.

Taking a break from the second grade I'd like to share a thought I had over Fall Break:

There had to be a time when Hitler thought, "Yeah, I'm def going to hell."

Second Grade Journal entry:

The title of the page is Verbs. It seems it was our job to write a long list of them. Here are my first six.

exercise
dance
run
jog
move
kill

I'm sure other people used kill too. It's a healthy choice.

Second Grade Journal entry:

(there is no title)

Dear Uncle Robert

I am going to miss you very much. My family is fine. How are you? My brother Anthony is growing up. My mama and papa are fine to. My whole family is fine. I can not wait to go to the farm.

Love Wendell
P.S. Write Back

My first reaction is, "what?!" Not because it appears randomly on a page but because I don't have an Uncle Robert. I do have a brother, but his name isn't Anthony. Also, I never called my parents mama/papa, nor have I ever really wanted to go to this farm. Probably most important, Wendell is not my name.

I'm hoping this was for a book assignment when you write as a character. If not, then I probably went insane.

Second Grade Journal entry:

Why was corn so important to the Pilgrams? Explain.

1. So the Pilgrams cod eat something.
2. So they cod not diy.
3. That was the only thing they cod eat.

Good thing I cod spell.

Second Grade Journal entry:

There is no title but the whole page is taken up with a glorious story

Some fishermen were keching fish in there bouts. One fishermen cuat a big fish. The fish was about three feet long. When he got home. Insted of his family eating the fish. The fishermen's dog grabed the fish out of the fishermen's hand and eta the fish for dinner. The next day the fishermen couldn't find his fishing pole. His little boy Anthony had the fishing pole. His twin girls toled there dad that Anthony had the fishing pole. And him and his dog and twin girls lived happily ever after.

First of all half the sentences should be commas. Second, the story lacks an actual story. Clearly there is a "fishermen" because I write that about 40 times, but who is he, what is his motivation to fish, especially if his dog steals their food. Does he like the dog? Why does he keep him about. Who is Anthony deep down? Why did he steal the pole?
Perhaps my biggest question, where did these twin girls come from?

Second Grade Journal entry:

Discribe the perfect school and why.

Cuyga school. beusons we leun alot, and have fun! And be smart.

Little background info: Cayuga elementary school is where I "be smart" when I was little. I'm sure the teacher was proud to see I spelled learn wrong. It implies oh so much...

Second Grade Journal entry:

What was the happiest day in your life? Explain.

My new bed room set. bcese it saw brity.

I feel this is an amazing couple of sentences for a few reasons. 1) I am so superficial about probably one of the lamest things you can get. 2) I butchered because. 3) I wrote "was" backwards to say "saw" - Hello dyslexic how are you? 4)Brity....you know as in "I feel brity, oh so brity."

Second Grade Journal entry:

The thing I dislike most about school is...

Work because it take's to long to get done. Sometime's I get stack on seat work. PhoNics I get stack on a lot.

Hmmm...I can't imagine why.

Second Grade Journal entry:

I'd like to visit the planet __________.

I'd like to visit the planet mrkles. Because I want to get a tan. I would bring a fan. I would bring food with me too.

Yeah, that's right I made up my own planet name. And I have to say I'm pretty practical about my visit.

Second Grade Journal Entry:

9/19/91

List 5 of your favorate foods.

1. makarone and chess
2. fish stiks
3. chikien
4. corna
5. mash dtados

I managed to spell everything wrong. That's amazing. Also the directions/topic sentence was written on the board and I still spelled favorite wrong. The best part is, I have a check mark on my page, the teacher didn't bother to fix this. God bless our education system. Also, how hilarious is number 5?

Second Grade Journal entry:

not dated

Today I feel...

Today I feel Happy because me and Nicole dresses the same. Nicole had two of the same shites. She is wearing black pants and so am I.

Hey everyone look at those little girls, they are wearing shit for clothes AND matching black pants! I'm not sure but it seems one of them is pretty happy about it.

Second Grade Journal entry:

11/14/91

Write what you would do differently if you were the teacher.

1. I would have no home wrok.
2. And three days off.

Yep I got my priorities in check. I didn't even have the decency to spell homework right.

Second Grade Joural entry:

Make a list of things that cannot be bought that you are thankful for.

1. You can't bay air.
2. You can't bay children.
3. You can't bay haer.

Ok, first of all, it's BUY. Next, yes air can't be bought though it is important. Children? What about your family?! You don't have kids you are just a kid! Last, sorry but you can buy hair.

Second Grade Journal entry

June 2, 1992

I wish I could fly this summer. I wish I could fly this summer because I could see what it looks like high up. And because I could fly into space and see how big the stars are. I could frighten bad people away. I could go under water to get a fish. I could be friends with the birds. I could fly to the store or to my friends house. I could be a kite if someone did not have one. I could play on top of the clouds. And I could give little kids rides.

I am just all over the place with my flight. I love how I completely disregard the fact that there is no oxygen in space and how flying underwater can already be accomplished with the use of flippers. Have you ever swam with flippers? It's amazing. You believe that you are the fastest swimmer ever and it is really disappointing how slow you go when you take them off.

Second Grade Journal entry:

I think March is a windy month because:

Sometimes I have to wear my hevy jacket. You can fly your kite in March. A lot of kids wear pants.

I'm pretty sure most of the things said about March are accurate to this day. Especially the pants stuff.

Second Grade Journal entry May 1, 1992:

The best thing about my mom is....

She Love's me, and she is nice when I get hert. When my brother bites me. When I get a skratch. And when I give her something.

(then written randomly at the bottom of the page)

Is eneyone in?

Ok there is a lot going on here. First of all most of those "sentences" suck in that they aren't sentences at all. My spelling is, well, atrocious - I mean it's not amazing now but at least I can spell anyone.

But perhaps the worst thing is that the teacher would check all these entries so my mom must have looked kinda bad since according to this she only really liked me when I bribed her.

To lack of time and energy I am going to default to earlier works of mine done in the second grade, as I believe it is some of the funniest things I have ever written. The spelling errors are real - but to those who frequent that shouldnt be any surprise.

Some days in class would start with a topic to which I would then reply.

Write an invitation to an Indian boy or girl for the first Thanksgiving:

Dear Waterflower,

Can you come to the first Thanksgiving at my howes? At 5:00 on a tuesday?

I'm sorry - Thanksgiving, on a TUESDAY?! Umm...No, never happened. Also why does the Indian have some hippy name?

My father and I once had a conversation about how handy it would be if farts were color coded. Blue wouldn't be all that bad, green should be avoided, and red is too pungent to be inhaled. It would be like the terror alert system.

I feel I am sitting on a pioneering idea for the future and after someone else invents a pill I'll sue them claiming it was mine. I'm figuring that I'll prob win.

Now for the second installment of the second grade poems:

"The cat ate.

The big slowly angrily cat ate with a fork and spoon. THe black and white cat scrached the door ever day. A dog told him he was stupid

The End"

I'm thinking I should go to an open mic night and read some of this genius material.

"The tall muscular sadly man ran slowly and sadly home to his stupidly crazily muscular wife."

-Colleen Evanson 1992

My first night back at Ithaca I had quite the dream experience. Now I have recently got into Law & Order of the SVU kind. However, I had not watched any in at least 24 hours if not more so before I hit the hay. Well guess what? I had a dream about it.

Here's the thing, the images are hazy but basically I was on the set a lot with the actors, mainly Mariska Hargitay aka Det. Olivia Benson, whom apparently I had rapidly become good friends with. She hugged me when I arrived on set and then I assume we had a really fun hang out and BS session, then she'd hug me bye and insist that I stop by later.

But then, somehow my dream morphed and it was like I was on the show because suddenly I was in what looked like a psych ward with jail like overtones. Naturally I began to panic because clearly I didn't belong there, though some may disagree. At this point I was visited by the actual character of Olivia Benson, or so it seemed. Since she was now my good friend I voiced my concerns in a rather paniced and scared tone. She said she'd help me out.

Now for the best part. For some reason I had some type of roommate in this psych ward and she was for real crazy as in Ca-RAY-zee. Though I didn't witness exact examples of how crazy, I innately knew she was no good. So Olivia comes and visits me again and I tell her I have to get out of there because I'm scared she's going to kill me and once again, I didn't belong here. GET ME OUT!

Then I woke up. At first I was pretty confused, a second later I was thinking, "Oh man how awesome I'm good friends with a celebrity." Only to realize the harsh reality that it wasn't real and didn't happen.

So now if I ever run into Mariska it will prob be super awkward.

Many families take part in tradition, or the passing down of stories/skills from one generation to another. The Italian teach about spaghetti, the Chinese about rice, the Spanish about salsa and nachos, and the Irish of course teach how to never be tan. When guess what? I'm Irish. And beyond this innate gift is yet another that up until recently I felt was a skill only I was capable of.

You see when I was a young lass my cousins Adam and Eric taught me how to make fart noises with both my hands. You press them to your mouth and blow. It's really quite simple. But I discovered when I did this that I could achieve fart noises with just one hand. This comes in handy when I want to create the hilarity of a realistic fart.

Well it seems that only an Evanson has the power to achieve the one handed fart, for whenever I show friends, they try it and fail. Yet all on his own, without my teachings, little Shawn Evanson has been able to achieve this skill. It appears that the fake fart is strong with my family.

I'm a pretty fast walker. I'm able to pass a lot of people if I'm in a hurry or walking down a city block. It's almost like driving. I'm not saying that I speed when I drive because I can't really go over 80MPH due to the 14 year old car I drive. You see much like old people my car will shake. But back to walking, which also to keep with the old people motif - they can't really do to well, but I can. Now the only thing that will really stop me from walking past another person involves one of three things.

1. There are too many people blocking the way.

Most of the time they go pretty slow as well which annoys me even more, and when there is a break I'll walk super fast like I'm trying to hint that its annoying only they dont really care.

2. They themselves are walking pretty fast.

Now I could probably pass them, only we're walking about the same pace only I'm alittle bit faster and once I do pass them it will take awhile to do so, about 5-8 seconds which means they will at one time notice that I am right next to them and look over. I assume this will be an awkward moment of eye contact. As if they'll get really annoyed I'm passing them, like I'm Mrs.Fasty Walk Fastlots or something. Big hot shot. Once again I find when I do pass them, they for the most part, don't care.

3. I know the person up ahead.

If I'm good friends with them of course I'll meet up and chat. But often its more like someone I would rather say hey to in passing and that's it. There is nothing really more to say because let's be honest I was in that one class with you and that's it, or I talked to you a couple times bc you are a friend of a friend. You know those. (These may also be the same people on your buddy list that you never talk to but keep on the list in case of some emergency.)

So here I am in a hurry to walk to where I need and there is this person and I can't really pass them while going somewhere which means I'd look like a bitch if I pretended I didn't see them, plus if I get caught I'll have to pretend I didn't which I may or may not pull off. And in either case I'd have to engage in a forced conversation to waste time.

What makes it worse is if they are going the same way I am and they are walking REALLY slow. There is just no escape. And I have to walk even slower to stay at a decent distance behind bc if I get too close they might hear my footsteps and turn around, then WHAM! I'm stuck. Sometimes I will actually have to stop a bit, only that's weird too, so I'll pretend my shoe is untied or suddenly start rummaging through my bag for nothing.

It's a tough life as a fast walker...who mainly walks around a college campus where I know some people. Let me tell you, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Awhile ago I was sitting in my friend Wendy's dorm room. It was late, around 2am, when we got into a conversation about life. She asking what the point of life is if so many people are forgotten. Think about it. There are about 100 amazing people who are known around the world. Some for politics, some for music, some for arts. Its so hard to become someone like that, especially now when so much has been done/invented. Imagine how terrible it must have been to be a caveman. They didn't really get any credit for anything because no one knows their actual names. So the one genius who thought of fire, the wheel, or even early language, is associated along with the rest of the broad foreheaded, furry people. That sucks.

I've been away visiting middle america. Chicago is a rather choice city. Dare I say, it's an improved NYC; not as much trash, homeless folk, nicer people, right on the lake, and get this...you can actually hear what they say on their transportation system!

I also saw Omaha Nebraska. Good place to live, not visit. Overall I'd say it's flat.

But what I really wanted to discuss was a conversation had whilst at work. One of my co-workers turned to me last night and asked, "What would you do if I had dessert tarrets?"
I pondered for a moment and stated, "I'd probably get hungry and then really mad at you for saying all these delicious desserts that I couldn't have."

Think about it. You know it's true. I feel it's almost like watching Iron Chef. This is a truely amazing show dubbed over to english and when many people will stop channel surfing and give out an excited yelp of joy. But the thing you don't realize when you tune in is that you get to watch how they make all this food BUT you don't get to eat it. And it looks so good! There must be a way to have an interactive show. I hope we are able to figure out a way to do that. There must be some scientist out there willing. I mean, if someone invented motion control paper towel dispensers, I'm sure getting a cooking show to actually cook for you is plausible.

Today at work we listened to a Wilson Phillips song. You know, that group of three girls who sing that song about holding on for one more day. Yeah that's it. When I was about eight, I used to listen to them. This was all before I knew what good music was. Now when the song plays I think, 'wow they are lame.'

Also why Wilson Phillips? Why would you think an old mans name is a good idea.

Answers are welcome.

I'd imagine it would be quite awkward to witness a blind person performing a stand up comedy act of observational comedy. They'd be like, "have you ever lost your keys and felt all your tables looking for them?!" It would be even more awkward if they were standing away from the mic and at one point realized it, then tried to find it with their stick and knocked it over.

ouch.

This whole idea came about while watching Daredevil which is probably the worst superhero film ever. It's a pathetic shadow of what a successful blockbuster is. At one point Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have an elaborately awkward karate fight at a playground with children watching.

Recently I have thought it might be loads o' fun to re-record music for certain parts in movies/tv series that initially are pretty powerful moments and play music over them making them cliche.

Here is what I have so far:

1. recent season of 24 has Jack walking away, alone at the end of the series, wearing a pretty choice pair of aviators. I think at this point a song should kick in that I'm sure most are familiar with at this point in the year. Yes, that's right, Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Particularly the part that goes, "I walk a lonely road..."

2. Titanic when the ship is snapping in half and people are falling into the water. Play the song "I went to the danger zone."

3. In Star Wars Episode III while Anakin is staring out thinking of his lady friend who is gazing out thinking of him. He cries a little as he is deciding to basically turn to the dark side. And cue Five for Fighting's "Superman (its not easy)." I think this part works pretty well; "I’m only a man in a silly red sheet,Digging for kryptonite on this one way street,Only a man in a funny red sheet,Looking for special things inside of me, It’s not easy to be me."

That's all I got so far but I think it's quite a start.

As I drove back from dropping off my brother, I saw a man on the side of the road. There were several things out of place about him. Number one, he was walking with his bike. Perhaps something broke on it so he was forced to travel on foot. Number two he had an eye patch. Number three, the eye patch wasn't over his eye, but resting just above his eyebrow. Here in lies the biggest concern.

Why an eye patch? Don't you need good depth perception when riding any mobile? Not that I don't think people lacking one eye aren't capable of everyday things. I just feel this makes it harder, which perhaps is why he got off the bike in the first place. Except I have the distinct impression that since the eye patch wasn't acually on his eye that he indeed has his eye.

There was no other pirate gear found. So was he pretending to be missing an eye just for fun? Is he actually a pirate undercover who sometimes likes to wear an eye patch because he really isnt considered a pirate by his other swash buckling peers?

So much mystery.

There is this man who comes to work every couple of days in the afternoon. My first encounter with him, he got out of his truck, his ratty shirt clung to his enlarged belly. He leaned on the counter casually and before we could ask, "Can I help you?" he blurted out, "What's mickey mouse? A dog or a cat?" We were all confused if he was referring to a flavor of ice before we understood he was one of those older guys with the funny uncle like jokes.

He then proceeded to bust out a rhyme. At one point he claimed, "This shit is the shit" and just as my brain began to freak out, he used the word "dooby." From that point on its really all a blur. My mind didn't know how to properly process this information.

I'll leave it to the words of the man I like to call the Crazy Old Rapper:

"You heard of 50 cent? I'm 58."

The past couple of days my eye has been twitching. Only one, and I believe the tremors are coming from the lower lid. This is rather annoying. I was at work and felt it going as I was serving a customer. I wonder if they could notice. Would they think I was trying hard to wink at them? Or did it just look crazy? Did they even notice?

Which brings me to another thought I had at work. Now there are times in the summer when it is very hot. People at this time, often want something cool like, oh I dunno, an Italian Ice to cool them off. Now there are times when it seems the whole town shows up, perhaps even people are birthed from the street, notice we seem to be under staffed and rush to get food.

I have been thinking how glorious it would be if one night, while the line is wrapping around the block, that we close the window, place a sign on it saying, "Screw all ya'll" and proceed to walk by eating ice while smiling and waving. Sometimes I play it out in my mind and it is truely a sight to behold.

If you look back at some old sitcoms you will see that most kid acting involved the kid speaking very loud, then canned laughter followed. I noticed this while VH1 ran 100 Greatest Kid Stars. I must say VH1 really turned around. I remember when all they played was Diva's Unplugged with Whitney Houston and Celine Deon. That and Rod Stewart videos. Now it's full of clip shows with commentary from comedians and actors. Instead of watching something and making smart ass comments with friends, they do it for you! AMAZING!

PS - I heard Tom Cruise freaked out today about scientology, no offense to them but they are cra-zay.

To all scientologists: Please don't kill me for the above comment.

Whose idea was the lunge?

There is this movie coming out called High Tension and although I have never heard of it before I'm sure the previews/ads for it aren't lying when they say it's good. It involves some skinny blonde woman who is getting chased by some murderer with a chain saw. At one point it looks like she screams as she runs through the woods. PLUS it's night time. And it's different from all those other thriller/horror movies because she has SHORT blonde hair.

So probably most of middle america will think she's gay.

I have a question. If you are an old woman do you HAVE to cut your hair really short? And in the cutting process does the hair become curly even if it wasn't before? Think about it. Name one old woman you know with long hair. It's impossible.

Allergies are pretty dumb. Every day when I get up, not even WAKE UP, just get up in the morning to pee I sneeze at least 3 times. Moving from one space in my house to another is somehow toxic to my nose. If I lived back in the day when they said Bless You because they thought your soul was trying to escape, people would probably think I was possessed by the devil. Or they would think I was evil and some kind of witch. That would suck because they I would be irrationally burned or tortured in some fashion. This I would not have cared for, I can tell you that. Even if I was really a witch that's still pretty harsh of a punishment. If i were really a witch I'd try to pinch them in pressure zones that hurt aREAL bad. Also I think I'd cast a spell so they couldn't ever eat ice cream. Something like Lactose Intolerance perhaps.

holy crap. that's probably where that comes from. Freaking witches! Is nothing sacred?!

I'm back on the island. Working at Ralph's so if ya'll wants some ice come along. Ok so one of the most exciting things I have learned is how to discover one's Jedi name. Yes, I am a nerd, let's get past that but this is pretty awesome. So I was told that you take the first THREE letters of your Last Name and add the first TWO letters of your First Name to it. Then combine the first THREE letter of your birthplace/town you are from (i'm unclear which one specifically it is), with the first TWO letters of your Mother's Maiden name.

Example:

Colleen + Evanson = Evaco
Lake Grove + McGrath = Lakmc

My name is Evaco Lakmc. I encourage you all to post your names here to see whose is choice and whose is lame.

Mine is pretty choice, but then again, I'm probably biased.

Also I've compiled a list of some of the best things humans have been a part of. Here it is.

1. Ice Cream
2. Massage
3. BBQ flavored chips

Sometimes I wonder if aliens (or alie-ums) exist that they would be fascinated by our eyes, since they are neither huge, nor one color. That whole concept has the potential to blow they undoubtedly more advanced minds clear out of their enlarged skulls. Also the fact that we have actual genitalia. That might confuse/gross them out.

I'm going to attempt to appease all with the following essay. Read the comments from the last post before proceeding.

My Essay about Some Stuff in Life

From what I skimmed over from a website that came up after I googled "Hemingway 'A close" (I didn't feel like typing the whole title), it seems the poem described a conversation between two guys. One of which is old, the other is a waiter. Here check it out:

"Last week he tried to commit suicide," one waiter said.

Jee, thanks Debby Downer. Though I didn't bother to read much of it I think it would be way better if the two guys talked about something else or didn't really talk at all. How about this...

The waiter hands the old guy a check for his meal.
The old dude is nodding off.
The waiter nudges him.
The old guy farts kinda loud but can't hear it because his hearing aid is down.
The waiter doesn't breathe in as he walks away.

I dunno about you but that is way better. As for this guy Samuel Johnson, his name is pretty close to Samuel L Jackson. So once this story gets adapted into a script I think we can cast him as the old guy. But I bet he won't want to be the old guy because he wants to be hip so I'll let him be the waiter and the old guy can get played by Hugh Downs, previously seen on 20/20 because I think America would like to see him again, it's been awhile.

You know I bet he knows something about James Joyce and this thing he wrote called "Araby." Hugh was always full of worldy knowledge. Also I think he could school Barbara Walters any day. I dunno if she still does 20/20. I havent seen it in years because its on the same time as Fear Factor. However, if she did leave, I think the producers at ABC should get together and get a reunion royal together. Walters vs. Downs. They could arm wrestle, or see who can eat applesauce the fastest, or have a dizzy bat race. I bet ratings would soar.

So as for others literary things, I remember reading Green Eggs and Ham in elementary school. I probably read Run Spot Run since I vaguely remember it was about a dog but other than that I think that book sucked. Plus there are tons of books about dogs already, so not original. But I'll tell you who is unique, Dr. Suess (and that fool isn't even a doctor). I can totally quote Green Eggs and Ham without google. Check it out:

"'Hey you want some green eggs and ham?' said this guy.

'No I will not eat them with a fox, I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them here or there I will not eat them anywhere. But I'll never turn down a tuna melt because those are pretty awesome,' said the other guy in the book."

I think this book is the best because I got to make up some other lines in it. I'm pretty sure the use of the ever so popular deli delight combination of tuna, cheese, and toasted bread is accessable to most people since just about everyone has probably tried it at some point. If you don't like tuna then maybe you aren't a person. You could be a robot. Though I have no proof that robots can't eat tuna fish, if I recall a scene from A.I. by Steven Spielberg correctly that kid who was a robot couldn't eat anything because, well I dunno why. I think the dad in the scene said he would short circut or something. But no matter how hard that kid tried to be a real boy he couldn't. So sorry robots, there is no hope.

This makes me wonder if there are people in the world who are actual people but wish they could become an emotionless robot. One way they might try to turn themselves into a machine could be listening to Mr. Roboto and doing the robot move where you walk all stiff. It's pretty popular to freeze your whole body and just move one arm.
If this is too hard to understand you could look into getting a helper monkey. I'm sure this friendly critter could help you look it up online because monkeys are pretty smart. You know, most people don't realize we actually came from monkeys. But I do because I'm smart thanks to the keen reporting of Hugh Downs. Man, that guy was awesome. I really hope he isn't dead. That would suck.

In conclusion, literature isn't as good as television. Lots of people own TVs, almost no one owns books. In fact one may say that books are the tools of the devil and I'd have to agree. Education is important and all but so is Must See TV which hasn't been as good since Friends left but that Joey, oh man, he's hilarious and he's totally making lots of money and I bet he doesn't even know what a book is. So there.

So I wanted to update but I hath no idea what to write about. As such, how about we do some interactive blogging. You give me things to talk about or to use in a story. Consider it my blog final.

Yesterday my friend Jess and I discussed the word "probably." This is a pretty choice word. When used properly in a sentence it can equate emmense hilarity.

Why it is so funny? Well it completely undermines the gravity of any situation.

For example, let's say you are sitting in a field minding your own business. Over the hill you see what looks like a man running toward you. Suddenly a UFO appears and abducts this man. You think to yourself, "that's probably not good."

Or let's say you are having a romantic evening with your significant other. They slip out of their seat onto one knee. They show you a ring and say, "I think we should probably get married."
If this happens to you I think you should probably say no.

Discuss.