I really love how the word "diversity" has become a blanket term for race.

I saw a few movies over the break. First up: New Moon. Let me preface that it wasn't a movie I wanted to go to because I'm a total snob. In fact the exchange with my cousin Nate was as follows:

Nate: You know I'm going to make you see New Moon with me.
Me: I'd like to see you try.

Thankfully I didn't pay for it. Once again I was expecting so little that it wasn't the worst thing I've seen but it could have been a hour long. Here's basically what happens, and I'm not ruining anything here. Below I will channel the voice of the main character Bella.

Bella: Ah, boo! Two hot boys like me and I'm in high school, my life is SO hard. : (

Next movie: The Blind Side. This one I actually had an interest in seeing, mostly because I'm a sucker for based on true life events. Yet I am not sure how I feel about a movie that is basically like, "oh look black people need white people to be successful." However, Sandra Bullock does rock the casbah. Also, it appears she is no longer aging.

The other day I had a dream that I met Meryl Streep. I got a minor case of the giggles which she acknowledged. I think I was there to help with a film shoot or interview so it's not like I randomly accosted her. We started to chat and then my damn alarm woke me up and ruined everything. Way to go real life.

In other news, I grazed on apple/peach cobbler/cherry/pumpkin/pecan pie for about 2 days straight whilst in the AZ. On Friday I went for a 2.8 mile walk and although I didn't break a sweat I felt like I successfully burnt all the calories off. Never doubt the power of denial.

Also I loved that on Thanksgiving day the radio was starting to play Christmas songs. We weren't even done with turkey before making the mad dash into the present buying insanity. I will never understand sleeping outside of Best Buy when you can have Santa take care of it for you. Hello people he has a magical bag full of your hearts desire!

It's almost Turkey Day. Sorry turkeys but we'z a gonna eat cha! Personally I'm more excited about the desserts. This year I'll be going to the AZ to hang out with some Mormons that I'm semi related to through marriage. Should be fun.

I went a few years ago I almost exclusively ate pie everyday as a meal. A-mazing. See if you eat it as your meal only two times a day and walk around the block it pretty much negates the calories. Yeah, I'm going with that.

If I'm out of reach for awhile you know why. I got converted. Also there is a high probability that my cousin Nate will force me to see New Moon. I might indulge him if he doesn't mind hearing snarky comments the entire time, that or I'll just take a nap.

Allow me to discuss the movie 2012 with you. First of all I saw it last night and if you go in with the expectation of it to suck, then you leave going, "you know, it wasn't terrible..." Let me be clear, it's not good either. It's no Snakes On A Plane, however, I enjoyed making snarky comments with friends throughout.

What I like best about this whole thing is that they didn't release the movie in the year 2012 which to me would have been fun to capitalizes on people's paranoia. I'm pretty sure that's because they thought, well just in case the world does end I'd like to make money off this and be rich for three years before I die. That's a pretty good exit strategy.

I have looked into many a 2012 theories. I'm convinced that I got about 3 years left since it's slated to happen at the end of the 2012 year. That being said, I'd like to live it up these next few years. So perhaps I should run up a crazy amout of credit card debt with the idea that I'll never really have to pay it back. It's basically a fool proof plan. Unless we get another Y2K situation. Then I'm screwed.

But from what I've read about Super Volcano's, I dunno what's worse: dying in a fire blast from the erruption or surviving and having to live through a nuclear winter. Die instantly or die gradually. Probs going with the instant, though I'm sure the lines for Heaven will be to DMV proportions.

One thing I know for sure. I'd rather die on one of the coasts then survive in middle America.

If you are a vampire are you ONLY allowed to drink blood or is cake fair game? In all these TV shows and movies they mention how they never really eat. I dunno about you, but if I had to live forever without enjoying the awesome power of banana bread or stuffing myself at an all you can eat Indian buffet, that would be a deal breaker.

Sorry, I'm out. I'm catching the next sunset. See you on the flip side.

I'm fascinated by bizarre things that become popular like Cirque du Soleil. Can you image the first pitch of that idea...

Businessman: So you're telling me that it's like the regular circus except no one speaks english, everyone's half naked, and it's overall much gayer?
Artist: Yeah, basically.
Businessman: Get the hell out of my office.

But even better is BodyWorks. For those unfamiliar it's an exhibit that shows real human bodies in mostly bones and muscles form. It's like a freakish science fair. I have been to it before and it's amazing. However as you stand there and look at the muscles of some ice skater on top of their game you wonder, ok how exactly did you get that person's body when they died?

You are told they donate their body to science, but did they know they were dying or was it a freak accident? I mean I get why you have the obese guy but the marathon runner in the best shape of their life just to happened to die AND noted at 25 that they wanted their body donated?

I smell a conspiracy...or perhaps an excuse not to exercise. Not only is it true that fat kids are harder to kidnap but no one will ever try to kill you and put you on display.

I work at a small studio that allows people to bring in their dogs. My boss has 2 big white labs who pay us all a visit once every couple of months. They are cute but spoiled and when you want to work they want you to throw a ball down the hallway. They bark at you when you don't. It's especially fun when you are on the phone.

Originally my boss only had one named Owen. Then a few years later they got another one named Joey who is only 6 months but he's huge. Now Owen is naturally annoyed at Joey's energy level and attention for being the "puppy." He displayed some of this anger yesterday by doing the following:

1. Humping Joey's face while they wrestled.
2. Peeing on Joey's head.

And as if that's not awkward enough later in the day when I took them both out on their second bathroom break Joey pooped and was clearly aroused.

Gross.

It has come to my attention that I need to correct a previous post about the Snuggie.

In my post I implied the Snuggie was created because we were too lazy to take a blanket off ourselved while we're laying around and need to use our hands. I have been corrected, that it is there to keep you warm while you use your arms. I apologize if this has caused the Snuggie any financial harm.

However, may I suggest to them that it could be beneficial to add gloves onto the sleeve so the hands won't be cold. As someone with poor circulation in my hands this enhancement would be much appreciate. There should be a traction layer on the palm side so you can easily grip the remote control or pages of your book (thanks for the complimentary book light!).

Also while we're at it, can we add some pants with little booties on the end, and perhaps a velcro back so I can suit up in the mornings? I've heard the dog snuggie has velcro to keep it on them but it kinda makes me jealous. I want to be wrapped up like a delish cozy burrito.

The Snuggie is TOTES the new Robe.

Second Grade Journal:

The Mealworm Saga Part IV

1. They wigal when you pick it up.
2. They have a little bit of hair.
3. They have 13 segments in them.
4. They have legs in the front of them.
5. They like to walk on the side of the dish.
6. I think they will trun into bettles.

Number 7 was written but then X'd out. Who knows what I planned to say. Though it's written in pencil so I'm not sure why I didn't just erase it. But then again so many things in my journal don't make sense. It's really a miracle I got through second grade.

Second Grade Journal:

Mealworm Saga - Part III

They have antnnas.
Some are girls some are boys.
They have two eyes.
Two of my mealworms shedded.
If you put the mealworms on the apple they climb off.

I then proceeded to draw a picture of one and affectionally called it Paco, though the eraser marks show originally I went with Judy.

Also:

78 - 63 = 15

Those of you who might not be aware of "white problems" please feel free to read plenty of them listed here:

www.whitewhine.com

Enjoy.

Seriously, what did we do without the internet?

I know that back in the "olden times" there was a lot of stuff to make up like electricity, cars, or literacy. But after the invention of the sandwich, what did people do to fill up their days? I'm sure some were poor and had to work all the time and rich people created country clubs, but I'm talking like in the 80s. Obviously we filled time with creating choice outfits with as many neon colors as possible, but then what? Getting a perm is not an all day affair.

Did people actually work more? Were they more productive without the distractions from sites such as Fail Blog or YouTube? I doubt it.

I think we were just bored and took less proscription drugs for disorders we hadn't yet made up.

Speaking of, how ridiculous is this Latisse thing Brooke Shields is selling!? A prescription drug that helps grow your eye lashes longer and fuller. I mean REALLY?! This is what we're using science for now? You guys completely gave up on the cancer thing and shifted focus on the epidemic of non awesome eyelashes that weren't helped through mascara?

If that's not a white people problem, I dunno what is.

The other day I saw a commerical for the Snuggie aka a blanket with arm sleeves because we all know how hard it is to take a blanket off when we need to use our hands. Commericals in general are ridiculous to me but this one took the cake.

First of all they tried to show off their fancy new options like zebra and leopard print, so everyone can see how cool you are. Then they had the nerdiest white guy wearing one while laying on a couch and raising the roof. A-mazing.

But my all time fave part is when the entire family is wearing one and they are playing pictionary. Naturally there is a picture of the Snuggie already drawn and they get excited when someone guesses it. Now if you are ALL wearing it, is it really necessary to draw it? I mean I know that's the point of the game but wouldn't you just point to yourself. This seems like a lot of work for a product that is supposed to make my life easier. Also what game of pictionary has this as an option?

The Marketing geniuses strike again!

If I ever get too rich for my own good then I would really like to install a cookie shower. That's right, a nice warm cookie shower is the perfect pick me up in the morning.

In my head it's awesome, especially when I'd have cookies like white chocolate macadamian nut, snickerdoodle, double stuff oreos, oatmeal, peanut butter. However, I'm sure if the cookies aren't fresh enough that it'd hurt your head. Also you'd have to take a real shower afterwards to get the crumbs off. It's not very efficient so I'm sure only Hummer owners would want one.

OHH, BURN!

Favorite Phrase of the Day:

"Take that life gem and bedazzle a sweater."

Then my co-worker Samantha and I got into a discussion as to the best material to bedazzle. She thinks sweaters are too baggy, but a leotard is too much. So we agreed that a denim purse would be perf for it. Show that ish off 'round town and make all the peeps jealous.

And yes I just shortened perfect to be perf. Deal with it.

Second Grade Journal

The Mealworm Saga - Part II

Do they turn into beetles?
How meny eyes do they have?
My meal worms have two antnnas.
They have alittle bit of hair on them.
They try to crul out.
They are not noisey.


Unrelated Bonus Story:
This morning I saw a man with a mustache so large it ate his mouth and was still hungry for more.

Second Grade Journal Entry:

The Mealworm Saga - Part 1

They look like worms.
I feel good about them.
They curl up when they walk.
They do not moving a lot.
One of them likes the apple.

Stay tuned for the next installment with questions and more vague observations.

I really hope that if there is a Heaven you get to eat all the food you want and not gain any weight.

Daylight Savings Time is a crazy little thing that confuses us when we wake up in the morning and the digital clock doesn't match our phone. I awoke on Sunday thinking, why didn't my phone alarm go off, it's past 8:30AM according to the clock near the bed. But then oh, ho it was only 7:30AM. SCORE! Bonus hour of sleep. It was even better than finding a $20 in an old pair of jeans.

But I wonder in a society that becomes more and more reliant on technology every day that we will lose the wonder of realizing we gain an hour of sleep in the fall. Everything will be sync'd and you can no longer use that as an excuse when you're late. You'll just wake up feeling extra refreshed before your robot slave arrives with your breakfast and slippers.

TIP: Make the robot slave eat the breakfast first so you know it's not poison because it's bound to turn on you eventually.

Last night I reluctantly saw "Couple's Retreat." Let's just say I should have followed my gut and not gone in the first place. It did have some great one liners and the first couple of acts were decent but the last part just sucked. When you have a sub par Guitar Hero montage/stand off, you know you're in trouble.

On the plus side I got to see the trailer for "It's Complicated" starring my talent crush Meryl Streep and (bonus!) Alec Baldwin. My brain almost exploded from the sheer joy. Now, if that one sucks too, I'll be a-real sad.

:_ (

Halloween ain't no joke.

Wow, I am SO surprised that Britney Spears with all her vocal talent is being auto tuned in her latest song "3." At least her music video is tasteful...

Yesterday I went to get my hairs cut a bit. I don't have a set hairdresser so I bounce around. I did the walk in and hit it off really well with this woman named Chris. We had good a haircutting talk; no awkwardly long pauses or concern that I shouldn't talk because she didn't seem to have a keen grasp on what she was doing. We all know that feeling.

When I was done we both agreed it twas a good time. I got her card and as I walked over to pay she said she usually didn't like getting women because they can be crazy about their hair but every so often you get a girl who is cooler than a dude. I am that girl.

Take that dudes!

Los Angeles is a beautiful place to live. Being from the East Coast I don't mind not having the winter to deal with, however, I miss the seasons. I like it when it gets cloudy. I like a little rain. Mix it up. It sounds ridiculous but you can get bored of sunny and 70s. (Please try to stiffle the urge to punch me in the face.)

What I don't like about the great weather is that the people here can't handle it when it's not perfect. In general there are WAY too many people with driver's licenses who don't deserve them aka no one knows how to drive. So when it rains, it might as well be the Apocalyse. That being said it shouldn't surprise you that when it was CRAZY windy yesterday and some street lights went out, it took people 40 mins to go 5 miles.

Oy. There has got to be a better way. If we can't handle wind how we will deal with flying cars? According to Back the Future II they are slated to appear around 2015.

That's when I'm glad I ride my bike. Although there were a few times when the wind blew so hard the bike pulled to the side and dust was all up in ma face that I didn't feel as fortune.

This past Sunday I ventured to Knott's Scary Farm for some pre-Halloween fun. First of all, it sounds like NOT Scary Farm which confused me. Did they name it that or was that given to it by the people who deemed it lame?

For those of you unfamiliar, it's basically an amusement park turned into a giant haunted house. Some of it is indeed not scary. I tried to act too cool for school when people in costume would approach me, follow me, or just jump out at me. I'd either try to calm them down by saying, "alright," whist holding up my hand OR I'd yell out "Oh my God," "Jesus!" or the F bomb.

Some of the "mazes" were creepy, some were expected, and others were sad. Highlights:

1. When we first entered the park a woman dressed in 18th century clothes followed us and yelled at my friend Pete, "EGON!" Jose and I were confused. Who is Egon? Is she saying EVIL?So we asked her. She stayed in character saying "EGON!" When we continued to be confused she explained, Egon from Ghostbusters. Turns out she thought Pete looked like a younger Harold Ramis (aka Dr. Egon Spengler). When we agreed with an "oooh..." she totally broke character saying, "Right?"

2. Getting some free, recently popped Kettle Korn. Delish.

3. Getting my hair touched by a creepy security guard on my way out of a maze called "Lockdown." Thankfully I had no idea but everyone else saw and thought it was weird.

4. At end of the "Labyrinth" maze, the last guy before the exit was leaning in his cubby hole, yawning.

5. Watching THE WORST stage show ever that attempted to be pop culture savy by having every summer blockbuster character in it like Optimus Prime and then also Susan Boyle. But even worse than the lame "too soon" Michael Jackson jokes was an employee stuck at one of the nearby booths mouthing all the words robotically. Tragic.

We also decided that if we worked there, we'd want to be the people who walked around the park messing with people all night and when that got boring, probably just take a nap in the bushes.

Oh Friday, bless your heart. I have missed you so.

Today I am looking forward to going to Yogurtland. Have you heard? Tis a wonderous place. As you might have guessed they sell yogurt there. Unlike other places where you think the high school employee is being stingy, here it's self serve. That's right I get to mix, match, and go crazy not just on yogurt but toppings as well.

And we're not talking about chump toppings like sprinkles, marshmellows, chocolate syrup. They take it to the next level. Oh what's that, Cap'N Crunch, anyone? That's right. Or how about some asian flare Mochi? Scoop it up. Wanna pretend to be healthy? Add some crushed almonds.

Same deal with the flavors. They got the basic tart and mixed berry jazz. But then WHAMMY - Nutter Butter, Cheesecake, Bananas Foster, Pistacio, Taro (yes!), Coconut, Cookies N Cream, and now for Fall - Pumpkin Pie and Ginger Bread.

The fattie within is full of glee. Especially when I trick myself into thinking I can get more because it's frozen yogurt, not ice cream. Kinda like when people get fast food and then order the Diet Coke, because that's gonna help.

Also if any employees are reading I'd be happy to tattoo your ads on my face so I can then stuff said face with delish yogurt fo' free. Thanks!

It's time again to share some gems from second grade.

List 5 things you know about fire safety.

1. Don't liet a fire.
2. Don't breth the smock.
3. Don't let things bran.
4. Don't staf things up.
5. Don't hid.

Who knew that bran would not only keep you regular but could also cause fires. There should be warnings for that. Also if there is a fire, don't hide in the past tense. It's just bad news.

I would like to smack Glen Beck's face off.

That's right, slap him so damn hard his face literally falls off. Then ban all doctors from putting it back on. Not allowed, sorry. You get to be faceless. No more crying because you're country is getting taken away from you by that awful black man in charge. No more sorry excuse for a talk show. But probably worse - no more coy/flirtatious self photos to post of Facebook, because you KNOW he'd totes does that.

oh snap! semi political rant.

I hope in my next life I'm a cat so I can sleep 16 hours a day and it's considered normal.

However, I shant be using a litterbox. I'll be one of those cats that uses the toilet. In fact, I bet most cats that flush were once people. It's just more civilized.

As someone who exclusively uses their Debit Card it's rare I have cash, let alone spare change. So when a homeless person asks me for money I really am not lying when I say I don't have any. This allows me to feel less guilty for not giving them any. Yet on occasion when I have spare change I will share; it ranges from about 50 cents to a dollar, you know, just in case it's Jesus in desguise. Gotta have something to show for my "Good Deeds" reel.

Now the semi-smart bums out here hang around outside the ATMs and as you walk by they ask if you have change. However, I'm on my way over there so currently no and when I pass again they KNOW I have money but let's be honest, you're not getting my $20. Especially when there isn't even a jig involved.

You need me to break Sir Jackson on something. If I were homeless I'd tag team with kids that accost you with candy for their basketball team outside grocery stores. Then maybe they'd get some change. Then again, if they had those entrepreneurial skillz they probs wouldn't be homeless in the first place.

While talking with my dear friend Chaia today at the Creative Screenwriting Expo about the apparent return of the "rat tail" phenomenon I fully exposed myself as a Star Wars nerd by suggesting that perhaps these people were Padawans.

Then whilst discussing how awesome that would be - for example, if Jedi's actually recruited next to Army booths - we were out nerded by someone dropping a Midichlorian reference. He then tried to play it off saying he wasn't a big Star Wars fan, but we knew that was a lie.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's ok, I don't judge.

Halloween is just 'round the corner so I'd like to give some tips I learned from second grade.

List 4 safety rules to remember when trck or treating.

1. Olwas wock for strads.
2. Olwas chek your candy.
3. Olwas go with a gronup.
4. Don't go with strads.

I think it's safe to say let's just avoid the strads all together. They are just bad news. Strads of course being strangers, or at least that's what I think I'm talking about, in my secret twin language.

Recently I have been going through my second grade journal and I found some seasonally appropriate gems. Enjoy:

Second Grade Journal Entry

List 4 things you know about Christopher Columbus.

1. He sald the seven seas.
2. He fawnd amerak.
3. He was a kind man.
4. He was a brav man.

Not only did Columbus discover America (cough) lies (cough), he also found a nation similar in spelling but not capitalized. God Bless amerak. I'm also a fan of how much they lie to us at that age. Sorry kids but as you get older you will learn that Columbus was really quite a douche.

Then at the bottom of the page:

Kate das
4+4=8
4+3=7

In case you weren't aware.

Not sure about you but I can't wait for the completion of the Harry Potter world in Florida. Basically my mind will 'splode seeing Hogwarts come to life. It'll be a hardcore nerd out, the likes of which I may never recover.

Let me break it down for you: I want to be a wizard and when I set foot in there I'll believe I shall become one However, being a Muggle, it's not going to happen. That's just the hard truth of the matter. Therefore I shall submit my application to be the guidence counselor of Hogwarts. Perhaps the exposure to magic will allow me to become one, but if not, I'll just live vigariously through the students aka failed actors hired by Warner Bros to fill the place. Whatever works.

Dear Jon Stewart,

Thank you for existing.

Lub,
C$

Also, big ups to Cousin Pat in the NYC for sending me this gem:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-wqmnJrOFM

Whilst on my way to the Farmer's Market this morning I walked by a couple of homeless guys. After I had gotten at least 5 feet away one of them yelled out, "We need change!"

I thought, "Literal or figurative?" Then a second later I heard from his grizzled, bearded, dirty friend, "Bitch!"

When I turned around with a look of "Really?" He then followed up with, "Slut!"

First of all, me not giving you money doesn't make me a slut. Get your insults right. Second, if you are homeless and want people to give you money you need another strategy.

This is semi-old news but when I first heard Ellen Degeneres was going to be a judge on American Idol I thought it was a joke. Aren't you busy with a successful talk show that shoots all week? Not to mention those amusing American Express commercials. How much more dancing must you bring to America? Have mercy! The Baby Boomers are getting old and busting a move will throw our their backs.

Don't you have a super hot GF to go home to? Unless...uh-oh, you don't WANT to go home. I see what's happening here. Well, avoiding the problem by spending more time with Randy's "Dog Pound" won't help you out of the...Dog House. (You see what I did there, clever right?)

After all, you're both women, I'm sure you can talk it out. I mean, am I right, fellas?!

I watched Boogie Nights for the first time today and I am so surprised that nothing good comes from sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It just seems Hollywood makes you think it's a lethal combo. I mean sure there are your ups and downs with life in the fast lane, the walk of shame has to happen at some point. Honestly, the cops don't know what's up and doing impromptu drug hustles usually work out. Only a few times have people been shot that I've witnessed. No big.

You know where else people get shot? War. And you don't see Hollywood making ANY films about that. Especially Iraq ones. I mean it's been like less than 4 months since the last one. Slackers. This ish is happening!

truth bomb: dropped.

I encourage all you new readers to use the handy dandy "Search Oldschool" feature to the right and look up "second grade." Awhile back I posted some gems from my second grade journal. It's probably some of the funniest stuff I ever wrote. I peaked at 9.

Today I'd like to discuss that PitBull song "Hotel Room Service." He's one of those rap stars the kids listen to. Now in his song he talks about taking the ladies to a "hotel, motel, Holiday Inn."

This got me to think about these options. If I had to choose between the three what would it be?

Hotel - this could be nice, or sketchy. It's vague. Best Western or Ritz? It's a gamble and seeing that I don't even like playing the quarter machines in casinos, makes me slightly nervous that I'd be sorely disappointed with the lack of a kitchenett. Not that I need to cook, but do we HAVE to go out and eat, I mean I gotta watch this figure, it's not happening by accident.

Motel - def not. If I'm interested in a drug deal or hanging out with tranny hookers then yes. I apologize to those respectable hole in the walls, but you'd probs be on my side with this.

Holiday Inn - affordable. I think, weekend get away with the kids or where you stay when you have a soccer tournament. I know what to expect here. It's a safe bet that you won't have a GREAT time but it won't be awful either. And I'm ok with mediocrity. I choose you, Pikachu!

That being said I'd never go to a Holiday Inn with Pitbull. Maybe mini golf.

Let's take a moment to discuss stalkers. Yes, thanks to things like the interwebz (aka information superhighway), and Facebook you can find just about anybody. But remember the good ol' days before that? When you had to be crazy enough to hop on a plane, fly to LA, get a star map, go on a tour to scope out the house, then return later under cover of darkness. Or so I assume. It's quiet an investment.

Now - boop, bop, beep - enter key - and behold! semi nude, blurry photo of what's her face.

But regardless if you are an oldschool or newschool stalker, does it really work out? For example, the guy who went for Jodie Foster years ago. I mean, dude, she's still gay, at best you are a friend. I doubt celebs are impressed with the ability to jump the fence to their house and your juking skillz as their security tackles you to the ground. Oh, hello Court Order, so nice to see you again.

Has any celeb ever said, "Wow, you are too legit to quit. You really do care. Let's go enjoy the endless salad bar at Olive Garden." Even Courtney Love isn't that crazy, nor classy enough for the likes of the fine italian cuisine of said chain restaurants.

By the way I want to throw it out there I think I'd make a great non threatening stalker. I think I'd try to just move in and be the new neighbor. Though I'm sure I couldn't afford a house in the B. Hills, so maybe I'd just sneak onto their neighbor's yard with a hose and be outside in my PJs, you know, watering. They come out to get the paper and I'm all too cool for school:

ME: "Hi there. I'm not at all flustered by your presence what so ever."
CELEB: Good morning charming young lass. Say would you like to join me at (insert name dropping event)?
ME: "What's that you're having a BBQ and I'm invited? I have to see that I'm free."

It's only a matter of time, Pat Sajak.

If I was independently wealthy or a trust fund baby I wouldn't invest in the stock market, yachts, movies, or even a pool full of money to swim in, Scrooge McDuck style.

Now don't go thinking I'd give it away to charity. That's ridiculous. I'd put the money into a much needed franchise:

Vampire/Jedi research institutions

That's right, let's make these things real. Let's find ways to not just have fictional shows about vampires, but reality shows. Then maybe something like Big Brother could be slightly interesting. Also if we can create Jedi's then we'd get lightsabers. Real ones, not the ones available at a Spencer's Gifts near you. I'm talking about caulderizing arms off in sketchy cantina's when they give you lip.

It's not like we don't have enough money or enough volunteers. This could even be a solution to some of our economy woes. You want to decrease state spending on incarceration? Write to your congressman. Hello. May I introduce you to my good friend, Jail? All they do is watch tv and get shanked. At least now they can lead the way to a better tomorrow. We'll only use them for the testing phase because obvs (obviously) they can't become Jedi since they are bad. They'll go all Sith on us and ruin everything. Can't have that, no sir.

Though it may be small in size, the power of the Fanny Pack is a true force to be reckoned with.

I've decided to pull a Brett Farve and come out of retirement. Hopefully I won't suck.

Instead I fancy this come back to the likes of the latest installment of the Batman movies. None of that George Clooney business. What was that about? Did he leave ER for that? Check minus.

But I must recruit the troops. Propaganda is best, so I think I'll have facebook do my bidding.

Fear not! I shall keep posts short. Twitter is like the new blog. Lord knows we don't want to read more than a sentence or two. Don't want to exhaust ourselves. Plus reading is gross.

This Halloween I think I'll just throw a sheet over me and walk around trying to collect all the free candy I can. I'm short enough that I can get away with being a teenager. But I'm actually not very interested in anything besides Reese's so I'll just go to houses and ask for that. Sorry Snickers, you aren't making the cut.

I'd like to post a recent Instant Message exchange I had with AOL YellowPages:


AOL: Welcome back. What should I look up?
ME: your mom
AOL: Page: 1 of 10
Search for: "mom" in BEVERLY HILLS, CA (LOS ANGELES COUNTY).
Enter a number to select a listing:

1. For My Mom LLC (2.10 mi.) 310-446-8266
2. Modern Mom L L C (2.46 mi.) 323-330-0576
3. Mom & Son Cleaners (3.50 mi.) 323-939-7722
4. Just Like Mom's Preschool (3.93 mi.) 323-874-6032
5. Mom & Baby Care (5.30 mi.) 323-462-3307

Type "M" to see more results, "CL" to change location, or enter a new search term.

Take that computer!!

FYI

Although most of california is burning, I myself am not currently on fire. Though I must say I am rather hot, in the visual sense.

HEY-O! Up Top!

I know it's been a month. I suck. I have enrolled in a sketch writing class at the UCB Theatre and it's been GREAT! And I'll use that as an excuse for my lack of updating.

However, there are new California Updates on Google Video. Check out my apartment, unfurnished. Moved in with ma boyfriend. And everyone is all, oh that's a big deal. Well only Ron Burgundy is a big deal, ok? It's all good.

Lastest sellout Hollywood activity I am involved in is going to movie screenings. I have a friend at a studio so I was getting into private screenings for lots of other assistants. THEN she hooked me up with premiere tickets. I saw Lars and the Real Girl with Ryan Gosling. I showed up as he was making his way down the red carpet, which was like 50 feet long and full of cameras and yelling. Even though it looked like they were taking pics of him, I'm pretty sure it was for me. But I'm so cool and down to earth that I played it down. Signed a few autographs too, before I busted out the double guns finger move.

So cool it hurts.

I'm going to another premiere tonight for Rendition, starring Meryl Streep. Anyone who considers themselves a "regular" to the site knows that I have a talent crush on her. If I see her tonight. I will probs die. So if there are no more posts from this day forth. You know why.

Death by Meryl.

I know it's been a month. I suck. I have enrolled in a sketch writing class at the UCB Theatre and it's been GREAT! And I'll use that as an excuse for my lack of updating.

However, there are new California Updates on Google Video. Check out my apartment, unfurnished. Moved in with ma boyfriend. And everyone is all, oh that's a big deal. Well only Ron Burgundy is a big deal, ok? It's all good.

Lastest sellout Hollywood activity I am involved in is going to movie screenings. I have a friend at a studio so I was getting into private screenings for lots of other assistants. THEN she hooked me up with premiere tickets. I saw Lars and the Real Girl with Ryan Gosling. I showed up as he was making his way down the red carpet, which was like 50 feet long and full of cameras and yelling. Even though it looked like they were taking pics of him, I'm pretty sure it was for me. But I'm so cool and down to earth that I played it down. Signed a few autographs too, before I busted out the double guns finger move.

So cool it hurts.

I'm going to another premiere tonight for Rendition, starring Meryl Streep. Anyone who considers themselves a "regular" to the site knows that I have a talent crush on her. If I see her tonight. I will probs die. So if there are no more posts from this day forth. You know why.

Death by Meryl.

I feel like Man Tears are akin to Unicorn Tears. Both mystical and rare. I'm sure Man Tears possess some kind of healing power. Got to skim through Harry Potter as I'm sure there's something in there about it in Potions class.

As a scientist I'm certified to say that 9 out of 10 people who use Man Tears are cured from cancer.

My friend Shannon sent me a link to a story while at work. It was from BBC News. The title:

Pet camel kills Australian woman: A woman in Australia has been killed by her pet camel after the animal may have tried to have sex with her.

I am not making this ish up. May have? MAY HAVE?! Gotta love the Brits. I think this is even worse than dying by shark attack mainly because at least that's sort of impressive. Plus it's like well you vs. shark. Shark probs is gonna win. But man, if I was her and I wound up in heaven I'd be furious and in utter disbelief. I would demand a refund. Especially since the article doesn't mention her name, probably to avoid embarassment but now this woman will remain nameless and known only as the woman who was possibly humped to death by a camel.

However I neglect to bring up the point that perhaps in some weird way, she deserved it. You know, Karma can be a real bitch.

I forgot to mention I went to Vegas a few weekends ago. First time. First of all it was so damn hot. I know it's the desert but in LA it gets significantly colder at night. I thought all of the west was like that. Not so much. It would be like 110 in the day, and surprisingly a bit humid. Then it would still be like 98 at night. WTF? It was like back east. No escape from the heat!

Second, Jose and I saw a show called "Ka" it's a branch of Cirque Du Soleil. And while I'm watching these half nakes people fly around on a moving stage sans any distinguishable language I thought, "Man I'd love to see the first pitch of this show." You could just see the producer sitting there. Silent. Then, "Get out of my office with that crazy crap." Who thought something so bizarre would be so popular? You can see a little preview here: http://www.mgmgrand.com/ka/?CMP=KNC-Google-MGM_Ka

Third, while walking along the street at night with all these people rocking HUGE containers of alcohol I was amazed at how many pop up bars are set up along the road. We passed this group of guys at one point where there appeared to be some kind of mess on the street. I heard one guy say, "Dude, did you just throw up?" Then the reply, "I might have." He then went for another drink.
Ah, Vegas....

It's been a year that I've been out here hustling to sell my soul to the devil that is Hollywood. I really can't believe it. It's mostly because there are no seasons. I'm all walking around in jeans and a t-shirt in 70 degrees going, "oh its winter?" Cut to 6 months later, same outfit, "oh it's summer?"

I used to think that people who quit the bizz were lacking passion or drive, but now I see that its just really exhausting. You always hear about so and so who took years before making it big. I'm not looking to make it big, I'm looking to make my car payments and rent. But sure, if you'd like me to be famous, sure. I'm down. Shoot me an email, Hollywood Gods. I'll be around.

I think maybe I should quit my job and get me a Star Wars costume. Maybe be the evil emperor, find a way to shoot lightning from my fingers. Get one of those static electricity dome things from Spencer's gift. Just carry that around. Close enough. Then i can be that girl who dresses like an old crazy evil Jedi. That way my dream of being a Jedi is sort of realized in a really sad, pathetic way.

Also speaking of evil Sith Lords, It's my working theory that Dick Chenney is Senator Palpatine. He will totally Force Choke your ass.

Only in Beverly Hills will you find the ice cream man truck in metallic gold...

It is a rare breed that feels at home among the Mercedez and Jaguars.

Last night I had an amazing dream. It pretty much shows how much of a nerd I am but whatevs! So perhaps it was because I wrote a little diddy about Harry Potter that helped trigger this, but I had a dream (much like Dr. King) that Professor Snape and I became friends. And yes that would be the Alan Rickman Snape, aka my faves actor. He was tots in character. And for some reason I was looking at his drawings and paintings and he was next to me, facing away. And I said to him, "I didn't know that you were an artist." And he did this really intimidating, "What?"

I repeated myself and he eventually warmed up to me so that we were chatting about art and other life things. It never came up that he was a wizard. I dont think I was suppose to be a student. And I don't think we were at Hogwarts. However we did get semi chummy. I felt like Lily Potter for a bit - and by the by her and I share the same Bday. Oh SNAP!

It was such an awesome dream that when I woke up before my alarm went off I pushed my alarm time back a few more minutes and hoped to God to go back to that same dream. I'm not really sure it worked but I woke up feeling irrationally giddy.

My name is Colleen Evanson. I'm a nerd and I'm proud.

Please watch...

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809761737/video/3631941/standardformat/

1) Can't believe this is a movie
2) Can't believe I didn't think of it first

Guess who got their sanity back?

No, not Stella. You are confusing sanity with groove...

Anyways I know the mania of Harry Potter has mostly passed but in order to take full advantage of that talking point I'd like to tell everyone that like so many others I get so frustrated while reading it because I'm not a wizard. This is a tragic realization after reading all day and knowing some spells off hand - yes, I'm a nerd. I embrace it. Not sure if I have posted this before but when I do find Hogwarts - be it the real one or the one being built in Florida - I want to apply for a job. Not so much as a professor. Though we all know the Defense Against the Dark Arts job is prob open but I would just spit out Star Wars terms and show the movie as much as possible. Dark Side, Dark Magic - same thing. And I suppose I could do some kind of Muggle studies to explain the world o' muggles. But I'd much rather be able to be a guidence counselor. That way I could be friends with all of them, help figure out what they want to do. Live vicariously through them. Mostly I just want to hang out in the castle. Maybe it will eventually wear off on me and I'll be semi magical. I'm sure I could pick up a spare wand left in the halls. See what happens.

So if any of you have any leads on a job there, let me know.

Please forgive my recent lack of posts. I am currently having a mid life crisis at the age of 23.

But on an amusing note, don't you love when you wake up in the morning and realize the alarm was set for PM not AM. That's fun.

As a New Yorker in the city of LA there are certain things that as a driver I just won't stand for. One is waiting in a huge line to take an exit. As such I will play the part of the "jerk" who drives up until I HAVE to exit and squeeze in line. I don't have the patience to wait 20 mins to exit.

Second I refuse to pay for Valet parking. Half the time they park it in an obvious spot. There is really no need for me to get out of my car, give you the keys, only to have you park it 5 feet away from me. I feel the least they can do is fit into a tight spot or parallel park. Then I'd feel I got my monies worth.

Even better is when I park the car myself and then have to pay them. I might as well go to a parking garage because at least there I don't have to tip. So thank you for parking my car in plain sight and then making me wait 10 minutes for you to get it so I could leave, here is an extra 3 dollars. Jerk.

As such, I will drive around determined not to give it. I don't care if it takes another 20 minutes I will find that free parking on the street. If I want it bad enough I will find it, and alittle walking never hurt anybody.

It is standard in Hollywood to get all the information about new scripts down to the shortest possible summary. Many times people refer to other movies when describing what script they have or are working on. It's mostly phrased as the following:

(INSERT MOVIE) meets (INSERT MOVIE)

a more detailed example for probably the biggest blockbuster idea ever:

HARRY POTTER meets TRANSFORMERS.

My friend Suds and I were discussing how often people use that format to describe new scripts and how ridiculous it is. So we in turn discovered some other phrases we'd like to see happen in Hollywood by using said example above.

1. HP brushes past TRANSFORMERS
2. HP meets TRANSFORMERS for the second time but can't remember TRANSFORMERS name and so refers to TRANSFORMERS as "you" for the rest of their exchange.
3. HP takes TRANSFORMERS out to dinner, TRANSFORMERS thought it was just friends, HP thought otherwise. TRANSFORMER then never returns HP's calls.
4. HP awkwardly hits on TRANSFORMERS in a bar.
5. HP borrows TRANSFORMERS car and goes for joy ride a la FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF.

So we encourage this new unnecessary system. Please feel free to add and change it. Let it grow...

So everyone and their mom wanted to know what I thought of the latest Harry Potter. It came out midnight on Tues and I had Imax tickets for Thurs since Wed was sold out. I figured it would be sold out anyway by the time I got out of work. But no everyone I seem to know was able to get there and then wanted to talk with me about it.

What can I say? I'm a big deal. The people love me.

But back to reality. I enjoyed it but I think people overhyped the end to me. I was told it was "crazy" and many thought it would "blow my mind." It's not that is wasn't awesome, but with all the talk I half expected to be served a chipwich by the cast of the movie.

Sadly that didn't happen.

I will see it again. I sat there in the theatre as the credits rolled going over it all in my head. I just re read the 5th book, aka the longest book I've ever read. It's around 850 pages or so, so of course things had to be cut. Everything seemed like the cliff notes version to me. I kept thinking, wow that was fast. I always want to see more. But overall I was ok with the way they translated it to the screen. And my dream came true of seeing Alan Rickman rock Professor Snape for more than 2 minutes. Hizzah!

The self proclaimed "little people" are demanding for more writing. I say, hold your horses. I can't just write about any ol' thing here. I am an artist! I must be inspired!

Most of my days I spend thinking about how awesome it would be to get paid to do things like eat ice cream, create candy bars with amusing titles, and giving surfing lessons. The person I got mine from usually got paid 120 for 2 hours. Say what?! You don't even need a high school degree for that. We call that street smarts, yo. I need me one of them jobs. Not that I dislike my job but a girl can dream.

Also I highly recommend you all watch Kathy Griffin's my life on the D list. She's hilarious with her self deprecating sassy cursing ways...

I needs me a reality show.

As many of you already know, I don't like spiders. The smaller ones I can handle - and by small I mean you can barely see them. Anything a half inch is out of my league of handling.

Here's my thing...Listen up spiders!

You have ALL of the outside world/wilderness to live in. You could even stay in the basement/garage/attic for all I care. Out of sight, out of mind. And I know I don't go into those rooms enough that it's a problem, but what I am def NOT ok with is rooms in houses I frequent. More specifically - the bathroom. Even more specifically the tub/shower.

I don't like you around me even when I am fully clothed so my distain grows when I am in the buff and consider myself pretty much defenseless against you - again being like a million times bigger doesn't count. You make me resort to washing you down the drain. Do I WANT to kill you? No, not really but I feel you leave me little choice. If I let you live, no doubt I'll lose tabs on you and then you could be anywhere. If I let you out, there's a chance you'll get back in. So that then leaves me with the option of calling someone else in to kill you because I don't want your murder on my conscience. I'm not a monster.

Perhaps we should call some kind of truce or write up a treaty where you agree to stay out of my house/apartment/car and in return I won't hire a henchman (aka my cousin nate/uncle val) to come kill you.

How does that sound? Can you even hear? I know you guys have a lot of eyes and legs but not sure about the ears part. Anyway I'm going to assume you agree. I'll email it to you.

Sellout Update:

I totally rocked at surfing. Stood up on my second wave. My instructor, Carla, said I was a natural.

In other news:

I read something about CSI in the news and it made me think, "how many versions of that show do they have?" Answer: 3. Why not a fourth? How about CSI: Ohio. Think of it. Imagine a killer montage set to a The Who song as the detectives sit around bored in their office, perhaps one plays Snood or Mindsweeper. Or a technician cleans the lab. Someone reads a newspaper. A cop yawns in the squad car.

Intense!

I'll have to mingle with any contacts I can make at Jerry Bruckhimer TV. Wheelin' and dealin'!

It seems I lost my faith all too quickly. Now not only will Paris be back in jail, but she's going for the full 45 days. Glory be! It's a little bit wrong how happy that photo of her crying in the back of the cop car made me feel. So thanks Jesus, or God, or Allah, or Buddha, or Sun God. You are awesome!

I forgot to tell you all that on my lunch break last week I'm pretty sure I passed Jessica Simpson who was sitting down to eat outside with her mom. It looked like her, then I heard her talk. The dumb waves were very powerful.

I can't tell you how tempted I was to roundhouse her in the throat...

Sunday I will officially become a California resident. I've done "lunch" and "drinks" with other Hollywood assistants. It takes me an hour in the morning to drive 13 miles to work. I talk on my cell phone while I walk around Rodeo. I've had celebrity citings. I play Ultimate Frisbee with writers/actors/directors under the Hollywood sign. I've had to use valet. I have to "schedule" people a few weeks in advance. I had to put on sunscreen in Feb. I'm taking improv classes, which is close enough to acting classes.

But now, on Sunday I will go surfing, wet suit and all.

Fear not fellow New Yorkers! I still yell at other cars who clearly don't know how to drive. And of course when I talk I use my hands excessively. And from time to time that accent sneaks in, making others giggle.

I really shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. It seems that once again the rich get to go through the EZ Pass while the rest of us dig for quarters. I usually could care less about what Paris Hilton does but the whole jail thing was a dream come true. Now after 5 whole days she gets house arrest? I said before that her going to jail was proof that God did exist. Now I wonder if I should be an atheist. If it's a test, that's not funny. Don't mess with my hopes and dreams of seeing the rich girl get what's coming to her. And if I run into her in heaven, if there is such a place, she better watch out because I will clothes line her ass.

Today the CA fam and I went down to the Hermosa Pier that was all set up for Memorial Day festivities. They had this cool Toyota Highway of the Future set up that taught you all about how to live green and how hybrids work. As you walk around they give you this card to swipe to use the interactive displays. Each station allows you to gain points that you can claim a prize with later. First one is a recycled pencil - kinda lame. Second is planting a tree - all about forests. Third is a self powering flashlight - I was like YES! Got my points, enough for the flashlight when I thought, you know let's do the world some good and plant a tree in my name. As the display came up asking me to state my name. I hesitated for a second, contimplating if I should make it under the name: Tits Magee. But alas, I did not. But it would have been pretty hilarious if I did.

It's been awhile. I apologize for all those who feel the need to hear from me on a regular basis, but you know what sometimes I feel like you are suffocating me. I mean, I like you and all but you need to back off a bit. I need my me-time, you know? So stop calling me for awhile because otherwise I'll tell you that "we need to talk." Then I'll lay the whole, "let's take a break," thing on you which will eventually lead to me saying, "yeah, I want to break up."

But in other news, last week I was putting some more money in my meter at work when I came across crumbled up money. I looked around, saw no one nearby, so I bent down to pick it up. Only in Beverly Hills would someone drop a 20. I didn't really want to take it, but what choice do I have? Leave it there for some Mercedes driving agent to get it? I think not. I did myself some civil service. Thank you, God. I owe you one.

After I pumped gallon after gallon of gasoline into my car at the Costco station the digital screen told me:

"Protect the Environment and Avoid Spills. Do Not Top Off."

I feel like it's inappropriate for a gas station to be telling me to protect the environment. As if spilling a drop will ruin the crop that grows in the ever abundant concrete fields. It should read:

"Protect the Environment and help fund Doc Brown's Flux Cupacitor or Buy a Hybrid."

Whatever happened to the Best Friend necklace? You know the one, a broken heart that on one side says "Be Fri" and the other "st ends." How come this was only available to me when I was in elementary school and we had our "holiday" shopping at school. Which by the way I purchased a lucky rabbit's foot year after year after getting my dad the generic dad gift, a cheap tool kit that was almost unusable. For mom, it was much easier, cheap earrings. The brother, well I already got a tool set, so maybe another rabbit foot? '

But I digress. Do we not cherish the need to claim our best friends anymore? As we get older our gifts turn to money and gift cards. Why not kick it oldschool and bring back the Best Friend necklace? I feel this is an untapped market that Tiffany's can make a pretty penny on. Then when it becomes the it thing, thanks to those shadow commericals (though that was for De Beer - damn you marketing for making me remember!), it can boost the economy by giving hustlers in NYC something else to make knockoff brands of.

Just imagine a shining 24K gold necklace with Best Friends written in diamonds....or at least you thought it was gold until it turned your neck green. Tricked again! If this happens, please note that you need a new Be Fri.

Today, Friday May 4, 2007 should be marked on our calanders and be remembered for years to come as the day that we held the proof in our hands that God really exists.

Behold, Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail that she can't get out of. I don't know about you but I am beelining it to church....

Also I'd like to update you all on my Battlestar Galactica status.

I held out finishing the last disc of Season 2.5 for about a week which you have to say is rather impressive. Before I get into how I avoided the shakes I'd like to mention that although I love the show, its pretty ridiculous/ingenuis for them to have made Season 2.0 and 2.5 and make me buy both DVD packets seperately for like 30 bucks each. Bastards! They are like crack dealers.

So I finished Season 2.5 and of course it ends in a way that has me exclaiming, "Oh my god." This response comes not just from the well executed finale but the sad reality that I have run out of episodes....
Or have I?

So I start thinking there must be a way around the system because I know there is no way I'm going to be able to hold out until August when Season 3 comes out. Sci-Fi doesn't have an on demand channel I was aware of, but my cousin Nate buys stuff on iTunes. So yes, thank you Steve Jobs for helping me get ma' fix. Low and behold 19 episodes are available for $34.99. Which I of course bought last night at about 11:30pm. And I didn't have the patience to wait for it to fully download before watching it. Come on now. Waiting? That's nonsense. But I haven't finished watching it because

1 it wasn't all downloaded
2 it was 2 hours long
3 I got sleepies

This weekend my cousin Nate and I did an impromptu apartment search in a few areas we heard about from friends. On one we found several signs so we parked to walk around. Low and behold there were a few open houses going on for that day. So we figure, we have nothing to lose. Only when we walked in there are people who are around 30 looking. They all turn to look at these 20 somethings coming in. Imediately you know that you can't afford this. The landlord lady welcomes you anyway. You continually say, "wow this is nice." or "look at all this space."

You can't just pivot and leave, that's rude, you've already made eye contact. So instead you wonder and fake interest, looking at the space as quickly as possible. In the end it was genuinely quite nice and well priced at $2,200/mo but not affordable for kids getting on their feet. We need a place with more "character." You know, broken stove, leaky toilet, no parking garage. Perhaps a crazy neighbor who screams a lot. Basically, the diamond in the rough.

A couple of things:

1. Last week it was so windy in LA...You respond, "How windy was it?!" Well studio audience it was SO windy that I was being pushed from the wind. At one point I tried to stand still as the wind blew my hair and clothes all over the place. I felt like Storm from XMen. Also I had to laugh as I tried to talk to lunch because a few times I had to lean over to avoid being knocked around. If I stuck around longer I'm sure I could have figured out a way to fly but I only have an hour.

2. I read that Universal Studios Florida is closing the Back to the Future ride. This is not ok on SO many levels. First of all, if you are a frequent reader you know what that movie means to me. Sure it gave me false hope at flying cars and flux cupassidors but it did give me hope. Now not only will there not be cars that fly by using garbage in real life but I can't enjoy imagining what it would be like to drive one while trying to escape being eaten by a T-Rex at an overpriced theme park. This is tragic. The only plus is that I now live in California and they aren't planning on closing that one anytime soon. If they do I'll at least think about getting an online petition before forgetting about it a week later. But we all know it's the thought that counts.

I have to say that one of the more ridiculous things ever made by man is the kid leash. I could just see a mom thinking, "You know, I really hate having to actually hold my child in order to keep an eye on them. There must be a way for me to do this and avoid actually touching them. After all the thing did spend 9 months in me, I need a break. Need my space, at least keep the thing a foot away. I'd like the option of leaving my kid tied to a parking meter while I run into Rite Aid."

Well guess what worse mom ever, the solution is here!

I was going to go into a rant about where you can purchase such a product but I honestly don't know. I feel like Babies R Us would be against it, maybe you could find it hidden away at a pet shop.

My Friday was spent at Disneyland. Mostly went to do the Star Tours ride where my nerd out level was dangerously high. Any ride that promotes the ice planet Hoth as a vacation get away is pretty much the best ride ever. Later on while in the Frontier section of the park I saw a lot of people walking around with giant turkey legs. I won't lie, I judged them. But then I passed the stand selling them and saw they were only 6 bucks - that's a steal! Those people were just making cost effective purchases, especially when you consider that one churro (totally delish) was 3 bucks.

We also took a fake amazon tour full of robotic animals almost splashing me on this boat. The tour guide was hilariously sarcastic and dry which pretty much made the ride. Towards the end this woman and I made eye contact. She held her gaze and then said to me, "You look just like that girl from Star Wars." Immediately I was like - Carrie Fisher? She goes, "From the newest ones...Padme." I replied, "Natalie Portman?" She goes, "Yes. Anyone told you that before? Doesn't she look like her." She then surveyed some people on the boat who agreed.

Now I won't deny that I'm pretty hot and I don't mind being compared to Natalie Portman, but I'm sorry but I disagree. I think it might be LA because I have been told I look like other people a lot more out here. They have no reference that people can just look like ordinary people, they must look like one of them celebrities that are everywhere. However I'm sure once the movie script about my life is written and green lit, that she'll be first on the list, that or as someone else told me, Kiera Knightly. Maybe if I did't eat for a year I'd look like Kiera.

Until then I'll continue to believe that I'm the spitting image of Estelle Getty.

Currently I can't get enough of Battlestar Galactica. It's not as dorky as you think. Here's how you know you are an official fan. Since the show airs on Sci-Fi and not HBO where you can curse they substitute the F bomb with the word "Frack." When you first start watching the show you are like, "umm, what did they say? Did they make up that word? Man that's nerdy." But after a few episodes you find yourself amused when they use it and will sometimes use it yourself. Welcome to the glory of being a Battlestar Galactica nerd.

However, I am going to run into a problem soon. You see I bought season one and burned through it. Then ran over to Best Buy and got all of season two. I'm almost done with that and season three isn't out yet. I might go into a coma. Or at least get the shakes when I haven't gotten my fix. And soon I'll have to wait a whole week til I get to see new episodes. This simply won't do. As such I will need someone to kidnap me. Then hold me hostage and say you'll kill me unless the producers from the show let me work there so I know what's going to be happening before it does and I get to watch all the new episodes right away. I might just kidnap myself. It's that or a coma. I figure I'll have to be in it for 4 or 5 years so when I get out all the seasons are available right away for my viewing pleasure. Until then, life simply isn't worth living....

Let's talk about the Cadbury Bunny for a moment.

You know its Easter time when a white rabbit bucks like a chicken on your TV set. Overall the chocolate bunny and hiding eggs really makes no sense whatsoever. I'd like to know who it was to come up with this idea. God must have been like, "Are you kidding?!"

It would make more sense if all the candy we ate somehow was digested without adding any pounds onto us. A true Easter miracle! Someone should really pitch that to Jesus. I mean it's not really fair when candy companies take seemingly healthy food items and make them ridiculous bad for you. I will list a few examples:

1. The Cadbury egg. Eggs are usually not too bad for you but they were all, "what if we wrapped it in chocolate and then filled the inside with sugar that looks like yoke!" And if that's not bad enough Reese's goes and does TWO versions of the egg. One has a hard sugar shell with peanut butter on the inside. The other is a bigger version of the Reese's peanut butter cup just shaped as an egg. You need some serious will power to avoid having either.

2. Jelly Beans. Let's get rid of all that gross protein and substitute it with a sugar version of a pina colada. Delish! On a side note I'd like to say that I find the popcorn flavored beans a bit disturbing to eat.

3. Peeps. Yeah, take that chicken! I would only like genetically altered hormones in my chicken, thank you very much.

I would like to address the wonder that is the school picture. Yes, that time of the year when you do yourself up aReal nice and wear the shirt your mom picked out. Then you smile like a tool and hope you don't look stupid because that picture is going out to all the relatives to post on the wall.

I really love that even though I never really cared about the picture I was always excited to choose the background. All I really remember were two options that are vastly different. One was the fake library full of non descript books, the other was a grey background with criss crossing pink and blue lazers. Of course when I was young all I wanted was the lazers because, I mean cmon, how bad ass is that? But you could tell who ever made it was at the peak of their Tron phase. This background was, and I feel pretty confident assuming this, made in the 80s. I say this mostly because 80s ideas of the future are only cool in the 80s. But now that I am in the future, lazers look pretty dumb.

Personally I think it would be pretty sweet if school pictures could get photoshoped after the fact. Not in a vain way where everyone's skin would be flawless. I am thinking more along the lines of like an iPod commercial. Make the background really colorful and then the person be solid black....

with an ipod shuffle around my neck, very academic of course.

I was around a toy store recently and it made me think of the Super Toy Run Nickelodeon used to do. I think it was once every few months some kid would get picked to run through a Toys R Us for about 5 mins and whatever they could fit into the cart they got to keep.

I used to have that whole store planned out in my head in case I ever won. Which I didn't, probably because I didn't really enter the raffle. But my stategy was to go down some key isles with my arm out so I would just knock stuff in as I went by. Which isles? Well: gameboy games, nerf weapons, bike, legos, and of course to mini jeep powerwheels.

If you want to hear the saddest story ever, one christmas I was probably about 5 and had my heart set of getting a powerwheels truck from Santa. When I didn't get it I told my parents, "I guess I wasn't good enough this year."

Ouch, take that! I'm sure I have an equal guilt trip coming my way if/when I have kids. But maybe I'll keep a leg up on them and just won't ever have any. That way I can spend all my money on me and have several powerwheels. I'll be like the poor man's Jay Leno with my "collection" of cars. And maybe I could get Al Gore to endorse me if I start driving it to work.

That reminds me. This weekend I had a dream that I went to a Ford dealership to tune up my car or something and it turns out I won a free car. I wanted an electric one but they didn't have much except like golf carts. So I was wondering around this dealership feeling really unsatisfied and then wondering if it was a con. Even when I woke up afterward I was skeptical and started thinking, "did I even read the fine print on that deal?"

I wonder if any guys have ever tried to wax off their facial hair. I totally would if it meant I didn't have to shave my bread everyday. Though I'm sure it would leave your face a tad bit red afterwards, but that might look kind of cool. And maybe if you meet up with some friends right afterwards you would get a cool nickname like Blood Beard.

That is, of course, assuming that all your friends are pirates.

I recently watched Who Killed the Electric Car? And it once again made me want to get into doc work again, sticking it to the man and getting out the word. Be a part of something that motivates people to do something about an important issue...until the new Ugly Betty comes on and then they forget all about them world troubles.

But it's got me to thinking, obviously this gas thing is becoming a problem. Um, 3.20 a gallon, is this a big inside joke? Will there be coupons? Oh, and it's only going to get worse? Great. Wait, the exhaust can give me asthma? Where does the fun end?!

So that made me think what else can we try to use to replace oil? There's the obvious choice of air but that's too easy. Then maybe something fun like candy, but let's me honest we'd rather eat that. Garbage is too gross to go digging though, I ain't no homeless man! Perhaps soup, there's usually plenty of sodium in there. Or how about rocks? You can't really run out of those. But I think the best thing that's a renewable source is love. Awww shucks!

It's renewable until something better catches out eye....

oh snap, I went there.

Well I say screw it. If we're going to have to pay top dollar for this oil junk then there better be diamonds in it. That at least justifies it. But when you pull into the Thrify Gas station (and yes that is the name) and it's just as much as Chevron you are like, oh man this is bad.

The best solution is to just not pay for the gas and WILL my car to work without it.

You know that you are starting to really settle into a new place when you start being able to spot the "regulars." Over at work in the ol' Beverly Hills area there are many things that were new to me. All the Mercedez, Jaguars, even BMWs - aka Fancy Pants cars. Additionally seeing palm trees every where is still really cool to me.

But while on my walks during lunch I have run into an interesting person time and time again. I don't talk to her, but I see her about once a week. This woman is short and thin with shoulder length unkept/frizzy hair. Her clothes indicate to me that she's not homeless, but is a bit behind the times as she often rocks out in stirrup pants and white ked shoes.

However the thing that makes her stand out is the fact that every 10-20 feet she starts to jog. She jogs for about 30 seconds, then stops. Walks some more. Then jogs again. It's very bizarre. At first I thought well this is just a woman in a hurry but EVERY TIME I see her that's what she does.

One day I'd like to just trail her and see where she's going. Is she on a break from work? Is she casually running away from home? Is this a new exercise craze I am unaware of? Perhaps I should call a local news station to solve this mystery.

I think movie reviews would be more interesting if they started saying more things like:

The New York Times calls Zodiac, "Pretty good."

"That girl for that TV show does a decent job."

"It's better to catch a matinee because it's not really worth the full price."

"Wait til it comes out on DVD."

I wonder how crickets feel about being the universally recognized sound for awkward pauses after unsuccessful jokes and/or the soundtrack of boredom. Not sure how that came to be. If you notice it is always placed in movies/tv shows when people are INSIDE. For instance, awkward dinner date - crickets. That's not the proper background sound! What made someone think that the lovely sound of crickets would make sense to put there. Another example, someone home alone INSIDE the house - crickets. WHAT?!

I'd be outraged as a cricket. My music, my life songs, being used so illogically, slandering my good insect name. I am more than a creature that fills the summer air with song. I should be used for a romantic moment. I don't belong indoors. I don't want to be your plucky comic relief. I demand to be taken seriously! Crickets unite! We must form a union so The Man can no longer take advantage of us! Yes our exoskeleton may be easily crushed by the weight of his foot but we can hide in small spaces and drive him mad with our music. Let's see how funny we are after a week of restless sleep.

So it took me a few more days but here's my follow up about Paper Boy for GameBoy. OK, first of all I'm not sure how and why someone thought this was going to be awesome. I think it got through because before that there was only really tetris. Second of all, you didn't really get points for delivering the actual papers. I remember just letting tons of papers fly as I passed a house so I could break as much stuff as possible - mostly windows. Third, I LOVED how as the days went on it got harder to deliver the papers aka mess up the neighborhood. I guess neighborhood watch was onto me. Monday a dog might chase me a bit and I'd have to watch out for that skateboarder on the sidewalk. Tuesday a car passes by and some old lady chases me with her bag. Wednesday suddenly gets very odd when a small self contained tornado hits. Thursday was usually around the time that Death himself would show up with his crazy curved sword. Yeah that's right, an old lady with a bag and Death are in the same neighborhood as the skateboard kid. WHAT!?

Then I remember at the end of the week, if you made it (thank you Game Genie), you got to an obstacle course made just for paper boys/girls. There was a main trail with some hills and off to the side were these big hoops you try to get the papers through. This would make sense as perhaps a beginning course but no its at the end, after I have already proved my skills at breaking many windows - which requires little to no skill level since all you really have to do is hit the B button tons of times.

After that point I honestly don't remember what happens. Maybe I win a prize? Get my face on the cover of the newspaper, which if that does indeed happen, man it must be Mayberry. Here's the scoop from Main Street USA!

You know what game I do remember being surprisingly impossible? The Little Mermaid. I actually got it as a gift and thought, oh man this will be so easy. Yeah I don't think I ever made it past the third level. It's hard making your way around as a hot half lady half fish.
draft

I'm sure you are all familiar with the technological wonder that is nintendo. Forget about the Wii, I'm talking oldschool here. Nintendo Mario was where it's at. Here's the thing, I used to play the first few level but when it came to the evil castle I couldn't handle it. The music, the gray cell walls, the fire balls. That's when I passed the burden on to my dad. He was quiet a trooper. Beating the hardest levels without ever going through those mushroom guys. Speaking of, what a pitful existence. Walking mushroom man, no defenses, easily flattened.

But I digress. What I really wanted to talk about was that "secret" passage that everyone knew about. You know the one. In the dungeon level, stay on the elevating iron board, jump over and there are pipes that take you to the world of your chosing. Honestly I feel bad for whoever made those worlds because no one ever played them. Sometimes you'd be like oh let me check out the water world just for kicks. But otherwise you went right to to hardest level to beat the game. But this was pretty ridiculous because jumping from world 2 to world 6...uh, the bad guys are a bit more advanced. Who is that guy in the cloud and how does he fit all those spikey guys in there? But more disturbing, why won't he leave me alone?

Thus ends todays video game rant. Tomorrow I shall tackle the ridiculouness that is Paper Boy for Game Boy.

Class dismissed.

While watching Wheel of Fortune, two things occurred to me.

1. If I was on that show and won big I would make sure I had the show taped and watched it again and again in order to boost my self esteem when I was feeling down. Every so often I would most likely burst out - I WAS ON THE WHEEL!

2. One of the puzzles was before and after: Oprah's Book Club Sandwich
You know you are a big deal when you get a puzzle on the wheel o fortune. She don't need no awards!

Also I'm not sure what the weight list is to be a contestant but I'm sure it's really frustrating if you spent like a month studying up on useless knowledge and watching reruns and then get out done by some soccer mom who never lands on Bankrupt and wins all the prizes you dream about. So close and yet so far.

There should be more beauty products out there for men. Yes I'm sure you can say, but men don't really care about their hair or skin. And I say, well I watched a bunch of Queer Eye in my day and I think the boys would have something to say about that. It's about time that all men, not just the gay ones, get to see commercials telling them to watch out for the age spots.

If I was a guy I'd feel left out of not being pressured into being more self conscious. I mean sure its nice to know that if I'm overweight but have a good sense of humor, more than likely I can get a hot sitcom wife...but I'd wish some of those Kristy Ally-Jenny Craig commercials were telling me that I could still enjoy my chocolate mousse and look good. I'd want to know what if felt like to have an eating disorder. Ho-Hum, what are you to do?

Well maybe you can just feel overwhelmed by those adorable leads on the CW shows.

You know who I'm getting really tired of? That automated voice woman from cell phone voicemails. You know what lady, phones have been around long enough that I know how to use it and how to leave a message. I am not crippled by the sound of a beep so badly that I have no idea what to do. Guess what? No one really leaves their name or number, they mostly go for the brief message since the person they are calling probably has the number stored in the phone. It's a little something called "contacts." Look it up! Also there have been many a time that I have left long semi incoherent ramblings on voicemails so please do excuse me if I don't heed your advice. For a robot, you are pretty dumb.

OMG! Have you guys heard? Obama's friend Gaffen totally dissed Hilary. He was all like, "she's a crazy ho, I hate her."

and then Hilary was like, "oh no you didn't. Obama you bes not take his monies or I will bitch slap you."

Obama goes all, "You trippin', he' ain't really ma friend. Shoot."

Gaffen heard him and is like, "I'm rich bitch!"

Then Hilary was all, "Bring it!"

Obama tried to be diplomatic but then was like, "I'm not afraid of no white ho!"

And an intense threeway slap fight began. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera with me or you'd see that ish on youtube in a heartbeat. Probs even CNN is they pay up. But it happened. Scouts honor.

It's official Britney Spear has lost her DAMN mind. How many sane women do you know who have shaved heads? Think for a minute. And no, you don't know Natalie Portman so that doesn't count. Plus she did that for a movie.

Then she, Britney, went and got a tattoo. Sealing the deal as a biker lesbian.

Now I don't know if you were forced to read that short story in high school english about the young guy who gets peer pressured into getting a tattoo. He doesn't even look, just picks out a random one. Just so happens to be a blue bird. Very manly. And he winds up regretting it. Shock, surprise.

Although I'm not planning on getting a tattoo, if I did I'd make sure it was something that I liked. But see, I'm very fickle. Also I wouldn't want there to be a chance of being judged so out goes my mural of The X Files and Star Wars. But I do like sugar cookies. Perhaps I could rock a sugar cookie. Thems delish!

Either way I wouldn't think to put lips on my wrist as one bald/crazy Spears did. Unless the lips were eating a sugar cookie. Then I MIGHT consider it.

For all who don't know you can get a video dose of me if you go to Google and search for California Update under the video tab.

Rinse and Repeat.

Also search Bootleg Series for an amusing take on Jaw, Titanic, and Star Wars.

I get why we have dead presidents on our money to pay tribute and all, but I think we can make it better. I feel one person can trump all the Jacksons and dare I say – Benjamins. Ever heard of some guy named GOD?

That’s right I’m proposing we put God money into circulation. God money would force people to be financially responsible and frown upon using it for socially immoral investments. It would be a bit harder to buy those drugs and that hooker if you had to hand over god money. God would be all looking and you and waging his finger. Think about the impact it could have on mob activity.

It could benefit the common folk as well. People would really think before splurging. Do I really need that plasma tv? I dunno that’s a whole lot of God, even with the down payment of the holy ghost and mother mary.

Also what if we start making some Jesus pennies? I don’t think we’d continue to debate whether or not we should get rid of them.

It’s a goal of mine to get famous enough that when I die there can be a really cheesy montage set to light piano keys. This montage will hopefully be full of clips from past movies or tv appearances I have done featuring:

Turning around and being surprised by an old friend who makes me smile
Trying to explain myself out of a sticky situation
As a cop
Getting hit in the face with a pie
As a doctor
Making an “I Don’t Think So” face
As a lawyer
Gazing off solemnly into the distance
Tearfully embracing a man
Waving goodbye in slow motion
And of course saying that famous line of mine in that super hit movie:
“Well, I guess I’ll see you around…” as I slide on some sunglasses
Hopefully after that place it will cross dissolve into me walking away alone into the distance. That or I continue to wave out the window of an old train as it pulls out of the station.

Naturally afterwards there is an honorary award named after me. The Colleen Evanson Tot Aws award. That has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

Despite the 80s I feel pretty confident in stating that in the world of today the only acceptable time one would be allowed to sport a wind suit is if one's occupation was an elementary school gym teacher. You know the type. Neon bright combinations of pink, yellow, and silver/grey placed strategically along the fabric to create ever so flattering zig zag lines. Naturally the jacket matches the swishy pants. Finish it off with a pair of white keds and the whistle necklace.

I don't know about you but our teacher would write our names on the chalkboard and if we were lucky enough to accurately execute the art of dodgeball - you'd get a star. A gold star? Oh no, much better than that. A chalk star. That's right. I got a few in my day.

But I digress. I wonder where exactly you can find a track/wind suit now a days except a thrift store. Is there a special cateloge or store? Perhaps something along the lines of doctor clothes. A place you are free to shop without people thinking you are MC Hammer.

I'm sure that's really what Dr. Martin Luther King was talking about when he said, "I have a dream..." You probably think it had something to do with equal rights for black people but he was really talking about wind pants. That's a little known fact, Jack. You've just been brainwashed by "school." PSSSHT What a joke. All you really need is The Learning Channel and an active imagination and/or ADHD.