This is now old news but I have moved and in trying to update all my info with the proper channels I am not satisfied with the DMV or the Post Office. Shocker! You know, I love me the internet it makes our lives easier. To be honest, I barely remember what we did without Google Maps. I mean, calling someone on the phone and relying on THEM to tell you how to get to their house? It was like the Dark Ages.

Naturally I went to the online websites to achieve my goal of the address update. I already updated my bank account stuff. So it's really annoying when you input ALL your info on these sites and then it tells me to verify my info they'll use my bank stuff. I think, great this is almost done. NOPE. There was an error, info doesn't match. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills as I try over and over again.

Now I have to resort to filling out an ACTUAL form and MAILING IT. I think this is a conspiracy by the Post Office to justify their existence in our technology relying society. It's either that or someone stole my ID. I feel like Sandra Bullock in The Net.

First I would like to start by asking, is there anything sketchier than a flickering florescent light? Please avoid at all costs especially if considering a motel/hotel as you'll likely be murdered if you go inside.

Second, sorry for my absence as of late, but I'm glad to see that Obama was able to get some ish done while I was done. You know, I think most of the senate and house o' reps read my blog on the regular so when I didn't post anything they had to focus on this heath care business. They were like, "well she's not writing any hilarious little dittys so I suppose I'll do my job..." It's true that happened, I bugged the office Nixon style!

It's probably also my blogs fault that there is overpopulation, pollution, depedence on foreign oil, and Jar Jar Binks. What have I done? Eh, oh well, sorry World but I'mmo keep on trucking it. Take that Green Peace!

On a side note I was asked today by a Green Peacer if I had time to talk about the Rainforest today. I couldn't like to her so I said, "I do but not right now." Let's be honest, it won't be a talk it'll be a speech that would end up in me not giving them money and feeling guilty. But you know what, I try to do the best I can. And if you're gonna pull that, go somewhere else, don't preach to the choir at a Los Angeles Farmer's Market. I mean I biked there! Damn guilt trippin' treehugging hippies!

Last night around 4am or so I awoke to a little shakey shake of the bed. Lo and behold we had ourselves a little earthquake. However, I was so sleepy at the time it barely registered to me what happened. It was like having a weird dream and then forgetting about it when you wake up. Then the memory of it as triggered when my roommate asked if I felt it. And my brain thought, "oh ok, that DID happen. Good, we're not completely insane....yet."

This wasn't my first earthquake but it might have been the biggest I've felt in my 3 and half years out on the west coast. Earthquakes are weird things. It's nearly impossible to predict when they'll hit which is a fear that keeps many away from Los Angeles. And keep 'em out! It's too damn crowded here anyways. (Rant: the city is really terribly planned it's like no one realized that EVERYONE would want to live in a place with ideal weather).

Regardless, I don't have any type of emergency kit for myself. Just got my wits about me. Though there was a time when I'd analyze all the rooms I went into to figure out the best place to go if one hit. Instinctually I'd go up against objects like a bed or desk so if anything fell it could create a type of pocket. Might sound paranoid but I felt validated when a co-worker said that's what you're supposed to do. I'm like an emergency genius!

I also have faith in myself to figure it out as one time I basically MacGyvered my car back together on the way back from college. The exhaust pipe on the "good car" gave out about an hour into my 5 hour drive, dragging against the pavement in the middle of the car. So I found a bungie cord thing (technical name) to hold it up until it snapped off around New York City and then I wrapped the jumper cables around the OUTSIDE of the car. Ghetto fabulous. Needless to say I got home in one piece but wicked pissed shouting at my parents, "Thank God I'm smart!"

Daylight Savings has robbed me of my sleepy time! I will not stand for this. I shall protest by going to bed "earlier" tonight.

In other news I realized that if/when I become a really big deal and have lawyers and accountants that I'll incorporate myself, probs for tax reasons, and I will either call it:

1. Damn The Man, Inc.
2. Big Bad Corporation

Those are my faves right now, let me know if you have any other suggestions. However, immediate disqualification for anything using "Your Mom," as it's just too predictable and overused.

Attention people of Earth! It is REALLY important that you watch this clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFicqklGuB0

I would have provided the link directly on the page except it's too big so now I'm making you work for it. That's right! It may be Friday but that doesn't mean you can get everything your heart desires at a click of the mouse.

However I'd like to say that on most Fridays I feel completely justified in not working out, having a big dinner that makes me feel full to the point of regret, and then going the extra distance with dessert. It's almost like all the additional calories don't count because hey, it's Friday. I EARNED IT.

Now that I'm driving 50 miles a day I realize how much I hate LA drivers. This is nothing new but it's just more apparent to me now. Basically no one should be driving except me and a select group of friends and co-workers. I basically need to run for office to be Queen of the Universe. I'd be an awesome dictator.

Mandatory watching of GOOD tv, see you later dumb reality shows (aka The Hills). Forced midday work naps. Execute Paris Hilton, this character named Snookie, Ryan Seacrest, and Glenn Beck. Re-instate Conan O'Brien. Free chipwich Fridays (ice cream sandwiched between two cookies of your choosing). Disband the Democrates and Republicans and form a new gov't called Awesometown, where we aim to keep it real. Demand flying energy efficient cars, DeLorean or no. Outlaw autotuning of songs. Discontinue air sealed plastic wrapping of products. And have a redo of the Seinfeld finale. I mean, jail? Really? Also while we're on the subject, Lost would need to prove they aren't going to piss me off when they wrap up and I won't allow the season to end until there is a satisfying ending. So get your ish together!

And that's just for my first month! Image what I can do for a few years or at least til I'm bored and don't want to do it anymore. My contract will have a golden parachute clause. I'm kinda fickle; please see above.

As someone who works in Hollywood or H-wood, many would be SHOCKED to hear I didn't see any of the Oscars from last night. But you know what? I'm glad I didn't spend 3 hours of my life watching it. It's much easier to wait til it's over and watch the highlights and read the winners. However I did experience something that only those of us in the H-wood area could witness.

Yesterday I was moving the last of my stuff from my old apartment with a friend of mine. We had to drive through the area and there were a bunch of people standing around on the corner. My friend commented how annoying the protesters are each year and looked to see what it was this year they were complaining about.

One man was in his mid-30s and had two signs. One said: FAG OSCARS. The other said: GOD HATES FAGS. Now the hatred I understand the racist logic in but what exactly does Fag Oscars mean? The Oscars are full of fags or are you suggesting they start the very first Annual Fag Oscars next year? Because that could happen. Also, way to be a 15 year old bully from gym class.

Then not too far from Mr. Hater was a 30s ish woman with two signs as well. One read: GOD HATES JEWS. Which OK, Jesus was a Jew so what the hell are you talking about? Did you get out of a time machine from the 40s because that's some oldschool WWII hatin'. Then the other said: NO PEACE FOR THE WICKED. The whole thing seemed like faulty logic, probably because it's also CRAZY logic. But you are basically implying that you believe in peace and yet you are selective of who gets this peace; clearly the gays and the jews aren't a part of it because they ruin EVERYTHING!

White people are crazy.

Usually I'm not a fan of running for no reason, hence I've always enjoyed sports. Yet since it's been raining every weekend I haven't been able to play soccer on my weekend league. California needs to get it's act together. This is just unacceptable.

So I have been forcing myself to enjoy running and turns out when you get a better tolerance for it, it's quite enjoyable. Since I just moved to a new area I've been jogging around to check out what's around. You know restaurants, coffee shops, drug dealers. The usual.

The runs always start off a little tough because my body fights it, and thinks it's a bad idea. It makes me think about other things I could be doing like watching tv or eating. But I power though thanks to some mad phat beats, as the kids say. (Translation: music). Then I get into a rhythm and feel really good. Suddenly I hit my goal distance wise but feel good and keep going.

Well last night I thought I'll just check out part of this one street, then make my way back up and loop back to my apartment. I get to the checkpoint street and it's closed. So I ran like another 2 miles. But I did it! And found where the famous Henry's Taco's is. I plan to eat some of those in the not too distant future.

Speaking of food I needs to eat dinner. But I have to confess, if I only had to eat cereal for the rest of my life I would be OK with that. The end.

I watched The Bachelor last night. Now I'd like to have the record show that I am not a regular of such reality shows. I'm WAY too snobby about TV to get sucked in but some friends were going to watch the finale and snacks were involved so I didn't want to be rude...

One girl was the clear favorite. Perhaps you've seen in the media already. But to me she was like a mix of a Disney character and a robot who was always happy and talked in a Minnie Mouse like voice. She was, of course, super hot.

The other girl was kinda like, I guess, the trashy whore. She didn't get along with many of the other women on the show because she "kept it real." Naturally I was rooting for her. Turns out dreams really can come true because he picked her, much to the dismay of all the other girls I watched it with.

I find it all very amusing that we get so invested in these reality show relationships like we know them. How can you really find love on an over produced TV show? Are you still going to love each other when you aren't on a remote island or going to restaurants via helicopter? Just sayin'.

But I think the BEST part was that they titled this season "On The Wings Of Love" based on the song of same title. Of course we sang that line whenever possible. And at the end of the whole thing, when the heartbreak was done, and the proposal was made, they had a follow up half hour all about what we JUST saw. And there was a surprise for the happy couple.

Wait for it...

These lovebirds got to slow dance in front of a studio audience as Jeffrey Osborne sang "On The Wings of Love." It was awkwardly amazing, lame lighting effects n all. Overall a true sight to behold.

Today I took a stroll over to a friend's apartment after work. As I got acquainted with the new neighborhood I noticed a man walking brisky nearby. We both arrived at an intersection around the same time. The light was about to change so I decided to wait but he decided to go for it. He was a little husky so I was surprised how fast he made it across. I wondered where he was going in such a hurry. Perhaps a run to CVS or grocery store for milk.

The light changed. I crossed and being the fast walker I am, caught up with him. We approached a Wienerschnitzel and I noticed he put his hand to his back pocket as if to check his wallet. Yep, it's there. He did a little twinkle toes move of excitement and I thought, "Don't tell me he's THAT excited for a semi-sketchy hot dog." Turns out he was.

What happens to you when that is the highlight of your day? Ice-cream I can understand but Weinerschnitzel. It just sounds ridiculous.

I can't beleaf it's Thursday already. However, I CAN beleaf it's not butter.

Today I'm going to some snazzy Sushi place for dinner with my brother. I've heard only great things about it so I got some high hopes and will make sure to eat my face off. Literally, my face will fall off from all the food consumed. Then I'll have to do EXTREME surgery to get it back all. It'll never be the same.

Sorry for my delay. I have been quite busy as of late with a new trabajo, mi hermano in town, and having to move to a new apartamento. I might have made up that last word. The others you can look up. Spanglish is fun!

I'm currently driving like a bajillion miles a day in my car since I got the new digs. This is common for most in the LA area, except I rode my bike ALL the time previously. So now in order to feel semi active, I try to flex my stomach and tap my legs to the mad phat beats of my mix CDs but I don't think that is enough to burn off the calories of a cupcake. So tragic.

It has been decided amongst friends last night that there MUST be a puppy channel. Full of adorable puppies doing such things as:

Running (through snow/fields/beach)
Being afraid to jump off the couch
Barking for a treat
Sleeping with other puppies
Looking back and forth at a toy off screen
Wearing puppy sweaters
Staring at a TV with a kitty on it

Segway into Kitty Channel, coming this Fall!

We feel it can be much like the yule log that runs during the Christmas season. It's just on as a default channel. Either that or it can run at night against informercials and to make money we can scroll ads/logos along the bottom. Most likely it'll be sponsored by Petco. Eventually it can be a whole network full of baby animals. Including giraffes trying to get their legs under them for the first time. There will be zanky elevator type music, you know, the stuff you hear on America's Funniest Videos. Perhaps we can even get Bob Saget to host....?

This is a gem sweater of a concept. Don't steal my idea, people of the internets, or I'll be aReal annoyed.

I saw this Old Spice commercial the other day and was so amused by it I watched it again. In case you haven't seen it, I think you should.



Now you can impress all your co-workers at the water cooler with your know how of current pop culture events. How hip are you?

Let's talk about the Olympics for a second. Have you guys seen the "sport" where people cross country ski and then shoot stuff? I watched it on the TVs over the weekend, thoroughly confused. How is this an OLYMPIC event?

My aunt claimed it was something people in the Netherlands (or whatever) did years ago as a lifestyle; ski around and kill some animals to bring back to the fam. OK, I get the tradition but we don't hunt for food anymore. Currently they shoot at these targets.

Suggested improvement: dress people up as animals and shoot them with a paintball gun while on snow mobiles.

Now THAT I would watch.

I heart three day weekends.

A lot going down in my world at the moment. I got a new job as an assistant to two showrunners on an ABC family show. The big check minus is that it's currently 40 miles away from my apartment. And that's just one way.

So I'm now going to be moving...to the valley.

GASP! No!

Yes, it's true. A move I never expected but it will cut my round trip commute to 50 miles. My biking to work days are over. I will now join the masses who spend hours in their car, yelling at the morons in their way.

I could move closer but then I'd be surrounded by NOTHING and NO ONE would visit. Or at least I'd never visit anyone in the deep valley, unless they had a kick ass pool. Which my new apartment will. Score.

I heard a really great backhand compliment yesterday while waiting to donate blood. There is this donation truck that comes by our offices every 6 months or so and I decide to do a good deed for a free movie ticket and a cookie. It's a nice barter system.

Since I work on a small studio lot many people walk by to see what the hub bub is all about. Naturally, the people running the donation center capitalize on this. So this one skinny chick, possibly an actress, walks by. When asked to participate she said and I quote:

"I can't. I don't weight enough."

To which I replied under my breath, "Shut up."

With Vday 'round the corner I'm looking forward to awkward vday themed plotlines on some of my fave comedy shows and lifetime movies.

I can't believe how much of a "thing" Vday is now. I mean it's not even a real day. Way to go Hallmark. I need to work there so I can convince them to create Cookie Day or Pretend To Be Sick To Get Out Of Work Day or Shameless Come Ons Day.

While in High School my friends on the track team (yeah I ran track!) used to jokingly "hit on" our super sweet married coach. Randomly in the middle of practice we'd be like, "Mr. Young, do you have a bandaid?" Then he'd look concerned that you hurt yourself and ask what happened. We'd reply, "I scratched my knee when I fell for you." Then he'd get a big ol' grin and with a hand motion say, "ohh you!"

He was the greatest.

This weekend I didn't bother to watch the Superbowl. Mostly because I forgot and then realized when the grocery stores were insane. Must buy food!

I did however help to invent a new word. While hanging out with a friend we combined two things; magicians and lesbians to become....

Magibians.

By definition magibians are lesbians but only for the duration of their magic act. So there might be some extra smiles or suggestive winking while that assistant is sawed in half.

Now later on in the day I was rather sleepy and my friend showed me a poster that read: THE MAGIBIANS. On either side was a semi nude photo of a woman and there a bunch of copy referring to a magic show in some hotel. At the bottom was a website. The combination of sleepy and being more gullible then I'd like to admit made me naturally ask:

"Did you go to magibians.com?!"

He then proceeded to laugh hysterically at my sincerity. He obvs made the poster. But stranger things have been found on the interwebs. Or at least that was my defense.

Today while killing some time during the "wait" section of the "hurry up and wait" part I randomly got the song "Shake It Fast" by Mystikal in my head. Namely the chorus. Naturally the co-worker I was with looked up the song lyrics so we could fully appreciate the wonder of this hip hop ballad to the ladies.

Behold:

I'm comin' with the fire like Aiyaaa! - What an ethnic name.
Chocolate and bowlegged, runnin' up behind ya - You know how hard it is to run bowlegged? You better stretch first. PS; Thanks for the chocolate.
Go 'head, get down, pop lock at the rockhouse - AKA my Saturday nights.
Girl, don't lie, you know you wanna go back to my house - I don't.
Man right'cher wanna get under that dress right there - If you're going to use right'cher once, why even bother to say it right later? It's insulting to ebonics.
Spicy cajun, we gon have a good time over there - I prefer spicy thai.
You better stick a head on that there crawfish - What?
You gotta bend all the way over to dance off this - Again, what?
Handle your business, 'cuz you know he do it way better - Business as in finances.
You're dead wrong - Are you arguing with yourself?
So if you totin' by and brothers make noise when you pass by - Totin'? not a word, sorry.
get on the dance floor girl, - You can't tell me what to do!
'Cuz this your song - I'm more of an Annie Lennox fan.
Do your thang, - OK, here comes the cabbage patch!
Don't be scured - I'm going to guess you failed English...
'Cuz you gon get served - Oh snap!
I'll get mine and you'll get yurn - What does that even mean?
Brothers thank that ass so lovely - You're welcome.
Raise it up, show yo g-string hustlin', hustlin' - Actually it's Hanes perfect fit.
Bend over, girl, show me what'cha workin' wit - I'm workin' wit dis right'cher!

It goes on. Feel free to enjoy it in it's entirety. I sure did.