This evening when my roommate Tina and I were in our kitchen, one of the cats who has been posted about before regarding a certain "poop" incident started to meow at us. Her name is Onyx and despite being adorable and wanting some attention she's harmless. That being said, she also seems to forever be hungry. She will often try to con the two of us into double feeding her but we figured out a system. Take that!

Now her meow is rather quiet, almost like a whisper, but in succession it is very annoying, especially when she INSISTS on being fed. Once you grab her dish, watch out, she goes into double time. I believe she gets all "a tingle" with anticipation.

Today I was lacking the patience to hear it so as Tina filled her bowl I told Onyx to knock it off or I would, "kick your face off."

A cat with no face. I don't doubt my ability to kick it off so I started to think what that would be like. In my mind the facelessness would be a lil something like this:

Face: Off. Blam-o! I'm a fan of this cat because she knows her place. "What's that? You're hungry? See, I can't hear you because your face has been kicked clear off..."

The shame is that despite this rant, I actually enjoy cats. It turns out I just have to raise them in order for them to be awesome.

Recently I've been able to work from home. This has been "baller" as the kids would say. Translation: awesome.

Basically I get to sleep in, wear my PJs all day if I so desire, watch The Wire, and bake a ton of tasty treats from the array of cookbooks I got for Christmas.

Today I made apple cinnamon muffins, mini blueberry/pomegranate/orange scones, AND apple cinnamon granola. I tried to post pictures but the site was being lame times a million and won't let me. Another sign that technology is starting to think for itself, or perhaps it was a glitch in the Matrix?

ANYWAY - It's official, I'm no longer impressed by bakers. Watch out Martha Stewart because I will cut a bitch. After which I'll sit her down to try these wonders and then she'll understand why I did it.

Let me start this off by saying I love Betty White. The past year, so has everyone else, especially her agent. He/she has been "makin' it rain!" - as the kids say. (If you are unfamiliar with said term please refer to The Urban Dictionary online).

While my family was in town we took a stroll along the Walk of Fame in Hollywood. Not surprising that we'd find this:

A comedy legend, whom is the current "go to" for all funny/inappropriate old lady parts in TV and movies. I hope to follow in her footsteps and in many ways, hope she never dies (though not in the Dick Clark kind of way; that ish is getting creepy, stop going on camera!)

Additionally, I took some family over the the lovely Huntington Botanical Gardens in Pasadena. If you live in the LA area and haven't been, you need to go and pretend you are still a student because you will get yourself a discount. This is one of the few times I don't mind looking younger than my actual age. (Also there is a "jungle" section that makes you feel like you are in Jurassic Park, just saying). So we are enjoying the foliage of the Rose Garden section when BAM:

It may be hard to see but beyond my thumbs up is a sign declaring that rose bush "Betty White." Now I'm ALL for her being in the spotlight, but roses? Really?

Betty, thank you for being a friend but this is a little much. Don't get me wrong, I still give the idea of it a thumbs up, but do you need that much money? Are you really planning on living forever? What's your plan? Being frozen? Cloning another body? Funding to discover the fountain of youth? Something involving alien technology? No wait, that last one doesn't make any sense, you wouldn't need a ton of money for that, just government connections.

If it's gambling debts I'll be disappointed but at least I'll understand. Help me understand.

2011: "Hey, Colleen. Happy New Year!"
Me: "Thanks."
2011: "I got you a little something."
Me: "Oh you shouldn't have."
2011: "It's a pretty nasty cold."
Me: "..."

It can only get better!

To digress back to 2010 for a second and the Christmas season, it's important that you are aware the following cookie cutters exist.

Yoda Best!

Storm Troopin'!

Much like adding the red sprinkles, Bounty Huntin' ain't no joke!

And of course, "Luke, I AM delicious..."

I know I've been away, family in town and general laziness. What can I say? Tis the season.

However, I would like to give you all a visual gift from the city of Los Angeles, compliments of my cousin Pat:

Well I don't know about you but my New Year's plans have just been ruined! F the po-lice!

This weekend I watched Troll 2. It's known as one of the best worst movies of all time. So bad, it's great kind of thing.

IT. DID. NOT. DISAPPOINT.

First of all it's called Troll 2 not because it's the sequel to Troll but because another movie named Troll came out and had some kind of mediocre success and the filmmakers wanted to capitalize on that, despite their movie being about GOBLINS (or kids/midgets in bad Halloween masks as seen to the left). You are dealing with genius here.

It's not enough that there are Goblins in this town called Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards - what!?). And it's not enough that these Goblins do a housing exchange program to get a family to come to their town so they can eat them. Oh no, these Goblins are vegetarians and they make people eat these big puffy green treats while they are disguised as humans with clover shaped birth marks. Once you eat these treats you morph into a plant so they can eat you. AKA have green food dye poured on your head.


Other personal highlights include (SPOILER ALERT):

1. The semi period piece opening of this Robin Hood like fellow being chased by these "Goblins" through the words to 80s movie montage music. Am I supposed to be scared?

2. A corn on the cob makeout scene where popcorn appears and buries the dude so much so that at the end he's covered in it and mumbles, "no more popcorn."


3. At one point the dad gets pissed at his son for not eating the goblin food and basically challenges him to a hunger strike claiming if he wants to go head to head with him he's got another thing coming because he has more experience with hunger pains from growing up and will tighten his belt to deal with the pain. Next morning, they are getting along fine. Bi-polar dad! Yaye!


4. There is a Stonehenge magical stone that wields, you guessed it, the goblins' magical power!

5, This woman's acting:


Deborah Reed is now on my radar.

Needless to say I loved every impossibly bad second of this and highly recommend. In some ways it's very inspiring to know someone wrote this whole thing down, convinced people to "act" in it, got a crew and money together and shot it. If THIS gets made, I actually might have a shot...

L.L. Bean gave me an early Christmas gift today. It's what I've always wanted: An ad for Mom Jeans!

Just $29.99?! You're right I CAN'T beat that price. Mostly because it's priceless. I know it's hard to read but they claim to have three types: Original Fit Relaxed (left), Original Fit Natural (center), and Original Fit Traditional (right). I've looked closely and the only real difference is how the model is half assedly posing.

Though they do explain at the bottom of the page how the Orginial Double L Jeans sits higher on the waist. AND as the bottom right hand side of the page indicates, it's available with reverse flannel, red fleece, AND red plaid flannel - talk about options! But it doesn't stop there, it's also available in a Comfort Waist, which as they say, "features subtle elastic sides for all-day comfort."

Subtle. Right.

Over the weekend something rather peculiar happened to me. On Saturday I played my usual game of Ultimate Frisbee with a bunch of guys who are much taller than me. I get knocked around, but nothing really bad. This Saturday I seemed to somehow have a target on me as people kept accidentally knocking into me. So much so that I began to catch the frisbee and then turn and duck away from the person covering me. I blame most of it on the fact that I'm like a foot shorter than most of the guys so when they run, they don't see me. I'm like a gnome to them.

That's not the peculiar part. I think it's best to break this thing down into time.

1:15pm: Start playing Ultimate frisbee.

2:30pm ish: I deflect a frisbee away from two players, we all fall to the ground un-injured. My hand might have been bumped in the collision but it doesn't hurt.

3:45pm: Ultimate Frisbee is over. I'm sweaty and kinda dirty but otherwise unharmed.

4:00pm: I pick up some stuff from Whole Foods, using my arms. All is well.

4:30pm: I bake some awesome gingerbread/flax muffins.

6:00pm: I watch The Shield and eat some dinner.

8:30pm: David Alex and I go to my friend Jana's birthday party downtown.

9:00pm: We get lost downtown.

9:10pm: We enter Villian's Tavern and I drink some liquored up Hot Chocolate out of a jar.

9:30pm: We mingle with the people. I chat with an already tipsy Jana.

9:45pm: My wrist starts to feel a bit stiff. I stretch it and hold my drink in my left hand instead.

10pm: I can't put my right arm down as the blood rush makes my hand and wrist throb.

10:15pm: I'm unable to successfully shake hands with anyone new I meet and have to give them the left hand which just confuses them further.

10:30pm: I'm convinced my wrist is sprained as I can't open my hand without pain.

10:45pm: I'm not looking forward to the potential ER visit for tomorrow since the only way I can function without pain is holding my arm up over my heart with a closed fist. Uh oh spaghetti-os.

12am: I have to sign for my tab with my left arm which def makes me look like I'm super drunk.

12:30am: I go to bed with a package of frozen peas and hope to God it's all better come morning.


And then....I wake up and can function better but there was still some pain so I go to brunch with my cousin and bring a bag of ice along. Then I watched 127 Hours with some friends and realized a weirdly hurting wrist is much better than having to cut off your arm because you got stuck in a boulder. I mean, it's pretty close to the same thing, but I think that guy wins.

Today I'm just about back to normal. Thank God!

Behold, one of the GREATEST photos of me EVER!


Yeah that's right! I'm going to need you to...

1. Be jealous of the lace bow tie.
2. Envy the bangs.
3. Don't act like you aren't familiar with the laser beams.

If I recall correctly the background choice was always between some grayish color, a bookshelf, and lasers. Hello. Of course I'm picking the lasers. All the cool kids were doing it. You know something JUST like this is proudly being hung in your family living room or den.

Now as much as I LOVE this photo, perspective makes me think, "How did this happen?" There's something mystical that occurs on photo day that makes us all think, "This is a great idea!" The early 90s are partly to blame. Second is really the parents because let's be honest, I'm five years old. I have NO idea what's really going on. Hence, the lasers.

This isn't really a new revelation or anything but I realized the other day that we spend the first half of our lives in school. Then you escape and no longer have papers or tests, you just have a job and bills n' such, but you are still free from the educational shackles. That is, until you have kids and then you have their homework to deal with.

So the average person only has like 10 years or so of non school related activities. Damn kids. Just another reason NOT to have them. Sorry potential child, I will love you one day but right now, I hate math more.

Also kids cost an average of 1 million bucks EACH. WHAT!? No wonder the gays have such nice stuff!

Thanksgiving was last week which meant a 3 day work week. Hells yeah! However, the best part is Wednesday evening going, "oh man 4 days off!" Cut to Sunday night being bummed that I can't sleep til 10am nor wear my PJs all day.

Highlights included:

I ate a delish homecooked meal at a co-workers which included an apple pie. I'm not even a huge apple pie fan but it was AMAZING. And since I played some ultimate frisbee earlier in the day I didn't feel bad eating more of it.

Half watching Despicable Me two times as I baked some vegan cookies - turns out there were fully lines I kept missing. I made oatmeal almond butter cookies which turned out quite nicely. Yet the Ginger/dark chocolate scones were more like pancakes, mostly because I forgot I used pancake mix. Oops. But I didn't let that stop me from eating them, however flimsy they are. Still good!

Half watching the original Tron which wasn't really as bad as I thought it would be. But you gotta love anything that cuts back to a scene with the title: "Back in the real world." And let's not forget the pong-tastic special effects.

Going into Banana Republic with no interest in buying anything and finding pants on sale for $18.99 from $79.90. After triple checking it was real and trying them on with success I went to the register with them and got another discount so they were only 15 bucks. If I bought those full price, I'd be pissed!

Lowlights:

You know what I didn't enjoy? Watching this season's The Office episodes on Hulu.com because they are no longer free. So now I'm not caught up. Thanks a lot internet! I mean, there are a ton of other websites I can watch it on but it WAS there and it WAS free forever. That's how they hook ya. Give you a free taste but the next one is full price. Hulu plus is like a drug dealer. Or at least what I know of drug dealers from TV shows like The Wire or Breaking Bad which I watch illegally online.

I woud like to complain for a second while being FULLY aware these are complete non issues, otherwise known as "white problems."

1. I have a lingering cold of some sort that occassionally makes it difficult for me to breathe through one nostril. This has been occurring for approximately one month. I live in California and somehow I've managed a cold in 70 degree weather. Though in my defense it's been more like 60 lately.

2. There's this weird semi sore thing happening to my right knee. I imagine it's the type of thing old people use to tell when it's about to rain.

3. There's a small zit on my cheek. Really face? You're gonna do that? OK fine.

4. I spent most of my day at work tracking down bagels that got shipped from New York which turned out to be not the cat's pajamas. They were ok but I know fresh NY bagels when I see them. These were NOT. I coulda picked that ish up at the store and pretended they were from the Empire State. (Also - on the NY topic, I know the license plate got changed like 5 years ago but not a fan of the blue and white. The white one with the red statue of liberty was much cooler.)

5. There are WAY too many cupcakes in my fridge right now. Yeah, I went there. Actually I went to a "cupcake camp" over the weekend with a friend. As we entered we were both like, "yeah, this is happening..." It was basically a mini conference event where people around the LA area had tables that sampled their cupcakes. There were TONS of them. I read online that you pay 15 bucks and get to eat cupcakes. I was down. Showed up and it was 20 bucks for 5 cupcakes which you pay the vendors with using tickets. 5 tickets = 5 cupcakes. OK this was NOT online but whatevs I drove down. When in Rome, right?

So my friend Jenna and I enter. We got there as people were starting to close up for the day and it was basically the best time ever because people were just GIVING the cupcakes away. They didn't care about the tickets. It was either give to us or the homeless people outside. And let's be honest, we were much cuter. It turned out to be the best 20 bucks ever spent. They gave us containers but we had to get more and then some. It was kind of ridiculous. Please observe:

Leaving the place with arms full of cupcakes was awesome at first but then you get home and fill the fridge with it and the sobering reality sets in. "Oh my God. I'm going to wind up eating ALL of these..." I pawned some off at work but there were so many I wanted to try and most people frown upon eating the rest of a half eaten cupcake.

I shall cap the complaints at five for today. You're welcome.

By the time Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows comes out tomorrow, I will have already seen it twice.


Is that a Gryffindor scarf? Yep, I'm a nerd. But what do you expect? Am I really going to turn down an advanced screening of the movie a week before it comes out even if I have to wake up at 7:30am on a Saturday to get in to see it AND even after I've already booked my tickets to see it at midnight?

C'mon.

This morning I was going through my usual routine of news websites so I can pretend I'm knowledgeable thanks to skimming headlines. I'm not sure what's worse, looking at a site with tons of new and then off to the side seeing these stupid fluff pieces on Best Worst Police Photos OR the fact that I always read those first, despite myself.

Today my curiosity was peaked with I saw this photo:


Suffolk County is where I'm from on Long Island. I've been told by friends who have family within the unit, they refer to that section as "The Country Club." You know how HARD life is in mostly white upper-middle class suburbia. The best part about this photo to me is that I'm pretty sure this happened to the 7-11 around the block from my house.

Long Island, represent! 631 in the house!

Let's take a second to examine the phrase, "the greatest thing since sliced bread." According to my Google search it was first sold in 1928. I dunno about you but I think we've come up with greater things since then. Like ice cream sandwiches and it's spin off the chipwich.

Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Colleen, you ALWAYS talk about ice cream sandwich concoctions! Get a new default." You know what, have you ever had a custom made chipwich? If not, then promptly shut your mouth.

But not all great things have to be food specific, though another good argument can be made for pretty much ANYTHING Red Velvet flavored to beat sliced bread (unless we're talking about a sliced loaf of red velvet bread). Since 1928 we've invented a lot, including, but not limited to:

• TV
• Air Conditioning
• Contacts (later glasses!)
• Hot Tub (time machine variety included)
  
• or better yet - how about - oh I dunno, THE INTERNET?!

Then of course you can jump into the blackberry and iPhone craze. Which can then be rounded out by The Snuggie. I think we should all start referring to things as the "greatest thing since The Snuggie." Let's raise our standard of innovation up beyond slices of bread because when you think of it, that's not really that impressive. But a blanket that fits you like a robe without the hassle of tying it shut?! That's genius!

UPDATE: Red Velvet Hot Chocolate!

I got a taste of this bad boy from Coffee Bean today. Basically - this is going to be a problem for me. It's like a melted red velvet cake. Of course it's delicious. And so I write them the following...

Dear Coffee Bean,

Thank you for the red velvet hot chocolate addition to your menu. You have succeeded in making me think about going inside EVERYDAY now - not to "write" like all those other unemployed writers/poser hispters but to purchase said item. It's delicious. On that note, please don't send me anything free in the mail as a token of your appreciation. As you already know the holiday season is upon us and that means too much food in general. The last thing I need is ANOTHER treat that is readily accessible.

I'm from the mindset that you can eat what you want and run it off. Eating healthier does help but let's just say I'm gonna be running a lot the next few months. Do you think you could perhaps create some kind of obstacle course for those who want to order the Red Velvet Hot Chocolate? That way we can all feel like we earned it. I'm sure there is room in the parking lots. I'd appreciate that. But please, no hurtles as I'm too small for that ish.

Sugar Coma-ly yours,
C$

Coffee Bean is trying to kill me. Steal my money and kill me with diabetes. The best part is, I don't even like coffee! So what do they do? They hear about my love of all things red velvet and they create a red velvet hot chocolate drink (pictured on the left). Then they promote it as being $1 tomorrow - knowing I'm a cheapskate and will spend the $1. They are banking on me becoming addicted. Honestly, if it's truly magical I'm not sure I could stop myself. Their website currently describes it as:

"A decadent, creamy treat that is a combination of rich dark chocolate and refreshing peppermint."

I'll probably ask if I can get it without the peppermint because it's just going to get in the way.

Speaking of addictions, my friend Susan Kraus made me acknowledge, though I am fully aware, that I'm currently addicted to anything pumpkin flavored. But as I told her, it's seasonal. I only get to eat the pie/fro-yo/bread/latte/scone/whatever for 2 months out of the year. So basically, it doesn't count.

This post is brought to you by:

Fat Kids
"We may be fat but we're harder to kidnap."

I'm happy to report my weekend was mostly gas free (insert 'Hizzah!" here). Which of course only confuses me further. Perhaps work gives me gas? Perhaps waking up early gave me gas? Perhaps not eating my usual routine helped. Or perhaps my body adjusted to the increased consumption of fiber. Either way I'm grateful and I'm sure so are the people near me.

In other developments I made and are my first griddle cake over the weekend. Ain't never had one o' dem befo'! It's like a dense pancake. My one boss, Holly, is from Montana. She went back not too long ago and brought me Huckleberry Griddle Cake mix along with Huckleberry syrup which claimed I could "taste the wilderness." Turns out the wilderness is sugary and delicious. Thanks false advertising!

There was still some grumblings yesterday but not as bad, however, the day was so crazy I didn't really eat much so that probably helped. I did have some time for research and guess what?

Apples AND pears can both make you gassy. And so does basically EVERYTHING else I've been eating. I'm like a gas factory. Here's what I learned from the information superhighway.

First of all when you google search "foods that" the first auto fill is "cause gas." So I'm not alone in my plight. Also, "most people do not realize that passing gas 14 to 23 times a day is normal." Perhaps I need to keep a count.

• Foods that may cause gas include
• beans (good for your heart, more you eat, more you...)
  
• vegetables, such as broccoli, cabbage, brussels sprouts, onions, artichokes, and asparagus (aka Colleen's lunch)
  
• fruits, such as pears, apples, and peaches (aka Colleen's snacks)
  
• whole grains, such as whole wheat and bran (aka Colleen's breakfast)
  
• soft drinks and fruit drinks
  
• milk and milk products, such as cheese and ice cream, and packaged foods prepared with lactose, such as bread, cereal, and salad dressing (this is no surprise)
  
• foods containing sorbitol, such as dietetic foods and sugar-free candies and gums (def chewing 2-3 sticks a gum a day)

So basically ALL of my theories were right. But what exactly am I supposed to eat? This covers most foods. Except candy. How curious I discover this on the weekend of Halloween. Coincidence? I think not. I think someone is trying to Incept this idea into my head to make me buy more candy. Well I refuse! You're going to have to go at least 3 levels into my subconscious and avoid any reference to Umpah Lumpah's from the original Charlie and the Chocolate factory because those suckers still creep me out. You will never convince me they just rolled Violet away to the juicer. No, sir. You just can't trust someone with orange skin and green hair. There, I said it.

Ok so I think I placebo'ed myself into thinking it was the apples. I mean, it's an apple. C'mon! But I have to say I FELT better til around 4ish when there was some mild rumbling. Then I went to play ultimate frisbee around 8:30pm til 10:00pm. There were some sneak attacks during the game but nothing major. Then around 12:30am there was some more significant grumbling.

Now I believe it takes 6-8 hours to digest stuff so technically whatever made me feel gassy around midnight would have been eaten around 4-6pm. What did I eat? Well, I had some remaining hummus from the take out we ordered. Then half a turkey and avocado sammich. And for dinner I basically ate a bowl of cereal with soy milk on the set around 7:30pm. Now the hummus and turkey sandwich were from a restaurant so that could have affected me just cause I didn't make it myself.

Though the timetable might be off I'm starting to suspect perhaps cereal is causing this? I usually eat stuff high in fiber with a little mix of granola and some sliced strawberries in almond milk in the morning around 8am. Perhaps my body can no longer handle the fiber? Lactose intolerance makes no sense either because it's not technically milk. Also I already beat that once and if need be I'll do it again.

Now the mild gas attack at 3:30pm/4pm could only really have been caused by the cereal in the morning right? Although I did have about half an Asian Pear around 10:30am. Then later I had cereal on set which was Kashi brand. Haven't eaten that in a LONG time so that could be it.

The only thing that doesn't make sense about that is I've been eating that same breakfast for longer than 1 week and a half. I loves me some cereal, so you can image how difficult it was for me to NOT eat it this morning. Instead I ate the other half of the Asian Pear - hopefully if I get gassy I can say it's the pear but again it's not a new item to my diet.

I just realized that my love of pumpkin flavored items could be the cause. It's that time of year and I basically can't help myself especially when it comes to the fro-yo. Not gonna lie, last week I think I had some form of it just about every day. Perhaps THAT'S IT?! But again, only problem is I didn't eat that at all yesterday. Nor does it make sense in the timing per my digestive cycle.

I'm grasping at straws here and I REALLY don't want to do one of those super Hollywood things and turn to a cleanse for help. Mostly because I don't think I can handle eating nothing but lemon water for more than a day.

The mystery continues.