Second Grade Journal entry: June 5, 1992

This summer would be terrible if...

The beach got blowen away. Then I could not go swimming at the beach. I could not find any shells or big rocks to climb. I could not go to the creek. I could not go fishing or have a bonfrie. I could not have any fun at the beach because it got blowen away. And I could not make a sandcastle. I would not have any fun at the beach. And that would be terrible!

I really like the fact that I went for something that was so dramatic. Not anything like, "oh what if I lose my bike" or "I missed reruns of saturday morning cartoons." I didn't even go for anything feasible like we didn't get to go to the beach. No, in my mind I annihilated the beach all together. No more beach. I'm not really sure what took it's place but I can tell you it's terrible! No sandcastles?! Might as well just cancle christmas while we're at it.

Just a general PS:

I have been going over some of my old posts and I have to say that I am pretty damn funny. To some people this may seem like I'm tooting my own horn and you would be right. I am awesome. I am aware of this. Let's not deny it. That will get us no where.
I mean after all, here you are reading what I have to say. Suck on that for awhile before you judge because you should know when you point the finger of blame at someone there are three fingers pointed right at you.

oh man, so deep...

Second Grade Journal entry: 11/11/92

List 3 favorite combination foods. Write their food groups.

1. Pizza
2. Tockes
3. chile

I like how I didn't do the second part of this assignment, perhaps I was banking on my teacher being so impressed by my consumption of a latin american nation that she would just forget about the food group. Also, I have no idea what Tockes is supposed to be. My best guess is tacos.

Second Grade Journal entry: January 28, 1992

One day I might...

Go to afrika And find a tresher in the a deep hole. And keep it to my self. But I would ride a tiger home but my mom would skreem.

I would like to let everyone know that is still on my "To Do" list.

Second Grade Journal entry:

If I were a giant...

I would crash the schools and I would eat dragins lifer. And my name would be school crasher.

Isn't it great that the first thing I would do as a giant would be to destroy the educational system. I dunno why dragons seem to be involved, perhaps because it too is a mystical creature. But I have to say that my name would be pretty appropriate.

Second Grade Journal entry: 12/11/91

Write about something special you and your family do together at Christmas time.

1. We put up the Christmas tree.
2. We help each other.
3. We do stuff.
4. We rape presents.

(there is a colored picture of Santa's head nearby exclaiming "Ho! Ho!")

I don't know how my teacher dealt with this one. But I'm pretty sure I would have called social services at that point, unless I was from a pirate family or something where raping and pilaging is common.

Second Grade Journal entry:

I'll never forget the time...

When I went into space. And when I went to the moon and found tresher on it. I went to pluto it was cold there. I saw aleens there to. And when I went back to earth I told my story.

(this page is full of black stars, planets, and a sun - then on the next page)

I can go back to space. And I can go back to space and tell some more stores.

The End

You know what sucks about that trip, the pictures I took were never properly developed. Appearantly the film was all overexposed, probably from using direct sunlight. What a shame, because now with no evidence it's almost like it never happened.

Taking a break from the second grade I'd like to share a thought I had over Fall Break:

There had to be a time when Hitler thought, "Yeah, I'm def going to hell."

Second Grade Journal entry:

The title of the page is Verbs. It seems it was our job to write a long list of them. Here are my first six.

exercise
dance
run
jog
move
kill

I'm sure other people used kill too. It's a healthy choice.

Second Grade Journal entry:

(there is no title)

Dear Uncle Robert

I am going to miss you very much. My family is fine. How are you? My brother Anthony is growing up. My mama and papa are fine to. My whole family is fine. I can not wait to go to the farm.

Love Wendell
P.S. Write Back

My first reaction is, "what?!" Not because it appears randomly on a page but because I don't have an Uncle Robert. I do have a brother, but his name isn't Anthony. Also, I never called my parents mama/papa, nor have I ever really wanted to go to this farm. Probably most important, Wendell is not my name.

I'm hoping this was for a book assignment when you write as a character. If not, then I probably went insane.

Second Grade Journal entry:

Why was corn so important to the Pilgrams? Explain.

1. So the Pilgrams cod eat something.
2. So they cod not diy.
3. That was the only thing they cod eat.

Good thing I cod spell.

Second Grade Journal entry:

There is no title but the whole page is taken up with a glorious story

Some fishermen were keching fish in there bouts. One fishermen cuat a big fish. The fish was about three feet long. When he got home. Insted of his family eating the fish. The fishermen's dog grabed the fish out of the fishermen's hand and eta the fish for dinner. The next day the fishermen couldn't find his fishing pole. His little boy Anthony had the fishing pole. His twin girls toled there dad that Anthony had the fishing pole. And him and his dog and twin girls lived happily ever after.

First of all half the sentences should be commas. Second, the story lacks an actual story. Clearly there is a "fishermen" because I write that about 40 times, but who is he, what is his motivation to fish, especially if his dog steals their food. Does he like the dog? Why does he keep him about. Who is Anthony deep down? Why did he steal the pole?
Perhaps my biggest question, where did these twin girls come from?

Second Grade Journal entry:

Discribe the perfect school and why.

Cuyga school. beusons we leun alot, and have fun! And be smart.

Little background info: Cayuga elementary school is where I "be smart" when I was little. I'm sure the teacher was proud to see I spelled learn wrong. It implies oh so much...

Second Grade Journal entry:

What was the happiest day in your life? Explain.

My new bed room set. bcese it saw brity.

I feel this is an amazing couple of sentences for a few reasons. 1) I am so superficial about probably one of the lamest things you can get. 2) I butchered because. 3) I wrote "was" backwards to say "saw" - Hello dyslexic how are you? 4)Brity....you know as in "I feel brity, oh so brity."

Second Grade Journal entry:

The thing I dislike most about school is...

Work because it take's to long to get done. Sometime's I get stack on seat work. PhoNics I get stack on a lot.

Hmmm...I can't imagine why.

Second Grade Journal entry:

I'd like to visit the planet __________.

I'd like to visit the planet mrkles. Because I want to get a tan. I would bring a fan. I would bring food with me too.

Yeah, that's right I made up my own planet name. And I have to say I'm pretty practical about my visit.

Second Grade Journal Entry:

9/19/91

List 5 of your favorate foods.

1. makarone and chess
2. fish stiks
3. chikien
4. corna
5. mash dtados

I managed to spell everything wrong. That's amazing. Also the directions/topic sentence was written on the board and I still spelled favorite wrong. The best part is, I have a check mark on my page, the teacher didn't bother to fix this. God bless our education system. Also, how hilarious is number 5?

Second Grade Journal entry:

not dated

Today I feel...

Today I feel Happy because me and Nicole dresses the same. Nicole had two of the same shites. She is wearing black pants and so am I.

Hey everyone look at those little girls, they are wearing shit for clothes AND matching black pants! I'm not sure but it seems one of them is pretty happy about it.

Second Grade Journal entry:

11/14/91

Write what you would do differently if you were the teacher.

1. I would have no home wrok.
2. And three days off.

Yep I got my priorities in check. I didn't even have the decency to spell homework right.

Second Grade Joural entry:

Make a list of things that cannot be bought that you are thankful for.

1. You can't bay air.
2. You can't bay children.
3. You can't bay haer.

Ok, first of all, it's BUY. Next, yes air can't be bought though it is important. Children? What about your family?! You don't have kids you are just a kid! Last, sorry but you can buy hair.

Second Grade Journal entry

June 2, 1992

I wish I could fly this summer. I wish I could fly this summer because I could see what it looks like high up. And because I could fly into space and see how big the stars are. I could frighten bad people away. I could go under water to get a fish. I could be friends with the birds. I could fly to the store or to my friends house. I could be a kite if someone did not have one. I could play on top of the clouds. And I could give little kids rides.

I am just all over the place with my flight. I love how I completely disregard the fact that there is no oxygen in space and how flying underwater can already be accomplished with the use of flippers. Have you ever swam with flippers? It's amazing. You believe that you are the fastest swimmer ever and it is really disappointing how slow you go when you take them off.

Second Grade Journal entry:

I think March is a windy month because:

Sometimes I have to wear my hevy jacket. You can fly your kite in March. A lot of kids wear pants.

I'm pretty sure most of the things said about March are accurate to this day. Especially the pants stuff.

Second Grade Journal entry May 1, 1992:

The best thing about my mom is....

She Love's me, and she is nice when I get hert. When my brother bites me. When I get a skratch. And when I give her something.

(then written randomly at the bottom of the page)

Is eneyone in?

Ok there is a lot going on here. First of all most of those "sentences" suck in that they aren't sentences at all. My spelling is, well, atrocious - I mean it's not amazing now but at least I can spell anyone.

But perhaps the worst thing is that the teacher would check all these entries so my mom must have looked kinda bad since according to this she only really liked me when I bribed her.

To lack of time and energy I am going to default to earlier works of mine done in the second grade, as I believe it is some of the funniest things I have ever written. The spelling errors are real - but to those who frequent that shouldnt be any surprise.

Some days in class would start with a topic to which I would then reply.

Write an invitation to an Indian boy or girl for the first Thanksgiving:

Dear Waterflower,

Can you come to the first Thanksgiving at my howes? At 5:00 on a tuesday?

I'm sorry - Thanksgiving, on a TUESDAY?! Umm...No, never happened. Also why does the Indian have some hippy name?

My father and I once had a conversation about how handy it would be if farts were color coded. Blue wouldn't be all that bad, green should be avoided, and red is too pungent to be inhaled. It would be like the terror alert system.

I feel I am sitting on a pioneering idea for the future and after someone else invents a pill I'll sue them claiming it was mine. I'm figuring that I'll prob win.

Now for the second installment of the second grade poems:

"The cat ate.

The big slowly angrily cat ate with a fork and spoon. THe black and white cat scrached the door ever day. A dog told him he was stupid

The End"

I'm thinking I should go to an open mic night and read some of this genius material.

"The tall muscular sadly man ran slowly and sadly home to his stupidly crazily muscular wife."

-Colleen Evanson 1992

My first night back at Ithaca I had quite the dream experience. Now I have recently got into Law & Order of the SVU kind. However, I had not watched any in at least 24 hours if not more so before I hit the hay. Well guess what? I had a dream about it.

Here's the thing, the images are hazy but basically I was on the set a lot with the actors, mainly Mariska Hargitay aka Det. Olivia Benson, whom apparently I had rapidly become good friends with. She hugged me when I arrived on set and then I assume we had a really fun hang out and BS session, then she'd hug me bye and insist that I stop by later.

But then, somehow my dream morphed and it was like I was on the show because suddenly I was in what looked like a psych ward with jail like overtones. Naturally I began to panic because clearly I didn't belong there, though some may disagree. At this point I was visited by the actual character of Olivia Benson, or so it seemed. Since she was now my good friend I voiced my concerns in a rather paniced and scared tone. She said she'd help me out.

Now for the best part. For some reason I had some type of roommate in this psych ward and she was for real crazy as in Ca-RAY-zee. Though I didn't witness exact examples of how crazy, I innately knew she was no good. So Olivia comes and visits me again and I tell her I have to get out of there because I'm scared she's going to kill me and once again, I didn't belong here. GET ME OUT!

Then I woke up. At first I was pretty confused, a second later I was thinking, "Oh man how awesome I'm good friends with a celebrity." Only to realize the harsh reality that it wasn't real and didn't happen.

So now if I ever run into Mariska it will prob be super awkward.

Many families take part in tradition, or the passing down of stories/skills from one generation to another. The Italian teach about spaghetti, the Chinese about rice, the Spanish about salsa and nachos, and the Irish of course teach how to never be tan. When guess what? I'm Irish. And beyond this innate gift is yet another that up until recently I felt was a skill only I was capable of.

You see when I was a young lass my cousins Adam and Eric taught me how to make fart noises with both my hands. You press them to your mouth and blow. It's really quite simple. But I discovered when I did this that I could achieve fart noises with just one hand. This comes in handy when I want to create the hilarity of a realistic fart.

Well it seems that only an Evanson has the power to achieve the one handed fart, for whenever I show friends, they try it and fail. Yet all on his own, without my teachings, little Shawn Evanson has been able to achieve this skill. It appears that the fake fart is strong with my family.

I'm a pretty fast walker. I'm able to pass a lot of people if I'm in a hurry or walking down a city block. It's almost like driving. I'm not saying that I speed when I drive because I can't really go over 80MPH due to the 14 year old car I drive. You see much like old people my car will shake. But back to walking, which also to keep with the old people motif - they can't really do to well, but I can. Now the only thing that will really stop me from walking past another person involves one of three things.

1. There are too many people blocking the way.

Most of the time they go pretty slow as well which annoys me even more, and when there is a break I'll walk super fast like I'm trying to hint that its annoying only they dont really care.

2. They themselves are walking pretty fast.

Now I could probably pass them, only we're walking about the same pace only I'm alittle bit faster and once I do pass them it will take awhile to do so, about 5-8 seconds which means they will at one time notice that I am right next to them and look over. I assume this will be an awkward moment of eye contact. As if they'll get really annoyed I'm passing them, like I'm Mrs.Fasty Walk Fastlots or something. Big hot shot. Once again I find when I do pass them, they for the most part, don't care.

3. I know the person up ahead.

If I'm good friends with them of course I'll meet up and chat. But often its more like someone I would rather say hey to in passing and that's it. There is nothing really more to say because let's be honest I was in that one class with you and that's it, or I talked to you a couple times bc you are a friend of a friend. You know those. (These may also be the same people on your buddy list that you never talk to but keep on the list in case of some emergency.)

So here I am in a hurry to walk to where I need and there is this person and I can't really pass them while going somewhere which means I'd look like a bitch if I pretended I didn't see them, plus if I get caught I'll have to pretend I didn't which I may or may not pull off. And in either case I'd have to engage in a forced conversation to waste time.

What makes it worse is if they are going the same way I am and they are walking REALLY slow. There is just no escape. And I have to walk even slower to stay at a decent distance behind bc if I get too close they might hear my footsteps and turn around, then WHAM! I'm stuck. Sometimes I will actually have to stop a bit, only that's weird too, so I'll pretend my shoe is untied or suddenly start rummaging through my bag for nothing.

It's a tough life as a fast walker...who mainly walks around a college campus where I know some people. Let me tell you, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Awhile ago I was sitting in my friend Wendy's dorm room. It was late, around 2am, when we got into a conversation about life. She asking what the point of life is if so many people are forgotten. Think about it. There are about 100 amazing people who are known around the world. Some for politics, some for music, some for arts. Its so hard to become someone like that, especially now when so much has been done/invented. Imagine how terrible it must have been to be a caveman. They didn't really get any credit for anything because no one knows their actual names. So the one genius who thought of fire, the wheel, or even early language, is associated along with the rest of the broad foreheaded, furry people. That sucks.

I've been away visiting middle america. Chicago is a rather choice city. Dare I say, it's an improved NYC; not as much trash, homeless folk, nicer people, right on the lake, and get this...you can actually hear what they say on their transportation system!

I also saw Omaha Nebraska. Good place to live, not visit. Overall I'd say it's flat.

But what I really wanted to discuss was a conversation had whilst at work. One of my co-workers turned to me last night and asked, "What would you do if I had dessert tarrets?"
I pondered for a moment and stated, "I'd probably get hungry and then really mad at you for saying all these delicious desserts that I couldn't have."

Think about it. You know it's true. I feel it's almost like watching Iron Chef. This is a truely amazing show dubbed over to english and when many people will stop channel surfing and give out an excited yelp of joy. But the thing you don't realize when you tune in is that you get to watch how they make all this food BUT you don't get to eat it. And it looks so good! There must be a way to have an interactive show. I hope we are able to figure out a way to do that. There must be some scientist out there willing. I mean, if someone invented motion control paper towel dispensers, I'm sure getting a cooking show to actually cook for you is plausible.

Today at work we listened to a Wilson Phillips song. You know, that group of three girls who sing that song about holding on for one more day. Yeah that's it. When I was about eight, I used to listen to them. This was all before I knew what good music was. Now when the song plays I think, 'wow they are lame.'

Also why Wilson Phillips? Why would you think an old mans name is a good idea.

Answers are welcome.

I'd imagine it would be quite awkward to witness a blind person performing a stand up comedy act of observational comedy. They'd be like, "have you ever lost your keys and felt all your tables looking for them?!" It would be even more awkward if they were standing away from the mic and at one point realized it, then tried to find it with their stick and knocked it over.

ouch.

This whole idea came about while watching Daredevil which is probably the worst superhero film ever. It's a pathetic shadow of what a successful blockbuster is. At one point Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have an elaborately awkward karate fight at a playground with children watching.

Recently I have thought it might be loads o' fun to re-record music for certain parts in movies/tv series that initially are pretty powerful moments and play music over them making them cliche.

Here is what I have so far:

1. recent season of 24 has Jack walking away, alone at the end of the series, wearing a pretty choice pair of aviators. I think at this point a song should kick in that I'm sure most are familiar with at this point in the year. Yes, that's right, Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Particularly the part that goes, "I walk a lonely road..."

2. Titanic when the ship is snapping in half and people are falling into the water. Play the song "I went to the danger zone."

3. In Star Wars Episode III while Anakin is staring out thinking of his lady friend who is gazing out thinking of him. He cries a little as he is deciding to basically turn to the dark side. And cue Five for Fighting's "Superman (its not easy)." I think this part works pretty well; "I’m only a man in a silly red sheet,Digging for kryptonite on this one way street,Only a man in a funny red sheet,Looking for special things inside of me, It’s not easy to be me."

That's all I got so far but I think it's quite a start.

As I drove back from dropping off my brother, I saw a man on the side of the road. There were several things out of place about him. Number one, he was walking with his bike. Perhaps something broke on it so he was forced to travel on foot. Number two he had an eye patch. Number three, the eye patch wasn't over his eye, but resting just above his eyebrow. Here in lies the biggest concern.

Why an eye patch? Don't you need good depth perception when riding any mobile? Not that I don't think people lacking one eye aren't capable of everyday things. I just feel this makes it harder, which perhaps is why he got off the bike in the first place. Except I have the distinct impression that since the eye patch wasn't acually on his eye that he indeed has his eye.

There was no other pirate gear found. So was he pretending to be missing an eye just for fun? Is he actually a pirate undercover who sometimes likes to wear an eye patch because he really isnt considered a pirate by his other swash buckling peers?

So much mystery.

There is this man who comes to work every couple of days in the afternoon. My first encounter with him, he got out of his truck, his ratty shirt clung to his enlarged belly. He leaned on the counter casually and before we could ask, "Can I help you?" he blurted out, "What's mickey mouse? A dog or a cat?" We were all confused if he was referring to a flavor of ice before we understood he was one of those older guys with the funny uncle like jokes.

He then proceeded to bust out a rhyme. At one point he claimed, "This shit is the shit" and just as my brain began to freak out, he used the word "dooby." From that point on its really all a blur. My mind didn't know how to properly process this information.

I'll leave it to the words of the man I like to call the Crazy Old Rapper:

"You heard of 50 cent? I'm 58."

The past couple of days my eye has been twitching. Only one, and I believe the tremors are coming from the lower lid. This is rather annoying. I was at work and felt it going as I was serving a customer. I wonder if they could notice. Would they think I was trying hard to wink at them? Or did it just look crazy? Did they even notice?

Which brings me to another thought I had at work. Now there are times in the summer when it is very hot. People at this time, often want something cool like, oh I dunno, an Italian Ice to cool them off. Now there are times when it seems the whole town shows up, perhaps even people are birthed from the street, notice we seem to be under staffed and rush to get food.

I have been thinking how glorious it would be if one night, while the line is wrapping around the block, that we close the window, place a sign on it saying, "Screw all ya'll" and proceed to walk by eating ice while smiling and waving. Sometimes I play it out in my mind and it is truely a sight to behold.

If you look back at some old sitcoms you will see that most kid acting involved the kid speaking very loud, then canned laughter followed. I noticed this while VH1 ran 100 Greatest Kid Stars. I must say VH1 really turned around. I remember when all they played was Diva's Unplugged with Whitney Houston and Celine Deon. That and Rod Stewart videos. Now it's full of clip shows with commentary from comedians and actors. Instead of watching something and making smart ass comments with friends, they do it for you! AMAZING!

PS - I heard Tom Cruise freaked out today about scientology, no offense to them but they are cra-zay.

To all scientologists: Please don't kill me for the above comment.

Whose idea was the lunge?

There is this movie coming out called High Tension and although I have never heard of it before I'm sure the previews/ads for it aren't lying when they say it's good. It involves some skinny blonde woman who is getting chased by some murderer with a chain saw. At one point it looks like she screams as she runs through the woods. PLUS it's night time. And it's different from all those other thriller/horror movies because she has SHORT blonde hair.

So probably most of middle america will think she's gay.

I have a question. If you are an old woman do you HAVE to cut your hair really short? And in the cutting process does the hair become curly even if it wasn't before? Think about it. Name one old woman you know with long hair. It's impossible.

Allergies are pretty dumb. Every day when I get up, not even WAKE UP, just get up in the morning to pee I sneeze at least 3 times. Moving from one space in my house to another is somehow toxic to my nose. If I lived back in the day when they said Bless You because they thought your soul was trying to escape, people would probably think I was possessed by the devil. Or they would think I was evil and some kind of witch. That would suck because they I would be irrationally burned or tortured in some fashion. This I would not have cared for, I can tell you that. Even if I was really a witch that's still pretty harsh of a punishment. If i were really a witch I'd try to pinch them in pressure zones that hurt aREAL bad. Also I think I'd cast a spell so they couldn't ever eat ice cream. Something like Lactose Intolerance perhaps.

holy crap. that's probably where that comes from. Freaking witches! Is nothing sacred?!

I'm back on the island. Working at Ralph's so if ya'll wants some ice come along. Ok so one of the most exciting things I have learned is how to discover one's Jedi name. Yes, I am a nerd, let's get past that but this is pretty awesome. So I was told that you take the first THREE letters of your Last Name and add the first TWO letters of your First Name to it. Then combine the first THREE letter of your birthplace/town you are from (i'm unclear which one specifically it is), with the first TWO letters of your Mother's Maiden name.

Example:

Colleen + Evanson = Evaco
Lake Grove + McGrath = Lakmc

My name is Evaco Lakmc. I encourage you all to post your names here to see whose is choice and whose is lame.

Mine is pretty choice, but then again, I'm probably biased.

Also I've compiled a list of some of the best things humans have been a part of. Here it is.

1. Ice Cream
2. Massage
3. BBQ flavored chips

Sometimes I wonder if aliens (or alie-ums) exist that they would be fascinated by our eyes, since they are neither huge, nor one color. That whole concept has the potential to blow they undoubtedly more advanced minds clear out of their enlarged skulls. Also the fact that we have actual genitalia. That might confuse/gross them out.

I'm going to attempt to appease all with the following essay. Read the comments from the last post before proceeding.

My Essay about Some Stuff in Life

From what I skimmed over from a website that came up after I googled "Hemingway 'A close" (I didn't feel like typing the whole title), it seems the poem described a conversation between two guys. One of which is old, the other is a waiter. Here check it out:

"Last week he tried to commit suicide," one waiter said.

Jee, thanks Debby Downer. Though I didn't bother to read much of it I think it would be way better if the two guys talked about something else or didn't really talk at all. How about this...

The waiter hands the old guy a check for his meal.
The old dude is nodding off.
The waiter nudges him.
The old guy farts kinda loud but can't hear it because his hearing aid is down.
The waiter doesn't breathe in as he walks away.

I dunno about you but that is way better. As for this guy Samuel Johnson, his name is pretty close to Samuel L Jackson. So once this story gets adapted into a script I think we can cast him as the old guy. But I bet he won't want to be the old guy because he wants to be hip so I'll let him be the waiter and the old guy can get played by Hugh Downs, previously seen on 20/20 because I think America would like to see him again, it's been awhile.

You know I bet he knows something about James Joyce and this thing he wrote called "Araby." Hugh was always full of worldy knowledge. Also I think he could school Barbara Walters any day. I dunno if she still does 20/20. I havent seen it in years because its on the same time as Fear Factor. However, if she did leave, I think the producers at ABC should get together and get a reunion royal together. Walters vs. Downs. They could arm wrestle, or see who can eat applesauce the fastest, or have a dizzy bat race. I bet ratings would soar.

So as for others literary things, I remember reading Green Eggs and Ham in elementary school. I probably read Run Spot Run since I vaguely remember it was about a dog but other than that I think that book sucked. Plus there are tons of books about dogs already, so not original. But I'll tell you who is unique, Dr. Suess (and that fool isn't even a doctor). I can totally quote Green Eggs and Ham without google. Check it out:

"'Hey you want some green eggs and ham?' said this guy.

'No I will not eat them with a fox, I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them here or there I will not eat them anywhere. But I'll never turn down a tuna melt because those are pretty awesome,' said the other guy in the book."

I think this book is the best because I got to make up some other lines in it. I'm pretty sure the use of the ever so popular deli delight combination of tuna, cheese, and toasted bread is accessable to most people since just about everyone has probably tried it at some point. If you don't like tuna then maybe you aren't a person. You could be a robot. Though I have no proof that robots can't eat tuna fish, if I recall a scene from A.I. by Steven Spielberg correctly that kid who was a robot couldn't eat anything because, well I dunno why. I think the dad in the scene said he would short circut or something. But no matter how hard that kid tried to be a real boy he couldn't. So sorry robots, there is no hope.

This makes me wonder if there are people in the world who are actual people but wish they could become an emotionless robot. One way they might try to turn themselves into a machine could be listening to Mr. Roboto and doing the robot move where you walk all stiff. It's pretty popular to freeze your whole body and just move one arm.
If this is too hard to understand you could look into getting a helper monkey. I'm sure this friendly critter could help you look it up online because monkeys are pretty smart. You know, most people don't realize we actually came from monkeys. But I do because I'm smart thanks to the keen reporting of Hugh Downs. Man, that guy was awesome. I really hope he isn't dead. That would suck.

In conclusion, literature isn't as good as television. Lots of people own TVs, almost no one owns books. In fact one may say that books are the tools of the devil and I'd have to agree. Education is important and all but so is Must See TV which hasn't been as good since Friends left but that Joey, oh man, he's hilarious and he's totally making lots of money and I bet he doesn't even know what a book is. So there.

So I wanted to update but I hath no idea what to write about. As such, how about we do some interactive blogging. You give me things to talk about or to use in a story. Consider it my blog final.

Yesterday my friend Jess and I discussed the word "probably." This is a pretty choice word. When used properly in a sentence it can equate emmense hilarity.

Why it is so funny? Well it completely undermines the gravity of any situation.

For example, let's say you are sitting in a field minding your own business. Over the hill you see what looks like a man running toward you. Suddenly a UFO appears and abducts this man. You think to yourself, "that's probably not good."

Or let's say you are having a romantic evening with your significant other. They slip out of their seat onto one knee. They show you a ring and say, "I think we should probably get married."
If this happens to you I think you should probably say no.

Discuss.

Dear Smoothies,

Thanks for being so awesome.

Love,
Colleen

A while back whilst my parents were here in Ithaca I bought a shirt that said, "Islam is Gorges." Now here in Ithaca there are plenty of shirts that read: "Ithaca is Gorges" since there are many gorges here and many consider them to be quite gorgeous.

This shirt only ran about 3 bucks so I figured why not. Today I broke it out after a long period of staying in my dresser. At first I thought, I hope people don't take me seriously like I'm some kind of activist. Then I figured most who knew me would get it. What I didn't think about was the awkward new guy over at Taste of Thai asking me something on the way out.

awkward guy: "Does Islam have gorges?"
me: "What?"
awkward guy: "Does Islam have gorges or is that just a joke."
me: "It's a joke."

and scene...

I have a comment about the mustache and glasses disguise. You are not fooling anyone. The nose only coming in one color does next to nothing. PLUS the glasses have no actual glass in them.

Check minus

I know that just about everyone hates traffic. I have the perfect solution: Giants.
I wish we had some giants because even though we humans are capable to clearing the road it takes us way too long. Do you realize how quickly traffic jams would be fixed if we had Giants? They would just walk over, and lift away the car like a crane...done.

Truely the only problem is that he or she has to stay happy or we might get our cities crushed. So we have to find a giant that feeds off doing good deeds.

Next problem is where does it live? Well at first I thought in a volcano or mountain, but with overpopulation being what it is we'll probably need that space. Then I got to thinking, earth is something like 70% water. So it can live in the ocean, that way if it crushes anything when it does its daily routine it's the ocean floor and we don't see that anyway.

In conclusion, all you ocean savvy good deed doing Giants need to come to earth. We needs you. I promise that we won't kill or abuse you.

Love
Colleen

If there was a way to directly inject thai food into my veins I would seriously consider it for at least 2 minutes.

2 things:

1. I think an awesome name for a band is Remnants of a Unibrow.

2. I was in Walmart today and as we were getting checked out I checked out the cashier. She had two chins and both had a beard. And if that's not enough there was also a train for a mustache. She CLEARLY has to shave just about everyday and that sucks. I then began to think about all the stupid thin girls who think they are fat and go to the gym religiously thinking no one will love them unless they look like models. This poor woman must have a tragically low self esteem level. Those skinny girls don't know the half of it. It could be WAY worse than having non perfect abs. So chill the F out. At least you don't have to shave both your chins.

I feel really bad for this woman. These are the people Fox prays on with crap like The Swan.

A conversation with Mom:

Evshouse: Speaking of knocked out-I stupidly hit my forehead with the car door on Sat. and have a nice scratch--ouch!
Lactaid Lady: score
Lactaid Lady: thats gotta make you feel smart
Evshouse: thats not exactly what i said
Evshouse: i lost my dignity for the day!
Lactaid Lady: did anyone see you do it?
Evshouse: not that i know of
Lactaid Lady: bc the act alone doesn't warrent too much dignity loss
Evshouse: good
Lactaid Lady: but if someone catches you, thats when more goes
Evshouse: i see
Lactaid Lady: if I was a professor I would try for years to teach a class on Dignity
Lactaid Lady: theories n such

If anyone knows of a college looking to hire let me know, I'm sure I'm MORE than qualified to teach whatev I find amusing.

Whenever I venture into my New and Emerging Diseases class, which is every MWF from 11-11:50am, I get the treat of seeing my good friend Dan Stermer. He is taking the class Pass/Fail, something I should have done now that I'm pulling a strong C- to D (completely ridiculous but that's another story).

"Why is this a treat?" You ask quizzically. Well friend, Dan blatantly doesn't pay attention. He reads books, draws on my notes, and mostly goes to sleep. Now I have been sleepy in many classes during my time in school. I really get a kick out of how people attempt to sleep.

This class is a big lecture. We sit in large accending rows which are usually full. As a teacher, you can glance through the crowd and easily spot those who are zoning out, taking notes, being studious, and oh I dunno conveniantly covering their eyes with their hands, or how about just putting their head down in their crossed arms?

I know these techniques because I myself have done them, and you know you have too at some point. I don't know who we think we are kidding. No matter how many students are in a lecture hall the teacher will scan the audience from time to time and you will stick out like a sore thumb.

What I find especially amusing is watching people fade into sleep, their heads start to fall down, but then it snaps back into "No I'm awake" mode. Truely fabulous. I love watching someone fight it. The battle royal for consciousness.

A couple of things.

1. How the hell are you supposed to fold the sheets that go around the mattress? Its, like, unpossible to make it look neat in the folding process.

2. This weekend fellow RA Jess and I were having a converstion about heaven and the like. At one point I asked, "What if heaven was a mall?"

2.5 Also when getting into past lives I discussed how if such a thing existed, and I think it could because G-man would probably be all over recycling of souls (keeps cost down on energy and pollution), we both agreed that we would want to be in another universe. Not that the Milky Way is bad, but you know, just gotta check out the neighborhood. Maybe be an alie-um next time 'round. Could be fun, abductin hillbillies n such.

Last week Risa, an old RA friend, came to visit. On Wed. she took Mary and I out for drinks. It was there I had my first shot. Sadly it took me three tries to get it down. Now before you judge, it was a double that was toppped off with whip cream, thus creating a barrier. But I pressed on...determined. And in the end glory was achieved.

Then I went home and did my homework. Hizzah for learning!

I know I'm a dirtbag for not updating in forever. I know these things. Don't get mad. I'm trying.

Over spring break I was able to view the trailer for Star Wars Episode III. And I must inform everyone that I am unable to handle how good it's going to be. I geek right the hell out when I watch it. It's easy to think that well she must be a giant Star Wars nerd. But you would be wrong. Yes I enjoy the movies and think being a Jedi is all that and then some, but I have never crossed the line of dressing up like any characters or doing some role playing thing.

However I did think of the most lame/nerdy tattoo in all the land:

A lower back tattoo of a lightsaber, possible even two of them creating an X


that's all I got. If you would like to geek out as well please check out this site
http://movies.channel.aol.com/feature/starwars/trailer.adp?type=lrg

Til then, I'm outtie nerds.

So it appears I won't become the most notorious cop killer in all the land, nor will audition to become a rapper. DRAT! Damn you legal system for reinstating my faith in the law.

I went into court to contest my double whammy tickets. Court wasn't even court, it was more like a hallway with a table and a late 20-year old cute guy in a suit sitting down. I thought he was there just to help with my paperwork before going into see a judge. So we were small talking and I was comfortable. Next think you you he throws out my driving with expired license, and reduces my speeding no questions asked. It comes up that I was on my way to renew it and he was like, no way get out! Then he realized it was my first ticket and said, "oh that must have been tramatic." To add to this miracle, he looked at the officer's name who write the tickets and said, "oh he's scary isn't he?" I was like YES! In a matter of minutes my 400 dollar tickets and 6 points on my license were reduced to 100 and 3 points.

And there was much rejoicing in the stairway on the way out.

Hi all.

Sorry its been awhile. Last week I was emotionally roundhoused by the law. Now I'm not great with numbers but seriously what are the odds that the first time you get pulled over you are on your way to renew your license which is expired by a week? Add onto that, what are the odds the po-po will be a JERK to you. 2 tickets later I'm on my way back to school, sans my new license.

Now I know what all those rappers are talking about when they say "F the police." F them. F them indeed.

Don't worry, I plan to fight the man. That date is set:

Wed. Feb 23, 12pm
Ithaca Court House

I'll be hopin' and a-wishin' that I don't have to pay 300. I'm hoping the fact that I've been a good person for most of my life will bail me out. If not, well then I'll become a notorious cop killer.

As of late I have been hanging out with fellow RA Jessica Blasko quite often. As many of you already know, at times, I fart and it is clear that even if I do not smell it, I probably delt it.

On one such night on the third floor of Tallcott Hall Jess and I were in her room. At this time I decided to do a scissor kick and whilst in the air, fart. At this, Jess lost her mind a bit. I paraphrase:

"Oh My God. Oh my God. You have taken farting to a whole new level. It's like an art form."

Some of my other works of art include purposely dropping a blanket and then while bending over, cutting one. Doing a semi-slip. And of course let's not forget, walking like a wooden toy soldier.

I think I should take this show on the road.

Bday update:

Dignity remained intact. Until of course I began to throw up in my mouth. Oh and that time when I took off my shirt for a high five. And then off course when I blacked out, woke up in the woods, had to sell my clothes for a ticket back to Ithaca, once I got there pictures were posted all over campus with my FULL name, address, zodiac sign, hobbies, etc.

Despite all that I still think I'm one classy lady.

(I hope by now you realize the above in the un-truth)

As the clock comes closer to midnight I realize it is only too soon until 2 things happen.

1. I turn 21 and become an "official" adult
2. A couple friends may attempt to get me drunk

Here's the thing, their agenda shall fail them for there is something they aren't aware of. I have an agenda as well:

Mission Statement for the Official Adult known as Colleen Evanson:
I, Colleen Evanson, will not get drunk when I turn 21. Though there maybe be conspiracies against such a belief these forces that be are unaware that I can take a challenge and HARK! I shall emerge victorious!

Bring it on.

I haven't really become inspired nor do I really want to be posting. I just felt like I should and I could just improv it as I went along. I'm really doing this for the few who hopelessly check and go, "Drat!!" or perhaps you scream "Curses!" to the sky when you see that I hath not updated. And when I say "curses" I mean the actual word not the explitives.

I really like the song "Let's get Retarded" by the Black Eyed Peas, however I don't like singing the words since I don't like to use the word 'retarded.' This makes it rather awkward to fully enjoy this song as it ought to be. Now they made another version called "Let's get it Started" but for some reason it just doesn't quite "drop it like it's hot" as the previous. Which leads me to another question of what "drop it like it's hot" really means. Sure it's some new slang that the kids really enjoy learning from the Master of the english language, the one, the only, Snoop Dog (is it D-O-double G still or just Dog? I'm unsure).

To drop is an action or perhaps one might say, a verb. Some people drop things on accident, or because the weight is too heavy, or it slips, or maybe they did it on purpose to anger another individual. But in this case you drop this item because it is hot. It's completely understandable, when you burn yourself you tend to want to let go of whatever is causing you this pain.

But what, I must ask, are you dropping? Is it a heated pot holding something like soup, or perhaps an adorable Precious Moments doll featuring a little boy and a puppy? Or maybe it's something that we don't value like let's say an F bomb. People drop F bombs all the time and one could argue that many would drop an F bomb if they were carrying something hot. One could also argue that if you did happen to drop a Precious Moments keepsake that you would drop the F bomb, as the expensive ceramic remains close to your heart since someone like Grandma probably gave it to you because let's be honest you don't buy yourself those things. However, I can't preceive a situation where the Precious Moment would become super heated so you would drop it. Although, on closer inspection I realized he claims you should "drop it LIKE it's hot." Not that it IS hot.

Hizzah! The answer is here. Drop your Precious Moments as if they somehow became too warm for your hands to hold them. Make it look like an accident too but clean it up soon because you wouldn't want to cut your foot.

You know, previously I thought "dropping like it's hot" implied one should bust a move while listening to some "mad phat" beats, but I think this theory makes MUCH more sense.

I have been busy with training but found time this morning, aka noon, to read through some of the comments which I often forget I possess. One, a ways back, asked for a top 5 of my delights. This list is really the express lane or maybe even the HOV into my heart…only you don’t need 2 people to get there, you can probably just get a cardboard cut out of Michael Jordon as featured in Home Alone.

1. Thai food

2. Any knowledge pertaining to the X-Files

3. Amazing thrift store finds: members only jackets, cheesy xmas sweaters with sholder pads, romance novels (Savage Thunder), giant mens underwear, etc.

4. Thinking about or pulling off pranks: farting in a reslife professional staff members chair 100 times and keeping a secret tally in the office. When I'm older I plan to tell people plotlines of famous movies and claim I was there. Such movies include; Jaws, Godfather, Titanic, Moulin Rouge, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, the possibilities are endless. Also I want to follow people around in some form of a motorized chair.

5. Making fun of bad media: Hunter, Macgyver, basically anything from the 80s, the soap opera Passions is always good for a laugh, and of course the endless supply of commercials.

Now I shall I digress into one such commercial. Over break I kept seeing ads for Open Water which was now available on DVD, thankfully. Now in it they show some clips of two people surrounded by some open water of the ocean and they are flipping out a bit. The announcer of the add claims that critics called it "the best shark movie since Jaws."

Now at first I bought it completely. But the second and third times through I began to question this claim. Exactly how many other shark movies occurred since Jaws?

Well, there was of course Jaws II (not bad, kinda like Jaws all over again but without the crazy boat guy), Jaws III (takes place at seaworld), Jaws: The Revenge (in which the mother from the original has the shark follow her to the Caribbean where she, her older son Michael, his friend who says "Mon" a lot, and Michael Cain send electric current into the shark causing it to jump completely out of the water so they can steer the front of their boat into it, thus stabbing and killing Jaws)
Then let's not forget Deep Blue Sea, fully of wonderful CG sharks and Samuel L. Jackson with LL Cool J as the chef.

So as for Open Water being the best shark movie since Jaws….that's not that great of an accomplishment.

For all those interested in learning the point system of Traffic Blows...they game in which you pass time in traffic by shooting spit balls at other cars, please direct yourself to the link below, as provided by Cousin Pat.

http://www.semicaged.com/traffic/

Today I was in the presence of a two year old girl. I taught her many false things such as: frogs eat hamburgers, and elephants eat crystals. After watching Aladdin she began to wave goodbye to the scrolling credits. I got to be specific and said goodbye to certain people on the list. She copied what I said. It then evolved into saying names that weren't there such as: Bea Arthur, Pauly Shore, Estelle Getty, David Hasslehoff, you get the picture.

I realized that I should never have children because I'll just lie to them and make them repeat catch phrases or inside jokes or lame celebrities.

So i tried to post a while back but the website wasn't being very nice and decided to not post it so that backfired.

Most of my current day entertainment comes from a new widescreen tv that sits gloriously in the living room. From a slouched position on the heavenly couch I enjoy the TV Land reruns. I have learned the wonder that is 80s investigative shows. Now we all know and love the adventures of Macgyver (which occurs at 1pm) but who knows all about Hunter? Not many.

Hunter is quite possibly the best cop show EVER made in the history of the world. He's a maverick cop who likes to wear plaid and say amazing catch phrases such as, "works for me." Meanwhile his partner Dede McCall, once referred to as Brass Cupcake, goes undercover as a prostitute every 1 out of 3 shows. Together they hit the streets of LA and have at least 2 car chases per episode. All you need do is watch the opening sequence, the editors are pure masters at their craft. Evidence can be found througout the episodes but really makes itself clear at the end when they show a mirage of clips that all result in offtimed freeze frames. You need not watch with anyone, the show itself can provide enough laughter without a television savy partner to rip it apart. Yes friends, this show does indeed "work for me."

ZING!

And I'm home. I must say it is rather choice to be back. The ride home was quite an ordeal. There was snow and ice and mountains and pistol whiping. When you are going 30 MPH on the LIE at 3am and you can't pass a oil truck because he is weaving all over the road you think, 'yeah i feel safe, I should do this more often.'

At one point I actually had to follow behind a plow truck. And then the lights went out and the moon was swallowed up by a black hole. Thankfully I had my trusty flashlight of truthitude and it doth created a becon in the darkness of my soul. And from hence forth there twas the streets were free from the oppressive snow. I followed a sugar cookie rainbow to the carmel rivers until I made to suburban long island.

In other news I watched Project Runway on Bravo. I thought it was going to be a train wreck but it turned the tables on me and now I want to see more. I've been away from TV for so long, I forgot how much I loved it.

I recently exited the documentary time portal only to find I need to do well on all my finals to try to boost my grades. However, there is a lack in motivation because nothing could compare to the pay off of documentary. Not even thai food.

That's right I said it.

(insert mind explosion here)

Thanksgiving is 'round the corner and that means its time to give thanks to the things we really care about. I know it's cliche and redundent but you know I'm really thankful for christmas sales. God bless you malls of america for keeping consumerism alive. Without the great discounts given to we the people from some divine being like a CEO of marketing, I don't think we'd ever survive as a society or a people.

The isles and racks of moderately affordable supplies such as shirts, toys, and DVDs keep us all sane. God bless the clerks who always know what to do when something goes wrong. God bless all the nice men, women, and children who stand in long lines full of joy in their hearts for the coming feast of christmas. Always patient, always full of dignity. Without you we would forget the true meaning of the holidays...which I know many people pretend to know. They said stuff like, "your family" or "friends." But you know what? I talked directly with G-O-D, or the G-ster and SHE told me this.

The true spirit of the holidays is (inaudible)

She was eating cereal, Apple Jacks, and I didn't quite catch what she said but I nodded and pretended I did. Then we watched Terminator 2 on TBS together.

ProffesorChaos23: so r you unlactosed yet?
Lactaid Lady: no how could that happen?
ProffesorChaos23: pixies
Lactaid Lady: you make a very good point

Word up.

I've recently decided I'mmo put together to "book" of things I've written. This will include many of these posts. I've been going through old posts and have realized that I'm hilarious. And I mean that in the most egotistical way imaginable. I can tell why people come crawling back day after day because they just aren't capable of the comedy that seems to just ooze from my GORGEOUS self. In case you didn't pick up from that last sentence, I'm also aREAL good looking. So good looking that others try to steal my face. It's true! When they do I take out my bible and tell them that it tis a sin to be full of envy and to steal. So I'm also kinda like a saint, preaching the good word n such.

Saint Lady Fantastic. I'd like to see the following things in my stain glass mural:

1. a kitty
2. french toast
3. a hummer
4. tony danza
5. a mullet on either myself or tony danza

Send your art work to the Church of Awesome care of:
Lady Fantastic/Colleen Evanson
Ithaca College - Tallcott 101
Ithaca, NY 14850

So i got back from Indiana today. 10 hour drive that after awhile makes you forget there is a life of civilization beyond winding cement. Anyway, I get back and I'm wicked hungry. Do I get to eat? No. I have improv from 5-7. Good times. Get back and wanted to make some instant thai food. Open up the package and realize it involves boiling water and the veggy sauce. At this point I contimplate ordering it. Then I realize, you know what, you are 20 you should have the skills to do this as well as the patience to do it. I find the pots, pans, and measuring cup. I boil the water, simmer the sauce, add the noodles, and wait. It's done, I strain the noodles, put the sauce on top, dig my fork in....and.....

it totally wasn't good. I didn't quite cook the noodles enough I just assumed it was long enough. After the second attempt at eating it I realized this wasn't going to work. I'm simply not supposed to be cooking. I'm supposed to be supporting our economy and those who work to make food by ordering thai instead.

and it was good.

I would also like to inform everyone that once again Economics is rearing it's ugly head in my direction. Not only is it staring uncomforably at me for an extented period of time which makes it awkward but it's raising it's arm and pointing a strong finger at me. The finger, though lacking a mouth, manages to tell me that I'm "going down." Then the eyes of Economics get wide with anticipation of the kill and it nods its head real slow.

I'm screwed.

I recieved this in my email and thought I would share:


Dear Lady Fantastic,

My name is Dr. Candy Richardson and I am an associate professor at Ithaca College in the Department of Classical Studies. Being that you are one of the Classiest Ladies on the IC Campus, I was wondering if we could possibly sit down for an interview. You, Lady Fantastic, are one the best examples I have ever seen of pure class and dignity embodied in a human being without any training what so ever. We at the DCS have talked to the DCU and apparently you are still at 100% dignity with a 15% bonus. That is almost unheard of. Please Lady Fantastic, grace us with your presence.

We will be in touch,
Candy Richardson PHD

I responded with:

I'm please my reputation has gotten around, I put up some flyers but it looked like most of them were taken down the next day. Why? I am unsure. I would love an interview with you as well as getting involved with the Department of Classical Studies. My schedule is rather busy full of good deeds and prestige. Just let me know where and when suits you and hopefully it will work out.

Lady Fantastic
"May dignity be your grace."
____________________________________________________
I'll keep you posted to see how the interview goes.

A couple of things.

Thank you american for chosing a leader who is really open minded and all for pollution and homophobia, that's awesome. I'm glad that we've really learned from history that oppressing people who are considered "different" has always worked. Second if the Roe vs. Wade court case is over turned I'm so happy that middle aged white men get to decide what I can do to my body as a woman. That's choice.

I'm happy we are all for freedom and individuals because if we weren't, man that'd be hypocritical.

Four more years of the most elequent and educated leadership in a LONG time. Can't wait.

Oh and finally we can get rid of the big threat from Iraq. I was so worried for a bit that gas prices would just continue to rise.

**This post is brought to you by sarcasm****

I told many people this week that Boston would never win the world series for the following reason. The city would burn to the ground and innocent people would be killed at the hand of riot crazed fans. As a Yankees fan I am disappointed in my team. Tis a shame that they were unable to stop the spread of evil. Now I want to clear up, I really don't have a problem with the Red Sox. It's the fans that get me.

They simply cannot handle a win with pride. Even now at 1am in central NY the fans make themselves known by shouting, setting off illegal fireworks, and throwing things at the buildings. This all in a place at least 5 hours away from the actual city. If Boston wins the world series, good for their team, but a horrible apocalpse will bestow itself upon the city. I thought that God wouldn't let that happen. Appearently something went wrong. But there is still hope that a mother with child won't have to cower in fear when they go outside their home.

Maybe the Boston fans are the true terrorists. Ever think of that G.W.?

I had my first economics test last week. Now I studied quite a bit and realized 1 of 2 things would happen.

1) I am actually understanding this and the test might be easy for me, for once economics seemed to click

OR

2) Economics tricked me into thinking I understood it.

The result...
Economics is a tricky bastard. I'll get you, you better watch your back you jackal!

My resident hall cluster known as BRT has a newsletter being put out on a weekly basis. Each one of these sports an editorial by me under the name "Lady Fantastic" which I stole as one of Amy Poehler's poker names from Celebrity Poker (which yes, I made fun of when it came out because it just shows how obsessed with are with watching celebrities do anything...but i couldn't resist when she was on).

So here is this weeks edition:

Over the course of man there have been many inventions. Some are simple devices that help us in everyday life like a can opener. Others are more complicated and involve the culmination of brilliant minds, for instance, the exploration of space or the cure of polio. Then there are those inventions that seem useless or unnecessary such as motion activated paper towel dispensers or even better condoms/birth control. (What's that about?) However, an item you won't find within any of these categories is one that embodies the human spirit. It can blow a piece of your cranium off in extreme amazement or even force you to double over with intense pain. It can make or break you as a person. "What is this item?" you ask as you lean forward with wonderment. It's humankind's greatest achievement aside from ice cream. Like gods we threw down our collective hands from the heavens and behold, there twas Slip N Slide.

It's simply beautiful; a piece of plastic, some water, a running motion. People actually marketed this concept and society bought it. The instructions were easy. As the commercial once stated, "you run, you slide, you hit the bump, and take a dive."

I have but one complaint. As I discovered this summer while buying two in order to create fun for my 20 year old self I noticed the warnings placed on the slide itself. "Warning: not for use by anyone over 12 years of age, over 5' tall, and over 100lbs." Screw that, I was 0 for 3 but that wasn't going to stop me. I have just spent a good 10 dollars on this. I slipped and slid to no avail. I ran at it as if it were a magical land full of kitties, marshmallows, lateral lisps, and Seinfeld reruns on TBS. Those warnings can take themselves and SHOVE IT. All I got were some minor bruises and sore muscles. Surely this must have happened when I was little.

So why is it that 12 and older people are advised against this joyful sport? Are they not people who can have happiness or know what laughter is? If this were true then how to you explain the Golden Girls? Those ladies were at least 50 and they got their laugh on, many times a week with witty comments and hilarious situations they had to get themselves out of. Is Bea Arthur not allowed to use a Slip N Slide?

Well as president of the Bea Arther fan club I say, hell no, not under my watch. She's an independent woman who can do what she pleases. If she pleases to put out a restraining order because she doesn't want me in her house anymore, fine. I'll respect that and keep my distance of a minimum of 30 feet. That's her choice. However, if I were to set up a Slip N Slide for the both of us to enjoy she can come as close to me as she wants. If that happens to be closer than 30 feet than so be it. And if afterwards she would like to hug me because we are having so much fun it makes her feel like a breath of new life, cool. And if after that she decides to adopt me so we will never be apart then you know what, that's just swell. Whatever Bea wants. I'm there for her. And no slip N slide will prevent that from happening.

So ladies and gents write your congressmen and ask who ever made the Slip N Slide because you know I didn't have the decency to look that up before I started typing this. People say you need to check your sources and everything but whatever, I can't even tell you how many times I made up the title of books in my "Work Cited" page of my papers and I'm still in college. Just do whatever you want, because the other greatest invention of humankind was our ability to be violent. And if you think that an emotion doesn't count as an invention you can just shut your fat mouth.

The End.

The past weekend my RA staff and I spent time creating a custom made slip and slide. Was it awesome? Uh...yeah. So if you too are interested in unending fun/joy/happiness feel free to find a target. Once inside head over to the sporting goods section. Check out the camping isle, grab yo'self a tarp or two as well as some stakes to pin it to the ground. Now the tarp will be 8x10 so cut each one in half, duct tape them together and use the stakes.

Simple application of water does just fine, however, for amplified enjoyment get Baby Oil. This may bring up problems later on because you will feel a tad greasy but that's nothing a good couple of showers won't take care of.

Surely this will result in the most of you will experience in your lifetime.

oh, and...
YOU'RE WELCOME.

Today while taking a shower a small moth appeared from behind me and picked out a space on teh shower wall to hang out. The weirder part of that story is that for a good few seconds I actually thought it came out of my butt.

I'd like to share some of my additional notes from economics class. However, first I must say that I'm not the biggest fan of economics. I took it in high school and it's just not my best subject; I didn't bomb it, but I couldn't quite get the hang of it which was frustrating. But my latest teacher goes above and beyond. Why is this?

Well first of all he's exactly what you would think a grown man who loves to punch numbers into a computer would look like. His hair is a grown out bowl cut, topped off with a grey mustach that doesn't match the color of his hair....perhaps he isn't using the combination of hair and mustach dye from Just for Me, because currently, I can tell.
His glasses are still the old fashioned big ones we saw in the 80s. The best part about his is that they have an elastic connector so if he wanted he could take them off and have then hang around his neck.
His attire is rather choice; button up t-shirts with or without the tie, depends on his mood. Every now and then his shirt is buttoned down low enough so I can see his white t-shirt underneath. Other times he's more professional with a button up t-shirt and hand saw clip on the tie.
He stands REAL close to the board when he draws the supply and demand graph. He gets really excited about it too and will cut himself off as he talks about buyers and sellers.

Truely a piece of work.

Now I have noted here that while discussing the price and quantitly demand of lift tickets in Central New York he went on about how he couldn't believe someone would pay 50 dollars to lift weights. We had to inform him the lift tickets were in relation to skiing. He gracefully recovered by stating that made much more sense.

In the middle of lessons he likes to break and tell stories. For example, he told us about his college days which including having to balance his budget. He tended to buy lots of hamburger helper and tuna hamburger helper and now when he sees it he goes into gastro-intestinal spasms. Now a days when he pulls out his bagged PB and J sandwich it's his "real special moment of the day."

Another time he said, "I could give you an assignment but it might get you killed." We inquired why and he revealed the plans: Get sticks of butter in a georcery store, get in the longest line, when they ring it up as $2.79 and the cashier looks at you to pay say you'll give them $1.79 and you gotta hold your ground and make the cashier and supervisor panic.

Today in class we talked about how "Gummy Sharks are pretty cool." Why? Well in his words, "what's special about them is that they are blue at the top and white on the bottom." He knew the number of the bin they were in and how much they were per pound. He also mentioned that Gummy Sneakers were the next bin over and they were cool because they are all different colors with white as the treads.

Now I must say he told these stories to explain points or terms related to economics. I greatly appreciate them. I hope you have as well.

I deem myself responsible and take all the credit for the rebirth of the word "choice."

In about 5 years it will be everywhere. You'll see. And victory will be mine. Now make this a reality and use it when appropriate.

Tell mom the dinner she made was choice.
Tell your teacher their lesson was choice.
Comment on grandpa's attire as choice.
Mention to your friend that their new hair cut is less than choice.
Explain how playing kickball is choice.

Go ahead, make it a CHOICE day.

Wanted:
Documentary Research Class

Crime:
Stealing Colleen Evanson's life away and subjecting her to endless hours on the internet looking up topics.

Reward:
Getting to see Colleen again before winter break.

Good luck, cowboys.

I came to this blog today with the intention of writing about teleporting. You see a long time back in the summer my cousin Pat and I discussed all the complications of it and I wrote them down on the back of a MetroCard. The problem is I can't really read what I wrote and if I can read it, I have no idea what I'm talking about. This is a tragedy of waiting too long to post. A shame. One of my bullet points is "features." Well, Colleen, what are those features? You know self, I dont remember.

I'm all of 20 and I'm beginning to lose my precious memory. So in order to avoid this happening to you I urge you all to write better notes to yourself with details and maybe on an actual piece of paper. And then don't wait 3 months to write about it. It was my greatest mistake. Surely I have become the Hamlet of the blog industry.

Now if you'll excuse me I need to make myself some wonderful toast. I must create in the wake of my self destruction.

While chatting with my brother about spanish teachers we remembered days past in class along with the names we were given in order to really immerse ourselves in the culture.

Shawn said he would be called Samuel
I told him my name was Carolina, to which he replied:

"u totally look like a carolina
if u were spanish
. . .and lived in spanish lands"

to which i replied with a giggle in the form of "lol" and told him his remarks were "well played."

Teleporting will be great once it's invented. My only hope is that it's not created by a mad scientist, because that's just asking for trouble.

Sorry for the servere delay in updates. I have been rather busy with RA stuff, checking rooms, making door tags, making staff shirts, all the while going to sessions from about 9am-5pm....then staff meeting til about 10pm. But its been a lot of fun working with the awesome staff I have.

So now without further hesitation I'd like to add another splendid essay here from Orientation. This one is from the last session (6). And for those who dont know, I wrote several essays over the course of Orientation since I had to proctor the writing placement exam.
Enjoy!

There are over a billion people on this planet we have entitled Earth. Some may think the official number is more like a ba-jillion, but you are wrong my friend. With all those people milling around there are millions, dare I say billions of J-O-Bs. There are po-pos (police), drug dealers, and people who make you pay 10 bucks to see their shorter "radio-active" leg. However, in the town of Ithaca New York, Ithaca College pays 20 students each summer to orientate incoming freshman. These are what on may call Orientation Leaders...I, Colleen Evanson, am on o' dem leaders.
Now there comes a time in each Leaders life when they look back over the past three weeks and think, "damn sloppy joes are REAL good" as well as "what have I done with this life?" Well, self, to answer that I'd say you learned an awful lot about people, like how much you HATE them. IT's actually quite easy to hate another human being. For example, they may be stupid, ugly, no intelligent and/or pretty, or simply not attractive. These unfortunate souls may hopefully approach you and ask a question like, "where is the bathroom?" Where is the bathroom?! Damn, you are DUMB. Usually I make up directions with a smile on my face and then once they turn around I roll my eyes in disgust and if I'm feeling up to it raise my middle finger ever so slowly.
Stupidity doesn't discriminate; parents, students, even other OLs. I might not live in what federal law considers a house, or be able to read above a 4th grade level, or pay for things with I go shopping, but I still have - well ok I'll be frank (but my name is still Colleen) I'm better than you. There I said it. I be you my old speak N spell that if there were some type of way to measure how awesome I am the test or measuring apparatus would 'splode all over because I am so awesome it can't handle all the coolness. You know what, I feel like my last sentence may not be able to convey how amazing and better than you I am and I feel like I'm being judged so how about this...
Once I held my breath under water for like almost 30 seconds. That's half a minute for all of you stupids. Technically it was like 26 seconds but that's cuz Billy didn't start as soon as my head was under water and also Billy counts unfairly slow. Regardless, it was 30 seconds, so suck on that for awhile and if that's too sour them how about this. It will blow your mind. I...I can fly. I usually don't tell most people cuz they dont think it's possible but it is if you are awesome enough, and guess what amigo..I am. In fact if you could fly, which I doubt, I could fly real much higher than you and like fly into the ocean and stay under for about 35 seconds, and I totally will as long as Billy doesn't count cuz I've been practicing in my "bath tub," which the federal government tells me I can't go in since it's appearently a water fountain. But whatever people willingly throw their money out. Just the other day I bought a dime bag with it so HA! MOR-ONs.
In conclusion I wear a black polo with a collar and that deems me officially better than you and if you want to try and stay under water for over 35 seconds, bring it! I'll be at the Ithaca College pool, sucker. Be prepared to like lose and stuff.

The End
I feel the need to express I have never bathed in a fountain nor have I ever bought drugs. Some people, despite knowing me long periods of time will still ask if these stories are true.

Sorry for lack of updates. I wanted to spend me time at home to the fullest eating food, sleeping late, watching DVDs, and finishing the Star Wars computer game...which I did! Then I had to come back to school and start RA stuff. I dont have time right now to write something incredibly witty or profound like most have come to expect. I do have another essay I would like to publish. That is next on the agenda after I get rolling with putting up boards and doortags on my floor.

So just keep it real for now.

Long time no see...

I've decided to share some of my recent work with the world.  I spent time at Ithaca College as an Orientation Leader and one of my jobs was to watch over the writing placement exam.  While there I decided to write my own completely unrelated essays.  This is one of them...

There are many moments in a life that give it quality and meaning.  There are milestones that shape the person we are or who we become.  However, there are also the moments we'd like to turn a blind eye to, forget they happened and if brought up we may lie and say we don't remember.  Embarassment occurs here and there; trip up some stairs, or realizing our fly has been down for at least 20 minutes.  Then there are milestones within milestones full of moments well witnessed that could never be forgotten.  These are what one may call dignity loss.  This action may be defined when a person or persons does something rather taboo in society either willingly or unwillingly.  Not all dignity loss is severe.  Some arent even aware they lost a part of their dignity, only the witness to such an event would know.  For example a man has a cold, there is some nasel drip and he wipes way too much goobers onto his hand.  To him it' no big deal, he knows he has a cold and cannot control the situation, but to an onlooker the man with boogers all over his hang just lost part of his dignity. 
For those who have never seen dignity loss I'd like to direct you towards the recent trend in television...reality tv.  Perhaps the greatest example is Fear Factor.  Once a person willingly participates in eating large insects, cow eyes, or rancid intestinal juice for money, they have not only lost their dignity but they did so on national tv.  This my friends is a severe case. 
I'm going to break it down and get real with you guys right now.  I admit I lost my dignity once.  I was at a dance having a good time.  I was having such a good time that I decided to have a few drinks.  I pounded them back as if I were some machine that only ran on alcohol.  It tasted so good on my taste buds.  Addition over took my judgement.  My speech slurred, the room spun, I think I hit on an older man and while doing so I threw up alittle in my mouth.  I couldnt find the bathroom so I decided maybe I could just swallow it back down.  It worked for about ten seconds before it returned with avenence.  I not only threw up again but threw up onto the older man I had hit on and farted pretty damn loud. 
Was this the end of my life?  Kinda.  There was a person filming the event in order to cherish their neices 6th birthday and so my dignity loss was caught on tape.  I felt like a tragic character from Shakespeare.  I wanted no sun in my life.  Until one day while dealing drugs I passed by a nice suburban home.  They had a hammock.  Liking it immediately I stole it and tied it between two trees in my backyard.  It helped me feel better about my dignity loss until squirrels came and chewed the rope attaching it to the tree.  (Who knew squirrels enjoyed hammocks?) I stole-I mean bought another one, but it happened again.  I damned the squirrels and hated them for all they stood for.  But then while watching Oprah she talked about living the dream so I went out and bought a hammock that is held up on poles so those squirrels couldnt get their dirty, no good, nut loving, booze guzzling hands on it.  Now thanks to Oprah I got to live my dream and got over my dignity loss.  I hold my chin up high and sometimes celebrate with alcohol.  Sometimes.

The end....
The best part is we handed that essay in to be graded as if I were a freshman and that was my actually essay.  They gave me the lowest score, because not once did I refer to the reading AND I appearently have an attiude problem.  They were relieved when told it was  joke.

 

Over the fourth of July weekend I traveled back to Long Island for some fun.

Perhaps the greatest highlight amoung many, was the adventures had with Slip and Slide (although it wasn't the actual slip and slide brand, it was Six Flags). As soon as it was taken out and strategically placed onto the lawn my cousin Pat read alloud the warning.

Not for Adults. Not for anyone over 5 feet tall, not for anyone over 12 years old, or over 110 pounds.

We pondered for a moment. Looked at each other thinking if perhaps it was a mistake, then realized being 0 for 3 wasn't too bad and we were going to Slip and Slide no matter what THE MAN said. And it was glorious.

After sliding stomach, feet, knees, and side first we added an inflatable whale to the mix, placed him at the beginning of the slide and slid like it was nobody's business.

Next we wanted more area to slide on. The slide only lasted about 18 feet and us 20 year olds demanded more fun! We contimplated putting down trash bags but immediately came to the conclusion that it was way too white trash. As such, Pat and I made the truck over to Toys R Us to buy another. We picked the Ninja Turtles one for under 7 dollars. Though we were slightly disappointed that the sliding surface was smaller than the pervious one, we pressed on and joined the two, creating possibly the best invention in the history of mankind and the world.

It was incredible. I feel those of us over 12, over 110 pounds, and over 5 feet tall really accomplished something that day. And it is important to spread the word that you don't have to be a kid to play on slip and slide. Though I bet the damage to your lawn isn't as bad, but its worth it. I encourgage you all to write to the Slip and Slide makers to let them know they'd make a killing selling it to the older audiences. I could say I'd make a bah-jillion dollars making one myself but I know I'm too lazy and besides I already got two of them.

Another Summer Game: Sassy or Fat?

It's a good way to waste time. Since America currently has a plethora of obese people I've decided to make a game of it since after awhile it can be mighty depressing to realize just how many Americans are over weight. Enough of that. Everyone wants to know how to play...
It's simple, go to a public place and watch the way heavier people compose themselves by either sitting, standing, or walking. Personally I prefer walking, it's much easier to assess is this person walks a certain way because they are fat or because they are sassy.

Now does this sounds cruel, of course, but you know that you do it anyway. And don't worry I'm sure I'll become fat for thinking of the game. However, when you see me, know this...I'm fat AND sassy.

Another Summer Game: Sassy or Fat?

It's a good way to waste time. Since America currently has a plethora of obese people I've decided to make a game of it since after awhile it can be mighty depressing to realize just how many Americans are over weight. Enough of that. Everyone wants to know how to play...
It's simple, go to a public place and watch the way heavier people compose themselves by either sitting, standing, or walking. Personally I prefer walking, it's much easier to assess is this person walks a certain way because they are fat or because they are sassy.

Now does this sounds cruel, of course, but you know that you do it anyway. And don't worry I'm sure I'll become fat for thinking of the game. However, when you see me, know this...I'm fat AND sassy.

Session 2 of Orientation=Awesome. I was group B, later known as the Burninators through the inspiration of homestar runner with Trogdor. If you dont understand that, dont worry about it. Just understand what we burninated the other teams with our skit and relays in order to win a free t-shirt. oh yeah.

In other news. I invented a new game! While watching Life as a House with fellow Orientation Leader Laurel, we got into a discussion about hospitals. You know how people in movies will always run into the room of the person they know and then a nurse will be like, "i'm sorry visiting time is over" and then the character will be like, "that's my dad/mom/brother/sister/husband/wife" and get to go inside? Well I thought of a game initially called Find Your Dad, but to include all I'd like to change it to Find Your Family.

Here's how to play:

Go to a hospital...
From here you have two options: either run through the halls until you find a room and claim that person is your dad, make sure to catch the name to verify...

OR

Go up to the desk and ask for a person with a generic last name like Mr.Smith and see if you can pretend to be their family and go inside.

I think it could be a pretty fun game, and it could also help keep kids off the streets. I just hope you can't get arrested for it. That would suck.

orientation has begun. I am the leader of Group H, and we are known as team Homocide and our sketch involves, you guessed it, a homocide. It's rainy n such so relays may not work too good. There are a couple people who think they are really cool and are defacing things which is always fun. It's a wonder what one can accomplish during their first 10 hours at college.

apologies all around, I have been without internet and it seems on my own accord which is the worst part. The jacks tricked me and had pictures of computers making me believe it was a computer jack, but oh no it wasn't. Who knew?

Well for an update. I managed to get a rather nice sunburn on my left arm and a small portion of my left thigh thanks to driving up to ithaca on a nice day with the window down. I had no idea how bad it was but one arm was bright red for a good 2 days before it faded and thus began to peel. The tan on my thigh is rather unfortunate as well because it cuts off as if my shorts was covering my leg but it was like an inch short, so when I do wear shorts there is a definate line for tan and pale. Awesome.

I've been busy listening to information meetings all week from 9am to about 5pm, then practicing introductions and a dance as well as being the understudy/director of a play so I'm really technically at 10pm, but OH WAIT!...there's more. I have to do door tags AND boards as well.

do you pity me yet?

However, the people are super awesome AND i get free meals. Can't beat that.
OK time for a 115AM shower.

And now may I present, the wise words of Mr. Shawn Evanson. (all in one day mind you)

1) While attending a birthday dinner at a restaurant he got the sudden urge to burp and quickly decided to let others present view its effects with a little help from an glass and straw. Proud at this idea he exclaimed:

Check it out, I'm going to burp through this straw.

And he did.

2) Later in the evening after father had opened his gifts. There was one gift in particular that we couldn't wait to see. It was from the wonderful dollar store. You could call them magical pills that when put in warm/hot water open up to become MYSTICAL CREATURES. As such we spent amply time staring at colored pills waiting for the plastic/gooey coating to melt to reveal these sponge creatures; one of which was a Pegasis. It was taking some time revealing itself and Shawn was poking it's leg claiming:

It's leg is retarded.

I reminded him that's not a politically correct statement, to which he replied:

Sorry, it's leg is slow.

Much better Shawn, much better.

3) Continuing on our endever with the sponge creatures in the tupperware container, the water inside began to become less than luke warm. As such Shawn thought he could help matters by adding some body heat into the water. I questioned him about his efforts. He answer was the following (for full effect image statement said with much sass and confidence):

I'm trying to heat the water with my fingers.

A true genius.

I've become addicted to watching my brother play a video game. It would be MUCH better if I was addicted to playing it but unfortunately I dont really know how and it's much easier to just tell my brother what to do. So its like I'm telepathically playing a video game. Yeah that's right, I got super powers fools.

The game that steals hours of my life is Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic. Now I know it sounds nerdy but it's awesome. My brother is playing to be on the dark side so you get the privalge of stealing, kill the innocent, stabbing people in the back, and trying to persuade others to be evil. It's fun. I keep giving my brother advice on what to say to one character. You see his character is a woman and another is a man who has a crush on her so I tell him how to sweet talk this guy into being on the dark side.

horray for manipulation!